Day Ninety-Five: The Thornbirds

THE THORNBIRDS

Starring:
-Barbara Stanwyck
-Richard Chamberlin
-Rachel Ward
-Jean Simmons
-Bryan Brown

Directed by: Daryl Duke

Teleplay by: Carmen Culver


Barbara Stanwyck plays Mary Carson, the original white-haired horn dog. Mary owns Drogheda, an enormous sheep ranch in Australia. She is disgustingly wealthy, yet morally bankrupt. She's also in love with local priest Father Ralph de Bricassart, played by Richard Chamberlin (who, for whatever reason, has always reminded me of a velociraptor). Richard does not reciprocate these feelings; instead he has an obsession with Mary's young niece, Meggie Cleary. Secrets are revealed and old family struggles continue as the older generations pass away and the youngsters take over Drogheda.

The Thornbirds really is an epic romance that spans the generations. It's more than just Ralph and Meggie, it's the romance of the entire family. It's hard to explain, but it's almost TOO dramatic. One character or another is always waxing poetic (we're looking at you, Father Ralph) about the most random crap. Richard especially has the uncanny ability to launch into a weighty monologue at the drop of a hat, leaving his cast mates frozen beside him, very clearly bored and going over their shopping list in their heads.

And if you stick with the saga to the very end, Richard's endless squawking does become tiring. "I'm a priest! I'm a priest! I love you, but I love God more! BWOCK! I'm a priest!"

Polly want a cracker?

And if you can watch the scenes where Christopher Plummer sits and plays with his cat without thinking about Dr. Evil from Austin Powers, you're a much stronger woman than I.

"Ah, Sheba! Must you be so selfish? You make my legs numb!"
"Ah, Sheba! Must you always dig in your claws when you are happy?"

The scene where the fire breaks out on Drogheda is annoyingly reminiscent of the burning of Atlanta from GONE WITH THE WIND. As everything crackles and burns, one almost expects to see Rhett and Scarlet come flying through on their horse and buggy.

Also, is is just me or is this family constantly marching out to the cemetery to sad music? There's probably ten or twelve funeral sequences in this darn thing, which is bad news for the cast as every single one of them is a terrible cryer. Consider yourself warned, this epic features the most epically horrendous, phony looking crying I've ever seen.

In some scenes you just want to punch Father Ralph in the face. He orbits around Meggie her whole life, spending time with her, making daisy chains, braiding her hair, being her BFF, then he throws all that in her face and starts squawking about the priesthood again.

Meggie, you can never have him because blah, blah, he's a priest, blah.

And even if he wasn't a man of the cloth, you still wouldn't want him. Father Ralph is the kind of man who could never be married to a woman because he's only married to his job. But Meggie never seems to realize that it takes a mighty good man to be better than no man at all.

A few technical notes: the audio doesn't always sync up and diction isn't the actors' main concern. Occasionally, 'Drogheda' comes out more like 'Gordita' or 'Brigitta', bringing to mind either images of the fifth von Trapp child or cheap Mexican food.

For the most part though, I really enjoyed it and will probably watch it again someday.

The original complete saga is presented in two double-sided discs with a decent amount of special features, but the sweeping story of a sexy, forbidden romance is reason enough to give this DVD a whirl.


FINAL GRADE: A-

Off in search of a cracker for Father Ralph,

M.