Day Sixty-Six: Snow White

SNOW WHITE

As most of you already know, the Wicked Queen is Snow White’s stepmother. She’s obsessed with her appearance, and her Magic Mirror constantly reminds her that she’s the fairest of them all. The Queen and her mirror were terrifying to me when I was a kid. She turns into a crone and she’s got that creepy black bird, remember? Ooooh. Gives me shudders just thinking about it.

Anyway, one day the mirror tells her that Snow White is the fairest. She’s not having any of that, so she sends her Huntsman to kill Snow White and demands that he bring her heart in a box as proof of her death. The Huntsman can’t bring himself to kill Snow, so he tells her to run deep into the forest and hide from the Queen. Snow does, and the woodland creatures lead her to a small cottage. Snow busts in to make herself at home. She rightly assumes that people already live there, even though the place is a hovel. She gets to work moving everything around.

No, Snow White, you’ve got this all wrong. Seven tiny men might let you stay because you’re hot and you don’t mind cleaning, but they don’t want you rifling through their stuff. I can guarantee that. And I get that the woodland creatures are supposed to be helping her clean, but if you really look at them all they’re doing is rubbing their furry little bottoms all over everything. Watch the scene if you don’t believe me.

I love just about any scene with the dwarfs in it. I especially love the first song they have when they’re working with all the sparkling gems in the mine. They’re just so cute marching single file, singing “Heigh-Ho” with their little pickaxes! I remember that Doc was my favorite when I was a kid, but these days I’m kind of partial to Bashful. Dopey’s a fan favorite, of course, with his galloping dances and skipping around.

One thing I’ve always wanted to know…are the dwarfs brothers? Cousins? They must be related. Either that or all dwarfs look alike, which seems very racist. Dwarfist?

At any rate, when Snow White first sees them, she exclaims, “Why…why you’re little men!”

Way to rub it in, Snow.

Grumpy soon reveals himself to be ornery, suspicious, and resistant to all feelings of charity and goodwill. In other words, he’s a liberal. But seriously, folks, he has to be coerced into washing up for supper, a sure sign that he’s going to be trouble. Meanwhile, Dopey pounces after the soap like a little kitty. Eventually he swallows it and starts hiccupping bubbles.

Meanwhile, the Queen learns from that tattletale mirror of hers that Snow White is still alive and she’s shaking up with all those kinky dwarfs. They spend their nights dancing and yodeling by the fire; it’s positively salacious. The Queen drinks a potion to disguise herself (what happened to wigs?) and concocts the infamous poisoned apple to make Snow White fall into the sleeping death. The logic here seems off; one would think she’d want to make Snow ugly, not doze off. If she’s sleeping, she’s still going to lie there beautiful. She might require occasional dusting, but she won’t be any less attractive.

Back in the cottage, Snow White tells all the dwarfs about her charming Prince. Naturally, she does it in song. Cue “Someday my prince will come.”

It is here I must pause, take a page from Grumpy’s book, and snort with derision. I am one of Disney’s many victims. Thanks to these cuddly, sentimental movies, I have unrealistic expectations about love.

Before bed, Snow White kneels to offer up the Lord’s Prayer: “Bless the seven little men who have been so kind to me…and may my dreams come true.”

The Queen/Crone reads the antidote for reviving a victim of sleeping death. According to her potion book, it is love’s first kiss. Sappy. Anyway, the Queen cackles like mad, because she knows the dwarfs will think Snow White is dead and “BURY HER ALIVE! BURY! HER! ALIVE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHAH!”

Seriously, even the crow is scared of her.

The dwarfs head off to work. Snow White kisses each one of them on their bald little heads and sends them off to the mine. Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it’s off to work they go.

The Queen manages to get Snow to take a bite of the poison apple. The critters run off the warn the dwarfs that something is afoot, but by the time they make it to the cottage, Snow is collapsed on the floor and the Queen has stolen away in a storm. The dwarfs chase her up a mountain. She reaches the end of the cliff and tumbles off. Several rocks follow her down, crushing her, and the grossest animation of the film shows the cartoon vultures starting to circle her carcass. Ew.

Text on the screen informs is that the dwarfs thought Snow was so beautiful they couldn’t stand to bury her, so they made a coffin of class and gold. She’s all stretched out there and creepy looking and the dwarfs are bringing her flowers when the Prince rides up singing their song. The Prince kisses her, but this is Disney, so there’s no tongue involved. Snow’s eyes start to flutter and she wakes! Hoorah!

The Prince loads her up on his horse and rides her off to his castle. She finds time to kiss all the little men goodbye, and I like to think that they emptied the mine and relocated somewhere nearby Snow and the Prince.

Leave me my dreams.


FINAL GRADE: A-

Off in search of “…and they lived happily ever after”,

M.