BLACK DOG
Starring:
-Patrick Swayze
-Randy Travis
-Meat Loaf
-Stephen “Oh Gah, Don’t You Love A Good Monkey” Toblowsky
Directed by: Kevin Hooks
Screenplay Credits: William Mickelberry & Dan Vining
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Car chase! Explosions! Agrument between FBI and ATF agents!
And so begins another exciting trucker movie.
Patrick is working as a mechanic. We learn that he was arrested for something and lost his CDL, but he was one of those legendary Bandit-style truckers. His boss pulls him aside and lays down the law: complete this off the books run for me (even though you are not longer licensed to drive a big truck) or I’ll fire you.
Patrick’s wife is the lady who killed herself on Wisteria Lane. She’s a pretty lady, but she doesn’t look right next to Patrick. She’s very pale, and she’s almost too tall for him. Also on her list of faults is the bank foreclosure letter she’s keeping hidden away from in the kitchen. This is the deciding factor for Patrick, who agrees to make the 15-hour Atlanta run.
Patrick dreams he’s cruising along in his rig, half-asleep, and he hits a creepy looking black dog.
This does not deter him from reporting to Meat Loaf in Atlanta. He meets Earl (Randy Travis), another driver. Meat Loaf likes coupons, and the Bible. Patrick hops into his BEAUTIFUL old Peterbilt along with Earl, who’ll bring the rig back from New Jersey. Wes and Sonny will be riding behind them running blocker for “protection.”
At this point, you’ll find yourself thinking, “Well, this is all well and good, but when is Randy Travis going to SING?!?”
The answer is: SOON. But be prepared, it won’t be pretty.
Also somebody who is NOT Eddie Rabbit sings “Driving My Life Away.”
Anyway, a car with only one headlight drives up and starts blasting away at them. They realize that the bad guys are working for Meat Loaf, who is trying to hijack the load. Thanks to some fancy driving, Patrick gets away.
Patrick asks what exactly he’s carrying, so they all pile into the back to see crates full of AK-47s. The bad guys go after Patrick’s wife and kid, Meat Loaf’s still chasing them, you know the story. Randy Travis tells the cryptic story of The Black Dog. It comes when you get greedy; it comes to take everything away from you…spoooooky.
I wish they’d done a little more with the black dog legend, because that part is actually a whole lot more interesting than the other plot they’ve come up with.
Patrick bargains with the bad guys to get his wife and daughter. The FBI rolls in just in time and a dramatic shootout occurs. Patrick gets a bloody lip but his wife kisses him anyway because hey, he’s Patrick Swayze.
The FBI was so thankful that they give Patrick his license back, and they save their house. Ain’t life grand?
This is a pretty stupid movie. It’s certainly not Patrick’s best work, but he makes up for it by breathily repeating a name that may or may not be mine again, and again, and again…
Just prepare to hear Swayze say the phrase, “I’m gonna get us out of this” about every twenty minutes. And, just in case you’re wondering, Randy does get to sing over the closing credits. Perhaps this is our reward for sitting through the whole movie…well, this and watching Meat Loaf meet Jesus in a fiery train explosion.
FINAL GRADE: C
Off in search of the dog,
M.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
Day Sixty-Four: Hannibal
HANNIBAL
Starring:
-Anthony Hopkins
-Julianne Moore
-Ray Liotta
-Gary Oldham (Sirius Black, although he’s totally unrecognizable)
Directed by: Ridley Scott
Screenplay Credits: David Mamet & Steve Zaillian
MPAA Rating: R
I had bad dreams last night about Ray Liotta and brains. Any guesses as to what movie I watched before tucking myself in?
Yup, HANNIBAL.
I had seen a teenie it of the baseball cap/brain part on television many, many years ago. I stared in horror with my mouth hanging open, then immediately shut the television off, left my bedroom, and tried to decide whether or not I wanted to puke.
Watching the movie in its entirety, even all these years later, had precisely the same effect on me.
Ray Liotta eating his own brain. SERIOUSLY?!?! Who comes up with this crap?
I guess the writers have to throw in stuff like that to keep you from liking Hannibal so much. Because really, he’s a likeable guy.
I never really liked Jodie Foster all that well (in any movie); but if anything can make me miss Jodie, it’s Julianne Moore. Something about her just annoys the ever-loving stew out of me. Rarely have I seen a Julianne Moore movie that didn’t make me want to slap her around a little.
I can’t explain it, I simply have taken a wild dislike to her. It’s funny too, she tried to make her voice sound huskier in this film.
Gosh, I hate it when movies switch actors on you. I know they asked Jodie to reprise her role and, like a simpleton, she refused. But the film would have been so much better had she returned. It’s like Samantha Stevens on BEWITCHED. She goes to sleep with a York and wakes up with a Sergeant and the world’s not supposed to notice?
Believe me… we notice. And we hate it! That is, everybody but Julianne Moore’s (and, coincidentally, Dick Sergeant’s) mom hates it.
Nevertheless, Sir Anthony carried the film, no matter what the fiendishly sadistic writers threw his way (dogs eating faces? Wild pigs attacking people? WTF, writers?)
I think I enjoyed the first film a bit more, but I also liked that this film focused more on Hannibal than another serial killer dude - except for the shoutout to Osama bin Laden.
FINAL GRADE: B-
Off in search of Dr. Lector,
M.
Starring:
-Anthony Hopkins
-Julianne Moore
-Ray Liotta
-Gary Oldham (Sirius Black, although he’s totally unrecognizable)
Directed by: Ridley Scott
Screenplay Credits: David Mamet & Steve Zaillian
MPAA Rating: R
I had bad dreams last night about Ray Liotta and brains. Any guesses as to what movie I watched before tucking myself in?
Yup, HANNIBAL.
I had seen a teenie it of the baseball cap/brain part on television many, many years ago. I stared in horror with my mouth hanging open, then immediately shut the television off, left my bedroom, and tried to decide whether or not I wanted to puke.
Watching the movie in its entirety, even all these years later, had precisely the same effect on me.
Ray Liotta eating his own brain. SERIOUSLY?!?! Who comes up with this crap?
I guess the writers have to throw in stuff like that to keep you from liking Hannibal so much. Because really, he’s a likeable guy.
I never really liked Jodie Foster all that well (in any movie); but if anything can make me miss Jodie, it’s Julianne Moore. Something about her just annoys the ever-loving stew out of me. Rarely have I seen a Julianne Moore movie that didn’t make me want to slap her around a little.
I can’t explain it, I simply have taken a wild dislike to her. It’s funny too, she tried to make her voice sound huskier in this film.
Gosh, I hate it when movies switch actors on you. I know they asked Jodie to reprise her role and, like a simpleton, she refused. But the film would have been so much better had she returned. It’s like Samantha Stevens on BEWITCHED. She goes to sleep with a York and wakes up with a Sergeant and the world’s not supposed to notice?
Believe me… we notice. And we hate it! That is, everybody but Julianne Moore’s (and, coincidentally, Dick Sergeant’s) mom hates it.
Nevertheless, Sir Anthony carried the film, no matter what the fiendishly sadistic writers threw his way (dogs eating faces? Wild pigs attacking people? WTF, writers?)
I think I enjoyed the first film a bit more, but I also liked that this film focused more on Hannibal than another serial killer dude - except for the shoutout to Osama bin Laden.
FINAL GRADE: B-
Off in search of Dr. Lector,
M.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Day Sixty-Three: Silence of the Lambs
SILENCE OF THE LAMBS
Starring:
-Anthony Hopkins
-Jodie Foster
-Ted Levine
Directed by: Jonathan Demme
Screenplay Credits: Ted Tally
MPAA Rating: R
“It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.”
If that doesn’t make your skin crawl, you must be weirdly inhuman.
This was my first time watching SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. I’m not sure how I avoided it all these years; it just never came up. I haven’t been hiding from it, though, and finding it in the five dollar bin at Wal-Mart couple with the sequel, HANNIBAL, reinforced my belief that 2010 is the year of trying new things.
I cuddled up in my bed with a bottle of water and a bowl of celery sticks (don’t judge me, they make a very satisfying crunch) and tried to prepare myself for whatever freaky crap this movie was going to throw at me.
It really wasn’t that bad. Hannibal the Cannibal is a brilliant but deadly doctor who has been locked away for several years. FBI trainee Claries Starling interests him, and he agrees to talk with her about the world’s latest serial madman “Buffalo Bill.” Starling has reason to believe that Lector knows the bad guy’s true identity. Claries figures it out and shoots him to death. Hannibal eats some people and breaks free.
The story you know; that’s not what I’m interesting in reporting. What interesting me is the little tidbit that BLEW MY MIND about this movie.
I don’t normally pay close attention to actor names in the beginning credits. I’d rather be thinking “Hey, it’s Agent Starling!” instead of “Hey, Jodie Foster has such a mannish voice!” So I ignored the name “Ted Levine” but believe you me, I know who that is.
It took me an embarrassingly long time to put it together though. Every time Buffalo Bill came on the screen, I actually averted my eyes. That is how creepy looking I found him. It wasn’t until the movie was approaching its final climactic scenes that I realized, “This guy sounds just like Captain Leland Stottlemeyer on MONK.”
And then I gasped the world’s hardest gasp and shook my head in disbelief for the duration of the film. It’s him! It really is him!
Now I’m almost desperate to watch an episode of MONK so I care stare at him (his creepy face and pasty serial killer body obscured by a tasteful suit and bushy mustache) and murmur “goodbye hoooooorseeeeeees” quietly to myself until my mother shuts off the television and tells me I’m adopted.
The movie? Not as freaky (or as good) as I thought it would be. Hannibal Lecotr is DEFINITELY a compelling character though. Sir Anthony gives a perfect, bone-chilling portrayal. I like Hannibal so well that I actually wanted him to go free, despite the fact that the mere thought of cannibalism makes me want to heave and gag my guts up. This is excellent writing, and superb delivery. I feel confident enough in my belief to say that Hannibal the Cannibal is one of the most interesting characters the screen may ever know.
And he has excellent taste in wine.
FINAL GRADE: B
Off in search of Miss Mofet,
M.
Starring:
-Anthony Hopkins
-Jodie Foster
-Ted Levine
Directed by: Jonathan Demme
Screenplay Credits: Ted Tally
MPAA Rating: R
“It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.”
If that doesn’t make your skin crawl, you must be weirdly inhuman.
This was my first time watching SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. I’m not sure how I avoided it all these years; it just never came up. I haven’t been hiding from it, though, and finding it in the five dollar bin at Wal-Mart couple with the sequel, HANNIBAL, reinforced my belief that 2010 is the year of trying new things.
I cuddled up in my bed with a bottle of water and a bowl of celery sticks (don’t judge me, they make a very satisfying crunch) and tried to prepare myself for whatever freaky crap this movie was going to throw at me.
It really wasn’t that bad. Hannibal the Cannibal is a brilliant but deadly doctor who has been locked away for several years. FBI trainee Claries Starling interests him, and he agrees to talk with her about the world’s latest serial madman “Buffalo Bill.” Starling has reason to believe that Lector knows the bad guy’s true identity. Claries figures it out and shoots him to death. Hannibal eats some people and breaks free.
The story you know; that’s not what I’m interesting in reporting. What interesting me is the little tidbit that BLEW MY MIND about this movie.
I don’t normally pay close attention to actor names in the beginning credits. I’d rather be thinking “Hey, it’s Agent Starling!” instead of “Hey, Jodie Foster has such a mannish voice!” So I ignored the name “Ted Levine” but believe you me, I know who that is.
It took me an embarrassingly long time to put it together though. Every time Buffalo Bill came on the screen, I actually averted my eyes. That is how creepy looking I found him. It wasn’t until the movie was approaching its final climactic scenes that I realized, “This guy sounds just like Captain Leland Stottlemeyer on MONK.”
And then I gasped the world’s hardest gasp and shook my head in disbelief for the duration of the film. It’s him! It really is him!
Now I’m almost desperate to watch an episode of MONK so I care stare at him (his creepy face and pasty serial killer body obscured by a tasteful suit and bushy mustache) and murmur “goodbye hoooooorseeeeeees” quietly to myself until my mother shuts off the television and tells me I’m adopted.
The movie? Not as freaky (or as good) as I thought it would be. Hannibal Lecotr is DEFINITELY a compelling character though. Sir Anthony gives a perfect, bone-chilling portrayal. I like Hannibal so well that I actually wanted him to go free, despite the fact that the mere thought of cannibalism makes me want to heave and gag my guts up. This is excellent writing, and superb delivery. I feel confident enough in my belief to say that Hannibal the Cannibal is one of the most interesting characters the screen may ever know.
And he has excellent taste in wine.
FINAL GRADE: B
Off in search of Miss Mofet,
M.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Day Sixty-One: Click
CLICK
Starring:
-Adam Sandler
-Kate Beckinsale
-Christopher Walken
Directed by: Frank Coraci
Screenplay Credits: Steve Koren & Mark O’Keefe
MPAA Rating: PG-13
The premise is a simple one. What if you had a universal remote that controlled your universe? It’s an idea I’ve certainly considered, even long before this movie was released. I’m sure you’ve had similar thoughts, especially when doing something hard or boring, like a math test or something similarly horrible. Add to that all the good things that could happen, like pausing something you liked the looks of, or muting the dog’s obnoxious barking.
Michael Newman enjoys both the blessings and the curses of the universal remote that he receives from Bed, Bath, & Beyond employee (and angel of death) Morty (Walken). When the remote starts controlling his entire life, Michael practically fast forwards to his death and winds up missing his entire life. His children grow up, his father passes, his wife marries someone else, and he even loses his beloved duck-humping golden retriever Sundance.
Eventually Michael experiences his own death and makes the amazing revelation that “family comes first.” Morty cuts him some slack and lets him get back to where he started. Only this time, Michael is kinda like an Aerosmith song. He doesn’t want to miss a thing.
While this starts out as a kind of raunchy comedy, it has an amazing message that actually made me tear up. I love the part when he bursts in on his parents in the middle of the night to hug and kiss them. If I could go back to another time and burst in on my parents or grandparents, I would hug and kiss them for hours.
This movie will mean more to you if you understand what it’s like to want to fast forward to the good parts of your life. If I ever have that temptation again, I will remember this movie and I will be smarter.
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of Way, Way Beyond,
M.
Starring:
-Adam Sandler
-Kate Beckinsale
-Christopher Walken
Directed by: Frank Coraci
Screenplay Credits: Steve Koren & Mark O’Keefe
MPAA Rating: PG-13
The premise is a simple one. What if you had a universal remote that controlled your universe? It’s an idea I’ve certainly considered, even long before this movie was released. I’m sure you’ve had similar thoughts, especially when doing something hard or boring, like a math test or something similarly horrible. Add to that all the good things that could happen, like pausing something you liked the looks of, or muting the dog’s obnoxious barking.
Michael Newman enjoys both the blessings and the curses of the universal remote that he receives from Bed, Bath, & Beyond employee (and angel of death) Morty (Walken). When the remote starts controlling his entire life, Michael practically fast forwards to his death and winds up missing his entire life. His children grow up, his father passes, his wife marries someone else, and he even loses his beloved duck-humping golden retriever Sundance.
Eventually Michael experiences his own death and makes the amazing revelation that “family comes first.” Morty cuts him some slack and lets him get back to where he started. Only this time, Michael is kinda like an Aerosmith song. He doesn’t want to miss a thing.
While this starts out as a kind of raunchy comedy, it has an amazing message that actually made me tear up. I love the part when he bursts in on his parents in the middle of the night to hug and kiss them. If I could go back to another time and burst in on my parents or grandparents, I would hug and kiss them for hours.
This movie will mean more to you if you understand what it’s like to want to fast forward to the good parts of your life. If I ever have that temptation again, I will remember this movie and I will be smarter.
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of Way, Way Beyond,
M.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Day Fifty-Nine: French Kiss
FRENCH KISS
Starring:
-Kevin Kline
-Meg Ryan
Directed by: Lawrence Kasdan
Screenplay Credits: Adam Brooks
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Kate (Ryan) has just been overseas dumped by her philandering slimeball fiancé (Timothy Hutton) who’s not ready to commit to her but is more that happy to settle down with a French “god-dess”. Despite her intense phobia of flying, Kate boards a plane to France to find her fiancé and force him to love her again. Beside her on the plane is Kevin Kline, a French con artist who is smuggling a vine (and an expensive diamond necklace) out of Canada in hopes of starting his own vineyard.
Through a series of comical mishaps, both characters are repeatedly thrown together until they realize they’re madly in love. Ah, romance.
I love this movie, mostly because of Kevin Kline. He’s a fascinating guy who always makes really interesting film choices. He’s the perfect charming “good guy” con man and he’s got just the right amount of danger to him with the stealing cars and pocket picking. I love the scene where his character first meets Kate. He realizes that she’s having a freak attack about flying, so he insults her during take off so that she doesn’t even notice until they’re already in the air. Then he gets her a little drunk.
Another element I liked about this film was the good ole standard “cop protects good hearted con man because good hearted con man once saved cop’s life” device. It’s been done to death, but it manages to be fresh and interesting within this world.
This movie also features my favorite version of Meg Ryan. She was still going through her “America’s Sweetheart” phase and she hadn’t yet done that weird plastic surgery thing to her lips that made her look like the Jack Nicholson Joker. She’s so good at playing needy neurotics that it makes you wonder how much of that is drawn from personal experience. Considering past events (Russell Crowe, you cad!), she probably isn’t so needy and neurotic. Just trampy and irresponsible. Which blew the door wide open for Julia Roberts to make her Pretty Woman self right at home.
This is one of the few romantic comedies that isn’t so treacly sweet it makes you want to vomit until you die. So watch it sometime.
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of my philandering fiancé,
M.
Starring:
-Kevin Kline
-Meg Ryan
Directed by: Lawrence Kasdan
Screenplay Credits: Adam Brooks
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Kate (Ryan) has just been overseas dumped by her philandering slimeball fiancé (Timothy Hutton) who’s not ready to commit to her but is more that happy to settle down with a French “god-dess”. Despite her intense phobia of flying, Kate boards a plane to France to find her fiancé and force him to love her again. Beside her on the plane is Kevin Kline, a French con artist who is smuggling a vine (and an expensive diamond necklace) out of Canada in hopes of starting his own vineyard.
Through a series of comical mishaps, both characters are repeatedly thrown together until they realize they’re madly in love. Ah, romance.
I love this movie, mostly because of Kevin Kline. He’s a fascinating guy who always makes really interesting film choices. He’s the perfect charming “good guy” con man and he’s got just the right amount of danger to him with the stealing cars and pocket picking. I love the scene where his character first meets Kate. He realizes that she’s having a freak attack about flying, so he insults her during take off so that she doesn’t even notice until they’re already in the air. Then he gets her a little drunk.
Another element I liked about this film was the good ole standard “cop protects good hearted con man because good hearted con man once saved cop’s life” device. It’s been done to death, but it manages to be fresh and interesting within this world.
This movie also features my favorite version of Meg Ryan. She was still going through her “America’s Sweetheart” phase and she hadn’t yet done that weird plastic surgery thing to her lips that made her look like the Jack Nicholson Joker. She’s so good at playing needy neurotics that it makes you wonder how much of that is drawn from personal experience. Considering past events (Russell Crowe, you cad!), she probably isn’t so needy and neurotic. Just trampy and irresponsible. Which blew the door wide open for Julia Roberts to make her Pretty Woman self right at home.
This is one of the few romantic comedies that isn’t so treacly sweet it makes you want to vomit until you die. So watch it sometime.
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of my philandering fiancé,
M.
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