THE INDIAN IN THE CUPBOARD
Starring:
-Richard Jenkins
-David Keith
Directed by: Frank Oz
Screenplay Credits: Melissa Mathison
MPAA Rating: PG
Omri is a horse-faced little boy who receives a magical cupboard for his 9th birthday. Omri soon discovers that if he puts a toy in the cupboard and locks the door, the toy will come to life. Omri creates Little Bear, an Iroquois warrior, and a few other little guys to play with.
For the most part, the dialogue is dry and fairly boring. The most interesting exchanges are between Little Bear and cowboy Boo-Hoo Boone. The funny dialogue comes out when the two are finally allowed to play off each other.
It's an interesting premise for a totally uninteresting movie, which only leaves you with two questions:
1.) Who do these children have such strange names? Omri and Gilley? Seriously?
2.) Why are there so many close-ups of this goofy looking child's head?
FINAL GRADE: C
Off in search of a wife,
M.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Day Ninety-Five: The Thornbirds
THE THORNBIRDS
Starring:
-Barbara Stanwyck
-Richard Chamberlin
-Rachel Ward
-Jean Simmons
-Bryan Brown
Directed by: Daryl Duke
Teleplay by: Carmen Culver
Barbara Stanwyck plays Mary Carson, the original white-haired horn dog. Mary owns Drogheda, an enormous sheep ranch in Australia. She is disgustingly wealthy, yet morally bankrupt. She's also in love with local priest Father Ralph de Bricassart, played by Richard Chamberlin (who, for whatever reason, has always reminded me of a velociraptor). Richard does not reciprocate these feelings; instead he has an obsession with Mary's young niece, Meggie Cleary. Secrets are revealed and old family struggles continue as the older generations pass away and the youngsters take over Drogheda.
The Thornbirds really is an epic romance that spans the generations. It's more than just Ralph and Meggie, it's the romance of the entire family. It's hard to explain, but it's almost TOO dramatic. One character or another is always waxing poetic (we're looking at you, Father Ralph) about the most random crap. Richard especially has the uncanny ability to launch into a weighty monologue at the drop of a hat, leaving his cast mates frozen beside him, very clearly bored and going over their shopping list in their heads.
And if you stick with the saga to the very end, Richard's endless squawking does become tiring. "I'm a priest! I'm a priest! I love you, but I love God more! BWOCK! I'm a priest!"
Polly want a cracker?
And if you can watch the scenes where Christopher Plummer sits and plays with his cat without thinking about Dr. Evil from Austin Powers, you're a much stronger woman than I.
"Ah, Sheba! Must you be so selfish? You make my legs numb!"
"Ah, Sheba! Must you always dig in your claws when you are happy?"
The scene where the fire breaks out on Drogheda is annoyingly reminiscent of the burning of Atlanta from GONE WITH THE WIND. As everything crackles and burns, one almost expects to see Rhett and Scarlet come flying through on their horse and buggy.
Also, is is just me or is this family constantly marching out to the cemetery to sad music? There's probably ten or twelve funeral sequences in this darn thing, which is bad news for the cast as every single one of them is a terrible cryer. Consider yourself warned, this epic features the most epically horrendous, phony looking crying I've ever seen.
In some scenes you just want to punch Father Ralph in the face. He orbits around Meggie her whole life, spending time with her, making daisy chains, braiding her hair, being her BFF, then he throws all that in her face and starts squawking about the priesthood again.
Meggie, you can never have him because blah, blah, he's a priest, blah.
And even if he wasn't a man of the cloth, you still wouldn't want him. Father Ralph is the kind of man who could never be married to a woman because he's only married to his job. But Meggie never seems to realize that it takes a mighty good man to be better than no man at all.
A few technical notes: the audio doesn't always sync up and diction isn't the actors' main concern. Occasionally, 'Drogheda' comes out more like 'Gordita' or 'Brigitta', bringing to mind either images of the fifth von Trapp child or cheap Mexican food.
For the most part though, I really enjoyed it and will probably watch it again someday.
The original complete saga is presented in two double-sided discs with a decent amount of special features, but the sweeping story of a sexy, forbidden romance is reason enough to give this DVD a whirl.
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of a cracker for Father Ralph,
M.
Starring:
-Barbara Stanwyck
-Richard Chamberlin
-Rachel Ward
-Jean Simmons
-Bryan Brown
Directed by: Daryl Duke
Teleplay by: Carmen Culver
Barbara Stanwyck plays Mary Carson, the original white-haired horn dog. Mary owns Drogheda, an enormous sheep ranch in Australia. She is disgustingly wealthy, yet morally bankrupt. She's also in love with local priest Father Ralph de Bricassart, played by Richard Chamberlin (who, for whatever reason, has always reminded me of a velociraptor). Richard does not reciprocate these feelings; instead he has an obsession with Mary's young niece, Meggie Cleary. Secrets are revealed and old family struggles continue as the older generations pass away and the youngsters take over Drogheda.
The Thornbirds really is an epic romance that spans the generations. It's more than just Ralph and Meggie, it's the romance of the entire family. It's hard to explain, but it's almost TOO dramatic. One character or another is always waxing poetic (we're looking at you, Father Ralph) about the most random crap. Richard especially has the uncanny ability to launch into a weighty monologue at the drop of a hat, leaving his cast mates frozen beside him, very clearly bored and going over their shopping list in their heads.
And if you stick with the saga to the very end, Richard's endless squawking does become tiring. "I'm a priest! I'm a priest! I love you, but I love God more! BWOCK! I'm a priest!"
Polly want a cracker?
And if you can watch the scenes where Christopher Plummer sits and plays with his cat without thinking about Dr. Evil from Austin Powers, you're a much stronger woman than I.
"Ah, Sheba! Must you be so selfish? You make my legs numb!"
"Ah, Sheba! Must you always dig in your claws when you are happy?"
The scene where the fire breaks out on Drogheda is annoyingly reminiscent of the burning of Atlanta from GONE WITH THE WIND. As everything crackles and burns, one almost expects to see Rhett and Scarlet come flying through on their horse and buggy.
Also, is is just me or is this family constantly marching out to the cemetery to sad music? There's probably ten or twelve funeral sequences in this darn thing, which is bad news for the cast as every single one of them is a terrible cryer. Consider yourself warned, this epic features the most epically horrendous, phony looking crying I've ever seen.
In some scenes you just want to punch Father Ralph in the face. He orbits around Meggie her whole life, spending time with her, making daisy chains, braiding her hair, being her BFF, then he throws all that in her face and starts squawking about the priesthood again.
Meggie, you can never have him because blah, blah, he's a priest, blah.
And even if he wasn't a man of the cloth, you still wouldn't want him. Father Ralph is the kind of man who could never be married to a woman because he's only married to his job. But Meggie never seems to realize that it takes a mighty good man to be better than no man at all.
A few technical notes: the audio doesn't always sync up and diction isn't the actors' main concern. Occasionally, 'Drogheda' comes out more like 'Gordita' or 'Brigitta', bringing to mind either images of the fifth von Trapp child or cheap Mexican food.
For the most part though, I really enjoyed it and will probably watch it again someday.
The original complete saga is presented in two double-sided discs with a decent amount of special features, but the sweeping story of a sexy, forbidden romance is reason enough to give this DVD a whirl.
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of a cracker for Father Ralph,
M.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Day Ninety-Four: The Tommyknockers
THE TOMMYKNOCKERS
Starring:
-Jimmy Smits
-Marg Helgenberger
-Traci Lords
Directed by: John Power
Teleplay by: Lawrence D. Cohen
MPAA Rating: unrated
Tommyknockers, Tommyknockers,
knocking at the door;
this freakin' movie is
such a bore!
Sorry Steve King, but for me, TOMMYKNOCKERS went bust.
Writer Marg Helgenberger discovers something sticking out of the ground on her property and convinces her boyfriend Jimmy Smits to help her dig it up. It soon becomes an obsession with Marg, as it emits a weird green glow and makes her feel all happy. Eventually, the town begins to fall under the thing's influence. Soon everyone but Jimmy Smits is subject to its mind control. Jimmy seems immune thanks to the metal plate in his head.
Things get especially weird when everybody starts pulling their teeth out, and my favorite part was when the frumpy housewife electrocuted her philandering husband with the aid of alien intelligence.
I love Jimmy Smits, cause he's all cute and junk, but his perfect mocha skin wasn't enough to redeem him in this case. Normally I can just close my eyes and imagine him as an Indian Chief and I get all happy inside. But not during TOMMYKNOCKERS.
Traci Lords is a decent actress, which might be surprising to some. Porn stars- former or current- aren't usually lauded for their mad dramatic skillz, but she was easily the most entertaining character in the film for me.
At any rate, THE TOMMYKNOCKERS is too long for its own good and completely not worth your time.
FINAL GRADE: D
Off in search of a typewriter that will do my work while I sleep,
M.
Starring:
-Jimmy Smits
-Marg Helgenberger
-Traci Lords
Directed by: John Power
Teleplay by: Lawrence D. Cohen
MPAA Rating: unrated
Tommyknockers, Tommyknockers,
knocking at the door;
this freakin' movie is
such a bore!
Sorry Steve King, but for me, TOMMYKNOCKERS went bust.
Writer Marg Helgenberger discovers something sticking out of the ground on her property and convinces her boyfriend Jimmy Smits to help her dig it up. It soon becomes an obsession with Marg, as it emits a weird green glow and makes her feel all happy. Eventually, the town begins to fall under the thing's influence. Soon everyone but Jimmy Smits is subject to its mind control. Jimmy seems immune thanks to the metal plate in his head.
Things get especially weird when everybody starts pulling their teeth out, and my favorite part was when the frumpy housewife electrocuted her philandering husband with the aid of alien intelligence.
I love Jimmy Smits, cause he's all cute and junk, but his perfect mocha skin wasn't enough to redeem him in this case. Normally I can just close my eyes and imagine him as an Indian Chief and I get all happy inside. But not during TOMMYKNOCKERS.
Traci Lords is a decent actress, which might be surprising to some. Porn stars- former or current- aren't usually lauded for their mad dramatic skillz, but she was easily the most entertaining character in the film for me.
At any rate, THE TOMMYKNOCKERS is too long for its own good and completely not worth your time.
FINAL GRADE: D
Off in search of a typewriter that will do my work while I sleep,
M.
Day Ninety-Three: Stevie Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble Live @ Montreux
SRV & DOUBLE TROUBLE LIVE @ MONTREUX
When SRV and Double Trouble originally appeared at the Montreux Music Festival in Switzerland, they were virtually unknown white guys playing the blues. They were the first unsigned group to appear at Montreux, and they actually got booed. Despite playing a good set, they are visibly shaken by the booers as they exit the stage.
Despite the reactions of a few disgruntled crowd members, the group did well at Montreux by meeting David Bowie, who was so impressed with Stevie Ray he asked him to play on his "Let's Dance" album.
By the time SRV & DT returned to Montreux in '85, they were at the top of their game.
Despite looking woefully stupid in that cowboy hat with the long, shaggy tail, Stevie Ray plays like he's got seconds to live. Fans are used to seeing him pour everything into every performance, but this time he's playing like he's really got something to prove. The energy in the room is electric and, lucky for us, that translates to the screen.
Due to Stevie Ray's tragic demise (which I freely admit to still sobbing about from time to time) future generations will never have the pleasure of shaking Stevie's incredibly talented hand, or experiencing firsthand one of his intense concerts. Thankfully, there are a handful of CDs and DVDs that keep his memory alive and well.
As for me and my house, the first thing I'm going to do when I get to heaven is thank Jesus and give him a big hug. The next thing I'm gonna do is smooch on my grandparents a little, but the third thing I'm gonna do is get tickets to see Stevie Ray.
I know he's up there playing, because for Stevie, it wouldn't be heaven without a guitar.
FINAL GRADE: A+
Off in search of my pride and joy,
M.
When SRV and Double Trouble originally appeared at the Montreux Music Festival in Switzerland, they were virtually unknown white guys playing the blues. They were the first unsigned group to appear at Montreux, and they actually got booed. Despite playing a good set, they are visibly shaken by the booers as they exit the stage.
Despite the reactions of a few disgruntled crowd members, the group did well at Montreux by meeting David Bowie, who was so impressed with Stevie Ray he asked him to play on his "Let's Dance" album.
By the time SRV & DT returned to Montreux in '85, they were at the top of their game.
Despite looking woefully stupid in that cowboy hat with the long, shaggy tail, Stevie Ray plays like he's got seconds to live. Fans are used to seeing him pour everything into every performance, but this time he's playing like he's really got something to prove. The energy in the room is electric and, lucky for us, that translates to the screen.
Due to Stevie Ray's tragic demise (which I freely admit to still sobbing about from time to time) future generations will never have the pleasure of shaking Stevie's incredibly talented hand, or experiencing firsthand one of his intense concerts. Thankfully, there are a handful of CDs and DVDs that keep his memory alive and well.
As for me and my house, the first thing I'm going to do when I get to heaven is thank Jesus and give him a big hug. The next thing I'm gonna do is smooch on my grandparents a little, but the third thing I'm gonna do is get tickets to see Stevie Ray.
I know he's up there playing, because for Stevie, it wouldn't be heaven without a guitar.
FINAL GRADE: A+
Off in search of my pride and joy,
M.
Day Ninety-Two: Where the Wild Things Are
WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE
Starring:
-Max Records
-Catherine Keener
Directed by: Spike Jonze
Screenplay Credits: Spike Jonze & Dave Eggars
MPAA Rating: PG
I wanted so much to like this movie. Sadly, it was not to be. Sometimes trying to turn a 12 page kids book into a feature length film isn't the greatest idea, and in this case Maurice Sendak's classic tale is best left alone.
Young Max is no longer simply a rambunctious, imaginative boy; instead he is moody little beast who seems desperately in need of therapy. After one of his many violent outbursts, Max runs away from home and boards a tiny vessel for a faraway land full of giant, strange-looking monsters. Max befriends Carol, the monster whom we will eventually realize is supposed to parallel the boy.
They run around getting into fights and such before Max realizes he should return home and apologize to his mother.
The monsters each seem to have a different personality and all are obnoxiously whiny. Some sequences are too scary for youngsters, but then I wouldn't want any of my children watching this stupid movie anyway.
FINAL GRADE: D-
Off in search of ANYTHING but this,
M.
Starring:
-Max Records
-Catherine Keener
Directed by: Spike Jonze
Screenplay Credits: Spike Jonze & Dave Eggars
MPAA Rating: PG
I wanted so much to like this movie. Sadly, it was not to be. Sometimes trying to turn a 12 page kids book into a feature length film isn't the greatest idea, and in this case Maurice Sendak's classic tale is best left alone.
Young Max is no longer simply a rambunctious, imaginative boy; instead he is moody little beast who seems desperately in need of therapy. After one of his many violent outbursts, Max runs away from home and boards a tiny vessel for a faraway land full of giant, strange-looking monsters. Max befriends Carol, the monster whom we will eventually realize is supposed to parallel the boy.
They run around getting into fights and such before Max realizes he should return home and apologize to his mother.
The monsters each seem to have a different personality and all are obnoxiously whiny. Some sequences are too scary for youngsters, but then I wouldn't want any of my children watching this stupid movie anyway.
FINAL GRADE: D-
Off in search of ANYTHING but this,
M.
Day Ninety-One: Deliverance
DELIVERANCE
Starring:
-Burt Reynolds
-Jon Voight
-Ned Beatty
-Ronny Cox
Directed by: John Boorman
Screenplay credits: James Dickey
MPAA: R
Well, this was my very first time watching DELIVERANCE, and even though I had no idea what to expect, I certainly was not expecting that. The first thing that needs to be mentioned before we go any further is this: HOLY CRAP, wouldja get a look at Burt Reynolds' arms?!?!
I maintain that he looks strange without his mustache, but this does not make him any less of a manbeast.
The basic plot (for those of you weirdos like me who never sat down with the hillbilly version of BOURNE IDENTITY) is this: four dudes from the city decide to get in touch with their Jeremiah Johnson sides and go canoeing down this river. The whole area (including the local town of inbred citizens) will soon be flooded thanks to the imminent construction of dam.
The fellas roll out to the country and one of them strikes up a rousting performance of "Dueling Banjos" with one of the aforementioned yokels (here it should be mentioned that the "yokel" in question also appeared as a banjo player in Tim Burton's 2003 hit BIG FISH).
The foursome then embarks on their little trip, cruising the rapids and having a grand ole time. That night they stop to make a fire. Ned Beatty is mean to his inflatable mattress and the guys hear "something or someone" in the woods.
The next day is when things start to get serious. Jon Voight & Ned Beatty get separated from Burt and Ronny Cox and wind up held at gunpoint by a couple of toothless mountain men. It soon becomes very clear that these men are, um, interested in some of that hot city of Sodom action. Poor Jon gets tied to a tree with his own belt and it forced to watch Ned squeal like a pig. And it is freaky. Also, does anybody ever confuse Ned Beatty with M. Emmett Walsh, or is that just me?
Anyway, Burt comes up on the bad guys with his bow and arrow and pegs one right through the middle.
Nice shot, Burt. Wanna meet up later?
The men hastily decide to bury the body and get the heck out of dodge. The possible murder charges and other implications of this act have now become the white elephant in the canoe.
The men decide that since one of them has now been anally raped, the fun is now over. They start paddling like crazy and Ronny Cox inexplicably tumbles out of the canoe. All the men freak and crash and poor Burt breaks his femur.
One of their canoes has been destroyed and they're convinced that Ronny was shot from afar by The Man Who Got Away. They've no choice but to stop for the night and Jon makes it his mission to kill the second hillbilly.
The rest of the movie was tense, but it does kind of go down hill after the "you got a purdy mouth" scene. At the end of the day, I would say that i enjoyed it about as much as anybody could. Good performances, nice shots, beautiful scenery, S &M... you know, everything that makes a great film.
I especially liked the use of banjo music. The beginning "duel" between the outsider and the yokel set the tone for the rest of the film, and the subsequent banjo-related scenes are eerie reminders that these guys are way out their element.
This movie also adds to The List of Awesome People (fictitious or non) Who are Skilled with Bows and Arrows (list includes such venerable folk as Luke Duke - seriously, who would name their kid that?- Chuck Norris, and my uncle Paul).
Closing thoughts: Knowing very few mountain men personally, I have to wonder whether or not they are offended by this movie. Either that, or they consider it akin to watching "America's Funniest Home Videos."
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of a good banjo.
M.
Starring:
-Burt Reynolds
-Jon Voight
-Ned Beatty
-Ronny Cox
Directed by: John Boorman
Screenplay credits: James Dickey
MPAA: R
Well, this was my very first time watching DELIVERANCE, and even though I had no idea what to expect, I certainly was not expecting that. The first thing that needs to be mentioned before we go any further is this: HOLY CRAP, wouldja get a look at Burt Reynolds' arms?!?!
I maintain that he looks strange without his mustache, but this does not make him any less of a manbeast.
The basic plot (for those of you weirdos like me who never sat down with the hillbilly version of BOURNE IDENTITY) is this: four dudes from the city decide to get in touch with their Jeremiah Johnson sides and go canoeing down this river. The whole area (including the local town of inbred citizens) will soon be flooded thanks to the imminent construction of dam.
The fellas roll out to the country and one of them strikes up a rousting performance of "Dueling Banjos" with one of the aforementioned yokels (here it should be mentioned that the "yokel" in question also appeared as a banjo player in Tim Burton's 2003 hit BIG FISH).
The foursome then embarks on their little trip, cruising the rapids and having a grand ole time. That night they stop to make a fire. Ned Beatty is mean to his inflatable mattress and the guys hear "something or someone" in the woods.
The next day is when things start to get serious. Jon Voight & Ned Beatty get separated from Burt and Ronny Cox and wind up held at gunpoint by a couple of toothless mountain men. It soon becomes very clear that these men are, um, interested in some of that hot city of Sodom action. Poor Jon gets tied to a tree with his own belt and it forced to watch Ned squeal like a pig. And it is freaky. Also, does anybody ever confuse Ned Beatty with M. Emmett Walsh, or is that just me?
Anyway, Burt comes up on the bad guys with his bow and arrow and pegs one right through the middle.
Nice shot, Burt. Wanna meet up later?
The men hastily decide to bury the body and get the heck out of dodge. The possible murder charges and other implications of this act have now become the white elephant in the canoe.
The men decide that since one of them has now been anally raped, the fun is now over. They start paddling like crazy and Ronny Cox inexplicably tumbles out of the canoe. All the men freak and crash and poor Burt breaks his femur.
One of their canoes has been destroyed and they're convinced that Ronny was shot from afar by The Man Who Got Away. They've no choice but to stop for the night and Jon makes it his mission to kill the second hillbilly.
The rest of the movie was tense, but it does kind of go down hill after the "you got a purdy mouth" scene. At the end of the day, I would say that i enjoyed it about as much as anybody could. Good performances, nice shots, beautiful scenery, S &M... you know, everything that makes a great film.
I especially liked the use of banjo music. The beginning "duel" between the outsider and the yokel set the tone for the rest of the film, and the subsequent banjo-related scenes are eerie reminders that these guys are way out their element.
This movie also adds to The List of Awesome People (fictitious or non) Who are Skilled with Bows and Arrows (list includes such venerable folk as Luke Duke - seriously, who would name their kid that?- Chuck Norris, and my uncle Paul).
Closing thoughts: Knowing very few mountain men personally, I have to wonder whether or not they are offended by this movie. Either that, or they consider it akin to watching "America's Funniest Home Videos."
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of a good banjo.
M.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Day Ninety: The Great Muppet Caper
THE GREAT MUPPET CAPER
Starring:
-Jim Henson's Muppets
Directed by: Jim Henson
Screenplay Credits: Tom Patchett, Jay Tarses, Jerry Juhl, & Jack Rose
MPAA Rating: G
Kermit and his "twin brother" Fozzie have just landed gigs as reporters for the Daily Chronicle. Sadly, their exuberant performances in the joyful opening number made them miss out on covering a daring jewel heist. All of the other newspapers are now running the story, and Kermit and Fozzie's boss is furious. He fires the fellas, who decide to hop a plane to jolly old England, find theft victim Lady Holiday, get the scoop, recover the missing jewels, and return home to claim their jobs.
Things soon get out of hand (this is a Muppet movie, what did you expect?) as Kermit mistakes Miss Piggy for Lady Holiday and the real Lady holiday's scheming brother (Charles Grodin, whom I adore) is in cahoots with Lady Holiday's three anorexic models Carla, Darla, and Marla, and they're trying to frame Miss Piggy for the thefts even though Charles is madly in love with her.
Just another day in the life of a Muppet.
As usual, there are some funny celebrity cameos. Miss Piggy breaks into John Cleese's mansion to impress Kermit, gets caught in the closet, and worms her way out of possible arrest by asking for directions to a good restaurant. Peter Falk even takes a turn as a know-it-all hobo.
In the end, justice is served and peace returns to Jim Henson's studios once more. Overall, this is not my favorite, but I do think the song "Happiness Hotel" is wildly entertaining and very fun to sing.
FINAL GRADE: B+
Off in search of the baseball diamond,
M.
Starring:
-Jim Henson's Muppets
Directed by: Jim Henson
Screenplay Credits: Tom Patchett, Jay Tarses, Jerry Juhl, & Jack Rose
MPAA Rating: G
Kermit and his "twin brother" Fozzie have just landed gigs as reporters for the Daily Chronicle. Sadly, their exuberant performances in the joyful opening number made them miss out on covering a daring jewel heist. All of the other newspapers are now running the story, and Kermit and Fozzie's boss is furious. He fires the fellas, who decide to hop a plane to jolly old England, find theft victim Lady Holiday, get the scoop, recover the missing jewels, and return home to claim their jobs.
Things soon get out of hand (this is a Muppet movie, what did you expect?) as Kermit mistakes Miss Piggy for Lady Holiday and the real Lady holiday's scheming brother (Charles Grodin, whom I adore) is in cahoots with Lady Holiday's three anorexic models Carla, Darla, and Marla, and they're trying to frame Miss Piggy for the thefts even though Charles is madly in love with her.
Just another day in the life of a Muppet.
As usual, there are some funny celebrity cameos. Miss Piggy breaks into John Cleese's mansion to impress Kermit, gets caught in the closet, and worms her way out of possible arrest by asking for directions to a good restaurant. Peter Falk even takes a turn as a know-it-all hobo.
In the end, justice is served and peace returns to Jim Henson's studios once more. Overall, this is not my favorite, but I do think the song "Happiness Hotel" is wildly entertaining and very fun to sing.
FINAL GRADE: B+
Off in search of the baseball diamond,
M.
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