Day Fifty-Eight: Superman- The Movie

SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE

Starring:
-Marlon Brando
-Gene Hackman
-Christopher Reeve
-Margot Kidder

Directed by: Richard Donner

Screenplay Credits: Mario Puzo, David Newman, Leslie Newman, & Robert Benton

MPAA Rating: PG-13 – for peril, some mild sensuality, and language (trust me, your kids can watch it)


Marlon Brando is one of Planet Krypton’s leading scientists. He also wears far too much eye makeup and is convinced that everyone needs to evacuate the planet. The Council thinks this is hogwash and warns Marlon that they’re gonna shoot him into the phantom zone and he’s all, “I don’t care what you do, just let me and my dog-faced wife and my little pudgy baby leave the planet.”

And the Council’s all like, “No.”

Jerks.

Anyway, Marlon explains to the audience that they’re shipping the kid to Earth so he won’t die when the planet is destroyed. He also clues us in that “because of his dense molecular structure, he will defy their gravity,” and he learn that he’ll be super freaky strong, but he’ll look just like those moron earthlings. All of this is good information.

I forgot to mention that Marlon and all the other Krypton people wear fancy white jumpsuits. They must go through Clorox like nobody’s business.

Back to the story. Baby Brando gets shipped away to Earth in his little pod just as the planet starts falling apart. How’s that for good timing? I don’t know why they didn’t just go with him. That seems like one of those questions that the screenwriters didn’t want us to ask.

So here goes the baby, falling to Earth in his little sky pod. It takes him a couple of years to get here, though, because he’s pretty much a toddler when he lands. A couple of simple country folk are happening by and they spot the little naked fellow. The woman decides that this is God finally givin’ them a little ‘un. We determine that the man has a heart condition, and that the toddler can lift the tail end of the car off the ground all by himself.

The Kents adopt the squirt and he grows up to be a strapping young yuppie that gets picked on by the jocks. He’ll show you, jocks! You just wait till you see his tights!

Clark kicks a football out of the atmosphere and runs faster than a speeding train. The effect here is so bad you might actually groan, so you should probably just close your eyes and imagine young Clark outrunning the train.

Boy that red shirt sure looks good with his jet-black hair and sexy skin tone. What can I say? Doesn’t hurt to look.

Anyway, Clark goes home and his dad shares some meaningful words of wisdom. Then Clark utters those fateful words, “Race ya!”

Needless to say, Clark’s pop keels over dead. Remember that heart device they so subtly told you about in the character introduction? That’s called, foreshadowing.

After the funeral, Clark gets out of bed in the wee hours to look at the green crystal thing his dad sent with him. Then he runs off across the amber waves of grain to stare pensively at the horizon and contemplate things of importance. His mom treks out to talk to him – seriously, it’s like five miles. And he tells her he’s headed north, which would piss me off if I were his mama. I mean here she took him naked off the side of the road and fed him and raised him all these years and the SECOND, I mean the VERY SECOND her husband kicks, ole Clark decides he’s heading out, too.

Now, when Clark said north I was thinking New York. Chicago maybe. But no, he goes to the frozen tundra. He’s hopping around on floating icebergs and stuff and he’s really underdressed for the climate. No mittens or anything.

Anyhow, somehow he knows that he must hurl this green glowing crystal stick thing out into the snow. Maybe there were instructions written on the side in tiny print, I don’t know. At any rate, he pitches it out and all this stuff starts coming up out of the water to make a fancy winter wonderland-ish crystal land. A ball of light appears and we see Marlon Brando again. Well, his head.

We figure out that this is like a time warp voicemail message. Sort of like afterlife skype-ing. Marlon gives Clark “the talk.” They probably talk about the birds and the bees, but the screenwriters didn’t feel it was important to add that scene. This scene is basically a chance for Marlon Brando to get in one last monologue and earn his millions.

All of a sudden, Clark becomes Christopher Reeve, which makes me think of horses, which makes sad for him.

Clark is a nerd who has started work at the Daily Planet. The chief asks terrible speller Lois Lane to show Clark the ropes.

“How do you spell massacre?” – Lois Lane

It’s hard for me to look at Lois, because I find Margot Kidder so dreadful. Why did they have to pick her? I mean, were there no other brunette actresses in Hollywood? Christopher Reeve was attractive enough that they could have gotten a Lois. I mean, if Seth Rogen were playing Superman, you’d want to make Lois a real dog so he would look better by comparison. I digress.

There are a couple of undercover cops sneaking around following a suspicious looking character. This is when we start hearing the name “Lex Luthor” getting bandied around.

Luthor (Hackman) is the “fiendishly gifted” criminal mastermind who’s got a swank underground lair that’s chock full of technology and books. We learn that Lex is preparing to pull off the crime of the century in mere days.

“Why is the most brilliantly diabolical leader of our time surrounding himself with total nincompoops?” Lex

Next we learn that Lois is one of these needy chicks who needs to have her life saved all the time. Lucky for her, Superman has been crushing on her pretty hard.

Watching Superman fly reminds me of how badly I wanted to ride the Superman ride in whatever theme park we were at. But I was too chicken to go by myself. Maybe one day I will get over my fear off falling out of a roller coaster and feel the breeze on my belly Clark Kent style.

Oh, right. The movie. I almost forgot. The following scenes are of Superman thwarting evildoers and saving kitties from tall trees.

Clark chats with his real dad some more. Marlon Brando Head has more advice for the young whippersnapper before fading out. He really needs a snappy fade out catchphrase if he’s gonna keep doing that. You know, like Ryan Seacrest does.

Jor-El, out!

I’m not crazy about Hackman as Luthor. He just isn’t dangerous. He’s too much of a buffoon. Interestingly, he does have most of the good lines.

“Next time, put my robe on after I’m out of the pool.” – Lex

Superman meets Lois on the roof. She’s all slutted up to see him, but he really is the all-American superstud. No drinking, no smoking, etc. Also, he never lies. The playful interview scene between Superman and Lois is really cute and adorably tense. This is probably my favorite scene so far.

As always, I need to take a minute to discuss the overall attractiveness of the male lead. Christopher Reeve is one of those good-looking people who seem to have been carved out of stone. And yet he has a boyish charm that’s almost catches you off guard.

If I were Lois, I would have to suggest that we join the Mile High Club. We wouldn’t need the airplane.

I’m sure it won’t surprise you to know that Lex is planning Superman’s demise with his moronic henchmen.

There’s a car wreck, and Larry Hagman gets to give a buxom beauty a “chest massage” followed by a little “mouth to mouth.”

Larry, you dog.

The is all part of Lex’s plan to contact Superman via dog frequency and get him into a trap. Superman walks right into Lex’s lair. Lex fills him in on the plan to destroy California.

“Otisburg? OTISBURG?!?!?!” – Lex

Lew whoops out the Kryptonite and Superman goes all diabetic coma. The buxom henchwoman decides to release Superman so that he can go save California and Lois Lane. He takes care of California but WHOOPS, Lois dies.

Sorry.

Unfortunately for all the innocent movie-watchers at home, Superman is grief-stricken that his unattractive, terrible actress girlfriend has been crushed in a rockslide, so he screams in fury before zooming backwards around the planet. Obviously, this turns back time and Superman manages to save her.

I always thought that was a kind of stupid device, but what can you do?


Superman is totally charming. He’s the perfect man, but he lets all those mere mortals off the hook since he’s from another planet. Lex Luthor has all of the fun lines in this film, and the opening sequences with Brando and the Council could have been greatly improved, but overall this is the granddaddy of superhero movies. John Williams’ Superman theme sounds just as thrilling today as it did all those years ago. Superman mania has been successful in every conceivable media: comic books, radio, stage, and both big and little screens.

Fun fact that most people my age don’t know, the black and white TV show THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN starred another superhunk, George Reeves. No relation to the Greek God featured in SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE. I just always thought it was neat their names were so similar. Plus he’s on an episode of I LOVE LUCY that is really, really funny.


FINAL GRADE: A-


Off in search of Truth, Justice, and the American Way,

M.