ANCHORMAN : The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Starring:
-Will Ferrell
-Christina Applegate
-Paul Rudd
-Steve Carell
Directed by: Adam McKay
Screenplay Credits: Will Ferrell & Adam McKay
MPAA Rating: PG-13 – for sexual humor, language, and comic violence
The tone of this movie is set rather nicely by a frame that reads, “The following is based on actual events. Only the names, locations and events have been changed.”
What a beautiful sentiment.
The first time I saw this movie I thought, ‘Eh, what’s the big deal?’ With this viewing I thought, ‘Gosh I love that ‘Afternoon Delight’ part, but other than that, eh, what’s the big deal?’
Yes, there are some very funny lines. And yeah, I do like to throw my head back and exclaim, “Take me to pleasure town!” I also love 70s music and making fun of television personalities. So maybe I haven’t given this film a fair shake.
“Mmm. I look good. I mean really good. Hey, everyone! Come and see how good I look!” – Ron
Ron and his buddies Brick, Brian, and Champ are idiot chauvinists whose world is rocked by an extremely well lit Christina Applegate. Applegate plays Veronica, a serious journalist who dreams of becoming the first anchorwoman. Ron meets Veronica at a party and tries unsuccessfully to seduce her.
“I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of mahogany.” – Ron
Ron returns home to his apartment to cuddle with his precious dog Baxter (they have matching pajamas). The next day, Ron and company run into station KQHS’ rival news team where an all out insult war breaks out.
“I will take your mother out for a nice seafood dinner, and NEVER call her again!” – Champ
Back at the station, Veronica’s pissed because she’s stuck covering all the girly stories and dealing with extremely offensive come-ons from the guys.
“What do you say we go out on a date? Have some chicken…maybe some sex. See what happens.” – Champ
“I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.” - Brick
The rest of the movie is fairly predictable. Ferrell plays the jazz flute and takes Applegate to Pleasure Town (well done, sir). He hurls a burrito at Jack Black’s head and Baxter gets dropkicked off a bridge. Brick loves carpet, desk, and lamp, everybody harmonizes to Afternoon Delight, and Ron saves Veronica from a bear.
This is like my one night stand movie. I only fool with it when my standards are low and I need a few cheap laughs. But still, ANCHORMAN boasts some funny performances and outstanding dialogue.
And I’ve never seen anybody more comfortable in his underpants than Will Ferrell.
FINAL GRADE: C+
Off in search of a light blue leisure suit,
M.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Day Thirty-Three: Serenity
SERENITY
Starring:
-Nathan Fillion
-Alan Tudyk
-Adam Baldwin
-Summer Glau
-Gina Torres
Written & Directed by: Joss Whedon
MPAA Rating: PG-13 – sequences of violence and action, some sexual reference
Everyone in the ‘verse knows that Joss Whedon’s space cowboy cult hit is the little show that could. After its cancellation, fury exploded like hell hath no and mercifully, this movie was made. Without further ado...
That black guy from LOVE ACTUALLY rolls in and kills three or four people. He’s on the trail of Simon and River Tam, the brother/sister team who found a home on Captain Mal Reynold’s adorable little spaceship Serenity (classification: Firefly). Also on board you’ll find Jane, the tanned, sweaty muscle man with a penchant for weapons and beating the crap out of people, Kaylee the mechanic, Inara the hooker, Wash the pilot, and Wash’s butt-kicking Amazonian wife Zooey.
Mal and his comrades stop off at a little planet to rob a bank when UH OH! Suddenly there’s a Reaver attack! For all you losers out there who don’t like campy science fiction movies, Reavers are bad news. They’re cannibals and stuff. They’ll eat you and make suits of your skin and for some reason it’s rumored they’ll rape you for hours, which seems to contradict the age old admonition not to play with your food.
“You shoot me if they take me! Well, don’t shoot me first!” – Jane
The gang makes it back safely to the ship and Simon’s pretty pissed that Mal put his little sister in danger, so he informs everyone that he and River are leaving at the next port. The crew docks and heads to a bar to reap payment for their bank raid, but River gets some subliminal messaging from a commercial, says “Miranda” and goes nuts and starts beating up on everybody. And so begins the Joss Whedon commentary on life. Anyway, River’s kicking everybody’s butt and finally Simon shows up, says a few cryptic safe words, and River drops like a leaf.
Bad Black Guy from the Alliance watches all of this unwind via security feed on his ship. He seems pleased.
Back on Serenity, Mal has handcuffed River and is confronting Simon about her crazy behavior. Sweet darling Alan Tudyk suggests they contact Mr. Universe, who is the equivalent of a teenage hacker who just happens to know everything that ever happens online. Mr. Universe confirms that River received a subliminal message from high military Alliance.
“I don’t know what I’m saying. I never know what I’m saying.” – River
Yeah, join the club, River. I do love some of Summer Glau’s facial expressions. When Simon asks her if she’s Miranda, she gives him the world’s most perfect “No, you idiot” look.
I forgot to mention, Mr. Universe also has a “lovebot” which is creepy and intriguing all at the same time.
Anyway, the crew travels to the planet of poor, dirty orphans, where Shepherd Book has been hiding out. Book used to cruise around with them, but that was back in the days when he had an Afro. These day’s he’s got a goatee and a mean set of cornrows.
Anyway, Inara sends Mal an uncomfortable wave message, which the rest of the crew secretly watches. Mal and Zooey think it’s obvious the message was a trap, but romantic Kaylee would rather believe that Inara just wants to see Mal.
Mal: Ya’ll were watching I take it?
Zooey: Yes
Mal: Did you see us fight?
Kaylee: No.
Mal: Trap.
Mal goes to rescue Inara (assuming she needs it) and she warns him that he cannot handle Big Black Alliance Man from LOVE ACTUALLY. Bad Guy tells Mal he’ll let him go as long as he turns over River. They fight. Inara is a hardcore chick, and she placed a bomb on the altar instead of incense, so when it explodes she and Mal escape to her ship and make it back to Serenity.
Summer breaks free in order to show them the location and information on the planet Miranda. The crew ponders this new development as they land on the Shepherd’s planet. Everything has been blown up. Stuff is smoking and there are dead kids lying all over. Mal runs up on Shepherd, who is dying. Boo hoo. I mean, I guess I’m a little sad. I liked him okay. Anyway, he’s got some cool dying words.
“I don’t care what you believe. Just believe in it.” - Book
The crew learns that the Black Alliance dude has murdered all of their former allies, and those who once sheltered them. Bad Guy promises more of the same until Mal turns over River. Mal hangs up on him, then has the crew help him disguise Serenity as a Reaver ship so they can pass through the dangerous territory and reach Miranda unharmed. Mal’s plan works and they sail through an entire fleet of Reaver ships unscathed.
Up to this point, the theory has been that Miranda failed the terraforming process, rendering the planet unlivable and all the settlers died. But now that they’ve arrived, Mal and the gang see that everything is totally normal here…except for all the decomposing bodies lying around everywhere. This is quite literally a city of the dead. Corpses in office buildings lie sprawled across their computer keyboards and desks. We get it, Joss, we get it. Sheesh.
The power has no planet, but they do manage to locate a tiny beacon. They find its source, and a hologram appears. A tearful woman shows them some images of Miranda’s dead and explains that G23 was added to the air to clam the population and weed out aggression. The people stopping fighting, then they stopped everything else, like going to work, breeding, talking, and eating. They just sat and let themselves die. According to the hologram, 10% of the population had a different reaction to the G23 and became violent to the point of madness. This helpfully explains where the Reavers came from and why the Alliance seems so adamant about insisting they don’t exist.
At last the crew realizes that this is why the Alliance is so crazy to kill River. She knows the secret of Miranda. So Mal’s plan is to get the hologram to Mr. Universe so that he can broadcast it all around. Sadly, the Bad Guy had this thought, too, so Alliance swoops in and Bad Guy kills poor geeky Universe man while his lovebot looks on, unaffected.
With both Reaver ships and the Alliance on their tails, Wash deftly navigates through all of it because he is awesome like that.
“I’m a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar.” – Wash
Sadly, they’ve been forced to overdo things and their engine is totally fried. They do an emergency crash landing and everything seems fine until a Reaver harpoon comes busting into the cockpit and kills WASH!
I HATE YOU, JOSS WHEDON!
The crew rolls in to find Mr. Universe dead, sprawled across his lovebot’s lap. Lucky for him, Mr. U used the bot to record his last words to Mal, instructions on how to find his backup equipment and broadcast the message about Miranda. The Reavers are all around trying to get in and eat everybody, and Bad Guy shows up for an epic fight.
Most everybody has gotten hurt at this point, and if you’re like me you’re thinking “Wow, Whedon is going to kill every single person I have ever loved or cared about.” And you are right. He’s probably hunting down your mom right now.
River now has the chance to prove her usefulness and save the day, so she staves off the Reavers and grabs her big bro’s medical bag to patch everybody up. Mal defeats the bad guy but doesn’t kill him. Instead he straps him to a railing and forces him to watch the broadcast of the Miranda beacon over and over again. Mal hobbles back to his badly bruised crew and finds that River is a total badass. Seriously. It’s great. Of course the Alliance takes the opportunity to burst in and aim their weapons at everybody, but Bad Guy tells them to stand down because they’re finished.
Cut to a dramatic valley shot where we review our dead and Zooey finally looks sad about her dead husband.
Everybody patches up the ship and gives it a shiny new paint job, Simon and Kaylee finally get nasty, and the Bad Guy shows up again to tell Mal that they aren’t out of danger, but he won’t be on their tail anymore. Inara decides to stay and River signs on to copilot the ship with Mal.
All in all, this film does what it was intended to do: provide diehard fans and viewers with some much-needed closure. That isn’t to say that I’m not furious to see Joss The Bastard Whedon kill the love of my Firefly life, Hoban Washburne. So while this is an exciting and well-written science fiction adventure flick, I am so sticking with my worn out Firefly DVDs.
Know why? Three words.
Alan Tudyk, baby.
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of my toy collection,
M.
Starring:
-Nathan Fillion
-Alan Tudyk
-Adam Baldwin
-Summer Glau
-Gina Torres
Written & Directed by: Joss Whedon
MPAA Rating: PG-13 – sequences of violence and action, some sexual reference
Everyone in the ‘verse knows that Joss Whedon’s space cowboy cult hit is the little show that could. After its cancellation, fury exploded like hell hath no and mercifully, this movie was made. Without further ado...
That black guy from LOVE ACTUALLY rolls in and kills three or four people. He’s on the trail of Simon and River Tam, the brother/sister team who found a home on Captain Mal Reynold’s adorable little spaceship Serenity (classification: Firefly). Also on board you’ll find Jane, the tanned, sweaty muscle man with a penchant for weapons and beating the crap out of people, Kaylee the mechanic, Inara the hooker, Wash the pilot, and Wash’s butt-kicking Amazonian wife Zooey.
Mal and his comrades stop off at a little planet to rob a bank when UH OH! Suddenly there’s a Reaver attack! For all you losers out there who don’t like campy science fiction movies, Reavers are bad news. They’re cannibals and stuff. They’ll eat you and make suits of your skin and for some reason it’s rumored they’ll rape you for hours, which seems to contradict the age old admonition not to play with your food.
“You shoot me if they take me! Well, don’t shoot me first!” – Jane
The gang makes it back safely to the ship and Simon’s pretty pissed that Mal put his little sister in danger, so he informs everyone that he and River are leaving at the next port. The crew docks and heads to a bar to reap payment for their bank raid, but River gets some subliminal messaging from a commercial, says “Miranda” and goes nuts and starts beating up on everybody. And so begins the Joss Whedon commentary on life. Anyway, River’s kicking everybody’s butt and finally Simon shows up, says a few cryptic safe words, and River drops like a leaf.
Bad Black Guy from the Alliance watches all of this unwind via security feed on his ship. He seems pleased.
Back on Serenity, Mal has handcuffed River and is confronting Simon about her crazy behavior. Sweet darling Alan Tudyk suggests they contact Mr. Universe, who is the equivalent of a teenage hacker who just happens to know everything that ever happens online. Mr. Universe confirms that River received a subliminal message from high military Alliance.
“I don’t know what I’m saying. I never know what I’m saying.” – River
Yeah, join the club, River. I do love some of Summer Glau’s facial expressions. When Simon asks her if she’s Miranda, she gives him the world’s most perfect “No, you idiot” look.
I forgot to mention, Mr. Universe also has a “lovebot” which is creepy and intriguing all at the same time.
Anyway, the crew travels to the planet of poor, dirty orphans, where Shepherd Book has been hiding out. Book used to cruise around with them, but that was back in the days when he had an Afro. These day’s he’s got a goatee and a mean set of cornrows.
Anyway, Inara sends Mal an uncomfortable wave message, which the rest of the crew secretly watches. Mal and Zooey think it’s obvious the message was a trap, but romantic Kaylee would rather believe that Inara just wants to see Mal.
Mal: Ya’ll were watching I take it?
Zooey: Yes
Mal: Did you see us fight?
Kaylee: No.
Mal: Trap.
Mal goes to rescue Inara (assuming she needs it) and she warns him that he cannot handle Big Black Alliance Man from LOVE ACTUALLY. Bad Guy tells Mal he’ll let him go as long as he turns over River. They fight. Inara is a hardcore chick, and she placed a bomb on the altar instead of incense, so when it explodes she and Mal escape to her ship and make it back to Serenity.
Summer breaks free in order to show them the location and information on the planet Miranda. The crew ponders this new development as they land on the Shepherd’s planet. Everything has been blown up. Stuff is smoking and there are dead kids lying all over. Mal runs up on Shepherd, who is dying. Boo hoo. I mean, I guess I’m a little sad. I liked him okay. Anyway, he’s got some cool dying words.
“I don’t care what you believe. Just believe in it.” - Book
The crew learns that the Black Alliance dude has murdered all of their former allies, and those who once sheltered them. Bad Guy promises more of the same until Mal turns over River. Mal hangs up on him, then has the crew help him disguise Serenity as a Reaver ship so they can pass through the dangerous territory and reach Miranda unharmed. Mal’s plan works and they sail through an entire fleet of Reaver ships unscathed.
Up to this point, the theory has been that Miranda failed the terraforming process, rendering the planet unlivable and all the settlers died. But now that they’ve arrived, Mal and the gang see that everything is totally normal here…except for all the decomposing bodies lying around everywhere. This is quite literally a city of the dead. Corpses in office buildings lie sprawled across their computer keyboards and desks. We get it, Joss, we get it. Sheesh.
The power has no planet, but they do manage to locate a tiny beacon. They find its source, and a hologram appears. A tearful woman shows them some images of Miranda’s dead and explains that G23 was added to the air to clam the population and weed out aggression. The people stopping fighting, then they stopped everything else, like going to work, breeding, talking, and eating. They just sat and let themselves die. According to the hologram, 10% of the population had a different reaction to the G23 and became violent to the point of madness. This helpfully explains where the Reavers came from and why the Alliance seems so adamant about insisting they don’t exist.
At last the crew realizes that this is why the Alliance is so crazy to kill River. She knows the secret of Miranda. So Mal’s plan is to get the hologram to Mr. Universe so that he can broadcast it all around. Sadly, the Bad Guy had this thought, too, so Alliance swoops in and Bad Guy kills poor geeky Universe man while his lovebot looks on, unaffected.
With both Reaver ships and the Alliance on their tails, Wash deftly navigates through all of it because he is awesome like that.
“I’m a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar.” – Wash
Sadly, they’ve been forced to overdo things and their engine is totally fried. They do an emergency crash landing and everything seems fine until a Reaver harpoon comes busting into the cockpit and kills WASH!
I HATE YOU, JOSS WHEDON!
The crew rolls in to find Mr. Universe dead, sprawled across his lovebot’s lap. Lucky for him, Mr. U used the bot to record his last words to Mal, instructions on how to find his backup equipment and broadcast the message about Miranda. The Reavers are all around trying to get in and eat everybody, and Bad Guy shows up for an epic fight.
Most everybody has gotten hurt at this point, and if you’re like me you’re thinking “Wow, Whedon is going to kill every single person I have ever loved or cared about.” And you are right. He’s probably hunting down your mom right now.
River now has the chance to prove her usefulness and save the day, so she staves off the Reavers and grabs her big bro’s medical bag to patch everybody up. Mal defeats the bad guy but doesn’t kill him. Instead he straps him to a railing and forces him to watch the broadcast of the Miranda beacon over and over again. Mal hobbles back to his badly bruised crew and finds that River is a total badass. Seriously. It’s great. Of course the Alliance takes the opportunity to burst in and aim their weapons at everybody, but Bad Guy tells them to stand down because they’re finished.
Cut to a dramatic valley shot where we review our dead and Zooey finally looks sad about her dead husband.
Everybody patches up the ship and gives it a shiny new paint job, Simon and Kaylee finally get nasty, and the Bad Guy shows up again to tell Mal that they aren’t out of danger, but he won’t be on their tail anymore. Inara decides to stay and River signs on to copilot the ship with Mal.
All in all, this film does what it was intended to do: provide diehard fans and viewers with some much-needed closure. That isn’t to say that I’m not furious to see Joss The Bastard Whedon kill the love of my Firefly life, Hoban Washburne. So while this is an exciting and well-written science fiction adventure flick, I am so sticking with my worn out Firefly DVDs.
Know why? Three words.
Alan Tudyk, baby.
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of my toy collection,
M.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Day Thirty-Two: Creature Comforts: America
CREATURE COMFORTS: AMERICA
Ask a horse at a stud farm how he feels about his job. Or consult some New York City cockroaches about phobias and fears. Talk to a raccoon about his toes, or ask a pair of lovebirds about their marriage. There’s a rooster who has been fired for tardiness, a bird watching club made up of cats, and a reindeer that hates working on Christmas.
Americans all across the country were interviewed on a variety of subjects. Those tapes were given to animators, who then assigned the voices to various animals. I don’t know why, but I’m a sucker for nearly anything that gives human emotions to animals. Maybe it’s because I love my pets so dearly, or maybe I just get a kick out of it because it’s something unusual. At any rate, I’ve always liked that. This show was based on the British version, which was based on a short film by Nick Park. The animation is awesome, but think Wallace & Gromit, not Tim Burton.
The thing is, when you watch this you really want to know who these people are. You want to know what they look like, where they live, and why they’re such funny freaks. The animators are absolutely brilliant here, because they’ve taken these voices and created entirely new characters around them. The voice of the classroom gerbil is perfect, as are the ghetto sharks who hang around the shipwreck.
If I had to pick favorites, I would pick the married couple housecats, the horse couple from Maryland, and the mother and daughter pigs from Mississippi.
This is seriously funny stuff.
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of reindeer,
M
Ask a horse at a stud farm how he feels about his job. Or consult some New York City cockroaches about phobias and fears. Talk to a raccoon about his toes, or ask a pair of lovebirds about their marriage. There’s a rooster who has been fired for tardiness, a bird watching club made up of cats, and a reindeer that hates working on Christmas.
Americans all across the country were interviewed on a variety of subjects. Those tapes were given to animators, who then assigned the voices to various animals. I don’t know why, but I’m a sucker for nearly anything that gives human emotions to animals. Maybe it’s because I love my pets so dearly, or maybe I just get a kick out of it because it’s something unusual. At any rate, I’ve always liked that. This show was based on the British version, which was based on a short film by Nick Park. The animation is awesome, but think Wallace & Gromit, not Tim Burton.
The thing is, when you watch this you really want to know who these people are. You want to know what they look like, where they live, and why they’re such funny freaks. The animators are absolutely brilliant here, because they’ve taken these voices and created entirely new characters around them. The voice of the classroom gerbil is perfect, as are the ghetto sharks who hang around the shipwreck.
If I had to pick favorites, I would pick the married couple housecats, the horse couple from Maryland, and the mother and daughter pigs from Mississippi.
This is seriously funny stuff.
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of reindeer,
M
Day Thirty-One: True Blood
TRUE BLOOD
Starring:
-Anna Paquin
-Stephen Moyer
I saw the Twilight movie. I was unimpressed. But if anything can win me over to Team Vampire, it’s True Blood. True Blood is the new(ish) HBO series about vampires coming out of the coffin all across America, including tiny Louisiana hick town Bon Temps (warning: you will get sick of hearing everybody say the words ‘Bon Temps.’ That’s a guarantee).
Sookie Stackhouse (Paquin) is a telepathic barmaid with a redneck brother, a self-righteous best friend, a vampire boyfriend (Moyer), a shape shifter boss who’s in love with her, and a gap-toothed grin. You might think this girl has all she needs to live creepily ever after, but you would be wrong. Instead, she’s forced to deal with the issues of all her annoying friends and relatives. Eventually, those issues manifest themselves into a cold-blooded serial killer who’s after every single mortal who has any connections with those lusty bloodsuckers. Sookie handles this well, although she does lose both her cat and her grandmother to the cause. I mean they don’t become vampires or anything. They just die gruesome deaths.
Yes, Sookie gets tired of all the drama, but thankfully she has Vampire Bill to see her through and keep her safe… as long as the sun isn’t up. You see, unlike those wimpy Twilight vampires who can stroll around all they want with their sparkly diamond skin, the True Blood vampires are hardcore. They will eat you, but only as long as the sun is down.
I don’t understand why they have to hole up underground all day, though. Most of these vampires are pretty rich, so seems to me they could afford to have like an underground bunker home built. With a swimming pool and Internet access and everything. Why is it they have to lie in their coffins all day when they could be playing Wii?
Coincidentally, while my spell check system will automatically recognize the words “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” and “Wiki”, it isn’t quite hip to the term “Wii.” But I know it’s only a matter of time.
Back to the vampires. I read the first book (written by that Harris woman whose first name I can never remember. Charlaine, maybe?) and couldn’t believe how this woman just threw everything but the kitchen sink into the book. I don’t necessarily mean that in a good way, either. There were so many subplots and so much drama that it pulled me out of the story a little bit. I just had to stop occasionally and think “Seriously? All this has happened to Sookie in her short life? And Elvis lives?” I don’t think so.
Since this is an HBO baby, I’m sure you’ve already guessed that there is a lot of sex involved here. We’re talking tons. If I remember correctly, there is at least one romantic encounter (one night stands included) per episode, which tends to make me bitter that these fictional characters are getting more play in an hour long episode than I have in the last six months. Such is the nature of escapist television.
Mixed in with all of this is the underlying message: gay people are awesome and deserve the right to get married. That may not be the main message of the Harris woman’s books, but that is certainly the direction the show is taking things in. So if you’re staunchly conservative (and easily riled up) about the whole gay marriage thing, you’ll probably be annoyed by all the thinly veiled gay rights messages.
I like gay people. I also like married people. And if gay people want to be married people, it’s no skin off my nose. The important thing to remember here is that I hate being lectured about the topic… from either side. I don’t want to hear a sermon about the horrors of gay marriage from the pulpit, and I certainly don’t want a sermon from the True Blood writers about the horrors of those who oppose their platform.
Can’t we all just get along? Think about this…gay marriage means gay weddings. Lots of them. Lots of weddings involve lots of cake. Where, exactly, is the down side?
Off in search of cake from either orientation,
M.
Starring:
-Anna Paquin
-Stephen Moyer
I saw the Twilight movie. I was unimpressed. But if anything can win me over to Team Vampire, it’s True Blood. True Blood is the new(ish) HBO series about vampires coming out of the coffin all across America, including tiny Louisiana hick town Bon Temps (warning: you will get sick of hearing everybody say the words ‘Bon Temps.’ That’s a guarantee).
Sookie Stackhouse (Paquin) is a telepathic barmaid with a redneck brother, a self-righteous best friend, a vampire boyfriend (Moyer), a shape shifter boss who’s in love with her, and a gap-toothed grin. You might think this girl has all she needs to live creepily ever after, but you would be wrong. Instead, she’s forced to deal with the issues of all her annoying friends and relatives. Eventually, those issues manifest themselves into a cold-blooded serial killer who’s after every single mortal who has any connections with those lusty bloodsuckers. Sookie handles this well, although she does lose both her cat and her grandmother to the cause. I mean they don’t become vampires or anything. They just die gruesome deaths.
Yes, Sookie gets tired of all the drama, but thankfully she has Vampire Bill to see her through and keep her safe… as long as the sun isn’t up. You see, unlike those wimpy Twilight vampires who can stroll around all they want with their sparkly diamond skin, the True Blood vampires are hardcore. They will eat you, but only as long as the sun is down.
I don’t understand why they have to hole up underground all day, though. Most of these vampires are pretty rich, so seems to me they could afford to have like an underground bunker home built. With a swimming pool and Internet access and everything. Why is it they have to lie in their coffins all day when they could be playing Wii?
Coincidentally, while my spell check system will automatically recognize the words “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” and “Wiki”, it isn’t quite hip to the term “Wii.” But I know it’s only a matter of time.
Back to the vampires. I read the first book (written by that Harris woman whose first name I can never remember. Charlaine, maybe?) and couldn’t believe how this woman just threw everything but the kitchen sink into the book. I don’t necessarily mean that in a good way, either. There were so many subplots and so much drama that it pulled me out of the story a little bit. I just had to stop occasionally and think “Seriously? All this has happened to Sookie in her short life? And Elvis lives?” I don’t think so.
Since this is an HBO baby, I’m sure you’ve already guessed that there is a lot of sex involved here. We’re talking tons. If I remember correctly, there is at least one romantic encounter (one night stands included) per episode, which tends to make me bitter that these fictional characters are getting more play in an hour long episode than I have in the last six months. Such is the nature of escapist television.
Mixed in with all of this is the underlying message: gay people are awesome and deserve the right to get married. That may not be the main message of the Harris woman’s books, but that is certainly the direction the show is taking things in. So if you’re staunchly conservative (and easily riled up) about the whole gay marriage thing, you’ll probably be annoyed by all the thinly veiled gay rights messages.
I like gay people. I also like married people. And if gay people want to be married people, it’s no skin off my nose. The important thing to remember here is that I hate being lectured about the topic… from either side. I don’t want to hear a sermon about the horrors of gay marriage from the pulpit, and I certainly don’t want a sermon from the True Blood writers about the horrors of those who oppose their platform.
Can’t we all just get along? Think about this…gay marriage means gay weddings. Lots of them. Lots of weddings involve lots of cake. Where, exactly, is the down side?
Off in search of cake from either orientation,
M.
Day Thirty: Monty Python's Flying Circus
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS
-John Cleese
-Michael Palin
-Terry Gilliam
-Eric Idle
-Graham Chapman
-Terry Jones
-featuring Neil Innes & Carol Cleveland
I love funny men. Correction: I love these funny men.
Whether you're watching the Ministry of Silly Walks, the Fish Slapping Dance, or visiting shops for pets and cheese with Dead Polly Parrot, you are going to be laughing. Monty Python humor is timeless, unlike Saturday Night Live or MADTV, where the writers and performers constantly draw material from present day life and pop culture.
For example, I was watching an episode of Laugh In once (a 1960s variety-type show featuring a very young Goldie Hawn) and there were four jokes I didn't understand, right in a row. This wasn't because I was an idiot, rather I just don't know what was happening in politics one random week in the 60s.
Now think about the Pythons' irreverent wit. Will there ever be a time when a sketch entitled "Judges Recess" that features four solemn British barristers exiting the courthouse to run frolic in a playground isn't funny? Nope. Never.
It took me about three years, but I finally managed to collect just about everything MP ever did, and many of the spin-off projects they were involved with. Expect reviews on them later, of course. But for now, just pop in a MPFC DVD and make merry.
It's good stuff.
Off in search of Polly,
M.
P.S. British humor is not for everyone. This was a hard lesson for me to learn.
-John Cleese
-Michael Palin
-Terry Gilliam
-Eric Idle
-Graham Chapman
-Terry Jones
-featuring Neil Innes & Carol Cleveland
I love funny men. Correction: I love these funny men.
Whether you're watching the Ministry of Silly Walks, the Fish Slapping Dance, or visiting shops for pets and cheese with Dead Polly Parrot, you are going to be laughing. Monty Python humor is timeless, unlike Saturday Night Live or MADTV, where the writers and performers constantly draw material from present day life and pop culture.
For example, I was watching an episode of Laugh In once (a 1960s variety-type show featuring a very young Goldie Hawn) and there were four jokes I didn't understand, right in a row. This wasn't because I was an idiot, rather I just don't know what was happening in politics one random week in the 60s.
Now think about the Pythons' irreverent wit. Will there ever be a time when a sketch entitled "Judges Recess" that features four solemn British barristers exiting the courthouse to run frolic in a playground isn't funny? Nope. Never.
It took me about three years, but I finally managed to collect just about everything MP ever did, and many of the spin-off projects they were involved with. Expect reviews on them later, of course. But for now, just pop in a MPFC DVD and make merry.
It's good stuff.
Off in search of Polly,
M.
P.S. British humor is not for everyone. This was a hard lesson for me to learn.
Day Twenty-Nine: Sex & the City
SEX & THE CITY
-Sarah Jessica Parker
-Kim Cattrall
-Cynthia Nixon
-Kristin Davis
There are two things I don’t understand about this series: why SJP wears a tutu in the opening sequence, and why she’s constantly pestering Mr. Big. Those of you familiar with the series know that Big (Chris Noth) is the nameless man of Carrie Bradshaw’s dreams. One episode they’re on, two episodes later Carrie becomes convinced he doesn’t love her enough, has a meltdown, and they’re off. Of course, Big can be a dog, but one can hardly blame him for eyeballing other women when Carrie’s always giving him her neurotic female psycho babble.
I suppose the series has to have a Carrie, because it has all other varieties of men and women very well represented. The four main characters are nothing but stereotypes, there’s no denying it. Charlotte York is constantly obsessed with finding the perfect husband, the perfect china pattern, and the perfect home in Connecticut before having perfect babies. You might think “obsessed” is too strong a word but trust me, it’s not. Homegirl is straight up crazy.
Then there’s Miranda Hobbes (Cynthia Nixon), high-powered New York attorney with flaming red hair to match her spicy, “men suck” attitude. She has a lot of “Oh crap, I’m single, I guess I need to scream about how much I hate men” moments. Naturally, she’s the career woman of the group who winds up pregnant, much to Charlotte’s frustration.
Samantha Jones is the whore of the group, plain and simple. She might sleep with three or four men per episode. I’m serious, it’s like she’s trying to start a collection.
And then there’s Carrie, who constantly pumps people for information about their most personal desires and opinions to base her newspaper articles on, all the while wearing the most absurd and repulsive looking outfits you can possibly imagine.
I think this show probably addresses every thing women have ever thought, wondered, freaked, cried, yelled, laughed, and gossiped about. Have you recently met a grieving widower in a cemetery? There’s an episode for that. Is your boyfriend obsessed with models? There’s an episode for that, too. Worried that you’re pregnant? Are you falling for your handyman? Do you hate pretending to be happy for people at weddings and baby showers? Then boy, are you in luck.
In many ways, S&TC is like a how-to (or how not to) manual for women. In closing, I can’t imagine any straight man voluntarily watching this show. And if they’re out there, I hope they keep all the valuable secrets they’ve learned from the S&TC crew to themselves. Once the mystery is gone, what else is there? Nothing but mascara and hairspray, my friend.
And now you know our secrets.
Final Grade: B
Off in search of my catty friends,
M.
-Sarah Jessica Parker
-Kim Cattrall
-Cynthia Nixon
-Kristin Davis
There are two things I don’t understand about this series: why SJP wears a tutu in the opening sequence, and why she’s constantly pestering Mr. Big. Those of you familiar with the series know that Big (Chris Noth) is the nameless man of Carrie Bradshaw’s dreams. One episode they’re on, two episodes later Carrie becomes convinced he doesn’t love her enough, has a meltdown, and they’re off. Of course, Big can be a dog, but one can hardly blame him for eyeballing other women when Carrie’s always giving him her neurotic female psycho babble.
I suppose the series has to have a Carrie, because it has all other varieties of men and women very well represented. The four main characters are nothing but stereotypes, there’s no denying it. Charlotte York is constantly obsessed with finding the perfect husband, the perfect china pattern, and the perfect home in Connecticut before having perfect babies. You might think “obsessed” is too strong a word but trust me, it’s not. Homegirl is straight up crazy.
Then there’s Miranda Hobbes (Cynthia Nixon), high-powered New York attorney with flaming red hair to match her spicy, “men suck” attitude. She has a lot of “Oh crap, I’m single, I guess I need to scream about how much I hate men” moments. Naturally, she’s the career woman of the group who winds up pregnant, much to Charlotte’s frustration.
Samantha Jones is the whore of the group, plain and simple. She might sleep with three or four men per episode. I’m serious, it’s like she’s trying to start a collection.
And then there’s Carrie, who constantly pumps people for information about their most personal desires and opinions to base her newspaper articles on, all the while wearing the most absurd and repulsive looking outfits you can possibly imagine.
I think this show probably addresses every thing women have ever thought, wondered, freaked, cried, yelled, laughed, and gossiped about. Have you recently met a grieving widower in a cemetery? There’s an episode for that. Is your boyfriend obsessed with models? There’s an episode for that, too. Worried that you’re pregnant? Are you falling for your handyman? Do you hate pretending to be happy for people at weddings and baby showers? Then boy, are you in luck.
In many ways, S&TC is like a how-to (or how not to) manual for women. In closing, I can’t imagine any straight man voluntarily watching this show. And if they’re out there, I hope they keep all the valuable secrets they’ve learned from the S&TC crew to themselves. Once the mystery is gone, what else is there? Nothing but mascara and hairspray, my friend.
And now you know our secrets.
Final Grade: B
Off in search of my catty friends,
M.
Day Twenty-Eight: Last Tango in Paris
LAST TANGO IN PARIS
Starring:
-Marlon Brando
-Maria Schneider
Directed by: Bernardo Bertolucci
Screenplay Credits: Bernardo Bertolucci & Franco Arcalli
MPAA Rating: Two versions: R & NC-17
Let me say this right up front. If anyone ever comes up to you and says, “Get me the butter,” DO NOT DO IT. Run screaming in another direction. Marlon Brando makes this poor girl do things no one should have to do. Not even hookers do some of this stuff, I’m telling you.
I do have to admit, I’m still not completely clear on what this movie is really about (besides two creepy people hooking up for sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight). Now the question you’re probably asking yourself at this point is, “M, why on earth do you even own this creepy movie?”
Well discerning blog reader, let me tell you. A friend found it in a five-dollar movie bin somewhere and, remembering how much I love movies, bought it for me. I didn’t have the heart to tell her how creepy it is.
Here’s what I was able to figure out before my eyes started bleeding: Marlon Brando is this 45-year-old American dude with terrible hair who is interested in renting an apartment. The Maria chick is a 20-year-old French woman who is also considering said apartment. They run into each other in the flat, briefly discuss who is going to get it, then they start going at it. Just out of nowhere. It’s very weird. So anyway, they put on their coats and leave. The girl runs to the train station to pick up her fiancé…what a skank.
Anyway, we learn that Brando’s wife has just committed suicide (she was probably upset that her husband was such a creepy freak) and that he now wants to have an abusive affair with this 20-year-old Parisian to get out some of his crazy.
Let me tell you, he puts this girl through the ringer, but not in happy fun ways. This is more like weird torture.
My favorite part of this movie is when the two of them sit in bed and make silly noises. That probably says something really strange about me, but I don’t care. Another cool part is when Brando demonstrates his acrobatics (fully clothed, mind you). If you’ve seen this bizarre movie you probably know what I’m talking about. It’s after the sodomy and before the record playing. He’s lying on his back on the floor; he reaches his arms above his head, pushes off the floor and is suddenly standing upright. For whatever reason, this trick fascinated me, and I rewound the DVD to watch it maybe four or five times.
Brando torments her with a dead rat and forces her to take a bath.
At last Brando tells the girl he loves her and he doesn’t care where they live or what people think, he just wants to be with her, which is nice but seems like a major case of “too little too late.” For a minute there you think it might actually end well for the two of them, but they get kicked out of a dance contest and she tells him it’s over. He chases her to the apartment, tells her he loves her again, she shoots him in the stomach, and he goes out on the balcony to die. I normally like sort of quirky movies, but this just wasn’t my kind of quirky.
Final Grade: C-
Off in search of something to make me feel clean again,
M.
Starring:
-Marlon Brando
-Maria Schneider
Directed by: Bernardo Bertolucci
Screenplay Credits: Bernardo Bertolucci & Franco Arcalli
MPAA Rating: Two versions: R & NC-17
Let me say this right up front. If anyone ever comes up to you and says, “Get me the butter,” DO NOT DO IT. Run screaming in another direction. Marlon Brando makes this poor girl do things no one should have to do. Not even hookers do some of this stuff, I’m telling you.
I do have to admit, I’m still not completely clear on what this movie is really about (besides two creepy people hooking up for sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight). Now the question you’re probably asking yourself at this point is, “M, why on earth do you even own this creepy movie?”
Well discerning blog reader, let me tell you. A friend found it in a five-dollar movie bin somewhere and, remembering how much I love movies, bought it for me. I didn’t have the heart to tell her how creepy it is.
Here’s what I was able to figure out before my eyes started bleeding: Marlon Brando is this 45-year-old American dude with terrible hair who is interested in renting an apartment. The Maria chick is a 20-year-old French woman who is also considering said apartment. They run into each other in the flat, briefly discuss who is going to get it, then they start going at it. Just out of nowhere. It’s very weird. So anyway, they put on their coats and leave. The girl runs to the train station to pick up her fiancé…what a skank.
Anyway, we learn that Brando’s wife has just committed suicide (she was probably upset that her husband was such a creepy freak) and that he now wants to have an abusive affair with this 20-year-old Parisian to get out some of his crazy.
Let me tell you, he puts this girl through the ringer, but not in happy fun ways. This is more like weird torture.
My favorite part of this movie is when the two of them sit in bed and make silly noises. That probably says something really strange about me, but I don’t care. Another cool part is when Brando demonstrates his acrobatics (fully clothed, mind you). If you’ve seen this bizarre movie you probably know what I’m talking about. It’s after the sodomy and before the record playing. He’s lying on his back on the floor; he reaches his arms above his head, pushes off the floor and is suddenly standing upright. For whatever reason, this trick fascinated me, and I rewound the DVD to watch it maybe four or five times.
Brando torments her with a dead rat and forces her to take a bath.
At last Brando tells the girl he loves her and he doesn’t care where they live or what people think, he just wants to be with her, which is nice but seems like a major case of “too little too late.” For a minute there you think it might actually end well for the two of them, but they get kicked out of a dance contest and she tells him it’s over. He chases her to the apartment, tells her he loves her again, she shoots him in the stomach, and he goes out on the balcony to die. I normally like sort of quirky movies, but this just wasn’t my kind of quirky.
Final Grade: C-
Off in search of something to make me feel clean again,
M.
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