The 2010 Movie Project- I'm Watching Movies, So You Don't Have To

Day 103 - The Best of Whose Line Is It Anyway? Uncensored

2010-04-15T09:13:00.000-07:00

THE BEST OF WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY? UNCENSORED

Starring:
-Drew Carey
-Ryan Stiles
-Colin Mochrie
-Wayne Brady

If you aren’t familiar with this, or other improv shows, then where the heck do you live? Under a rock? This one just happens to be the cream of the crop, the absolute best of the best. Drew sits safely behind his neon-trimmed desk and calls out suggestions to the three regular performers and one random guest performer. There are occasionally special guest stars (Florence Henderson, Richard Simmons, Jerry Springer, David Hasselhoff, and Jane Tricker, female bodybuilder), but these are few and far between. However, the special guest star episodes have a definite theme relating to the person running through the skits.

They rotate the games constantly, so they won’t necessarily play your favorite one every night, but you’re guaranteed to never get bored.

This cast works so well together it’s positively magical. There’s a lot of trust there, combined with quick wit, comedic flexibility, and just a little bit of insanity.

Until the entire series is made available to own (*fingers crossed* please include awesome bonus features, please include awesome bonus features!) this 2-disc collection will have to do.

But, if you have to settle for something, this set ain’t bad. In fact, every episode will make you laugh until you hurt. I actually had to pause several times because I either couldn’t take it any more, or I needed a chance to calm down again because I was missing more of the skit.

I pity people who can’t enjoy ‘Whose Line,’ I really do.

So don’t be pitied. And for goodness sakes, fluff your Garfield.

…if you know what I mean.

FINAL GRADE: A+

Off in search of things you’ll never hear people say at a funeral,

M.

Day 102- Alice Cooper Live at Montreux 2005

2010-04-15T09:12:00.002-07:00

ALICE COOPER LIVE AT MONTREUX

Although it is a bit strange to see sixty-something year old Alice singing “Department of Youth”, I can forgive him cause he’s so freaking cool.

It’s also strange to see him strutting around stage in his black leather with his flowing locks and think, “Okay, this is my brother in Christ.” But not strange bad, strange AWESOME.

Sadly, some of the songs are almost too hard to watch, because whatever idiot cut all the camera angles together thought we needed to be seeing twelve different shots per second. And with the lights going and the audio blaring, this is a bit much, even for the most experienced head-banger. It just makes it too hard to concentrate on Alice and quite frankly, that’s who I’m here to see. I care nothing about the twenty-three year old doofus who somehow managed to score this sweet gig. If he was Jimi Hendrix I’d be all, “Hey, let me watch him play!” But he’s just a punk kid taking valuable screen time away from my main man Alice.

Brothers and sisters, I submit to you that this is unforgiveable.

In short, this is quite a concert. It has a lot of my favorites, but not quite all of them. Still, I wouldn’t have been disappointed had I been in the audience that night. All the flashy theatrical stuff is there in heaping helpings, and Alice is just as bizarre as ever.

Random thought: I wish I had an Alice Cooper action figure. How cool would that be? I’d put him in my dollhouse with all my old Fisher Price families. Gah, wouldn’t that just freak them right out? Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down and Alice will rock your face off.

FINAL GRADE: A-

Off in search of a girl with a job and a car and a house and cable,

M.

Day 101 - 101 Dalmatians

2010-04-15T09:12:00.001-07:00

Here's the story of a lovely lady, who was bringing up a very lovely dog. They were two bitches (tee hee) living all together, but they were all alone.

Till the one day when the lady met this fellow, and he also had a big black spotted pup....

Okay, I don't know how to end it. Painted myself into a corner with that one, didn't I?

Anyway, this is the story of Pongo and Perdita and their fifteen puppies, all of whom are abducted by the villainous Cruella de Vil. Cruella plans on using their hides for the world's most diabolical fashion statement.

Her minions kidnap the wee pups and take them to a big, drafty, mansion in the middle of nowhere.

Pong and Perdy ask for help from their other animal friends, who travel pass the word along that the puppies are missing.

But there a lot more than 15 puppies who need saving. Still, you know the old adage, a puppy's a puppy, no matter how small. So Pongo and Perdy have all of them follow them home and away from Cruella's evil, bony clutches.

Here's where the story gets a little out of town. Rodger's all, "Let's keep them all!" And Anita's all, "Oh, RODG-ah!" and they keep all 101 Dalmatians.

This is one of those Classic Disney movies that you need to be able to watch for days on end should you ever decide to procreate. I remember my biggest 101 Dalmatians phase lasted about seven months, at which time I referred to my mother only as "Cruella" and became obsessed with collecting and naming stuffed dogs. I wasn't racist about it, though; I took more than dalmatians.

Day 100 - Muppet Treasure Island

2010-04-15T09:11:00.001-07:00

MUPPET TREASURE ISLAND

Starring:
-Tim Curry
-The Muppets
-Billy Connolly

Directed by: Brian Henson

Screenplay Credits: Jerry Juhl, Kirk R. Thatcher & James V. Hart

MPAA Rating: G

I love this movie. I love it so much that I decided to review it for the fantastically wonderful DAY 100 of the 2010 Movie Project. High voiced little pipsqueak Kevin Bishop stars as Jim, the youngster who inherits an old treasure map. Along with the map, Jim receives a warning: beware the one legged man.

Cue the girly, almost entirely annoying expositional song where Jim dreams of “something better.”

After the inn where he lives is raided by pirates, Jim and his friends Rizzo the Rat and Gonzo the Whatever decide to hire a crew and go after the treasure and a life of adventure on the high seas. They meet the dimwit son of a prominent shipbuilder (Fozzie Bear), who agrees to finance the voyage and leaves the hiring of the crew up to the Man Who Lives in His Finger, Mr. Bimble.

Mr. Bimble the Finger Dweller hires a pretty ragged looking bunch of “cutthroats and scallywags” but he does get it right by hiring Captain James Smollett (aka Kermit the Frog) to lead the voyage. Since Jim is a foolish, trusting child, he doesn’t realize that amiable galley cook Long John Silver (who just happens to have only one leg thanks to movie magic) is actually a bloodthirsty pirate who’s hell-bent on getting his greedy paws on that thar’ treasure map, me hardy! Yar!

Yes, I said ‘yar.’ Get over it.

Throw in a handful of catchy songs and some positively inspired dialogue and you have yourself one of the finest Muppet movies ever made. EVER. So if you’re ever in the mood to go sailing for adventure on the big, blue, wet thing, be sure to take the Muppets along. I guarantee they’ll make your voyage much more interesting, and who knows… they might just rescue you from a one-legged sweet transvestite.

FINAL GRADE: A++++

Off in search of Jimmy Jim, Jimmy Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim,

M.

P.S. I’M not Jimmy Jim, Jimmy Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim! HE’S Jimmy Jim, Jimmy Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.

Day Ninety-Nine: Survivor - The Australian Outback

2010-04-15T09:10:00.000-07:00

THE AUSTRALIAN OUTBACK

Hosted by: Jeff Probst

Yes, I’m one of the losers who likes SURVIVOR so much they occasionally need to O.D. on it. And what better season to get all hopped up on than the infamous season 2? It is in the Australian outback that we first become acquainted with Colby, the handsome young cowboy with the Texas drawl; Jerri Manthey, the bitch queen from hell; Maralyn “Mad Dog” Hershey, the retired cop who does her own sound FX; Kel, the U.S. Army Captain made famous by a piece of imaginary beef jerky; Elisabeth Filarski, the cutie patootie with the stupid name who cried every day, became BFFS with Kentucky Joe, and landed herself a sweet gig as a talk show host; not to mention Keith, the gourmet chef who “can’t cook rice”, Kimmi, the obnoxious wannabe vegetarian, Nick, the lazy grad student, and Michael “pig killer” Skupin.

This extraordinary cast of characters (there were random others like Jeff Varner and Deb Eaton, but you can’t possibly expect me to drone on about all 16 of them, geez) is the major reason why this season was so great. They played off one another like actors in a sitcom, making one memorable episode after another. The other element that makes this season a particularly memorable one is the outback itself. We’re talking crazy lightening, flash floods sweeping the camp (and food) away, horrible beasties, and withering heat. Australia’s no wuss, people.

The game was still relatively young back in 2000, and either there wasn’t much scheming going on back then or the editors just chose not to show it. As I recall, you don’t see all the scrambling before each tribal council that you see now. People here just seem to go quietly into that dark night, whereas in more current Survivor seasons they fight to the death (unless they’re being royally screwed by a big blindside) to keep their torch lit.

There also seems to be a lot more interaction going on between cute little Jeff Probst and the castaways. He comes down to their beach sometimes, heck, he even shares in their rewards occasionally. If he still does that in season 20 or whatever we’re in, they sure don’t show it much.

And another thing… Ole Jeff’s got a pretty sweet gig. He gets to fly all over the world, visiting beautiful and exotic locales, sampling local cuisine, probably staying in fancy hotels, enjoying the finest hookers that money can buy, and every couple of days he pops out to the wilderness to make snarky remarks and boss around a bunch of dirty, hungry people.

Who among us wouldn’t want that job?

Knoxville mom of two and personal nurse Tina Wesson for the win (and in my book, she deserves it! She was the nicest person there and she single-handedly saved their replacement rice from the dangerous rapids. She is woman, hear her roar).

FINAL GRADE: A

Off in search of a nifty bandana of my own,

M.

Day Ninety-Eight: Cactus Flower

2010-04-11T08:58:00.001-07:00

CACTUS FLOWER

Starring:
-Walter Matthau
-Ingrid Bergman
-Goldie Hawn

Directed by: Gene Saks

Screenplay Credits: I. A. L. Diamond

MPAA Rating: PG (of course, at its release in 1969, it was rated M for mature audiences only- how times have changed!)

Walter Matthau stars as Julian Winston, a dentist who’s found a pretty sweet set up. He’s convinced his girlfriend Toni (Hawn) that he’s a married man with three children (a blatant lie) so he can avoid her nagging him about furthering the relationship. Toni is desperately in love with him, and is troubled by the idea that he spends so much time with his “wife” (other women). When he cancels one of their dates, Toni writes him a letter telling him she’s going to kill herself, goes home, turns on the gas, and lies on the sofa with her arms folded, ready for death.

Lucky for Toni, her neighbor Igor Sullivan (burgeoning playwright) smells the gas, breaks into her apartment and rescues her. Toni decides not to commit suicide after all and asks Igor to phone Julian’s office in the morning and tell him she’s not dead.

He does, but it’s too late. Julian has already discovered Toni’s letter and his on her way to his apartment. Julian’s secretary, Miss Stephanie Dickinson (Ingrid Bergman) receives the call seconds after he leaves.

Toni’s willingness to kill herself over him tells Julian that this is the woman he wants to marry. There’s just one problem: he’s convinced her he’s already married, and she is absolutely phobic about men who lie. Julian has no choice but to tell her that he’s leaving his wife.

He expects this news to put Toni over the moon, but instead she worries about being a “housebreaker.” She insists that she will not marry Julian unless she can meet his wife and see for herself that the woman does indeed want to divorce her husband.

With no other options, Julian turns to the only woman who’ll do anything for him, his longsuffering secretary of ten years who (as is evident to the audience) is madly and secretly in love with him. Stephanie agrees to play the part of “Mrs. Winston” for the man that she loves, which of course gets all of them into a whole heap of trouble as they struggle to keep the wool pulled over Goldie Hawn’s enormous eyes.

This was my first viewing and I really enjoyed it. You can certainly tell that it was originally a play, but to me that is part of the piece’s charm. Bergman was a delight from the first scene to the last, but interestingly it was Hawn who won the Best Supporting Actress Academy Award for her performance.

Matthau is simply precious as grumbly, rumpled, square Dr. Winston, and it’s especially fun to watch him come to the realization that he’s tired of dealing with Toni and wants to “go home to his wife” (meaning Stephanie). I also loved the conversation in which Stephanie and Julian argue about wanting a divorce of their own, meaning a dissolution to their partnership.

In the end of course, things work out just as predictably as you think they will, but it’s still enjoyable watching the actors cross the finish line. However, one of the most interesting things for me was watching all the scenes set in the discotheque (which is a totally awesome word). It’s fascinating to me what passed as dancing in the 1969. To me it just looks like people throwing their bodies around in weird contortions. But the best of the bunch at the spacey dancing is Hawn, without question. She has this dopey little look on her face, not unlike a stoned pixie trying to imitate Ray Charles.

Check it out if you don’t believe me.

FINAL GRADE: A-

Off in search of a(nother) wife,

M.

Day Ninety-Seven: Frost Nixon

2010-04-07T12:05:00.001-07:00

FROST NIXON

Starring:
-Frank Langella
-Michael Sheen
-Oliver Platt
-Sam Rockwell
-Kevin Bacon
-Matthew MacFayden

Directed by: Ron Howard

Screenplay Credits: Peter Morgan

MPAA Rating: R - for some language

Originally a play, FROST NIXON is based on a series of interviews conducted by British comedian David Frost shortly after President Richard M. "Tricky Dick" Nixon resigned the presidency. Before signing on for this project, Opie Taylor compared the play script with the actual interviews and was impressed with what he found.

Frank Langella was extraordinary as Nixon. I've always found him a very find actor, and this performance certainly meets his standard of excellence. Michael Sheen, however, failed to impress. I thought he was quite good in the film's climax (when Frost finally works his way to the hard questions and elicits a very emotional response form the former president), but for the rest of the film he seemed smarmy, disingenuous, and most of all twitchy.

Really twitchy.

Like a little rat.

Sheen also portrayed Sir David in the stage play, and one can only hope he delivered a better performance in that medium. At any rate, I would have greatly preferred seeing someone else in the role. His surrounding team, however (including Sam Rockwell and Oliver Platt) were spot on.

The film handles the issue of "sympathy" for Nixon extremely well. There isn't sympathy in the sense that he is absolved from his wrongdoings, but rather a gritty, close-up look at the anger, sadness, and disappointment he felt in himself. When one truly fails himself, it is often rather easy to look on him with pity.

Of course, Ron Howard wanted obvious allusions made to the Bush administration, but with the passing of the recent healthcare bill, I thought only of President Obama during the film. It seems very clear to me that he's taking a few pages from Tricky Dick's book, what with the abuses of power and all. If fact, I would be surprised to find a placard with the following inscribed somewhere in his office: "If the president does it, then it is not illegal."

Keep telling yourself that, Obama. It caught up with Nixon, it will catch up with you.

FINAL GRADE: A

Off in search of people who aren't full of B.S.,

M.

Day Ninety-Six: The Indian in the Cupboard

2010-04-07T12:04:00.001-07:00

THE INDIAN IN THE CUPBOARD

Starring:
-Richard Jenkins
-David Keith

Directed by: Frank Oz

Screenplay Credits: Melissa Mathison

MPAA Rating: PG

Omri is a horse-faced little boy who receives a magical cupboard for his 9th birthday. Omri soon discovers that if he puts a toy in the cupboard and locks the door, the toy will come to life. Omri creates Little Bear, an Iroquois warrior, and a few other little guys to play with.

For the most part, the dialogue is dry and fairly boring. The most interesting exchanges are between Little Bear and cowboy Boo-Hoo Boone. The funny dialogue comes out when the two are finally allowed to play off each other.

It's an interesting premise for a totally uninteresting movie, which only leaves you with two questions:

1.) Who do these children have such strange names? Omri and Gilley? Seriously?
2.) Why are there so many close-ups of this goofy looking child's head?

FINAL GRADE: C

Off in search of a wife,

M.

Day Ninety-Five: The Thornbirds

2010-04-07T12:03:00.000-07:00

THE THORNBIRDS

Starring:
-Barbara Stanwyck
-Richard Chamberlin
-Rachel Ward
-Jean Simmons
-Bryan Brown

Directed by: Daryl Duke

Teleplay by: Carmen Culver

Barbara Stanwyck plays Mary Carson, the original white-haired horn dog. Mary owns Drogheda, an enormous sheep ranch in Australia. She is disgustingly wealthy, yet morally bankrupt. She's also in love with local priest Father Ralph de Bricassart, played by Richard Chamberlin (who, for whatever reason, has always reminded me of a velociraptor). Richard does not reciprocate these feelings; instead he has an obsession with Mary's young niece, Meggie Cleary. Secrets are revealed and old family struggles continue as the older generations pass away and the youngsters take over Drogheda.

The Thornbirds really is an epic romance that spans the generations. It's more than just Ralph and Meggie, it's the romance of the entire family. It's hard to explain, but it's almost TOO dramatic. One character or another is always waxing poetic (we're looking at you, Father Ralph) about the most random crap. Richard especially has the uncanny ability to launch into a weighty monologue at the drop of a hat, leaving his cast mates frozen beside him, very clearly bored and going over their shopping list in their heads.

And if you stick with the saga to the very end, Richard's endless squawking does become tiring. "I'm a priest! I'm a priest! I love you, but I love God more! BWOCK! I'm a priest!"

Polly want a cracker?

And if you can watch the scenes where Christopher Plummer sits and plays with his cat without thinking about Dr. Evil from Austin Powers, you're a much stronger woman than I.

"Ah, Sheba! Must you be so selfish? You make my legs numb!"
"Ah, Sheba! Must you always dig in your claws when you are happy?"

The scene where the fire breaks out on Drogheda is annoyingly reminiscent of the burning of Atlanta from GONE WITH THE WIND. As everything crackles and burns, one almost expects to see Rhett and Scarlet come flying through on their horse and buggy.

Also, is is just me or is this family constantly marching out to the cemetery to sad music? There's probably ten or twelve funeral sequences in this darn thing, which is bad news for the cast as every single one of them is a terrible cryer. Consider yourself warned, this epic features the most epically horrendous, phony looking crying I've ever seen.

In some scenes you just want to punch Father Ralph in the face. He orbits around Meggie her whole life, spending time with her, making daisy chains, braiding her hair, being her BFF, then he throws all that in her face and starts squawking about the priesthood again.

Meggie, you can never have him because blah, blah, he's a priest, blah.

And even if he wasn't a man of the cloth, you still wouldn't want him. Father Ralph is the kind of man who could never be married to a woman because he's only married to his job. But Meggie never seems to realize that it takes a mighty good man to be better than no man at all.

A few technical notes: the audio doesn't always sync up and diction isn't the actors' main concern. Occasionally, 'Drogheda' comes out more like 'Gordita' or 'Brigitta', bringing to mind either images of the fifth von Trapp child or cheap Mexican food.

For the most part though, I really enjoyed it and will probably watch it again someday.

The original complete saga is presented in two double-sided discs with a decent amount of special features, but the sweeping story of a sexy, forbidden romance is reason enough to give this DVD a whirl.

FINAL GRADE: A-

Off in search of a cracker for Father Ralph,

M.

Day Ninety-Four: The Tommyknockers

2010-04-05T11:34:00.001-07:00

THE TOMMYKNOCKERS

Starring:
-Jimmy Smits
-Marg Helgenberger
-Traci Lords

Directed by: John Power

Teleplay by: Lawrence D. Cohen

MPAA Rating: unrated

Tommyknockers, Tommyknockers,
knocking at the door;
this freakin' movie is
such a bore!

Sorry Steve King, but for me, TOMMYKNOCKERS went bust.

Writer Marg Helgenberger discovers something sticking out of the ground on her property and convinces her boyfriend Jimmy Smits to help her dig it up. It soon becomes an obsession with Marg, as it emits a weird green glow and makes her feel all happy. Eventually, the town begins to fall under the thing's influence. Soon everyone but Jimmy Smits is subject to its mind control. Jimmy seems immune thanks to the metal plate in his head.

Things get especially weird when everybody starts pulling their teeth out, and my favorite part was when the frumpy housewife electrocuted her philandering husband with the aid of alien intelligence.

I love Jimmy Smits, cause he's all cute and junk, but his perfect mocha skin wasn't enough to redeem him in this case. Normally I can just close my eyes and imagine him as an Indian Chief and I get all happy inside. But not during TOMMYKNOCKERS.

Traci Lords is a decent actress, which might be surprising to some. Porn stars- former or current- aren't usually lauded for their mad dramatic skillz, but she was easily the most entertaining character in the film for me.

At any rate, THE TOMMYKNOCKERS is too long for its own good and completely not worth your time.

FINAL GRADE: D

Off in search of a typewriter that will do my work while I sleep,

M.

Day Ninety-Three: Stevie Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble Live @ Montreux

2010-04-05T11:31:00.000-07:00

SRV & DOUBLE TROUBLE LIVE @ MONTREUX

When SRV and Double Trouble originally appeared at the Montreux Music Festival in Switzerland, they were virtually unknown white guys playing the blues. They were the first unsigned group to appear at Montreux, and they actually got booed. Despite playing a good set, they are visibly shaken by the booers as they exit the stage.

Despite the reactions of a few disgruntled crowd members, the group did well at Montreux by meeting David Bowie, who was so impressed with Stevie Ray he asked him to play on his "Let's Dance" album.

By the time SRV & DT returned to Montreux in '85, they were at the top of their game.

Despite looking woefully stupid in that cowboy hat with the long, shaggy tail, Stevie Ray plays like he's got seconds to live. Fans are used to seeing him pour everything into every performance, but this time he's playing like he's really got something to prove. The energy in the room is electric and, lucky for us, that translates to the screen.

Due to Stevie Ray's tragic demise (which I freely admit to still sobbing about from time to time) future generations will never have the pleasure of shaking Stevie's incredibly talented hand, or experiencing firsthand one of his intense concerts. Thankfully, there are a handful of CDs and DVDs that keep his memory alive and well.

As for me and my house, the first thing I'm going to do when I get to heaven is thank Jesus and give him a big hug. The next thing I'm gonna do is smooch on my grandparents a little, but the third thing I'm gonna do is get tickets to see Stevie Ray.

I know he's up there playing, because for Stevie, it wouldn't be heaven without a guitar.

FINAL GRADE: A+

Off in search of my pride and joy,

M.

Day Ninety-Two: Where the Wild Things Are

2010-04-05T11:30:00.002-07:00

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE

Starring:
-Max Records
-Catherine Keener

Directed by: Spike Jonze

Screenplay Credits: Spike Jonze & Dave Eggars

MPAA Rating: PG

I wanted so much to like this movie. Sadly, it was not to be. Sometimes trying to turn a 12 page kids book into a feature length film isn't the greatest idea, and in this case Maurice Sendak's classic tale is best left alone.

Young Max is no longer simply a rambunctious, imaginative boy; instead he is moody little beast who seems desperately in need of therapy. After one of his many violent outbursts, Max runs away from home and boards a tiny vessel for a faraway land full of giant, strange-looking monsters. Max befriends Carol, the monster whom we will eventually realize is supposed to parallel the boy.

They run around getting into fights and such before Max realizes he should return home and apologize to his mother.

The monsters each seem to have a different personality and all are obnoxiously whiny. Some sequences are too scary for youngsters, but then I wouldn't want any of my children watching this stupid movie anyway.

FINAL GRADE: D-

Off in search of ANYTHING but this,

M.

Day Ninety-One: Deliverance

2010-04-05T11:30:00.001-07:00

DELIVERANCE

Starring:
-Burt Reynolds
-Jon Voight
-Ned Beatty
-Ronny Cox

Directed by: John Boorman

Screenplay credits: James Dickey

MPAA: R

Well, this was my very first time watching DELIVERANCE, and even though I had no idea what to expect, I certainly was not expecting that. The first thing that needs to be mentioned before we go any further is this: HOLY CRAP, wouldja get a look at Burt Reynolds' arms?!?!

I maintain that he looks strange without his mustache, but this does not make him any less of a manbeast.

The basic plot (for those of you weirdos like me who never sat down with the hillbilly version of BOURNE IDENTITY) is this: four dudes from the city decide to get in touch with their Jeremiah Johnson sides and go canoeing down this river. The whole area (including the local town of inbred citizens) will soon be flooded thanks to the imminent construction of dam.

The fellas roll out to the country and one of them strikes up a rousting performance of "Dueling Banjos" with one of the aforementioned yokels (here it should be mentioned that the "yokel" in question also appeared as a banjo player in Tim Burton's 2003 hit BIG FISH).

The foursome then embarks on their little trip, cruising the rapids and having a grand ole time. That night they stop to make a fire. Ned Beatty is mean to his inflatable mattress and the guys hear "something or someone" in the woods.

The next day is when things start to get serious. Jon Voight & Ned Beatty get separated from Burt and Ronny Cox and wind up held at gunpoint by a couple of toothless mountain men. It soon becomes very clear that these men are, um, interested in some of that hot city of Sodom action. Poor Jon gets tied to a tree with his own belt and it forced to watch Ned squeal like a pig. And it is freaky. Also, does anybody ever confuse Ned Beatty with M. Emmett Walsh, or is that just me?

Anyway, Burt comes up on the bad guys with his bow and arrow and pegs one right through the middle.

Nice shot, Burt. Wanna meet up later?

The men hastily decide to bury the body and get the heck out of dodge. The possible murder charges and other implications of this act have now become the white elephant in the canoe.

The men decide that since one of them has now been anally raped, the fun is now over. They start paddling like crazy and Ronny Cox inexplicably tumbles out of the canoe. All the men freak and crash and poor Burt breaks his femur.

One of their canoes has been destroyed and they're convinced that Ronny was shot from afar by The Man Who Got Away. They've no choice but to stop for the night and Jon makes it his mission to kill the second hillbilly.

The rest of the movie was tense, but it does kind of go down hill after the "you got a purdy mouth" scene. At the end of the day, I would say that i enjoyed it about as much as anybody could. Good performances, nice shots, beautiful scenery, S &M... you know, everything that makes a great film.

I especially liked the use of banjo music. The beginning "duel" between the outsider and the yokel set the tone for the rest of the film, and the subsequent banjo-related scenes are eerie reminders that these guys are way out their element.

This movie also adds to The List of Awesome People (fictitious or non) Who are Skilled with Bows and Arrows (list includes such venerable folk as Luke Duke - seriously, who would name their kid that?- Chuck Norris, and my uncle Paul).

Closing thoughts: Knowing very few mountain men personally, I have to wonder whether or not they are offended by this movie. Either that, or they consider it akin to watching "America's Funniest Home Videos."

FINAL GRADE: A

Off in search of a good banjo.

M.

Day Ninety: The Great Muppet Caper

2010-03-31T19:04:00.001-07:00

THE GREAT MUPPET CAPER

Starring:
-Jim Henson's Muppets

Directed by: Jim Henson

Screenplay Credits: Tom Patchett, Jay Tarses, Jerry Juhl, & Jack Rose

MPAA Rating: G

Kermit and his "twin brother" Fozzie have just landed gigs as reporters for the Daily Chronicle. Sadly, their exuberant performances in the joyful opening number made them miss out on covering a daring jewel heist. All of the other newspapers are now running the story, and Kermit and Fozzie's boss is furious. He fires the fellas, who decide to hop a plane to jolly old England, find theft victim Lady Holiday, get the scoop, recover the missing jewels, and return home to claim their jobs.

Things soon get out of hand (this is a Muppet movie, what did you expect?) as Kermit mistakes Miss Piggy for Lady Holiday and the real Lady holiday's scheming brother (Charles Grodin, whom I adore) is in cahoots with Lady Holiday's three anorexic models Carla, Darla, and Marla, and they're trying to frame Miss Piggy for the thefts even though Charles is madly in love with her.

Just another day in the life of a Muppet.

As usual, there are some funny celebrity cameos. Miss Piggy breaks into John Cleese's mansion to impress Kermit, gets caught in the closet, and worms her way out of possible arrest by asking for directions to a good restaurant. Peter Falk even takes a turn as a know-it-all hobo.

In the end, justice is served and peace returns to Jim Henson's studios once more. Overall, this is not my favorite, but I do think the song "Happiness Hotel" is wildly entertaining and very fun to sing.

FINAL GRADE: B+

Off in search of the baseball diamond,

M.

Day Eighty-Nine: Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? Vol. 1

2010-03-31T19:00:00.002-07:00

SCOOBY-DOO WHERE ARE YOU? THE COMPLETE 1ST & 2ND SEASONS

Starring:
-Fred
-Daphne
-Velma
-Shaggy
-Scooby-dooby Doo!

The premise is simple: a Great Dane is a scaredy-cat. Together with his master/best friend Shaggy and their other pals (ascot-wielding Fred, sexy redhead Daphne, and chubby, bespectacled, know-it-all Velma), these meddling kids travel around the country in their groovy van The Mystery Machine. The kids can’t seem take a potty break without stumbling into some overly elaborate criminal scheme. But plunging headfirst into mysterious situations is one reason why the nosy brats have sleuthed their way into pop culture history.

The set I have features all 25 episodes from the original televisions series, seasons I & II. A lot of the classic villains and images associated with the Scooby-Doo canon are found in these seasons, including the Hawaiian Witch Doctor, Charlie the Funland Robot, the Wax Phantom, and the Headless Specter at the Haunted Mansion.

These are the classic episodes that really exemplify everything you expect to see in a Scooby-Doo cartoon. Unless you’re really paying close, judgmental attention, you’ll be having too much fun to realize that every plot is basically the same and it’s never really all that difficult figuring out who dunnit.

Over the years, I’ve heard people say that Shaggy is an obvious pothead, and make the assumption that “Scooby Snacks” are actually marijuana-laced cookies instead of wholesome, quality, humorously-named dog biscuits. To these dastardly assumption makers I say, “You are probably right.”

But that’s okay with me.

FINAL GRADE: A+

Off in search of Scooooooby snacks,

M.

Day Eighty-Eight: Year of the Dog

2010-03-31T19:00:00.001-07:00

YEAR OF THE DOG

Starring:
-Molly Shannon
-John C. Reilly
-Peter Sarsgaard

Written & Directed by: Mike White

MPAA Rating: PG-13

Wow. What a depressing little movie this is. I mean it. Seriously depressing. Dogs die, friends are stupid, families are stupid, and bosses are boring. Now that you have read this sentence, you know the basic gist of this film.

Molly Shannon plays Peggy Spade, a somewhat nerdy secretary whose obsession with animals almost drives her over the edge.

There are moments in this film that really tug on your heartstrings. Sadly, the majority of the supporting characters have more feeling, more drive, and more, I don't know, oomph than poor Peggy. This movie attempts to detail her process from seemingly normal, albeit boring, single pet owner to vegan animal rights nut job who blows off her family, friends, and job to save chickens.

To say the least, I was not impressed and barely made it through the film. I respect Mike White and the filmmaking, but the story just falls flat on its furry little bottom.

FINAL GRADE: D-

Off in search of poor, poor Pencil,

M.

Day Eighty-Seven: Interview with a Vampire

2010-03-31T18:59:00.004-07:00

INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE

coming soon, to a neck near you

Day Eighty-Six: Toy Story 2

2010-03-31T18:59:00.003-07:00

TOY STORY 2

Starring:
-Tim Allen
-Tom Hanks
-Joan Cusack
-Kelsey Grammar

Directed by: John Lasseter, Ash Brannon, & Lee Unkrich

Screenplay Credits: Andrew Stanton, Rita Hsaio, Doug Chamberlin, & Chris Webb

MPAA Rating: G

After finally becoming friends at the end of the first movie, Buzz & Woody enjoy life as Andy's favorite toys. In this installment, Woody has been stolen by a hateful toy collector in order to complete a collection of Woody's Round-Up dolls. The other toys must rescue him and bring him home to Andy.

This film features your favorite characters, as well as all new toys. In my opinion, it's even better than the original, which is quite a feat. Great lines in this one, but not as much absurdity (remember Buzz's proclamation that he was Mrs. Nusbaum in TS1? ). I especially love it when Stinky Pete exclaims, "My burns are burnin'!"

Yeehaw!

FINAL GRADE: A+

Off in search of an Asian buyer,

M.

Day Eighty-Five: Toy Story

2010-03-31T18:59:00.001-07:00

TOY STORY

Starring:
-Tom Hanks
-Tim Allen
-Wallace Shawn
-Don Rickles
-Annie Potts

Directed by: John Lasseter

Screenplay Credits:Joss Whedon, Joel Coen, Alec Sokolow, & Andrew Stanton

MPAA Rating: G

Classic toy Sheriff Woody is Andy's favorite toy... until Space Ranger Buzz Lightyear crashes the scene. An intense rivalry heats up between the two, leaving Andy's other toys caught in the middle. The mood is tense among the toys as Andy's family is preparing to move to a new house, and all are concerned with being left behind.

Interestingly, this movie bears the definite mark of Joss Whedon. I can't quite put my finger on it, but you can certainly tell he had a hand in the writing. TOY STORY is a hilarious film; truly a classic. It's equally fun for grown-ups and kids, and adults will especially love seeing some of their old favorite toys come to life in a totally new way.

FINAL GRADE: A

Off in search of infinity and beyond,

M.

Day Eighty-Four: Couples Retreat

2010-03-31T18:58:00.001-07:00

COUPLES RETREAT

coming soon!

Day Eighty-Three: Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs

2010-03-31T18:57:00.002-07:00

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS

coming soon!

Day Eighty-Two: Up in the Air

2010-03-31T18:57:00.001-07:00

UP IN THE AIR

coming soon

Day Eighty-One: Convoy

2010-03-31T18:56:00.004-07:00

CONVOY

Coming soon!

Day Eighty: Dead Snow

2010-03-31T18:56:00.001-07:00

DEAD SNOW

Coming Soon!

Ugggggggghhhhh.....brains.....

Day Seventy-Nine: The Blind Side

2010-03-31T18:55:00.002-07:00

THE BLIND SIDE

Starring:
-Sandra Bullock
-Tim McGraw
-Quinton Aaron
-Kathy Bates

Written & Directed by: John Lee Hancock

MPAA Rating: PG-13

When this movie was first released and everybody and their mama started going wild over it, I admit to having certain reservations. I believe my exact words were, “Oh great…another inspirational football film.” Quite frankly, I think we’ve got about twelve too many, so I wasn’t exactly thrilled to hear of another one joining its ranks.

I was especially alarmed when I heard how all the Christians were going wild for this film. Don’t get me wrong; I’m a Christian and a lover of the arts. I have seen the type of movies that my Christian counterparts tend to go wild over, and most of them include Kirk Cameron and are so disgustingly sappy that you run the risk of falling into a diabetic coma. It’s a major pet peeve of mine, these “Christian-approved” films, skits, or TV shows that are just poor quality, or mediocre at best.

But when I actually saw THE BLIND SIDE, I had reason to rejoice. This movie has elements of the stereotypical inspiration football movie, and elements of the vomit-inducing “Christian values,” but it can be categorized by neither of them.

It’s interesting to me that while we see this family pray and make moral choices, we never see them in a church service. I think this is because we don’t have to. We don’t have to know which affiliation or denomination this family considers itself. We don’t have to know because we can see Christ through their example. Because of their lives, we know they share His love.

Morality aside, the film is extremely well made. The screenwriter made good use of the repeating device, in which a line from the beginning of the film is mirrored toward the end, spoken by a different character or delivered in a slightly different context.

Scenes were fluid and transitioned seamlessly from the school, to the field, to the Tuohy’s home, to the scary streets of Memphis’ Hurt Village.

I must admit I was somewhat drawn out of the film when Michael’s tutor Miss Sue (Bates) uttered the line, “Do you trust me, Michael?”

Immediately and without thinking I blurted out, “Not after I saw what you did to James Caan’s feet.”

The people I was watching the movie with all laughed, but I was being totally serious. Kathy Bates is a scary lady.

Despite this, I enjoyed the movie and plan on watching it again in the very near future, just because it made me feel so darn good to be a member of the human race.

There are good people out there who want to do the right thing, and love others, and live for Christ. They are strong in their faith, but they don’t shove belief down your throat. Instead they lead by their lives and the Christian example they set. It is my firm belief that God has worked and continues to work through the Tuohy family to give us all an example of pure, self-sacrificing love.

It’s clear to me why Sandra Bullock received her Academy award. In closing, I hope she whacks her philandering husband over the head with it two or three times. And I say that in Christian love.

FINAL GRADE: A+

Off in search of a Taco Bell,

M.

Day Seventy-Eight: A Boy and His Dog

2010-03-31T18:55:00.001-07:00

A BOY AND HIS DOG

Starring:
-Don Johnson
-Susanne Benton
-Jason Robards

Directed by: LQ Jones

MPAA Rating: R

Between the tagline, “a rather kinky tale of survival” and the eerie, grinning mushroom cloud on the case cover, one should be able to surmise that this is a very strange film.

Originally released in 1975, this freaky little movie has achieved cult status in the science fiction world, and it’s easy to see why. This is one of the most culty movies I have ever seen. Don Johnson stars as Vic, a handsome young guy who is just trying to make ends meet and find women to sleep with. The year is 2024, and WWIV has turned the entire world into an endless wasteland. Survivors battle for food, shelter, and hookers in the post-apocalyptic landscape. Vic is slightly better off than the other survivors, because he has a snarky, shaggy dog named Blood with whom he can communicate telepathically.

I know it’s weird, but just stay with me here.

The lingering affects of the radiation have destroyed Blood’s power to scavenge for food, but he has retained him ability to sniff out women. This is important to Vic, because he’s a pretty nasty guy. So the arrangement is, Vic finds Blood food, Blood finds Vic chicks. That has to be one of the weirdest sentences I have ever typed in my entire life. Spellcheck is going crazy with that one.

One such woman that Blood sniffs out is a shady character who convinces Vic to return to her creepy underground town. This is where survivors with creepy clown makeup have lived for years. But lack of exposure to the sun has rendered the men impotent (tough break, fellas), and all the townsfolk are dying out and a dismally slow pace.

Long story short, the woman’s job was to lure Vic down there so he could serve as baby daddy for the dying community. He thinks this is a pretty fair idea until he realizes that not only will he be forced to marry all of these creepy women, he doesn’t actually get to get jiggy with any of them. Instead he is hooked up to a machine and…well, you get the idea. It’s pretty gross. This is definitely a man movie.

Anyway, the gal decides to rescue Vic and take him away from this terrible place, so she helps him to the exit and he helps her destroy the creepy town. Back up top, Vic discovers that Blood has been badly injured and is almost starved to death (can’t hunt, remember?).

This is where the film is really warped. In one frame, there is the woman standing next to Vic. The next frame shows Vic and Blood walking off into the sunset together, their conversation blatantly implying that Vic killed the woman and cooked her over an open fire to nourish Blood.

I know, right?!?!

This movie is downright terrible, but it is almost criminally weird. I can think of maybe three or four people I might recommend this to, but only because I know they appreciate freaky little things like this a lot more than the average bear.

To me, the single redeeming quality of this film is that Blood is hilarious, with a delightfully dry wit, and he is played by Tiger from THE BRADY BUNCH. No kidding, people. It really is him and he’s just as cute has he can be.

Fun fact for you folks: plans were made to make a sequel (and odds are it would have been even more horrific than its predecessor), but the project was canned when Tiger died. Sad day. Anway, since he was a mutt (and not a designer dog like Rin Tin Tin or Lassie), a replacement Blood could not be found.

But I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it, if I were you.

FINAL GRADE: C-

Off in search of women and food,

M.

Day Seventy-Seven: Did You Hear About the Morgans?

2010-03-31T18:54:00.001-07:00

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MORGANS?

Coming soon

Day Seventy-Six: Cabaret

2010-03-31T18:52:00.002-07:00

CABARET

Starring:
-Liza Minnelli
-Michael York
-Joel Grey

Directed by: Bob Fosse

Screenplay Credits: Jay Allen

MPAA Rating: PG

Liza Minnelli stars as American cabaret dancer Sally Bowles who is working in Berlin at the KitKat Klub. When handsome young brit Brian Roberts (York) moves into the flat across the hall, Sally makes it her mission to befriend and seduce him. She convinces him to move into her large apartment and share the cost of rent. The two eventually become lovers, although it is made clear the Brian is bisexual. Eventually we discover that both Brian and Sally are “screwing” the same man, and we reach the disturbing conclusion that Sally is pregnant and cannot possibly determine which man is the father.

Brian tells Sally that paternity doesn’t matter, and the two discuss marriage and raising the child together in a little apartment somewhere in the country. If at this point in the film you are starting to think that all will end well for the pair, then you need to press STOP on your DVD player and go watch THE SOUND OF MUSIC immediately.

On “one of [her] whims,” Sally gets an abortion. In the end, Michael boards a train and Sally returns to the cabaret.

This is a dark, energetic musical that reflects the decadent life of a showgirl in 1940s Berlin, and the Nazis rise to violence and power. While the players are dancing and singing with wild abandon inside the theatre, Jews are being beaten and tormented on the outside streets.

One scene that is especially powerful takes place in a beer garden in the German countryside. A young Aryan boy in full Hitler Youth regalia stands and enthusiastically belts the beautiful, slightly chilling Nazi anthem, “Tomorrow Belongs to Me.” The other German citizens in the garden swell with patriotism and stand to join in the song, but they sing with great force and anger, so that the song becomes less of a lullaby and more of an angry shoutfest.

Legendary choreography Bob Fosse chose to direct in Germany, slightly altering the plot, main characters, and story arc of the hit Broadway play. Despite this, most of the show’s beloved songs are included and masterfully staged. Some of my favorites are “Mein Herr,” “Two Ladies,” and “Maybe This Time.”

Minnelli’s delivery of the song “Maybe This Time” is so touching; you see she really wants to believe that this time will be different, and you want to believe it right along with her.

Of course, no review of the film CABARET could possibly be made without mentioning the bizarre machinations of Joel Grey’s Master of Ceremonies.
He’s always scurrying around onstage and off in his bizarre makeup and strange little outfits. One reason I think the character is so interesting is because he was originated and perfected on Broadway by the soft-spoken Grey. Originally, Fosse was reluctant to cast Grey in his created role, but the producers informed him that if he wouldn’t work with Grey, he wouldn’t work at all.

In conclusion, I always enjoy watching this film. It has its light, comedic moments, but it definitely isn’t a picker-upper like HAIRSPRAY or SINGING IN THE RAIN. I would definitely put in on the darker level with hits like THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA or SWEENY TODD.

FINAL GRADE: A-

Off in search of an oncoming train,

M.

Day Seventy-Five: ANIMANIACS VOL. 1

2010-03-31T18:52:00.001-07:00

STEVEN SPIELBERG PRESENTS: ANIMANIACS VOL. 1

Starring:
-Yakko
-Wakko
-Dot

Helloooo, Nurse!

If you ever find yourself in a conversation about shows that were ahead of their time, it’s almost inevitable that some cartoon-literate weirdo will mention Steven Spielberg’s ANIMANIACS. And with good reason! These kooky little cat/dog/rabbit looking creatures will worm their way into your heart the second they burst out of their prison/home in the Warner Movie Lot’s infamous water tower.

The cast is truly an ensemble; while the Warner children’s antics make up the majority of the series, their cartoons are punctuated with the stories of Slappy the Slaphappy Squirrel, Pinky & the Brain, The Goodfeathers, and (my personal favorites) Rita and Runt.

The songs are often educational and always entertaining. The dialogue crackles along rapidly, but is delivered so skillfully that you shouldn’t miss out on a single thing. With parodies so sophisticated, it’s impossible to believe that any child could actually understand them (Les Miseranimals being a prime example), but these cartoons are balanced with enough visual gags and comedic hijinks that the kids won’t mind missing a few of the more deliberate adult references. This show is without a doubt one of the finest “kid shows” any pop culture loving adult could find. And if you had to pick one DVD collection to take with you and your children to a desert island, this one is going to be your best bet, I guarantee it.

Or you could just sit around and play with your coconuts.

Goodnight, everybody!

FINAL GRADE: A+

Off in search of the Warner brothers (and sister!),

M.

Day Seventy-Four: The Little Rascals

2010-03-31T18:51:00.001-07:00

THE LITTLE RASCALS

Starring:
- Travis Tedford
- Bug Hall
- Kevin Jamal Woods
- Courtland Mead

Directed by: Penelope Spheeris

Screenplay Credits: Paul Guay, Stephen Mazur, & Penelope Spheeris

MPAA Rating: PG

Here’s what I love about THE LITTLE RASCALS… everything except the kid with the mullet’s voice. I know, I know, he’s cute like a little John Denver, and I can respect that. But his character voice is like the sound make when you squash a toad with your Converse. I guess that’s why his name is Froggy.

Anyway, I went to college with a guy who looks just like Spanky, so this movie has a special, deep significance for me (he even talks like him, except not as high pitched).

The Rascals are gathered at the clubhouse to discuss the upcoming go cart race, but first they have to utter one of my favorite quotes:

“I, Stymie, member in good standing of the He-Man Woman-Haters Club do solemnly swear to be a He-Man and hate women, and not play with them or talk to them, unless I have to, and especially never fall in love. And if I do, may I die slowly and painfully and suffer for hours, or until I scream bloody murder.”

One reason Alfalfa is one of my favorite Rascals is because he is exactly what I imagine young Groucho Marx looked like.

Quick fun fact: THE LITTLE RASCALS has lots of good celebrity cameos, including Mel Brooks, Donald Trump, Whoopi Goldberg, Raven Simone, and Reba McIntire. The Olsen twins are also in the movie, but don’t let that ruin your enjoyment of the film.

Remember the infamous Buckwheat song? “We got a dolla! We got a dolla! We got a dolla, hey, hey, hey, hey!”

Here’s another quotable quote: “And then the clouds opened up and God said, “I hate you, Alfalfa.”

The movie is pretty much a long string of kid shenanigans, with some pretty hilarious one-liners along the way. In my opinion, it’s an excellent homage to The Little Rascals of old, successfully bringing a new generation of Rascals into the modern era.

One question though…how do these kids have a monkey?

FINAL GRADE: A

Off in search of somebody who won’t whip out their lizard,

M.

Day Seventy-Three: Paper Moon

2010-03-18T07:54:00.000-07:00

PAPER MOON

Starring:
-Ryan O’Neal
-Tatum O’Neal
-Madeleine Kahn

Directed by: Peter Bogdanovich

Screenplay Credits: Alvin Sargent

MPAA Rating: PG -horror of horrors! A nine year old smokes!

“It’s only a paper moon, sailing over a cardboard sea...”

Oh, hello!

I didn’t see you there.

I was just singing that song PAPER MOON, which just so happens to be the name of today’s film. Of course, if you’re anything like me, you can’t hear that song without thinking about Blanche DuBois and wanting to take a shower to get the “creepy” off of you.

Or maybe you just want to get into the shower with Vivian Leigh.

At any rate, this movie has very little to do with Blanche DuBois, except I can picture Miss Trixie Delight getting involved with a Neanderthal Marlon Brando type, but I’m getting ahead of myself here.

PAPER MOON starts off at a pathetic little funeral for a dead prostitute. Her little girl Addie (Tatum) stands adorably by in one of those little Tabitha dresses (so called because they’re the outfits that Tabitha always wore on BEWITCHED). She’s pretty bummed now that her mom is dead because she doesn’t seem to have a father, either.

Cue Moses Pray, a Bible salesman and, ironically, Tatum O’Neal’s father. Moses knew Addie’s mother (in the biblical sense, more than likely) and came to pay his respects. Somehow he gets roped into taking Little Orphan Addie (sorry… I couldn’t resist) to her aunt’s house in Missouri.

Along the way, we learn that Moses is a conman. Addie proves to be as asset to his business, so he keeps her around. The pair is really raking in the dough when Moses falls head over naughty parts in lust with Miss Trixie Delight, a stripper who is traveling around with her expressionless black maid.

Addie becomes jealous of Trixie and tricks her into getting into bed with the desk clerk at the hotel they’re staying at (who also happens to be that skinny, brown-haired, moron cowboy from BLAZING SADDLES). Addie makes sure that Moses sees them together. He gets mad, and they’re off like a jug handle.

Moses has a hard time bouncing back after Miss Delight broke his heart (“broke his ego” is probably more accurate), but Addie convinces him to take a stab at cheating a greasy old bootlegger. Moses gives it a whirl and sells the crooked man his own liquor. Moses and Addie are barely out of town with their $600+ bucks when the sheriff (who just happens to be the bootlegger’s brother) stops them and throws them in the clink.

It’s good to have family in high places, especially if you’re going to bootleg in the Depression.

Addie hides their money and manages to steal the keys to their car. She and Moses escape and hurry to Missouri, where the bootlegger’s brother can’t catch them. Unfortunately for Moses, the long arm of the law still extends to con men, and the local sheriff robs him and beats the crap out of him.

This is the last straw for the battered Moses, who sends Addie to be with her Aunt. Addie is miserable, so she runs back to Moses and they hit the road together once more to con the crap out of honest, hard-working people.

I love a happy ending, don’t you?

This film was originally slated to star Paul Newman and his daughter Nell, and I honestly think that would have made a far superior film, at least where the character Moses is concerned. This role earned Tatum a Best Supporting Actress Oscar, and I believe she still holds the record for youngest Oscar winner ever. Naturally, the Academy was dumber than dumb to give the award to the kid over Madeleine Kahn, who is clearly far superior to Tatum O’Neal, even in death.

PAPER MOON is shot in black and white, which I think was a very wise decision. The picture is very crisp looking, and the color choice makes the Depression-era story come to life in really interesting ways.

FINAL GRADE: B+

Off in search of some rich sucker,

M.

Day Seventy-Two: The Sixth Sense

2010-03-18T07:43:00.000-07:00

THE SIXTH SENSE

Starring:
-Bruce Willis
-Haley Joel Osment
-Toni Collette

Written & Directed by: M. Night Shyamalan

MPAA Rating: PG-13 - for some mild/moderate grossness

Remember back in the nineties when M. Night was the shizz? Yeah, me too. THE SIXTH SENSE, SIGNS, and THE VILLAGE are the only ones I’ve actually seen, and according to movie reviewers I both trust and admire, his other films aren’t quite up to snuff.

Turns out THE HAPPENING was about plants. PLANTS, people! ANGRY PLANTS!

But, I digress.

Anyway, Haley Joel plays Cole Sear, a little boy who doesn’t like it when people look at him like that, so stop it. Cole is a very sensitive child, probably because he spends most of his days looking at gruesome spirits wandering around trapped in our world. Seriously, it’s bad. Mischa Barton ruins his fort and pukes all over the place.

Cole’s mother is at her wits end with the strange circumstances surrounding her child. Although she notices strange things, she cannot see the big picture and she doesn’t know how to ask for help. But she’s a good Mama who feeds her baby Cocoa Puffs and she got him a beautiful dog.

Although he’s smart, Cole struggles at school. He’s compassionate and interesting, yet he has no friends. Cole starts seeing child psychologist Malcolm Crowe, who is interested in Cole because of the similarities he shares with a former, ill-fated patient.

Eventually, Cole confesses his terrible secret to Malcolm. The secret is this: he sees dead people.

I didn’t feel the need to go all ****SPOILER ALERT***** on you there, because I’m pretty sure that anybody who is reading this blog at least knows the basic premise of this huge beast of a movie.

But if you’ve never seen this one, I won’t be the one to ruin it for you. I will say, be wary of the color red. In fact, I probably wouldn’t rent the DVD from Redbox. Nor would I wear or eat anything red while watching the movie. But that’s just me.

Just a few observations I’ve made concerning Shyamalan films (once you know how to spell his last name, you’ll never forget it. Much like ‘Mississippi’ or ‘Wednesday.’):

M. Night likes to shoot his stars in reflections, presumably just because he can. Shyamalan thinks he’s Alfred Hitchcock, and more often than not he will cast himself in one of his movies. I wish I could cup his face tenderly in my palms and whisper in the kindest way possible, “M. sweetie, you need to stop this. Because you suck.”

Quentin Tarantino, I am also looking at you.

Shyamalan also seems to have a thing for struggling marriages and abandoned spouses, as evidenced by several of his other films. Of course the biggest Shyamalan-ism is the “what a twist!” ending he seems so fond of.

A few thoughts on the acting: Bruce Willis does very well in this picture, but the star of the show is, of course, wee Haley Joel Osment. H.J. tears it up, let me tell you. This kid could do anything! The sad but true fact is, I haven’t been impressed with him in anything sense SENSE. But maybe he’s through with acting and he’s working on getting his real estate license or something.

Wouldn’t that be cool?

“It’s a buyers market….they’re everywhere….all the time…walking around like regular people….you won’t tell them my secret, right?”

FINAL GRADE: A

Off in search of something blue for a change,

M. (not Night)

Day Seventy-One: Kinsey

2010-03-18T07:42:00.000-07:00

KINSEY

Starring:
-Liam Neeson
-Laura Linney
-Peter Sarsgaard
-Timothy Hutton

Written & Directed by: Bill Condon

MPAA Rating: R -don’t ever bring the kiddies to this one

I wouldn’t say that this is a strange film, but it certainly is a very strange story. KINSEY is based on the real life professor Alfred Kinsey, who infamously conducted highly personal sex surveys across the United States. Professor Kinsey surveyed any and all who would allow him, including sex criminals and pedophiles. He made no attempts to judge people, wanting only to document their responses for the sake of his research.

I would say on the whole that his motives were right. There is no excuse for people to be uneducated. Still, the no consequences, free love, why don’t we get drunk and screw, flippant attitude he develops over the course of the film is equal parts disturbing and disgusting.

Still, I am here to review the movie, not the man.

While Laura Linney gives a good performance, Liam Neeson failed to impress. He’s still a charming performer, and parts of his characterization were spot on (like the scenes where he’s giving lectures or meeting with students), but other moments felt disingenuous to me, and pulled me out of the film.

This has precious little to do with the quality of the movie, but Peter Sarsgaard always looks sleepy to me. It’s like he needs somebody to poke him. Plus he always makes me think of that SNL skit with the pirates: “Peter Saaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrsgaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard!”

Another side note – Timothy Hutton is absolutely perfect with the slimeball roles. It makes me think that he may be a bit of a creeper in real life. I mean, nobody’s THAT convincingly creepy, right?

FINAL GRADE: B-

Off in search of the episode of I LOVE LUCY that briefly alludes to the Kinsey Report,

M.

Day Seventy: Batman Returns

2010-03-17T11:04:00.000-07:00

BATMAN RETURNS

Starring:
-Michael Keaton
-Michelle Pfeiffer
-Danny DeVito
-Christopher Walken

Directed by: Tim Burton

Screenplay Credits: Daniel Waters

MPAA Rating: PG- 13 - brooding, dark violence

The first thing you'll notice about this movie is that the cast is absolutely huge. We're following a ton of stories here, most notably the ones related to animal people: Batman, Catwoman, and the Penguin.

And although I love cats, Danny DeVito, and Michelle Pfeiffer (in that order) I wasn't feeling my movie. Not only is this my least favorite of the older Batman films, it's my least favorite Tim Burton work. His influence is certainly everywhere, but it isn't as polished as most of his other films.

When the Penguin emerges from the sewers to seek vengeance on the parents who abandoned him, he learns that they've already bit the big one. Lucky for him, Mack Shreck (Christopher Walken, not to be confused with Shrek Shrek) is easily coerced into helping him find fame and fortune in Gotham City, and Shreck helps Penguin run for Mayor.

Meanwhile, lonely loser Selina Kyle has discovered her bosses' secret plans to drain Gotham City's energy (comic book plotline, much?). Shreck doesn't want to take a chance with Selina, so he throws her out the window of the tall office building. She looks pretty dead when she lands, but all these cats come running out of the alley to lick around on her and SUDDENLY she wakes up with a personality disorder.

The Batman/Catwoman feud and the Bruce Wayne/Selina Kyle love story make for interested contrasts, but they certainly don't live up to their full potentials. The best scene in my humble opinion is the one where Bruce and Selina are making out and they keep accidentally bumping up against the war wounds they themselves gave each other. AND YET THEY DON'T FIGURE IT OUT RIGHT THEN AND THERE!

Hilarious.

I'm convinced that the people of Gotham City are all mindless idiots and Bruce Wayne is a man of normal intelligence who just happens to have a butler and gobs of money. Everybody in the city is an idiot buffoon except for the outlandish villains and the original emo kid - Batman.

All in all, it isn't a terrible movie, but it will give you one of those Saturday morning cartoon-type feelings. It does reinforce my belief that Superman is the far superior super hero.

Sorry, Chris Pate.

FINAL GRADE: C-

Off in search of my parents,

M. Penguin

Day Sixty-Nine: Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland

2010-03-17T11:03:00.000-07:00

ALICE IN WONDERLAND

Starring:
-Johnny Depp
-Helena Bonham Carter
-Mia Wasikowska
-Anne Hathaway

Directed by: Tim Burton

Screenplay Credits:Linda Woolverton

MPAA Rating: PG -because the caterpillar smokes

When the promos first appeared, the last thing I wanted to do was go see this movie. The characters looked too freaky, and I was concerned that it was going to be a full blown remake of the Disney animated feature.

Happily, I was coerced into going with a dear friend and her family and I was able to enjoy the experience in 3D.

First of all (if there is anybody left in the world who hasn't seen this movie, besides my mother), this is not a remake of the original. It is a continuation of the story, although it does provide brief, occasional frames based on the previous story.

Alice, now 19, has just arrived to her engagement party. This is news to her, and she has absolutely no desire to be roped into a marriage of convenience with a strange-nosed redhead with no personality. Dude proposes, but Alice runs away after the White Rabbit in the waistcoat and she ends up falling down the rabbit hole again.

Here is where the fun really begins.

Burton has created such a dazzling, vibrant, whimsical world that you absolutely cannot believe that Alice would ever want to return home.

The basic gist of the film on focused on girl power, and the slaying of the fearsome Jabberwocky with the Vorpal Sword. I don't want to give anything away, because this movie is such a joy to experience the first time.

Helena Bonham Carter is absolutely hilarious as the Red Queen. I think this is my favorite role of hers. Every line is delivered perfectly and the choice to warp her physically was absolutely inspired. The contrast between the Red and White Queens is both strong and compelling, and each Queen made excellent choices as far as characterization and style.

Overall, I'm giving this one an A+. I can't wait to add it to my collection.

Off in search of the frumious bandersnatch,

M.

Day Sixty-Eight: The Time Traveler's Wife

2010-03-17T10:39:00.001-07:00

THE TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE

Starring:
-Eric Bana
-Rachel McAdams

Directed by: Robert Schwentke

Screenplay Credits: Bruce Joel Rubin

MPAA Rating: PG-13 - because Eric Bana cannot keep his clothes on

Some movies just need to have happy endings. I feel like this was one of those movies. Sadly, the screenwriter, director, and producer (and, coincidentally, the woman who wrote the novel originally) disagreed with me.

This movie was a head trip from the very beginning. You cannot afford to make a run for the potty without pausing because it's almost a guarantee that you will miss something vital to understanding what the heck is going on. My movie watching buddy and I compared it to THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT in that a single viewing is not going to answer all your questions, or leave you satisifed.

The prolbem with both of these movies is that neither one was compelling enough for me to ever desire a second viewing.

The movie is about a man named Henry who, for whatever reason, time travels. We has no control over when or where he goes, and the real kicker is, he always goes naked. So he's pretty much a criminal in all the other times because he has to break into people's homes and steal clothes.

The real victim here is his poor wife, Rachel McAdams, who loves him so much she wouldn't dream of leaving him, even though he time travels away from her- sometimes for weeks at a time. So even though the main character is Henry, the story is all about how his traveling influenced and affected his wife. I guess that's the point of the story really, given the title.

Henry and his long-suffering wife eventually have a kid (one who does not time travel out of the womb...yeah, you heard me) whom they name Alba. Like Jessica Alba, who I used to get confused with Rachel AcAdams. Anyway, the kid has the time traveling gene, but it's mutated a little. This means that she can occasionally control when, and where she goes, and how long she is gone. What she fails to report is what everybody wants to know: CAN YOU KEEP YOUR CLOTHES?!?!?!

Maybe I'm biased, but I think it would be infinitely worse to be a woman turning up naked somewhere than a man.

There were good performances by the adorable McAdams and (beautiful, simply beautiful) Bana, but as a whole, I wouldn't recommend THE TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE to anybody, unless they were interested in the phenomenon of time travel, or they just wanted to stare at Bana's butt.

You know what? On second thought, everybody go look at Eric Bana's butt!

FINAL GRADE: C+

Off in search of clothing,

M.

Day Sixty-Seven: The Witches of Eastwick

2010-03-09T11:42:00.001-08:00

THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK

Starring:
-Jack Nicholson
-Cher
-Susan Sarandon
-Michelle Pfeiffer

Directed by: George Miller

Screenplay Credits: Michael Cristofer

MPAA Rating: R

Alex (Cher), Sukie (Pfieffer), and Jane (Sarandon) are BFFs in the tiny town of Eastwick. Alex’s husband is dead and she has one daughter, whom we rarely (if ever) see. Alex is an artist who makes strange looking pottery women. Sukie has like six kids. This is the reason her husband left her. She works as a columnist for the local newspaper. Jane gives music lessons, plays with a small symphony, and is a total nerd. We learn that her husband left her for several reasons, one of which is that they had no children.

Jane’s divorce has been finalized and the three friends gather to drink and chat about their lives. The women briefly discuss the fact that strange things happen to them when they are all together and thinking similar thoughts. One woman suspects that they somehow caused a huge thunderstorm to appear so they could leave a boring speech. Eventually, the women begin to dream up the perfect man, agreeing that he should be a stranger who, while not necessarily handsome, is incredibly charismatic.

Soon after, one such stranger (Nicholson) moves to town. I don’t want to alarm anybody, but he’s the Devil and he’s looking for some women to iron his shirts and have his babies. He knows he’s found them in Jane, Sukie, and Alex.

The gals start spending a lot of time with Daryl van Horne in his enormous mansion. Daryl subtly helps them fine-tune their powers. Small town politics threaten their idyllic new family life as the women are called out for tramping around in the mansion. Daryl casts a spell on local busybody Felicia, causing her to spit up cherry pits until she becomes totally possessed. Felicia’s husband freaks out and beats her to death with a poker.

When the women learn that their romantic entanglements with Daryl have a very serious dark side, they all agree to cut him off immediately. Daryl is furious and takes it out on each of them by plaguing them with their worst fears. The women give in to Daryl to make him reverse his spells on them. He does and they all spend the night together.

The next day they create a voodoo doll in Daryl’s image and torture him as he runs errands in town with his butler. He returns to the mansion to stop them, but Jane drops the doll and it breaks into three pieces. The doll bursts into flames and so does Daryl.

We fast-forward eighteen months later to find three babies (one with blond hair, another with red, and yet another darker-skinned “gypsies, tramps, and thieves” style baby we can only assume came from Cher) toddling around together. The three women and their combined brood of children has moved into Daryl’s mansion and are living happily ever after.

There is entirely too much vomiting in this movie. This is probably an exaggeration, but it feels like one you get about twenty minutes into the film, everybody starts gagging and vomiting ALL THE TIME. You can come at me with your intestines hanging out of your body and I’ll be okay; but throw up in front of me, and I’m a goner. I’m a sympathy vomiter. If I see you puke, my first response is to join right in and I absolutely hate it.

If the worst thing in this film is the vomiting, then surely the best thing is Nicholson’s performance. It’s always bizarre, occasionally hilarious, and consistently interesting. He’s so charming that you want to be his buddy, too. Then again he’s got an unnerving sadistic streak that makes you shudder.

At the end of the day, I think I prefer the movie to the novel, even though this has never been my favorite supernatural story.

FINAL GRADE: B

Off in search of Daryl,

M.

Day Sixty-Six: Snow White

2010-03-08T09:50:00.000-08:00

SNOW WHITE

As most of you already know, the Wicked Queen is Snow White’s stepmother. She’s obsessed with her appearance, and her Magic Mirror constantly reminds her that she’s the fairest of them all. The Queen and her mirror were terrifying to me when I was a kid. She turns into a crone and she’s got that creepy black bird, remember? Ooooh. Gives me shudders just thinking about it.

Anyway, one day the mirror tells her that Snow White is the fairest. She’s not having any of that, so she sends her Huntsman to kill Snow White and demands that he bring her heart in a box as proof of her death. The Huntsman can’t bring himself to kill Snow, so he tells her to run deep into the forest and hide from the Queen. Snow does, and the woodland creatures lead her to a small cottage. Snow busts in to make herself at home. She rightly assumes that people already live there, even though the place is a hovel. She gets to work moving everything around.

No, Snow White, you’ve got this all wrong. Seven tiny men might let you stay because you’re hot and you don’t mind cleaning, but they don’t want you rifling through their stuff. I can guarantee that. And I get that the woodland creatures are supposed to be helping her clean, but if you really look at them all they’re doing is rubbing their furry little bottoms all over everything. Watch the scene if you don’t believe me.

I love just about any scene with the dwarfs in it. I especially love the first song they have when they’re working with all the sparkling gems in the mine. They’re just so cute marching single file, singing “Heigh-Ho” with their little pickaxes! I remember that Doc was my favorite when I was a kid, but these days I’m kind of partial to Bashful. Dopey’s a fan favorite, of course, with his galloping dances and skipping around.

One thing I’ve always wanted to know…are the dwarfs brothers? Cousins? They must be related. Either that or all dwarfs look alike, which seems very racist. Dwarfist?

At any rate, when Snow White first sees them, she exclaims, “Why…why you’re little men!”

Way to rub it in, Snow.

Grumpy soon reveals himself to be ornery, suspicious, and resistant to all feelings of charity and goodwill. In other words, he’s a liberal. But seriously, folks, he has to be coerced into washing up for supper, a sure sign that he’s going to be trouble. Meanwhile, Dopey pounces after the soap like a little kitty. Eventually he swallows it and starts hiccupping bubbles.

Meanwhile, the Queen learns from that tattletale mirror of hers that Snow White is still alive and she’s shaking up with all those kinky dwarfs. They spend their nights dancing and yodeling by the fire; it’s positively salacious. The Queen drinks a potion to disguise herself (what happened to wigs?) and concocts the infamous poisoned apple to make Snow White fall into the sleeping death. The logic here seems off; one would think she’d want to make Snow ugly, not doze off. If she’s sleeping, she’s still going to lie there beautiful. She might require occasional dusting, but she won’t be any less attractive.

Back in the cottage, Snow White tells all the dwarfs about her charming Prince. Naturally, she does it in song. Cue “Someday my prince will come.”

It is here I must pause, take a page from Grumpy’s book, and snort with derision. I am one of Disney’s many victims. Thanks to these cuddly, sentimental movies, I have unrealistic expectations about love.

Before bed, Snow White kneels to offer up the Lord’s Prayer: “Bless the seven little men who have been so kind to me…and may my dreams come true.”

The Queen/Crone reads the antidote for reviving a victim of sleeping death. According to her potion book, it is love’s first kiss. Sappy. Anyway, the Queen cackles like mad, because she knows the dwarfs will think Snow White is dead and “BURY HER ALIVE! BURY! HER! ALIVE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHAH!”

Seriously, even the crow is scared of her.

The dwarfs head off to work. Snow White kisses each one of them on their bald little heads and sends them off to the mine. Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it’s off to work they go.

The Queen manages to get Snow to take a bite of the poison apple. The critters run off the warn the dwarfs that something is afoot, but by the time they make it to the cottage, Snow is collapsed on the floor and the Queen has stolen away in a storm. The dwarfs chase her up a mountain. She reaches the end of the cliff and tumbles off. Several rocks follow her down, crushing her, and the grossest animation of the film shows the cartoon vultures starting to circle her carcass. Ew.

Text on the screen informs is that the dwarfs thought Snow was so beautiful they couldn’t stand to bury her, so they made a coffin of class and gold. She’s all stretched out there and creepy looking and the dwarfs are bringing her flowers when the Prince rides up singing their song. The Prince kisses her, but this is Disney, so there’s no tongue involved. Snow’s eyes start to flutter and she wakes! Hoorah!

The Prince loads her up on his horse and rides her off to his castle. She finds time to kiss all the little men goodbye, and I like to think that they emptied the mine and relocated somewhere nearby Snow and the Prince.

Leave me my dreams.

FINAL GRADE: A-

Off in search of “…and they lived happily ever after”,

M.

Day Sixty-Five: Black Dog

2010-03-08T09:48:00.000-08:00

BLACK DOG

Starring:
-Patrick Swayze
-Randy Travis
-Meat Loaf
-Stephen “Oh Gah, Don’t You Love A Good Monkey” Toblowsky

Directed by: Kevin Hooks

Screenplay Credits: William Mickelberry & Dan Vining

MPAA Rating: PG-13

Car chase! Explosions! Agrument between FBI and ATF agents!

And so begins another exciting trucker movie.

Patrick is working as a mechanic. We learn that he was arrested for something and lost his CDL, but he was one of those legendary Bandit-style truckers. His boss pulls him aside and lays down the law: complete this off the books run for me (even though you are not longer licensed to drive a big truck) or I’ll fire you.

Patrick’s wife is the lady who killed herself on Wisteria Lane. She’s a pretty lady, but she doesn’t look right next to Patrick. She’s very pale, and she’s almost too tall for him. Also on her list of faults is the bank foreclosure letter she’s keeping hidden away from in the kitchen. This is the deciding factor for Patrick, who agrees to make the 15-hour Atlanta run.

Patrick dreams he’s cruising along in his rig, half-asleep, and he hits a creepy looking black dog.

This does not deter him from reporting to Meat Loaf in Atlanta. He meets Earl (Randy Travis), another driver. Meat Loaf likes coupons, and the Bible. Patrick hops into his BEAUTIFUL old Peterbilt along with Earl, who’ll bring the rig back from New Jersey. Wes and Sonny will be riding behind them running blocker for “protection.”

At this point, you’ll find yourself thinking, “Well, this is all well and good, but when is Randy Travis going to SING?!?”

The answer is: SOON. But be prepared, it won’t be pretty.

Also somebody who is NOT Eddie Rabbit sings “Driving My Life Away.”

Anyway, a car with only one headlight drives up and starts blasting away at them. They realize that the bad guys are working for Meat Loaf, who is trying to hijack the load. Thanks to some fancy driving, Patrick gets away.

Patrick asks what exactly he’s carrying, so they all pile into the back to see crates full of AK-47s. The bad guys go after Patrick’s wife and kid, Meat Loaf’s still chasing them, you know the story. Randy Travis tells the cryptic story of The Black Dog. It comes when you get greedy; it comes to take everything away from you…spoooooky.

I wish they’d done a little more with the black dog legend, because that part is actually a whole lot more interesting than the other plot they’ve come up with.

Patrick bargains with the bad guys to get his wife and daughter. The FBI rolls in just in time and a dramatic shootout occurs. Patrick gets a bloody lip but his wife kisses him anyway because hey, he’s Patrick Swayze.

The FBI was so thankful that they give Patrick his license back, and they save their house. Ain’t life grand?

This is a pretty stupid movie. It’s certainly not Patrick’s best work, but he makes up for it by breathily repeating a name that may or may not be mine again, and again, and again…

Just prepare to hear Swayze say the phrase, “I’m gonna get us out of this” about every twenty minutes. And, just in case you’re wondering, Randy does get to sing over the closing credits. Perhaps this is our reward for sitting through the whole movie…well, this and watching Meat Loaf meet Jesus in a fiery train explosion.

FINAL GRADE: C

Off in search of the dog,

M.

Day Sixty-Four: Hannibal

2010-03-05T11:04:00.000-08:00

HANNIBAL

Starring:
-Anthony Hopkins
-Julianne Moore
-Ray Liotta
-Gary Oldham (Sirius Black, although he’s totally unrecognizable)

Directed by: Ridley Scott

Screenplay Credits: David Mamet & Steve Zaillian

MPAA Rating: R

I had bad dreams last night about Ray Liotta and brains. Any guesses as to what movie I watched before tucking myself in?

Yup, HANNIBAL.

I had seen a teenie it of the baseball cap/brain part on television many, many years ago. I stared in horror with my mouth hanging open, then immediately shut the television off, left my bedroom, and tried to decide whether or not I wanted to puke.

Watching the movie in its entirety, even all these years later, had precisely the same effect on me.

Ray Liotta eating his own brain. SERIOUSLY?!?! Who comes up with this crap?

I guess the writers have to throw in stuff like that to keep you from liking Hannibal so much. Because really, he’s a likeable guy.

I never really liked Jodie Foster all that well (in any movie); but if anything can make me miss Jodie, it’s Julianne Moore. Something about her just annoys the ever-loving stew out of me. Rarely have I seen a Julianne Moore movie that didn’t make me want to slap her around a little.

I can’t explain it, I simply have taken a wild dislike to her. It’s funny too, she tried to make her voice sound huskier in this film.

Gosh, I hate it when movies switch actors on you. I know they asked Jodie to reprise her role and, like a simpleton, she refused. But the film would have been so much better had she returned. It’s like Samantha Stevens on BEWITCHED. She goes to sleep with a York and wakes up with a Sergeant and the world’s not supposed to notice?

Believe me… we notice. And we hate it! That is, everybody but Julianne Moore’s (and, coincidentally, Dick Sergeant’s) mom hates it.

Nevertheless, Sir Anthony carried the film, no matter what the fiendishly sadistic writers threw his way (dogs eating faces? Wild pigs attacking people? WTF, writers?)

I think I enjoyed the first film a bit more, but I also liked that this film focused more on Hannibal than another serial killer dude - except for the shoutout to Osama bin Laden.

FINAL GRADE: B-

Off in search of Dr. Lector,

M.

Day Sixty-Three: Silence of the Lambs

2010-03-04T10:54:00.000-08:00

SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

Starring:
-Anthony Hopkins
-Jodie Foster
-Ted Levine

Directed by: Jonathan Demme

Screenplay Credits: Ted Tally

MPAA Rating: R

“It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.”

If that doesn’t make your skin crawl, you must be weirdly inhuman.

This was my first time watching SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. I’m not sure how I avoided it all these years; it just never came up. I haven’t been hiding from it, though, and finding it in the five dollar bin at Wal-Mart couple with the sequel, HANNIBAL, reinforced my belief that 2010 is the year of trying new things.

I cuddled up in my bed with a bottle of water and a bowl of celery sticks (don’t judge me, they make a very satisfying crunch) and tried to prepare myself for whatever freaky crap this movie was going to throw at me.

It really wasn’t that bad. Hannibal the Cannibal is a brilliant but deadly doctor who has been locked away for several years. FBI trainee Claries Starling interests him, and he agrees to talk with her about the world’s latest serial madman “Buffalo Bill.” Starling has reason to believe that Lector knows the bad guy’s true identity. Claries figures it out and shoots him to death. Hannibal eats some people and breaks free.

The story you know; that’s not what I’m interesting in reporting. What interesting me is the little tidbit that BLEW MY MIND about this movie.

I don’t normally pay close attention to actor names in the beginning credits. I’d rather be thinking “Hey, it’s Agent Starling!” instead of “Hey, Jodie Foster has such a mannish voice!” So I ignored the name “Ted Levine” but believe you me, I know who that is.

It took me an embarrassingly long time to put it together though. Every time Buffalo Bill came on the screen, I actually averted my eyes. That is how creepy looking I found him. It wasn’t until the movie was approaching its final climactic scenes that I realized, “This guy sounds just like Captain Leland Stottlemeyer on MONK.”

And then I gasped the world’s hardest gasp and shook my head in disbelief for the duration of the film. It’s him! It really is him!

Now I’m almost desperate to watch an episode of MONK so I care stare at him (his creepy face and pasty serial killer body obscured by a tasteful suit and bushy mustache) and murmur “goodbye hoooooorseeeeeees” quietly to myself until my mother shuts off the television and tells me I’m adopted.

The movie? Not as freaky (or as good) as I thought it would be. Hannibal Lecotr is DEFINITELY a compelling character though. Sir Anthony gives a perfect, bone-chilling portrayal. I like Hannibal so well that I actually wanted him to go free, despite the fact that the mere thought of cannibalism makes me want to heave and gag my guts up. This is excellent writing, and superb delivery. I feel confident enough in my belief to say that Hannibal the Cannibal is one of the most interesting characters the screen may ever know.

And he has excellent taste in wine.

FINAL GRADE: B

Off in search of Miss Mofet,

M.

Day Sixty-Two: Taken

2010-03-03T09:59:00.003-08:00

Day Sixty-One: Click

2010-03-03T09:59:00.001-08:00

CLICK

Starring:
-Adam Sandler
-Kate Beckinsale
-Christopher Walken

Directed by: Frank Coraci

Screenplay Credits: Steve Koren & Mark O’Keefe

MPAA Rating: PG-13

The premise is a simple one. What if you had a universal remote that controlled your universe? It’s an idea I’ve certainly considered, even long before this movie was released. I’m sure you’ve had similar thoughts, especially when doing something hard or boring, like a math test or something similarly horrible. Add to that all the good things that could happen, like pausing something you liked the looks of, or muting the dog’s obnoxious barking.

Michael Newman enjoys both the blessings and the curses of the universal remote that he receives from Bed, Bath, & Beyond employee (and angel of death) Morty (Walken). When the remote starts controlling his entire life, Michael practically fast forwards to his death and winds up missing his entire life. His children grow up, his father passes, his wife marries someone else, and he even loses his beloved duck-humping golden retriever Sundance.

Eventually Michael experiences his own death and makes the amazing revelation that “family comes first.” Morty cuts him some slack and lets him get back to where he started. Only this time, Michael is kinda like an Aerosmith song. He doesn’t want to miss a thing.

While this starts out as a kind of raunchy comedy, it has an amazing message that actually made me tear up. I love the part when he bursts in on his parents in the middle of the night to hug and kiss them. If I could go back to another time and burst in on my parents or grandparents, I would hug and kiss them for hours.

This movie will mean more to you if you understand what it’s like to want to fast forward to the good parts of your life. If I ever have that temptation again, I will remember this movie and I will be smarter.

FINAL GRADE: A-

Off in search of Way, Way Beyond,

M.

Day Sixty: Sex & the City - The Movie

2010-03-03T09:58:00.001-08:00

Coming Soon (said Samantha)

Day Fifty-Nine: French Kiss

2010-03-01T11:41:00.001-08:00

FRENCH KISS

Starring:
-Kevin Kline
-Meg Ryan

Directed by: Lawrence Kasdan

Screenplay Credits: Adam Brooks

MPAA Rating: PG-13

Kate (Ryan) has just been overseas dumped by her philandering slimeball fiancé (Timothy Hutton) who’s not ready to commit to her but is more that happy to settle down with a French “god-dess”. Despite her intense phobia of flying, Kate boards a plane to France to find her fiancé and force him to love her again. Beside her on the plane is Kevin Kline, a French con artist who is smuggling a vine (and an expensive diamond necklace) out of Canada in hopes of starting his own vineyard.

Through a series of comical mishaps, both characters are repeatedly thrown together until they realize they’re madly in love. Ah, romance.

I love this movie, mostly because of Kevin Kline. He’s a fascinating guy who always makes really interesting film choices. He’s the perfect charming “good guy” con man and he’s got just the right amount of danger to him with the stealing cars and pocket picking. I love the scene where his character first meets Kate. He realizes that she’s having a freak attack about flying, so he insults her during take off so that she doesn’t even notice until they’re already in the air. Then he gets her a little drunk.

Another element I liked about this film was the good ole standard “cop protects good hearted con man because good hearted con man once saved cop’s life” device. It’s been done to death, but it manages to be fresh and interesting within this world.

This movie also features my favorite version of Meg Ryan. She was still going through her “America’s Sweetheart” phase and she hadn’t yet done that weird plastic surgery thing to her lips that made her look like the Jack Nicholson Joker. She’s so good at playing needy neurotics that it makes you wonder how much of that is drawn from personal experience. Considering past events (Russell Crowe, you cad!), she probably isn’t so needy and neurotic. Just trampy and irresponsible. Which blew the door wide open for Julia Roberts to make her Pretty Woman self right at home.

This is one of the few romantic comedies that isn’t so treacly sweet it makes you want to vomit until you die. So watch it sometime.

FINAL GRADE: A

Off in search of my philandering fiancé,

M.

Day Fifty-Eight: Superman- The Movie

2010-02-27T12:35:00.000-08:00

SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE

Starring:
-Marlon Brando
-Gene Hackman
-Christopher Reeve
-Margot Kidder

Directed by: Richard Donner

Screenplay Credits: Mario Puzo, David Newman, Leslie Newman, & Robert Benton

MPAA Rating: PG-13 – for peril, some mild sensuality, and language (trust me, your kids can watch it)

Marlon Brando is one of Planet Krypton’s leading scientists. He also wears far too much eye makeup and is convinced that everyone needs to evacuate the planet. The Council thinks this is hogwash and warns Marlon that they’re gonna shoot him into the phantom zone and he’s all, “I don’t care what you do, just let me and my dog-faced wife and my little pudgy baby leave the planet.”

And the Council’s all like, “No.”

Jerks.

Anyway, Marlon explains to the audience that they’re shipping the kid to Earth so he won’t die when the planet is destroyed. He also clues us in that “because of his dense molecular structure, he will defy their gravity,” and he learn that he’ll be super freaky strong, but he’ll look just like those moron earthlings. All of this is good information.

I forgot to mention that Marlon and all the other Krypton people wear fancy white jumpsuits. They must go through Clorox like nobody’s business.

Back to the story. Baby Brando gets shipped away to Earth in his little pod just as the planet starts falling apart. How’s that for good timing? I don’t know why they didn’t just go with him. That seems like one of those questions that the screenwriters didn’t want us to ask.

So here goes the baby, falling to Earth in his little sky pod. It takes him a couple of years to get here, though, because he’s pretty much a toddler when he lands. A couple of simple country folk are happening by and they spot the little naked fellow. The woman decides that this is God finally givin’ them a little ‘un. We determine that the man has a heart condition, and that the toddler can lift the tail end of the car off the ground all by himself.

The Kents adopt the squirt and he grows up to be a strapping young yuppie that gets picked on by the jocks. He’ll show you, jocks! You just wait till you see his tights!

Clark kicks a football out of the atmosphere and runs faster than a speeding train. The effect here is so bad you might actually groan, so you should probably just close your eyes and imagine young Clark outrunning the train.

Boy that red shirt sure looks good with his jet-black hair and sexy skin tone. What can I say? Doesn’t hurt to look.

Anyway, Clark goes home and his dad shares some meaningful words of wisdom. Then Clark utters those fateful words, “Race ya!”

Needless to say, Clark’s pop keels over dead. Remember that heart device they so subtly told you about in the character introduction? That’s called, foreshadowing.

After the funeral, Clark gets out of bed in the wee hours to look at the green crystal thing his dad sent with him. Then he runs off across the amber waves of grain to stare pensively at the horizon and contemplate things of importance. His mom treks out to talk to him – seriously, it’s like five miles. And he tells her he’s headed north, which would piss me off if I were his mama. I mean here she took him naked off the side of the road and fed him and raised him all these years and the SECOND, I mean the VERY SECOND her husband kicks, ole Clark decides he’s heading out, too.

Now, when Clark said north I was thinking New York. Chicago maybe. But no, he goes to the frozen tundra. He’s hopping around on floating icebergs and stuff and he’s really underdressed for the climate. No mittens or anything.

Anyhow, somehow he knows that he must hurl this green glowing crystal stick thing out into the snow. Maybe there were instructions written on the side in tiny print, I don’t know. At any rate, he pitches it out and all this stuff starts coming up out of the water to make a fancy winter wonderland-ish crystal land. A ball of light appears and we see Marlon Brando again. Well, his head.

We figure out that this is like a time warp voicemail message. Sort of like afterlife skype-ing. Marlon gives Clark “the talk.” They probably talk about the birds and the bees, but the screenwriters didn’t feel it was important to add that scene. This scene is basically a chance for Marlon Brando to get in one last monologue and earn his millions.

All of a sudden, Clark becomes Christopher Reeve, which makes me think of horses, which makes sad for him.

Clark is a nerd who has started work at the Daily Planet. The chief asks terrible speller Lois Lane to show Clark the ropes.

“How do you spell massacre?” – Lois Lane

It’s hard for me to look at Lois, because I find Margot Kidder so dreadful. Why did they have to pick her? I mean, were there no other brunette actresses in Hollywood? Christopher Reeve was attractive enough that they could have gotten a Lois. I mean, if Seth Rogen were playing Superman, you’d want to make Lois a real dog so he would look better by comparison. I digress.

There are a couple of undercover cops sneaking around following a suspicious looking character. This is when we start hearing the name “Lex Luthor” getting bandied around.

Luthor (Hackman) is the “fiendishly gifted” criminal mastermind who’s got a swank underground lair that’s chock full of technology and books. We learn that Lex is preparing to pull off the crime of the century in mere days.

“Why is the most brilliantly diabolical leader of our time surrounding himself with total nincompoops?” Lex

Next we learn that Lois is one of these needy chicks who needs to have her life saved all the time. Lucky for her, Superman has been crushing on her pretty hard.

Watching Superman fly reminds me of how badly I wanted to ride the Superman ride in whatever theme park we were at. But I was too chicken to go by myself. Maybe one day I will get over my fear off falling out of a roller coaster and feel the breeze on my belly Clark Kent style.

Oh, right. The movie. I almost forgot. The following scenes are of Superman thwarting evildoers and saving kitties from tall trees.

Clark chats with his real dad some more. Marlon Brando Head has more advice for the young whippersnapper before fading out. He really needs a snappy fade out catchphrase if he’s gonna keep doing that. You know, like Ryan Seacrest does.

Jor-El, out!

I’m not crazy about Hackman as Luthor. He just isn’t dangerous. He’s too much of a buffoon. Interestingly, he does have most of the good lines.

“Next time, put my robe on after I’m out of the pool.” – Lex

Superman meets Lois on the roof. She’s all slutted up to see him, but he really is the all-American superstud. No drinking, no smoking, etc. Also, he never lies. The playful interview scene between Superman and Lois is really cute and adorably tense. This is probably my favorite scene so far.

As always, I need to take a minute to discuss the overall attractiveness of the male lead. Christopher Reeve is one of those good-looking people who seem to have been carved out of stone. And yet he has a boyish charm that’s almost catches you off guard.

If I were Lois, I would have to suggest that we join the Mile High Club. We wouldn’t need the airplane.

I’m sure it won’t surprise you to know that Lex is planning Superman’s demise with his moronic henchmen.

There’s a car wreck, and Larry Hagman gets to give a buxom beauty a “chest massage” followed by a little “mouth to mouth.”

Larry, you dog.

The is all part of Lex’s plan to contact Superman via dog frequency and get him into a trap. Superman walks right into Lex’s lair. Lex fills him in on the plan to destroy California.

“Otisburg? OTISBURG?!?!?!” – Lex

Lew whoops out the Kryptonite and Superman goes all diabetic coma. The buxom henchwoman decides to release Superman so that he can go save California and Lois Lane. He takes care of California but WHOOPS, Lois dies.

Sorry.

Unfortunately for all the innocent movie-watchers at home, Superman is grief-stricken that his unattractive, terrible actress girlfriend has been crushed in a rockslide, so he screams in fury before zooming backwards around the planet. Obviously, this turns back time and Superman manages to save her.

I always thought that was a kind of stupid device, but what can you do?

Superman is totally charming. He’s the perfect man, but he lets all those mere mortals off the hook since he’s from another planet. Lex Luthor has all of the fun lines in this film, and the opening sequences with Brando and the Council could have been greatly improved, but overall this is the granddaddy of superhero movies. John Williams’ Superman theme sounds just as thrilling today as it did all those years ago. Superman mania has been successful in every conceivable media: comic books, radio, stage, and both big and little screens.

Fun fact that most people my age don’t know, the black and white TV show THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN starred another superhunk, George Reeves. No relation to the Greek God featured in SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE. I just always thought it was neat their names were so similar. Plus he’s on an episode of I LOVE LUCY that is really, really funny.

FINAL GRADE: A-

Off in search of Truth, Justice, and the American Way,

M.

Day Fifty-Seven: Les Miserables

2010-02-26T09:38:00.000-08:00

LES MISERABLES

Starring:
-Liam Neeson
-Geoffrey Rush
-Uma Thurman
-Claire Danes

Directed by: Billie August

Screenplay Credits: Rafael Yglesias

MPAA Rating: PG-13 – for violence and some sexual content

When Jean Valjean was very young, he was starving in the streets. One day he stole a loaf of bread. For this crime he was captured, imprisoned, and forced to serve 19 years of hard labor in a work camp. One of his overseers, Javert, was especially brutal and Valjean never forgot his cruelty.

When Valjean is finally released, he is to meet a parole officer in another city. He stops in his travels to dine with a priest. In the middle of the night, he runs off with the house silver. The police arrest him just for looking suspicious and they bring him to the priest, who claims that the silver was a gift. He also gives Valjean the two silver candlesticks he left behind, telling him he must honor his promise to become a new man. This kind act touches Valjean deeply, and he goes on to make something of himself.

He neglects to meet with his parole officer and instead goes to the city of Vigou to get a job as a worker in a factory. The factory goes bankrupt and Valjean is able to use his meager savings to purchase and rebuild it. Valjean’s kindness is legendary, and the townspeople insist he become Mayor. Valjean reluctantly accepts the title and continues to do good work in the city.

Long story made short, he feels responsible for Fantine losing her job in his factory and becoming a prostitute. Now she’s dying of some random hooker disease and her child is stuck with some horrifyingly evil innkeepers in another city. Valjean promises Fantine that he will collect her child and take care of her. He assures her that Cosette will want for nothing.

Fantine dies and Valjean takes Cosette away from the innkeepers. All the while, Javert is on their trail. He wants to send Valjean back to prison for life for his parole violation. Javert is obsessed with rules and procedure and the keeping of the law. He’s very anal about it. Maybe he wasn’t breastfed.

Anyway, this is a really fine movie adaptation. It’s sweeping cinematically and visually very beautiful. Obviously some things had to be changed around and several things had to be omitted (I never liked you anyway, Eponine. You’re a man-stealing slut.), but it hits the high points and gets the main plotlines across.

Next to Valjean, my favorite character is Javert. He’s such an intriguing guy, and Geoffrey Rush is unbelievable in this part. I mean, you want to smack him, but you can’t wait to see what he’s gonna pull next.

I did sort of miss the songs in a couple of places, like at the innkeepers, but I most certainly did not miss hearing Fantine’s deathbed banshee screech: “Look, monsieur, at how the children PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!” It’s also good to be without little Cosette’s whimpy, tinny rendition of “Castle on a Cloud.”

But I did miss Javert’s “Stars” and I certainly missed the priest’s little song at the beginning when he gives Valjean the candlesticks (“But my friend, you left so early. Surely something slipped your mind. You forgot, I gave these also. Would you leave the best behind?”) I get chills every time he tells him his soul has been bought for God. CHILLS.

Whether you’re a fan of the musical or not, check this one out. It’s one of the coolest stories I’ve ever heard, and it’s magnificently told in this film.

FINAL GRADE: A+

Off in search of Valjean,

M.

Day Fifty-Six: Sunshine Cleaning

2010-02-25T07:48:00.000-08:00

SUNSHINE CLEANING

Starring:
-Amy Adams
-Emily Blunt
-Alan Arkin

Directed by: Christine Jeffs

Screenplay Credits: Megan Holley

MPAA Rating: R – language, disturbing images, some sexuality and drug use

Rose Lorkowski and her slacker sister Norah have stumbled into the crime scene clean-up business. Rose needs money to get her “imaginative” son Oscar into a better school and Norah’s just kind of a loser who’s out of a job.

Rose befriends a one-armed model maker who runs a cleaning supplies store, and she’s having an affair with her old high school sweetheart who is now married to a real b with a witch on it.

The movie follows the sisters’ exploits as they struggle to make their business a success. It doesn’t turn out too well, as Norah manages to burn one of their client’s homes down. It’s not all bad, because she saves a cute kitten. So yay! But anyway, Rose is pretty ticked off because now she owes like 40,000 bucks. In the end, Norah and her new kitty go off on a road trip to find themselves and Rose gets back into the clean-up scene, only this time she’s got a new name and a new partner…her eccentric salesman father (Alan Arkin).

Amy Adams is just as cute as a speckled puppy and when it’s time for her big meltdown scene toward the end she really breaks your heart. You feel bad for this adorable woman with the toned body and volumized hair.

I love Steve Zahn, but in this movie he plays a dog. A mean a real dirty old egg-sucking hound. Not an actual dog, you know. But like, a really immoral man.

Anyhow, this one has its merits and I guess I like it okay, but it isn’t one of my new favorites. I love the device with the mother and her bit part in a made for TV movie. That was a really cool element. Oscar got on my nerves a little bit, but that’s just because I don’t like it when parents can’t control their kids in public. It is for the same reason that I have never seen that John Ritter movie about the bad kid they adopt. I’m telling you, if I ever had a kid that like, the only thing they’d have in their bedroom was a mattress and a Bible. But that’s a rant for another day.

What was that movie called, anyway? PROBLEM CHILD? I know it was something like that. Justin, you’ll probably know.

FINAL GRADE: B-

Off in search of fancy corn,

M.

Day Fifty-Five: The Muppet Movie

2010-02-25T07:47:00.000-08:00

THE MUPPET MOVIE

Starring:
-Jim Henson
-Frank Oz
-Charles Durning
-The Muppet Company

Directed by: James Frawley

Screenplay Credits: Jerry Juhl & Jack Burns

MPAA Rating: G

Kermit the Frog is a nobody, minding his own business and playing his banjo in his little swamp with a big shot Hollywood agent (Dom DeLuise) paddles by in a rowboat. The agent tells Kermit about the upcoming Hollywood auditions for frogs hoping to be rich and famous. At first, Kermit tells the man that he’s fine staying in his swamp, but the more he thinks about making millions and millions of people happy, he realizes that going to Hollywood is his dream.

Kermit packs up, hops on his bicycle, and says goodbye to his swamp. Along the way he meets up with Fozzie Bear (wacka, wacka, wacka!) Camilla the Hen, Gonzo the Whatever, Miss Piggy, Sweetums, Beaker and Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem, and an all-star cast of human entertainers including but not limited to Bob Hope, Milton Berle, James Coburn, Madeleine Kahn, Cloris Leachman, Carol Kane, Mel Brooks, Steve Martin, Richard Pryor, Telly Savalas, Orson Welles, and many others.

As they head toward Hollywood they are pursued by the evil Doc Hooper, the owner of a fried frog legs restaurant who has hopes of expanding his business into a fast food chain. Hopper is obsessed with Kermit, the singing, dancing, banjo-playing amphibian, and wants him to be the face of the frog legs franchise (say that five times fast).

Kermit repeatedly refuses the man, which angers him greatly. This all comes to a head in an old western ghost town where Animal (An-i-mal! An-i-mal!) saves the day. The Muppets arrive in Hollywood and are given the standard issue “rich and famous” Hollywood contract.

This movie is a celebration of the Muppets and all things Henson. The Muppets have always meant a great deal to me, plus they’re a lot cooler than all those Sesame Street hooligans. And while the Street Crew has seen countless changes with time, the Muppet Show Company is still standing, just as it did over fifty years ago.

And they’ve made millions, and millions, and MILLIONS of people happy.

FINAL GRADE: A

Off in search of the rainbow connection,

M.

Day Fifty-Four: Stage Beauty

2010-02-24T11:04:00.001-08:00

STAGE BEAUTY

Starring:
-Billy Crudup
-Claire Danes
-Rupert Everett

Directed by: Richard Eyre

Screenplay Credits: Jeffrey Hatcher

MPAA Rating: R – sexual content and language

Claire Danes plays a female theatre dresser who longs to be onstage. During this time, however, women are forbidden to perform. The general view back then was that the scandalous scenes and stories portrayed onstage would damage a sensitive female’s psyche far beyond repair. Know why this was the general view? Because MEN ARE STUPID.

Stupider still, all female roles in those days were played by men. This movie is about one such actor. The premise is really neat here: what happens to these female impersonators when women are finally allowed to take the stage?

Years of training in the art of acting like a woman have confused poor Billy Crudup’s character to the point where he no longer knows who he is, or what gender he’s attracted to…

The movie builds to a dramatic, powerful rendition of Desdemona’s murder from OTHELLO, with Danes played Desdemona and Crudup (who used to play Desdemona) as Othello. This is an incredible scene anyway, but its passion is even more intense when in the hands of two dedicated actors.

I would eagerly recommend this gender bending theatre tale to anyone interested in the time period, theatre history, seeing the guy who played Uncle Vernon in that random Harry Potter movie play a flaming fop, or watching Billy Crudup kiss other men.

FINAL GRADE: A

Off in search of the handkerchief I so loved,

M.

Day Fifty-Three: Black Dynamite

2010-02-24T10:45:00.000-08:00

BLACK DYNAMITE

Starring:
-Michael Jai White
-Tommy Davidson
-Arsenio Hall
-Nicole Sullivan (as Patricia Nixon)
-James McManus (as Tricky Dick Nixon)

Directed by: Scott Sanders

Screenplay Credits: Michael Jai White, Byron Minns, & Scott Sanders

MPAA Rating: R

Kung Fu. Outlandish clothes. Cool cars. Hookers. Ill-timed explosions. Women in various stages of undress. Numchucks. Grainy film quality. Man heels. Bead curtains. Starsky & Hutch/porn music. Wood paneling. Leather jackets. Shaky camerawork. Strange line delivery. Bloopers. Rhymes. Seriously, there is so much rhyming in this film you’ll think you’re trapped in some ghetto Dr Seuss time warp.

If you aren’t thinking about a certain infamous disco decade, there is either something wrong with you or you have not lived.

If you watch this movie, you would swear you were seeing one of the original blaxploitation blockbusters. I hate to constantly remind myself that this is a new release; it’s that good. Some dialogue is corny and poorly delivered. Other lines are so perfect you’ll be scrambling to write them down and desperate for an excuse to slip them into everyday conversation. I give you my word, BLACK DYNAMITE is totally on the level.

Also, Michael Jai White’s body is, in a word, beautiful. And you’ll have plenty of time to gawk at it when he’s standing around in his shorts. I just felt the need to pay a small tribute to his rippling pectorals.

BLACK DYNAMITE is afro-tastic! Can you dig it?

FINAL GRADE: A-

Off in search of DYN-O-MITE! DYN-O-MITE!,

M.

Day Fifty-Two: The Invention of Lying

2010-02-21T13:22:00.000-08:00

THE INVENTION OF LYING

Starring:
-Ricky Gervais
-Jennifer Garner
-Rob Lowe

Written and Directed by: Ricky Gervais & Matthew Robinson

MPAA Rating: PG-13

This is a neat little movie (especially if viewed with the knowledge that Gervais is a confirmed atheist) that has some very funny (truthful!) moments and overall, a good message.

Ricky Gervaise plays Mark Bellison, a screenwriter who lives in a parallel universe where all speak the truth and nothing but the truth, so help them Man in the Sky.

This movie manages to make its points without forcing them down your throat, or being overly preachy, which is a definite plus in my book. It is certainly laced with social commentary, but it’s done nicely. There is subtlety here, despite the fact that the characters are always blatantly, at times embarrassingly honest.

There are lots of good things happening in this movie, but my favorite is the romance between Mark and Anna (Garner). Anna knows that Mark is funny, sweet, gentle, and her best friend. She freely admits to loving him, but cannot bring herself to allow a romantic relationship between them for fear of having chubby kids with snub noses.

In the end, of course, Mark teaches her how to see a person’s inner beauty, and she discovers that those fat, snub-nosed children are exactly what she wants (a revelation that causes Mark to quip, “I’m your man!”).

It’s my understanding that this film marks Gervais’ directorial debut, and he certainly has reason to be proud. He somehow managed to assemble a great concept, clever writing, and a truly awesome cast. Look for cameos and bit parts from the likes of Jonah Hill, Tina Fey, Jeffrey Tambor, and Jason Bateman.

One thing I thought was especially neat was how no one used the word “truth” or “true”. Those words did not exist in this world. How could they? If no one (but Mark) can lie, then all must be truth, eliminating the nees for those particular vocab words. Nifty, eh?

FINAL GRADE: A-

Off in search of falsehood,

M.

Day Fifty-One: The Gamer

2010-02-21T13:09:00.001-08:00

THE GAMER

Starring:
-Gerard Butler
-Michael C. Hall
-John Leguizamo

Directed by: Mark Leveldine & Brian Taylor

Screenplay Credits: Mark Leveldine & Brian Taylor

MPAA Rating: R

I hate this movie with a passion I can only describe as religious. John Leguizamo, you are too good for this. Gerard Butler, call me. First of all, let me say that I hate just about any movie that pushes its political agenda on you, and that’s pretty much all this film wants to do.

Moving on, this is a pathetic excuse for a movie with no real story and horrendous dialogue. Not that there is much dialogue in the first place. Mostly there’s running and shooting and things exploding…both body parts and trucks. Gerard Butler is still a mighty fine looking manbeast with maybe the most beautiful back I’ve ever seen.

This movie is so horrible that I’m at a loss for words. The only thing I liked at all is the big “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” musical number near the end. Michael C. has rhythm. This cannot be denied.

The premise sounds kind of cool. Gerard plays Kable in a military style battle simulator game where players control live humans. Sadly, the execution doesn’t even come close to working. It’s gross and horrible and I hope I never have to see this disjointed, incredibly boring film (and its odd, extreme close ups) again as long as I live.

Seriously, Gerard. Call me.

FINAL GRADE: F

Hate, hate, hate it.

Off in search of something more worth my time,

M.

Day Fifty: Jurassic Park

2010-02-21T12:51:00.000-08:00

Jurassic Park

Starring:
-Sam Neill
-Laura Dern
-Jeff Goldblum
-Richard Attenborough

Directed by: Steven Spielberg

Screenplay Credits: Michael Crichton & David Koepp

MPAA Rating: PG-13 for intense science fiction terror

The basic gist of this movie is, there’s a Scottish Colonel Sanders looking fellow who’s got a fancy walking stick and more money than brains. He’s built Jurassic Park and he’s brought in some dinosaur experts, a lawyer and, inexplicably, his grandchildren to sign off on the safety of the park. Everybody arrives and they go on a tour and before you know it, NEWMAN has screwed everything up and the lawyer dies on the toilet. Whatta way to go.

Here’s something I have a problem with: why is the main power switch thing located aaaaaaaall the way on the other side of the compound? Why can’t everything be centrally located in the command center? Why do we have to depend on 10,000 volt electric fences? Surely the power’s gonna blink every once in a blue moon, did nobody think of that? I can’t even count the times my alarm clock has failed to wake me for an early class because of one of those darn power blinks. And sure, they only last a second, but one second is all a hungry velociraptor needs, people!

Several things in the movie set this one up for a sequel. First of all, NEWMAN!’s Barbasol can with all the DNA info was buried in a mudslide while that meatosaurus chowed down on his portly hide. Secondly, John Hammond’s walking cane with the amber mosquito made it out on the chopper with them, and finally, they left the island there without destroying the dinosaurs. Can you imagine if that was the island that Gilligan got shipwrecked on? Or how about the randomly selected location of the next season of Survivor? Those immunity challenges just got a lot tougher. If you lose and go to Tribal Council, they don’t send you packing… they feed you to the T-Rex. Just sit back and watch those ratings soar.

FINAL GRADE: B+

Off in search of the main power switch,

M.

Day Forty-Nine: An American Werewolf in Paris

2010-02-21T12:50:00.000-08:00

AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN PARIS

Starring:
-Tom Everett Scott
-Julie Delpy
-Vince Vieluf
-Phil Buckman
-Julie Bowen

Directed by: Anthony Waller

Screenplay Credits: Tim Burns & Tom Stern & Anthony Waller

MPAA Rating: R – werewolf violence/gore and for some sexuality/nudity

The only other time I have ever seen this movie was when my friend Miranda showed it to me. We were in sixth grade, and I remember thinking it was the worst movie I have ever seen. Yet, I also recall being oddly fascinated. Perhaps this was because I had not yet been indoctrinated into the world of crazy slasher thrillers, or maybe it was because I had taste.

These three idiot college dudes are on their “daredevil tour” of Europe. They break into the Eiffel tour after hours and climb all the way to the top. Here, Andy (Scott) decides to tie a rope around his ankle and do a little base-jumping. They hear a noise and it’s a beautiful woman who has come to kill herself. Andy saves her, she runs off, and he has to track her down. He learns that she’s mysterious, possesses great strength, and oh yeah, she’s a werewolf.

She doesn’t come out and say it, but they kind of figure it out when she and all her friends turn into werewolves and start eating people.

One of Andy’s friends discovers an amputee werewolf chained up in Seraphine’s cellar, and the other one gets his throat ripped out in the sewer.

Andy wakes up in fresh linens and a nicely decorated room. He’s in Seraphine’s house, and she’s in the kitchen making a blood smoothie. Here’s the Reader’s Digest Version: Andy is a werewolf now. He kills a couple of people and he has to make amends for this or their spirits will be doomed to walk the earth as the undead for all eternity. Bummer, right? With Seraphine’s help, he takes down the evil werewolves, then the two of them become human again, get married, and base-jump off the Statue of Liberty’s torch.

The dialogue is…not great. In some scenes it can only be described as awesomely bad. The concept, however, is not terrible. I liked all the interactions with the gruesomely made up undead people and would have enjoyed more. Of course, I probably just enjoyed them because they looked like zombies.

You can certainly tell that this film was written by men because of the gross-out humor and the boobs. Still, it could have been a lot worse. It was wacky and unusual and it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen, so I’m giving it a strong C. This would be a good movie for a rainy day when you want to curl up, waste a little time, and listen to people scream.

FINAL GRADE: C

Off in search of my lycanthropic cycle,

M.

Day Forty-Eight: Double Jeopardy

2010-02-21T12:49:00.000-08:00

DOUBLE JEOPARDY

Starring:
-Ashley Judd
-Tommy Lee Jones
-Bruce Greenwood

Directed by: Bruce Beresford

Screenplay Credits: David Weisberg & Douglas S. Cook

MPAA Rating: R - a scene of sexuality and some violence

If your husband makes a grand romantic gesture, sacrificing his desires to make you happy for the weened, be wary. He's probably looking to frame you for his murder. This is what happens to poor Ashley Judd in this movie. She wakes up alone on the boat, covered in blood and holding a knife. Naturally, she's arrested for her husband's murder. She goes to trial and says, "You have to believe me!" for about twenty minutes.

For a while, Ashley's young son Matty and his new caretaker Angela Green are coming to visit her, but they mysteriously disappear. Ashley's tough prison friends encourage her to track them down. She learns that her friend has moved to San Francisco and she begins to suspect that her panty-waste husband Nick is still alive.

A prison pal tells her about double jeopardy, so Ashley starts working out like crazy, cause one day she's gonna hunt him down like a dog in the woods and kill his ass.

"I gotta hand it to ya honey...it's just sheer hate drivin' you on!" - Prison Bitch

Six years go by and Ashley gets paroled. She's sent to Tommy Lee Jones' halfway house and starts hunting her son. She breaks into his former school to find that cretin Angela's new address. She's caught and picked up by Tommy. Since she's violated her parole, he's carting her back to jail to serve the rest of her sentence.

"Did you have a nice day at the beach?" - Tommy Lee

Ashley manages to break away from him. She visits her mama, who hands over a huge wad of cash and lends her a truck to find Matty. Ashley learns that Angela died in an "accident" and that her slimy husband and cute kid survived. You got yours, Angela.

Meanwhile, Tommy Lee is behind our heroine every step of the way. She figures out how to track her husband via his love for Wassily Kandinksy paintings, finding a New Orleans address for Jonathan Deveraux. Tommy catches up with her, so she totals his car before eluding him again.

Ashley hops a flight to Nawlins where she discovers her husband's participation in a bachelor auction. She gets some fancy new clothes in a scene that's an obvious shout-out to Pretty Woman Julia Roberts and goes to bid on Nick/Jonathan. Obviously, she is the winning bidder, and boy is he surprised. He tries to sweet talk her, but she's not taking any of his guff. Tommy Lee gets to Nick and warns him that Ashley's coming. Nick tricks Ashley into meeting him in a cemetery. He knocks her out and stuffs her in a vault. She wakes up, shoots her way out of the coffin, and is intercepting by Tommy Lee. The good news is, Tommy believes her now and helps her get a confession out of Nick. Nick starts shooting and pegs Tommy Lee, and finally, finally, FINALLY Ashley gets to shoot the crap out of her loser husband. She gets a full pardon and, most importantly, her son back.

This is a fairly good thriller. It's certainly satisfying in that the main character is vindicated and all the bad guys are brought to the ultimate justice. There will be no slipping though the cracks thanks to shady lawyers for Angela and Nick, as both are deader than dead. I'm not a huge supporter of Ms. Judd, but I did enjoy her performance in this film. Although I must admit to frequently being distracted by her cute little pixie ears.

FINAL GRADE: B+

Off in search of Alex Trebek,

M.

Day Forty-Seven: Zombieland

2010-02-21T12:48:00.000-08:00

ZOMBIELAND

Starring:
-Woody Harrelson
-Jesse
-Emma Stone
-Abigail Breslin

Directed by: Ruben Fleischer

Screenplay Credits: Rhett Reese & Paul Wernick

MPAA Rating: R

I’m gonna lay it all out there for you. When it comes to zombie movies, I can be hard to please. I am a Romero girl through and through, but even a couple of his left me as cold and emotionless as Bud the zombie (DIARY OF THE DEAD, I’m looking at you).

First of it all, zombies are not fast. They do not run. I’m sorry, those are the rules. That’s just the way it is. Zombies are rotting corpses. They cannot run, they only stagger.

Moving on…

I was a big SHAUN OF THE DEAD fan when it was released, and had heard reports that ZOMBIELAND was even better. My expectations weren’t that high going in, but less than five minutes after the film began, one single, beautiful thought kept running through my head… I LOVE THIS MOVIE.

Columbus and Tallahassee are both survivors in a world that has been overrun with zombies. The movie explains that this is more of a virus that has affected the population, instead of the traditional zombie outbreak. Because of this, the zombies are able to move faster, climb, and accomplish minor problem solving. Also, people who die don’t become zombies unless they have been bitten.

I have to tell you, I can’t keep it in any longer. Bill Murray is in this movie. The Zombie survivors crash at his California mansion, and they smoke pot and play Ghostbusters. It’s awesome. I’m telling you, it makes me want to be a better person. I can’t say anymore, because I don’t want to deny you of the joy that is watching this movie.

At one point, I was afraid that they were going to kill Tallahassee so he could go down in a blaze of glory. Thankfully, they did not. After seeing this movie, I have gained much respect for Abigail Breslin, not to mention my new admiration for Woody Harrelson.

The dialogue is amazing; every single joke is there and solid. Not to mention the fact that there is some hardcore zombie killing action. The cast works together outstandingly well. Even more than all the tendon chewing, I love the film’s message. The point is, you don’t have to get married and babies to have a family. Your family can be whoever you need them to be.

BILL MURRAY! WOO!

FINAL GRADE: A+

Off in search of a Twinkie,

M.

Day Forty-Six: The Addams' Family Values

2010-02-17T10:34:00.000-08:00

THE ADDAMS’ FAMILY VALUES

Starring:
-Anjelica Huston
-Raul Julia
-Christopher Lloyd
-Joan Cusack
-Christina Ricci

Directed by: Barry Sonnenfeld

Screenplay Credits: Paul Rudnick

MPAA Rating: PG-13

In an attempt to keep Pugsley and Wednesday from killing the new baby, Morticia and Gomez hire a beautiful new nanny, Debbie (Cusack). Wednesday’s no fool and thinks something’s amiss with Debbie. Since Wednesday is clearly on to her, Debbie convinces Morticia and Gomez that the kids want to go to summer camp. The camp counselors are none other than Christine Baranski and that annoying guy who stole Sigourney Weaver’s baby in Ghostbusters II. Another camper is that adorable little Jewish kid whose name escapes me. He and Wednesday are instantly attracted.

Back at home, Debbie is caring for young baby Pubert (I know, right?) and attempting to woo Uncle Fester. We learn that she is a dangerous criminal known only as The Black Widow. She marries wealthy men and murders them on their wedding night and poor Fester is her next victim. They quickly become engaged. Wednesday gets the news at camp, freaks, and tries to escape. The counselors catch them and sing Kumbaya at them.

Wednesday brings little Jewish Joel with her to the wedding. Debbie is an evil vision in white, but she’s clearly put off by Cousin Itt, who serves as minister for the affair. Wednesday catches the bouquet and Debbie and Fester go on to the honeymoon. Eventually, Debbie gives up on trying to kill him since everything she tries fails.

Back at camp, the counselors manage to break the outcasts spirits by cruel subjection to THE SOUND OF MUSIC, THE BRADY BUNCH, and ANNIE. When they finally emerge the happy hut, Wednesday smiles. She goes on to ruin the counselors’ big Thanksgiving themed pageant. She and Pugsley escape to save Fester from Debbie.

Debbie straps the family into electric chairs to show them a slideshow of all her previous murders. Baby Pubert saws his way out of his crib and comes to rescue the family. Debbie winds up getting electrocuted. Sad day, but happy ending.

I think I like this one better than the first. There were a lot more celebrity cameos, and the storyline is just better. Carol Kane plays the Granny this time, but she’s only recognizable by her voice. It would be interesting to see Pubert’s personality as he grows, but I have a feeling he would turn out like Wednesday and be a mastermind. Poor Pugsley is kind of a dull lump of dough. Still, you have to give him props for surviving all of Wednesday’s attempts to kill him.

Fun fact: Tony Shaloub plays Jorge the sailor and young Cynthia Nixon is an environmentalist nanny.

FINAL GRADE: B+

Off in search of mon cher,

M.

Day Forty-Five: The Addams Family

2010-02-17T10:33:00.002-08:00

THE ADDAMS FAMILY

Starring:
-Anjelica Huston
-Christopher Lloyd
-Raul Julia
-Christina Ricci

Directed by: Barry Sonnenfeld

Screenplay Credits: Caroline Thompson & Larry Wilson

MPAA Rating: PG-13

The Addams’ family lawyer, Tully, needs money desperately. He decides that stealing from the Addams would be easy as pie, especially if he enlists a creepy woman and her strange son Gordon. Gordon poses as Uncle Fester, who has been missing for 25 years. He rejoins the family with a story about being discovered with amnesia in the Bermuda Triangle. He moves in, all the while plotting to discover the location of the family vault, rob them blind, and possibly kill them.

The family becomes suspicious and eventually even Gomez becomes convinces that Fester’s a phony. Gordon’s mom, posing as a German doctor, assures them that all is well and that the family is just having a little difficulty readjusting to one another. In reality, phony Fester has grown to love spending time with the creepy, kooky, mysterious, and spooky bunch. He especially enjoys the kids, Wednesday and Pugsley, and he teaches them all sorts of useful things, like how to blow up buildings and identify the many different varieties of scabs.

Dr. German tells the family that Fester must go back to the life he made for himself in the Bermuda Triangle, but Morticia and Gomez insist on throwing him a goodbye party with all the Addams clan. Imagine a Tim Burton family reunion.

As Gordon and his Mom prepare for the party, Wednesday walks in on them plotting the heist. They chase her into the graveyard, where she hides. “Fester” returns to the party where Gomez springs yet another “family tradition” on him. Fester handles this surprisingly well and dances the strange dance exactly as he’s supposed to. The family realizes that Wednesday is missing and Gomez finds her asleep in the family tomb.

Under his mother’s iron thumb, “Fester” becomes the executor of the estate and all the finances, which forces Gomez and the rest of the family into a cheap motel. They’re all forced to get “real jobs”, a task that ends with disastrous results. Morticia decides to take action and heads back to the mansion to confront Fester. She is captured by Gordon, his mom, and Tully. They put her on a rack to torture her, but naturally she enjoys it.

Thing braves busy traffic to find Gomez and tell him Morticia’s in trouble. Gomez rushes to her aid, but in the end it’s Fester who saves the day by literally blowing the bad guys into their graves.

Seven months later we learn that “Gordon” really is Uncle Fester, and that the creepy criminal woman really did find him tangled in a coral reef in the Bermuda Triangle. Strange.

Morticia tells Gomez she’s expecting a three-legged baby and they kiss dramatically while the rest of the family plays in the graveyard.

I like this movie. It’s not the greatest thing since sliced bread, but it is what it is. Everything is dark and cartoonish, which is as it should be. Raul Julia has Gomez’s wide-eyed earnestness down perfectly, and I love how Morticia was always standing in that same creepy, yet flattering light.

There are many, many allusions to the original television show, which is the appropriate thing to do when paying homage to TV characters. Just about every Addams quirk you can think of has been either represented or mentioned here: Gomez’s trains, Granny’s creepy recipes, Morticia snipping the heads off roses, Wednesday and Pugsley’s gruesome toys and games, and especially the epic and passionate love story of Gomez & Tish. One thing I have always loved about Gomez and Morticia is that they are all over each other, all the time. They are the ultimate horndogs. But they’re married, so it’s okay.

Gomez: Tish, how long has it been since we waltzed?
Morticia: Oh, Gomez….hours.

To me, the storyline is pretty much irrelevant because I simply enjoyed spending time in the Addams family world again. The actors may have changed, but the characters haven’t and I love them for it.

FINAL GRADE: B-

Off in search of a broomstick I can crawl on,

M.

Day Forty-Four: House of Wax

2010-02-17T10:33:00.001-08:00

Coming soon!

FOR RENT

Day Forty-Three: Night at the Museum

2010-02-17T10:32:00.001-08:00

NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM

Starring:
-Ben Stiller
-Robin Williams
-Dick van Dyke
-Mickey Rooney

Directed by: Shawn Levy

Screenplay Credits: Thomas Lennon & Robert Ben Garant

MPAA Rating: PG – mild action, language, and brief rude humor

I have no idea how many times I saw this movie when it first came out, but I do remember going to the cinema numerous times. Each time I took a different set of friends, and each time the results were the same: this movie rocks.

Ben Stiller plays Larry, a divorced dad whose life is going nowhere. He’s almost lost everything, and is forced to take a job as night watchman at New York’s Museum of Natural History. The museum is replacing their three old dude security guys (Rooney, van Dyke, and Bill Cobbs) with one man to save money.

Larry accepts his uniform, keys, flashlight, and a worn, dog-eared manual on running the place. He walks around, checks things out, and falls asleep. When he wakes up, all the exhibits start coming to life. I know! It’s awesome!

The T-Rex is my favorite because he’s like a big, slobbery puppy. He’s very playful and affectionate, and making him that way was a very smart move by the screenwriters. There are a couple of love stories going on, one between Sacajawea and Teddy Roosevelt, another between Larry and one of the museum tour guide people.

In the end, Larry figures out that everything comes to life because of a magical tablet that belonged to a young Egyptian pharaoh. The tablet not only brings all the exhibits to life, it made the three old security coots feel young again. I tell you friends; you have not lived until you have seen Mickey Rooney execute a pile driver on Ben Stiller.

One reason I praise this movie so highly is because it makes excellent use of two of our most talented, incredible living legends, Dick van Dyke and Mickey Rooney. It was so good to see them working on something like this, especially in “bad guy” roles that neither of them have had much experience playing.

Now, you have to be able to appreciate fantasy and tolerate the obligatory kiddie stuff (Good lord, Lawrence! Why are you slapping a monkey?), but any imaginative person who loves asking “What if?” could easily be captivated by this clever story.

I only just realized that Attila the Hun is played by the same dude who does Ken Tanaka in GLEE! How cool is that?

FINAL GRADE: A+

Off in search of gum-gum,

M.

Day Forty-Two: The Jerk

2010-02-17T10:31:00.001-08:00

THE JERK

Starring:
-Steve Martin
-Bernadette Peters

Directed by: Carl Reiner

Screenplay Credits: Steve Martin, Carl Gottlieb & Michael Elias

MPAA Rating: R

The tagline of this movie is" From rags to riches...to rags." That sort of sums up the main plotline, but doesn't do this movie justice.

Navin R. Johnson was born a poor black child. It was never easy for him, as he grew up singing and dancing in a small shack with his big black family in Mississippi. One birthday, Navin learns that he was adopted (YOU MEAN I'M GONNA STAY THIS COLOR?!?!), and that Lawrence Welk-style music rocks his world. Once he finally discovers his rhythm, Navin has the courage to set out and become somebody.

Navin heads to St. Louis where he gets a job at a gas station. One day (after inventing a little glasses handle for one customer), a random sniper tries to kill him, Navin runs away and joins the circus, discovers his special purpose, meets a nice girl, makes his fortune, gets married, loses his fortune, and winds up a bum.

Of course, there is a surprise ending and Navin is redeemed. He and Marie return to Mississippi to dance with the family and they all live happily ever after.

This film has become sort of a cult classic since its release in 1979, and with good reason. The story is unpredictable and hilarious, the performances are fantastic, and the overall message is that it's okay to be stupid as long as you're nice about it. Navin is a moron, but he's a good guy who keeps his word and wants other people to be happy. We need more Navins in this world, and we certainly need more thermoses.

FINAL GRADE: A+

Off in search of a little boy wearing a tee shirt that says "BULL SHIT" on it,

M.

Slippery when wet!

Day Forty-One: People Will Talk

2010-02-15T11:56:00.001-08:00

PEOPLE WILL TALK

Starring:
-Cary Grant
-Jeanne Crane

Directed by: Joseph L. Mankiewicz

Screenplay Credits: Joseph L. Mankiewicz

MPAA Rating: Unrated

Dr. Noah Praetorius teaches at a medical college and is a patient favorite at his private clinic. Dr. P is known for treating his patients like people, instead of “sick people.” He’s got a couple of big fish on his plate, as he’s being charged with professional misconduct by his suspicious colleague Dr. Elwell, and he’s playing house with a knocked up single gal named Deborah whose papa won’t preach but she’s keeping her baby.

“Professor Elwell, you are the only man I know who can say 'malignant' the way other people say 'Bingo!'.” – Dr. P

There’s also a creepy, almost mute guy named Shunderson who looks like Jimmy Durante except way taller. Anyway, Noah marries Deborah because she keeps trying to kill herself. He claims he’s in love with her, and I guess he is, but he probably just wants to keep her from shooting herself.

There’s a great scene after they’ve married where Dr. P is celebrating his birthday with an enormous train set that spans the entire second story floor.

In the end, Dr. P tells his side of the story to the Medical College Board, they side with him, and Dr. Elwell runs off in a huff.

“Professor Elwell, you're a little man. It's not that you're short. You're...little, in the mind and in the heart. Tonight, you tried to make a man little whose boots you couldn't touch if you stood on tiptoe on top of the highest mountain in the world. And as it turned out...you're even littler than you were before.” -Shunderson

The lesson I take away from this movie is this: Since I am a young college student, if I allow a handsome, ill-fated soldier to impregnate me, Cary Grant will become my husband. This sounds like a win-win for everybody except the soldier. At least he would be guaranteed a good time before checking out. Oh, I am so bad.

Anyway, this is a great (albeit totally unrealistic) movie. Every time I watch it I fantasize about punching Jeanne Crane in the face and running off to play doctor (or at the very least, trains) with Cary Grant. Sadly, my unrequited love affair with Cary will remain exactly that, unless he magically appears in my bedroom tonight as an Incubus spirit. Hey, now! There’s a thought!

FINAL GRADE: A

Off in search of an EMF detector,

M.

Day Forty: 40 Years of Sesame Street

2010-02-12T07:15:00.000-08:00

40 YEARS OF SESAME STREET

When I saw this collection at the store, I knew I had to own it. No, not because I like to sit around Saturday morning eating cereal and watching musical puppet shows, but because I want my future offspring to be able to watch some of the same fine public television I experienced when I was a squirt.

This collection has much of what you’d expect, starting off with the first two decades of the show on Disc 1, with the more current sketches on Disc 2. I have to be honest here; Disc 1 is really the only reason to concern yourself with this set. That’s where all the good stuff is. Remember the King of Eight? How about SuperGrover? Or what about James Taylor singing “Jelly Man Kelly” with a pack of screaming ankle biters?

You’ll see cameos from all sorts of people like Madeleine Kahn, Jeremy Irons, Danny DeVito, Rhea Perlman, and Alicia Keys, not to mention all the Sesame Street standards, like Maria and Luis’ wedding or the “Hey kids, Mr. Hooper died!” episode.

My personal favorites are Bert and Ernie going fishing (Heeeeeeeeeeeere, FISHY FISHY FISHY FISHY FISHY FISHY!), and Kermit singing the African Alphabet song. These are happy childhood memories we’re talking about here. The only thing better than a walk down memory lane with the citizens of Sesame Street is an evening with Miss Piggy and her Muppet Show comrades.

Hmm, now I’m really in the mood for some bacon.

Off in search of The Pig and Her Frog,

M.

Day Thirty-Nine: Dracula Dead and Loving It

2010-02-12T07:14:00.000-08:00

DRACULA DEAD AND LOVING IT

Starring:
-Leslie Nielsen
-Mel Brooks
-Steven Weber
-Harvey Korman

Directed by: Mel Brooks

Screenplay Credits: Mel Brooks, Rudy De Luca & Steve Haberman

MPAA Rating: PG-13 - for comedic sensuality and gore

I adore Mel Brooks. I met him once in New York and made him laugh, which is one of the crowning moments in my short life to date. I normally neglect to mention that after I met him, I cried for twenty minutes. Such is the extent of my devotion to that teeny little man.

When you strip this one down to the bare bones, it isn’t too different than Bram Stoker’s DRACULA. Mel stars as Van Helsing, a vampire hunter who is hot on the trail of Count Dracula (Nielsen). Dracula is, as usual, hot on the trail of two emaciated looking women. Here’s my beef with Dracula. You’d think he’d go for the big healthy looking girls. Surely their blood would be richer and more satisfying than some stick thin hussy’s. I’m not knocking his choice for eternal bride, though. If you’ve got to spend it with somebody then John Ritter’s widow is probably a pretty safe bet. That chick’s pretty funny, and she’d have to be cool in order to snag John (RIP Jack).

My favorite scene in this movie is the big dance number near the end. This is when Val Helsing and his buddies are pretty sure Dracula is the vamp and they’re just trying to prove it. Everybody’s at a ball and Dracula is dancing with Mina (or is it Lucy? No, I think it’s Mina. Who names their kid Mina?) so they set up a giant mirror in front of the dance floor. Dracula and Mina are doing all these complicated dance moves and everybody’s oohing and aahing, but then they notice that Dracula has no reflection and that freaks them out a little.

This is strange, but I really liked how they would turn Dracula into a bat. He would have a bat body, but he still had Leslie Nielsen’s little head. How cute is that?

Despite my love for Mel, I can’t say that this film is one of his best. It has definite elements of a zany, silly Brooks comedy, but it can’t compete with heavy hitters like YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN or BLAZING SADDLES.

I think my favorite line from this movie belonged to Harvey Korman, just because it was so ridiculous: “Yes, we have Nosferatu! We have Nosferatu today!”

FINAL GRADE: C+

Off in search of a garlic necklace,

M.

Day Thirty-Eight : Animal House

2010-02-12T07:13:00.000-08:00

ANIMAL HOUSE

Starring:
-John Belushi
-Peter Reigert
-Karen Allen
-Donald Sutherland

Directed by: John Landis

Screenplay Credits: Harold Ramis, Douglas Kennedy & Chris Miller

MPAA Rating: R – this movie has even more boobs than Congress

“Thank you, sir! May I have another?”

“A pledge pin! On your uniform?!?!?!”

“Can I just massage your thighs while you eat?”

“God knows how they’ve molested women…”

“TOGA! TOGA!”

“It’s not gonna be an orgy…it’s a toga party.”

“My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.”

If saying any of the above, sawing up a dead horse, watching college girls pillow fight, playing with your food, or screwing around with the dean’s wife holds any appeal for you, then ANIMAL HOUSE is the film for you. My brethren, believe me when I say that this movie gives me chills. It is perfect in its perversion.

ANIMAL HOUSE is the story of the wildest fraternity in history. The Delta boys are on double-secret probation and Dean Wormer is trying every trick in the book to revoke their charter. Of course the Deltas prevail in the end, but not before causing sheer pandemonium at the homecoming parade.

If you’ve never seen this movie (and you have a sense of humor) stop whatever it is you are doing. I’m telling you, nothing except your eternal salvation or Catherine Zeta Jones in the nude is more important than seeing this movie as soon as humanly possible.

You know, I once dated a guy who reminded me so much of D-Day that it was creepy, but that’s a story for another day.

Off in search of ten thousand marbles,

M.

Day Thirty-Seven: The Rainmaker

2010-02-12T07:10:00.000-08:00

THE RAINMAKER

Starring:
-Matt Damon
-Claire Danes
-Danny DeVito
-Jon Voight

Written & Directed by: Francis Ford Coppola

MPAA Rating: PG-13 – for the crazy intense beating scene

Based on the John Grisham book of the same name, THE RAINMAKER (not to be confused with the 1956 Burt Lancaster, Katharine Hepburn film) is about young goody-two-shoes lawyer Rudy Baylor getting his start in the legal world. He winds up working for a cheap shyster named Bruiser Stone and becomes acquainted with Deck Shifflet, the occasionally unscrupulous, always smarmy paralegal who has failed the bar exam six times (played to perfection by the adorable Danny DeVito).

Stone’s a dirty lawyer and the FBI close him down, so Rudy and Deck go into business for themselves. Rudy passes the bar and stumbles into an insurance lawsuit where he must go up against slimy Leo Drummond (Jon Voight).

Rudy meets a pretty girl whose redneck husband beats her with a baseball bat (Danes) and since they’ve fallen in love, Rudy helps her kill the guy one night. They didn’t plan it, it was total self-defense, but Claire has him run off so she can take all the blame.

Long story made short, Rudy wins the trial, but the insurance company claims bankruptcy. They’re out of business, but they get out of paying the millions of dollars the jury awarded to the plaintiff. Lucky break, insurance creeps. So now Rudy’s this sought after lawyer, but he’s all bummed because he’s afraid he’s never going to be able to work his magic again. He and Claire Danes pretty much elope together, leaving poor Danny DeVito to his own devices, which I think is sad. They could have at least offered to take him along. He would be a hilarious sidekick, and his presence would heighten the likelihood of comedic hi-jinks in future sequels. Oh, well.

I like a good courtroom drama as well as the next girl, but to me, THE RAINMAKER falls flat. The resolution, while not totally unhappy, feels somewhat unsatisfying. I knew it wouldn’t be an Erin Brockovich type story where the multi-million dollar company was forced to shell out big bucks to a legion of those it harmed, but I at least expected the poor woman who lost her son to get something out of the deal. Plus she swore on the stand that any and all money she received as a result of winning the lawsuit would go straight to cancer research. This film is pre-Bourne and post-Good Will Hunting, so Matt Damon is all stick thin and young looking, so it definitely has that going for it. But it was just a little too hokey for me.

If you’re looking for a really spectacular courtroom drama, steer towards something more like Paul Newman’s THE VERDICT. There are more twists and surprises, and less gobbledygook. Once again, another weird word instantly recognized by my computer’s spell check feature. Life is so funny.

FINAL GRADE: C-

Off in search of a baseball bat,

M.

Day Thirty-Six: Knocked Up

2010-02-09T11:16:00.001-08:00

KNOCKED UP

Starring:
-Seth Rogan
-Katherine Heigel
-Paul Rudd

Written & Directed by: Judd Apatow

MPAA Rating: R

My buddy Kyle got me this movie for Christmas a couple of years ago. Just so he could tell people he got me knocked up. I never see Kyle any more. Wonder why…

According to this movie, we live in a world of shrewish women and bitter men. I guess this is somebody’s reality, but it isn’t mine. Anyway, the premise of this one is that a drunken fling leads to a relationship. Seth Rogan lives with his immature loser friends and Katherine whats-her-face (Allison) lives in her married sister’s guesthouse. Allison’s married sister has two cute kids and is married to Paul Rudd. Lucky.

Allison works for an entertainment television show where she has to sit around and listen to Ryan Seacrest rant all day. But, there is a light at the end of this tunnel because her boss is, drum roll please, ALAN TUDYK! WOO! Alan tells her she’s been promoted to on camera so Allison and her sister go to a skanky bar to celebrate.

Here Allison meets Ben. They flirt before going back to Allison’s little place to mack. Since this movie is called KNOCKED UP, I’m pretty sure you can figure out what happens.

Allison figures out that she’s pregnant and decides to keep it. She breaks the news to Ben, whom she never planned to see again, and they go get an ultrasound.

Ben and Allison break the news to their folks, and Ben’s dad is Harold Ramis, who may be one of the coolest people on the face of the planet.

Allison meets Ben’s loser friends and they start seeing each other. They buy baby books and cute little clothes and things and Ben starts hanging out with Allison’s family. Blah, blah, blah, their relationship grows, Allison gets found out at work, and Ben’s hopes and dreams are crushed by MrSkin.com.

They’re on, they’re off, Paul Rudd is playing fantasy baseball, Debbie yells at a black man, and there’s a hotel room in Vegas that has five different varieties of chairs.

Ben decides to grow up. He moves out of the crack den, gets a job, and stops sucking on his bong all the time. In the end, Ben’s the only one around when Allison has the kid and they get back together.

I get that this movie wanted to get at all the crazy relationship drama but is there something I’m missing? Does getting married turn a woman into a psycho controlling shrew? Similarly, do married men run off the Vegas and do mushrooms at the drop of a hat? I’m just not willing to believe that this movie is a fair representation of either sex.

One thing I hate is a labor scene in movies. I’m telling you ladies, all that screaming and yelling is not helping you. Don’t waste all your energy telling your husband how much you hate him. You’ll have plenty of time for that in the years to come.

By the way, did I mention that Alan Tudyk is in this movie?

FINAL GRADE: B

Off in search of my baby daddy,

M.

Day Thirty-Five: Blades of Glory

2010-02-09T11:15:00.001-08:00

BLADES OF GLORY

Starring:
-Will Ferrell
-Jon Heder
-Craig T. Nelson

Directed by: Josh Gordon & Will Speck

Screenplay Credits: Jeff Cox, Craig Cox, John Altschuler, & Dave Krinsky

MPAA Rating: PG-13 – for crude and sexual humor, language, a comic violent image, and some drug references

Jimmy MacElroy, one of many sexually ambiguous, galloping peacock figure skating champions has it all, a rich adoptive father, a crazy obsessed fan, a supportive coach (Nelson), and a catchy nickname (Skating’s Little Orphan Awesome). Sadly, he’s also tied for the gold medal with obnoxious bad boy skater Chazz Michael Michaels. Chazz has his own nickname (Sex on Ice) and an extraordinary amount of body hair.

We are also introduced to Stranz and Fairchild, (Will Arnett and Amy Poehler) the “brother and sister darlings” of the skating world who dominate the couples division.

Chazz and Jimmy are displeased about having to share the gold and they get into a little scuffle on the ice. This gets both of them banned from men’s figure skating by Mr. Fee-hee-heeny.

Jimmy’s rich dad is no longer interested in his career, so Jimmy finds himself promptly unadopted and on the side of the road.

Three and ½ years later, Chazz is a boozy skater in a children’s ice show. After hitting rock bottom and vomiting in his enormous wizard head, Chazz finds himself out of a job. Jimmy is feeling restless and working in a skate shop when his creepy stalker shows up with the official skating rulebook and informs him that he’s found a glorious little loophole. While Jimmy was banned from his division- men’s singles- he is still eligible to compete in pair skating. Look out, Stranz and Fairchild!

Jimmy asks his old coach to recommend a partner for him, but Coach advises Jimmy to give it up. Jimmy goes searching for a partner and bumps into Chazz. They get into a fight, which is covered by a local news team. Coach catches the fight on TV and sees that Jimmy and Chazz would be the perfect partners. They finally give in and sign up for nationals. This infuriates Stranz and Fairchild, who force their younger sister Katie to spy on Chazz and Jimmy.

Coach tells the guys that they’ll be doing everything together in preparation for the competition. He floods an icy warehouse to use as a practice area and the fellas start training.

At last they’re ready for competition and dressed as fire and ice. They dance to that creepy song by Aerosmith that reminds me of Nicholas Cage and Meg Ryan. It’s not a perfect routine, but they win the crowd over and receive rave reviews.

Chazz and Jimmy are friends now, hooray. But not all is well, because Stranz and Fairchild are out for blood and Coach wants the guys to try a controversial move that has never been successfully executed. Only one couple ever attempted the Iron Lotus and when they did, the woman was accidentally decapitated.

The guys practice, Jimmy and Katie fall in love, and Stranz chases Chazz with a crossbow. At last it’s time for the big competition in Montreal. S & F are JFK and Marilyn Monroe in a tacky number about forbidden love, and Jimmy and Chaz do a weird robot/Queen thing. Fairchild breaks her imitation pearls on the ice and Chazz breaks his ankle. The good news is, they land the Iron Lotus and everybody cheers. The Mounties show up to arrest Stranz and Fairchild, who kiss passionately. Jimmy and Chazz are given gold medals and they fly off into the sky together. It’s creepy.

Maybe I like this movie because I always wanted to be a figure skater when I was a kid. Don’t you judge me. It looks really fun. If you haven’t seen it, you aren’t missing too much. Will Ferrell plays pretty much the same character he plays in almost everything, and mercifully Jon Heder does absolutely nothing to remind me of Napoleon Dynamite.

I do love seeing Arnett and Poehler together. You can tell they have a great time together, and I bet their kid is really cute. I also liked that the filmmakers managed to get so many actual figure skaters to do cameos. And I would be remiss in my duties if I neglected to mention how wonderfully over the top and sparkly the spandex costumes are. That’s one thing that’s fun about watching professional skaters, all the crazy outfits. Some of them are straight up drag queen material (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

Final Grade: B-

Off in search of snow cones,

M.

Day Thirty-Four: Anchorman

2010-02-09T11:11:00.000-08:00

ANCHORMAN : The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Starring:
-Will Ferrell
-Christina Applegate
-Paul Rudd
-Steve Carell

Directed by: Adam McKay

Screenplay Credits: Will Ferrell & Adam McKay

MPAA Rating: PG-13 – for sexual humor, language, and comic violence

The tone of this movie is set rather nicely by a frame that reads, “The following is based on actual events. Only the names, locations and events have been changed.”

What a beautiful sentiment.

The first time I saw this movie I thought, ‘Eh, what’s the big deal?’ With this viewing I thought, ‘Gosh I love that ‘Afternoon Delight’ part, but other than that, eh, what’s the big deal?’

Yes, there are some very funny lines. And yeah, I do like to throw my head back and exclaim, “Take me to pleasure town!” I also love 70s music and making fun of television personalities. So maybe I haven’t given this film a fair shake.

“Mmm. I look good. I mean really good. Hey, everyone! Come and see how good I look!” – Ron

Ron and his buddies Brick, Brian, and Champ are idiot chauvinists whose world is rocked by an extremely well lit Christina Applegate. Applegate plays Veronica, a serious journalist who dreams of becoming the first anchorwoman. Ron meets Veronica at a party and tries unsuccessfully to seduce her.

“I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of mahogany.” – Ron

Ron returns home to his apartment to cuddle with his precious dog Baxter (they have matching pajamas). The next day, Ron and company run into station KQHS’ rival news team where an all out insult war breaks out.

“I will take your mother out for a nice seafood dinner, and NEVER call her again!” – Champ

Back at the station, Veronica’s pissed because she’s stuck covering all the girly stories and dealing with extremely offensive come-ons from the guys.

“What do you say we go out on a date? Have some chicken…maybe some sex. See what happens.” – Champ

“I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.” - Brick

The rest of the movie is fairly predictable. Ferrell plays the jazz flute and takes Applegate to Pleasure Town (well done, sir). He hurls a burrito at Jack Black’s head and Baxter gets dropkicked off a bridge. Brick loves carpet, desk, and lamp, everybody harmonizes to Afternoon Delight, and Ron saves Veronica from a bear.

This is like my one night stand movie. I only fool with it when my standards are low and I need a few cheap laughs. But still, ANCHORMAN boasts some funny performances and outstanding dialogue.

And I’ve never seen anybody more comfortable in his underpants than Will Ferrell.

FINAL GRADE: C+

Off in search of a light blue leisure suit,

M.

Day Thirty-Three: Serenity

2010-02-09T11:10:00.000-08:00

SERENITY

Starring:
-Nathan Fillion
-Alan Tudyk
-Adam Baldwin
-Summer Glau
-Gina Torres

Written & Directed by: Joss Whedon

MPAA Rating: PG-13 – sequences of violence and action, some sexual reference

Everyone in the ‘verse knows that Joss Whedon’s space cowboy cult hit is the little show that could. After its cancellation, fury exploded like hell hath no and mercifully, this movie was made. Without further ado...

That black guy from LOVE ACTUALLY rolls in and kills three or four people. He’s on the trail of Simon and River Tam, the brother/sister team who found a home on Captain Mal Reynold’s adorable little spaceship Serenity (classification: Firefly). Also on board you’ll find Jane, the tanned, sweaty muscle man with a penchant for weapons and beating the crap out of people, Kaylee the mechanic, Inara the hooker, Wash the pilot, and Wash’s butt-kicking Amazonian wife Zooey.

Mal and his comrades stop off at a little planet to rob a bank when UH OH! Suddenly there’s a Reaver attack! For all you losers out there who don’t like campy science fiction movies, Reavers are bad news. They’re cannibals and stuff. They’ll eat you and make suits of your skin and for some reason it’s rumored they’ll rape you for hours, which seems to contradict the age old admonition not to play with your food.

“You shoot me if they take me! Well, don’t shoot me first!” – Jane

The gang makes it back safely to the ship and Simon’s pretty pissed that Mal put his little sister in danger, so he informs everyone that he and River are leaving at the next port. The crew docks and heads to a bar to reap payment for their bank raid, but River gets some subliminal messaging from a commercial, says “Miranda” and goes nuts and starts beating up on everybody. And so begins the Joss Whedon commentary on life. Anyway, River’s kicking everybody’s butt and finally Simon shows up, says a few cryptic safe words, and River drops like a leaf.

Bad Black Guy from the Alliance watches all of this unwind via security feed on his ship. He seems pleased.

Back on Serenity, Mal has handcuffed River and is confronting Simon about her crazy behavior. Sweet darling Alan Tudyk suggests they contact Mr. Universe, who is the equivalent of a teenage hacker who just happens to know everything that ever happens online. Mr. Universe confirms that River received a subliminal message from high military Alliance.

“I don’t know what I’m saying. I never know what I’m saying.” – River

Yeah, join the club, River. I do love some of Summer Glau’s facial expressions. When Simon asks her if she’s Miranda, she gives him the world’s most perfect “No, you idiot” look.

I forgot to mention, Mr. Universe also has a “lovebot” which is creepy and intriguing all at the same time.

Anyway, the crew travels to the planet of poor, dirty orphans, where Shepherd Book has been hiding out. Book used to cruise around with them, but that was back in the days when he had an Afro. These day’s he’s got a goatee and a mean set of cornrows.

Anyway, Inara sends Mal an uncomfortable wave message, which the rest of the crew secretly watches. Mal and Zooey think it’s obvious the message was a trap, but romantic Kaylee would rather believe that Inara just wants to see Mal.

Mal: Ya’ll were watching I take it?
Zooey: Yes
Mal: Did you see us fight?
Kaylee: No.
Mal: Trap.

Mal goes to rescue Inara (assuming she needs it) and she warns him that he cannot handle Big Black Alliance Man from LOVE ACTUALLY. Bad Guy tells Mal he’ll let him go as long as he turns over River. They fight. Inara is a hardcore chick, and she placed a bomb on the altar instead of incense, so when it explodes she and Mal escape to her ship and make it back to Serenity.

Summer breaks free in order to show them the location and information on the planet Miranda. The crew ponders this new development as they land on the Shepherd’s planet. Everything has been blown up. Stuff is smoking and there are dead kids lying all over. Mal runs up on Shepherd, who is dying. Boo hoo. I mean, I guess I’m a little sad. I liked him okay. Anyway, he’s got some cool dying words.

“I don’t care what you believe. Just believe in it.” - Book

The crew learns that the Black Alliance dude has murdered all of their former allies, and those who once sheltered them. Bad Guy promises more of the same until Mal turns over River. Mal hangs up on him, then has the crew help him disguise Serenity as a Reaver ship so they can pass through the dangerous territory and reach Miranda unharmed. Mal’s plan works and they sail through an entire fleet of Reaver ships unscathed.

Up to this point, the theory has been that Miranda failed the terraforming process, rendering the planet unlivable and all the settlers died. But now that they’ve arrived, Mal and the gang see that everything is totally normal here…except for all the decomposing bodies lying around everywhere. This is quite literally a city of the dead. Corpses in office buildings lie sprawled across their computer keyboards and desks. We get it, Joss, we get it. Sheesh.

The power has no planet, but they do manage to locate a tiny beacon. They find its source, and a hologram appears. A tearful woman shows them some images of Miranda’s dead and explains that G23 was added to the air to clam the population and weed out aggression. The people stopping fighting, then they stopped everything else, like going to work, breeding, talking, and eating. They just sat and let themselves die. According to the hologram, 10% of the population had a different reaction to the G23 and became violent to the point of madness. This helpfully explains where the Reavers came from and why the Alliance seems so adamant about insisting they don’t exist.

At last the crew realizes that this is why the Alliance is so crazy to kill River. She knows the secret of Miranda. So Mal’s plan is to get the hologram to Mr. Universe so that he can broadcast it all around. Sadly, the Bad Guy had this thought, too, so Alliance swoops in and Bad Guy kills poor geeky Universe man while his lovebot looks on, unaffected.

With both Reaver ships and the Alliance on their tails, Wash deftly navigates through all of it because he is awesome like that.

“I’m a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar.” – Wash

Sadly, they’ve been forced to overdo things and their engine is totally fried. They do an emergency crash landing and everything seems fine until a Reaver harpoon comes busting into the cockpit and kills WASH!

I HATE YOU, JOSS WHEDON!

The crew rolls in to find Mr. Universe dead, sprawled across his lovebot’s lap. Lucky for him, Mr. U used the bot to record his last words to Mal, instructions on how to find his backup equipment and broadcast the message about Miranda. The Reavers are all around trying to get in and eat everybody, and Bad Guy shows up for an epic fight.

Most everybody has gotten hurt at this point, and if you’re like me you’re thinking “Wow, Whedon is going to kill every single person I have ever loved or cared about.” And you are right. He’s probably hunting down your mom right now.

River now has the chance to prove her usefulness and save the day, so she staves off the Reavers and grabs her big bro’s medical bag to patch everybody up. Mal defeats the bad guy but doesn’t kill him. Instead he straps him to a railing and forces him to watch the broadcast of the Miranda beacon over and over again. Mal hobbles back to his badly bruised crew and finds that River is a total badass. Seriously. It’s great. Of course the Alliance takes the opportunity to burst in and aim their weapons at everybody, but Bad Guy tells them to stand down because they’re finished.

Cut to a dramatic valley shot where we review our dead and Zooey finally looks sad about her dead husband.

Everybody patches up the ship and gives it a shiny new paint job, Simon and Kaylee finally get nasty, and the Bad Guy shows up again to tell Mal that they aren’t out of danger, but he won’t be on their tail anymore. Inara decides to stay and River signs on to copilot the ship with Mal.

All in all, this film does what it was intended to do: provide diehard fans and viewers with some much-needed closure. That isn’t to say that I’m not furious to see Joss The Bastard Whedon kill the love of my Firefly life, Hoban Washburne. So while this is an exciting and well-written science fiction adventure flick, I am so sticking with my worn out Firefly DVDs.

Know why? Three words.

Alan Tudyk, baby.

FINAL GRADE: A-

Off in search of my toy collection,

M.

Day Thirty-Two: Creature Comforts: America

2010-02-04T07:31:00.001-08:00

CREATURE COMFORTS: AMERICA

Ask a horse at a stud farm how he feels about his job. Or consult some New York City cockroaches about phobias and fears. Talk to a raccoon about his toes, or ask a pair of lovebirds about their marriage. There’s a rooster who has been fired for tardiness, a bird watching club made up of cats, and a reindeer that hates working on Christmas.

Americans all across the country were interviewed on a variety of subjects. Those tapes were given to animators, who then assigned the voices to various animals. I don’t know why, but I’m a sucker for nearly anything that gives human emotions to animals. Maybe it’s because I love my pets so dearly, or maybe I just get a kick out of it because it’s something unusual. At any rate, I’ve always liked that. This show was based on the British version, which was based on a short film by Nick Park. The animation is awesome, but think Wallace & Gromit, not Tim Burton.

The thing is, when you watch this you really want to know who these people are. You want to know what they look like, where they live, and why they’re such funny freaks. The animators are absolutely brilliant here, because they’ve taken these voices and created entirely new characters around them. The voice of the classroom gerbil is perfect, as are the ghetto sharks who hang around the shipwreck.

If I had to pick favorites, I would pick the married couple housecats, the horse couple from Maryland, and the mother and daughter pigs from Mississippi.

This is seriously funny stuff.

FINAL GRADE: A

Off in search of reindeer,

M

Day Thirty-One: True Blood

2010-02-04T07:29:00.000-08:00

TRUE BLOOD

Starring:
-Anna Paquin
-Stephen Moyer

I saw the Twilight movie. I was unimpressed. But if anything can win me over to Team Vampire, it’s True Blood. True Blood is the new(ish) HBO series about vampires coming out of the coffin all across America, including tiny Louisiana hick town Bon Temps (warning: you will get sick of hearing everybody say the words ‘Bon Temps.’ That’s a guarantee).

Sookie Stackhouse (Paquin) is a telepathic barmaid with a redneck brother, a self-righteous best friend, a vampire boyfriend (Moyer), a shape shifter boss who’s in love with her, and a gap-toothed grin. You might think this girl has all she needs to live creepily ever after, but you would be wrong. Instead, she’s forced to deal with the issues of all her annoying friends and relatives. Eventually, those issues manifest themselves into a cold-blooded serial killer who’s after every single mortal who has any connections with those lusty bloodsuckers. Sookie handles this well, although she does lose both her cat and her grandmother to the cause. I mean they don’t become vampires or anything. They just die gruesome deaths.

Yes, Sookie gets tired of all the drama, but thankfully she has Vampire Bill to see her through and keep her safe… as long as the sun isn’t up. You see, unlike those wimpy Twilight vampires who can stroll around all they want with their sparkly diamond skin, the True Blood vampires are hardcore. They will eat you, but only as long as the sun is down.

I don’t understand why they have to hole up underground all day, though. Most of these vampires are pretty rich, so seems to me they could afford to have like an underground bunker home built. With a swimming pool and Internet access and everything. Why is it they have to lie in their coffins all day when they could be playing Wii?

Coincidentally, while my spell check system will automatically recognize the words “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” and “Wiki”, it isn’t quite hip to the term “Wii.” But I know it’s only a matter of time.

Back to the vampires. I read the first book (written by that Harris woman whose first name I can never remember. Charlaine, maybe?) and couldn’t believe how this woman just threw everything but the kitchen sink into the book. I don’t necessarily mean that in a good way, either. There were so many subplots and so much drama that it pulled me out of the story a little bit. I just had to stop occasionally and think “Seriously? All this has happened to Sookie in her short life? And Elvis lives?” I don’t think so.

Since this is an HBO baby, I’m sure you’ve already guessed that there is a lot of sex involved here. We’re talking tons. If I remember correctly, there is at least one romantic encounter (one night stands included) per episode, which tends to make me bitter that these fictional characters are getting more play in an hour long episode than I have in the last six months. Such is the nature of escapist television.

Mixed in with all of this is the underlying message: gay people are awesome and deserve the right to get married. That may not be the main message of the Harris woman’s books, but that is certainly the direction the show is taking things in. So if you’re staunchly conservative (and easily riled up) about the whole gay marriage thing, you’ll probably be annoyed by all the thinly veiled gay rights messages.

I like gay people. I also like married people. And if gay people want to be married people, it’s no skin off my nose. The important thing to remember here is that I hate being lectured about the topic… from either side. I don’t want to hear a sermon about the horrors of gay marriage from the pulpit, and I certainly don’t want a sermon from the True Blood writers about the horrors of those who oppose their platform.

Can’t we all just get along? Think about this…gay marriage means gay weddings. Lots of them. Lots of weddings involve lots of cake. Where, exactly, is the down side?

Off in search of cake from either orientation,

M.

Day Thirty: Monty Python's Flying Circus

2010-02-04T07:28:00.001-08:00

MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS

-John Cleese
-Michael Palin
-Terry Gilliam
-Eric Idle
-Graham Chapman
-Terry Jones
-featuring Neil Innes & Carol Cleveland

I love funny men. Correction: I love these funny men.

Whether you're watching the Ministry of Silly Walks, the Fish Slapping Dance, or visiting shops for pets and cheese with Dead Polly Parrot, you are going to be laughing. Monty Python humor is timeless, unlike Saturday Night Live or MADTV, where the writers and performers constantly draw material from present day life and pop culture.

For example, I was watching an episode of Laugh In once (a 1960s variety-type show featuring a very young Goldie Hawn) and there were four jokes I didn't understand, right in a row. This wasn't because I was an idiot, rather I just don't know what was happening in politics one random week in the 60s.

Now think about the Pythons' irreverent wit. Will there ever be a time when a sketch entitled "Judges Recess" that features four solemn British barristers exiting the courthouse to run frolic in a playground isn't funny? Nope. Never.

It took me about three years, but I finally managed to collect just about everything MP ever did, and many of the spin-off projects they were involved with. Expect reviews on them later, of course. But for now, just pop in a MPFC DVD and make merry.

It's good stuff.

Off in search of Polly,

M.

P.S. British humor is not for everyone. This was a hard lesson for me to learn.

Day Twenty-Nine: Sex & the City

2010-02-04T07:27:00.000-08:00

SEX & THE CITY

-Sarah Jessica Parker
-Kim Cattrall
-Cynthia Nixon
-Kristin Davis

There are two things I don’t understand about this series: why SJP wears a tutu in the opening sequence, and why she’s constantly pestering Mr. Big. Those of you familiar with the series know that Big (Chris Noth) is the nameless man of Carrie Bradshaw’s dreams. One episode they’re on, two episodes later Carrie becomes convinced he doesn’t love her enough, has a meltdown, and they’re off. Of course, Big can be a dog, but one can hardly blame him for eyeballing other women when Carrie’s always giving him her neurotic female psycho babble.

I suppose the series has to have a Carrie, because it has all other varieties of men and women very well represented. The four main characters are nothing but stereotypes, there’s no denying it. Charlotte York is constantly obsessed with finding the perfect husband, the perfect china pattern, and the perfect home in Connecticut before having perfect babies. You might think “obsessed” is too strong a word but trust me, it’s not. Homegirl is straight up crazy.

Then there’s Miranda Hobbes (Cynthia Nixon), high-powered New York attorney with flaming red hair to match her spicy, “men suck” attitude. She has a lot of “Oh crap, I’m single, I guess I need to scream about how much I hate men” moments. Naturally, she’s the career woman of the group who winds up pregnant, much to Charlotte’s frustration.

Samantha Jones is the whore of the group, plain and simple. She might sleep with three or four men per episode. I’m serious, it’s like she’s trying to start a collection.

And then there’s Carrie, who constantly pumps people for information about their most personal desires and opinions to base her newspaper articles on, all the while wearing the most absurd and repulsive looking outfits you can possibly imagine.

I think this show probably addresses every thing women have ever thought, wondered, freaked, cried, yelled, laughed, and gossiped about. Have you recently met a grieving widower in a cemetery? There’s an episode for that. Is your boyfriend obsessed with models? There’s an episode for that, too. Worried that you’re pregnant? Are you falling for your handyman? Do you hate pretending to be happy for people at weddings and baby showers? Then boy, are you in luck.

In many ways, S&TC is like a how-to (or how not to) manual for women. In closing, I can’t imagine any straight man voluntarily watching this show. And if they’re out there, I hope they keep all the valuable secrets they’ve learned from the S&TC crew to themselves. Once the mystery is gone, what else is there? Nothing but mascara and hairspray, my friend.

And now you know our secrets.

Final Grade: B

Off in search of my catty friends,

M.

Day Twenty-Eight: Last Tango in Paris

2010-02-04T07:26:00.001-08:00

LAST TANGO IN PARIS

Starring:
-Marlon Brando
-Maria Schneider

Directed by: Bernardo Bertolucci

Screenplay Credits: Bernardo Bertolucci & Franco Arcalli

MPAA Rating: Two versions: R & NC-17

Let me say this right up front. If anyone ever comes up to you and says, “Get me the butter,” DO NOT DO IT. Run screaming in another direction. Marlon Brando makes this poor girl do things no one should have to do. Not even hookers do some of this stuff, I’m telling you.

I do have to admit, I’m still not completely clear on what this movie is really about (besides two creepy people hooking up for sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight). Now the question you’re probably asking yourself at this point is, “M, why on earth do you even own this creepy movie?”

Well discerning blog reader, let me tell you. A friend found it in a five-dollar movie bin somewhere and, remembering how much I love movies, bought it for me. I didn’t have the heart to tell her how creepy it is.

Here’s what I was able to figure out before my eyes started bleeding: Marlon Brando is this 45-year-old American dude with terrible hair who is interested in renting an apartment. The Maria chick is a 20-year-old French woman who is also considering said apartment. They run into each other in the flat, briefly discuss who is going to get it, then they start going at it. Just out of nowhere. It’s very weird. So anyway, they put on their coats and leave. The girl runs to the train station to pick up her fiancé…what a skank.

Anyway, we learn that Brando’s wife has just committed suicide (she was probably upset that her husband was such a creepy freak) and that he now wants to have an abusive affair with this 20-year-old Parisian to get out some of his crazy.

Let me tell you, he puts this girl through the ringer, but not in happy fun ways. This is more like weird torture.

My favorite part of this movie is when the two of them sit in bed and make silly noises. That probably says something really strange about me, but I don’t care. Another cool part is when Brando demonstrates his acrobatics (fully clothed, mind you). If you’ve seen this bizarre movie you probably know what I’m talking about. It’s after the sodomy and before the record playing. He’s lying on his back on the floor; he reaches his arms above his head, pushes off the floor and is suddenly standing upright. For whatever reason, this trick fascinated me, and I rewound the DVD to watch it maybe four or five times.

Brando torments her with a dead rat and forces her to take a bath.

At last Brando tells the girl he loves her and he doesn’t care where they live or what people think, he just wants to be with her, which is nice but seems like a major case of “too little too late.” For a minute there you think it might actually end well for the two of them, but they get kicked out of a dance contest and she tells him it’s over. He chases her to the apartment, tells her he loves her again, she shoots him in the stomach, and he goes out on the balcony to die. I normally like sort of quirky movies, but this just wasn’t my kind of quirky.

Final Grade: C-

Off in search of something to make me feel clean again,

M.

Day Twenty-Seven: Stomp Out Loud

2010-01-30T13:42:00.001-08:00

STOMP OUT LOUD

Created & Directed by: Luke Cresswell & Steve McNicholas

MPAA Rating: Not Rated

If you've seen the stage show STOMP in theaters, then you'll know pretty much what to expect out of this DVD. It is slightly more thrilling to see the percussionists performing right in front of you. Another plus of seeing the show live is feeling your heart threatening to thud out of your chest. So, yes, I'm a STOMP advocate for sure. You can bet the next time their tour swings by my neck of the woods, I'll be there.

Here's the basic gist: STOMP OUT LOUD is 50 minutes of talented percussionists making intricate rhythms out of found objects like brooms, buckets, playing cards, dumpsters, basketballs, kitchen tools and appliances, even an old truck. Intercut are famous scenes from the stage show, including the broom dance (which is one of my favorites) and the epic trash can battle finale. The only thing that's more fun than seeing this show (or this DVD) would be actually performing the numbers on stage. You can tell it's a party and a half.

A word of warning: be prepared to feel drummy after you watch this one. You'll be tempted to grab a pair of drumsticks and walk around looking for stuff to beat on.

FINAL GRADE: A

Off in search of an energetic percussionist,

M.

Day Twenty-Six: Stranger Than Fiction

2010-01-30T12:54:00.000-08:00

STRANGER THAN FICTION

Starring:
-Will Ferrel
-Maggie Gyllenhaal
-Dustin Hoffman
-Queen Latifah
-Emma Thompson

Directed by: Marc Forster

Written by: Zach Helm

MPAA Rating: PG-13 - some disturbing images, sexuality, brief language, and nudity

Those of you who tend to avoid the usual frat-boy antics of Will Ferrell spouting bathroom humor in his underpants, rejoice. Here is a Ferrell film you might actually enjoy.

Will stars as Harold Crick, a boring IRS auditor whose life is one big, endless routine. His latest case involves Ana Pascal, a tattooed bake shop owner who refuses to give Caesar what is Caesar's. Ana is an anti-establishment, down with the man, free love and cupcakes kinda gal, and she's determined to make "Tax Man" Harold miserable as he slogs through piles of her paperwork. Harold starts to hear an omniscient voice narrating his life and discovers that he is unable to communicate with it.

While waiting at the bus stop, Harold discovers that his watch has stopped. He asks the time of someone on the street, then resets his watch. The Voice says, "Little did he know that this simple, seemingly innocuous act would result in him imminent death."

Harold freaks and hurries to a psychiatrist, who incorrectly diagnoses him with schizophrenia. Harold asks the woman if she'll take schizophrenia off the table and suggest something else. She proposes that since he has a narrator, he should consult someone who knows about books. This brings Harold to university professor Jules Hilbert (Hoffman), who agrees that he sounds pretty crazy until he learns that the Harold last said "little did he know." According to Hilbert, this is a literary device used to demonstrate that there is something the character does not know. Hilbert encourages Harold to try and find out who the author of his story is, and whether or not he's living in a comedy or a tragedy.

Harold continues to go to the bake shop to sort through Ana's garbled files. Ana has warmed slightly, and brings him a plate of fresh-baked cookies. Harold insists that he cannot accept them, as they could be considered a bribe.

"I'll purchase them!" - Harold

This pisses Ana off and orders him to leave, which leads Harold to conclude that he is definitely living in a tragedy. Harold takes Hilbert's advice and tries to do nothing the next day. The idea of this exercise is to see whether or not a plot will find him, as a story cannot be told with characters who never do anything. Harold lounges on the couch watching television in his sweat pants when suddenly a huge wrecking ball comes crashing into his living room. Hilbert concludes that Harold is powerless in the situation and will certainly die, but he encourages him to make the most of what's left of his life.

Hilbert: Hell Harold, you could just eat nothing but pancakes if you wanted.
Harold: What is wrong with you? Hey, I don't want to eat nothing but pancakes, I want to live! I mean, who in their right mind in a choice between pancakes and living chooses pancakes?
Hilbert: Harold, if you pause to think, you'd realize that that answer is inextricably contingent upon the type of life being led... and, of course, the quality of the pancakes.

Harold grows closer to work buddy Dave, learns to play the guitar, and resolves Ana's tax issues by discovering that she gives away lots of food to those in need.

At last Harold discovers the name of his author, Karen Eiffel, a novelist who is infamous for always killing off the main character in her books. Harold goes through tax records to finds her address and hurries over to convince her that he is real. Karen has finally come up with an ending to her book and gives it to Harold to read, but he is too nervous and passes it to Hilbert instead. Hilbert concludes that this is Eiffel's greatest work, but its genius is largely due to Harold's death. Harold accepts this as his fate and spends one final night with Ana. The next morning....well, just watch it.

I love this movie because it's about realizing your mortality and doing something about it. No, you can't add days or hours, or even minutes to your lifespan, but you do have the ability to squeeze every last drop of life out of each day you have.

This is a brilliant, eloquent film that never ceases to inspire and amaze me. I seem to pick up on something new with each subsequent watching, which is high praise to first time screenwriter Zach Helms. There are lots of great moments in this one, but one of my favorites is when Harold goes to make up with Ana. Does he bring her flowers? Oh, no. He brings her flours. She's a baker, get it? I know. I laughed for a long time, too.

FINAL GRADE: A+

Awesome.

Off in search of a wristwatch,

M.

Day Twenty-Five: Hercules

2010-01-26T14:24:00.001-08:00

HERCULES

Starring:
-Tate Donovan
-Danny DeVito
-James Woods
-Susan Egan
-Rip Torn

Directed by: Ron Clements & John Musker

Screenplay Credits: Ron Clements, John Musker, & Barry Johnson

MPAA Rating: G

Zeus is all happy because he’s the proud papa of a bouncing baby boy. All the Gods are assembled on Mount Olympus to welcome Hercules to their fold. The evil Hades arrives to check things out and make snide remarks before returning to Hell to ask the Fates whether or not Hercules will ruin his plan to release the Titans and dethrone Zeus. The Fates tell him that in twenty-odd years the planets will align, giving him the perfect opportunity to take down Zeus. But they warn him that if Hercules fights, Hades will fall.

Hades doesn’t mess around with the fates, so he sends his two comic relief devil henchmen (Pain and Panic) to sneak up to Mount Olympus and steal the child. Since Gods are immortals, Pain and Panic have to force the baby to drink every drop of a special potion to turn him mortal. Hercules starts chugging away and it looks like he’s going to drink it up, but a farmer and his wife come around the corner and spot the baby. This spooks the devils, who flee and let the bottle break. Baby Hercules did not drink the last drop, so he retained his godlike strength.

The farmer and his wife had no children, so they raised Hercules on their own. Fast-forward about fifteen years where Herc is ostracized by his peers because of his inability to control his freakish strength. Herc dreams of becoming a hero and getting a real hero’s welcome to a place where he belongs. He travels to Zeus’ temple, where the giant statue of his true father comes to life and tells him to go find Philoctetes – henceforth known as Phil-, a satyr who trained some of the world’s greatest heroes. Statue Zeus gives Hercules something to help him along his journey, a flying horse called Pegasus.

So Herc and Peg go find Phil, who gripes about having to train all these losers who couldn’t cut it as heroes like Jason and Achilles. But Herc is different, so Phil finally agrees to train him.

In a few years, Hercules is a buff, tough fighting machine and he’s ready to rescue some damsels and open up a can of hurt on mythical beasties. Herc, Phil and Pegasus head to Thebes, where Hercules saves Megara from the river guardian, an enormous centaur called Nessus. Their attraction is instant, but Meg brushes him off and leaves. Meg returns to her master, Hades, and tells him all about “wonderboy.” We learn that Meg sold her soul to Hades to save her former boyfriend’s life, but once she did the dude abandoned her for another woman.

Hades is furious that Hercules still lives, so he sets up a trap for him just outside the city limits. Hercules goes to battle the Hydra, eventually winning and gaining notoriety in Thebes as a hero. Although he’s now a celebrity and the spokesperson for numerous merchandising ventures, Zeus informs him that there is more to being a hero than simply being famous.

Hades sends Meg to learn Hercules’ weakness, but he has none for her to report. The two fall desperately in love, but Phil has discovered Meg’s secret and tries to warn Hercules. Herc and Phil fight before Phil gets upset and leaves. Hades now sees that Meg is Hercules’ one true weakness, so he uses her to trick Hercules into giving up his strength for one day to ensure her safety. Now completely mortal, Hercules can do nothing to stop Hades from releasing the Titans, who quickly take over Mount Olympus. Hades sends a Cyclops to kill Hercules once and for all. Meg escapes and runs to get Phil. She convinces him that Hercules is in trouble and the two run to his aid. At the last minute, Hercules defeats the Cyclops and a giant column falls on Meg, crushing her. Hades’ deal was that if Hercules gave up his powers, Meg wouldn’t get hurt. Since Meg has now been crushed to death, Herc gets his full strength back. He hurries to Mount Olympus to release the gods, crush the titans, and save the day.

Hercules heads to the underworld and offers to give his life in order to save Meg’s. Because of this willingness, he becomes a true hero and is given full-god status. Despite this, he chooses to remain a mortal on earth with Meg. Phil’s dream comes true when Zeus arranges a constellation of Hercules in the night sky and everyone looks up to exclaim, “Hey, look! That’s Phil’s boy!”

So it’s a happy ending all around -except for Satan, which is as it should be.

This movie came out in 1997, and I’ve always liked it. As far as Disney animation goes, this one deserves to be right there in the canon alongside such classics as SLEEPING BEAUTY and CINDERELLA.

Now, Meg is not a Disney princess. She’s actually about as far away from it as she could possibly be, considering she works for the devil, and all. Still, I always liked her better than most of Disney’s leading ladies because she actually has a lot of spunk. She has a great personality and a lot of passion, and she’s not the type to sit around waiting to be saved by some overgrown narcissist with too many muscles.

I’m going to give this one an A-, with the understanding that to me it’s in comparison with other kids movies, not necessarily films for grown people (I caught myself typing ‘adult movies,’ so I giggled, deleted it, and chose a better phrase).

Of in search of a narcissist with too many muscles,

M.

Day Twenty-Four: Mary Poppins

2010-01-26T14:04:00.000-08:00

MARY POPPINS

Starring:
-Julie Andrews
-Dick van Dyke

Directed by: Robert Stevenson

Screenplay Credits: Bill Walsh & Don DaGradi

MPAA Rating: G

There’s a strange wind blowing at Number 17, Cherry Tree Lane. Jane and Michael Banks have run off from their latest nanny, and she’s not putting up with that crap anymore. Mrs. Banks returns home from her suffragette meeting to find the nanny leaving and begs her to stay in song. The nanny leaves right as George Banks arrives home from a long, rewarding day at the creepy bank where he works.

George isn’t happy to learn that the new nanny has abandoned them again, so the children toddle in to see him –in their adorable bathrobes- with an advertisement they’ve written to help him find a suitable nanny for them. Rosy cheeks, no warts, play games (all sorts), that kind of thing. George thinks this is absolute drivel and sends the children to bed before ripping up their advertisement and tossing it into the fireplace. As George and his wife continue to discuss the situation, the torn pieces mysteriously float up into the chimney.

The next day there is a long line of severe looking British nannies lined up along the sidewalk outside the Banks home. All are here to interview for the position. Suddenly, a strong wind comes up and blows them all away. Mary Poppins arrives and rings the bell. She’s a force to be reckoned with, and George has no clue how to handle her. She ends up interviewing him, basically, before giving herself the job and every second Tuesday off. Then she slides up the banister to see the children.

Jane and Michael are in awe of Mary, who pulls extraordinary things out of her bottomless carpetbag and can make the nursery clean itself simply by snapping her fingers. Mary sticks them in their cute little coats and hats (Why can’t children still dress like that? Especially American kids; they wear tee shirts that say ‘Pull My Finger.’ Sheesh.) and takes them on a fabulous outing to the park where they bump into Bert, who’s sort of a jack of all trades and Mary’s boyfriend.

Okay, they aren’t officially an item, but you can tell by the way they grin sneakily at each other when the children aren’t looking that they’ve got a history together. I bet they text all the time. Anyway, Bert has been making sidewalk drawings, so Mary takes them all inside one of the paintings to ride a magical carousel and rescue a fox and win a horse race before carrying them home again.

Mary’s put a song in the hearts of everyone in the house – except grumpy George, of course- and they all march around singing “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.” You may not believe this, but my spell check automatically recognized that as a word. Weird.

Mary takes Bert and the kids to see her Uncle Albert, who floats whenever he laughs and invites them all to join him for a tea party in mid-air. “I Love To Laugh” is actually one of my favorite songs in the entire movie, because you can’t listen to it without laughing along with it. Well, you probably can if you have no soul.

Speaking of the soulless, Mr. Banks is concerned that Mary is engaging the children in too much frivolity and unneeded tomfoolery. He starts complaining to her and tries to dismiss her, but she ignores him completely and manages to convince him he should take the kids on a tour of the bank. He does, and his boss Mr. Dawes (also played by Dick van Dyke) tries to force Michael into investing his tuppence before actually snatching it out of his hand. Michael pitches a fit, which leads the other customers to panic and start a run on the bank. Frightened, the children escape in the crowd. They run through the creepy streets where dogs bark at them and scary urchins lunge at them. At last they bump into Bert. They don’t recognize him at first, because he’s covered in soot.

“It just so happens that today I’m a chimneysweep.” – Bert

The children tell Bert about what happened at the bank. Bert sits them down and explains that their father doesn’t hate them.

“Look at it this way. You’ve got your mother to look after you. And Mary Poppins. And Constable Jones. And me. Who looks after your father? Tell me that. When something terrible happens, what does he do?” – Bert

You will notice that I skipped over the entire “Feed the Birds” sequence. I had too. It makes me cry.

Bert takes the children home and sings his chimneysweep song. Since it’s Mary Poppins’ day off, Mrs. Banks has Bert stay to clean the chimney and look after the kids. Naturally, the fireplace is situated before a pristine white area rug. Heeheehee.

Mary Poppins arrives just in time to see Jane and Michael get sucked up the chimney.

Mary: There goes the other one.
Bert: Shall I go after them?
Mary: Well we can’t have them gallivanting around up there like kangaroos, can we?

So they all go up and bump into Bert’s chimneysweep pals, who do one of the coolest dances I’ve ever seen across the rooftops and chimneys of London. I remember dancing from couch to couch pretending to be a chimney sweep, but I was always a little scared for the guys because I didn’t want to them to slip and fall.

One thing I really like about this is Mary’s ability to fit in with anyone she’s around, whether they be cartoon people, or covered in soot. She treats everybody equally, and she doesn’t take any guff.

Anyway, the crazy neighbor whose house is a ship thinks the Hottentots are attacking London and fires off a bunch of fireworks to scare them away. The sweeps scatter for a few minutes before diving down the chimneys for cover. Naturally, they all tumble their sooty selves into the Banks living room (all across that pretty white rug) and continue to dance and sing. Mr. Banks arrives home to see these dirty men dancing with his wife and servants. The sweeps dance away happily into the streets after thanking Mr. Banks for a lovely time.

“Oh father! Every one of those sweeps shook your hand! You’re going to be the luckiest person in the world.” – Jane

Mr. Banks demands an explanation from Mary Poppins.

“First of all, I would like to make one thing quite clear…I never explain anything.” – Mary

She takes the children upstairs and the telephone rings. It’s the boss, who wants Banks to return at nine, presumably to be fired. Mr. Banks wanders into the living room to bemoan his lot in song and blame Mary Poppins for all the chaos in his life. Bert gently counsels him in his terrible Cockney accent and dang, Dick van Dyke is a handsome fellow.

The children enter in their adorable pajamas to apologize. They give their father the tuppence.

“Will that make everything all right?” – Jane

Mr. Banks heads down to the creepy bank to face his superiors. After a brief discussion of the Boston Tea Party, the elderly banker’s son rips up Banks’ carnation, breaks his umbrella, and punches a hole in his hat. Banks takes this in stride, saying “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” and telling the bankers a joke before dancing away.

The punch line of the joke finally hits the oldest banker, who starts to laugh before floating up into the air.

A change in the wind means that it’s time for Mary Poppins to go. The children tearfully beg her to stay. George, who has been gone all night, returns home singing with a homemade kite. Oh-oh-oh everybody goes to fly the kite.

The family holds hands and skips down the street together. Mary Poppins smiles at them from the nursery window. George runs into the bankers, who are also flying kites in the park. The son tells George that his father died laughing, so there’s room for a new partner.

Mary Poppins opens her umbrella and flies off into the sky. Bert spots her and says, “Goodbye, Mary Poppins. Don’t stay away too long.”

Stick around for the credits, where the role of “Mr. Dawes, Senior” is credited to “Navckid Keyd.” These letters magically rearrange themselves to spell “Dick van Dyke.” I love that.

This is one of the most imaginative movies I have ever seen. I do think it’s the kind of movie you have to grow up loving. It means a lot to me now because it meant a lot to me when I was little. I’m a sucker for the magic of soaring music and lyrical words.

This is generally my “I’m sick and I need to feel better” movie, but strangely I always cry when it watch it…most of the way through it, actually. I cry because the dad’s so mean, I cry when Bert’s sidewalk paintings get destroyed in the rain, I cry when it’s time to feed the birds, I cry when the elderly banker takes their tuppence and the dad lets him, I cry because the children get lost and the scary dogs and homeless women chase them, I cry when they all go fly kites, and I cry when Mary Poppins goes away, etc. I’m sure you catch my drift.

So, yes. I’m a college student who loves Mary Poppins, and I make no apologizes for that. After all, I never explain anything.

FINAL GRADE: A+

Off in search of a spoonful of sugar,

M.

Day Twenty-Three: The Women

2010-01-26T13:46:00.000-08:00

THE WOMEN

Starring:
-Meg Ryan
-Annette Bening
-Eva Mendes
-Debra Messing
-Jada Pinkett Smith
-Candice Bergen

Directed by: Diane English

Screenplay Credits: Diane English

MPAA Rating: PG-13

If you like movies where Jada Pinkett Smith is a lesbian and women beat themselves up over their cheating dog husbands, then by all means, Netflix this one. If you have a brain in your head, say “thanks but no thanks” and don’t waste your time.

THE WOMEN is a remake of the 1939 film of the same name, which was directed by George Cukor. If you simply must watch a movie entitled THE WOMEN, go straight for the ’39 version… there’s far less bitch slapping.

Anyway, the 2008 version is about Mary Haines, who lives in a fancy house out in Connecticut with her cheating dog husband Steven, their eleven year old daughter Molly, and a couple of women staff members. Mary has just discovered that her husband is cheating on her with some slutty young tramp he met in the city. She bumps into the slutty young tramp time and time again, and they battle, but she never seems to manage to come out on top. Mary whines to her friends about this before finally going to her mother, Candace Bergen, who is this film’s only redeeming quality. Bergen is in sole possession of the only even remotely clever, interesting lines. Still, she isn’t entirely perfect, as she encourages her daughter to keep quiet about Steven’s indiscretion and silently hope he sees the light and comes back to her.

This is bullcrap. This whole movie is bullcrap. Now, I’m extremely biased, because I am a strong woman with a strict no-tolerance policy. One strike and you are out, buddy. I say this with confidence, knowing that I am not (and never plan to be) a cheating dog, so naturally I expect the same from anybody I’m seeing. The fact that this woman lets this horrible man string her along, and make her feel like a worthless sack of crap is totally disgusting to me. Yes, they’ve been married several years. Yes, they have a child together. Betrayal is betrayal. And it's interesting to me that throughout the course of the film, Mary is so desperate to win back her husband that she neglects their daughter. Call me crazy, but that's just plain lousy parenting.

Being all about women, the film naturally addresses pettiness, along with other sources of betrayal, and at one point the main BFFs are in a pretty bad tiff themselves.

In short, imagine everything that women ever complain about or struggle with… now add opening and closing credits. Congratulations. You have just summed up this movie.

This is an all female cast, which is a gimmick that gets really, really old in the first act. THE WOMEN is 114 minutes of self-absorbed whining. In its quest to empower women, it fails horribly. Need to feel good about yourself, ladies? Watch WAITRESS, or 9 TO 5. If you want to watch an ensemble of catty women with decadent plot twists and hilarious dialogue, watch reruns of SEX AND THE CITY. But please, never, ever, ever watch this movie. Just don’t.

FINAL GRADE: D

Frankly, the only reason I didn’t flunk it out completely is, this one is slightly better than SUPER FUZZ. But only slightly.

Off in search of something better,

M.

Day Twenty-Two: The Bourne Ultimatum

2010-01-24T12:12:00.000-08:00

THE BOURNE ULTIMATIUM

Starring:
-Matt Damon as Jason Bourne
-Julia Stiles as Nicky Parsons
-David Strathairn as Noah Vosen
-Joan Allen as Pamela Landy
-Albert Finney as Dr. Albert Hirsch

Directed by: Paul Greengrass

Screenplay Credits: Tony Gilroy, Scott Z. Burns, & George Nolfi

MPAA Rating: PG-13 – violence and intense sequences of action

British reporter Simon Ross is doing a series of articles on the mysterious Jason Bourne and he’s just gotten the scoop on Operation Blackbriar from a source who refuses to go on record. Ross calls his editor and makes a single mention of Operation BlackBriar and the CIA instantly begins tracking him.

Jason meets up with Ross at the Waterloo Station, where Ross tells him that Blackbriar is a Treadstone upgrade, and that his source knows everything about Bourne, including who he was.

Noah Vosen, the (extremely attractive) CIA honcho in charge of running BlackBriar recognizes Jason helping Ross and assumes that he is the source. Vosen spots Bourne and gives the asset the green light to take both of them out. But Ross is stupid and thinks he knows how to take care of himself, so he makes a run for it and the CIA asset shoots him square in the head. Idiot. ALWAYS LISTEN TO JASON BOURNE, PEOPLE!

Bourne gets away, but not before emptying Ross’ pockets.

CIA director Ezra Kramer sends Landy in to Vosen’s operation, as she was the agent who was tracking Bourne six weeks earlier. It takes Landy all of five minutes to figure out that Ross’ contact is Neal Daniels, formerly involved in Treadstone and currently heading up the Blackbriar Operations in North Africa and Southern Europe.

Bourne also figures the source is Daniels after going through the information Ross was carrying when he was gunned down. He hurries to Daniels’ office in Madrid where he spots a photograph of two men, both of whom he recognizes as being present at his induction to the Treadstone program. He then takes out two of Vosen’s operatives and runs smack dab into Nicky Parsons. He got a gun on her when Vosen calls the office. Nicky answers and assures him that his men are alive. She lies and tells him she is not under duress, which gives Bourne the chance to hear a little insider information. Vosen urges Nicky to stay put, telling her that backup will arrive in one hour. He terminates the call and Nicky warns Bourne that backup will be there in three minutes. She tells him that she knows where Daniels is, and that her car is out back. As they exit the building, Nicky tells him that Daniels wired $100,000 to an account in Tangier earlier in the day.

They end up at a diner where Nicky tells Jason what she knows about Daniels. She then hints around that they once had a relationship, which doesn’t surprise me, as she seems better suited for him than Marie.

The CIA has tracked Daniels’ passport to a hotel in Tangier, rightly assuming that’s where Bourne is also headed.

Nicky learns that the asset sent for Daniels is Desh. Jason has her message him with instructions to pick up a new phone. He does, which allows Jason the opportunity to follow him to Daniels. The CIA folks are on to him, and Vosen orders the asset to take out Jason and Nicky once he’s finished with Daniels. Desh manages to kill Daniels with a well-placed bomb, and although the blast knocks Jason down, he pops right back up and heads out after Desh like James Bond shaking off a heart attack. Bourne eventually catches up with Desh, who has been chasing Nicky. They wrestle around a while, occasionally hitting each other with books and candlesticks before Bourne finally takes him out. Bourne then swipes his phone and tosses it to Nicky.

“Code it in. We need to be dead.” – Jason

Vosen calls Ezra to tell him that Nicky and Jason are dead. We learn that the only reason Ezra sent Landy to work with the team was so she could be the scapegoat if anything went wrong with the mission.

Jason tells Nicky a little about Marie before telling her she has to run. Later he comes up on her dying her hair in the sink and chopping it off. He looks at her a moment, obviously thinking about Marie. With a wistful look and her new, unflattering haircut, she goes into hiding.

Jason pays a guy off to get a look at Daniels’ charred briefcase and finds the address of the secret CIA hidey-hole in New York City, where Vosen heads Blackbriar. Vosen discovers that Desh is dead. Separately, Landy discovers that Jason is alive and is using one of his early Treadstone identities. Landy thinks he’s trying to communicate with her, so she communicates back.

The next scene is exactly like the final one in the second movie. Jason is camped out in a building across the street from Vosen’s office. He calls Landy’s cell phone and Vosen hears the call. Landy does her apology thing, then thanks him for the incriminating tape against Abbott. She then tells him his real name – David Webb- and his birth date, 4-15-71. He tells her, once again, to get some rest because she looks tired.

Landy exits the building and goes to meet Bourne. Vosen and his men are on her. Jason uses this opportunity to break into Vosen’s office and steal the classified Blackbriar documents from his safe. Vosen sends an asset after Bourne, who is headed to meet Landy at 415 East 71st street (recognize Webb’s “birth date”?). This is the address of the training facility where Dr. Albert Hirsch was in charge of breaking and preparing the Treadstone operatives. Vosen calls Hirsch to warn him that Bourne is coming.

There’s another huge car chase and too many crunches to count, but when the asset crashes – alive but immobilized- Bourne walks away without killing him. Bourne meets Landy at the address she gave him and hands her a bag with all the documents he swiped inside. She warns him that Vosen is already on the way, then quickly goes to fax all the documents. Luckily, she gets them all done before Vosen finds her.

Jason finds Hirsch, who fills in the details. Bourne was Captain David Webb and he volunteered to be the first person in the program, believing that he would be saving American lives.

“You chose right here to become Jason Bourne.” – Hirsch

Bourne remembers being forced to kill a man in the training room before finally being admitted into the Treadstone program.

“I remember everything. I’m no longer Jason Bourne.” – Jason

Vosen’s agents arrive and Jason evades them by racing to the roof. He hears a gun click and looks up to see the asset whose life he spared earlier.

“Do you even know why you’re supposed to kill me? Look at us. Look at what they make you give.” – Jason

See what he did there? He quoted the asset from the first movie’s dying words. Agents, including Vosen, burst onto the roof, guns drawn. Jason jumps off into the East River and Vosen’s gun goes off. It’s difficult to tell whether or not Bourne has been hit, but we do see him floating lifelessly in the water, which is reminiscent of how we first found him in THE BOURNE INDENTITY.

Time passes.

We learn that Ezra Kramer is under investigation, and that Vosen and Hirsch have already been arrested. Nicky is watching this news story on TV, and she really perks up when they mention David Webb. According to the news program, Webb was shot and fell ten stories into the river, but wasn’t found after a ten-day search. Nicky grins really creepily and we see David Jason Bourne Webb or
whoever he is now swimming away. Hooray!

I knew in the first ten minutes of the movie that I was going to like this one better than the second film. This one is awesome straight out of the gate. Now after finishing the entire series, I’m fairly certain that this one is my favorite. The camerawork has been criticized before as being too shaky, or distracting to the viewer, but I didn’t find this to be the case. If anything, the camerawork really draws your attention to what you need to be seeing at any given moment. The landscape shots are incredible, but my favorites are those really interesting ones, like when a character is filmed from afar and framed by something unusual in the scene.

There is speculation that a fourth Bourne movie will be filmed this summer for a 2011 release, but I will be a little sad if that is the case. I think the trilogy has worked itself to a natural conclusion. Why mess with a good thing? Jason Bourne or David Webb or whoever he is, is free now. That’s what’s really fun about the end of this movie; it came full circle. He started out floating around in the water with no identity, and that’s how he ended it. Personally, I’d rather not know anything more about Bourne’s whereabouts. I want to be surprised if I come home to my apartment one day and find him sitting in my living room. He seems to do that to every person he comes in contact with. Why not me? And while he’s here, I’ll get him to beat up on my rude upstairs neighbors and play spy games with me. I don’t want to be involved in the actual spy games, mind you. But we could pretend. What’s that called? Role playing?

Ohhh, yeah.

FINAL GRADE: A

Off in search of fuzzy handcuffs,

M.

P.S. Thanks to MSJ -the phantom wood worker- for supplying the last several movies. If anybody deserves a Catherine, it's you. Now get back to work!

Day Twenty-One: The Bourne Supremacy

2010-01-24T12:10:00.000-08:00

THE BOURNE SUPREMACY

Starring:
-Matt Damon as Jason Bourne
-Franka Potente as Marie
- Brian Cox as Ward Abbott
-Joan Allen as Pamela Landy
-Julia Stiles as Nicolette Parsons

Directed by: Paul Greengrass

Screenplay Credits: Tony Gilroy & Brian Helgeland

MPAA Rating: PG-13 – violence, intense action, and brief language

A couple of years have passed since Jason Bourne learned he was a CIA assassin, and he continues to regain his memory through occasionally violent flashbacks and dreams. Jason and Marie are living together in Goa, India. Marie is blonde now, so she doesn’t look as severe as she did in the first film.

In Virginia’s big CIA office, Director Pamela Landy is overseeing one of her agents paying $3 million for the Neski Files, documents about $20 million that was stolen from the CIA seven years earlier.

Cut to a basement in Berlin were the million-dollar Neski swap is going down. A Russian assassin named Kirill has planted two bombs, one on the mainline and one on the subline. He rigs the second bomb to malfunction. When the first bomb goes off, Kirill kills both men and swipes the Neski documents. He then delivers them to his boss, Russian oil tycoon Yuri Gretkov.

Back in India, Jason spots a suspicious looking man in town and, sure enough, the man is asking around for him. Jason grabs Marie and they start careening through town trying to get away. The bad guy stays right behind them, eventually managing to shoot and kill Marie. The car flies off the bridge and Jason struggles to get Marie’s body out. He tries to do underwater CPR, which is weird, and of course he is unsuccessful. She floats away all creepy looking and the bad guy thinks he’s killed Bourne and leaves.

I was never overly attached to Marie, so I’m not torn up that they decided to kill her. This makes Bourne a little more like Bond… he can’t hold on to the same woman for very long.

A fingerprint is found on the bomb that failed to detonate, and that print belongs to none other than Jason Bourne. There’s something rotten in the state of Denmark…

Jason burns all of Marie’s passports and pictures and things, then travels to Naples, Italy. Landy receives clearance to pilfer through the Treadstone files, and she discovers that Jason is suffering from amnesia, and that Conklin was killed for letting Treadstone get out of hand.

Pam thinks that Conklin and Jason were in cahoots together and are somehow connected to the Neski documents. Oh, Pam. You’ve got it all wrong.

Fun fact: Most people named Pam are trashy. I speak from personal experience.

Landy and Ward interrogate Nicky Parsons. They realize that she knows more about the whole business than they do, so they drag her off to Berlin with them. Gee, I hope she didn’t have dinner plans.

Jason thinks the Treadstone folks are still after him and goes to interrogate the last remaining member of the team at his house. They get into a big, bloody fight and Bourne strangles the guy to death. Jason rigs the place to explode and gets the heck out of dodge.

Jason manages to track Landy to the Berlin Westin Hotel. He follows her to the local CIA station and hides a safe distance away before telephoning her and agreeing to meet … but only with an agent he trusts. Landy agrees to this and Bourne chooses Nicky. Ward warns Landy not to let Nicky go, but she ignores him and sends her out anyway. Bourne snatches Nicky and evades the surrounding agents.

Bourne questions Nicky about what’s going on and learns that Abbott was Conklin’s boss. Since she’s wearing a bug, Landy hears their whole conversation. Landy makes the decision to release Bourne’s photo to the local police. Boy, this is all just one big misunderstanding.

Bourne starts looking up stuff about Neski online. Supposedly, Neski was murdered by his wife, who then committed suicide.

CIA boy Danny has returned to the site of the bombing. He’s figured out that the second bomb was unnecessary, and he thinks that Bourne didn’t have anything to do with the murders. Abbott surprises everybody by knifing the kid to death.

Meanwhile, Bourne has broken into the hotel room where the Neskis were murdered. Vivid flashbacks confirm it was he who killed them. Back at the front desk, the hotel clerk recognizes Bourne’s photograph on a wanted poster and telephones the police. They arrive quickly, but Bourne evades them. Obviously. Is there anyone he can’t evade? No.

Landy and two of her guys make it to the Neski hotel room and look around for a few minutes before receiving word that Danny’s body has been found. Landy instantly suspects Abbott and gets to his hotel to confront him.

Abbott calls Gretkov to tell him that Bourne is still alive. He says the plan can still be salvaged, but Bourne has to be taken out. He believes that Bourne can finger them as coconspirators in the $20 million theft. Gretkov tells Abbott to buzz off and hangs up.

“I’m afraid, Ward, the time has come for us to part company.” – Gretkov

Suddenly, Jason comes creeping out of the shadows. He refuses to kill Abbott out of respect for Marie. Jason leaves and Landy arrives. She enters the room to find Abbott holding a gun. Abbott tells Landy that Danny was collateral damage, and that he isn’t sorry. Then he shoots himself. Good. I never liked him, anyway.

Bourne’s a smart cookie and he taped his last exchange with Abbott and mailed it to Landy. Then he boards a train to Moscow to try and find Neski’s daughter. Russian police start after him, then Kirill joins the party and once again it seems like everybody on the planet wants to kill Jason Bourne. Can’t this guy catch a break?

Kirill shoots Bourne, so he ducks into a dollar store to swipe some stuff, hops into a random cab and doctors his wound as he drives away. There are maybe ten police cars and Kirill chasing him, and this might be one of the longest car chases I have ever seen. Anyway, here’s the reader’s digest version: Bourne forces Kirill’s car into a concrete median, then watches him wheeze his last few breaths before walking away.

Gretkov is arrested by the Russian police after Landy gives them the tape that Bourne sent her, implicating him in the robbery and the Neskis’ murder. Neski’s daughter returns to her apartment to find Bourne sitting there. He tells her that he was the man who killed her parents. He apologizes and leaves.

“When what you love gets taken from you, you want to know the truth.” – Jason

Cut to New York City, where Bourne calls Landy on her cell. Landy wanted to thank him for supplying the tape. She apologizes for everything before telling him his real name, David Webb, his birth date, 4-15-71, and his home state, Missouri.

“Get some rest, Pam. You look tired.” - Jason

Again we end with a perfect setup to a follow-up movie, which is- of course- exactly what the filmmakers wanted. This one just didn’t do it for me and I’m not sure why. I do love all the times when Bourne is watching people and they have no idea, then he clues them in and they look around all alarmed and confused. That’s just funny to me.

I could be mistaken, but it seems like this one jumped around a lot more than the first one did. It was a little harder to follow, and it took me longer to get into. I would like to have seen more of Nicky Parsons, mainly because she strikes me as an interesting character, and I don’t think she’s been explored fully enough.

I guess I liked it, but certainly not as well as I liked the first one. At this point I do feel kind of bad for Marie, but more than that I’m still torn up about the dog murder in the first film. What can I say? Women hold grudges.

FINAL GRADE: B

Off in search of David Webb,

M.

Day Twenty: The Bourne Identity

2010-01-24T12:09:00.000-08:00

THE BOURNE IDENTITY

Starring:
-Matt Damon… and other people

Directed by: Doug Liman

Screenplay Credits: Tony Gilroy & William Blake Herron

MPAA Rating: PG-13 – violence and some language

A crew of fishermen is out in a storm when they spot something bobbing around in the ocean. They haul it in and it’s Matt Damon. They think he’s dead, so they start crossing themselves, but then he moves his hand and spooks them. Since he’s still kicking, they take him in to work on him. He’s got two bullets in his back, so they carve them out with X-Acto knives and tweezers. Then they discover a small metal chip in his hip with a big long number and some address in Zurich. Matt comes to and starts flailing around, but the fisherman calms him down and asks his name. Matt doesn’t know.

Back at the CIA offices in Virginia, a nerdy looking dude goes in to see the boss, Conklin, to tell him that the mission has failed.

Still on the boat, Matt learns that he is fluent in several languages, very physical, and capable of tying complicated sailor knots. He’s been there two weeks, but he hasn’t remembered anything about himself or where he came from. The fisherman hands Matt some money as he leaves the boat, as well as the chip that came out of his hip. Matt heads to Zurich and finds his safety deposit box. Inside the box are a handful of passports, a couple of contact cases, thousands of dollars, a mean looking gun, and a few other odds and ends. He cleans out the box, but leaves the gun. Matt is seen by a bank employee, who quickly reports this to the CIA.

Matt ducks into the U.S. Consulate and is spotted. He discovers that he can get out of sticky situations easily and instinctively.

The CIA dispatches all their agents. Conklin wants Bourne in a body bag by sundown. Apparently, Bourne is one of their agents who failed his mission to assassination former dictator Nykwana Wombosi and never reported back to them.

Bourne hitches a ride to Paris with Marie, a girl he noticed in the Consulate. On the way, she asks him what kind of music he likes and he can’t answer. He confesses that he is an amnesiac. Jason shows Marie his stack of passports and talks about all the weird stuff he knows, like all six license plate numbers for the cars outside the diner, etc. Still, he has no clue who he is.

“How could I forget about you? You’re the only person I know.” – Jason

Jason and Marie find his Paris apartment. Jason hits the redial button on his phone and is connected to a Paris hotel. He then discovers that John Michael Kane – one of his aliases- was killed two weeks prior in an automobile accident. Moments later, an agent comes flying into the apartment and tries to kill him. Jason takes him out and breaks like, every other bone in his body. The man manages to hop up and runs out the window, where he falls to his death on the street below. Marie freaks, which proves that women have no business in the spy business. She’s in shock, so he drags her out onto the street and BOY this is an awesome movie.

The police see the couple in Marie’s rusty old Mini Cooper and start to chase them. Unfortunately for the long arm of the law, Jason is an expert getaway driver and he manages to elude them.

“So…uh, we got a bump coming up.” Jason

If he knows how to bake muffins and can give a good massage, he might just be the perfect man. Of course, he is blond, but that can’t be helped.

Jason slips the Coop into a parking garage and instructs Marie that she must never return to it. He says they will have to clean it out and wipe it down before mentioning that she will need to change her hair. Marie is still a little dazed, but she agrees with Jason anyway. Meanwhile, Wombosi shows up at the morgue in Paris to identify “Kane”, the man who he thinks tried to kill him. He looks at the body, but doesn’t recognize it. We learn that the agents planted this body, pretending it was “Kane” in hopes of fooling Wombosi.

Jason’s got Marie bent over the sink to dye her hair. Then he goes after it with a pair of scissors. Now this is where I would have to draw the line. Anyway, this has been a real turn-on for Marie, and she doesn’t waste time in letting Jason know she’d like to jump his bones.

The next morning, a sniper on the roof shoots Wombosi in the neck. Ouch. Jason and Marie have gone to the Hotel Regina – Kane’s last place of residence- to get his hotel bill. Jason can’t go in because he’s supposed to be dead, so he comes up with an elaborate plan to get the records. Marie surprises him by simply walking in and asking for them.

Back at CIA headquarters, the boss is blaming Wombosi’s assassination on Bourne. Jason determines that he is definitely Kane, and that the morgue has a body they’re keeping as Kane. Bourne pays off a morgue worker to show him the body, but the locker is empty. He rips a page out of the morgue’s sign in book and makes the connection between Kane and Wombosi. Finally they discover Wombosi had told the police that a man had come onto his yacht and tried to kill him three weeks earlier. Jason determines that he is that man, an assassin whom Wombosi chased off the boat and shot twice in the back.

The cops have discovered their hotel location, so Jason decides that he and Marie are no longer safe in Paris. Marie’s ex-boyfriend Eamon has a house in the country. He isn’t supposed to be there, so Marie and Jason decide that’s where they’ll go. Of course, Eamon shows up with two cute little kids in tow, not to mention the family dog. Eamon lets Jason and Marie spend the night anyway, and they’re all set to leave the next morning when the kids come running in to tell Eamon that the dog is missing. Jason is instantly suspicious and tells Eamon to get the kids into the basement immediately, they aren’t safe. Eamon and his family do as they are told, and Marie discovers that the phone is dead.

Jason figures out the location of Eamon’s double-barrel shotgun- way up out of the children’s reach- and blows something up (I can’t really tell what), creating a huge explosion and a cloud of black smoke he can move around in unnoticed. The sniper still spots Jason running into the woods and takes off after him. Jason manages to shoot the sniper twice, then interrogates him. The sniper reveals that both men work for Operation Treadstone, and says a few more cryptic things, including mention of the same headaches Jason describes in the first of the movie.

“Look at us…look at what they make you give.” – Sniper’s dying words

Bourne takes $30,000 out of his bank bag and sends the rest with Marie. He forces her to go away with Eamon and his kids for her own safety. Jason promises Marie that he is going to end this, and she goes.

Jason heads back into Eamon’s house with the dead sniper’s bag. He finds the man’s phone and ends up dialing Conklin, the CIA boss who has been after him all along. Jason tells Conklin that he has killed Marie to stop them from looking for her. He makes plans to meet Conklin alone on a bridge.

Jason heads to the designated bridge, but spots numerous CIA agents and refuses to meet. He does, however, manage to place a tracking device on Conklin’s car, which leads him to the Treadstone safe house in Paris. Jason figures out a way to set all the car alarms on the street off, effectively distracting the guards so that he can gain entry to the safe house. Jason kills the phones, and the building’s power. He gets both Conklin and Julia Stiles held at gunpoint. Conklin starts filling in some of Jason’s blanks. Jason has flashbacks to being on the boat with Wombosi. He remembers sneaking onto the yacht and putting a gun to Wombosi’s head, but he couldn’t go through with the assassination when he discovered the target’s small children there. Jason tells Conklin that he’s quitting, ordering him to report that Jason Bourne drowned two weeks ago. Suddenly he spots the bug in Conklin’s clothes and knocks the man unconscious right before engaging in a shootout with the agents who have arrived to take him out.

Bourne gets away and Conklin is shot to death by one of the agents from Hamburg. The order came from Conklin’s boss Abbott, who terminates the program. Abbott goes before a government committee to discuss the dissolution of Treadstone, claiming that it was an ineffective training program. After Abbott assures the committee that Treadstone is no more, he begins briefing them on the new project, codenamed Blackbriar, effectively setting things up for a sequel.

Marie has started a new life for herself by opening a store in Greece. Jason finds her and they hug.

It’s always interesting to watch a movie where you know a lot more than the main character. I couldn’t help but put myself in his shoes. What would I do if I woke up and didn’t know who or where I was? And then there’s Marie, who has got to be a little crazy for letting this strange man into her car.

However, my biggest concern with this movie is…what happened to the dog? Eamon’s dog, you know? I assume the agent killed him, but why? What was the point of killing an innocent dog? I know he probably did it so that he could sneak up to the house to kill the phones without being barked at or bitten, but still. He couldn’t have shot the dog with a tranquilizer gun? You know, something mild that would have worn off in an hour or two. In other movies people will sometimes bring raw steaks to distract the dogs with. I know it’s not a big deal, and no dogs were actually harmed in the making of this movie, but still. I’m a girl. When girls watch action movies, we think more about things like biceps and harmless animals getting killed than we do gun models or escape plans.

So even though I am greatly troubled by the disappearing dog, I still think this is a terrific movie. That’s why I’m giving it an A.

Off in search of who I am,

M. Bourne

Day Nineteen: The Mask of Zorro

2010-01-21T13:40:00.001-08:00

THE MASK OF ZORRO

Starring:
-Antonio Banderas
-Catherine Zeta Jones
-Anthony Hopkins

Directed by: Martin Campbell

Screenplay Credits: John Eskow, Ted Elliott, & Terry Rossio

MPAA Rating: PG-13 – some intense action and violence

Pray for mercy from…. PUSS in boots!

Okay, sorry. Wrong movie. For those of you who don’t know, Antonio Banderas absolutely stole my heart several years ago via an adorable little computerized kitty cat swordfighter on SHREK 2. Don’t judge me. I like kid movies. It all goes back to the fact that I am a well-rounded and discerning individual. Despite often being categorized as an “old soul”, I am decidedly young at heart. Therefore, I can appreciate Antonio Banderas in any form he chooses to present himself in: either as hunky Latin swordfighter Zorro, or as adorable kitty in wee little boots with over-large eyes Puss.

I’ll admit there may be something wrong with me though, as I would much rather snuggle up with cuddly Puss than sweaty showoff Zorro.

BUT! That is beside the point. Today’s story, boys and girls, is aaaaaaaaall about ZORRO! PRAY FOR MERCY! AHA!

We start out with a bad guy, Montero, who has chosen three random townsfolk to be executed. This isn’t just because he’s mean as a snake; rather, he wants to lure Zorro into the center of town to capture him. But Zorro swoops in right on schedule and rescues the captives before tossing some forget-me-not jewelry to a couple of young brothers, Joaquin and Alejandro (henceforth known as Jo and Alex). After saving another day, Zorro rides home to his secret Batcave underneath the waterfall.

Here are two reasons to like Zorro right off the bat: his horse has a perm and he’s got a wicked cool fireplace. Anyway, he goes into the nursery to smooch on the cutest darn baby you’ve ever seen. This is his little girl Elena. In comes his wife, Esperanza. It should be noted that she’s obviously several years his junior; yeah, Zorro’s cool like that.

So anyway, Zorro’s all, “Whoa, let’s have five kids.”

And Esperanza’s all, “Sure, let’s do it.”

And they suck face. But UH-OH, there are some uniformed bullies in the foyer with Montero and they’re pretty determined to arrest Zorro. Zorro’s not having any of that though and he fights back. But Esperanza sees one of them coming after her hubby and she flings herself in the blade’s path. She dies. Duh.

Montero is not happy about this, because he loved Esperanza too. He tells Zorro that he never wanted any harm to come to her.

“She was never yours to protect.” – Zorro

Zing!

The baby is crying and Zorro makes for her, but Montero slams him down and makes off with Elena. See, that pisses me off right there. It’s a good thing this is a revenge picture. Gosh, I love revenge pictures.

It’s twenty years later, and Jo and Alex (the Murrieta brothers) are bandits. Is anybody surprised? Didn’t think so. The Brothers are working with Three-Fingered Jack. They’re a kinky gang, and after they rob you they tie you naked to cacti. As they ride off from their latest victory, they are met by some white soldiers. Three-Fingered Jack is shot down instantly and captured. Jo is wounded, but Alex runs and hides among the cacti. Rather than be killed by white folk, Jo shoots himself. Crazy white guy isn’t bothered. He just dismounts and lops off poor Jo’s head. Old Zorro’s fancy medallion goes flying. They carry the head off in a bag and Alex scoops up the medallion and cries a little, poor guy.

Cut to the nasty old jail. It’s Montero, and he’s got a few years on him. He’s come to look at the prisoners in hopes of finding old Zorro. But when the prisoners find out that’s who Montero wants, they all start claiming to be the masked man in black. But Sir Anthony’s eyes are instantly recognizable, and the audience can plainly see that he’s the quiet old dude who blows off his leg shackles and plays dead so that he can get hauled out.

Old Zorro is buried in a shallow grave and boy howdy, is it creepy when he comes busting out. Anyway, we see that Montero and creepy white soldier who beheaded Jo are in cahoots.

The town has assembled to greet Montero on his return. Old Zorro is there to kill him, but then he spots Elena (who grew up to be Catherine Zeta Jones) and exercises a little something I like to call “self control”, which is something a lot of men have trouble with when exposed to a beautiful woman (although if you ask me, her eyes are too squinty).

One of the locals presents Elena with some native flowers. Although she believes this to be her first visit to California, Elena thinks she recognizes their scent.

Cut to Alex, drunk and dirty in the bar. He slurs around drinking whiskey, but when he runs out of money he tries to pawn off his brother’s Zorro medallion for more booze. It is then that I began to realize that with a little more pot smoking, this would be an awesome Cheech and Chong movie.

Old Zorro creeps up and demands to know where the necklace came from. Alex tells him it was his dead brother's, then just happens to look up and spot the crazy white guy who killed him. It is then that Alex must utter the line that I’m sure is found in every spaghetti western ever made ever: “Thas tha man who keeled my brother.”

What follows is my favorite scene so far: drunken Alex tries to fight Zorro. He fails miserably.

“Would you care to try again?” – Old Zorro

Alex realizes that this is Zorro. Z takes Al back to his cave for a chat. Old Zorro signs Alex up for the Young Zorro training program; they talk about circles, and get to work. After they fight for a little while, Old Z takes the newbie to have a bath and a haircut.

At last Alex slips the mask on over those sexy milk chocolate eyes of his and runs smack dab into Elena on her horse. Her accent is horrible, but her hair is fabulous.

Alex has decided to steal the black horse he saw in town earlier. He sneaks into the stable and tries to reason with the animal.

“Listen… I’m going to give you the great honor… of being my horse.” – Alex

I know women who would like it if Antonio Banderas said that to them, but this Black Beauty is less than impressed and tries to throw him off.

Banderas runs into a church to hide and bumps into Father Felipe, Original Zorro’s good buddy from the old days. The priest sticks Alex into the confessional, not knowing that Elena was waiting to speak with him on the other side. Alex spots her and pretends to be the priest.

Elena: I have broken the fourth commandment, Padre.
Alex: You keeled somebody?
Elena: No! That is not the fourth commandment.
Alex: Of course not…In what way did you break THE MOST SACRED of commandments.
Elena: I dishonored my father.
Alex: That ees not so bad. Maybe your father deserved it.

Elena admits that she’s feeling a little lusty towards a bandit she saw. Alex tells her that’s cool and sends her on her way before cutting a hole in the top of the confessional and escaping.

Alex returns to Zorro to brag about his new horsy, but Diego is not impressed. Alex is getting antsy. He wants to do things his way and tries to storm off, but Diego stops him and knocks the sword out of his hand with a spoon. He then tells Alex that his next assignment will be going to a fancy dinner party dressed as a nobleman.

Somehow I feel it would make a bolder statement (and be far more entertaining) if he went to the party in a red dress and heels, but even Zorro isn’t man enough to pull that off.

Alex attends the dinner and manages to impress Montero and leap around doing a sexy dance with Elena. I can’t help but think that this part would have been much sexier if choreographed by Quentin Tarantino… but, I digress.

Alex is invited to the meeting of the Dons where Montero reveals his master plan to create The Independent Republic of California. The next day, Montero takes Alex and the Dons to El Dorado, a secret gold mine where criminals and poor folks are slaves, forced to work the mines. Montero’s evil master plan is to buy California from Santa Anna with this gold… of course, Santa Anna will have no idea the land was bought with his own money. Alex spots dirty, sad looking children working and is sad.

Suddenly Three-Fingered Jack appears. The old coot is still alive and working in the mines. He insults White Guy Solider, who shoots him again. The Dons laugh because someone said a funny word (“Peckerwood?”) and wander off, leaving Alex to go over and share a knowing smile with Three Fingered Jack before he shuffles off his mortal coil…this time for good.

As the men take to their coaches, White Guy tells Alex he wants to have a word with him in private, presumably because he is suspicious.

Meanwhile back at the stables, Elena has come to talk to Old Zorro about Alex.

Alex goes to see White Guy, who offers him a drink as he presents a jar with his brother’s head floating in it. He then produces a similar jar with Three-Fingered Jack’s crippled hand bobbing around. Besides the initial shock, Alex handles this well and manages to get out of there.

Elena is wandering around in the market when an older lady comes up and gives her a scarf. The woman claims she was Elena’s nanny, who hung flowers on her crib when she was little. Elena looks sick and refuses to accept the scarf.

Back in the Batcave, Diego convinces Alex that he has to steal the map to the mine from Montero’s house. Diego warns the men that Zorro is on to them by burning a huge Z into the field. White Guy Captain’s solution to the problem is to blow the mine – and all the people working there- to smithereens. Zorro manages to snatch the map right out from under their noses. At last, Alex comes face to face with White Guy. Some guards run up, and Alex has a very creative way of getting rid of them. He then returns White Guy’s sword so that they can fight fair, but I’m here to tell you that if that would have been me, I would have run that sucker through without a second thought, only stopping to utter the ominous whisper, “Dat was for my broder, you bastert.”

White Guy and Alex fight a while before the other soldiers show up. Alex escapes them, but Elena witnesses this. She follows Alex to the stables and demands the map that he stole from Montero. She pulls a sword on him. She really means business when she comes out of her robe.

Somehow Alex and Elena manage to make out and sword-fight at the same time. I truly feel that if more couples found a way to incorporate this particular kind of foreplay/jousting, the divorce rates would plummet. Subsequently, the birth rates would probably sky rocket, but who cares? Every baby could be great. Let’s ban abortions and mandate constant sex.

What was I saying? Oh yeah. Alex makes a few improvements to Elena’s wardrobe before smooching her hard and dashing away. Montero and Captain Crazy White Guy come running in, just missing the masked man. Montero asks Elena if she could recognize the man.

Elena: No…but he was young and vigorous. He was very vigorous, father.
Montero: Vigorous.
Elena: YES!

At this moment I must decree that “He was very vigorous, father” is the greatest line in this entire film. Also, the face Elena makes when she breathlessly and enthusiastically says “Yes!” even gets me a little excited.

Unfortunately, I’ve never had the good fortune to have my clothes shredded by a handsome, mocha-skinned bandito…but I’m still young.

I’ll cut to the chase. The Bad guys are all set to blow up the mine and all the workers, but Old Zorro sends Alex to release them on his own so that he can see to defeating Montero. He comes to Montero and forces him to tell Elena the truth. Diego doesn’t want Elena to see him killed, so he allows himself to be captured.

Diego – or rather, his stunt double- is thrown into prison, but Elena comes to rescue him. They head for the mine, where Alex is busy playing keep away with the gold bars. Diego and Montero fight while Alex and Captain Crazy have a showdown of their own. Elena begs her father to spare Montero’s miserable little life. Stupidly, he obliges and Montero holds a gun to Elena’s throat before shooting Diego.

Alex manages to avenge both his brother Jo and Three-Finger Jack and the wounded Diego hitches Montero to the wagon full of gold and sends it flying through the air, finally crushing Captain Dirtbag. Alex runs back to Elena. He isn’t wearing his mask anymore, so she sees his true idendity, but there’s no time to mack because they’ve got all these criminals and poor people to save.

Of course they set the people free and come walking triumphantly through the smoke with a couple of dirty waifs clinging to them. They come up on Diego, who is breathing his last. Diego finally passes the official Zorro title on to Alex and gooshes over Elena one last time. He gives the happy couple his blessings and croaks. Bummer for Elena, who had to lose two dads in one day, but only one of them was actually worth something.

Cut to Alex telling infamous Zorro stories to a cute baby boy, appropriately named Joaquin after Alex’s fallen brother.

Elena tells Alex she plans on dreaming about Zorro – join the club, sister- and wonders what face she should give him.

“He has been many different men, but he has loved you as all of them.” – Alex

They make out a bit more before the man in black –Zorro, not Johnny Cash- enters the frame to slash his fiery signature at us.

Believe it or not, this movie is really, really funny. Many times it’s paced more like a broad comedy than an adventure film. I liked this choice, as it adds to the whole grand Zorro legend that’s been built up over the years. Banderas is just as cute as he can be and I loved his antics with the horse. If for any reason I become a horse one day, that’s the kind I want to be. Saucy.

One last totally unrelated comment before I give my final ruling: Lately I have been getting flack from some of my comrades about the length of my hair. Some feel it is too long, adding to the illusion that I’m about 12 years old. Now, after seeing this movie, I feel I am finally prepared to defend myself against their accusations. From now on I will simply tell them that I keep my long hair for one reason and one reason only… to cover my Zetas when I’m playing Zorro.

FINAL GRADE: A+

Off in search of a mask,

M.

Day Eighteen: Entrapment

2010-01-21T13:27:00.000-08:00

ENTRAPMENT

Starring:
-Sean Connery
-Catherine Zeta Jones

Directed by: Jon Amiel

Screenplay Credits: Ron Bass & William Broyles

MPAA Rating: PG-13

Gin Baker (CZJ) is an investigator at Waverly Insurance. She has a bit of a fixation on Robert “Mac” MacDougal, a sixty year-old thief with immaculately groomed facial hair. She suspects Mac of stealing a priceless Rembrandt from an office and decides to go after him. She starts tailing him, only to return to her hotel room and find all of her clothes missing. Later that night she hears a strange noise in the room and looks up to find Mac lurking in the darkness. Any other man would be ogling her lecherously, but not Sean Connery. He’s too cool for that.

“Rule number two: Never trust a naked woman.” - Mac

This is very sound advice.

Gin has Mac think she’s a thief who’s interested in stealing this fancy Chinese mask. First Mac wants her to steal a vase from a smarmy art dealer. She tries, but botches the exchange and the pair ends up getting shot at as they hurry off. Luckily, she managed to make off with what was concealed inside the vase, a little black thing that looks like an ordinary film canister. This, we learn, contains the complete plans for the Bedford Palace security system. Bedford Palace is the known location of the target, that weird Chinese mask he’s so hot for.

Mac reveals that he can easily blackmail Gin at any point, so she better tow the line. They board a chopper to a remote Scottish castle – Mac’s beautiful home. Mac shows Gin to her room and lays down the law: in order to have complete trust between thieves, there can be nothing personal. Something tells me that this is one of those rules that was made to be broken.

The next morning they start going over the plans and Gin tells Mac that she was the one who stole the Rembrandt, and demonstrates her flexibility by climbing all over the walls and ceiling like a spider monkey. She boasts about her brilliant plan to steal the Rembrandt and sneak it into the mailroom where it would be mailed to the buyer. Mac gets the last laugh by returning to the room with the Rembrandt she stole. He had taken it from the mailroom. You barely notice Mac returning to the room with the painting because you're busy staring at Gin's rear end. Admit it.

Ving Rhames arrives at the castle with all of the supplies Mac will need to pull off the job. Gin has been swimming in the ocean for two hours, yet she emerges with perfect hair and makeup. Okay. Yeah.

Mac creates obstacle courses for her and they train together. Mac sniffs her hair. Uh oh. He blindfolds her and watches her slink through the laser course like a cat. She breaths deeply, he watches her. You get the idea.

Mac gives her a fancy dress. She says she’d like to get him something and heads toward town. Once she gets to a phone booth she stops and makes a call to her boss at the insurance place. Little does she know, Mac has the island bugged and hears every word she says. When Gin returns to the castle she finds a note from Mac that simply says, “UPSTAIRS.” She meets him there and he says ominous things. Finally he tells her they’ll be leaving in two hours for the Mask Ball at the Bedford Palace.

They get dressed and ready and I’ve never seen anybody who can fill a tux better than Sean Connery. Have mercy.

While at the ball they work the room, plant a few special spy devices here and there, and Mac synchronizes his watch with the grand clock.

The thieves break into the secret underwater entrance and up through the showroom floor with a series of perfectly time blasts. Gin hops up and starts maneuvering her way through the series of lasers beams. She makes it to the mask and switches it with one of a monkey. The two of them go back the way they came and she hands off the mask. They play truth or dare. I’ve never played it with the possibility of drowning the loser, but they do things a little differently in Scotland. Gin convinces Mac that her job at the insurance firm is just a cover and that the job she needs help with is even bigger than she originally promised it would be.

Mac heads off with her to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, where she plans to lift $8 billion from the International Clearance Bank in Petronas Towers. The theft has to take place in the final seconds of the Millennium countdown; this will be there only chance.

“It’s impossible…but doable.” - Mac

Mac goes on a tour to investigate the towers and takes pictures of their connecting bridge, which is currently being covered in Christmas lights. His feelings have grown for Gin, but this doesn’t stop him from swiping the Chinese mask and giving it to Ving Rhames, so she beats him with a chair.

He drags her to the floor and they struggle a little while until he finally grabs her hands and holds her still. At this moment, I was forced to pause the DVD and step away from the television for a few moments. Whew.

When I managed to cool down enough to return to the movie, Mac and Gin finally smooch a little.

“I hate alone. Alone sucks.” - Gin

He stops things in their tracks and they cuddle some, which is disappointing for me, as I have really been enjoying living vicariously through their little flirtation thing.

Gin gets pulled off the street by the insurance boss Hector and his goons. Ving has been spying on Gin and Mac and feeding information to Hector, so naturally he’s become suspicious.

I don’t want to spoil everything for you, but I will say thank goodness for festive Christmas lights, parachutes, and train stations.

This is a very cool movie. Like any good caper, you’re never totally sure what’s truth and what’s bull, but the crooks get away in the end, which is what everybody wants. There’s tons of neat gadgetry and cool thief moves and it really makes you want to do something covert and mysterious that you’re bound to feel guilty about later.

Fun fact: Sean Connery is 79 years old. And bald. And there isn’t a woman in the world who cares about either of those things.

Also, I love the way Connery says, “girrrrrlfriend.”

I reserve the grade of A+ for those films that leave me with a certain happy, buzzy feeling. It’s that feeling where there are no unanswered questions and everything has worked out perfectly, though maybe not in the way you expected. Not only does this movie have all of those characteristics, it leaves you wanting to see more of Mac and Gin’s adventures, which is something I wish more screenwriters would strive for. Happy endings are good, but after a movie like this, everybody wants part two of the story.

FINAL GRADE: A+

Day Seventeen: Public Enemies

2010-01-18T15:23:00.001-08:00

PUBLIC ENEMIES

Starring:
-Johnny Depp
-Christian Bale

Directed by: Michael Mann

Screenplay Credits: Ronan Bennett, Ann Biderman, & Michael Mann

MPAA Rating: R – gangster violence and some language

In retrospect, I really should have known that this movie was not going to end happily. Heck, it wasn’t even going to end pleasantly. I’m a smart woman. I should have been able to call that one right off the bat. Sadly, I got a little too invested in the whole doomed romance thing (so sue me, I’m a chick) and ended the movie wanting some chocolate ice cream and a good cuddle. Deep down, I suppose I knew that a love story with that many machine guns would be ill fated, but I’m always on board for seeing a happy couple ride off into the sunset.

I’m not giving this one the standard review because, frankly, this movie was so all over the place that even I’m not entirely certain how everything went down. I know I wasn’t firing on all cylinders when I watched it, so that may have added to the confusion also.

Here is the basic gist. Grumpy FBI agent Melvin Purvis really has his panties in a wad because nobody can catch John Dillinger. Everybody gets really P.O.’ed when Dillinger and a few of his buddies pull off a snazzy jailbreak to free some of their gang. They go on a crime spree robbing banks like nobody’s business and wind up in a hotel where Dillinger meets homely, bug-eyed coat check girl Billie Frenchette. Billie takes up with John and they’ve almost got a Bonnie and Clyde thing going on, but not quite.

Things are looking good for John. He’s got oodles of money and Billie is spread-eagled in the bathtub. Sadly, before we get into any sudsy Johnny Depp action, the feds bust in and start arresting everything with a pulse.

John gets in, breaks out, gets in, breaks out, you know the drill. Finally Billie gets arrested for helping John, and he’s pretty bummed. While the cops are all out investigating a tip, John just walks right into the Dillinger Squad Headquarters and goes around looking at all their surveillance pictures and case information. This is my favorite scene in the movie, and if I ever become a ruthless bank robber, I sincerely hope I have the guts (and the luck!) to go waltzing around unnoticed in plain view.

Inevitably, some Romanian madam sells Dillinger out because the Feds threaten to have her deported. So here comes Johnny out of the movie theatre and wham bam, thank you ma’am, he gets shot in the back of the head. He goes down hard, spurting blood from a tiny hole in his cheek. My pal Orry agrees with me that said goopy blood looked more like KC Masterpiece Barbeque Sauce, but whatever.

On the technical side of things, this film is really dark. I know you’re thinking, “Duh, it’s a gangster movie,” but I‘m not talking about tone, I’m talking lighting. Some scenes actually made me squint.

I couldn’t always understand what was being said, but Depp could have been saying, “Watermelon, watermelon,” over and over again and I wouldn’t have cared because homebody is straight up fine.

It’s also a little confusing because not only does everybody drive the same car, everybody (with the exception of Bale and Depp) actually looks like a roughhousing gangster, and in some scenes it’s nearly impossible to tell the crooks from the cops.

This is more of a personal thing, but I hate films where big hateful men tie women to chairs and slap them around. I know it’s just a movie, but scenes like that upset me in strange ways. I can’t really explain it. I just want to transport myself into the film and go all Lorena Bobbitt on the creep.

I was similarly unimpressed with the big finish. It was sort of… anticlimactic. Here these poor schmucks have been chasing this narcissistic psycho all over the country - he’s outfoxing them at every turn and working that trigger finger like it’s nothing – and when they finally shoot him they just stand around looking at each other going “Now what?”

I did really enjoy the nicknames. Pretty Boy Floyd and Baby Face Nelson were among the coolest I remember hearing. Since seeing this one, I’ve decided that I too need a gangster nickname. I’m open to suggestions, but for now I’ve decided to call myself Legs McCullough.

My enemies better take heed and stay away from dark alleys; Legs is liable to go all Dillinger on them at any moment.

In closing, if I was Johnny Depp, I think I’d just make another pirate movie and see that my freakishly thin French girlfriend gets a bath and a juicy cheeseburger… in that order.

FINAL GRADE: B –

Off in search of cuddly ice cream,

M.

Day Sixteen: Julie & Julia

2010-01-18T14:22:00.000-08:00

JULIE & JULIA

Starring:
-Meryl Streep
-Amy Adams
-Stanley Tucci

Directed By: Nora Ephron

Screenplay Credits: Nora Ephron

MPAA Rating: PG-13 – Brief strong language and some sensuality

First of all, let me go on record as saying that Meryl Streep does the infamous Julia Child voice insanely well. This is a big admittance for me, as I have never been a big Streep fan. Kramer vs. Kramer is annoying, that one film she made with Anne Hathaway was just pointless, and Mamma Mia made me want to drown puppies (not really, I’m actually a hardcore fan of puppies). Anyway, I enjoyed her performance in this film.

Julie Powell is nearly thirty and all bummed because she talks to the families of 9/11 victims all day and is an unsuccessful writer. Her husband Eric – whom she calls a saint and let me tell you, he would have to be in order to put up with all her psycho mood swings, just saying – encourages her to start a blog to give her a hobby and help her find herself. He signs her up and she begins an impossible challenge: cooking her way through all the recipes in Julia Child’s “Mastering the Art of French Cooking.”

Meanwhile, many, many years ago, Julia and her husband Paul have moved to France because he works for the government and is bald, but we’re not going to hold either of those things against him. Julia loves France, but she’s not like all the other wives. She needs something to do besides stand around and be tall. She considered hat making classes and bridge lessons before finally settling on attending cooking school.

The film flips back and forth between Julie and Julia’s stories, and is far more interesting and effective than Powell’s book – and possibly even her blog- could have ever been. I think that when Powell got her book deal, she wanted to throw in everything but the kitchen sink to impress everybody with her mad Harper Lee skills. She failed. Instead of focusing strictly on the blog and how it impacted her life, she went off chasing all kinds of non-food related rabbits, detailing her best friend’s infidelity, and whining about her health problems. Boo hoo lady, tell us about the food.

Okay, okay, back to the movie review.

Thanks to her special Hermann Munster shoes, Streep towers head and shoulders over the rest of the cast, repeatedly threatening to squash the life right out of poor Stanely Tucci should she fall. For those of us cynical people who enjoy poking fun at any and everyone, there’s a brief shout-out to Dan Ackroyd’s Saturday Night Live version of Julia, “Damn! I just cut the hell out of my finger!”

And, maybe it’s just me, but I can’t decide whether Adams’ haircut makes her look more like a lesbian or a pixie. Either way, it isn’t very flattering.

You know, I remember watching The French Chef on TV when I was a kid. It used to come on Public Television right before Bob Ross and his “happy little clouds.” Julia Child was unpredictable and hilarious in her kitchen. Not in a Three Stooges kind of way, but still really funny. So I went into this film with fairly high standards and, for the most part, they were met.

One last thing, I had totally forgotten about pop beads until seeing this movie. I used to have a big bag of them. Wonder where they are?

FINAL GRADE: B+

Off in search of pop beads,

M.

Day Fifteen: L.A. Story

2010-01-15T23:10:00.000-08:00

L.A. STORY

Starring:
-Steve Martin
-Victoria Tennant
-Marilu Henner

Directed by: Mick Jackson

Screenplay Credits: Steve Martin

MPAA Rating: PG-13

Okay, so I’m a little biased. THE JERK is one of my favorite movies, and I just know that no matter how many stops L.A. STORY pulls out, it simply isn’t going to be as good. I guess it’s wrong to shoot this one down before I even sit down to watch it, but I can’t help myself. Put down your pitchforks, people. Not everything Steve Martin touches is solid gold. Remember ROXANNE? Of course you don’t.

Okay. Pressing the play button now.

It’s a beautiful day in Los Angeles. Gorgeous women lounge by the pool. Suburban neighbors clad in bathrobes waltz out their front doors to fetch their morning papers. Limos full of important people cruise up and down the strip. You get the idea. Life is good here.

Harris Telemacher (Martin) is enjoying his morning workout at the stationary bike-riding park (no running allowed). Harris isn’t one to wait for traffic, so he takes his regular shortcut to work, driving across neighbors’ yards and driveways, through sewers, even down several flights of cement stairs in order to arrive in time. As soon as he swings into his designated parking space, he is ambushed by his costumers and makeup crew, who prepare him for the camera.

Harris is a “wacky weekend weatherman” for the local television station. His weather report is… interesting, to say the least. It’s certainly more of a comedy bit that a useful, informative segment, and the desk anchors’ disdain for him is obvious.

Harris heads back to his apartment to fiddle with a Newton’s Cradle, which makes me feel rather churlish because I always thought they were cool and bought one for myself with my babysitting money when I was in the fifth grade and my mom’s horrible cat knocked it off my desk and broke it into about twelve tiny pieces and I was never reimbursed for that even though it was her stupid cat that broke it and I purchased it with my very own hard-earned money and am still very bitter about it.

Marilu Henner is wearing a very bright pink blazer and messing with her lips. Steve Martin harangues her about how long it takes her to get ready. The couple is headed out to have lunch with “friends and friends of friends.” Exasperated, Steve goes to wait for her in the car. When she finally leaves the apartment, she’s now in yellow and wondering whether or not she should head back in to change. They make it to the freeway, where Steve has a shootout with a truck driver and an old lady. At last they make it to the café. Marilu shrieks obnoxiously as all of her friends arrive. She clamors to hug and kiss them. They all look like incredibly fake jerks. Some of them even have bandages from recent plastic surgeries.

Marilu: Sheila has been studying the art of conversation.
Harris: Oh, you’re taking a course in conversation?
Sheila: …yes.
*silence*

Suddenly a charmingly offbeat woman arrives, fresh off a plane from London, joins her friends and takes a seat at the table, and starts pulling boomerangs out of her bag. Her name is Sarah and she’s here to write an article on L.A. for the London Times. An earthquake hits. Glasses start clinking and tables start shifting around. The Californians don’t bat an eye. They all order irritatingly fancy coffees and bid each other adieu.

Harris is clearly charmed by Sarah’s goofiness and goes to a trendy fashion boutique to try on a pair of freakishly white pants. A young, spunky looking salesgirl (Sarah Jessica Parker) lies between his legs to measure his inseam. Harris decides to buy the pants and SJP tells him he can come back for them Wednesday.

On the way home from the shop, the car breaks down on the side of the freeway, directly in front of a signpost. Harris pops the hood and is looking around inside the car when the signpost starts to write messages for him. It says “HIYA” and “R. U. OK?” before asking Harris to hug it. Although he feels silly, Harris hugs the signpost. The signpost is pleased. It tells Harris that it sees people in trouble and stops them. According to the sign, L.A. wants to help Harris. It then gives Harris a riddle to solve, “U Will know what 2 do when u unscramble how daddy is doing.”

Marilu drops Harris off at his place. The next morning shows both Harris and Sarah waking up in their respective beds. Sarah takes a shower… Harris takes his blood pressure. Harris decides to take a shower too, and turns the shower knob from “ON” to “SLO MO” so he can move in slow motion to match the dreamy background music. The mail arrives while Harris is munching a bowl of cereal. He slides the wastebasket over to the mail slot to catch all the junk. Sarah sits serenely on her patio, wearing nothing but a soft white bathrobe and practicing her tuba.

Harris goes to pick up his friend Ariel at her apartment.

“I could never be a woman. I would just stay home and play with my breasts all day.” – Harris

They go to the county art museum armed with only a video camera and a pair of sneakers with wheels that pop out, turning them into roller skates. Ariel films him skating wildly through each wing of the museum.

“I call it performance art, but my friend Ariel calls it wasting time. History will decide.” – Harris

Sarah shows up, ready for her tour of the city. They cruise around looking at fancy houses and museums before winding up in the cemetery. Rick Moranis is hard at work digging a grave, but stops the pair to crack a few jokes.

“Finally. A funny gravedigger.” - Harris

Gravedigger Rick offers up a skull, and Sarah makes the obvious Shakespeare reference. They flirt a bit before both leaving for work. At the studio, Harris pre-tapes the weekend weather report, loudly declaring that L.A. will have sun, sun, and more sun. Of course, the weekend brings buckets of rain. Harris finally heads down to the trendy fashion place to pick up his pants where he bumps into SJP again. She’s dancing in the rain and tells him his pants aren’t ready before having him write his number on her palm. On the drive home, Harris passes the signpost, which now reads, “U SHOULD HAVE GOT HER NUMBER.”

The phone rings in Harris’ apartment and it’s SJP inviting him to Hard Rock Café. He goes and learns that her name is SanDeE*.

“Big ‘s’, small ‘a’, small ‘n’, big ‘d’, small ‘e’ big ‘e’. With a little star at the end.” – SanDeE

That’s too much trouble to type, so I’m just going to call her SJP still. SJP tells him she’s studying to be a spokesmodel, and she’s trying a new open relationship with her geeky looking boyfriend.

Harris: What made you want to be a spokesmodel?
SJP: Well, I always liked pointing.

SJP asks him if he’s ever had a high colonic before smooching him wildly and saying goodnight. The next day, Marilu Henner confesses that she’s been sleeping with his agent… for three years.

“This has been going on since the 80s!?!?!” – Harris

Harris is thrilled to be out of his relationship and his partnership with his crummy agent. He celebrates with a crazy dance before going to have a chat with the signpost. The signpost informs Harris that the weather is going to change his life…twice.

Harris is then fired from the station. That’s one. Harris goes to see Ariel to vent about his relationship woes.

“If confusion about your love life is ruining your day, I think it’s good to go over to your best friend’s house and ruin her day, too.” – Harris

“I hate to tell you this, Harris, but if you can find somebody you can have sex with AND lie in bed and watch TV with, you’ve really got something.” - Ariel

SJP takes Harris out for a lunch, then an enema at the California Colonic Institute. Patrick Stewart gives Harris a hard time about getting a reservation at a swank new restaurant, so he and SJP decided to go to Santa Barbara for the weekend.

He goes off skating through another museum with Ariel, but slips in a wet spot on the floor and ends up crashing into Sarah, of all people, and one of their mutual pals. The foursome ends up walking around together analyzing works. They stop at one and Harris goes into great detail describing the torrid scene, but when the camera shoots it, it’s only a huge canvas of red splotches.

They decide to go to dinner together and wind up at the fancy place Harris couldn’t get in before. The waiter even offers them dental floss: “diet or regular?” After the meal, Sarah drives Harris home. They’re standing outside the car when it begins to roll away. The keys are locked inside. Sarah and Harris try to stop the car until the lights pop on and the doors magically open. Harris realizes that this must be a sign and tells Sarah to hurry and get in the car. The car coasts them straight to the signpost off the freeway, which reads: KISS HER, YOU FOOL. He does, but he doesn’t really manage to get her attention. The sign says: KISS HER AGAIN. He does. They stare at each other a moment before she drives him home.

Later that night, Sarah calls her mom and the two of them play “Doo Wah Diddy” over the speakerphone. Harris dreams about the signpost’s mysterious riddle: How Daddy Is Doing.

Harris and Sarah go to a fancy little dinner party and sneak out to the garden for a few moments to watch a baby deer. When they return to the table, their hair is mussed and the top three buttons on her dress are undone. Ahem. They go for a walk in the city and Harris tells her that he’s got his job back, only now he’s going to be a serious weatherman. They turn into kids, which I assume is metaphorical for how young they feel together, blah, blah, blah.

I’ll skip to the good stuff. Turns out Harris and SJP and Sarah and her ex are all staying at the same hotel in Santa Barbara.

Harris: Sandee, your breasts feel weird.
SJP: Oh, that’s because they’re real.
*they tumble into bed*
Harris: All right now, I should warn you that I’m old and it might take a little while to… OH MY ---, I’M YOUNG AGAIN!”

Harris and Sarah bump into each other and have it out (“marriage, kids, old age, and death”). Sarah tells him it’s no use, she’s going back to London.
Cut to the airport. Sarah boards the plane…fastens her seatbelt… it looks like she’s really going. Harris sits in his darkened apartment, breathing deeply and looking glum. Suddenly, a storm rolls in. A BIG ONE! With crazy wind and rain and dark rolling clouds! Sarah’s plane can’t take off. The weather has changed Harris’ life yet again. Sarah takes a taxi to his house and the two kiss in the rain.

“A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.” – Harris

Harris and Sarah go to the sign to thank it for bringing them together. Sarah finally unscrambles the “daddy” riddle to say: SING DOO WAH DIDDY.

This is a clever movie. I do like it, but it can’t do what THE JERK does to me. Then again, few things can. I need to take a moment to mention how jealous I am that SJP got to roll around with Steve Martin. I mean, sure he’s 43 years my senior… age is just a number. Especially when we’re talking about Steve Martin.

I’ll give this one an A.

Off in search of popcorn,

M.

Day Fifteen: Beowulf & Grendel

2010-01-15T18:15:00.000-08:00

BEOWULF & GRENDEL

Starring:
-Gerard Butler
-Stellan Skarsgard
-Sarah Polley
-Ingvar Sigurdsson

Directed by: Sturla Gunnarsson

Screenplay Credits: Andrew Rai Berzins

MPAA Rating: R – violence, language, and some sexuality

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “The only reason she’s doing this movie is so she can stare at dirty, long-haired Gerard Butler in various stages of undress.”

And you would be right.

I see no reason to be ashamed of my feelings.

The year is 500 A.D. We’re watching a little baby toddler troll frolic and play with his big daddy troll in a pretty meadow. But uh-oh. Mean human soldiers on horseback are riding hard and heading straight for the troll family, determined to put a stop to all this frivolity. Big daddy troll grabs up little troll (How freaky is it to see a toddler with facial hair? Very.) and makes a run for it. They come up on a cliff, so Big Daddy hides little toddler on a little shelf on the side of the cliff and turns to face the approaching soldiers.

The soldiers aren’t happy, obviously. Soldiers rarely are in movies, unless they’ve got a weekend pass and are hitting up a bordello in Shanghai. They kill poor Mr. Troll and, although the main soldier man spots little baby toddler, he is silent and has his men ride on.

Toddler baby goes wandering off down the beach to find his Troll Daddy. When he finds his ole pappy’s lifeless body, he pokes at it a few minutes before finally deciding he’s dead and whacking his head off. Weird, I know, but just go with it. He cuddles the head a few moments, then carries it home, sets it up on a shelf, and stares at it for the next twenty or so years until he himself becomes a full grown troll with incredibly hairy legs.

He’s still really upset about the whole murder thing. You can tell by how he sits there rocking in the fetal position and moaning. So he goes up on a mountaintop to scream and beat himself in the head with a rock. You think I’m kidding, but I’m not.

So the troll waits until nightfall to come skulking down out of the mountains. He hits the night watchman on the head, then creeps into the great hall where all the soldiers are sleeping and tears them apart. Most of them have had their heads torn off, but some of them are hanging decoratively from hooks in the ceiling. Needless to say, the King of Danes isn’t happy to find all his men dead, but he really shouldn’t have killed that poor troll’s daddy. Hindsight really is 20/20.

Cut to Geatland, where Gerard Butler comes slogging his fine self out from the ocean. He comes up on a greasy old man and tells him that his name is Beowulf and that he was out hunting walrus when “a storm came up and ate our boat.” The man – who is largely unintelligible- gives Beowulf a bowl of grub and lets him sit by his fire.

You can’t always tell what Gerard is saying either, but he’s drop dead gorgeous, so it doesn’t matter much. Anyway, Beowulf vows to avenge the Danes. So he and his buddies load up on a boat (he’s got his swim trunks, and his flippy floppies) and head out. Beowulf is leaning on the side of the boat looking all pensive when a hand reaches out of the ocean and makes a grab for him. Everybody nods thoughtfully like this means something, but I have no idea what.

Cut back to the King, who has his remaining men out and about with torches, calling for the troll and demanding a rematch. The troll creeps up on one of the soldiers, clocks him so hard his head twists around backwards, then launches the corpse at the king. The King and the Troll lock eyes. It’s all very dramatic until the troll scampers off and the King stands there screaming, “TROOOOLLLLLLL!” for a while.

A mangled ship washes up on the shore and the King has the fallen soldier’s body burned. The Queen goes to see her witch friend Selma to make sure that the troll isn’t going to squash her husband. Selma assures her that her husband will die happily in his sleep.

Beowulf and his homies roll up on the shore and are met by one of the King’s men. They timidly approach each other, being all respectful and stuff, and I can’t help but think about how different the world would be if women had been running things. Beowulf’s men are lead into the village, and Big B is instantly captivated with Selma, probably because she’s all sexy and windblown. The King comes running out of the hall in his nightshirt to greet the newcomers.

KING: Beowulf! Somehow I think of you smaller…
BEOWULF: I was eight when I left.

Beowulf comes in for a beer and checks out all the women. Then he gets up and makes a big speech about how he’s gonna beat the crap outta that darn troll and kill him until he’s dead.

That very night the troll comes to their front porch, pees all over the door and groans really inappropriately then vanishes. What’s next, a flaming bag of dog poop? Is he going to roll their yard?

So the next day the soldiers set out on a quest to climb the troll’s mountain and pay him a little visit. They travel on horseback as long as they can, but eventually they must continue up the steep and rocky cliff on foot.

“I tell ya, this troll must be one tough prick. Do this climb every night after supper?” – Soldier

The troll’s a sharp fella, so he’s got his hillside outfitted with a few booby-traps to slow the soldiers up. I know Gerard needs his goofy helmet for cranial protection and all, but I do wish he’d take it off once and awhile to let me ogle him. Don’t judge me too harshly, because this is very light ogling. It’s more like a quick glance, then my imagination fills in the rest. See, when men ogle, they’re creepy and lecherous about it. Women ogling take one look at the guy, then close their eyes and try to imagine him smoking a pipe by the fire and reading “Twas the Night Before Christmas” to their three beautiful children. That’s how women ogle.

Anyway, with the soldiers busy climbing, troll man is playing bowling with a bunch of decomposing severed heads. When he pegs one, he skips around and prances, tumbling and giggling like a little girl at a gymnastics meet.

The soldiers take a break by a beautiful waterfall and the priest takes the opportunity to baptize any soldiers who are antsy about meeting their maker sooner than previously anticipated. But Beowulf has no time for the healing waters, as he must rush off and flirt with crazy haired sexy witch lady. She is cold as ice, let me tell you, and she warns Beowulf that the troll’s death will be bad for both the Geats and the Danes. She leaves him with one parting admonition to be careful with the things he doesn’t understand.

Beowulf comes to the King and asks him if there is maybe some reason that the troll is all hell bent on killing soldiers. At nightfall the men hear strange sounds and come running out of their hidey-hole. Boy howdy, Gerard has his action movie hero face down pat.

The next day, Beowulf is chilling in Selma’s hut when he hears a noise. He races outside and spots Grendel lumbering off. Beowulf chases after him, but Grendel refuses to fight.

“Why should he? You’ve done nothing to him.” – Selma

Beowulf asks Selma why Grendel was hanging out around her hut, but she puts him off. Then he goes to the King and asks if he has an opinion as to why Mr. Troll is only after the Danes. The King pulls a Selma and skirts the issue. Beowulf and his buds roll up on a village crazy (and terrible over-actor) who knows where Grendel’s cave is. The man leads them there, but the cliff is so high they don’t have rope to get down to it. One of the men pees off the side of the cliff and they leave. On the boat ride home, Beowulf spots a little redheaded boy leaping around the rocks. That weird sea creature hand comes up from the water and tries to grab one of the men off the boat, but the others pull him back.

The next morning, the village crazy is found dead and beaten to a bloody pulp outside the hall. Beowulf’s all like “bummer,” but I’m happy about it because it means there’ll be no more watching him try to act.

At last they get a long enough rope and sneak into Grendel’s cave. Grendel is a very messy housekeeper, or maybe he just wasn’t expecting guests. Either way, one of Beowulf’s men discovers the shrine to Grendel’s daddy and crushes the nasty old skull. He’s looking really happy with himself, but the other soldiers just stand there with their jaws hanging open in disbelief. None of them say anything, but I’m pretty sure they’re all thinking something along the lines of: “Duuuude.”

When Grendel comes home to find the smashed skull he’s pretty upset, but looks to me like it could be fixed with some Krazy Glue. Grendel sniffs the skull, then goes out on the cliff to clap and moan and throw rocks and smear blood all over his face.

Again, may I point out, if these were women, they’d all get together for lunch, vent out their frustrations, have a good cry, and become BFFs. Not so with the men.

Naturally, Grendel impales the night guard and then runs into the hall to snap necks and stuff. Gerard thinks he’s pretty slick, so he tackles Grendel and tries to tie him up. Obviously this doesn’t work. Grendel shakes him off and runs free. But he does leap off the roof of the hall and get his arm caught in one of Beowulf’s traps. Rather than be a prisoner, Grendel hacks his own arm off at the shoulder and goes running off. It’s gross.

He runs down to the beach and into the water, where he finally sinks down and dies. That creepy hand comes up to grab him and drag him off and he back-floats out of the frame. The King admits to Beowulf that he killed Grendel’s father. Beowulf asks why the king killed the troll.

“He took a fish.” – King

Seriously? A fish? This whole movie has been about fish theft? Geez.

The men are celebrating and passing Grendel’s arm around like a trophy. They toast to the end of gloom and grab up some wenches to paw on. Beowulf and the King talk about bestiality, but it’s okay because when Gerard Butler laughs, even the angels weep with joy.

Gerry goes to see Selma. She finally tells him that Grendel burst in one night and had his creepy troll way with her (for about two seconds). This gets Gerry all hot and bothered and he makes a move, but Selma slaps him. Then she thinks better of it and jumps his bones.

A big creepy sea hag rolls into the hall, sees her baby’s arm nailed to a post and screeches like a banshee. She snatches the arm and takes off. The soldiers hurry down to the sea caves and Gerry swims down further to investigate. He finds Grendel’s body lying under a waterfall. The sea hag shrieks again and tries to choke Beowulf. He brains her with a rock, finds a sword, and kills her. Out from behind the rocks comes the little red-headed boy, also brandishing a sword. Gerry makes the connection that this is Grendel and Selma’s creepy love child.

Beowulf warns Selma that the Danes will kill the kid if they find out about him. Then he buries Grendel on the beach and builds a stone memorial honoring him. The kid watches from the rocks and cries a little, and Beowulf and his remaining men sail home.

This is an interesting one, but not necessarily in a good way. The language is terrible – seriously people, if you’re going to curse, do it well- and the dialogue is, at times, painfully bad. The scenery and the leading actor are both gorgeous, but that’s really all this movie has going for it. Don’t waste your time.

D-

Off in search of popcorn,

M.

Day Fourteen: That's Entertainment

2010-01-14T13:49:00.000-08:00

THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT

Written, Produced, & Directed by: Jack Haley, Jr.

When this film hit theatres in 1974, it was preceded with a publicity reel with the tagline, “Boy, do we need it now.” This musical documentary was pulled together to help celebrate the 50th anniversary of MGM Studios. Haley cut together some of the greatest moments of MGM musicals, presented by some of the stars of those movies. This movie really does have nearly every MGM great you could ever think of, including Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire, Bing Crosby, the love of my life Jimmy Stewart, Esther Williams, Elizabeth Taylor, Jimmy Durante, Debbie Reynolds, Peter Lawford, Liza Minnelli, Donald O’Conner, Mickey Rooney, and Frank Sinatra.

After the overture, the film’s dedication reads:

“Over the years, under the leadership of Louis B. Mayer and others, MGM produced a series of musical films whose success and artistic merit remain unsurpassed in motion picture history. There were literally thousands of people…artists, craftsmen, and technicians…who poured their talents into the creation of the great MGM musicals. This film is dedicated to them.”

Frank Sinatra comes waltzing out of an MGM office building to set the mood of the film and introduces scenes from some of the earliest musicals of the 1930s, 40s, and 50s.

One scene in particular is “A Pretty Girl is Like a Melody.” It’s outstandingly extravagant. Imagine a backdrop of twinkling stars, hundreds of tuxedo-clad men and women wearing nothing but ruffles on an ENORMOUS revolving staircase. Seriously, this thing is huge. There’s no telling how long it took to build, or how much money it cost. If they wanted to film a number like that these days, they’d just CGI the staircase and call it a day.

In another clip, Jimmy Durante tells a young, young, YOUNG Frank Sinatra, “Why, you could be as big as Bing!” haha

Elizabeth Taylor glides down a staircase in a blue and silver muumuu to talk about coming to MGM at the tender age of 10. She does have beautiful eyes, but I don’t think they’re violet like people say. I think they’re just plain old blue. Anyway, Liz talks briefly about Lena Horne, one of the whitest black women (with the biggest mouth) I’ve ever seen. I’m sorry to say that most of you will only remember Lena as that lady who sang “How Do You Do?” with Grover on Sesame Street.

We then spend entirely too much time on June Allyson, whom I’ve never cared for. She’s too…smiley. But her frequent co-star Peter Lawford is pretty darn cute in a lanky, British Jew sort of way.

Lawford himself strolls out of one of the sets looking like a Carradine brother with shaggy silver hair and a cowboy jacket to present more clips. He hands the mic to Jimmy Stewart, who discusses the change over from silent films to talkies, and the problem of finding musical talent. A young Joan Crawford –who was a total slut, rest her soul- and Jean Harlow were both dramatic actresses who tried to be musical stars. Neither found success in this endeavor. One film, a musical called “Susie” cast the biggest love of my life, Cary Grant, opposite Harlow. Grant talk/sings his way through his big musical number. Apparently he thinks he’s Maurice Chevalier, because he’s got a crazy lot of vibrato going on there. Stewart himself and Clark Gable are other actors the studio tried unsuccessfully to force into the musical mold. While Gable was a surprisingly good dancer, his singing is about what you’d expect it to be. Imagine him with straw hat and cane singing “Puttin’ on the Ritz.” Go ahead. Laugh. You know you want to.

At last we get to Judy Garland, and all the homosexuals in the audience breathe a sigh of relief. Mickey Rooney comes toddling down the Andy Hardy set to talk about being raised in the studio. Mickey’s all well and good, but all people really want to talk to him about is his pal Judy. I don’t think the two of them ever made a picture together that didn’t feature the line, “How ‘bout it, kids?!” enthusiastically delivered. Poor Mickey. Judy’s talent wasn’t the only thing that eclipsed him.

We move on to Gene Kelly, another man whom I will love until I draw my dying breath. He’s incredibly comical and effortless all at the once. He talks about tappers, namely Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. It is important to note that Ginger Rogers did absolutely everything Fred did… only she did it backwards and in heels. Up hill! Both ways! In the snow!

Remember that scene in “Royal Wedding” where Fred Astaire dances all over the walls and the ceiling, seemingly all in one continuous shot? Yeah, if anybody has any insights on how the heck they did that, I’ve wanted to know my entire life.

Donald O’Conner comes out to talk about Esther Williams and all the leading men she swam with. Esther was pretty amazing. I can’t open my eyes underwater, and she’s down there whooping out all those mermaid moves, holding her breath, and smiling. With her eyes open and everything.

Donald switches things to Debbie Reynolds, who talks about the meal MGM once gathered all its heavy-hitters to enjoy. The camera pans across people like Gene Kelly, Ann Miller, Sinatra, Gable, Hepburn, Tracy, Angela Lansbury, young Howard Keel and countless others gabbing and stuffing their faces. It’s so strange to see all of them sitting beside one another just like… well, like they’re normal people.

We briefly mention Ann Miller before switching over to look at Kathryn Grayson a moment. Donald O’Conner makes ‘em laugh before the Show Boat full of garishly dressed thespians rolls in and I’m reminded of what a terrible father Howard Keel is. In the movie, I mean. Still, he was a sexy, sexy terrible father. A lot of people forget that this movie has Agnes Moorehead in it – Endora from Bewitched- but she’s there in all her harping, shrewish glory. It also has Ava Gardener, and Marge and Gower Champion, the coolest married couple dance team just ever. And, I’m gonna go ahead and admit this, every time a big black man sings “Old Man River” I have a hard time keeping it together. For some reason, that song cracks me up. I know it’s really inappropriate, because it’s about the pain of black people, but I can’t help it. That’s just how I feel.

Ooooooooold maaaan riiiiiveeeerrrrrr, he jusssssssssssss’ keeeeeeps rollin’, aaaaaaaaaaalooooooooooooooooong!

Come on. That’s funny.

Fred Astaire comes walking past the dilapidated train station set to talk about Gene Kelly’s “rough and tumble kind of acrobatic dancing” and BOY has he got some muscular legs. I mean, Astaire doesn’t actually say that, but he’s probably thought it before.

“Seven Brides for Seven Brothers” has long been one of my favorites, and not just because barrel-chested Howard Keel manhandles a bevy of beautiful women, tickling them all with his fake facial hair. Okay, that’s actually the main reason.

Leslie Caron isn’t one of my favorites, nor is GIGI, but I do love the aforementioned Chevalier in a top hat singing “Thank Heaven for Little Girls.” Of course, Leslie Caron also co-starred in AN AMERICAN IN PARIS with Gene Kelly, a film that both Sinatra and I consider to be MGM’s masterpiece. I will never forget the first time I saw this one. I remember being absolutely captivated.

This is going to make me sound like an old person, but I’m going to say it anyway. They don’t make them like they used to. It seems to me that gone are the days of watching big stars play all over sweeping sets, dancing in fountains and leaping off the walls. You won’t see spectacle and magic like this in films anymore, only naked woman and explosions. Don’t get me wrong, I love explosions as well as the next guy, but there’s nothing in the world like seeing huuuuge musical numbers with hundreds of extras and chorus girls.

In those days, MGM truly did have more stars than the heavens, and that’s why THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT still shines so brightly today.

A++

Off in search of more old Hollywood magic as well as popcorn,

M.

Day Fourteen: Beyond the Fringe

2010-01-14T10:56:00.000-08:00

BEYOND THE FRINGE

Starring:
-Alan Bennett
-Peter Cook
-Dudley Moore
-Jonathan Miller

If Peter Sellers and The Goon Show are the grandfathers of the British satire explosion, the FRINGE boys are the eccentric uncles. This DVD is the only filmed performance of the infamous comedy revue that swept London’s West End and Broadway in the 1960s.

Bennett, Cook, Miller, and Moore hold nothing sacred, poking fun at war, religion, and politics, both British and American. Their material is sort of a comedy grab bag featuring physical, intellectual, and slapstick-ish sketches.

In “One Leg Too Few,” Moore hops in as Mr. Spigot, a one-legged man who is auditioning for the part of Tarzan. Peter Cook is extremely funny in “Sitting on the Bench” as an author with a penchant for writing nude women into his novels. As a matter of fact, his latest novel “Six Million Nude Women” is about the titular (no pun intended) women wandering about in the desert “searching for a place to sit down.” Eventually they discover a cave, and “creep down into it to dance about.” Alan Bennett’s best performance comes toward the end of the show, when he appears as a rambling preacher who seems hung up on the phrase, “But my brother Esau is a hairy man, and I…. am a smooth man.”

Dudley Moore is unleashed on the piano a few times, and Jonathan Miller’s “black man” African diplomat voice is freaking awesome. There are funny hats, and silly voices, and outlandish statements galore.

It is often said that BEYOND THE FRINGE was inspiration as well as forerunner to THAT WAS THE WEEK THAT WAS, AT LAST THE 1948 SHOW, and my personal favorite, MONTY PYTHON’S FLYING CIRCUS. You can certainly spot elements of all three shows in this material. BEYOND THE FRINGE is brazen, irreverent, and above all things, silly.

A-

Day Thirteen: The Big Lebowski

2010-01-13T22:37:00.000-08:00

THE BIG LEBOWSKI

Starring:
-Jeff Bridges
-John Goodman
-Julianne Moore
-Steve Buscemi
-John Turturro

Directed by: Joel Coen

Screenplay Credits: Ethan Coen & Joel Coen

MPAA Rating: R – for language and nudity

Jeff “THE DUDE” Lebowski is the kind of man who wears his bathrobe to the grocery store, man. He’s a lot like my former philosophy teacher, so if you know Kippy, just take away the doctorate degree and picture him with long hair, a goatee, and a bowling ball.

Anyway, Jeff comes home from the store and there are a couple of grumpy looking thugs waiting for him. One of them is Asian, but we won’t hold that against him. The white guy grabs Jeff from behind, forces him into the john and starts giving him some major swirlies. He’s yelling something about money, which seems odd because from the look of Jeff’s apartment, he doesn’t have any. The thugs finally realize that they have the wrong Jeffrey Lebowski and they leave, but not before the Asian piddles on the carpet. Bad Asian! Bad!

Cut to the bowling alley, where I start having terrible flashbacks about breaking my toe last summer… That’s not in the movie, but guess what? Steve Buscemi is!
Donnie (Steve), Walter (John) and the Dude are bowling buddies. The Dude is pretty upset about his rug being ruined because it made the whole room “hang together.” The Dude decides that the rich “Big” Lebowski should pay him for the carpet, so he goes to see him.

Philip Seymour Hoffman shows The Dude around the office, pointing out all of Lebowski’s civic achievements. Lebowski rolls in on his scooter chair and boy, is he a jerk. Rich Baldy tells him to shove off. On the way out the door, The Dude grabs a random rug to take home with him. He meets Lebowski’s trophy wife Bunny, who offers him a blowjob for $1000 bucks. In other words, this is a classy lady.

Walter brings his ex-wife’s Pomeranian to bowling practice. Apparently he’s a stickler for the rules, and when an Indian guy does something he doesn’t like, he pulls a gun on him.

The Dude receives a call from the Lebowski mansion asking him to come over. Dude does and learns that Bunny has been kidnapped. Big Lebowski is devastated, and wants Dude to courier the money to the kidnappers.

“He thinks the carpet-pissers did this?” – Dude

Back at the alley, Turturro is a vision in purple. He goes around touching everything before licking his bowling ball and throwing a strike. He dances around a little and blows a kiss to Donnie. This man is Jesus Quintana, a foul-mouthed, perverted bowling champion who is determined to beat the Dude’s team in the league semifinals. One more thing: he polishes his ball really, um, interestingly.

The Dude is chillaxing on his new rug listening to his Walkman when suddenly he looks up to find three new crooks standing above him, one of whom is Julianne Moore. The crook on the left punches him, and he embarks on a musical dream sequence journey. When he comes to, his new rug has been stolen out from under him. Bummer, Dude.

The Dude goes to collect the ransom money from the Big Lebowski. He heads out to make the drop, but Walter hops into the car with a plan to keep the money. Dude can’t stop Walter from going through with his plan, and Walter throws out a suitcase of dirty underwear in place of the money. The kidnappers drive away with the underwear and The Dude starts freaking out. Walter is unfazed and takes the Dude bowling. As they leave the alley, Dude discovers that his car has been stolen, along with the ransom money. Dude gets a call from the Big Lebowski’s daughter Maude. She confesses that she’s the one who took the rug, and asks Dude to come see her.

Maude (Moore) comes flying in on some kind of harness slinging paint everywhere. She’s an artist, apparently, and she and her father don’t get along. She tells Dude that she had to steal the rug back because it has sentimental value. She also confides that Bunny is a nymphomaniac porn actress who is sleeping with pornographer Jackie Treehorn. She claims that Bunny kidnapped herself for money, and that her father embezzled the money from a family charity benefitting orphans.

“This compulsive fornicator is taking my father for the proverbial ride.” – Maude

The Dude is driven home, where he is grabbed and forced into The Big Lebowski’s limo.

“Hey, hey, hey, careful, man! There’s a beverage here!” – Dude

Lebowski has found out that the Dude did not make the payoff, as the kidnappers mailed him one of Bunny’s toes. Walter does not believe that’s really her toe, and insists that the crooks are just messing with them.

“Hell, I can get you a toe by three o’clock this afternoon. With polish.” – Walter

Dude is in the tub when three German bullies bust in with a ferret on a leash. They drop the ferret into the tub and tell Dude if he doesn’t get the money, they’ll come back for his Johnson. Jeepers!

Dude heads back to Maude’s studio, where she tells him that the Germans who threatened his genitals were actually Bunny’s friends from the porn industry. Dude gets thrown out of a cab because he hates the Eagles, and Bunny comes cruising down the freeway with all of her toes intact. Maude seduces Dude and tells him she wants to have his child, but she doesn’t actually want him, you know, involved with it.

Long story short, the kidnapping was a ruse. Bunny neglected to mention that she was going on a trip, and her friends saw this as the perfect opportunity to squeeze some money out of her rich old husband. The Big Lebowski was broke, and didn’t really care whether Bunny lived or died. So he embezzled the million out of the charity fund and kept it for himself, giving Lebowski an empty briefcase to give to the kidnappers. Everything works out in a very bizarre way, but Donny has a fatal heart attack and dies.

Walter and Dude can’t afford an urn, so they have Donny’s ashes put in a Folgers coffee can before shaking them off a cliff overlooking the beach. Walter and the Dude go bowling, and we learn that a little Lebowski is on the way.

The best thing about this movie is the dialogue… sometimes. The language is incredibly foul, but there are some lines that are absolutely hilarious. Having said that, this is not one of my new favorites. It’s really, really weird. The Coens are smoking something, that’s all I’ve got to say.

I think I’ll stick with Raising Arizona…

Grade: B-

Day Twelve: Storybook Treasures- Where the Wild Things Are

2010-01-12T14:35:00.000-08:00

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE AND FIVE OTHER STORIES BY MAURICE SENDAK

Rated: G

Directed by various people, this is an animated collection of Maurice Sendak’s children’s stories. This DVD includes “Where the Wild Things Are,” “In the Night Kitchen,” “Pierre,” “Chicken Soup with Rice,” “One Was Johnny,” and “Alligators All Around.”

Most everyone is familiar with WILD THINGS, the story of a little boy named Max who sails off to the Island of Wild Things and becomes their king.

IN THE NIGHT KITCHEN is an anatomically correct story about a boy called Mickey who floats out of bed and falls through the darkness until he winds up in the Night Kitchen. This is where a handful of fat Italian chefs make cakes for the morning. Mickey helps the chefs bake their cakes and then flies back to his bed in an airplane he makes out of bread dough. It’s weird. Kind of like a stoner song for toddlers.

CHICKEN SOUP WITH RICE goes through the different seasons in a year, praising each month as the perfect time to enjoy this delicious meal.

ONE WAS JOHNNY is a story about a little boy who lives by himself and receives several strange visitors. It’s a counting book that goes up to ten and back down to one.

ALLIGAOTRS ALL AROUND is an alphabet story: Alligators all around, bursting balloons, catching colds, doing dishes, entertaining elephants, forever fooling, giving giggles, having headaches, imitating Indians, juggling jelly beans, keeping kangaroos, looking like lions, making macaroni, never napping, ordering oatmeal, pushing people, quite quarrelsome, riding reindeer, shockingly spoiled, throwing tantrums, usually upside down, very vain, wearing wigs, x-ing x’s, yakety yacking, zippity zapping. It’s cute.

“Pierre,” “Chicken Soup with Rice,” “One Was Johnny,” and “Alligators All Around” are all sung/narrated by Carole King.

This is a neat little DVD for small(ish) children, people who appreciate animation, or Sendak’s interesting illustrations and story style.

A+

Day Eleven: Paranormal Activity

2010-01-11T22:12:00.000-08:00

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY

Starring:
-Katie Featherston
-Micah Sloat

Directed by: Oren Peli

Screenplay Credits: Oren Peli

MPAA Rating: R - language

Okay, I’m not going to spoil the fun for everybody by giving this one away. I will tell you that I watched this one twice; once in the wee hours of the morning with a skittish friend, then again just after nightfall with my equally skittish brother and his fiancé.

Here’s the deal: You’re either going to hate this one or love it. There really is no middle ground here that I can see. I’ll go ahead and tell you, the main device this movie relies on is the old make-the-audience-sit-in-silence-for-like-fifteen-minutes-then-catch-them-off-guard-with-a-loud-bang-and-an-ethereal-scream bit. Works every time.

One thing that excites me about this film is that when you first watch it, you have no idea where to look on the screen. You find yourself sitting up on the edge of your seat, your whole body is tense and your eyes are darting around the screen trying to take everything in. I was desperate not to miss something.

I did get annoyed with the lead actress’ constant cries of “Meeeee-kahhh! Meeee-kahh!” If that doesn’t make you want to see this chick overcome by a demonic spirit, then nothing will.

I’ll cut to the chase. If you’re going to sit there and be a movie snob, comparing this film to everything that’s come before it and mocking the premise, you won’t get anything out of the experience. Basically, if you come at it with this attitude, you’re going to waste 86 minutes of your life and be really, really disappointed.

But, if you let yourself get into that creepy groove and put yourself into either Micah or Katie’s shoes, you’re libel to wind up with the same anxious, unsettled, good suspense movie feeling that I wound up with.

Is this one perfect? Not by any stretch of the imagination, no. But it’s not bad for a first time writer/director on a budget of $15,000. Ask yourself if you could do any better with such a miniscule budget.

Fun facts: Filming was completed in ten days, and the entire film was shot in the director’s own home.

Final grade: C+

Day Ten: GLEE

2010-01-11T21:33:00.000-08:00

Yes, yes, I know that Glee isn't a movie. It is, however, a weekly musical on TV. And it's also one of the DVDs I got for my birthday this year. I couldn't resist watching it the moment I got it home. Since I spent so much time watching all 13 season one episodes, I think it's only fair that I be allowed to post a mini-review of it here.

I won't spoil any plotlines, as I strongly encourage people who like show-stopping toe-tappers to enjoy Glee for themselves.

What I will do is tell you why you should love it.

The songs are always catchy and well sung. They showcase awesome vocal power and the variety of the song choice is very impressive. It's worth tuning in just to see if the kids will sing one of your favorites.

This is more "Freaks and Geeks" than "Dawson's Creek," although fans of either show would more than likely find Glee appealing. The teenage angst is there in good supply for those who want to feel the drama, but those of us who just want to dance around our living rooms in our underpants to some crazy sweet tunes will also be satisfied.

The dialogue is quick and ever witty, and you can't help rooting for the underdog Glee Club kids as they fight their way to the Regional Competition stage.

Jane Lynch is incredible as Cheerio Cheer Squad Leader Sue Sylvester, and she's one of the most compelling characters on television. She'll do despicable things three or four episodes in a row, then catch you totally off guard by doing something so sweet and tender you just might get teary.

Those who understand the B.S. that is public school politics will really get a kick out of Principal Figgins, and guidance counselor/grape polisher Emma is doe-eyed perfection in every scene.

No one can rock a mohawk like Puck, and Rachel has pretty much cornered the market on soaring vocal quality. Seriously, you'll want to smack her out of jealously/annoyance two or three times per episode.

If you're even remotely interested in musicals, performance, or reminiscing about high school drama, CHECK THIS OUT!

A+++

Day Nine: Casino Royale

2010-01-10T22:24:00.000-08:00

CASINO ROYALE

Starring:
-Daniel Craig
-Eva Green
-Judi Dench

Directed by: Martin Campbell

Screenwriting Credits: Neal Purvis, Robert Wade, & Paul Haggis

MPAA Rating: PG-13 – intense sequences of violent action, a scene of torture, sexual content, and nudity

Bond is now blond and, if you’re anything like me, this seems to be almost unforgivable. Nevertheless, the opening credit sequence is pretty cool. As I understand it, the premise of this film is to present Bond in his first years serving in “00” status.

It’s a rainy day in Uganda and a couple of crooks talk business over pinball and beers. Two trucks pull up out front and out pop some skeezy looking gentlemen who’ve come to join the evil party. Money changes hands for Le Chiffre, a banker working exclusively for the world’s terrorists.

A crowd has assembled in Madagascar for the unusually cruel practice of watching a snake and a ferret fight to the death.

Men are stupid.

Blond Bond and his partner are watching their target –a hateful looking burn victim- from opposite ends of the arena. The partner, in true rookie fashion, seems unable to hide the fact that he’s communicating secret agent style, despite Bond’s admonitions.

“Stop touching… your ear.” – Bond

The burn victim approaches the partner, who panics and pulls his gun. The target bolts with the partner on his heels; all the while Bond plays it cool. The partner fumbles and falls into the center of the pit with the fighting animals. His gun goes off. No one’s concerned with the ferret’s well being once the bullets start flying, so the crowd scampers like ants under a magnifying glass.

Bond is forced to join the chase and he and the target run through the jungle and wind up at a construction site. Naturally, Bond knows how to drive a bulldozer, so he blows through equipment, machinery, and other people to reach his target. Inexplicably, the bad guy can scale a wall almost as well as Spiderman, but Bond is on his tail every minute. They leap all around in very dangerous situations and shoot at each other as they tower ominously hundreds of feet in the air. You know, normal stuff.

Bond finally corners Burn Victim, who shoots. His gun clicks comically and he looks at it in disbelief, wondering for a moment if he’s in a Bugs Bunny cartoon. He decides to incapacitate his pursuer by tossing the now useless weapon at his head, but there’s just one problem. Only an idiot would throw something at James Bond and expect it to hit him. I’ve never seen one of these movies all the way through and even I know that. Bond catches the gun effortlessly, flings it back, and pings the target in the head. Heehee.

Finally the opponents are close enough to punch and kick one another, but it isn’t interesting if they do this on land, so they continue to leap through the sky like squirrels on tree branches.

Long story made short, Bond kills the crap out of his opponent, blows something up, and escapes. Duh. At this point in the movie, all I’m thinking about is how cool it would be to have a Bond game for the Wii where you actually had to punch people and shoot at them at the same time. This would be great for the newer, multi-tasking generations.

Bond checks his text messages and, because sex sells, there’s a half naked chick on a boat with the same kooky-eyed bad guy from the first scene. One thing I love about Bond is all his cool gadgetry. Judi Dench, however, is not impressed. She marches in with her stylish pantsuit and gripes at Bond for killing a single bomb-maker when the world is filled with many more evil people who need to be taken out and spanked. Bond heads to a place called Pleasure Island in the Bahamas because, obviously, there’s never going to be a Bond movie set in a convent town called Holy Mary of We Love Jesus, now is there?

Bond very cleverly fake ties his shoe so that he can spot the locations of the hotel’s security cameras. He wrecks a Range Rover, and he looks pretty good in that white button-up, especially for a blond guy. With hotel security busy consoling the owner of the dented Rover, Bond sneaks into the security office to plunder through some old security footage. I used the word ‘security’ three times in the previous sentence, which might actually be setting some sort of bad grammar record.

At last Bond appears shirtless, emerging from the water sopping wet to stare at a pretty brunette on a horse. Call me crazy, but the man looks better with clothes on. Bond joins a poker game with his new target, Alex Dimitrios. Bond wins a lot more than Dimitrios’ money. He also walks away with the keys to his Aston Martin, and mounts his wife. Buuuuuuurn.

The bad guy’s hot wife lets slip that her husband is flying to Miami and continues to grind on Bond. Maintaining the illusion for the fun of a film is one thing, but there’s no way in heaven or earth a straight man would leave a woman like that lying in the floor. Especially not fully clothed. Which leads me to the assumption that deep down, James Bond is queerer than a three-dollar bill.

Anyway, Bond tracks down Dimitrios, kills him, and hilariously thwarts Le Chiffre’s plan to destroy the Skyfleet airliner prototype. Le Chiffre gets back at him by torturing and killing Dimitrios brunette vixen wife, who is no longer attractive when dead.

“Quite the body count you’re stacking up.” - M

M fills him in on the details of Le Chiffre’s background. Apparently, he’s been playing around with his clients’ cash. Thanks to Bond’s recent meddling with the prototype plan, Le Chiffre stands to get caught in some pretty hot water. For this reason, Le Chiffre has set up a high stakes poker tournament at Montenegro’s Casino Royale, and M wants Bond to attend. She then tells Bond they’re watching him, and quit screwing around with beautiful women.

Bond is on a train snaking through the tree-covered mountains of Montenegro when another woman in a stylish pantsuit plops down opposite him. She’s considerably younger and better looking than Judi Dench, but she doesn’t seem hot enough to be a Bond girl. This woman is Vesper Lynd. Vesper is a Treasury official whom M has sent to keep an eye on Bond. She’s kind of a shrew, but I suspect that Bond’s going to hit that anyway. Unlike Vesper, I remain unimpressed with Bond’s so called “perfectly formed ass.” Frankly, I’ve seen better. I’m sorry, but cool cars, guns with silencers, and swank suits do not automatically guarantee you a nice ass. That’s not the way the world works.

Vesper and Bond are in the adjoining rooms of their suite preparing for the first night of the tournament. Bond has taken the liberty of acquiring a revealing dress for her, and Vesper has selected a slick suit for him. Bond seems surprised that it’s already been perfectly tailored, but Vesper just smirks and assures him, “I sized you up the moment we met.”

Bond takes his seat at the table and Vesper enters to dazzle everyone with her cleavage. Once the group has played for four hours, they take a break. Le Chiffre heads up to his hotel room to romance his woman, but his terrorist friends are waiting on the balcony to rough them up a little. Le Chiffre assures them that he will have their money the next day, and the terrorists threaten to cut off his hand for the betrayal. Bond ends up killing the terrorists in the stairwell and getting blood all over his nice clothes, so he pops up to the bathroom to splash water on his wounds and drink a little.

Back at the table, Le Chiffre notices that Bond has changed his shirt and comments about this. Bond plays it cool, as usual. When he returns to the room, he finds Vesper, earrings and all, sitting in the shower shaking her head like a maniac. Surprisingly, her mascara isn’t running, which really makes me curious as to what brand she’s using.

Bond sucks on her fingers a little, which makes her feel a bit better, but she still needs him to sit around and be wet with her a while.

The tournament continues and once again Vesper’s got the girls out for all the world to see. Bond buys Le Chiffre’s bluff and goes all in, losing everything. Vesper’s all pissy with him, and refuses to give him the cash to re-enter the tournament.

*Bond approaches the bar and orders a martini*
Bartender: Shaken or stirred?
Bond: Do I look like I care?

Ha!

All at once, Bond grabs a knife and takes it to the table. His drink is delivered so he takes a sip, but he suddenly feels strange. He asks to be dealt out and excuses himself. He rushes into the bathroom and the camera work makes you nauseous if you have vertigo or some other kind of motion sickness. He pukes in the sink and stumbles out looking all crazy. He makes it to his car and is drenched in sweat. He’s totally going into some cardiac arrest business. He tries to defibrillate himself, but passes out and flatlines. Lucky for him, Vesper rushes out to help him. Like any real man would, he shakes off the heart attack and marches back to the poker game.

“I’m sorry. That last hand…nearly killed me.” – Bond

Not surprisingly, Bond wins the tournament and he and Vesper celebrate with a private dinner. Vesper leaves and Bond exits the building just in time to see her get kidnapped. He jumps into his car and hurries after her. He finds her lying bound in the middle of the road and swerves to avoid hitting her. His car rolls a ridiculous amount of times. Seriously. Way more than any rolling car should. Bond has been captured.

One of the henchmen cuts the seat out of a chair. Bond is stripped totally naked and tied to said chair. And let me tell you, his rear doesn’t look so fantastic from this angle. Le Chiffre comes out with a big old rope and smacks Bond in the bottom with it. At first I caught myself thinking, “Wait a minute… that wouldn’t be so bad. Like getting spanked, but with a heavy rope.”

But then I realized something. Due to the fact that the chair has no seat and Bond is totally exposed, his boys are taking a beating in a most unpleasant way. This makes me squirmy for him, the poor guy. I wish I could say that Bond takes this like a man, but his little girl screaming proves otherwise. Despite the physical pain, he’s mentally stable enough to continue taunting his captor, refusing to give up the access code for his winnings.

“The world’s gonna know you died scratching my balls.” – Bond

Le Chiffre proves he’s really a freak and goes after Bond’s junk with a knife. Luckily for all future Bond girls, Bond is rescued when one of Le Chiffre’s jilted clients storms in and executes Le Chiffre and all his men. Both Vesper and Bond survive the attack.

Bond wakes up in the hospital and reports Le Chiffre’s admission that Mathis is a double agent. He tells Vesper he loves her (“…you know what I can do with my little finger”) and they tumble around a hospital bed.

Cut to them frolicking in the sand. Bond is in a tiny bathing suit, and he tells Vesper he’s quitting the secret agent business. He fires off an email to M announcing his resignation as he and Vesper dock in Venice. I can’t help but wonder how he was getting Internet service in the middle of the ocean, but whatever.

Things are looking good for the pair and they smooch all over town. It is at this moment that M calls, asking Bond if he’s ever going to deposit the winnings into the account. Bond realizes that Vesper has stolen everything, and goes after her to beat her down. I always knew that skank was a shady lady. Never trust a skinny brunette.

He runs up on her handing a briefcase to some dudes. They spot him and run for cover in a nearby building that’s under renovation. Again with the construction sites. Bond shoots his way in, but blasts apart the flotation devices that are keeping the structure up. As it crumbles, Vesper is trapped in one of those elevator cages. Bond kills all the dudes and goes to save Vesper in the lift. Like an idiot, she locks herself inside. The cage plunges underneath the water, and Bond watches her drown while still struggling to get her out. Finally he gets her out of the water. He tries to resuscitate her, but she’s having none of it. Bond pants like a Neanderthal for a few seconds, then gets all moody and stares at her before picking her up.

M tells Bond that Vesper agreed to deliver his winnings to the bad guys as long as they let James live. Bond then discovers that Vesper has left him Mr. White’s name and phone number so that he might track him down.

Cut to Mr. White, arriving at his seaside mansion. His phone rings. He answers it, asks who’s calling, and is immediately shot in the leg. He crawls toward his mansion as the infamous Bond theme plays. You know who approaches with a huge gun and quips, “The name’s Bond. James Bond.”

CUT TO BLACK! THE END!

I must admit that I really enjoyed this movie. It’s the first Bond film I’ve ever seen in its entirety, and it lived up to its reputation by boasting beautiful women, exotic locales, dangerous stunts, and a secret agent who probably appeals to a lot of women. After seeing this one, I’m much more likely to watch some of the older Bond films, especially those featuring Sean Connery and Peirce Brosnan.

I give this one an A-, but a strong one.

Off in search of popcorn,

M. Hollywood