SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE
Starring:
-Marlon Brando
-Gene Hackman
-Christopher Reeve
-Margot Kidder
Directed by: Richard Donner
Screenplay Credits: Mario Puzo, David Newman, Leslie Newman, & Robert Benton
MPAA Rating: PG-13 – for peril, some mild sensuality, and language (trust me, your kids can watch it)
Marlon Brando is one of Planet Krypton’s leading scientists. He also wears far too much eye makeup and is convinced that everyone needs to evacuate the planet. The Council thinks this is hogwash and warns Marlon that they’re gonna shoot him into the phantom zone and he’s all, “I don’t care what you do, just let me and my dog-faced wife and my little pudgy baby leave the planet.”
And the Council’s all like, “No.”
Jerks.
Anyway, Marlon explains to the audience that they’re shipping the kid to Earth so he won’t die when the planet is destroyed. He also clues us in that “because of his dense molecular structure, he will defy their gravity,” and he learn that he’ll be super freaky strong, but he’ll look just like those moron earthlings. All of this is good information.
I forgot to mention that Marlon and all the other Krypton people wear fancy white jumpsuits. They must go through Clorox like nobody’s business.
Back to the story. Baby Brando gets shipped away to Earth in his little pod just as the planet starts falling apart. How’s that for good timing? I don’t know why they didn’t just go with him. That seems like one of those questions that the screenwriters didn’t want us to ask.
So here goes the baby, falling to Earth in his little sky pod. It takes him a couple of years to get here, though, because he’s pretty much a toddler when he lands. A couple of simple country folk are happening by and they spot the little naked fellow. The woman decides that this is God finally givin’ them a little ‘un. We determine that the man has a heart condition, and that the toddler can lift the tail end of the car off the ground all by himself.
The Kents adopt the squirt and he grows up to be a strapping young yuppie that gets picked on by the jocks. He’ll show you, jocks! You just wait till you see his tights!
Clark kicks a football out of the atmosphere and runs faster than a speeding train. The effect here is so bad you might actually groan, so you should probably just close your eyes and imagine young Clark outrunning the train.
Boy that red shirt sure looks good with his jet-black hair and sexy skin tone. What can I say? Doesn’t hurt to look.
Anyway, Clark goes home and his dad shares some meaningful words of wisdom. Then Clark utters those fateful words, “Race ya!”
Needless to say, Clark’s pop keels over dead. Remember that heart device they so subtly told you about in the character introduction? That’s called, foreshadowing.
After the funeral, Clark gets out of bed in the wee hours to look at the green crystal thing his dad sent with him. Then he runs off across the amber waves of grain to stare pensively at the horizon and contemplate things of importance. His mom treks out to talk to him – seriously, it’s like five miles. And he tells her he’s headed north, which would piss me off if I were his mama. I mean here she took him naked off the side of the road and fed him and raised him all these years and the SECOND, I mean the VERY SECOND her husband kicks, ole Clark decides he’s heading out, too.
Now, when Clark said north I was thinking New York. Chicago maybe. But no, he goes to the frozen tundra. He’s hopping around on floating icebergs and stuff and he’s really underdressed for the climate. No mittens or anything.
Anyhow, somehow he knows that he must hurl this green glowing crystal stick thing out into the snow. Maybe there were instructions written on the side in tiny print, I don’t know. At any rate, he pitches it out and all this stuff starts coming up out of the water to make a fancy winter wonderland-ish crystal land. A ball of light appears and we see Marlon Brando again. Well, his head.
We figure out that this is like a time warp voicemail message. Sort of like afterlife skype-ing. Marlon gives Clark “the talk.” They probably talk about the birds and the bees, but the screenwriters didn’t feel it was important to add that scene. This scene is basically a chance for Marlon Brando to get in one last monologue and earn his millions.
All of a sudden, Clark becomes Christopher Reeve, which makes me think of horses, which makes sad for him.
Clark is a nerd who has started work at the Daily Planet. The chief asks terrible speller Lois Lane to show Clark the ropes.
“How do you spell massacre?” – Lois Lane
It’s hard for me to look at Lois, because I find Margot Kidder so dreadful. Why did they have to pick her? I mean, were there no other brunette actresses in Hollywood? Christopher Reeve was attractive enough that they could have gotten a Lois. I mean, if Seth Rogen were playing Superman, you’d want to make Lois a real dog so he would look better by comparison. I digress.
There are a couple of undercover cops sneaking around following a suspicious looking character. This is when we start hearing the name “Lex Luthor” getting bandied around.
Luthor (Hackman) is the “fiendishly gifted” criminal mastermind who’s got a swank underground lair that’s chock full of technology and books. We learn that Lex is preparing to pull off the crime of the century in mere days.
“Why is the most brilliantly diabolical leader of our time surrounding himself with total nincompoops?” Lex
Next we learn that Lois is one of these needy chicks who needs to have her life saved all the time. Lucky for her, Superman has been crushing on her pretty hard.
Watching Superman fly reminds me of how badly I wanted to ride the Superman ride in whatever theme park we were at. But I was too chicken to go by myself. Maybe one day I will get over my fear off falling out of a roller coaster and feel the breeze on my belly Clark Kent style.
Oh, right. The movie. I almost forgot. The following scenes are of Superman thwarting evildoers and saving kitties from tall trees.
Clark chats with his real dad some more. Marlon Brando Head has more advice for the young whippersnapper before fading out. He really needs a snappy fade out catchphrase if he’s gonna keep doing that. You know, like Ryan Seacrest does.
Jor-El, out!
I’m not crazy about Hackman as Luthor. He just isn’t dangerous. He’s too much of a buffoon. Interestingly, he does have most of the good lines.
“Next time, put my robe on after I’m out of the pool.” – Lex
Superman meets Lois on the roof. She’s all slutted up to see him, but he really is the all-American superstud. No drinking, no smoking, etc. Also, he never lies. The playful interview scene between Superman and Lois is really cute and adorably tense. This is probably my favorite scene so far.
As always, I need to take a minute to discuss the overall attractiveness of the male lead. Christopher Reeve is one of those good-looking people who seem to have been carved out of stone. And yet he has a boyish charm that’s almost catches you off guard.
If I were Lois, I would have to suggest that we join the Mile High Club. We wouldn’t need the airplane.
I’m sure it won’t surprise you to know that Lex is planning Superman’s demise with his moronic henchmen.
There’s a car wreck, and Larry Hagman gets to give a buxom beauty a “chest massage” followed by a little “mouth to mouth.”
Larry, you dog.
The is all part of Lex’s plan to contact Superman via dog frequency and get him into a trap. Superman walks right into Lex’s lair. Lex fills him in on the plan to destroy California.
“Otisburg? OTISBURG?!?!?!” – Lex
Lew whoops out the Kryptonite and Superman goes all diabetic coma. The buxom henchwoman decides to release Superman so that he can go save California and Lois Lane. He takes care of California but WHOOPS, Lois dies.
Sorry.
Unfortunately for all the innocent movie-watchers at home, Superman is grief-stricken that his unattractive, terrible actress girlfriend has been crushed in a rockslide, so he screams in fury before zooming backwards around the planet. Obviously, this turns back time and Superman manages to save her.
I always thought that was a kind of stupid device, but what can you do?
Superman is totally charming. He’s the perfect man, but he lets all those mere mortals off the hook since he’s from another planet. Lex Luthor has all of the fun lines in this film, and the opening sequences with Brando and the Council could have been greatly improved, but overall this is the granddaddy of superhero movies. John Williams’ Superman theme sounds just as thrilling today as it did all those years ago. Superman mania has been successful in every conceivable media: comic books, radio, stage, and both big and little screens.
Fun fact that most people my age don’t know, the black and white TV show THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN starred another superhunk, George Reeves. No relation to the Greek God featured in SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE. I just always thought it was neat their names were so similar. Plus he’s on an episode of I LOVE LUCY that is really, really funny.
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of Truth, Justice, and the American Way,
M.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Day Fifty-Seven: Les Miserables
LES MISERABLES
Starring:
-Liam Neeson
-Geoffrey Rush
-Uma Thurman
-Claire Danes
Directed by: Billie August
Screenplay Credits: Rafael Yglesias
MPAA Rating: PG-13 – for violence and some sexual content
When Jean Valjean was very young, he was starving in the streets. One day he stole a loaf of bread. For this crime he was captured, imprisoned, and forced to serve 19 years of hard labor in a work camp. One of his overseers, Javert, was especially brutal and Valjean never forgot his cruelty.
When Valjean is finally released, he is to meet a parole officer in another city. He stops in his travels to dine with a priest. In the middle of the night, he runs off with the house silver. The police arrest him just for looking suspicious and they bring him to the priest, who claims that the silver was a gift. He also gives Valjean the two silver candlesticks he left behind, telling him he must honor his promise to become a new man. This kind act touches Valjean deeply, and he goes on to make something of himself.
He neglects to meet with his parole officer and instead goes to the city of Vigou to get a job as a worker in a factory. The factory goes bankrupt and Valjean is able to use his meager savings to purchase and rebuild it. Valjean’s kindness is legendary, and the townspeople insist he become Mayor. Valjean reluctantly accepts the title and continues to do good work in the city.
Long story made short, he feels responsible for Fantine losing her job in his factory and becoming a prostitute. Now she’s dying of some random hooker disease and her child is stuck with some horrifyingly evil innkeepers in another city. Valjean promises Fantine that he will collect her child and take care of her. He assures her that Cosette will want for nothing.
Fantine dies and Valjean takes Cosette away from the innkeepers. All the while, Javert is on their trail. He wants to send Valjean back to prison for life for his parole violation. Javert is obsessed with rules and procedure and the keeping of the law. He’s very anal about it. Maybe he wasn’t breastfed.
Anyway, this is a really fine movie adaptation. It’s sweeping cinematically and visually very beautiful. Obviously some things had to be changed around and several things had to be omitted (I never liked you anyway, Eponine. You’re a man-stealing slut.), but it hits the high points and gets the main plotlines across.
Next to Valjean, my favorite character is Javert. He’s such an intriguing guy, and Geoffrey Rush is unbelievable in this part. I mean, you want to smack him, but you can’t wait to see what he’s gonna pull next.
I did sort of miss the songs in a couple of places, like at the innkeepers, but I most certainly did not miss hearing Fantine’s deathbed banshee screech: “Look, monsieur, at how the children PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!” It’s also good to be without little Cosette’s whimpy, tinny rendition of “Castle on a Cloud.”
But I did miss Javert’s “Stars” and I certainly missed the priest’s little song at the beginning when he gives Valjean the candlesticks (“But my friend, you left so early. Surely something slipped your mind. You forgot, I gave these also. Would you leave the best behind?”) I get chills every time he tells him his soul has been bought for God. CHILLS.
Whether you’re a fan of the musical or not, check this one out. It’s one of the coolest stories I’ve ever heard, and it’s magnificently told in this film.
FINAL GRADE: A+
Off in search of Valjean,
M.
Starring:
-Liam Neeson
-Geoffrey Rush
-Uma Thurman
-Claire Danes
Directed by: Billie August
Screenplay Credits: Rafael Yglesias
MPAA Rating: PG-13 – for violence and some sexual content
When Jean Valjean was very young, he was starving in the streets. One day he stole a loaf of bread. For this crime he was captured, imprisoned, and forced to serve 19 years of hard labor in a work camp. One of his overseers, Javert, was especially brutal and Valjean never forgot his cruelty.
When Valjean is finally released, he is to meet a parole officer in another city. He stops in his travels to dine with a priest. In the middle of the night, he runs off with the house silver. The police arrest him just for looking suspicious and they bring him to the priest, who claims that the silver was a gift. He also gives Valjean the two silver candlesticks he left behind, telling him he must honor his promise to become a new man. This kind act touches Valjean deeply, and he goes on to make something of himself.
He neglects to meet with his parole officer and instead goes to the city of Vigou to get a job as a worker in a factory. The factory goes bankrupt and Valjean is able to use his meager savings to purchase and rebuild it. Valjean’s kindness is legendary, and the townspeople insist he become Mayor. Valjean reluctantly accepts the title and continues to do good work in the city.
Long story made short, he feels responsible for Fantine losing her job in his factory and becoming a prostitute. Now she’s dying of some random hooker disease and her child is stuck with some horrifyingly evil innkeepers in another city. Valjean promises Fantine that he will collect her child and take care of her. He assures her that Cosette will want for nothing.
Fantine dies and Valjean takes Cosette away from the innkeepers. All the while, Javert is on their trail. He wants to send Valjean back to prison for life for his parole violation. Javert is obsessed with rules and procedure and the keeping of the law. He’s very anal about it. Maybe he wasn’t breastfed.
Anyway, this is a really fine movie adaptation. It’s sweeping cinematically and visually very beautiful. Obviously some things had to be changed around and several things had to be omitted (I never liked you anyway, Eponine. You’re a man-stealing slut.), but it hits the high points and gets the main plotlines across.
Next to Valjean, my favorite character is Javert. He’s such an intriguing guy, and Geoffrey Rush is unbelievable in this part. I mean, you want to smack him, but you can’t wait to see what he’s gonna pull next.
I did sort of miss the songs in a couple of places, like at the innkeepers, but I most certainly did not miss hearing Fantine’s deathbed banshee screech: “Look, monsieur, at how the children PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!” It’s also good to be without little Cosette’s whimpy, tinny rendition of “Castle on a Cloud.”
But I did miss Javert’s “Stars” and I certainly missed the priest’s little song at the beginning when he gives Valjean the candlesticks (“But my friend, you left so early. Surely something slipped your mind. You forgot, I gave these also. Would you leave the best behind?”) I get chills every time he tells him his soul has been bought for God. CHILLS.
Whether you’re a fan of the musical or not, check this one out. It’s one of the coolest stories I’ve ever heard, and it’s magnificently told in this film.
FINAL GRADE: A+
Off in search of Valjean,
M.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Day Fifty-Six: Sunshine Cleaning
SUNSHINE CLEANING
Starring:
-Amy Adams
-Emily Blunt
-Alan Arkin
Directed by: Christine Jeffs
Screenplay Credits: Megan Holley
MPAA Rating: R – language, disturbing images, some sexuality and drug use
Rose Lorkowski and her slacker sister Norah have stumbled into the crime scene clean-up business. Rose needs money to get her “imaginative” son Oscar into a better school and Norah’s just kind of a loser who’s out of a job.
Rose befriends a one-armed model maker who runs a cleaning supplies store, and she’s having an affair with her old high school sweetheart who is now married to a real b with a witch on it.
The movie follows the sisters’ exploits as they struggle to make their business a success. It doesn’t turn out too well, as Norah manages to burn one of their client’s homes down. It’s not all bad, because she saves a cute kitten. So yay! But anyway, Rose is pretty ticked off because now she owes like 40,000 bucks. In the end, Norah and her new kitty go off on a road trip to find themselves and Rose gets back into the clean-up scene, only this time she’s got a new name and a new partner…her eccentric salesman father (Alan Arkin).
Amy Adams is just as cute as a speckled puppy and when it’s time for her big meltdown scene toward the end she really breaks your heart. You feel bad for this adorable woman with the toned body and volumized hair.
I love Steve Zahn, but in this movie he plays a dog. A mean a real dirty old egg-sucking hound. Not an actual dog, you know. But like, a really immoral man.
Anyhow, this one has its merits and I guess I like it okay, but it isn’t one of my new favorites. I love the device with the mother and her bit part in a made for TV movie. That was a really cool element. Oscar got on my nerves a little bit, but that’s just because I don’t like it when parents can’t control their kids in public. It is for the same reason that I have never seen that John Ritter movie about the bad kid they adopt. I’m telling you, if I ever had a kid that like, the only thing they’d have in their bedroom was a mattress and a Bible. But that’s a rant for another day.
What was that movie called, anyway? PROBLEM CHILD? I know it was something like that. Justin, you’ll probably know.
FINAL GRADE: B-
Off in search of fancy corn,
M.
Starring:
-Amy Adams
-Emily Blunt
-Alan Arkin
Directed by: Christine Jeffs
Screenplay Credits: Megan Holley
MPAA Rating: R – language, disturbing images, some sexuality and drug use
Rose Lorkowski and her slacker sister Norah have stumbled into the crime scene clean-up business. Rose needs money to get her “imaginative” son Oscar into a better school and Norah’s just kind of a loser who’s out of a job.
Rose befriends a one-armed model maker who runs a cleaning supplies store, and she’s having an affair with her old high school sweetheart who is now married to a real b with a witch on it.
The movie follows the sisters’ exploits as they struggle to make their business a success. It doesn’t turn out too well, as Norah manages to burn one of their client’s homes down. It’s not all bad, because she saves a cute kitten. So yay! But anyway, Rose is pretty ticked off because now she owes like 40,000 bucks. In the end, Norah and her new kitty go off on a road trip to find themselves and Rose gets back into the clean-up scene, only this time she’s got a new name and a new partner…her eccentric salesman father (Alan Arkin).
Amy Adams is just as cute as a speckled puppy and when it’s time for her big meltdown scene toward the end she really breaks your heart. You feel bad for this adorable woman with the toned body and volumized hair.
I love Steve Zahn, but in this movie he plays a dog. A mean a real dirty old egg-sucking hound. Not an actual dog, you know. But like, a really immoral man.
Anyhow, this one has its merits and I guess I like it okay, but it isn’t one of my new favorites. I love the device with the mother and her bit part in a made for TV movie. That was a really cool element. Oscar got on my nerves a little bit, but that’s just because I don’t like it when parents can’t control their kids in public. It is for the same reason that I have never seen that John Ritter movie about the bad kid they adopt. I’m telling you, if I ever had a kid that like, the only thing they’d have in their bedroom was a mattress and a Bible. But that’s a rant for another day.
What was that movie called, anyway? PROBLEM CHILD? I know it was something like that. Justin, you’ll probably know.
FINAL GRADE: B-
Off in search of fancy corn,
M.
Day Fifty-Five: The Muppet Movie
THE MUPPET MOVIE
Starring:
-Jim Henson
-Frank Oz
-Charles Durning
-The Muppet Company
Directed by: James Frawley
Screenplay Credits: Jerry Juhl & Jack Burns
MPAA Rating: G
Kermit the Frog is a nobody, minding his own business and playing his banjo in his little swamp with a big shot Hollywood agent (Dom DeLuise) paddles by in a rowboat. The agent tells Kermit about the upcoming Hollywood auditions for frogs hoping to be rich and famous. At first, Kermit tells the man that he’s fine staying in his swamp, but the more he thinks about making millions and millions of people happy, he realizes that going to Hollywood is his dream.
Kermit packs up, hops on his bicycle, and says goodbye to his swamp. Along the way he meets up with Fozzie Bear (wacka, wacka, wacka!) Camilla the Hen, Gonzo the Whatever, Miss Piggy, Sweetums, Beaker and Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem, and an all-star cast of human entertainers including but not limited to Bob Hope, Milton Berle, James Coburn, Madeleine Kahn, Cloris Leachman, Carol Kane, Mel Brooks, Steve Martin, Richard Pryor, Telly Savalas, Orson Welles, and many others.
As they head toward Hollywood they are pursued by the evil Doc Hooper, the owner of a fried frog legs restaurant who has hopes of expanding his business into a fast food chain. Hopper is obsessed with Kermit, the singing, dancing, banjo-playing amphibian, and wants him to be the face of the frog legs franchise (say that five times fast).
Kermit repeatedly refuses the man, which angers him greatly. This all comes to a head in an old western ghost town where Animal (An-i-mal! An-i-mal!) saves the day. The Muppets arrive in Hollywood and are given the standard issue “rich and famous” Hollywood contract.
This movie is a celebration of the Muppets and all things Henson. The Muppets have always meant a great deal to me, plus they’re a lot cooler than all those Sesame Street hooligans. And while the Street Crew has seen countless changes with time, the Muppet Show Company is still standing, just as it did over fifty years ago.
And they’ve made millions, and millions, and MILLIONS of people happy.
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of the rainbow connection,
M.
Starring:
-Jim Henson
-Frank Oz
-Charles Durning
-The Muppet Company
Directed by: James Frawley
Screenplay Credits: Jerry Juhl & Jack Burns
MPAA Rating: G
Kermit the Frog is a nobody, minding his own business and playing his banjo in his little swamp with a big shot Hollywood agent (Dom DeLuise) paddles by in a rowboat. The agent tells Kermit about the upcoming Hollywood auditions for frogs hoping to be rich and famous. At first, Kermit tells the man that he’s fine staying in his swamp, but the more he thinks about making millions and millions of people happy, he realizes that going to Hollywood is his dream.
Kermit packs up, hops on his bicycle, and says goodbye to his swamp. Along the way he meets up with Fozzie Bear (wacka, wacka, wacka!) Camilla the Hen, Gonzo the Whatever, Miss Piggy, Sweetums, Beaker and Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem, and an all-star cast of human entertainers including but not limited to Bob Hope, Milton Berle, James Coburn, Madeleine Kahn, Cloris Leachman, Carol Kane, Mel Brooks, Steve Martin, Richard Pryor, Telly Savalas, Orson Welles, and many others.
As they head toward Hollywood they are pursued by the evil Doc Hooper, the owner of a fried frog legs restaurant who has hopes of expanding his business into a fast food chain. Hopper is obsessed with Kermit, the singing, dancing, banjo-playing amphibian, and wants him to be the face of the frog legs franchise (say that five times fast).
Kermit repeatedly refuses the man, which angers him greatly. This all comes to a head in an old western ghost town where Animal (An-i-mal! An-i-mal!) saves the day. The Muppets arrive in Hollywood and are given the standard issue “rich and famous” Hollywood contract.
This movie is a celebration of the Muppets and all things Henson. The Muppets have always meant a great deal to me, plus they’re a lot cooler than all those Sesame Street hooligans. And while the Street Crew has seen countless changes with time, the Muppet Show Company is still standing, just as it did over fifty years ago.
And they’ve made millions, and millions, and MILLIONS of people happy.
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of the rainbow connection,
M.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Day Fifty-Four: Stage Beauty
STAGE BEAUTY
Starring:
-Billy Crudup
-Claire Danes
-Rupert Everett
Directed by: Richard Eyre
Screenplay Credits: Jeffrey Hatcher
MPAA Rating: R – sexual content and language
Claire Danes plays a female theatre dresser who longs to be onstage. During this time, however, women are forbidden to perform. The general view back then was that the scandalous scenes and stories portrayed onstage would damage a sensitive female’s psyche far beyond repair. Know why this was the general view? Because MEN ARE STUPID.
Stupider still, all female roles in those days were played by men. This movie is about one such actor. The premise is really neat here: what happens to these female impersonators when women are finally allowed to take the stage?
Years of training in the art of acting like a woman have confused poor Billy Crudup’s character to the point where he no longer knows who he is, or what gender he’s attracted to…
The movie builds to a dramatic, powerful rendition of Desdemona’s murder from OTHELLO, with Danes played Desdemona and Crudup (who used to play Desdemona) as Othello. This is an incredible scene anyway, but its passion is even more intense when in the hands of two dedicated actors.
I would eagerly recommend this gender bending theatre tale to anyone interested in the time period, theatre history, seeing the guy who played Uncle Vernon in that random Harry Potter movie play a flaming fop, or watching Billy Crudup kiss other men.
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of the handkerchief I so loved,
M.
Starring:
-Billy Crudup
-Claire Danes
-Rupert Everett
Directed by: Richard Eyre
Screenplay Credits: Jeffrey Hatcher
MPAA Rating: R – sexual content and language
Claire Danes plays a female theatre dresser who longs to be onstage. During this time, however, women are forbidden to perform. The general view back then was that the scandalous scenes and stories portrayed onstage would damage a sensitive female’s psyche far beyond repair. Know why this was the general view? Because MEN ARE STUPID.
Stupider still, all female roles in those days were played by men. This movie is about one such actor. The premise is really neat here: what happens to these female impersonators when women are finally allowed to take the stage?
Years of training in the art of acting like a woman have confused poor Billy Crudup’s character to the point where he no longer knows who he is, or what gender he’s attracted to…
The movie builds to a dramatic, powerful rendition of Desdemona’s murder from OTHELLO, with Danes played Desdemona and Crudup (who used to play Desdemona) as Othello. This is an incredible scene anyway, but its passion is even more intense when in the hands of two dedicated actors.
I would eagerly recommend this gender bending theatre tale to anyone interested in the time period, theatre history, seeing the guy who played Uncle Vernon in that random Harry Potter movie play a flaming fop, or watching Billy Crudup kiss other men.
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of the handkerchief I so loved,
M.
Day Fifty-Three: Black Dynamite
BLACK DYNAMITE
Starring:
-Michael Jai White
-Tommy Davidson
-Arsenio Hall
-Nicole Sullivan (as Patricia Nixon)
-James McManus (as Tricky Dick Nixon)
Directed by: Scott Sanders
Screenplay Credits: Michael Jai White, Byron Minns, & Scott Sanders
MPAA Rating: R
Kung Fu. Outlandish clothes. Cool cars. Hookers. Ill-timed explosions. Women in various stages of undress. Numchucks. Grainy film quality. Man heels. Bead curtains. Starsky & Hutch/porn music. Wood paneling. Leather jackets. Shaky camerawork. Strange line delivery. Bloopers. Rhymes. Seriously, there is so much rhyming in this film you’ll think you’re trapped in some ghetto Dr Seuss time warp.
If you aren’t thinking about a certain infamous disco decade, there is either something wrong with you or you have not lived.
If you watch this movie, you would swear you were seeing one of the original blaxploitation blockbusters. I hate to constantly remind myself that this is a new release; it’s that good. Some dialogue is corny and poorly delivered. Other lines are so perfect you’ll be scrambling to write them down and desperate for an excuse to slip them into everyday conversation. I give you my word, BLACK DYNAMITE is totally on the level.
Also, Michael Jai White’s body is, in a word, beautiful. And you’ll have plenty of time to gawk at it when he’s standing around in his shorts. I just felt the need to pay a small tribute to his rippling pectorals.
BLACK DYNAMITE is afro-tastic! Can you dig it?
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of DYN-O-MITE! DYN-O-MITE!,
M.
Starring:
-Michael Jai White
-Tommy Davidson
-Arsenio Hall
-Nicole Sullivan (as Patricia Nixon)
-James McManus (as Tricky Dick Nixon)
Directed by: Scott Sanders
Screenplay Credits: Michael Jai White, Byron Minns, & Scott Sanders
MPAA Rating: R
Kung Fu. Outlandish clothes. Cool cars. Hookers. Ill-timed explosions. Women in various stages of undress. Numchucks. Grainy film quality. Man heels. Bead curtains. Starsky & Hutch/porn music. Wood paneling. Leather jackets. Shaky camerawork. Strange line delivery. Bloopers. Rhymes. Seriously, there is so much rhyming in this film you’ll think you’re trapped in some ghetto Dr Seuss time warp.
If you aren’t thinking about a certain infamous disco decade, there is either something wrong with you or you have not lived.
If you watch this movie, you would swear you were seeing one of the original blaxploitation blockbusters. I hate to constantly remind myself that this is a new release; it’s that good. Some dialogue is corny and poorly delivered. Other lines are so perfect you’ll be scrambling to write them down and desperate for an excuse to slip them into everyday conversation. I give you my word, BLACK DYNAMITE is totally on the level.
Also, Michael Jai White’s body is, in a word, beautiful. And you’ll have plenty of time to gawk at it when he’s standing around in his shorts. I just felt the need to pay a small tribute to his rippling pectorals.
BLACK DYNAMITE is afro-tastic! Can you dig it?
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of DYN-O-MITE! DYN-O-MITE!,
M.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Day Fifty-Two: The Invention of Lying
THE INVENTION OF LYING
Starring:
-Ricky Gervais
-Jennifer Garner
-Rob Lowe
Written and Directed by: Ricky Gervais & Matthew Robinson
MPAA Rating: PG-13
This is a neat little movie (especially if viewed with the knowledge that Gervais is a confirmed atheist) that has some very funny (truthful!) moments and overall, a good message.
Ricky Gervaise plays Mark Bellison, a screenwriter who lives in a parallel universe where all speak the truth and nothing but the truth, so help them Man in the Sky.
This movie manages to make its points without forcing them down your throat, or being overly preachy, which is a definite plus in my book. It is certainly laced with social commentary, but it’s done nicely. There is subtlety here, despite the fact that the characters are always blatantly, at times embarrassingly honest.
There are lots of good things happening in this movie, but my favorite is the romance between Mark and Anna (Garner). Anna knows that Mark is funny, sweet, gentle, and her best friend. She freely admits to loving him, but cannot bring herself to allow a romantic relationship between them for fear of having chubby kids with snub noses.
In the end, of course, Mark teaches her how to see a person’s inner beauty, and she discovers that those fat, snub-nosed children are exactly what she wants (a revelation that causes Mark to quip, “I’m your man!”).
It’s my understanding that this film marks Gervais’ directorial debut, and he certainly has reason to be proud. He somehow managed to assemble a great concept, clever writing, and a truly awesome cast. Look for cameos and bit parts from the likes of Jonah Hill, Tina Fey, Jeffrey Tambor, and Jason Bateman.
One thing I thought was especially neat was how no one used the word “truth” or “true”. Those words did not exist in this world. How could they? If no one (but Mark) can lie, then all must be truth, eliminating the nees for those particular vocab words. Nifty, eh?
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of falsehood,
M.
Starring:
-Ricky Gervais
-Jennifer Garner
-Rob Lowe
Written and Directed by: Ricky Gervais & Matthew Robinson
MPAA Rating: PG-13
This is a neat little movie (especially if viewed with the knowledge that Gervais is a confirmed atheist) that has some very funny (truthful!) moments and overall, a good message.
Ricky Gervaise plays Mark Bellison, a screenwriter who lives in a parallel universe where all speak the truth and nothing but the truth, so help them Man in the Sky.
This movie manages to make its points without forcing them down your throat, or being overly preachy, which is a definite plus in my book. It is certainly laced with social commentary, but it’s done nicely. There is subtlety here, despite the fact that the characters are always blatantly, at times embarrassingly honest.
There are lots of good things happening in this movie, but my favorite is the romance between Mark and Anna (Garner). Anna knows that Mark is funny, sweet, gentle, and her best friend. She freely admits to loving him, but cannot bring herself to allow a romantic relationship between them for fear of having chubby kids with snub noses.
In the end, of course, Mark teaches her how to see a person’s inner beauty, and she discovers that those fat, snub-nosed children are exactly what she wants (a revelation that causes Mark to quip, “I’m your man!”).
It’s my understanding that this film marks Gervais’ directorial debut, and he certainly has reason to be proud. He somehow managed to assemble a great concept, clever writing, and a truly awesome cast. Look for cameos and bit parts from the likes of Jonah Hill, Tina Fey, Jeffrey Tambor, and Jason Bateman.
One thing I thought was especially neat was how no one used the word “truth” or “true”. Those words did not exist in this world. How could they? If no one (but Mark) can lie, then all must be truth, eliminating the nees for those particular vocab words. Nifty, eh?
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of falsehood,
M.
Day Fifty-One: The Gamer
THE GAMER
Starring:
-Gerard Butler
-Michael C. Hall
-John Leguizamo
Directed by: Mark Leveldine & Brian Taylor
Screenplay Credits: Mark Leveldine & Brian Taylor
MPAA Rating: R
I hate this movie with a passion I can only describe as religious. John Leguizamo, you are too good for this. Gerard Butler, call me. First of all, let me say that I hate just about any movie that pushes its political agenda on you, and that’s pretty much all this film wants to do.
Moving on, this is a pathetic excuse for a movie with no real story and horrendous dialogue. Not that there is much dialogue in the first place. Mostly there’s running and shooting and things exploding…both body parts and trucks. Gerard Butler is still a mighty fine looking manbeast with maybe the most beautiful back I’ve ever seen.
This movie is so horrible that I’m at a loss for words. The only thing I liked at all is the big “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” musical number near the end. Michael C. has rhythm. This cannot be denied.
The premise sounds kind of cool. Gerard plays Kable in a military style battle simulator game where players control live humans. Sadly, the execution doesn’t even come close to working. It’s gross and horrible and I hope I never have to see this disjointed, incredibly boring film (and its odd, extreme close ups) again as long as I live.
Seriously, Gerard. Call me.
FINAL GRADE: F
Hate, hate, hate it.
Off in search of something more worth my time,
M.
Starring:
-Gerard Butler
-Michael C. Hall
-John Leguizamo
Directed by: Mark Leveldine & Brian Taylor
Screenplay Credits: Mark Leveldine & Brian Taylor
MPAA Rating: R
I hate this movie with a passion I can only describe as religious. John Leguizamo, you are too good for this. Gerard Butler, call me. First of all, let me say that I hate just about any movie that pushes its political agenda on you, and that’s pretty much all this film wants to do.
Moving on, this is a pathetic excuse for a movie with no real story and horrendous dialogue. Not that there is much dialogue in the first place. Mostly there’s running and shooting and things exploding…both body parts and trucks. Gerard Butler is still a mighty fine looking manbeast with maybe the most beautiful back I’ve ever seen.
This movie is so horrible that I’m at a loss for words. The only thing I liked at all is the big “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” musical number near the end. Michael C. has rhythm. This cannot be denied.
The premise sounds kind of cool. Gerard plays Kable in a military style battle simulator game where players control live humans. Sadly, the execution doesn’t even come close to working. It’s gross and horrible and I hope I never have to see this disjointed, incredibly boring film (and its odd, extreme close ups) again as long as I live.
Seriously, Gerard. Call me.
FINAL GRADE: F
Hate, hate, hate it.
Off in search of something more worth my time,
M.
Day Fifty: Jurassic Park
Jurassic Park
Starring:
-Sam Neill
-Laura Dern
-Jeff Goldblum
-Richard Attenborough
Directed by: Steven Spielberg
Screenplay Credits: Michael Crichton & David Koepp
MPAA Rating: PG-13 for intense science fiction terror
The basic gist of this movie is, there’s a Scottish Colonel Sanders looking fellow who’s got a fancy walking stick and more money than brains. He’s built Jurassic Park and he’s brought in some dinosaur experts, a lawyer and, inexplicably, his grandchildren to sign off on the safety of the park. Everybody arrives and they go on a tour and before you know it, NEWMAN has screwed everything up and the lawyer dies on the toilet. Whatta way to go.
Here’s something I have a problem with: why is the main power switch thing located aaaaaaaall the way on the other side of the compound? Why can’t everything be centrally located in the command center? Why do we have to depend on 10,000 volt electric fences? Surely the power’s gonna blink every once in a blue moon, did nobody think of that? I can’t even count the times my alarm clock has failed to wake me for an early class because of one of those darn power blinks. And sure, they only last a second, but one second is all a hungry velociraptor needs, people!
Several things in the movie set this one up for a sequel. First of all, NEWMAN!’s Barbasol can with all the DNA info was buried in a mudslide while that meatosaurus chowed down on his portly hide. Secondly, John Hammond’s walking cane with the amber mosquito made it out on the chopper with them, and finally, they left the island there without destroying the dinosaurs. Can you imagine if that was the island that Gilligan got shipwrecked on? Or how about the randomly selected location of the next season of Survivor? Those immunity challenges just got a lot tougher. If you lose and go to Tribal Council, they don’t send you packing… they feed you to the T-Rex. Just sit back and watch those ratings soar.
FINAL GRADE: B+
Off in search of the main power switch,
M.
Starring:
-Sam Neill
-Laura Dern
-Jeff Goldblum
-Richard Attenborough
Directed by: Steven Spielberg
Screenplay Credits: Michael Crichton & David Koepp
MPAA Rating: PG-13 for intense science fiction terror
The basic gist of this movie is, there’s a Scottish Colonel Sanders looking fellow who’s got a fancy walking stick and more money than brains. He’s built Jurassic Park and he’s brought in some dinosaur experts, a lawyer and, inexplicably, his grandchildren to sign off on the safety of the park. Everybody arrives and they go on a tour and before you know it, NEWMAN has screwed everything up and the lawyer dies on the toilet. Whatta way to go.
Here’s something I have a problem with: why is the main power switch thing located aaaaaaaall the way on the other side of the compound? Why can’t everything be centrally located in the command center? Why do we have to depend on 10,000 volt electric fences? Surely the power’s gonna blink every once in a blue moon, did nobody think of that? I can’t even count the times my alarm clock has failed to wake me for an early class because of one of those darn power blinks. And sure, they only last a second, but one second is all a hungry velociraptor needs, people!
Several things in the movie set this one up for a sequel. First of all, NEWMAN!’s Barbasol can with all the DNA info was buried in a mudslide while that meatosaurus chowed down on his portly hide. Secondly, John Hammond’s walking cane with the amber mosquito made it out on the chopper with them, and finally, they left the island there without destroying the dinosaurs. Can you imagine if that was the island that Gilligan got shipwrecked on? Or how about the randomly selected location of the next season of Survivor? Those immunity challenges just got a lot tougher. If you lose and go to Tribal Council, they don’t send you packing… they feed you to the T-Rex. Just sit back and watch those ratings soar.
FINAL GRADE: B+
Off in search of the main power switch,
M.
Day Forty-Nine: An American Werewolf in Paris
AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN PARIS
Starring:
-Tom Everett Scott
-Julie Delpy
-Vince Vieluf
-Phil Buckman
-Julie Bowen
Directed by: Anthony Waller
Screenplay Credits: Tim Burns & Tom Stern & Anthony Waller
MPAA Rating: R – werewolf violence/gore and for some sexuality/nudity
The only other time I have ever seen this movie was when my friend Miranda showed it to me. We were in sixth grade, and I remember thinking it was the worst movie I have ever seen. Yet, I also recall being oddly fascinated. Perhaps this was because I had not yet been indoctrinated into the world of crazy slasher thrillers, or maybe it was because I had taste.
These three idiot college dudes are on their “daredevil tour” of Europe. They break into the Eiffel tour after hours and climb all the way to the top. Here, Andy (Scott) decides to tie a rope around his ankle and do a little base-jumping. They hear a noise and it’s a beautiful woman who has come to kill herself. Andy saves her, she runs off, and he has to track her down. He learns that she’s mysterious, possesses great strength, and oh yeah, she’s a werewolf.
She doesn’t come out and say it, but they kind of figure it out when she and all her friends turn into werewolves and start eating people.
One of Andy’s friends discovers an amputee werewolf chained up in Seraphine’s cellar, and the other one gets his throat ripped out in the sewer.
Andy wakes up in fresh linens and a nicely decorated room. He’s in Seraphine’s house, and she’s in the kitchen making a blood smoothie. Here’s the Reader’s Digest Version: Andy is a werewolf now. He kills a couple of people and he has to make amends for this or their spirits will be doomed to walk the earth as the undead for all eternity. Bummer, right? With Seraphine’s help, he takes down the evil werewolves, then the two of them become human again, get married, and base-jump off the Statue of Liberty’s torch.
The dialogue is…not great. In some scenes it can only be described as awesomely bad. The concept, however, is not terrible. I liked all the interactions with the gruesomely made up undead people and would have enjoyed more. Of course, I probably just enjoyed them because they looked like zombies.
You can certainly tell that this film was written by men because of the gross-out humor and the boobs. Still, it could have been a lot worse. It was wacky and unusual and it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen, so I’m giving it a strong C. This would be a good movie for a rainy day when you want to curl up, waste a little time, and listen to people scream.
FINAL GRADE: C
Off in search of my lycanthropic cycle,
M.
Starring:
-Tom Everett Scott
-Julie Delpy
-Vince Vieluf
-Phil Buckman
-Julie Bowen
Directed by: Anthony Waller
Screenplay Credits: Tim Burns & Tom Stern & Anthony Waller
MPAA Rating: R – werewolf violence/gore and for some sexuality/nudity
The only other time I have ever seen this movie was when my friend Miranda showed it to me. We were in sixth grade, and I remember thinking it was the worst movie I have ever seen. Yet, I also recall being oddly fascinated. Perhaps this was because I had not yet been indoctrinated into the world of crazy slasher thrillers, or maybe it was because I had taste.
These three idiot college dudes are on their “daredevil tour” of Europe. They break into the Eiffel tour after hours and climb all the way to the top. Here, Andy (Scott) decides to tie a rope around his ankle and do a little base-jumping. They hear a noise and it’s a beautiful woman who has come to kill herself. Andy saves her, she runs off, and he has to track her down. He learns that she’s mysterious, possesses great strength, and oh yeah, she’s a werewolf.
She doesn’t come out and say it, but they kind of figure it out when she and all her friends turn into werewolves and start eating people.
One of Andy’s friends discovers an amputee werewolf chained up in Seraphine’s cellar, and the other one gets his throat ripped out in the sewer.
Andy wakes up in fresh linens and a nicely decorated room. He’s in Seraphine’s house, and she’s in the kitchen making a blood smoothie. Here’s the Reader’s Digest Version: Andy is a werewolf now. He kills a couple of people and he has to make amends for this or their spirits will be doomed to walk the earth as the undead for all eternity. Bummer, right? With Seraphine’s help, he takes down the evil werewolves, then the two of them become human again, get married, and base-jump off the Statue of Liberty’s torch.
The dialogue is…not great. In some scenes it can only be described as awesomely bad. The concept, however, is not terrible. I liked all the interactions with the gruesomely made up undead people and would have enjoyed more. Of course, I probably just enjoyed them because they looked like zombies.
You can certainly tell that this film was written by men because of the gross-out humor and the boobs. Still, it could have been a lot worse. It was wacky and unusual and it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen, so I’m giving it a strong C. This would be a good movie for a rainy day when you want to curl up, waste a little time, and listen to people scream.
FINAL GRADE: C
Off in search of my lycanthropic cycle,
M.
Day Forty-Eight: Double Jeopardy
DOUBLE JEOPARDY
Starring:
-Ashley Judd
-Tommy Lee Jones
-Bruce Greenwood
Directed by: Bruce Beresford
Screenplay Credits: David Weisberg & Douglas S. Cook
MPAA Rating: R - a scene of sexuality and some violence
If your husband makes a grand romantic gesture, sacrificing his desires to make you happy for the weened, be wary. He's probably looking to frame you for his murder. This is what happens to poor Ashley Judd in this movie. She wakes up alone on the boat, covered in blood and holding a knife. Naturally, she's arrested for her husband's murder. She goes to trial and says, "You have to believe me!" for about twenty minutes.
For a while, Ashley's young son Matty and his new caretaker Angela Green are coming to visit her, but they mysteriously disappear. Ashley's tough prison friends encourage her to track them down. She learns that her friend has moved to San Francisco and she begins to suspect that her panty-waste husband Nick is still alive.
A prison pal tells her about double jeopardy, so Ashley starts working out like crazy, cause one day she's gonna hunt him down like a dog in the woods and kill his ass.
"I gotta hand it to ya honey...it's just sheer hate drivin' you on!" - Prison Bitch
Six years go by and Ashley gets paroled. She's sent to Tommy Lee Jones' halfway house and starts hunting her son. She breaks into his former school to find that cretin Angela's new address. She's caught and picked up by Tommy. Since she's violated her parole, he's carting her back to jail to serve the rest of her sentence.
"Did you have a nice day at the beach?" - Tommy Lee
Ashley manages to break away from him. She visits her mama, who hands over a huge wad of cash and lends her a truck to find Matty. Ashley learns that Angela died in an "accident" and that her slimy husband and cute kid survived. You got yours, Angela.
Meanwhile, Tommy Lee is behind our heroine every step of the way. She figures out how to track her husband via his love for Wassily Kandinksy paintings, finding a New Orleans address for Jonathan Deveraux. Tommy catches up with her, so she totals his car before eluding him again.
Ashley hops a flight to Nawlins where she discovers her husband's participation in a bachelor auction. She gets some fancy new clothes in a scene that's an obvious shout-out to Pretty Woman Julia Roberts and goes to bid on Nick/Jonathan. Obviously, she is the winning bidder, and boy is he surprised. He tries to sweet talk her, but she's not taking any of his guff. Tommy Lee gets to Nick and warns him that Ashley's coming. Nick tricks Ashley into meeting him in a cemetery. He knocks her out and stuffs her in a vault. She wakes up, shoots her way out of the coffin, and is intercepting by Tommy Lee. The good news is, Tommy believes her now and helps her get a confession out of Nick. Nick starts shooting and pegs Tommy Lee, and finally, finally, FINALLY Ashley gets to shoot the crap out of her loser husband. She gets a full pardon and, most importantly, her son back.
This is a fairly good thriller. It's certainly satisfying in that the main character is vindicated and all the bad guys are brought to the ultimate justice. There will be no slipping though the cracks thanks to shady lawyers for Angela and Nick, as both are deader than dead. I'm not a huge supporter of Ms. Judd, but I did enjoy her performance in this film. Although I must admit to frequently being distracted by her cute little pixie ears.
FINAL GRADE: B+
Off in search of Alex Trebek,
M.
Starring:
-Ashley Judd
-Tommy Lee Jones
-Bruce Greenwood
Directed by: Bruce Beresford
Screenplay Credits: David Weisberg & Douglas S. Cook
MPAA Rating: R - a scene of sexuality and some violence
If your husband makes a grand romantic gesture, sacrificing his desires to make you happy for the weened, be wary. He's probably looking to frame you for his murder. This is what happens to poor Ashley Judd in this movie. She wakes up alone on the boat, covered in blood and holding a knife. Naturally, she's arrested for her husband's murder. She goes to trial and says, "You have to believe me!" for about twenty minutes.
For a while, Ashley's young son Matty and his new caretaker Angela Green are coming to visit her, but they mysteriously disappear. Ashley's tough prison friends encourage her to track them down. She learns that her friend has moved to San Francisco and she begins to suspect that her panty-waste husband Nick is still alive.
A prison pal tells her about double jeopardy, so Ashley starts working out like crazy, cause one day she's gonna hunt him down like a dog in the woods and kill his ass.
"I gotta hand it to ya honey...it's just sheer hate drivin' you on!" - Prison Bitch
Six years go by and Ashley gets paroled. She's sent to Tommy Lee Jones' halfway house and starts hunting her son. She breaks into his former school to find that cretin Angela's new address. She's caught and picked up by Tommy. Since she's violated her parole, he's carting her back to jail to serve the rest of her sentence.
"Did you have a nice day at the beach?" - Tommy Lee
Ashley manages to break away from him. She visits her mama, who hands over a huge wad of cash and lends her a truck to find Matty. Ashley learns that Angela died in an "accident" and that her slimy husband and cute kid survived. You got yours, Angela.
Meanwhile, Tommy Lee is behind our heroine every step of the way. She figures out how to track her husband via his love for Wassily Kandinksy paintings, finding a New Orleans address for Jonathan Deveraux. Tommy catches up with her, so she totals his car before eluding him again.
Ashley hops a flight to Nawlins where she discovers her husband's participation in a bachelor auction. She gets some fancy new clothes in a scene that's an obvious shout-out to Pretty Woman Julia Roberts and goes to bid on Nick/Jonathan. Obviously, she is the winning bidder, and boy is he surprised. He tries to sweet talk her, but she's not taking any of his guff. Tommy Lee gets to Nick and warns him that Ashley's coming. Nick tricks Ashley into meeting him in a cemetery. He knocks her out and stuffs her in a vault. She wakes up, shoots her way out of the coffin, and is intercepting by Tommy Lee. The good news is, Tommy believes her now and helps her get a confession out of Nick. Nick starts shooting and pegs Tommy Lee, and finally, finally, FINALLY Ashley gets to shoot the crap out of her loser husband. She gets a full pardon and, most importantly, her son back.
This is a fairly good thriller. It's certainly satisfying in that the main character is vindicated and all the bad guys are brought to the ultimate justice. There will be no slipping though the cracks thanks to shady lawyers for Angela and Nick, as both are deader than dead. I'm not a huge supporter of Ms. Judd, but I did enjoy her performance in this film. Although I must admit to frequently being distracted by her cute little pixie ears.
FINAL GRADE: B+
Off in search of Alex Trebek,
M.
Day Forty-Seven: Zombieland
ZOMBIELAND
Starring:
-Woody Harrelson
-Jesse
-Emma Stone
-Abigail Breslin
Directed by: Ruben Fleischer
Screenplay Credits: Rhett Reese & Paul Wernick
MPAA Rating: R
I’m gonna lay it all out there for you. When it comes to zombie movies, I can be hard to please. I am a Romero girl through and through, but even a couple of his left me as cold and emotionless as Bud the zombie (DIARY OF THE DEAD, I’m looking at you).
First of it all, zombies are not fast. They do not run. I’m sorry, those are the rules. That’s just the way it is. Zombies are rotting corpses. They cannot run, they only stagger.
Moving on…
I was a big SHAUN OF THE DEAD fan when it was released, and had heard reports that ZOMBIELAND was even better. My expectations weren’t that high going in, but less than five minutes after the film began, one single, beautiful thought kept running through my head… I LOVE THIS MOVIE.
Columbus and Tallahassee are both survivors in a world that has been overrun with zombies. The movie explains that this is more of a virus that has affected the population, instead of the traditional zombie outbreak. Because of this, the zombies are able to move faster, climb, and accomplish minor problem solving. Also, people who die don’t become zombies unless they have been bitten.
I have to tell you, I can’t keep it in any longer. Bill Murray is in this movie. The Zombie survivors crash at his California mansion, and they smoke pot and play Ghostbusters. It’s awesome. I’m telling you, it makes me want to be a better person. I can’t say anymore, because I don’t want to deny you of the joy that is watching this movie.
At one point, I was afraid that they were going to kill Tallahassee so he could go down in a blaze of glory. Thankfully, they did not. After seeing this movie, I have gained much respect for Abigail Breslin, not to mention my new admiration for Woody Harrelson.
The dialogue is amazing; every single joke is there and solid. Not to mention the fact that there is some hardcore zombie killing action. The cast works together outstandingly well. Even more than all the tendon chewing, I love the film’s message. The point is, you don’t have to get married and babies to have a family. Your family can be whoever you need them to be.
BILL MURRAY! WOO!
FINAL GRADE: A+
Off in search of a Twinkie,
M.
Starring:
-Woody Harrelson
-Jesse
-Emma Stone
-Abigail Breslin
Directed by: Ruben Fleischer
Screenplay Credits: Rhett Reese & Paul Wernick
MPAA Rating: R
I’m gonna lay it all out there for you. When it comes to zombie movies, I can be hard to please. I am a Romero girl through and through, but even a couple of his left me as cold and emotionless as Bud the zombie (DIARY OF THE DEAD, I’m looking at you).
First of it all, zombies are not fast. They do not run. I’m sorry, those are the rules. That’s just the way it is. Zombies are rotting corpses. They cannot run, they only stagger.
Moving on…
I was a big SHAUN OF THE DEAD fan when it was released, and had heard reports that ZOMBIELAND was even better. My expectations weren’t that high going in, but less than five minutes after the film began, one single, beautiful thought kept running through my head… I LOVE THIS MOVIE.
Columbus and Tallahassee are both survivors in a world that has been overrun with zombies. The movie explains that this is more of a virus that has affected the population, instead of the traditional zombie outbreak. Because of this, the zombies are able to move faster, climb, and accomplish minor problem solving. Also, people who die don’t become zombies unless they have been bitten.
I have to tell you, I can’t keep it in any longer. Bill Murray is in this movie. The Zombie survivors crash at his California mansion, and they smoke pot and play Ghostbusters. It’s awesome. I’m telling you, it makes me want to be a better person. I can’t say anymore, because I don’t want to deny you of the joy that is watching this movie.
At one point, I was afraid that they were going to kill Tallahassee so he could go down in a blaze of glory. Thankfully, they did not. After seeing this movie, I have gained much respect for Abigail Breslin, not to mention my new admiration for Woody Harrelson.
The dialogue is amazing; every single joke is there and solid. Not to mention the fact that there is some hardcore zombie killing action. The cast works together outstandingly well. Even more than all the tendon chewing, I love the film’s message. The point is, you don’t have to get married and babies to have a family. Your family can be whoever you need them to be.
BILL MURRAY! WOO!
FINAL GRADE: A+
Off in search of a Twinkie,
M.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Day Forty-Six: The Addams' Family Values
THE ADDAMS’ FAMILY VALUES
Starring:
-Anjelica Huston
-Raul Julia
-Christopher Lloyd
-Joan Cusack
-Christina Ricci
Directed by: Barry Sonnenfeld
Screenplay Credits: Paul Rudnick
MPAA Rating: PG-13
In an attempt to keep Pugsley and Wednesday from killing the new baby, Morticia and Gomez hire a beautiful new nanny, Debbie (Cusack). Wednesday’s no fool and thinks something’s amiss with Debbie. Since Wednesday is clearly on to her, Debbie convinces Morticia and Gomez that the kids want to go to summer camp. The camp counselors are none other than Christine Baranski and that annoying guy who stole Sigourney Weaver’s baby in Ghostbusters II. Another camper is that adorable little Jewish kid whose name escapes me. He and Wednesday are instantly attracted.
Back at home, Debbie is caring for young baby Pubert (I know, right?) and attempting to woo Uncle Fester. We learn that she is a dangerous criminal known only as The Black Widow. She marries wealthy men and murders them on their wedding night and poor Fester is her next victim. They quickly become engaged. Wednesday gets the news at camp, freaks, and tries to escape. The counselors catch them and sing Kumbaya at them.
Wednesday brings little Jewish Joel with her to the wedding. Debbie is an evil vision in white, but she’s clearly put off by Cousin Itt, who serves as minister for the affair. Wednesday catches the bouquet and Debbie and Fester go on to the honeymoon. Eventually, Debbie gives up on trying to kill him since everything she tries fails.
Back at camp, the counselors manage to break the outcasts spirits by cruel subjection to THE SOUND OF MUSIC, THE BRADY BUNCH, and ANNIE. When they finally emerge the happy hut, Wednesday smiles. She goes on to ruin the counselors’ big Thanksgiving themed pageant. She and Pugsley escape to save Fester from Debbie.
Debbie straps the family into electric chairs to show them a slideshow of all her previous murders. Baby Pubert saws his way out of his crib and comes to rescue the family. Debbie winds up getting electrocuted. Sad day, but happy ending.
I think I like this one better than the first. There were a lot more celebrity cameos, and the storyline is just better. Carol Kane plays the Granny this time, but she’s only recognizable by her voice. It would be interesting to see Pubert’s personality as he grows, but I have a feeling he would turn out like Wednesday and be a mastermind. Poor Pugsley is kind of a dull lump of dough. Still, you have to give him props for surviving all of Wednesday’s attempts to kill him.
Fun fact: Tony Shaloub plays Jorge the sailor and young Cynthia Nixon is an environmentalist nanny.
FINAL GRADE: B+
Off in search of mon cher,
M.
Starring:
-Anjelica Huston
-Raul Julia
-Christopher Lloyd
-Joan Cusack
-Christina Ricci
Directed by: Barry Sonnenfeld
Screenplay Credits: Paul Rudnick
MPAA Rating: PG-13
In an attempt to keep Pugsley and Wednesday from killing the new baby, Morticia and Gomez hire a beautiful new nanny, Debbie (Cusack). Wednesday’s no fool and thinks something’s amiss with Debbie. Since Wednesday is clearly on to her, Debbie convinces Morticia and Gomez that the kids want to go to summer camp. The camp counselors are none other than Christine Baranski and that annoying guy who stole Sigourney Weaver’s baby in Ghostbusters II. Another camper is that adorable little Jewish kid whose name escapes me. He and Wednesday are instantly attracted.
Back at home, Debbie is caring for young baby Pubert (I know, right?) and attempting to woo Uncle Fester. We learn that she is a dangerous criminal known only as The Black Widow. She marries wealthy men and murders them on their wedding night and poor Fester is her next victim. They quickly become engaged. Wednesday gets the news at camp, freaks, and tries to escape. The counselors catch them and sing Kumbaya at them.
Wednesday brings little Jewish Joel with her to the wedding. Debbie is an evil vision in white, but she’s clearly put off by Cousin Itt, who serves as minister for the affair. Wednesday catches the bouquet and Debbie and Fester go on to the honeymoon. Eventually, Debbie gives up on trying to kill him since everything she tries fails.
Back at camp, the counselors manage to break the outcasts spirits by cruel subjection to THE SOUND OF MUSIC, THE BRADY BUNCH, and ANNIE. When they finally emerge the happy hut, Wednesday smiles. She goes on to ruin the counselors’ big Thanksgiving themed pageant. She and Pugsley escape to save Fester from Debbie.
Debbie straps the family into electric chairs to show them a slideshow of all her previous murders. Baby Pubert saws his way out of his crib and comes to rescue the family. Debbie winds up getting electrocuted. Sad day, but happy ending.
I think I like this one better than the first. There were a lot more celebrity cameos, and the storyline is just better. Carol Kane plays the Granny this time, but she’s only recognizable by her voice. It would be interesting to see Pubert’s personality as he grows, but I have a feeling he would turn out like Wednesday and be a mastermind. Poor Pugsley is kind of a dull lump of dough. Still, you have to give him props for surviving all of Wednesday’s attempts to kill him.
Fun fact: Tony Shaloub plays Jorge the sailor and young Cynthia Nixon is an environmentalist nanny.
FINAL GRADE: B+
Off in search of mon cher,
M.
Day Forty-Five: The Addams Family
THE ADDAMS FAMILY
Starring:
-Anjelica Huston
-Christopher Lloyd
-Raul Julia
-Christina Ricci
Directed by: Barry Sonnenfeld
Screenplay Credits: Caroline Thompson & Larry Wilson
MPAA Rating: PG-13
The Addams’ family lawyer, Tully, needs money desperately. He decides that stealing from the Addams would be easy as pie, especially if he enlists a creepy woman and her strange son Gordon. Gordon poses as Uncle Fester, who has been missing for 25 years. He rejoins the family with a story about being discovered with amnesia in the Bermuda Triangle. He moves in, all the while plotting to discover the location of the family vault, rob them blind, and possibly kill them.
The family becomes suspicious and eventually even Gomez becomes convinces that Fester’s a phony. Gordon’s mom, posing as a German doctor, assures them that all is well and that the family is just having a little difficulty readjusting to one another. In reality, phony Fester has grown to love spending time with the creepy, kooky, mysterious, and spooky bunch. He especially enjoys the kids, Wednesday and Pugsley, and he teaches them all sorts of useful things, like how to blow up buildings and identify the many different varieties of scabs.
Dr. German tells the family that Fester must go back to the life he made for himself in the Bermuda Triangle, but Morticia and Gomez insist on throwing him a goodbye party with all the Addams clan. Imagine a Tim Burton family reunion.
As Gordon and his Mom prepare for the party, Wednesday walks in on them plotting the heist. They chase her into the graveyard, where she hides. “Fester” returns to the party where Gomez springs yet another “family tradition” on him. Fester handles this surprisingly well and dances the strange dance exactly as he’s supposed to. The family realizes that Wednesday is missing and Gomez finds her asleep in the family tomb.
Under his mother’s iron thumb, “Fester” becomes the executor of the estate and all the finances, which forces Gomez and the rest of the family into a cheap motel. They’re all forced to get “real jobs”, a task that ends with disastrous results. Morticia decides to take action and heads back to the mansion to confront Fester. She is captured by Gordon, his mom, and Tully. They put her on a rack to torture her, but naturally she enjoys it.
Thing braves busy traffic to find Gomez and tell him Morticia’s in trouble. Gomez rushes to her aid, but in the end it’s Fester who saves the day by literally blowing the bad guys into their graves.
Seven months later we learn that “Gordon” really is Uncle Fester, and that the creepy criminal woman really did find him tangled in a coral reef in the Bermuda Triangle. Strange.
Morticia tells Gomez she’s expecting a three-legged baby and they kiss dramatically while the rest of the family plays in the graveyard.
I like this movie. It’s not the greatest thing since sliced bread, but it is what it is. Everything is dark and cartoonish, which is as it should be. Raul Julia has Gomez’s wide-eyed earnestness down perfectly, and I love how Morticia was always standing in that same creepy, yet flattering light.
There are many, many allusions to the original television show, which is the appropriate thing to do when paying homage to TV characters. Just about every Addams quirk you can think of has been either represented or mentioned here: Gomez’s trains, Granny’s creepy recipes, Morticia snipping the heads off roses, Wednesday and Pugsley’s gruesome toys and games, and especially the epic and passionate love story of Gomez & Tish. One thing I have always loved about Gomez and Morticia is that they are all over each other, all the time. They are the ultimate horndogs. But they’re married, so it’s okay.
Gomez: Tish, how long has it been since we waltzed?
Morticia: Oh, Gomez….hours.
To me, the storyline is pretty much irrelevant because I simply enjoyed spending time in the Addams family world again. The actors may have changed, but the characters haven’t and I love them for it.
FINAL GRADE: B-
Off in search of a broomstick I can crawl on,
M.
Starring:
-Anjelica Huston
-Christopher Lloyd
-Raul Julia
-Christina Ricci
Directed by: Barry Sonnenfeld
Screenplay Credits: Caroline Thompson & Larry Wilson
MPAA Rating: PG-13
The Addams’ family lawyer, Tully, needs money desperately. He decides that stealing from the Addams would be easy as pie, especially if he enlists a creepy woman and her strange son Gordon. Gordon poses as Uncle Fester, who has been missing for 25 years. He rejoins the family with a story about being discovered with amnesia in the Bermuda Triangle. He moves in, all the while plotting to discover the location of the family vault, rob them blind, and possibly kill them.
The family becomes suspicious and eventually even Gomez becomes convinces that Fester’s a phony. Gordon’s mom, posing as a German doctor, assures them that all is well and that the family is just having a little difficulty readjusting to one another. In reality, phony Fester has grown to love spending time with the creepy, kooky, mysterious, and spooky bunch. He especially enjoys the kids, Wednesday and Pugsley, and he teaches them all sorts of useful things, like how to blow up buildings and identify the many different varieties of scabs.
Dr. German tells the family that Fester must go back to the life he made for himself in the Bermuda Triangle, but Morticia and Gomez insist on throwing him a goodbye party with all the Addams clan. Imagine a Tim Burton family reunion.
As Gordon and his Mom prepare for the party, Wednesday walks in on them plotting the heist. They chase her into the graveyard, where she hides. “Fester” returns to the party where Gomez springs yet another “family tradition” on him. Fester handles this surprisingly well and dances the strange dance exactly as he’s supposed to. The family realizes that Wednesday is missing and Gomez finds her asleep in the family tomb.
Under his mother’s iron thumb, “Fester” becomes the executor of the estate and all the finances, which forces Gomez and the rest of the family into a cheap motel. They’re all forced to get “real jobs”, a task that ends with disastrous results. Morticia decides to take action and heads back to the mansion to confront Fester. She is captured by Gordon, his mom, and Tully. They put her on a rack to torture her, but naturally she enjoys it.
Thing braves busy traffic to find Gomez and tell him Morticia’s in trouble. Gomez rushes to her aid, but in the end it’s Fester who saves the day by literally blowing the bad guys into their graves.
Seven months later we learn that “Gordon” really is Uncle Fester, and that the creepy criminal woman really did find him tangled in a coral reef in the Bermuda Triangle. Strange.
Morticia tells Gomez she’s expecting a three-legged baby and they kiss dramatically while the rest of the family plays in the graveyard.
I like this movie. It’s not the greatest thing since sliced bread, but it is what it is. Everything is dark and cartoonish, which is as it should be. Raul Julia has Gomez’s wide-eyed earnestness down perfectly, and I love how Morticia was always standing in that same creepy, yet flattering light.
There are many, many allusions to the original television show, which is the appropriate thing to do when paying homage to TV characters. Just about every Addams quirk you can think of has been either represented or mentioned here: Gomez’s trains, Granny’s creepy recipes, Morticia snipping the heads off roses, Wednesday and Pugsley’s gruesome toys and games, and especially the epic and passionate love story of Gomez & Tish. One thing I have always loved about Gomez and Morticia is that they are all over each other, all the time. They are the ultimate horndogs. But they’re married, so it’s okay.
Gomez: Tish, how long has it been since we waltzed?
Morticia: Oh, Gomez….hours.
To me, the storyline is pretty much irrelevant because I simply enjoyed spending time in the Addams family world again. The actors may have changed, but the characters haven’t and I love them for it.
FINAL GRADE: B-
Off in search of a broomstick I can crawl on,
M.
Day Forty-Three: Night at the Museum
NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM
Starring:
-Ben Stiller
-Robin Williams
-Dick van Dyke
-Mickey Rooney
Directed by: Shawn Levy
Screenplay Credits: Thomas Lennon & Robert Ben Garant
MPAA Rating: PG – mild action, language, and brief rude humor
I have no idea how many times I saw this movie when it first came out, but I do remember going to the cinema numerous times. Each time I took a different set of friends, and each time the results were the same: this movie rocks.
Ben Stiller plays Larry, a divorced dad whose life is going nowhere. He’s almost lost everything, and is forced to take a job as night watchman at New York’s Museum of Natural History. The museum is replacing their three old dude security guys (Rooney, van Dyke, and Bill Cobbs) with one man to save money.
Larry accepts his uniform, keys, flashlight, and a worn, dog-eared manual on running the place. He walks around, checks things out, and falls asleep. When he wakes up, all the exhibits start coming to life. I know! It’s awesome!
The T-Rex is my favorite because he’s like a big, slobbery puppy. He’s very playful and affectionate, and making him that way was a very smart move by the screenwriters. There are a couple of love stories going on, one between Sacajawea and Teddy Roosevelt, another between Larry and one of the museum tour guide people.
In the end, Larry figures out that everything comes to life because of a magical tablet that belonged to a young Egyptian pharaoh. The tablet not only brings all the exhibits to life, it made the three old security coots feel young again. I tell you friends; you have not lived until you have seen Mickey Rooney execute a pile driver on Ben Stiller.
One reason I praise this movie so highly is because it makes excellent use of two of our most talented, incredible living legends, Dick van Dyke and Mickey Rooney. It was so good to see them working on something like this, especially in “bad guy” roles that neither of them have had much experience playing.
Now, you have to be able to appreciate fantasy and tolerate the obligatory kiddie stuff (Good lord, Lawrence! Why are you slapping a monkey?), but any imaginative person who loves asking “What if?” could easily be captivated by this clever story.
I only just realized that Attila the Hun is played by the same dude who does Ken Tanaka in GLEE! How cool is that?
FINAL GRADE: A+
Off in search of gum-gum,
M.
Starring:
-Ben Stiller
-Robin Williams
-Dick van Dyke
-Mickey Rooney
Directed by: Shawn Levy
Screenplay Credits: Thomas Lennon & Robert Ben Garant
MPAA Rating: PG – mild action, language, and brief rude humor
I have no idea how many times I saw this movie when it first came out, but I do remember going to the cinema numerous times. Each time I took a different set of friends, and each time the results were the same: this movie rocks.
Ben Stiller plays Larry, a divorced dad whose life is going nowhere. He’s almost lost everything, and is forced to take a job as night watchman at New York’s Museum of Natural History. The museum is replacing their three old dude security guys (Rooney, van Dyke, and Bill Cobbs) with one man to save money.
Larry accepts his uniform, keys, flashlight, and a worn, dog-eared manual on running the place. He walks around, checks things out, and falls asleep. When he wakes up, all the exhibits start coming to life. I know! It’s awesome!
The T-Rex is my favorite because he’s like a big, slobbery puppy. He’s very playful and affectionate, and making him that way was a very smart move by the screenwriters. There are a couple of love stories going on, one between Sacajawea and Teddy Roosevelt, another between Larry and one of the museum tour guide people.
In the end, Larry figures out that everything comes to life because of a magical tablet that belonged to a young Egyptian pharaoh. The tablet not only brings all the exhibits to life, it made the three old security coots feel young again. I tell you friends; you have not lived until you have seen Mickey Rooney execute a pile driver on Ben Stiller.
One reason I praise this movie so highly is because it makes excellent use of two of our most talented, incredible living legends, Dick van Dyke and Mickey Rooney. It was so good to see them working on something like this, especially in “bad guy” roles that neither of them have had much experience playing.
Now, you have to be able to appreciate fantasy and tolerate the obligatory kiddie stuff (Good lord, Lawrence! Why are you slapping a monkey?), but any imaginative person who loves asking “What if?” could easily be captivated by this clever story.
I only just realized that Attila the Hun is played by the same dude who does Ken Tanaka in GLEE! How cool is that?
FINAL GRADE: A+
Off in search of gum-gum,
M.
Day Forty-Two: The Jerk
THE JERK
Starring:
-Steve Martin
-Bernadette Peters
Directed by: Carl Reiner
Screenplay Credits: Steve Martin, Carl Gottlieb & Michael Elias
MPAA Rating: R
The tagline of this movie is" From rags to riches...to rags." That sort of sums up the main plotline, but doesn't do this movie justice.
Navin R. Johnson was born a poor black child. It was never easy for him, as he grew up singing and dancing in a small shack with his big black family in Mississippi. One birthday, Navin learns that he was adopted (YOU MEAN I'M GONNA STAY THIS COLOR?!?!), and that Lawrence Welk-style music rocks his world. Once he finally discovers his rhythm, Navin has the courage to set out and become somebody.
Navin heads to St. Louis where he gets a job at a gas station. One day (after inventing a little glasses handle for one customer), a random sniper tries to kill him, Navin runs away and joins the circus, discovers his special purpose, meets a nice girl, makes his fortune, gets married, loses his fortune, and winds up a bum.
Of course, there is a surprise ending and Navin is redeemed. He and Marie return to Mississippi to dance with the family and they all live happily ever after.
This film has become sort of a cult classic since its release in 1979, and with good reason. The story is unpredictable and hilarious, the performances are fantastic, and the overall message is that it's okay to be stupid as long as you're nice about it. Navin is a moron, but he's a good guy who keeps his word and wants other people to be happy. We need more Navins in this world, and we certainly need more thermoses.
FINAL GRADE: A+
Off in search of a little boy wearing a tee shirt that says "BULL SHIT" on it,
M.
Slippery when wet!
Starring:
-Steve Martin
-Bernadette Peters
Directed by: Carl Reiner
Screenplay Credits: Steve Martin, Carl Gottlieb & Michael Elias
MPAA Rating: R
The tagline of this movie is" From rags to riches...to rags." That sort of sums up the main plotline, but doesn't do this movie justice.
Navin R. Johnson was born a poor black child. It was never easy for him, as he grew up singing and dancing in a small shack with his big black family in Mississippi. One birthday, Navin learns that he was adopted (YOU MEAN I'M GONNA STAY THIS COLOR?!?!), and that Lawrence Welk-style music rocks his world. Once he finally discovers his rhythm, Navin has the courage to set out and become somebody.
Navin heads to St. Louis where he gets a job at a gas station. One day (after inventing a little glasses handle for one customer), a random sniper tries to kill him, Navin runs away and joins the circus, discovers his special purpose, meets a nice girl, makes his fortune, gets married, loses his fortune, and winds up a bum.
Of course, there is a surprise ending and Navin is redeemed. He and Marie return to Mississippi to dance with the family and they all live happily ever after.
This film has become sort of a cult classic since its release in 1979, and with good reason. The story is unpredictable and hilarious, the performances are fantastic, and the overall message is that it's okay to be stupid as long as you're nice about it. Navin is a moron, but he's a good guy who keeps his word and wants other people to be happy. We need more Navins in this world, and we certainly need more thermoses.
FINAL GRADE: A+
Off in search of a little boy wearing a tee shirt that says "BULL SHIT" on it,
M.
Slippery when wet!
Monday, February 15, 2010
Day Forty-One: People Will Talk
PEOPLE WILL TALK
Starring:
-Cary Grant
-Jeanne Crane
Directed by: Joseph L. Mankiewicz
Screenplay Credits: Joseph L. Mankiewicz
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Dr. Noah Praetorius teaches at a medical college and is a patient favorite at his private clinic. Dr. P is known for treating his patients like people, instead of “sick people.” He’s got a couple of big fish on his plate, as he’s being charged with professional misconduct by his suspicious colleague Dr. Elwell, and he’s playing house with a knocked up single gal named Deborah whose papa won’t preach but she’s keeping her baby.
“Professor Elwell, you are the only man I know who can say 'malignant' the way other people say 'Bingo!'.” – Dr. P
There’s also a creepy, almost mute guy named Shunderson who looks like Jimmy Durante except way taller. Anyway, Noah marries Deborah because she keeps trying to kill herself. He claims he’s in love with her, and I guess he is, but he probably just wants to keep her from shooting herself.
There’s a great scene after they’ve married where Dr. P is celebrating his birthday with an enormous train set that spans the entire second story floor.
In the end, Dr. P tells his side of the story to the Medical College Board, they side with him, and Dr. Elwell runs off in a huff.
“Professor Elwell, you're a little man. It's not that you're short. You're...little, in the mind and in the heart. Tonight, you tried to make a man little whose boots you couldn't touch if you stood on tiptoe on top of the highest mountain in the world. And as it turned out...you're even littler than you were before.” -Shunderson
The lesson I take away from this movie is this: Since I am a young college student, if I allow a handsome, ill-fated soldier to impregnate me, Cary Grant will become my husband. This sounds like a win-win for everybody except the soldier. At least he would be guaranteed a good time before checking out. Oh, I am so bad.
Anyway, this is a great (albeit totally unrealistic) movie. Every time I watch it I fantasize about punching Jeanne Crane in the face and running off to play doctor (or at the very least, trains) with Cary Grant. Sadly, my unrequited love affair with Cary will remain exactly that, unless he magically appears in my bedroom tonight as an Incubus spirit. Hey, now! There’s a thought!
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of an EMF detector,
M.
Starring:
-Cary Grant
-Jeanne Crane
Directed by: Joseph L. Mankiewicz
Screenplay Credits: Joseph L. Mankiewicz
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Dr. Noah Praetorius teaches at a medical college and is a patient favorite at his private clinic. Dr. P is known for treating his patients like people, instead of “sick people.” He’s got a couple of big fish on his plate, as he’s being charged with professional misconduct by his suspicious colleague Dr. Elwell, and he’s playing house with a knocked up single gal named Deborah whose papa won’t preach but she’s keeping her baby.
“Professor Elwell, you are the only man I know who can say 'malignant' the way other people say 'Bingo!'.” – Dr. P
There’s also a creepy, almost mute guy named Shunderson who looks like Jimmy Durante except way taller. Anyway, Noah marries Deborah because she keeps trying to kill herself. He claims he’s in love with her, and I guess he is, but he probably just wants to keep her from shooting herself.
There’s a great scene after they’ve married where Dr. P is celebrating his birthday with an enormous train set that spans the entire second story floor.
In the end, Dr. P tells his side of the story to the Medical College Board, they side with him, and Dr. Elwell runs off in a huff.
“Professor Elwell, you're a little man. It's not that you're short. You're...little, in the mind and in the heart. Tonight, you tried to make a man little whose boots you couldn't touch if you stood on tiptoe on top of the highest mountain in the world. And as it turned out...you're even littler than you were before.” -Shunderson
The lesson I take away from this movie is this: Since I am a young college student, if I allow a handsome, ill-fated soldier to impregnate me, Cary Grant will become my husband. This sounds like a win-win for everybody except the soldier. At least he would be guaranteed a good time before checking out. Oh, I am so bad.
Anyway, this is a great (albeit totally unrealistic) movie. Every time I watch it I fantasize about punching Jeanne Crane in the face and running off to play doctor (or at the very least, trains) with Cary Grant. Sadly, my unrequited love affair with Cary will remain exactly that, unless he magically appears in my bedroom tonight as an Incubus spirit. Hey, now! There’s a thought!
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of an EMF detector,
M.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Day Forty: 40 Years of Sesame Street
40 YEARS OF SESAME STREET
When I saw this collection at the store, I knew I had to own it. No, not because I like to sit around Saturday morning eating cereal and watching musical puppet shows, but because I want my future offspring to be able to watch some of the same fine public television I experienced when I was a squirt.
This collection has much of what you’d expect, starting off with the first two decades of the show on Disc 1, with the more current sketches on Disc 2. I have to be honest here; Disc 1 is really the only reason to concern yourself with this set. That’s where all the good stuff is. Remember the King of Eight? How about SuperGrover? Or what about James Taylor singing “Jelly Man Kelly” with a pack of screaming ankle biters?
You’ll see cameos from all sorts of people like Madeleine Kahn, Jeremy Irons, Danny DeVito, Rhea Perlman, and Alicia Keys, not to mention all the Sesame Street standards, like Maria and Luis’ wedding or the “Hey kids, Mr. Hooper died!” episode.
My personal favorites are Bert and Ernie going fishing (Heeeeeeeeeeeere, FISHY FISHY FISHY FISHY FISHY FISHY!), and Kermit singing the African Alphabet song. These are happy childhood memories we’re talking about here. The only thing better than a walk down memory lane with the citizens of Sesame Street is an evening with Miss Piggy and her Muppet Show comrades.
Hmm, now I’m really in the mood for some bacon.
Off in search of The Pig and Her Frog,
M.
When I saw this collection at the store, I knew I had to own it. No, not because I like to sit around Saturday morning eating cereal and watching musical puppet shows, but because I want my future offspring to be able to watch some of the same fine public television I experienced when I was a squirt.
This collection has much of what you’d expect, starting off with the first two decades of the show on Disc 1, with the more current sketches on Disc 2. I have to be honest here; Disc 1 is really the only reason to concern yourself with this set. That’s where all the good stuff is. Remember the King of Eight? How about SuperGrover? Or what about James Taylor singing “Jelly Man Kelly” with a pack of screaming ankle biters?
You’ll see cameos from all sorts of people like Madeleine Kahn, Jeremy Irons, Danny DeVito, Rhea Perlman, and Alicia Keys, not to mention all the Sesame Street standards, like Maria and Luis’ wedding or the “Hey kids, Mr. Hooper died!” episode.
My personal favorites are Bert and Ernie going fishing (Heeeeeeeeeeeere, FISHY FISHY FISHY FISHY FISHY FISHY!), and Kermit singing the African Alphabet song. These are happy childhood memories we’re talking about here. The only thing better than a walk down memory lane with the citizens of Sesame Street is an evening with Miss Piggy and her Muppet Show comrades.
Hmm, now I’m really in the mood for some bacon.
Off in search of The Pig and Her Frog,
M.
Day Thirty-Nine: Dracula Dead and Loving It
DRACULA DEAD AND LOVING IT
Starring:
-Leslie Nielsen
-Mel Brooks
-Steven Weber
-Harvey Korman
Directed by: Mel Brooks
Screenplay Credits: Mel Brooks, Rudy De Luca & Steve Haberman
MPAA Rating: PG-13 - for comedic sensuality and gore
I adore Mel Brooks. I met him once in New York and made him laugh, which is one of the crowning moments in my short life to date. I normally neglect to mention that after I met him, I cried for twenty minutes. Such is the extent of my devotion to that teeny little man.
When you strip this one down to the bare bones, it isn’t too different than Bram Stoker’s DRACULA. Mel stars as Van Helsing, a vampire hunter who is hot on the trail of Count Dracula (Nielsen). Dracula is, as usual, hot on the trail of two emaciated looking women. Here’s my beef with Dracula. You’d think he’d go for the big healthy looking girls. Surely their blood would be richer and more satisfying than some stick thin hussy’s. I’m not knocking his choice for eternal bride, though. If you’ve got to spend it with somebody then John Ritter’s widow is probably a pretty safe bet. That chick’s pretty funny, and she’d have to be cool in order to snag John (RIP Jack).
My favorite scene in this movie is the big dance number near the end. This is when Val Helsing and his buddies are pretty sure Dracula is the vamp and they’re just trying to prove it. Everybody’s at a ball and Dracula is dancing with Mina (or is it Lucy? No, I think it’s Mina. Who names their kid Mina?) so they set up a giant mirror in front of the dance floor. Dracula and Mina are doing all these complicated dance moves and everybody’s oohing and aahing, but then they notice that Dracula has no reflection and that freaks them out a little.
This is strange, but I really liked how they would turn Dracula into a bat. He would have a bat body, but he still had Leslie Nielsen’s little head. How cute is that?
Despite my love for Mel, I can’t say that this film is one of his best. It has definite elements of a zany, silly Brooks comedy, but it can’t compete with heavy hitters like YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN or BLAZING SADDLES.
I think my favorite line from this movie belonged to Harvey Korman, just because it was so ridiculous: “Yes, we have Nosferatu! We have Nosferatu today!”
FINAL GRADE: C+
Off in search of a garlic necklace,
M.
Starring:
-Leslie Nielsen
-Mel Brooks
-Steven Weber
-Harvey Korman
Directed by: Mel Brooks
Screenplay Credits: Mel Brooks, Rudy De Luca & Steve Haberman
MPAA Rating: PG-13 - for comedic sensuality and gore
I adore Mel Brooks. I met him once in New York and made him laugh, which is one of the crowning moments in my short life to date. I normally neglect to mention that after I met him, I cried for twenty minutes. Such is the extent of my devotion to that teeny little man.
When you strip this one down to the bare bones, it isn’t too different than Bram Stoker’s DRACULA. Mel stars as Van Helsing, a vampire hunter who is hot on the trail of Count Dracula (Nielsen). Dracula is, as usual, hot on the trail of two emaciated looking women. Here’s my beef with Dracula. You’d think he’d go for the big healthy looking girls. Surely their blood would be richer and more satisfying than some stick thin hussy’s. I’m not knocking his choice for eternal bride, though. If you’ve got to spend it with somebody then John Ritter’s widow is probably a pretty safe bet. That chick’s pretty funny, and she’d have to be cool in order to snag John (RIP Jack).
My favorite scene in this movie is the big dance number near the end. This is when Val Helsing and his buddies are pretty sure Dracula is the vamp and they’re just trying to prove it. Everybody’s at a ball and Dracula is dancing with Mina (or is it Lucy? No, I think it’s Mina. Who names their kid Mina?) so they set up a giant mirror in front of the dance floor. Dracula and Mina are doing all these complicated dance moves and everybody’s oohing and aahing, but then they notice that Dracula has no reflection and that freaks them out a little.
This is strange, but I really liked how they would turn Dracula into a bat. He would have a bat body, but he still had Leslie Nielsen’s little head. How cute is that?
Despite my love for Mel, I can’t say that this film is one of his best. It has definite elements of a zany, silly Brooks comedy, but it can’t compete with heavy hitters like YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN or BLAZING SADDLES.
I think my favorite line from this movie belonged to Harvey Korman, just because it was so ridiculous: “Yes, we have Nosferatu! We have Nosferatu today!”
FINAL GRADE: C+
Off in search of a garlic necklace,
M.
Day Thirty-Eight : Animal House
ANIMAL HOUSE
Starring:
-John Belushi
-Peter Reigert
-Karen Allen
-Donald Sutherland
Directed by: John Landis
Screenplay Credits: Harold Ramis, Douglas Kennedy & Chris Miller
MPAA Rating: R – this movie has even more boobs than Congress
“Thank you, sir! May I have another?”
“A pledge pin! On your uniform?!?!?!”
“Can I just massage your thighs while you eat?”
“God knows how they’ve molested women…”
“TOGA! TOGA!”
“It’s not gonna be an orgy…it’s a toga party.”
“My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.”
If saying any of the above, sawing up a dead horse, watching college girls pillow fight, playing with your food, or screwing around with the dean’s wife holds any appeal for you, then ANIMAL HOUSE is the film for you. My brethren, believe me when I say that this movie gives me chills. It is perfect in its perversion.
ANIMAL HOUSE is the story of the wildest fraternity in history. The Delta boys are on double-secret probation and Dean Wormer is trying every trick in the book to revoke their charter. Of course the Deltas prevail in the end, but not before causing sheer pandemonium at the homecoming parade.
If you’ve never seen this movie (and you have a sense of humor) stop whatever it is you are doing. I’m telling you, nothing except your eternal salvation or Catherine Zeta Jones in the nude is more important than seeing this movie as soon as humanly possible.
You know, I once dated a guy who reminded me so much of D-Day that it was creepy, but that’s a story for another day.
Off in search of ten thousand marbles,
M.
Starring:
-John Belushi
-Peter Reigert
-Karen Allen
-Donald Sutherland
Directed by: John Landis
Screenplay Credits: Harold Ramis, Douglas Kennedy & Chris Miller
MPAA Rating: R – this movie has even more boobs than Congress
“Thank you, sir! May I have another?”
“A pledge pin! On your uniform?!?!?!”
“Can I just massage your thighs while you eat?”
“God knows how they’ve molested women…”
“TOGA! TOGA!”
“It’s not gonna be an orgy…it’s a toga party.”
“My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.”
If saying any of the above, sawing up a dead horse, watching college girls pillow fight, playing with your food, or screwing around with the dean’s wife holds any appeal for you, then ANIMAL HOUSE is the film for you. My brethren, believe me when I say that this movie gives me chills. It is perfect in its perversion.
ANIMAL HOUSE is the story of the wildest fraternity in history. The Delta boys are on double-secret probation and Dean Wormer is trying every trick in the book to revoke their charter. Of course the Deltas prevail in the end, but not before causing sheer pandemonium at the homecoming parade.
If you’ve never seen this movie (and you have a sense of humor) stop whatever it is you are doing. I’m telling you, nothing except your eternal salvation or Catherine Zeta Jones in the nude is more important than seeing this movie as soon as humanly possible.
You know, I once dated a guy who reminded me so much of D-Day that it was creepy, but that’s a story for another day.
Off in search of ten thousand marbles,
M.
Day Thirty-Seven: The Rainmaker
THE RAINMAKER
Starring:
-Matt Damon
-Claire Danes
-Danny DeVito
-Jon Voight
Written & Directed by: Francis Ford Coppola
MPAA Rating: PG-13 – for the crazy intense beating scene
Based on the John Grisham book of the same name, THE RAINMAKER (not to be confused with the 1956 Burt Lancaster, Katharine Hepburn film) is about young goody-two-shoes lawyer Rudy Baylor getting his start in the legal world. He winds up working for a cheap shyster named Bruiser Stone and becomes acquainted with Deck Shifflet, the occasionally unscrupulous, always smarmy paralegal who has failed the bar exam six times (played to perfection by the adorable Danny DeVito).
Stone’s a dirty lawyer and the FBI close him down, so Rudy and Deck go into business for themselves. Rudy passes the bar and stumbles into an insurance lawsuit where he must go up against slimy Leo Drummond (Jon Voight).
Rudy meets a pretty girl whose redneck husband beats her with a baseball bat (Danes) and since they’ve fallen in love, Rudy helps her kill the guy one night. They didn’t plan it, it was total self-defense, but Claire has him run off so she can take all the blame.
Long story made short, Rudy wins the trial, but the insurance company claims bankruptcy. They’re out of business, but they get out of paying the millions of dollars the jury awarded to the plaintiff. Lucky break, insurance creeps. So now Rudy’s this sought after lawyer, but he’s all bummed because he’s afraid he’s never going to be able to work his magic again. He and Claire Danes pretty much elope together, leaving poor Danny DeVito to his own devices, which I think is sad. They could have at least offered to take him along. He would be a hilarious sidekick, and his presence would heighten the likelihood of comedic hi-jinks in future sequels. Oh, well.
I like a good courtroom drama as well as the next girl, but to me, THE RAINMAKER falls flat. The resolution, while not totally unhappy, feels somewhat unsatisfying. I knew it wouldn’t be an Erin Brockovich type story where the multi-million dollar company was forced to shell out big bucks to a legion of those it harmed, but I at least expected the poor woman who lost her son to get something out of the deal. Plus she swore on the stand that any and all money she received as a result of winning the lawsuit would go straight to cancer research. This film is pre-Bourne and post-Good Will Hunting, so Matt Damon is all stick thin and young looking, so it definitely has that going for it. But it was just a little too hokey for me.
If you’re looking for a really spectacular courtroom drama, steer towards something more like Paul Newman’s THE VERDICT. There are more twists and surprises, and less gobbledygook. Once again, another weird word instantly recognized by my computer’s spell check feature. Life is so funny.
FINAL GRADE: C-
Off in search of a baseball bat,
M.
Starring:
-Matt Damon
-Claire Danes
-Danny DeVito
-Jon Voight
Written & Directed by: Francis Ford Coppola
MPAA Rating: PG-13 – for the crazy intense beating scene
Based on the John Grisham book of the same name, THE RAINMAKER (not to be confused with the 1956 Burt Lancaster, Katharine Hepburn film) is about young goody-two-shoes lawyer Rudy Baylor getting his start in the legal world. He winds up working for a cheap shyster named Bruiser Stone and becomes acquainted with Deck Shifflet, the occasionally unscrupulous, always smarmy paralegal who has failed the bar exam six times (played to perfection by the adorable Danny DeVito).
Stone’s a dirty lawyer and the FBI close him down, so Rudy and Deck go into business for themselves. Rudy passes the bar and stumbles into an insurance lawsuit where he must go up against slimy Leo Drummond (Jon Voight).
Rudy meets a pretty girl whose redneck husband beats her with a baseball bat (Danes) and since they’ve fallen in love, Rudy helps her kill the guy one night. They didn’t plan it, it was total self-defense, but Claire has him run off so she can take all the blame.
Long story made short, Rudy wins the trial, but the insurance company claims bankruptcy. They’re out of business, but they get out of paying the millions of dollars the jury awarded to the plaintiff. Lucky break, insurance creeps. So now Rudy’s this sought after lawyer, but he’s all bummed because he’s afraid he’s never going to be able to work his magic again. He and Claire Danes pretty much elope together, leaving poor Danny DeVito to his own devices, which I think is sad. They could have at least offered to take him along. He would be a hilarious sidekick, and his presence would heighten the likelihood of comedic hi-jinks in future sequels. Oh, well.
I like a good courtroom drama as well as the next girl, but to me, THE RAINMAKER falls flat. The resolution, while not totally unhappy, feels somewhat unsatisfying. I knew it wouldn’t be an Erin Brockovich type story where the multi-million dollar company was forced to shell out big bucks to a legion of those it harmed, but I at least expected the poor woman who lost her son to get something out of the deal. Plus she swore on the stand that any and all money she received as a result of winning the lawsuit would go straight to cancer research. This film is pre-Bourne and post-Good Will Hunting, so Matt Damon is all stick thin and young looking, so it definitely has that going for it. But it was just a little too hokey for me.
If you’re looking for a really spectacular courtroom drama, steer towards something more like Paul Newman’s THE VERDICT. There are more twists and surprises, and less gobbledygook. Once again, another weird word instantly recognized by my computer’s spell check feature. Life is so funny.
FINAL GRADE: C-
Off in search of a baseball bat,
M.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Day Thirty-Six: Knocked Up
KNOCKED UP
Starring:
-Seth Rogan
-Katherine Heigel
-Paul Rudd
Written & Directed by: Judd Apatow
MPAA Rating: R
My buddy Kyle got me this movie for Christmas a couple of years ago. Just so he could tell people he got me knocked up. I never see Kyle any more. Wonder why…
According to this movie, we live in a world of shrewish women and bitter men. I guess this is somebody’s reality, but it isn’t mine. Anyway, the premise of this one is that a drunken fling leads to a relationship. Seth Rogan lives with his immature loser friends and Katherine whats-her-face (Allison) lives in her married sister’s guesthouse. Allison’s married sister has two cute kids and is married to Paul Rudd. Lucky.
Allison works for an entertainment television show where she has to sit around and listen to Ryan Seacrest rant all day. But, there is a light at the end of this tunnel because her boss is, drum roll please, ALAN TUDYK! WOO! Alan tells her she’s been promoted to on camera so Allison and her sister go to a skanky bar to celebrate.
Here Allison meets Ben. They flirt before going back to Allison’s little place to mack. Since this movie is called KNOCKED UP, I’m pretty sure you can figure out what happens.
Allison figures out that she’s pregnant and decides to keep it. She breaks the news to Ben, whom she never planned to see again, and they go get an ultrasound.
Ben and Allison break the news to their folks, and Ben’s dad is Harold Ramis, who may be one of the coolest people on the face of the planet.
Allison meets Ben’s loser friends and they start seeing each other. They buy baby books and cute little clothes and things and Ben starts hanging out with Allison’s family. Blah, blah, blah, their relationship grows, Allison gets found out at work, and Ben’s hopes and dreams are crushed by MrSkin.com.
They’re on, they’re off, Paul Rudd is playing fantasy baseball, Debbie yells at a black man, and there’s a hotel room in Vegas that has five different varieties of chairs.
Ben decides to grow up. He moves out of the crack den, gets a job, and stops sucking on his bong all the time. In the end, Ben’s the only one around when Allison has the kid and they get back together.
I get that this movie wanted to get at all the crazy relationship drama but is there something I’m missing? Does getting married turn a woman into a psycho controlling shrew? Similarly, do married men run off the Vegas and do mushrooms at the drop of a hat? I’m just not willing to believe that this movie is a fair representation of either sex.
One thing I hate is a labor scene in movies. I’m telling you ladies, all that screaming and yelling is not helping you. Don’t waste all your energy telling your husband how much you hate him. You’ll have plenty of time for that in the years to come.
By the way, did I mention that Alan Tudyk is in this movie?
FINAL GRADE: B
Off in search of my baby daddy,
M.
Starring:
-Seth Rogan
-Katherine Heigel
-Paul Rudd
Written & Directed by: Judd Apatow
MPAA Rating: R
My buddy Kyle got me this movie for Christmas a couple of years ago. Just so he could tell people he got me knocked up. I never see Kyle any more. Wonder why…
According to this movie, we live in a world of shrewish women and bitter men. I guess this is somebody’s reality, but it isn’t mine. Anyway, the premise of this one is that a drunken fling leads to a relationship. Seth Rogan lives with his immature loser friends and Katherine whats-her-face (Allison) lives in her married sister’s guesthouse. Allison’s married sister has two cute kids and is married to Paul Rudd. Lucky.
Allison works for an entertainment television show where she has to sit around and listen to Ryan Seacrest rant all day. But, there is a light at the end of this tunnel because her boss is, drum roll please, ALAN TUDYK! WOO! Alan tells her she’s been promoted to on camera so Allison and her sister go to a skanky bar to celebrate.
Here Allison meets Ben. They flirt before going back to Allison’s little place to mack. Since this movie is called KNOCKED UP, I’m pretty sure you can figure out what happens.
Allison figures out that she’s pregnant and decides to keep it. She breaks the news to Ben, whom she never planned to see again, and they go get an ultrasound.
Ben and Allison break the news to their folks, and Ben’s dad is Harold Ramis, who may be one of the coolest people on the face of the planet.
Allison meets Ben’s loser friends and they start seeing each other. They buy baby books and cute little clothes and things and Ben starts hanging out with Allison’s family. Blah, blah, blah, their relationship grows, Allison gets found out at work, and Ben’s hopes and dreams are crushed by MrSkin.com.
They’re on, they’re off, Paul Rudd is playing fantasy baseball, Debbie yells at a black man, and there’s a hotel room in Vegas that has five different varieties of chairs.
Ben decides to grow up. He moves out of the crack den, gets a job, and stops sucking on his bong all the time. In the end, Ben’s the only one around when Allison has the kid and they get back together.
I get that this movie wanted to get at all the crazy relationship drama but is there something I’m missing? Does getting married turn a woman into a psycho controlling shrew? Similarly, do married men run off the Vegas and do mushrooms at the drop of a hat? I’m just not willing to believe that this movie is a fair representation of either sex.
One thing I hate is a labor scene in movies. I’m telling you ladies, all that screaming and yelling is not helping you. Don’t waste all your energy telling your husband how much you hate him. You’ll have plenty of time for that in the years to come.
By the way, did I mention that Alan Tudyk is in this movie?
FINAL GRADE: B
Off in search of my baby daddy,
M.
Day Thirty-Five: Blades of Glory
BLADES OF GLORY
Starring:
-Will Ferrell
-Jon Heder
-Craig T. Nelson
Directed by: Josh Gordon & Will Speck
Screenplay Credits: Jeff Cox, Craig Cox, John Altschuler, & Dave Krinsky
MPAA Rating: PG-13 – for crude and sexual humor, language, a comic violent image, and some drug references
Jimmy MacElroy, one of many sexually ambiguous, galloping peacock figure skating champions has it all, a rich adoptive father, a crazy obsessed fan, a supportive coach (Nelson), and a catchy nickname (Skating’s Little Orphan Awesome). Sadly, he’s also tied for the gold medal with obnoxious bad boy skater Chazz Michael Michaels. Chazz has his own nickname (Sex on Ice) and an extraordinary amount of body hair.
We are also introduced to Stranz and Fairchild, (Will Arnett and Amy Poehler) the “brother and sister darlings” of the skating world who dominate the couples division.
Chazz and Jimmy are displeased about having to share the gold and they get into a little scuffle on the ice. This gets both of them banned from men’s figure skating by Mr. Fee-hee-heeny.
Jimmy’s rich dad is no longer interested in his career, so Jimmy finds himself promptly unadopted and on the side of the road.
Three and ½ years later, Chazz is a boozy skater in a children’s ice show. After hitting rock bottom and vomiting in his enormous wizard head, Chazz finds himself out of a job. Jimmy is feeling restless and working in a skate shop when his creepy stalker shows up with the official skating rulebook and informs him that he’s found a glorious little loophole. While Jimmy was banned from his division- men’s singles- he is still eligible to compete in pair skating. Look out, Stranz and Fairchild!
Jimmy asks his old coach to recommend a partner for him, but Coach advises Jimmy to give it up. Jimmy goes searching for a partner and bumps into Chazz. They get into a fight, which is covered by a local news team. Coach catches the fight on TV and sees that Jimmy and Chazz would be the perfect partners. They finally give in and sign up for nationals. This infuriates Stranz and Fairchild, who force their younger sister Katie to spy on Chazz and Jimmy.
Coach tells the guys that they’ll be doing everything together in preparation for the competition. He floods an icy warehouse to use as a practice area and the fellas start training.
At last they’re ready for competition and dressed as fire and ice. They dance to that creepy song by Aerosmith that reminds me of Nicholas Cage and Meg Ryan. It’s not a perfect routine, but they win the crowd over and receive rave reviews.
Chazz and Jimmy are friends now, hooray. But not all is well, because Stranz and Fairchild are out for blood and Coach wants the guys to try a controversial move that has never been successfully executed. Only one couple ever attempted the Iron Lotus and when they did, the woman was accidentally decapitated.
The guys practice, Jimmy and Katie fall in love, and Stranz chases Chazz with a crossbow. At last it’s time for the big competition in Montreal. S & F are JFK and Marilyn Monroe in a tacky number about forbidden love, and Jimmy and Chaz do a weird robot/Queen thing. Fairchild breaks her imitation pearls on the ice and Chazz breaks his ankle. The good news is, they land the Iron Lotus and everybody cheers. The Mounties show up to arrest Stranz and Fairchild, who kiss passionately. Jimmy and Chazz are given gold medals and they fly off into the sky together. It’s creepy.
Maybe I like this movie because I always wanted to be a figure skater when I was a kid. Don’t you judge me. It looks really fun. If you haven’t seen it, you aren’t missing too much. Will Ferrell plays pretty much the same character he plays in almost everything, and mercifully Jon Heder does absolutely nothing to remind me of Napoleon Dynamite.
I do love seeing Arnett and Poehler together. You can tell they have a great time together, and I bet their kid is really cute. I also liked that the filmmakers managed to get so many actual figure skaters to do cameos. And I would be remiss in my duties if I neglected to mention how wonderfully over the top and sparkly the spandex costumes are. That’s one thing that’s fun about watching professional skaters, all the crazy outfits. Some of them are straight up drag queen material (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
Final Grade: B-
Off in search of snow cones,
M.
Starring:
-Will Ferrell
-Jon Heder
-Craig T. Nelson
Directed by: Josh Gordon & Will Speck
Screenplay Credits: Jeff Cox, Craig Cox, John Altschuler, & Dave Krinsky
MPAA Rating: PG-13 – for crude and sexual humor, language, a comic violent image, and some drug references
Jimmy MacElroy, one of many sexually ambiguous, galloping peacock figure skating champions has it all, a rich adoptive father, a crazy obsessed fan, a supportive coach (Nelson), and a catchy nickname (Skating’s Little Orphan Awesome). Sadly, he’s also tied for the gold medal with obnoxious bad boy skater Chazz Michael Michaels. Chazz has his own nickname (Sex on Ice) and an extraordinary amount of body hair.
We are also introduced to Stranz and Fairchild, (Will Arnett and Amy Poehler) the “brother and sister darlings” of the skating world who dominate the couples division.
Chazz and Jimmy are displeased about having to share the gold and they get into a little scuffle on the ice. This gets both of them banned from men’s figure skating by Mr. Fee-hee-heeny.
Jimmy’s rich dad is no longer interested in his career, so Jimmy finds himself promptly unadopted and on the side of the road.
Three and ½ years later, Chazz is a boozy skater in a children’s ice show. After hitting rock bottom and vomiting in his enormous wizard head, Chazz finds himself out of a job. Jimmy is feeling restless and working in a skate shop when his creepy stalker shows up with the official skating rulebook and informs him that he’s found a glorious little loophole. While Jimmy was banned from his division- men’s singles- he is still eligible to compete in pair skating. Look out, Stranz and Fairchild!
Jimmy asks his old coach to recommend a partner for him, but Coach advises Jimmy to give it up. Jimmy goes searching for a partner and bumps into Chazz. They get into a fight, which is covered by a local news team. Coach catches the fight on TV and sees that Jimmy and Chazz would be the perfect partners. They finally give in and sign up for nationals. This infuriates Stranz and Fairchild, who force their younger sister Katie to spy on Chazz and Jimmy.
Coach tells the guys that they’ll be doing everything together in preparation for the competition. He floods an icy warehouse to use as a practice area and the fellas start training.
At last they’re ready for competition and dressed as fire and ice. They dance to that creepy song by Aerosmith that reminds me of Nicholas Cage and Meg Ryan. It’s not a perfect routine, but they win the crowd over and receive rave reviews.
Chazz and Jimmy are friends now, hooray. But not all is well, because Stranz and Fairchild are out for blood and Coach wants the guys to try a controversial move that has never been successfully executed. Only one couple ever attempted the Iron Lotus and when they did, the woman was accidentally decapitated.
The guys practice, Jimmy and Katie fall in love, and Stranz chases Chazz with a crossbow. At last it’s time for the big competition in Montreal. S & F are JFK and Marilyn Monroe in a tacky number about forbidden love, and Jimmy and Chaz do a weird robot/Queen thing. Fairchild breaks her imitation pearls on the ice and Chazz breaks his ankle. The good news is, they land the Iron Lotus and everybody cheers. The Mounties show up to arrest Stranz and Fairchild, who kiss passionately. Jimmy and Chazz are given gold medals and they fly off into the sky together. It’s creepy.
Maybe I like this movie because I always wanted to be a figure skater when I was a kid. Don’t you judge me. It looks really fun. If you haven’t seen it, you aren’t missing too much. Will Ferrell plays pretty much the same character he plays in almost everything, and mercifully Jon Heder does absolutely nothing to remind me of Napoleon Dynamite.
I do love seeing Arnett and Poehler together. You can tell they have a great time together, and I bet their kid is really cute. I also liked that the filmmakers managed to get so many actual figure skaters to do cameos. And I would be remiss in my duties if I neglected to mention how wonderfully over the top and sparkly the spandex costumes are. That’s one thing that’s fun about watching professional skaters, all the crazy outfits. Some of them are straight up drag queen material (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
Final Grade: B-
Off in search of snow cones,
M.
Day Thirty-Four: Anchorman
ANCHORMAN : The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Starring:
-Will Ferrell
-Christina Applegate
-Paul Rudd
-Steve Carell
Directed by: Adam McKay
Screenplay Credits: Will Ferrell & Adam McKay
MPAA Rating: PG-13 – for sexual humor, language, and comic violence
The tone of this movie is set rather nicely by a frame that reads, “The following is based on actual events. Only the names, locations and events have been changed.”
What a beautiful sentiment.
The first time I saw this movie I thought, ‘Eh, what’s the big deal?’ With this viewing I thought, ‘Gosh I love that ‘Afternoon Delight’ part, but other than that, eh, what’s the big deal?’
Yes, there are some very funny lines. And yeah, I do like to throw my head back and exclaim, “Take me to pleasure town!” I also love 70s music and making fun of television personalities. So maybe I haven’t given this film a fair shake.
“Mmm. I look good. I mean really good. Hey, everyone! Come and see how good I look!” – Ron
Ron and his buddies Brick, Brian, and Champ are idiot chauvinists whose world is rocked by an extremely well lit Christina Applegate. Applegate plays Veronica, a serious journalist who dreams of becoming the first anchorwoman. Ron meets Veronica at a party and tries unsuccessfully to seduce her.
“I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of mahogany.” – Ron
Ron returns home to his apartment to cuddle with his precious dog Baxter (they have matching pajamas). The next day, Ron and company run into station KQHS’ rival news team where an all out insult war breaks out.
“I will take your mother out for a nice seafood dinner, and NEVER call her again!” – Champ
Back at the station, Veronica’s pissed because she’s stuck covering all the girly stories and dealing with extremely offensive come-ons from the guys.
“What do you say we go out on a date? Have some chicken…maybe some sex. See what happens.” – Champ
“I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.” - Brick
The rest of the movie is fairly predictable. Ferrell plays the jazz flute and takes Applegate to Pleasure Town (well done, sir). He hurls a burrito at Jack Black’s head and Baxter gets dropkicked off a bridge. Brick loves carpet, desk, and lamp, everybody harmonizes to Afternoon Delight, and Ron saves Veronica from a bear.
This is like my one night stand movie. I only fool with it when my standards are low and I need a few cheap laughs. But still, ANCHORMAN boasts some funny performances and outstanding dialogue.
And I’ve never seen anybody more comfortable in his underpants than Will Ferrell.
FINAL GRADE: C+
Off in search of a light blue leisure suit,
M.
Starring:
-Will Ferrell
-Christina Applegate
-Paul Rudd
-Steve Carell
Directed by: Adam McKay
Screenplay Credits: Will Ferrell & Adam McKay
MPAA Rating: PG-13 – for sexual humor, language, and comic violence
The tone of this movie is set rather nicely by a frame that reads, “The following is based on actual events. Only the names, locations and events have been changed.”
What a beautiful sentiment.
The first time I saw this movie I thought, ‘Eh, what’s the big deal?’ With this viewing I thought, ‘Gosh I love that ‘Afternoon Delight’ part, but other than that, eh, what’s the big deal?’
Yes, there are some very funny lines. And yeah, I do like to throw my head back and exclaim, “Take me to pleasure town!” I also love 70s music and making fun of television personalities. So maybe I haven’t given this film a fair shake.
“Mmm. I look good. I mean really good. Hey, everyone! Come and see how good I look!” – Ron
Ron and his buddies Brick, Brian, and Champ are idiot chauvinists whose world is rocked by an extremely well lit Christina Applegate. Applegate plays Veronica, a serious journalist who dreams of becoming the first anchorwoman. Ron meets Veronica at a party and tries unsuccessfully to seduce her.
“I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of mahogany.” – Ron
Ron returns home to his apartment to cuddle with his precious dog Baxter (they have matching pajamas). The next day, Ron and company run into station KQHS’ rival news team where an all out insult war breaks out.
“I will take your mother out for a nice seafood dinner, and NEVER call her again!” – Champ
Back at the station, Veronica’s pissed because she’s stuck covering all the girly stories and dealing with extremely offensive come-ons from the guys.
“What do you say we go out on a date? Have some chicken…maybe some sex. See what happens.” – Champ
“I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.” - Brick
The rest of the movie is fairly predictable. Ferrell plays the jazz flute and takes Applegate to Pleasure Town (well done, sir). He hurls a burrito at Jack Black’s head and Baxter gets dropkicked off a bridge. Brick loves carpet, desk, and lamp, everybody harmonizes to Afternoon Delight, and Ron saves Veronica from a bear.
This is like my one night stand movie. I only fool with it when my standards are low and I need a few cheap laughs. But still, ANCHORMAN boasts some funny performances and outstanding dialogue.
And I’ve never seen anybody more comfortable in his underpants than Will Ferrell.
FINAL GRADE: C+
Off in search of a light blue leisure suit,
M.
Day Thirty-Three: Serenity
SERENITY
Starring:
-Nathan Fillion
-Alan Tudyk
-Adam Baldwin
-Summer Glau
-Gina Torres
Written & Directed by: Joss Whedon
MPAA Rating: PG-13 – sequences of violence and action, some sexual reference
Everyone in the ‘verse knows that Joss Whedon’s space cowboy cult hit is the little show that could. After its cancellation, fury exploded like hell hath no and mercifully, this movie was made. Without further ado...
That black guy from LOVE ACTUALLY rolls in and kills three or four people. He’s on the trail of Simon and River Tam, the brother/sister team who found a home on Captain Mal Reynold’s adorable little spaceship Serenity (classification: Firefly). Also on board you’ll find Jane, the tanned, sweaty muscle man with a penchant for weapons and beating the crap out of people, Kaylee the mechanic, Inara the hooker, Wash the pilot, and Wash’s butt-kicking Amazonian wife Zooey.
Mal and his comrades stop off at a little planet to rob a bank when UH OH! Suddenly there’s a Reaver attack! For all you losers out there who don’t like campy science fiction movies, Reavers are bad news. They’re cannibals and stuff. They’ll eat you and make suits of your skin and for some reason it’s rumored they’ll rape you for hours, which seems to contradict the age old admonition not to play with your food.
“You shoot me if they take me! Well, don’t shoot me first!” – Jane
The gang makes it back safely to the ship and Simon’s pretty pissed that Mal put his little sister in danger, so he informs everyone that he and River are leaving at the next port. The crew docks and heads to a bar to reap payment for their bank raid, but River gets some subliminal messaging from a commercial, says “Miranda” and goes nuts and starts beating up on everybody. And so begins the Joss Whedon commentary on life. Anyway, River’s kicking everybody’s butt and finally Simon shows up, says a few cryptic safe words, and River drops like a leaf.
Bad Black Guy from the Alliance watches all of this unwind via security feed on his ship. He seems pleased.
Back on Serenity, Mal has handcuffed River and is confronting Simon about her crazy behavior. Sweet darling Alan Tudyk suggests they contact Mr. Universe, who is the equivalent of a teenage hacker who just happens to know everything that ever happens online. Mr. Universe confirms that River received a subliminal message from high military Alliance.
“I don’t know what I’m saying. I never know what I’m saying.” – River
Yeah, join the club, River. I do love some of Summer Glau’s facial expressions. When Simon asks her if she’s Miranda, she gives him the world’s most perfect “No, you idiot” look.
I forgot to mention, Mr. Universe also has a “lovebot” which is creepy and intriguing all at the same time.
Anyway, the crew travels to the planet of poor, dirty orphans, where Shepherd Book has been hiding out. Book used to cruise around with them, but that was back in the days when he had an Afro. These day’s he’s got a goatee and a mean set of cornrows.
Anyway, Inara sends Mal an uncomfortable wave message, which the rest of the crew secretly watches. Mal and Zooey think it’s obvious the message was a trap, but romantic Kaylee would rather believe that Inara just wants to see Mal.
Mal: Ya’ll were watching I take it?
Zooey: Yes
Mal: Did you see us fight?
Kaylee: No.
Mal: Trap.
Mal goes to rescue Inara (assuming she needs it) and she warns him that he cannot handle Big Black Alliance Man from LOVE ACTUALLY. Bad Guy tells Mal he’ll let him go as long as he turns over River. They fight. Inara is a hardcore chick, and she placed a bomb on the altar instead of incense, so when it explodes she and Mal escape to her ship and make it back to Serenity.
Summer breaks free in order to show them the location and information on the planet Miranda. The crew ponders this new development as they land on the Shepherd’s planet. Everything has been blown up. Stuff is smoking and there are dead kids lying all over. Mal runs up on Shepherd, who is dying. Boo hoo. I mean, I guess I’m a little sad. I liked him okay. Anyway, he’s got some cool dying words.
“I don’t care what you believe. Just believe in it.” - Book
The crew learns that the Black Alliance dude has murdered all of their former allies, and those who once sheltered them. Bad Guy promises more of the same until Mal turns over River. Mal hangs up on him, then has the crew help him disguise Serenity as a Reaver ship so they can pass through the dangerous territory and reach Miranda unharmed. Mal’s plan works and they sail through an entire fleet of Reaver ships unscathed.
Up to this point, the theory has been that Miranda failed the terraforming process, rendering the planet unlivable and all the settlers died. But now that they’ve arrived, Mal and the gang see that everything is totally normal here…except for all the decomposing bodies lying around everywhere. This is quite literally a city of the dead. Corpses in office buildings lie sprawled across their computer keyboards and desks. We get it, Joss, we get it. Sheesh.
The power has no planet, but they do manage to locate a tiny beacon. They find its source, and a hologram appears. A tearful woman shows them some images of Miranda’s dead and explains that G23 was added to the air to clam the population and weed out aggression. The people stopping fighting, then they stopped everything else, like going to work, breeding, talking, and eating. They just sat and let themselves die. According to the hologram, 10% of the population had a different reaction to the G23 and became violent to the point of madness. This helpfully explains where the Reavers came from and why the Alliance seems so adamant about insisting they don’t exist.
At last the crew realizes that this is why the Alliance is so crazy to kill River. She knows the secret of Miranda. So Mal’s plan is to get the hologram to Mr. Universe so that he can broadcast it all around. Sadly, the Bad Guy had this thought, too, so Alliance swoops in and Bad Guy kills poor geeky Universe man while his lovebot looks on, unaffected.
With both Reaver ships and the Alliance on their tails, Wash deftly navigates through all of it because he is awesome like that.
“I’m a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar.” – Wash
Sadly, they’ve been forced to overdo things and their engine is totally fried. They do an emergency crash landing and everything seems fine until a Reaver harpoon comes busting into the cockpit and kills WASH!
I HATE YOU, JOSS WHEDON!
The crew rolls in to find Mr. Universe dead, sprawled across his lovebot’s lap. Lucky for him, Mr. U used the bot to record his last words to Mal, instructions on how to find his backup equipment and broadcast the message about Miranda. The Reavers are all around trying to get in and eat everybody, and Bad Guy shows up for an epic fight.
Most everybody has gotten hurt at this point, and if you’re like me you’re thinking “Wow, Whedon is going to kill every single person I have ever loved or cared about.” And you are right. He’s probably hunting down your mom right now.
River now has the chance to prove her usefulness and save the day, so she staves off the Reavers and grabs her big bro’s medical bag to patch everybody up. Mal defeats the bad guy but doesn’t kill him. Instead he straps him to a railing and forces him to watch the broadcast of the Miranda beacon over and over again. Mal hobbles back to his badly bruised crew and finds that River is a total badass. Seriously. It’s great. Of course the Alliance takes the opportunity to burst in and aim their weapons at everybody, but Bad Guy tells them to stand down because they’re finished.
Cut to a dramatic valley shot where we review our dead and Zooey finally looks sad about her dead husband.
Everybody patches up the ship and gives it a shiny new paint job, Simon and Kaylee finally get nasty, and the Bad Guy shows up again to tell Mal that they aren’t out of danger, but he won’t be on their tail anymore. Inara decides to stay and River signs on to copilot the ship with Mal.
All in all, this film does what it was intended to do: provide diehard fans and viewers with some much-needed closure. That isn’t to say that I’m not furious to see Joss The Bastard Whedon kill the love of my Firefly life, Hoban Washburne. So while this is an exciting and well-written science fiction adventure flick, I am so sticking with my worn out Firefly DVDs.
Know why? Three words.
Alan Tudyk, baby.
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of my toy collection,
M.
Starring:
-Nathan Fillion
-Alan Tudyk
-Adam Baldwin
-Summer Glau
-Gina Torres
Written & Directed by: Joss Whedon
MPAA Rating: PG-13 – sequences of violence and action, some sexual reference
Everyone in the ‘verse knows that Joss Whedon’s space cowboy cult hit is the little show that could. After its cancellation, fury exploded like hell hath no and mercifully, this movie was made. Without further ado...
That black guy from LOVE ACTUALLY rolls in and kills three or four people. He’s on the trail of Simon and River Tam, the brother/sister team who found a home on Captain Mal Reynold’s adorable little spaceship Serenity (classification: Firefly). Also on board you’ll find Jane, the tanned, sweaty muscle man with a penchant for weapons and beating the crap out of people, Kaylee the mechanic, Inara the hooker, Wash the pilot, and Wash’s butt-kicking Amazonian wife Zooey.
Mal and his comrades stop off at a little planet to rob a bank when UH OH! Suddenly there’s a Reaver attack! For all you losers out there who don’t like campy science fiction movies, Reavers are bad news. They’re cannibals and stuff. They’ll eat you and make suits of your skin and for some reason it’s rumored they’ll rape you for hours, which seems to contradict the age old admonition not to play with your food.
“You shoot me if they take me! Well, don’t shoot me first!” – Jane
The gang makes it back safely to the ship and Simon’s pretty pissed that Mal put his little sister in danger, so he informs everyone that he and River are leaving at the next port. The crew docks and heads to a bar to reap payment for their bank raid, but River gets some subliminal messaging from a commercial, says “Miranda” and goes nuts and starts beating up on everybody. And so begins the Joss Whedon commentary on life. Anyway, River’s kicking everybody’s butt and finally Simon shows up, says a few cryptic safe words, and River drops like a leaf.
Bad Black Guy from the Alliance watches all of this unwind via security feed on his ship. He seems pleased.
Back on Serenity, Mal has handcuffed River and is confronting Simon about her crazy behavior. Sweet darling Alan Tudyk suggests they contact Mr. Universe, who is the equivalent of a teenage hacker who just happens to know everything that ever happens online. Mr. Universe confirms that River received a subliminal message from high military Alliance.
“I don’t know what I’m saying. I never know what I’m saying.” – River
Yeah, join the club, River. I do love some of Summer Glau’s facial expressions. When Simon asks her if she’s Miranda, she gives him the world’s most perfect “No, you idiot” look.
I forgot to mention, Mr. Universe also has a “lovebot” which is creepy and intriguing all at the same time.
Anyway, the crew travels to the planet of poor, dirty orphans, where Shepherd Book has been hiding out. Book used to cruise around with them, but that was back in the days when he had an Afro. These day’s he’s got a goatee and a mean set of cornrows.
Anyway, Inara sends Mal an uncomfortable wave message, which the rest of the crew secretly watches. Mal and Zooey think it’s obvious the message was a trap, but romantic Kaylee would rather believe that Inara just wants to see Mal.
Mal: Ya’ll were watching I take it?
Zooey: Yes
Mal: Did you see us fight?
Kaylee: No.
Mal: Trap.
Mal goes to rescue Inara (assuming she needs it) and she warns him that he cannot handle Big Black Alliance Man from LOVE ACTUALLY. Bad Guy tells Mal he’ll let him go as long as he turns over River. They fight. Inara is a hardcore chick, and she placed a bomb on the altar instead of incense, so when it explodes she and Mal escape to her ship and make it back to Serenity.
Summer breaks free in order to show them the location and information on the planet Miranda. The crew ponders this new development as they land on the Shepherd’s planet. Everything has been blown up. Stuff is smoking and there are dead kids lying all over. Mal runs up on Shepherd, who is dying. Boo hoo. I mean, I guess I’m a little sad. I liked him okay. Anyway, he’s got some cool dying words.
“I don’t care what you believe. Just believe in it.” - Book
The crew learns that the Black Alliance dude has murdered all of their former allies, and those who once sheltered them. Bad Guy promises more of the same until Mal turns over River. Mal hangs up on him, then has the crew help him disguise Serenity as a Reaver ship so they can pass through the dangerous territory and reach Miranda unharmed. Mal’s plan works and they sail through an entire fleet of Reaver ships unscathed.
Up to this point, the theory has been that Miranda failed the terraforming process, rendering the planet unlivable and all the settlers died. But now that they’ve arrived, Mal and the gang see that everything is totally normal here…except for all the decomposing bodies lying around everywhere. This is quite literally a city of the dead. Corpses in office buildings lie sprawled across their computer keyboards and desks. We get it, Joss, we get it. Sheesh.
The power has no planet, but they do manage to locate a tiny beacon. They find its source, and a hologram appears. A tearful woman shows them some images of Miranda’s dead and explains that G23 was added to the air to clam the population and weed out aggression. The people stopping fighting, then they stopped everything else, like going to work, breeding, talking, and eating. They just sat and let themselves die. According to the hologram, 10% of the population had a different reaction to the G23 and became violent to the point of madness. This helpfully explains where the Reavers came from and why the Alliance seems so adamant about insisting they don’t exist.
At last the crew realizes that this is why the Alliance is so crazy to kill River. She knows the secret of Miranda. So Mal’s plan is to get the hologram to Mr. Universe so that he can broadcast it all around. Sadly, the Bad Guy had this thought, too, so Alliance swoops in and Bad Guy kills poor geeky Universe man while his lovebot looks on, unaffected.
With both Reaver ships and the Alliance on their tails, Wash deftly navigates through all of it because he is awesome like that.
“I’m a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar.” – Wash
Sadly, they’ve been forced to overdo things and their engine is totally fried. They do an emergency crash landing and everything seems fine until a Reaver harpoon comes busting into the cockpit and kills WASH!
I HATE YOU, JOSS WHEDON!
The crew rolls in to find Mr. Universe dead, sprawled across his lovebot’s lap. Lucky for him, Mr. U used the bot to record his last words to Mal, instructions on how to find his backup equipment and broadcast the message about Miranda. The Reavers are all around trying to get in and eat everybody, and Bad Guy shows up for an epic fight.
Most everybody has gotten hurt at this point, and if you’re like me you’re thinking “Wow, Whedon is going to kill every single person I have ever loved or cared about.” And you are right. He’s probably hunting down your mom right now.
River now has the chance to prove her usefulness and save the day, so she staves off the Reavers and grabs her big bro’s medical bag to patch everybody up. Mal defeats the bad guy but doesn’t kill him. Instead he straps him to a railing and forces him to watch the broadcast of the Miranda beacon over and over again. Mal hobbles back to his badly bruised crew and finds that River is a total badass. Seriously. It’s great. Of course the Alliance takes the opportunity to burst in and aim their weapons at everybody, but Bad Guy tells them to stand down because they’re finished.
Cut to a dramatic valley shot where we review our dead and Zooey finally looks sad about her dead husband.
Everybody patches up the ship and gives it a shiny new paint job, Simon and Kaylee finally get nasty, and the Bad Guy shows up again to tell Mal that they aren’t out of danger, but he won’t be on their tail anymore. Inara decides to stay and River signs on to copilot the ship with Mal.
All in all, this film does what it was intended to do: provide diehard fans and viewers with some much-needed closure. That isn’t to say that I’m not furious to see Joss The Bastard Whedon kill the love of my Firefly life, Hoban Washburne. So while this is an exciting and well-written science fiction adventure flick, I am so sticking with my worn out Firefly DVDs.
Know why? Three words.
Alan Tudyk, baby.
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of my toy collection,
M.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Day Thirty-Two: Creature Comforts: America
CREATURE COMFORTS: AMERICA
Ask a horse at a stud farm how he feels about his job. Or consult some New York City cockroaches about phobias and fears. Talk to a raccoon about his toes, or ask a pair of lovebirds about their marriage. There’s a rooster who has been fired for tardiness, a bird watching club made up of cats, and a reindeer that hates working on Christmas.
Americans all across the country were interviewed on a variety of subjects. Those tapes were given to animators, who then assigned the voices to various animals. I don’t know why, but I’m a sucker for nearly anything that gives human emotions to animals. Maybe it’s because I love my pets so dearly, or maybe I just get a kick out of it because it’s something unusual. At any rate, I’ve always liked that. This show was based on the British version, which was based on a short film by Nick Park. The animation is awesome, but think Wallace & Gromit, not Tim Burton.
The thing is, when you watch this you really want to know who these people are. You want to know what they look like, where they live, and why they’re such funny freaks. The animators are absolutely brilliant here, because they’ve taken these voices and created entirely new characters around them. The voice of the classroom gerbil is perfect, as are the ghetto sharks who hang around the shipwreck.
If I had to pick favorites, I would pick the married couple housecats, the horse couple from Maryland, and the mother and daughter pigs from Mississippi.
This is seriously funny stuff.
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of reindeer,
M
Ask a horse at a stud farm how he feels about his job. Or consult some New York City cockroaches about phobias and fears. Talk to a raccoon about his toes, or ask a pair of lovebirds about their marriage. There’s a rooster who has been fired for tardiness, a bird watching club made up of cats, and a reindeer that hates working on Christmas.
Americans all across the country were interviewed on a variety of subjects. Those tapes were given to animators, who then assigned the voices to various animals. I don’t know why, but I’m a sucker for nearly anything that gives human emotions to animals. Maybe it’s because I love my pets so dearly, or maybe I just get a kick out of it because it’s something unusual. At any rate, I’ve always liked that. This show was based on the British version, which was based on a short film by Nick Park. The animation is awesome, but think Wallace & Gromit, not Tim Burton.
The thing is, when you watch this you really want to know who these people are. You want to know what they look like, where they live, and why they’re such funny freaks. The animators are absolutely brilliant here, because they’ve taken these voices and created entirely new characters around them. The voice of the classroom gerbil is perfect, as are the ghetto sharks who hang around the shipwreck.
If I had to pick favorites, I would pick the married couple housecats, the horse couple from Maryland, and the mother and daughter pigs from Mississippi.
This is seriously funny stuff.
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of reindeer,
M
Day Thirty-One: True Blood
TRUE BLOOD
Starring:
-Anna Paquin
-Stephen Moyer
I saw the Twilight movie. I was unimpressed. But if anything can win me over to Team Vampire, it’s True Blood. True Blood is the new(ish) HBO series about vampires coming out of the coffin all across America, including tiny Louisiana hick town Bon Temps (warning: you will get sick of hearing everybody say the words ‘Bon Temps.’ That’s a guarantee).
Sookie Stackhouse (Paquin) is a telepathic barmaid with a redneck brother, a self-righteous best friend, a vampire boyfriend (Moyer), a shape shifter boss who’s in love with her, and a gap-toothed grin. You might think this girl has all she needs to live creepily ever after, but you would be wrong. Instead, she’s forced to deal with the issues of all her annoying friends and relatives. Eventually, those issues manifest themselves into a cold-blooded serial killer who’s after every single mortal who has any connections with those lusty bloodsuckers. Sookie handles this well, although she does lose both her cat and her grandmother to the cause. I mean they don’t become vampires or anything. They just die gruesome deaths.
Yes, Sookie gets tired of all the drama, but thankfully she has Vampire Bill to see her through and keep her safe… as long as the sun isn’t up. You see, unlike those wimpy Twilight vampires who can stroll around all they want with their sparkly diamond skin, the True Blood vampires are hardcore. They will eat you, but only as long as the sun is down.
I don’t understand why they have to hole up underground all day, though. Most of these vampires are pretty rich, so seems to me they could afford to have like an underground bunker home built. With a swimming pool and Internet access and everything. Why is it they have to lie in their coffins all day when they could be playing Wii?
Coincidentally, while my spell check system will automatically recognize the words “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” and “Wiki”, it isn’t quite hip to the term “Wii.” But I know it’s only a matter of time.
Back to the vampires. I read the first book (written by that Harris woman whose first name I can never remember. Charlaine, maybe?) and couldn’t believe how this woman just threw everything but the kitchen sink into the book. I don’t necessarily mean that in a good way, either. There were so many subplots and so much drama that it pulled me out of the story a little bit. I just had to stop occasionally and think “Seriously? All this has happened to Sookie in her short life? And Elvis lives?” I don’t think so.
Since this is an HBO baby, I’m sure you’ve already guessed that there is a lot of sex involved here. We’re talking tons. If I remember correctly, there is at least one romantic encounter (one night stands included) per episode, which tends to make me bitter that these fictional characters are getting more play in an hour long episode than I have in the last six months. Such is the nature of escapist television.
Mixed in with all of this is the underlying message: gay people are awesome and deserve the right to get married. That may not be the main message of the Harris woman’s books, but that is certainly the direction the show is taking things in. So if you’re staunchly conservative (and easily riled up) about the whole gay marriage thing, you’ll probably be annoyed by all the thinly veiled gay rights messages.
I like gay people. I also like married people. And if gay people want to be married people, it’s no skin off my nose. The important thing to remember here is that I hate being lectured about the topic… from either side. I don’t want to hear a sermon about the horrors of gay marriage from the pulpit, and I certainly don’t want a sermon from the True Blood writers about the horrors of those who oppose their platform.
Can’t we all just get along? Think about this…gay marriage means gay weddings. Lots of them. Lots of weddings involve lots of cake. Where, exactly, is the down side?
Off in search of cake from either orientation,
M.
Starring:
-Anna Paquin
-Stephen Moyer
I saw the Twilight movie. I was unimpressed. But if anything can win me over to Team Vampire, it’s True Blood. True Blood is the new(ish) HBO series about vampires coming out of the coffin all across America, including tiny Louisiana hick town Bon Temps (warning: you will get sick of hearing everybody say the words ‘Bon Temps.’ That’s a guarantee).
Sookie Stackhouse (Paquin) is a telepathic barmaid with a redneck brother, a self-righteous best friend, a vampire boyfriend (Moyer), a shape shifter boss who’s in love with her, and a gap-toothed grin. You might think this girl has all she needs to live creepily ever after, but you would be wrong. Instead, she’s forced to deal with the issues of all her annoying friends and relatives. Eventually, those issues manifest themselves into a cold-blooded serial killer who’s after every single mortal who has any connections with those lusty bloodsuckers. Sookie handles this well, although she does lose both her cat and her grandmother to the cause. I mean they don’t become vampires or anything. They just die gruesome deaths.
Yes, Sookie gets tired of all the drama, but thankfully she has Vampire Bill to see her through and keep her safe… as long as the sun isn’t up. You see, unlike those wimpy Twilight vampires who can stroll around all they want with their sparkly diamond skin, the True Blood vampires are hardcore. They will eat you, but only as long as the sun is down.
I don’t understand why they have to hole up underground all day, though. Most of these vampires are pretty rich, so seems to me they could afford to have like an underground bunker home built. With a swimming pool and Internet access and everything. Why is it they have to lie in their coffins all day when they could be playing Wii?
Coincidentally, while my spell check system will automatically recognize the words “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” and “Wiki”, it isn’t quite hip to the term “Wii.” But I know it’s only a matter of time.
Back to the vampires. I read the first book (written by that Harris woman whose first name I can never remember. Charlaine, maybe?) and couldn’t believe how this woman just threw everything but the kitchen sink into the book. I don’t necessarily mean that in a good way, either. There were so many subplots and so much drama that it pulled me out of the story a little bit. I just had to stop occasionally and think “Seriously? All this has happened to Sookie in her short life? And Elvis lives?” I don’t think so.
Since this is an HBO baby, I’m sure you’ve already guessed that there is a lot of sex involved here. We’re talking tons. If I remember correctly, there is at least one romantic encounter (one night stands included) per episode, which tends to make me bitter that these fictional characters are getting more play in an hour long episode than I have in the last six months. Such is the nature of escapist television.
Mixed in with all of this is the underlying message: gay people are awesome and deserve the right to get married. That may not be the main message of the Harris woman’s books, but that is certainly the direction the show is taking things in. So if you’re staunchly conservative (and easily riled up) about the whole gay marriage thing, you’ll probably be annoyed by all the thinly veiled gay rights messages.
I like gay people. I also like married people. And if gay people want to be married people, it’s no skin off my nose. The important thing to remember here is that I hate being lectured about the topic… from either side. I don’t want to hear a sermon about the horrors of gay marriage from the pulpit, and I certainly don’t want a sermon from the True Blood writers about the horrors of those who oppose their platform.
Can’t we all just get along? Think about this…gay marriage means gay weddings. Lots of them. Lots of weddings involve lots of cake. Where, exactly, is the down side?
Off in search of cake from either orientation,
M.
Day Thirty: Monty Python's Flying Circus
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS
-John Cleese
-Michael Palin
-Terry Gilliam
-Eric Idle
-Graham Chapman
-Terry Jones
-featuring Neil Innes & Carol Cleveland
I love funny men. Correction: I love these funny men.
Whether you're watching the Ministry of Silly Walks, the Fish Slapping Dance, or visiting shops for pets and cheese with Dead Polly Parrot, you are going to be laughing. Monty Python humor is timeless, unlike Saturday Night Live or MADTV, where the writers and performers constantly draw material from present day life and pop culture.
For example, I was watching an episode of Laugh In once (a 1960s variety-type show featuring a very young Goldie Hawn) and there were four jokes I didn't understand, right in a row. This wasn't because I was an idiot, rather I just don't know what was happening in politics one random week in the 60s.
Now think about the Pythons' irreverent wit. Will there ever be a time when a sketch entitled "Judges Recess" that features four solemn British barristers exiting the courthouse to run frolic in a playground isn't funny? Nope. Never.
It took me about three years, but I finally managed to collect just about everything MP ever did, and many of the spin-off projects they were involved with. Expect reviews on them later, of course. But for now, just pop in a MPFC DVD and make merry.
It's good stuff.
Off in search of Polly,
M.
P.S. British humor is not for everyone. This was a hard lesson for me to learn.
-John Cleese
-Michael Palin
-Terry Gilliam
-Eric Idle
-Graham Chapman
-Terry Jones
-featuring Neil Innes & Carol Cleveland
I love funny men. Correction: I love these funny men.
Whether you're watching the Ministry of Silly Walks, the Fish Slapping Dance, or visiting shops for pets and cheese with Dead Polly Parrot, you are going to be laughing. Monty Python humor is timeless, unlike Saturday Night Live or MADTV, where the writers and performers constantly draw material from present day life and pop culture.
For example, I was watching an episode of Laugh In once (a 1960s variety-type show featuring a very young Goldie Hawn) and there were four jokes I didn't understand, right in a row. This wasn't because I was an idiot, rather I just don't know what was happening in politics one random week in the 60s.
Now think about the Pythons' irreverent wit. Will there ever be a time when a sketch entitled "Judges Recess" that features four solemn British barristers exiting the courthouse to run frolic in a playground isn't funny? Nope. Never.
It took me about three years, but I finally managed to collect just about everything MP ever did, and many of the spin-off projects they were involved with. Expect reviews on them later, of course. But for now, just pop in a MPFC DVD and make merry.
It's good stuff.
Off in search of Polly,
M.
P.S. British humor is not for everyone. This was a hard lesson for me to learn.
Day Twenty-Nine: Sex & the City
SEX & THE CITY
-Sarah Jessica Parker
-Kim Cattrall
-Cynthia Nixon
-Kristin Davis
There are two things I don’t understand about this series: why SJP wears a tutu in the opening sequence, and why she’s constantly pestering Mr. Big. Those of you familiar with the series know that Big (Chris Noth) is the nameless man of Carrie Bradshaw’s dreams. One episode they’re on, two episodes later Carrie becomes convinced he doesn’t love her enough, has a meltdown, and they’re off. Of course, Big can be a dog, but one can hardly blame him for eyeballing other women when Carrie’s always giving him her neurotic female psycho babble.
I suppose the series has to have a Carrie, because it has all other varieties of men and women very well represented. The four main characters are nothing but stereotypes, there’s no denying it. Charlotte York is constantly obsessed with finding the perfect husband, the perfect china pattern, and the perfect home in Connecticut before having perfect babies. You might think “obsessed” is too strong a word but trust me, it’s not. Homegirl is straight up crazy.
Then there’s Miranda Hobbes (Cynthia Nixon), high-powered New York attorney with flaming red hair to match her spicy, “men suck” attitude. She has a lot of “Oh crap, I’m single, I guess I need to scream about how much I hate men” moments. Naturally, she’s the career woman of the group who winds up pregnant, much to Charlotte’s frustration.
Samantha Jones is the whore of the group, plain and simple. She might sleep with three or four men per episode. I’m serious, it’s like she’s trying to start a collection.
And then there’s Carrie, who constantly pumps people for information about their most personal desires and opinions to base her newspaper articles on, all the while wearing the most absurd and repulsive looking outfits you can possibly imagine.
I think this show probably addresses every thing women have ever thought, wondered, freaked, cried, yelled, laughed, and gossiped about. Have you recently met a grieving widower in a cemetery? There’s an episode for that. Is your boyfriend obsessed with models? There’s an episode for that, too. Worried that you’re pregnant? Are you falling for your handyman? Do you hate pretending to be happy for people at weddings and baby showers? Then boy, are you in luck.
In many ways, S&TC is like a how-to (or how not to) manual for women. In closing, I can’t imagine any straight man voluntarily watching this show. And if they’re out there, I hope they keep all the valuable secrets they’ve learned from the S&TC crew to themselves. Once the mystery is gone, what else is there? Nothing but mascara and hairspray, my friend.
And now you know our secrets.
Final Grade: B
Off in search of my catty friends,
M.
-Sarah Jessica Parker
-Kim Cattrall
-Cynthia Nixon
-Kristin Davis
There are two things I don’t understand about this series: why SJP wears a tutu in the opening sequence, and why she’s constantly pestering Mr. Big. Those of you familiar with the series know that Big (Chris Noth) is the nameless man of Carrie Bradshaw’s dreams. One episode they’re on, two episodes later Carrie becomes convinced he doesn’t love her enough, has a meltdown, and they’re off. Of course, Big can be a dog, but one can hardly blame him for eyeballing other women when Carrie’s always giving him her neurotic female psycho babble.
I suppose the series has to have a Carrie, because it has all other varieties of men and women very well represented. The four main characters are nothing but stereotypes, there’s no denying it. Charlotte York is constantly obsessed with finding the perfect husband, the perfect china pattern, and the perfect home in Connecticut before having perfect babies. You might think “obsessed” is too strong a word but trust me, it’s not. Homegirl is straight up crazy.
Then there’s Miranda Hobbes (Cynthia Nixon), high-powered New York attorney with flaming red hair to match her spicy, “men suck” attitude. She has a lot of “Oh crap, I’m single, I guess I need to scream about how much I hate men” moments. Naturally, she’s the career woman of the group who winds up pregnant, much to Charlotte’s frustration.
Samantha Jones is the whore of the group, plain and simple. She might sleep with three or four men per episode. I’m serious, it’s like she’s trying to start a collection.
And then there’s Carrie, who constantly pumps people for information about their most personal desires and opinions to base her newspaper articles on, all the while wearing the most absurd and repulsive looking outfits you can possibly imagine.
I think this show probably addresses every thing women have ever thought, wondered, freaked, cried, yelled, laughed, and gossiped about. Have you recently met a grieving widower in a cemetery? There’s an episode for that. Is your boyfriend obsessed with models? There’s an episode for that, too. Worried that you’re pregnant? Are you falling for your handyman? Do you hate pretending to be happy for people at weddings and baby showers? Then boy, are you in luck.
In many ways, S&TC is like a how-to (or how not to) manual for women. In closing, I can’t imagine any straight man voluntarily watching this show. And if they’re out there, I hope they keep all the valuable secrets they’ve learned from the S&TC crew to themselves. Once the mystery is gone, what else is there? Nothing but mascara and hairspray, my friend.
And now you know our secrets.
Final Grade: B
Off in search of my catty friends,
M.
Day Twenty-Eight: Last Tango in Paris
LAST TANGO IN PARIS
Starring:
-Marlon Brando
-Maria Schneider
Directed by: Bernardo Bertolucci
Screenplay Credits: Bernardo Bertolucci & Franco Arcalli
MPAA Rating: Two versions: R & NC-17
Let me say this right up front. If anyone ever comes up to you and says, “Get me the butter,” DO NOT DO IT. Run screaming in another direction. Marlon Brando makes this poor girl do things no one should have to do. Not even hookers do some of this stuff, I’m telling you.
I do have to admit, I’m still not completely clear on what this movie is really about (besides two creepy people hooking up for sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight). Now the question you’re probably asking yourself at this point is, “M, why on earth do you even own this creepy movie?”
Well discerning blog reader, let me tell you. A friend found it in a five-dollar movie bin somewhere and, remembering how much I love movies, bought it for me. I didn’t have the heart to tell her how creepy it is.
Here’s what I was able to figure out before my eyes started bleeding: Marlon Brando is this 45-year-old American dude with terrible hair who is interested in renting an apartment. The Maria chick is a 20-year-old French woman who is also considering said apartment. They run into each other in the flat, briefly discuss who is going to get it, then they start going at it. Just out of nowhere. It’s very weird. So anyway, they put on their coats and leave. The girl runs to the train station to pick up her fiancé…what a skank.
Anyway, we learn that Brando’s wife has just committed suicide (she was probably upset that her husband was such a creepy freak) and that he now wants to have an abusive affair with this 20-year-old Parisian to get out some of his crazy.
Let me tell you, he puts this girl through the ringer, but not in happy fun ways. This is more like weird torture.
My favorite part of this movie is when the two of them sit in bed and make silly noises. That probably says something really strange about me, but I don’t care. Another cool part is when Brando demonstrates his acrobatics (fully clothed, mind you). If you’ve seen this bizarre movie you probably know what I’m talking about. It’s after the sodomy and before the record playing. He’s lying on his back on the floor; he reaches his arms above his head, pushes off the floor and is suddenly standing upright. For whatever reason, this trick fascinated me, and I rewound the DVD to watch it maybe four or five times.
Brando torments her with a dead rat and forces her to take a bath.
At last Brando tells the girl he loves her and he doesn’t care where they live or what people think, he just wants to be with her, which is nice but seems like a major case of “too little too late.” For a minute there you think it might actually end well for the two of them, but they get kicked out of a dance contest and she tells him it’s over. He chases her to the apartment, tells her he loves her again, she shoots him in the stomach, and he goes out on the balcony to die. I normally like sort of quirky movies, but this just wasn’t my kind of quirky.
Final Grade: C-
Off in search of something to make me feel clean again,
M.
Starring:
-Marlon Brando
-Maria Schneider
Directed by: Bernardo Bertolucci
Screenplay Credits: Bernardo Bertolucci & Franco Arcalli
MPAA Rating: Two versions: R & NC-17
Let me say this right up front. If anyone ever comes up to you and says, “Get me the butter,” DO NOT DO IT. Run screaming in another direction. Marlon Brando makes this poor girl do things no one should have to do. Not even hookers do some of this stuff, I’m telling you.
I do have to admit, I’m still not completely clear on what this movie is really about (besides two creepy people hooking up for sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight). Now the question you’re probably asking yourself at this point is, “M, why on earth do you even own this creepy movie?”
Well discerning blog reader, let me tell you. A friend found it in a five-dollar movie bin somewhere and, remembering how much I love movies, bought it for me. I didn’t have the heart to tell her how creepy it is.
Here’s what I was able to figure out before my eyes started bleeding: Marlon Brando is this 45-year-old American dude with terrible hair who is interested in renting an apartment. The Maria chick is a 20-year-old French woman who is also considering said apartment. They run into each other in the flat, briefly discuss who is going to get it, then they start going at it. Just out of nowhere. It’s very weird. So anyway, they put on their coats and leave. The girl runs to the train station to pick up her fiancé…what a skank.
Anyway, we learn that Brando’s wife has just committed suicide (she was probably upset that her husband was such a creepy freak) and that he now wants to have an abusive affair with this 20-year-old Parisian to get out some of his crazy.
Let me tell you, he puts this girl through the ringer, but not in happy fun ways. This is more like weird torture.
My favorite part of this movie is when the two of them sit in bed and make silly noises. That probably says something really strange about me, but I don’t care. Another cool part is when Brando demonstrates his acrobatics (fully clothed, mind you). If you’ve seen this bizarre movie you probably know what I’m talking about. It’s after the sodomy and before the record playing. He’s lying on his back on the floor; he reaches his arms above his head, pushes off the floor and is suddenly standing upright. For whatever reason, this trick fascinated me, and I rewound the DVD to watch it maybe four or five times.
Brando torments her with a dead rat and forces her to take a bath.
At last Brando tells the girl he loves her and he doesn’t care where they live or what people think, he just wants to be with her, which is nice but seems like a major case of “too little too late.” For a minute there you think it might actually end well for the two of them, but they get kicked out of a dance contest and she tells him it’s over. He chases her to the apartment, tells her he loves her again, she shoots him in the stomach, and he goes out on the balcony to die. I normally like sort of quirky movies, but this just wasn’t my kind of quirky.
Final Grade: C-
Off in search of something to make me feel clean again,
M.
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