THE BEST OF WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY? UNCENSORED
Starring:
-Drew Carey
-Ryan Stiles
-Colin Mochrie
-Wayne Brady
If you aren’t familiar with this, or other improv shows, then where the heck do you live? Under a rock? This one just happens to be the cream of the crop, the absolute best of the best. Drew sits safely behind his neon-trimmed desk and calls out suggestions to the three regular performers and one random guest performer. There are occasionally special guest stars (Florence Henderson, Richard Simmons, Jerry Springer, David Hasselhoff, and Jane Tricker, female bodybuilder), but these are few and far between. However, the special guest star episodes have a definite theme relating to the person running through the skits.
They rotate the games constantly, so they won’t necessarily play your favorite one every night, but you’re guaranteed to never get bored.
This cast works so well together it’s positively magical. There’s a lot of trust there, combined with quick wit, comedic flexibility, and just a little bit of insanity.
Until the entire series is made available to own (*fingers crossed* please include awesome bonus features, please include awesome bonus features!) this 2-disc collection will have to do.
But, if you have to settle for something, this set ain’t bad. In fact, every episode will make you laugh until you hurt. I actually had to pause several times because I either couldn’t take it any more, or I needed a chance to calm down again because I was missing more of the skit.
I pity people who can’t enjoy ‘Whose Line,’ I really do.
So don’t be pitied. And for goodness sakes, fluff your Garfield.
…if you know what I mean.
FINAL GRADE: A+
Off in search of things you’ll never hear people say at a funeral,
M.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Day 102- Alice Cooper Live at Montreux 2005
ALICE COOPER LIVE AT MONTREUX
Although it is a bit strange to see sixty-something year old Alice singing “Department of Youth”, I can forgive him cause he’s so freaking cool.
It’s also strange to see him strutting around stage in his black leather with his flowing locks and think, “Okay, this is my brother in Christ.” But not strange bad, strange AWESOME.
Sadly, some of the songs are almost too hard to watch, because whatever idiot cut all the camera angles together thought we needed to be seeing twelve different shots per second. And with the lights going and the audio blaring, this is a bit much, even for the most experienced head-banger. It just makes it too hard to concentrate on Alice and quite frankly, that’s who I’m here to see. I care nothing about the twenty-three year old doofus who somehow managed to score this sweet gig. If he was Jimi Hendrix I’d be all, “Hey, let me watch him play!” But he’s just a punk kid taking valuable screen time away from my main man Alice.
Brothers and sisters, I submit to you that this is unforgiveable.
In short, this is quite a concert. It has a lot of my favorites, but not quite all of them. Still, I wouldn’t have been disappointed had I been in the audience that night. All the flashy theatrical stuff is there in heaping helpings, and Alice is just as bizarre as ever.
Random thought: I wish I had an Alice Cooper action figure. How cool would that be? I’d put him in my dollhouse with all my old Fisher Price families. Gah, wouldn’t that just freak them right out? Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down and Alice will rock your face off.
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of a girl with a job and a car and a house and cable,
M.
Although it is a bit strange to see sixty-something year old Alice singing “Department of Youth”, I can forgive him cause he’s so freaking cool.
It’s also strange to see him strutting around stage in his black leather with his flowing locks and think, “Okay, this is my brother in Christ.” But not strange bad, strange AWESOME.
Sadly, some of the songs are almost too hard to watch, because whatever idiot cut all the camera angles together thought we needed to be seeing twelve different shots per second. And with the lights going and the audio blaring, this is a bit much, even for the most experienced head-banger. It just makes it too hard to concentrate on Alice and quite frankly, that’s who I’m here to see. I care nothing about the twenty-three year old doofus who somehow managed to score this sweet gig. If he was Jimi Hendrix I’d be all, “Hey, let me watch him play!” But he’s just a punk kid taking valuable screen time away from my main man Alice.
Brothers and sisters, I submit to you that this is unforgiveable.
In short, this is quite a concert. It has a lot of my favorites, but not quite all of them. Still, I wouldn’t have been disappointed had I been in the audience that night. All the flashy theatrical stuff is there in heaping helpings, and Alice is just as bizarre as ever.
Random thought: I wish I had an Alice Cooper action figure. How cool would that be? I’d put him in my dollhouse with all my old Fisher Price families. Gah, wouldn’t that just freak them right out? Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down and Alice will rock your face off.
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of a girl with a job and a car and a house and cable,
M.
Day 101 - 101 Dalmatians
Here's the story of a lovely lady, who was bringing up a very lovely dog. They were two bitches (tee hee) living all together, but they were all alone.
Till the one day when the lady met this fellow, and he also had a big black spotted pup....
Okay, I don't know how to end it. Painted myself into a corner with that one, didn't I?
Anyway, this is the story of Pongo and Perdita and their fifteen puppies, all of whom are abducted by the villainous Cruella de Vil. Cruella plans on using their hides for the world's most diabolical fashion statement.
Her minions kidnap the wee pups and take them to a big, drafty, mansion in the middle of nowhere.
Pong and Perdy ask for help from their other animal friends, who travel pass the word along that the puppies are missing.
But there a lot more than 15 puppies who need saving. Still, you know the old adage, a puppy's a puppy, no matter how small. So Pongo and Perdy have all of them follow them home and away from Cruella's evil, bony clutches.
Here's where the story gets a little out of town. Rodger's all, "Let's keep them all!" And Anita's all, "Oh, RODG-ah!" and they keep all 101 Dalmatians.
This is one of those Classic Disney movies that you need to be able to watch for days on end should you ever decide to procreate. I remember my biggest 101 Dalmatians phase lasted about seven months, at which time I referred to my mother only as "Cruella" and became obsessed with collecting and naming stuffed dogs. I wasn't racist about it, though; I took more than dalmatians.
Till the one day when the lady met this fellow, and he also had a big black spotted pup....
Okay, I don't know how to end it. Painted myself into a corner with that one, didn't I?
Anyway, this is the story of Pongo and Perdita and their fifteen puppies, all of whom are abducted by the villainous Cruella de Vil. Cruella plans on using their hides for the world's most diabolical fashion statement.
Her minions kidnap the wee pups and take them to a big, drafty, mansion in the middle of nowhere.
Pong and Perdy ask for help from their other animal friends, who travel pass the word along that the puppies are missing.
But there a lot more than 15 puppies who need saving. Still, you know the old adage, a puppy's a puppy, no matter how small. So Pongo and Perdy have all of them follow them home and away from Cruella's evil, bony clutches.
Here's where the story gets a little out of town. Rodger's all, "Let's keep them all!" And Anita's all, "Oh, RODG-ah!" and they keep all 101 Dalmatians.
This is one of those Classic Disney movies that you need to be able to watch for days on end should you ever decide to procreate. I remember my biggest 101 Dalmatians phase lasted about seven months, at which time I referred to my mother only as "Cruella" and became obsessed with collecting and naming stuffed dogs. I wasn't racist about it, though; I took more than dalmatians.
Day 100 - Muppet Treasure Island
MUPPET TREASURE ISLAND
Starring:
-Tim Curry
-The Muppets
-Billy Connolly
Directed by: Brian Henson
Screenplay Credits: Jerry Juhl, Kirk R. Thatcher & James V. Hart
MPAA Rating: G
I love this movie. I love it so much that I decided to review it for the fantastically wonderful DAY 100 of the 2010 Movie Project. High voiced little pipsqueak Kevin Bishop stars as Jim, the youngster who inherits an old treasure map. Along with the map, Jim receives a warning: beware the one legged man.
Cue the girly, almost entirely annoying expositional song where Jim dreams of “something better.”
After the inn where he lives is raided by pirates, Jim and his friends Rizzo the Rat and Gonzo the Whatever decide to hire a crew and go after the treasure and a life of adventure on the high seas. They meet the dimwit son of a prominent shipbuilder (Fozzie Bear), who agrees to finance the voyage and leaves the hiring of the crew up to the Man Who Lives in His Finger, Mr. Bimble.
Mr. Bimble the Finger Dweller hires a pretty ragged looking bunch of “cutthroats and scallywags” but he does get it right by hiring Captain James Smollett (aka Kermit the Frog) to lead the voyage. Since Jim is a foolish, trusting child, he doesn’t realize that amiable galley cook Long John Silver (who just happens to have only one leg thanks to movie magic) is actually a bloodthirsty pirate who’s hell-bent on getting his greedy paws on that thar’ treasure map, me hardy! Yar!
Yes, I said ‘yar.’ Get over it.
Throw in a handful of catchy songs and some positively inspired dialogue and you have yourself one of the finest Muppet movies ever made. EVER. So if you’re ever in the mood to go sailing for adventure on the big, blue, wet thing, be sure to take the Muppets along. I guarantee they’ll make your voyage much more interesting, and who knows… they might just rescue you from a one-legged sweet transvestite.
FINAL GRADE: A++++
Off in search of Jimmy Jim, Jimmy Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim,
M.
P.S. I’M not Jimmy Jim, Jimmy Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim! HE’S Jimmy Jim, Jimmy Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.
Starring:
-Tim Curry
-The Muppets
-Billy Connolly
Directed by: Brian Henson
Screenplay Credits: Jerry Juhl, Kirk R. Thatcher & James V. Hart
MPAA Rating: G
I love this movie. I love it so much that I decided to review it for the fantastically wonderful DAY 100 of the 2010 Movie Project. High voiced little pipsqueak Kevin Bishop stars as Jim, the youngster who inherits an old treasure map. Along with the map, Jim receives a warning: beware the one legged man.
Cue the girly, almost entirely annoying expositional song where Jim dreams of “something better.”
After the inn where he lives is raided by pirates, Jim and his friends Rizzo the Rat and Gonzo the Whatever decide to hire a crew and go after the treasure and a life of adventure on the high seas. They meet the dimwit son of a prominent shipbuilder (Fozzie Bear), who agrees to finance the voyage and leaves the hiring of the crew up to the Man Who Lives in His Finger, Mr. Bimble.
Mr. Bimble the Finger Dweller hires a pretty ragged looking bunch of “cutthroats and scallywags” but he does get it right by hiring Captain James Smollett (aka Kermit the Frog) to lead the voyage. Since Jim is a foolish, trusting child, he doesn’t realize that amiable galley cook Long John Silver (who just happens to have only one leg thanks to movie magic) is actually a bloodthirsty pirate who’s hell-bent on getting his greedy paws on that thar’ treasure map, me hardy! Yar!
Yes, I said ‘yar.’ Get over it.
Throw in a handful of catchy songs and some positively inspired dialogue and you have yourself one of the finest Muppet movies ever made. EVER. So if you’re ever in the mood to go sailing for adventure on the big, blue, wet thing, be sure to take the Muppets along. I guarantee they’ll make your voyage much more interesting, and who knows… they might just rescue you from a one-legged sweet transvestite.
FINAL GRADE: A++++
Off in search of Jimmy Jim, Jimmy Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim,
M.
P.S. I’M not Jimmy Jim, Jimmy Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim! HE’S Jimmy Jim, Jimmy Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.
Day Ninety-Nine: Survivor - The Australian Outback
THE AUSTRALIAN OUTBACK
Hosted by: Jeff Probst
Yes, I’m one of the losers who likes SURVIVOR so much they occasionally need to O.D. on it. And what better season to get all hopped up on than the infamous season 2? It is in the Australian outback that we first become acquainted with Colby, the handsome young cowboy with the Texas drawl; Jerri Manthey, the bitch queen from hell; Maralyn “Mad Dog” Hershey, the retired cop who does her own sound FX; Kel, the U.S. Army Captain made famous by a piece of imaginary beef jerky; Elisabeth Filarski, the cutie patootie with the stupid name who cried every day, became BFFS with Kentucky Joe, and landed herself a sweet gig as a talk show host; not to mention Keith, the gourmet chef who “can’t cook rice”, Kimmi, the obnoxious wannabe vegetarian, Nick, the lazy grad student, and Michael “pig killer” Skupin.
This extraordinary cast of characters (there were random others like Jeff Varner and Deb Eaton, but you can’t possibly expect me to drone on about all 16 of them, geez) is the major reason why this season was so great. They played off one another like actors in a sitcom, making one memorable episode after another. The other element that makes this season a particularly memorable one is the outback itself. We’re talking crazy lightening, flash floods sweeping the camp (and food) away, horrible beasties, and withering heat. Australia’s no wuss, people.
The game was still relatively young back in 2000, and either there wasn’t much scheming going on back then or the editors just chose not to show it. As I recall, you don’t see all the scrambling before each tribal council that you see now. People here just seem to go quietly into that dark night, whereas in more current Survivor seasons they fight to the death (unless they’re being royally screwed by a big blindside) to keep their torch lit.
There also seems to be a lot more interaction going on between cute little Jeff Probst and the castaways. He comes down to their beach sometimes, heck, he even shares in their rewards occasionally. If he still does that in season 20 or whatever we’re in, they sure don’t show it much.
And another thing… Ole Jeff’s got a pretty sweet gig. He gets to fly all over the world, visiting beautiful and exotic locales, sampling local cuisine, probably staying in fancy hotels, enjoying the finest hookers that money can buy, and every couple of days he pops out to the wilderness to make snarky remarks and boss around a bunch of dirty, hungry people.
Who among us wouldn’t want that job?
Knoxville mom of two and personal nurse Tina Wesson for the win (and in my book, she deserves it! She was the nicest person there and she single-handedly saved their replacement rice from the dangerous rapids. She is woman, hear her roar).
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of a nifty bandana of my own,
M.
Hosted by: Jeff Probst
Yes, I’m one of the losers who likes SURVIVOR so much they occasionally need to O.D. on it. And what better season to get all hopped up on than the infamous season 2? It is in the Australian outback that we first become acquainted with Colby, the handsome young cowboy with the Texas drawl; Jerri Manthey, the bitch queen from hell; Maralyn “Mad Dog” Hershey, the retired cop who does her own sound FX; Kel, the U.S. Army Captain made famous by a piece of imaginary beef jerky; Elisabeth Filarski, the cutie patootie with the stupid name who cried every day, became BFFS with Kentucky Joe, and landed herself a sweet gig as a talk show host; not to mention Keith, the gourmet chef who “can’t cook rice”, Kimmi, the obnoxious wannabe vegetarian, Nick, the lazy grad student, and Michael “pig killer” Skupin.
This extraordinary cast of characters (there were random others like Jeff Varner and Deb Eaton, but you can’t possibly expect me to drone on about all 16 of them, geez) is the major reason why this season was so great. They played off one another like actors in a sitcom, making one memorable episode after another. The other element that makes this season a particularly memorable one is the outback itself. We’re talking crazy lightening, flash floods sweeping the camp (and food) away, horrible beasties, and withering heat. Australia’s no wuss, people.
The game was still relatively young back in 2000, and either there wasn’t much scheming going on back then or the editors just chose not to show it. As I recall, you don’t see all the scrambling before each tribal council that you see now. People here just seem to go quietly into that dark night, whereas in more current Survivor seasons they fight to the death (unless they’re being royally screwed by a big blindside) to keep their torch lit.
There also seems to be a lot more interaction going on between cute little Jeff Probst and the castaways. He comes down to their beach sometimes, heck, he even shares in their rewards occasionally. If he still does that in season 20 or whatever we’re in, they sure don’t show it much.
And another thing… Ole Jeff’s got a pretty sweet gig. He gets to fly all over the world, visiting beautiful and exotic locales, sampling local cuisine, probably staying in fancy hotels, enjoying the finest hookers that money can buy, and every couple of days he pops out to the wilderness to make snarky remarks and boss around a bunch of dirty, hungry people.
Who among us wouldn’t want that job?
Knoxville mom of two and personal nurse Tina Wesson for the win (and in my book, she deserves it! She was the nicest person there and she single-handedly saved their replacement rice from the dangerous rapids. She is woman, hear her roar).
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of a nifty bandana of my own,
M.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Day Ninety-Eight: Cactus Flower
CACTUS FLOWER
Starring:
-Walter Matthau
-Ingrid Bergman
-Goldie Hawn
Directed by: Gene Saks
Screenplay Credits: I. A. L. Diamond
MPAA Rating: PG (of course, at its release in 1969, it was rated M for mature audiences only- how times have changed!)
Walter Matthau stars as Julian Winston, a dentist who’s found a pretty sweet set up. He’s convinced his girlfriend Toni (Hawn) that he’s a married man with three children (a blatant lie) so he can avoid her nagging him about furthering the relationship. Toni is desperately in love with him, and is troubled by the idea that he spends so much time with his “wife” (other women). When he cancels one of their dates, Toni writes him a letter telling him she’s going to kill herself, goes home, turns on the gas, and lies on the sofa with her arms folded, ready for death.
Lucky for Toni, her neighbor Igor Sullivan (burgeoning playwright) smells the gas, breaks into her apartment and rescues her. Toni decides not to commit suicide after all and asks Igor to phone Julian’s office in the morning and tell him she’s not dead.
He does, but it’s too late. Julian has already discovered Toni’s letter and his on her way to his apartment. Julian’s secretary, Miss Stephanie Dickinson (Ingrid Bergman) receives the call seconds after he leaves.
Toni’s willingness to kill herself over him tells Julian that this is the woman he wants to marry. There’s just one problem: he’s convinced her he’s already married, and she is absolutely phobic about men who lie. Julian has no choice but to tell her that he’s leaving his wife.
He expects this news to put Toni over the moon, but instead she worries about being a “housebreaker.” She insists that she will not marry Julian unless she can meet his wife and see for herself that the woman does indeed want to divorce her husband.
With no other options, Julian turns to the only woman who’ll do anything for him, his longsuffering secretary of ten years who (as is evident to the audience) is madly and secretly in love with him. Stephanie agrees to play the part of “Mrs. Winston” for the man that she loves, which of course gets all of them into a whole heap of trouble as they struggle to keep the wool pulled over Goldie Hawn’s enormous eyes.
This was my first viewing and I really enjoyed it. You can certainly tell that it was originally a play, but to me that is part of the piece’s charm. Bergman was a delight from the first scene to the last, but interestingly it was Hawn who won the Best Supporting Actress Academy Award for her performance.
Matthau is simply precious as grumbly, rumpled, square Dr. Winston, and it’s especially fun to watch him come to the realization that he’s tired of dealing with Toni and wants to “go home to his wife” (meaning Stephanie). I also loved the conversation in which Stephanie and Julian argue about wanting a divorce of their own, meaning a dissolution to their partnership.
In the end of course, things work out just as predictably as you think they will, but it’s still enjoyable watching the actors cross the finish line. However, one of the most interesting things for me was watching all the scenes set in the discotheque (which is a totally awesome word). It’s fascinating to me what passed as dancing in the 1969. To me it just looks like people throwing their bodies around in weird contortions. But the best of the bunch at the spacey dancing is Hawn, without question. She has this dopey little look on her face, not unlike a stoned pixie trying to imitate Ray Charles.
Check it out if you don’t believe me.
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of a(nother) wife,
M.
Starring:
-Walter Matthau
-Ingrid Bergman
-Goldie Hawn
Directed by: Gene Saks
Screenplay Credits: I. A. L. Diamond
MPAA Rating: PG (of course, at its release in 1969, it was rated M for mature audiences only- how times have changed!)
Walter Matthau stars as Julian Winston, a dentist who’s found a pretty sweet set up. He’s convinced his girlfriend Toni (Hawn) that he’s a married man with three children (a blatant lie) so he can avoid her nagging him about furthering the relationship. Toni is desperately in love with him, and is troubled by the idea that he spends so much time with his “wife” (other women). When he cancels one of their dates, Toni writes him a letter telling him she’s going to kill herself, goes home, turns on the gas, and lies on the sofa with her arms folded, ready for death.
Lucky for Toni, her neighbor Igor Sullivan (burgeoning playwright) smells the gas, breaks into her apartment and rescues her. Toni decides not to commit suicide after all and asks Igor to phone Julian’s office in the morning and tell him she’s not dead.
He does, but it’s too late. Julian has already discovered Toni’s letter and his on her way to his apartment. Julian’s secretary, Miss Stephanie Dickinson (Ingrid Bergman) receives the call seconds after he leaves.
Toni’s willingness to kill herself over him tells Julian that this is the woman he wants to marry. There’s just one problem: he’s convinced her he’s already married, and she is absolutely phobic about men who lie. Julian has no choice but to tell her that he’s leaving his wife.
He expects this news to put Toni over the moon, but instead she worries about being a “housebreaker.” She insists that she will not marry Julian unless she can meet his wife and see for herself that the woman does indeed want to divorce her husband.
With no other options, Julian turns to the only woman who’ll do anything for him, his longsuffering secretary of ten years who (as is evident to the audience) is madly and secretly in love with him. Stephanie agrees to play the part of “Mrs. Winston” for the man that she loves, which of course gets all of them into a whole heap of trouble as they struggle to keep the wool pulled over Goldie Hawn’s enormous eyes.
This was my first viewing and I really enjoyed it. You can certainly tell that it was originally a play, but to me that is part of the piece’s charm. Bergman was a delight from the first scene to the last, but interestingly it was Hawn who won the Best Supporting Actress Academy Award for her performance.
Matthau is simply precious as grumbly, rumpled, square Dr. Winston, and it’s especially fun to watch him come to the realization that he’s tired of dealing with Toni and wants to “go home to his wife” (meaning Stephanie). I also loved the conversation in which Stephanie and Julian argue about wanting a divorce of their own, meaning a dissolution to their partnership.
In the end of course, things work out just as predictably as you think they will, but it’s still enjoyable watching the actors cross the finish line. However, one of the most interesting things for me was watching all the scenes set in the discotheque (which is a totally awesome word). It’s fascinating to me what passed as dancing in the 1969. To me it just looks like people throwing their bodies around in weird contortions. But the best of the bunch at the spacey dancing is Hawn, without question. She has this dopey little look on her face, not unlike a stoned pixie trying to imitate Ray Charles.
Check it out if you don’t believe me.
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of a(nother) wife,
M.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Day Ninety-Seven: Frost Nixon
FROST NIXON
Starring:
-Frank Langella
-Michael Sheen
-Oliver Platt
-Sam Rockwell
-Kevin Bacon
-Matthew MacFayden
Directed by: Ron Howard
Screenplay Credits: Peter Morgan
MPAA Rating: R - for some language
Originally a play, FROST NIXON is based on a series of interviews conducted by British comedian David Frost shortly after President Richard M. "Tricky Dick" Nixon resigned the presidency. Before signing on for this project, Opie Taylor compared the play script with the actual interviews and was impressed with what he found.
Frank Langella was extraordinary as Nixon. I've always found him a very find actor, and this performance certainly meets his standard of excellence. Michael Sheen, however, failed to impress. I thought he was quite good in the film's climax (when Frost finally works his way to the hard questions and elicits a very emotional response form the former president), but for the rest of the film he seemed smarmy, disingenuous, and most of all twitchy.
Really twitchy.
Like a little rat.
Sheen also portrayed Sir David in the stage play, and one can only hope he delivered a better performance in that medium. At any rate, I would have greatly preferred seeing someone else in the role. His surrounding team, however (including Sam Rockwell and Oliver Platt) were spot on.
The film handles the issue of "sympathy" for Nixon extremely well. There isn't sympathy in the sense that he is absolved from his wrongdoings, but rather a gritty, close-up look at the anger, sadness, and disappointment he felt in himself. When one truly fails himself, it is often rather easy to look on him with pity.
Of course, Ron Howard wanted obvious allusions made to the Bush administration, but with the passing of the recent healthcare bill, I thought only of President Obama during the film. It seems very clear to me that he's taking a few pages from Tricky Dick's book, what with the abuses of power and all. If fact, I would be surprised to find a placard with the following inscribed somewhere in his office: "If the president does it, then it is not illegal."
Keep telling yourself that, Obama. It caught up with Nixon, it will catch up with you.
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of people who aren't full of B.S.,
M.
Starring:
-Frank Langella
-Michael Sheen
-Oliver Platt
-Sam Rockwell
-Kevin Bacon
-Matthew MacFayden
Directed by: Ron Howard
Screenplay Credits: Peter Morgan
MPAA Rating: R - for some language
Originally a play, FROST NIXON is based on a series of interviews conducted by British comedian David Frost shortly after President Richard M. "Tricky Dick" Nixon resigned the presidency. Before signing on for this project, Opie Taylor compared the play script with the actual interviews and was impressed with what he found.
Frank Langella was extraordinary as Nixon. I've always found him a very find actor, and this performance certainly meets his standard of excellence. Michael Sheen, however, failed to impress. I thought he was quite good in the film's climax (when Frost finally works his way to the hard questions and elicits a very emotional response form the former president), but for the rest of the film he seemed smarmy, disingenuous, and most of all twitchy.
Really twitchy.
Like a little rat.
Sheen also portrayed Sir David in the stage play, and one can only hope he delivered a better performance in that medium. At any rate, I would have greatly preferred seeing someone else in the role. His surrounding team, however (including Sam Rockwell and Oliver Platt) were spot on.
The film handles the issue of "sympathy" for Nixon extremely well. There isn't sympathy in the sense that he is absolved from his wrongdoings, but rather a gritty, close-up look at the anger, sadness, and disappointment he felt in himself. When one truly fails himself, it is often rather easy to look on him with pity.
Of course, Ron Howard wanted obvious allusions made to the Bush administration, but with the passing of the recent healthcare bill, I thought only of President Obama during the film. It seems very clear to me that he's taking a few pages from Tricky Dick's book, what with the abuses of power and all. If fact, I would be surprised to find a placard with the following inscribed somewhere in his office: "If the president does it, then it is not illegal."
Keep telling yourself that, Obama. It caught up with Nixon, it will catch up with you.
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of people who aren't full of B.S.,
M.
Day Ninety-Six: The Indian in the Cupboard
THE INDIAN IN THE CUPBOARD
Starring:
-Richard Jenkins
-David Keith
Directed by: Frank Oz
Screenplay Credits: Melissa Mathison
MPAA Rating: PG
Omri is a horse-faced little boy who receives a magical cupboard for his 9th birthday. Omri soon discovers that if he puts a toy in the cupboard and locks the door, the toy will come to life. Omri creates Little Bear, an Iroquois warrior, and a few other little guys to play with.
For the most part, the dialogue is dry and fairly boring. The most interesting exchanges are between Little Bear and cowboy Boo-Hoo Boone. The funny dialogue comes out when the two are finally allowed to play off each other.
It's an interesting premise for a totally uninteresting movie, which only leaves you with two questions:
1.) Who do these children have such strange names? Omri and Gilley? Seriously?
2.) Why are there so many close-ups of this goofy looking child's head?
FINAL GRADE: C
Off in search of a wife,
M.
Starring:
-Richard Jenkins
-David Keith
Directed by: Frank Oz
Screenplay Credits: Melissa Mathison
MPAA Rating: PG
Omri is a horse-faced little boy who receives a magical cupboard for his 9th birthday. Omri soon discovers that if he puts a toy in the cupboard and locks the door, the toy will come to life. Omri creates Little Bear, an Iroquois warrior, and a few other little guys to play with.
For the most part, the dialogue is dry and fairly boring. The most interesting exchanges are between Little Bear and cowboy Boo-Hoo Boone. The funny dialogue comes out when the two are finally allowed to play off each other.
It's an interesting premise for a totally uninteresting movie, which only leaves you with two questions:
1.) Who do these children have such strange names? Omri and Gilley? Seriously?
2.) Why are there so many close-ups of this goofy looking child's head?
FINAL GRADE: C
Off in search of a wife,
M.
Day Ninety-Five: The Thornbirds
THE THORNBIRDS
Starring:
-Barbara Stanwyck
-Richard Chamberlin
-Rachel Ward
-Jean Simmons
-Bryan Brown
Directed by: Daryl Duke
Teleplay by: Carmen Culver
Barbara Stanwyck plays Mary Carson, the original white-haired horn dog. Mary owns Drogheda, an enormous sheep ranch in Australia. She is disgustingly wealthy, yet morally bankrupt. She's also in love with local priest Father Ralph de Bricassart, played by Richard Chamberlin (who, for whatever reason, has always reminded me of a velociraptor). Richard does not reciprocate these feelings; instead he has an obsession with Mary's young niece, Meggie Cleary. Secrets are revealed and old family struggles continue as the older generations pass away and the youngsters take over Drogheda.
The Thornbirds really is an epic romance that spans the generations. It's more than just Ralph and Meggie, it's the romance of the entire family. It's hard to explain, but it's almost TOO dramatic. One character or another is always waxing poetic (we're looking at you, Father Ralph) about the most random crap. Richard especially has the uncanny ability to launch into a weighty monologue at the drop of a hat, leaving his cast mates frozen beside him, very clearly bored and going over their shopping list in their heads.
And if you stick with the saga to the very end, Richard's endless squawking does become tiring. "I'm a priest! I'm a priest! I love you, but I love God more! BWOCK! I'm a priest!"
Polly want a cracker?
And if you can watch the scenes where Christopher Plummer sits and plays with his cat without thinking about Dr. Evil from Austin Powers, you're a much stronger woman than I.
"Ah, Sheba! Must you be so selfish? You make my legs numb!"
"Ah, Sheba! Must you always dig in your claws when you are happy?"
The scene where the fire breaks out on Drogheda is annoyingly reminiscent of the burning of Atlanta from GONE WITH THE WIND. As everything crackles and burns, one almost expects to see Rhett and Scarlet come flying through on their horse and buggy.
Also, is is just me or is this family constantly marching out to the cemetery to sad music? There's probably ten or twelve funeral sequences in this darn thing, which is bad news for the cast as every single one of them is a terrible cryer. Consider yourself warned, this epic features the most epically horrendous, phony looking crying I've ever seen.
In some scenes you just want to punch Father Ralph in the face. He orbits around Meggie her whole life, spending time with her, making daisy chains, braiding her hair, being her BFF, then he throws all that in her face and starts squawking about the priesthood again.
Meggie, you can never have him because blah, blah, he's a priest, blah.
And even if he wasn't a man of the cloth, you still wouldn't want him. Father Ralph is the kind of man who could never be married to a woman because he's only married to his job. But Meggie never seems to realize that it takes a mighty good man to be better than no man at all.
A few technical notes: the audio doesn't always sync up and diction isn't the actors' main concern. Occasionally, 'Drogheda' comes out more like 'Gordita' or 'Brigitta', bringing to mind either images of the fifth von Trapp child or cheap Mexican food.
For the most part though, I really enjoyed it and will probably watch it again someday.
The original complete saga is presented in two double-sided discs with a decent amount of special features, but the sweeping story of a sexy, forbidden romance is reason enough to give this DVD a whirl.
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of a cracker for Father Ralph,
M.
Starring:
-Barbara Stanwyck
-Richard Chamberlin
-Rachel Ward
-Jean Simmons
-Bryan Brown
Directed by: Daryl Duke
Teleplay by: Carmen Culver
Barbara Stanwyck plays Mary Carson, the original white-haired horn dog. Mary owns Drogheda, an enormous sheep ranch in Australia. She is disgustingly wealthy, yet morally bankrupt. She's also in love with local priest Father Ralph de Bricassart, played by Richard Chamberlin (who, for whatever reason, has always reminded me of a velociraptor). Richard does not reciprocate these feelings; instead he has an obsession with Mary's young niece, Meggie Cleary. Secrets are revealed and old family struggles continue as the older generations pass away and the youngsters take over Drogheda.
The Thornbirds really is an epic romance that spans the generations. It's more than just Ralph and Meggie, it's the romance of the entire family. It's hard to explain, but it's almost TOO dramatic. One character or another is always waxing poetic (we're looking at you, Father Ralph) about the most random crap. Richard especially has the uncanny ability to launch into a weighty monologue at the drop of a hat, leaving his cast mates frozen beside him, very clearly bored and going over their shopping list in their heads.
And if you stick with the saga to the very end, Richard's endless squawking does become tiring. "I'm a priest! I'm a priest! I love you, but I love God more! BWOCK! I'm a priest!"
Polly want a cracker?
And if you can watch the scenes where Christopher Plummer sits and plays with his cat without thinking about Dr. Evil from Austin Powers, you're a much stronger woman than I.
"Ah, Sheba! Must you be so selfish? You make my legs numb!"
"Ah, Sheba! Must you always dig in your claws when you are happy?"
The scene where the fire breaks out on Drogheda is annoyingly reminiscent of the burning of Atlanta from GONE WITH THE WIND. As everything crackles and burns, one almost expects to see Rhett and Scarlet come flying through on their horse and buggy.
Also, is is just me or is this family constantly marching out to the cemetery to sad music? There's probably ten or twelve funeral sequences in this darn thing, which is bad news for the cast as every single one of them is a terrible cryer. Consider yourself warned, this epic features the most epically horrendous, phony looking crying I've ever seen.
In some scenes you just want to punch Father Ralph in the face. He orbits around Meggie her whole life, spending time with her, making daisy chains, braiding her hair, being her BFF, then he throws all that in her face and starts squawking about the priesthood again.
Meggie, you can never have him because blah, blah, he's a priest, blah.
And even if he wasn't a man of the cloth, you still wouldn't want him. Father Ralph is the kind of man who could never be married to a woman because he's only married to his job. But Meggie never seems to realize that it takes a mighty good man to be better than no man at all.
A few technical notes: the audio doesn't always sync up and diction isn't the actors' main concern. Occasionally, 'Drogheda' comes out more like 'Gordita' or 'Brigitta', bringing to mind either images of the fifth von Trapp child or cheap Mexican food.
For the most part though, I really enjoyed it and will probably watch it again someday.
The original complete saga is presented in two double-sided discs with a decent amount of special features, but the sweeping story of a sexy, forbidden romance is reason enough to give this DVD a whirl.
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of a cracker for Father Ralph,
M.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Day Ninety-Four: The Tommyknockers
THE TOMMYKNOCKERS
Starring:
-Jimmy Smits
-Marg Helgenberger
-Traci Lords
Directed by: John Power
Teleplay by: Lawrence D. Cohen
MPAA Rating: unrated
Tommyknockers, Tommyknockers,
knocking at the door;
this freakin' movie is
such a bore!
Sorry Steve King, but for me, TOMMYKNOCKERS went bust.
Writer Marg Helgenberger discovers something sticking out of the ground on her property and convinces her boyfriend Jimmy Smits to help her dig it up. It soon becomes an obsession with Marg, as it emits a weird green glow and makes her feel all happy. Eventually, the town begins to fall under the thing's influence. Soon everyone but Jimmy Smits is subject to its mind control. Jimmy seems immune thanks to the metal plate in his head.
Things get especially weird when everybody starts pulling their teeth out, and my favorite part was when the frumpy housewife electrocuted her philandering husband with the aid of alien intelligence.
I love Jimmy Smits, cause he's all cute and junk, but his perfect mocha skin wasn't enough to redeem him in this case. Normally I can just close my eyes and imagine him as an Indian Chief and I get all happy inside. But not during TOMMYKNOCKERS.
Traci Lords is a decent actress, which might be surprising to some. Porn stars- former or current- aren't usually lauded for their mad dramatic skillz, but she was easily the most entertaining character in the film for me.
At any rate, THE TOMMYKNOCKERS is too long for its own good and completely not worth your time.
FINAL GRADE: D
Off in search of a typewriter that will do my work while I sleep,
M.
Starring:
-Jimmy Smits
-Marg Helgenberger
-Traci Lords
Directed by: John Power
Teleplay by: Lawrence D. Cohen
MPAA Rating: unrated
Tommyknockers, Tommyknockers,
knocking at the door;
this freakin' movie is
such a bore!
Sorry Steve King, but for me, TOMMYKNOCKERS went bust.
Writer Marg Helgenberger discovers something sticking out of the ground on her property and convinces her boyfriend Jimmy Smits to help her dig it up. It soon becomes an obsession with Marg, as it emits a weird green glow and makes her feel all happy. Eventually, the town begins to fall under the thing's influence. Soon everyone but Jimmy Smits is subject to its mind control. Jimmy seems immune thanks to the metal plate in his head.
Things get especially weird when everybody starts pulling their teeth out, and my favorite part was when the frumpy housewife electrocuted her philandering husband with the aid of alien intelligence.
I love Jimmy Smits, cause he's all cute and junk, but his perfect mocha skin wasn't enough to redeem him in this case. Normally I can just close my eyes and imagine him as an Indian Chief and I get all happy inside. But not during TOMMYKNOCKERS.
Traci Lords is a decent actress, which might be surprising to some. Porn stars- former or current- aren't usually lauded for their mad dramatic skillz, but she was easily the most entertaining character in the film for me.
At any rate, THE TOMMYKNOCKERS is too long for its own good and completely not worth your time.
FINAL GRADE: D
Off in search of a typewriter that will do my work while I sleep,
M.
Day Ninety-Three: Stevie Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble Live @ Montreux
SRV & DOUBLE TROUBLE LIVE @ MONTREUX
When SRV and Double Trouble originally appeared at the Montreux Music Festival in Switzerland, they were virtually unknown white guys playing the blues. They were the first unsigned group to appear at Montreux, and they actually got booed. Despite playing a good set, they are visibly shaken by the booers as they exit the stage.
Despite the reactions of a few disgruntled crowd members, the group did well at Montreux by meeting David Bowie, who was so impressed with Stevie Ray he asked him to play on his "Let's Dance" album.
By the time SRV & DT returned to Montreux in '85, they were at the top of their game.
Despite looking woefully stupid in that cowboy hat with the long, shaggy tail, Stevie Ray plays like he's got seconds to live. Fans are used to seeing him pour everything into every performance, but this time he's playing like he's really got something to prove. The energy in the room is electric and, lucky for us, that translates to the screen.
Due to Stevie Ray's tragic demise (which I freely admit to still sobbing about from time to time) future generations will never have the pleasure of shaking Stevie's incredibly talented hand, or experiencing firsthand one of his intense concerts. Thankfully, there are a handful of CDs and DVDs that keep his memory alive and well.
As for me and my house, the first thing I'm going to do when I get to heaven is thank Jesus and give him a big hug. The next thing I'm gonna do is smooch on my grandparents a little, but the third thing I'm gonna do is get tickets to see Stevie Ray.
I know he's up there playing, because for Stevie, it wouldn't be heaven without a guitar.
FINAL GRADE: A+
Off in search of my pride and joy,
M.
When SRV and Double Trouble originally appeared at the Montreux Music Festival in Switzerland, they were virtually unknown white guys playing the blues. They were the first unsigned group to appear at Montreux, and they actually got booed. Despite playing a good set, they are visibly shaken by the booers as they exit the stage.
Despite the reactions of a few disgruntled crowd members, the group did well at Montreux by meeting David Bowie, who was so impressed with Stevie Ray he asked him to play on his "Let's Dance" album.
By the time SRV & DT returned to Montreux in '85, they were at the top of their game.
Despite looking woefully stupid in that cowboy hat with the long, shaggy tail, Stevie Ray plays like he's got seconds to live. Fans are used to seeing him pour everything into every performance, but this time he's playing like he's really got something to prove. The energy in the room is electric and, lucky for us, that translates to the screen.
Due to Stevie Ray's tragic demise (which I freely admit to still sobbing about from time to time) future generations will never have the pleasure of shaking Stevie's incredibly talented hand, or experiencing firsthand one of his intense concerts. Thankfully, there are a handful of CDs and DVDs that keep his memory alive and well.
As for me and my house, the first thing I'm going to do when I get to heaven is thank Jesus and give him a big hug. The next thing I'm gonna do is smooch on my grandparents a little, but the third thing I'm gonna do is get tickets to see Stevie Ray.
I know he's up there playing, because for Stevie, it wouldn't be heaven without a guitar.
FINAL GRADE: A+
Off in search of my pride and joy,
M.
Day Ninety-Two: Where the Wild Things Are
WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE
Starring:
-Max Records
-Catherine Keener
Directed by: Spike Jonze
Screenplay Credits: Spike Jonze & Dave Eggars
MPAA Rating: PG
I wanted so much to like this movie. Sadly, it was not to be. Sometimes trying to turn a 12 page kids book into a feature length film isn't the greatest idea, and in this case Maurice Sendak's classic tale is best left alone.
Young Max is no longer simply a rambunctious, imaginative boy; instead he is moody little beast who seems desperately in need of therapy. After one of his many violent outbursts, Max runs away from home and boards a tiny vessel for a faraway land full of giant, strange-looking monsters. Max befriends Carol, the monster whom we will eventually realize is supposed to parallel the boy.
They run around getting into fights and such before Max realizes he should return home and apologize to his mother.
The monsters each seem to have a different personality and all are obnoxiously whiny. Some sequences are too scary for youngsters, but then I wouldn't want any of my children watching this stupid movie anyway.
FINAL GRADE: D-
Off in search of ANYTHING but this,
M.
Starring:
-Max Records
-Catherine Keener
Directed by: Spike Jonze
Screenplay Credits: Spike Jonze & Dave Eggars
MPAA Rating: PG
I wanted so much to like this movie. Sadly, it was not to be. Sometimes trying to turn a 12 page kids book into a feature length film isn't the greatest idea, and in this case Maurice Sendak's classic tale is best left alone.
Young Max is no longer simply a rambunctious, imaginative boy; instead he is moody little beast who seems desperately in need of therapy. After one of his many violent outbursts, Max runs away from home and boards a tiny vessel for a faraway land full of giant, strange-looking monsters. Max befriends Carol, the monster whom we will eventually realize is supposed to parallel the boy.
They run around getting into fights and such before Max realizes he should return home and apologize to his mother.
The monsters each seem to have a different personality and all are obnoxiously whiny. Some sequences are too scary for youngsters, but then I wouldn't want any of my children watching this stupid movie anyway.
FINAL GRADE: D-
Off in search of ANYTHING but this,
M.
Day Ninety-One: Deliverance
DELIVERANCE
Starring:
-Burt Reynolds
-Jon Voight
-Ned Beatty
-Ronny Cox
Directed by: John Boorman
Screenplay credits: James Dickey
MPAA: R
Well, this was my very first time watching DELIVERANCE, and even though I had no idea what to expect, I certainly was not expecting that. The first thing that needs to be mentioned before we go any further is this: HOLY CRAP, wouldja get a look at Burt Reynolds' arms?!?!
I maintain that he looks strange without his mustache, but this does not make him any less of a manbeast.
The basic plot (for those of you weirdos like me who never sat down with the hillbilly version of BOURNE IDENTITY) is this: four dudes from the city decide to get in touch with their Jeremiah Johnson sides and go canoeing down this river. The whole area (including the local town of inbred citizens) will soon be flooded thanks to the imminent construction of dam.
The fellas roll out to the country and one of them strikes up a rousting performance of "Dueling Banjos" with one of the aforementioned yokels (here it should be mentioned that the "yokel" in question also appeared as a banjo player in Tim Burton's 2003 hit BIG FISH).
The foursome then embarks on their little trip, cruising the rapids and having a grand ole time. That night they stop to make a fire. Ned Beatty is mean to his inflatable mattress and the guys hear "something or someone" in the woods.
The next day is when things start to get serious. Jon Voight & Ned Beatty get separated from Burt and Ronny Cox and wind up held at gunpoint by a couple of toothless mountain men. It soon becomes very clear that these men are, um, interested in some of that hot city of Sodom action. Poor Jon gets tied to a tree with his own belt and it forced to watch Ned squeal like a pig. And it is freaky. Also, does anybody ever confuse Ned Beatty with M. Emmett Walsh, or is that just me?
Anyway, Burt comes up on the bad guys with his bow and arrow and pegs one right through the middle.
Nice shot, Burt. Wanna meet up later?
The men hastily decide to bury the body and get the heck out of dodge. The possible murder charges and other implications of this act have now become the white elephant in the canoe.
The men decide that since one of them has now been anally raped, the fun is now over. They start paddling like crazy and Ronny Cox inexplicably tumbles out of the canoe. All the men freak and crash and poor Burt breaks his femur.
One of their canoes has been destroyed and they're convinced that Ronny was shot from afar by The Man Who Got Away. They've no choice but to stop for the night and Jon makes it his mission to kill the second hillbilly.
The rest of the movie was tense, but it does kind of go down hill after the "you got a purdy mouth" scene. At the end of the day, I would say that i enjoyed it about as much as anybody could. Good performances, nice shots, beautiful scenery, S &M... you know, everything that makes a great film.
I especially liked the use of banjo music. The beginning "duel" between the outsider and the yokel set the tone for the rest of the film, and the subsequent banjo-related scenes are eerie reminders that these guys are way out their element.
This movie also adds to The List of Awesome People (fictitious or non) Who are Skilled with Bows and Arrows (list includes such venerable folk as Luke Duke - seriously, who would name their kid that?- Chuck Norris, and my uncle Paul).
Closing thoughts: Knowing very few mountain men personally, I have to wonder whether or not they are offended by this movie. Either that, or they consider it akin to watching "America's Funniest Home Videos."
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of a good banjo.
M.
Starring:
-Burt Reynolds
-Jon Voight
-Ned Beatty
-Ronny Cox
Directed by: John Boorman
Screenplay credits: James Dickey
MPAA: R
Well, this was my very first time watching DELIVERANCE, and even though I had no idea what to expect, I certainly was not expecting that. The first thing that needs to be mentioned before we go any further is this: HOLY CRAP, wouldja get a look at Burt Reynolds' arms?!?!
I maintain that he looks strange without his mustache, but this does not make him any less of a manbeast.
The basic plot (for those of you weirdos like me who never sat down with the hillbilly version of BOURNE IDENTITY) is this: four dudes from the city decide to get in touch with their Jeremiah Johnson sides and go canoeing down this river. The whole area (including the local town of inbred citizens) will soon be flooded thanks to the imminent construction of dam.
The fellas roll out to the country and one of them strikes up a rousting performance of "Dueling Banjos" with one of the aforementioned yokels (here it should be mentioned that the "yokel" in question also appeared as a banjo player in Tim Burton's 2003 hit BIG FISH).
The foursome then embarks on their little trip, cruising the rapids and having a grand ole time. That night they stop to make a fire. Ned Beatty is mean to his inflatable mattress and the guys hear "something or someone" in the woods.
The next day is when things start to get serious. Jon Voight & Ned Beatty get separated from Burt and Ronny Cox and wind up held at gunpoint by a couple of toothless mountain men. It soon becomes very clear that these men are, um, interested in some of that hot city of Sodom action. Poor Jon gets tied to a tree with his own belt and it forced to watch Ned squeal like a pig. And it is freaky. Also, does anybody ever confuse Ned Beatty with M. Emmett Walsh, or is that just me?
Anyway, Burt comes up on the bad guys with his bow and arrow and pegs one right through the middle.
Nice shot, Burt. Wanna meet up later?
The men hastily decide to bury the body and get the heck out of dodge. The possible murder charges and other implications of this act have now become the white elephant in the canoe.
The men decide that since one of them has now been anally raped, the fun is now over. They start paddling like crazy and Ronny Cox inexplicably tumbles out of the canoe. All the men freak and crash and poor Burt breaks his femur.
One of their canoes has been destroyed and they're convinced that Ronny was shot from afar by The Man Who Got Away. They've no choice but to stop for the night and Jon makes it his mission to kill the second hillbilly.
The rest of the movie was tense, but it does kind of go down hill after the "you got a purdy mouth" scene. At the end of the day, I would say that i enjoyed it about as much as anybody could. Good performances, nice shots, beautiful scenery, S &M... you know, everything that makes a great film.
I especially liked the use of banjo music. The beginning "duel" between the outsider and the yokel set the tone for the rest of the film, and the subsequent banjo-related scenes are eerie reminders that these guys are way out their element.
This movie also adds to The List of Awesome People (fictitious or non) Who are Skilled with Bows and Arrows (list includes such venerable folk as Luke Duke - seriously, who would name their kid that?- Chuck Norris, and my uncle Paul).
Closing thoughts: Knowing very few mountain men personally, I have to wonder whether or not they are offended by this movie. Either that, or they consider it akin to watching "America's Funniest Home Videos."
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of a good banjo.
M.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Day Ninety: The Great Muppet Caper
THE GREAT MUPPET CAPER
Starring:
-Jim Henson's Muppets
Directed by: Jim Henson
Screenplay Credits: Tom Patchett, Jay Tarses, Jerry Juhl, & Jack Rose
MPAA Rating: G
Kermit and his "twin brother" Fozzie have just landed gigs as reporters for the Daily Chronicle. Sadly, their exuberant performances in the joyful opening number made them miss out on covering a daring jewel heist. All of the other newspapers are now running the story, and Kermit and Fozzie's boss is furious. He fires the fellas, who decide to hop a plane to jolly old England, find theft victim Lady Holiday, get the scoop, recover the missing jewels, and return home to claim their jobs.
Things soon get out of hand (this is a Muppet movie, what did you expect?) as Kermit mistakes Miss Piggy for Lady Holiday and the real Lady holiday's scheming brother (Charles Grodin, whom I adore) is in cahoots with Lady Holiday's three anorexic models Carla, Darla, and Marla, and they're trying to frame Miss Piggy for the thefts even though Charles is madly in love with her.
Just another day in the life of a Muppet.
As usual, there are some funny celebrity cameos. Miss Piggy breaks into John Cleese's mansion to impress Kermit, gets caught in the closet, and worms her way out of possible arrest by asking for directions to a good restaurant. Peter Falk even takes a turn as a know-it-all hobo.
In the end, justice is served and peace returns to Jim Henson's studios once more. Overall, this is not my favorite, but I do think the song "Happiness Hotel" is wildly entertaining and very fun to sing.
FINAL GRADE: B+
Off in search of the baseball diamond,
M.
Starring:
-Jim Henson's Muppets
Directed by: Jim Henson
Screenplay Credits: Tom Patchett, Jay Tarses, Jerry Juhl, & Jack Rose
MPAA Rating: G
Kermit and his "twin brother" Fozzie have just landed gigs as reporters for the Daily Chronicle. Sadly, their exuberant performances in the joyful opening number made them miss out on covering a daring jewel heist. All of the other newspapers are now running the story, and Kermit and Fozzie's boss is furious. He fires the fellas, who decide to hop a plane to jolly old England, find theft victim Lady Holiday, get the scoop, recover the missing jewels, and return home to claim their jobs.
Things soon get out of hand (this is a Muppet movie, what did you expect?) as Kermit mistakes Miss Piggy for Lady Holiday and the real Lady holiday's scheming brother (Charles Grodin, whom I adore) is in cahoots with Lady Holiday's three anorexic models Carla, Darla, and Marla, and they're trying to frame Miss Piggy for the thefts even though Charles is madly in love with her.
Just another day in the life of a Muppet.
As usual, there are some funny celebrity cameos. Miss Piggy breaks into John Cleese's mansion to impress Kermit, gets caught in the closet, and worms her way out of possible arrest by asking for directions to a good restaurant. Peter Falk even takes a turn as a know-it-all hobo.
In the end, justice is served and peace returns to Jim Henson's studios once more. Overall, this is not my favorite, but I do think the song "Happiness Hotel" is wildly entertaining and very fun to sing.
FINAL GRADE: B+
Off in search of the baseball diamond,
M.
Day Eighty-Nine: Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? Vol. 1
SCOOBY-DOO WHERE ARE YOU? THE COMPLETE 1ST & 2ND SEASONS
Starring:
-Fred
-Daphne
-Velma
-Shaggy
-Scooby-dooby Doo!
The premise is simple: a Great Dane is a scaredy-cat. Together with his master/best friend Shaggy and their other pals (ascot-wielding Fred, sexy redhead Daphne, and chubby, bespectacled, know-it-all Velma), these meddling kids travel around the country in their groovy van The Mystery Machine. The kids can’t seem take a potty break without stumbling into some overly elaborate criminal scheme. But plunging headfirst into mysterious situations is one reason why the nosy brats have sleuthed their way into pop culture history.
The set I have features all 25 episodes from the original televisions series, seasons I & II. A lot of the classic villains and images associated with the Scooby-Doo canon are found in these seasons, including the Hawaiian Witch Doctor, Charlie the Funland Robot, the Wax Phantom, and the Headless Specter at the Haunted Mansion.
These are the classic episodes that really exemplify everything you expect to see in a Scooby-Doo cartoon. Unless you’re really paying close, judgmental attention, you’ll be having too much fun to realize that every plot is basically the same and it’s never really all that difficult figuring out who dunnit.
Over the years, I’ve heard people say that Shaggy is an obvious pothead, and make the assumption that “Scooby Snacks” are actually marijuana-laced cookies instead of wholesome, quality, humorously-named dog biscuits. To these dastardly assumption makers I say, “You are probably right.”
But that’s okay with me.
FINAL GRADE: A+
Off in search of Scooooooby snacks,
M.
Starring:
-Fred
-Daphne
-Velma
-Shaggy
-Scooby-dooby Doo!
The premise is simple: a Great Dane is a scaredy-cat. Together with his master/best friend Shaggy and their other pals (ascot-wielding Fred, sexy redhead Daphne, and chubby, bespectacled, know-it-all Velma), these meddling kids travel around the country in their groovy van The Mystery Machine. The kids can’t seem take a potty break without stumbling into some overly elaborate criminal scheme. But plunging headfirst into mysterious situations is one reason why the nosy brats have sleuthed their way into pop culture history.
The set I have features all 25 episodes from the original televisions series, seasons I & II. A lot of the classic villains and images associated with the Scooby-Doo canon are found in these seasons, including the Hawaiian Witch Doctor, Charlie the Funland Robot, the Wax Phantom, and the Headless Specter at the Haunted Mansion.
These are the classic episodes that really exemplify everything you expect to see in a Scooby-Doo cartoon. Unless you’re really paying close, judgmental attention, you’ll be having too much fun to realize that every plot is basically the same and it’s never really all that difficult figuring out who dunnit.
Over the years, I’ve heard people say that Shaggy is an obvious pothead, and make the assumption that “Scooby Snacks” are actually marijuana-laced cookies instead of wholesome, quality, humorously-named dog biscuits. To these dastardly assumption makers I say, “You are probably right.”
But that’s okay with me.
FINAL GRADE: A+
Off in search of Scooooooby snacks,
M.
Day Eighty-Eight: Year of the Dog
YEAR OF THE DOG
Starring:
-Molly Shannon
-John C. Reilly
-Peter Sarsgaard
Written & Directed by: Mike White
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Wow. What a depressing little movie this is. I mean it. Seriously depressing. Dogs die, friends are stupid, families are stupid, and bosses are boring. Now that you have read this sentence, you know the basic gist of this film.
Molly Shannon plays Peggy Spade, a somewhat nerdy secretary whose obsession with animals almost drives her over the edge.
There are moments in this film that really tug on your heartstrings. Sadly, the majority of the supporting characters have more feeling, more drive, and more, I don't know, oomph than poor Peggy. This movie attempts to detail her process from seemingly normal, albeit boring, single pet owner to vegan animal rights nut job who blows off her family, friends, and job to save chickens.
To say the least, I was not impressed and barely made it through the film. I respect Mike White and the filmmaking, but the story just falls flat on its furry little bottom.
FINAL GRADE: D-
Off in search of poor, poor Pencil,
M.
Starring:
-Molly Shannon
-John C. Reilly
-Peter Sarsgaard
Written & Directed by: Mike White
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Wow. What a depressing little movie this is. I mean it. Seriously depressing. Dogs die, friends are stupid, families are stupid, and bosses are boring. Now that you have read this sentence, you know the basic gist of this film.
Molly Shannon plays Peggy Spade, a somewhat nerdy secretary whose obsession with animals almost drives her over the edge.
There are moments in this film that really tug on your heartstrings. Sadly, the majority of the supporting characters have more feeling, more drive, and more, I don't know, oomph than poor Peggy. This movie attempts to detail her process from seemingly normal, albeit boring, single pet owner to vegan animal rights nut job who blows off her family, friends, and job to save chickens.
To say the least, I was not impressed and barely made it through the film. I respect Mike White and the filmmaking, but the story just falls flat on its furry little bottom.
FINAL GRADE: D-
Off in search of poor, poor Pencil,
M.
Day Eighty-Six: Toy Story 2
TOY STORY 2
Starring:
-Tim Allen
-Tom Hanks
-Joan Cusack
-Kelsey Grammar
Directed by: John Lasseter, Ash Brannon, & Lee Unkrich
Screenplay Credits: Andrew Stanton, Rita Hsaio, Doug Chamberlin, & Chris Webb
MPAA Rating: G
After finally becoming friends at the end of the first movie, Buzz & Woody enjoy life as Andy's favorite toys. In this installment, Woody has been stolen by a hateful toy collector in order to complete a collection of Woody's Round-Up dolls. The other toys must rescue him and bring him home to Andy.
This film features your favorite characters, as well as all new toys. In my opinion, it's even better than the original, which is quite a feat. Great lines in this one, but not as much absurdity (remember Buzz's proclamation that he was Mrs. Nusbaum in TS1? ). I especially love it when Stinky Pete exclaims, "My burns are burnin'!"
Yeehaw!
FINAL GRADE: A+
Off in search of an Asian buyer,
M.
Starring:
-Tim Allen
-Tom Hanks
-Joan Cusack
-Kelsey Grammar
Directed by: John Lasseter, Ash Brannon, & Lee Unkrich
Screenplay Credits: Andrew Stanton, Rita Hsaio, Doug Chamberlin, & Chris Webb
MPAA Rating: G
After finally becoming friends at the end of the first movie, Buzz & Woody enjoy life as Andy's favorite toys. In this installment, Woody has been stolen by a hateful toy collector in order to complete a collection of Woody's Round-Up dolls. The other toys must rescue him and bring him home to Andy.
This film features your favorite characters, as well as all new toys. In my opinion, it's even better than the original, which is quite a feat. Great lines in this one, but not as much absurdity (remember Buzz's proclamation that he was Mrs. Nusbaum in TS1? ). I especially love it when Stinky Pete exclaims, "My burns are burnin'!"
Yeehaw!
FINAL GRADE: A+
Off in search of an Asian buyer,
M.
Day Eighty-Five: Toy Story
TOY STORY
Starring:
-Tom Hanks
-Tim Allen
-Wallace Shawn
-Don Rickles
-Annie Potts
Directed by: John Lasseter
Screenplay Credits:Joss Whedon, Joel Coen, Alec Sokolow, & Andrew Stanton
MPAA Rating: G
Classic toy Sheriff Woody is Andy's favorite toy... until Space Ranger Buzz Lightyear crashes the scene. An intense rivalry heats up between the two, leaving Andy's other toys caught in the middle. The mood is tense among the toys as Andy's family is preparing to move to a new house, and all are concerned with being left behind.
Interestingly, this movie bears the definite mark of Joss Whedon. I can't quite put my finger on it, but you can certainly tell he had a hand in the writing. TOY STORY is a hilarious film; truly a classic. It's equally fun for grown-ups and kids, and adults will especially love seeing some of their old favorite toys come to life in a totally new way.
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of infinity and beyond,
M.
Starring:
-Tom Hanks
-Tim Allen
-Wallace Shawn
-Don Rickles
-Annie Potts
Directed by: John Lasseter
Screenplay Credits:Joss Whedon, Joel Coen, Alec Sokolow, & Andrew Stanton
MPAA Rating: G
Classic toy Sheriff Woody is Andy's favorite toy... until Space Ranger Buzz Lightyear crashes the scene. An intense rivalry heats up between the two, leaving Andy's other toys caught in the middle. The mood is tense among the toys as Andy's family is preparing to move to a new house, and all are concerned with being left behind.
Interestingly, this movie bears the definite mark of Joss Whedon. I can't quite put my finger on it, but you can certainly tell he had a hand in the writing. TOY STORY is a hilarious film; truly a classic. It's equally fun for grown-ups and kids, and adults will especially love seeing some of their old favorite toys come to life in a totally new way.
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of infinity and beyond,
M.
Day Seventy-Nine: The Blind Side
THE BLIND SIDE
Starring:
-Sandra Bullock
-Tim McGraw
-Quinton Aaron
-Kathy Bates
Written & Directed by: John Lee Hancock
MPAA Rating: PG-13
When this movie was first released and everybody and their mama started going wild over it, I admit to having certain reservations. I believe my exact words were, “Oh great…another inspirational football film.” Quite frankly, I think we’ve got about twelve too many, so I wasn’t exactly thrilled to hear of another one joining its ranks.
I was especially alarmed when I heard how all the Christians were going wild for this film. Don’t get me wrong; I’m a Christian and a lover of the arts. I have seen the type of movies that my Christian counterparts tend to go wild over, and most of them include Kirk Cameron and are so disgustingly sappy that you run the risk of falling into a diabetic coma. It’s a major pet peeve of mine, these “Christian-approved” films, skits, or TV shows that are just poor quality, or mediocre at best.
But when I actually saw THE BLIND SIDE, I had reason to rejoice. This movie has elements of the stereotypical inspiration football movie, and elements of the vomit-inducing “Christian values,” but it can be categorized by neither of them.
It’s interesting to me that while we see this family pray and make moral choices, we never see them in a church service. I think this is because we don’t have to. We don’t have to know which affiliation or denomination this family considers itself. We don’t have to know because we can see Christ through their example. Because of their lives, we know they share His love.
Morality aside, the film is extremely well made. The screenwriter made good use of the repeating device, in which a line from the beginning of the film is mirrored toward the end, spoken by a different character or delivered in a slightly different context.
Scenes were fluid and transitioned seamlessly from the school, to the field, to the Tuohy’s home, to the scary streets of Memphis’ Hurt Village.
I must admit I was somewhat drawn out of the film when Michael’s tutor Miss Sue (Bates) uttered the line, “Do you trust me, Michael?”
Immediately and without thinking I blurted out, “Not after I saw what you did to James Caan’s feet.”
The people I was watching the movie with all laughed, but I was being totally serious. Kathy Bates is a scary lady.
Despite this, I enjoyed the movie and plan on watching it again in the very near future, just because it made me feel so darn good to be a member of the human race.
There are good people out there who want to do the right thing, and love others, and live for Christ. They are strong in their faith, but they don’t shove belief down your throat. Instead they lead by their lives and the Christian example they set. It is my firm belief that God has worked and continues to work through the Tuohy family to give us all an example of pure, self-sacrificing love.
It’s clear to me why Sandra Bullock received her Academy award. In closing, I hope she whacks her philandering husband over the head with it two or three times. And I say that in Christian love.
FINAL GRADE: A+
Off in search of a Taco Bell,
M.
Starring:
-Sandra Bullock
-Tim McGraw
-Quinton Aaron
-Kathy Bates
Written & Directed by: John Lee Hancock
MPAA Rating: PG-13
When this movie was first released and everybody and their mama started going wild over it, I admit to having certain reservations. I believe my exact words were, “Oh great…another inspirational football film.” Quite frankly, I think we’ve got about twelve too many, so I wasn’t exactly thrilled to hear of another one joining its ranks.
I was especially alarmed when I heard how all the Christians were going wild for this film. Don’t get me wrong; I’m a Christian and a lover of the arts. I have seen the type of movies that my Christian counterparts tend to go wild over, and most of them include Kirk Cameron and are so disgustingly sappy that you run the risk of falling into a diabetic coma. It’s a major pet peeve of mine, these “Christian-approved” films, skits, or TV shows that are just poor quality, or mediocre at best.
But when I actually saw THE BLIND SIDE, I had reason to rejoice. This movie has elements of the stereotypical inspiration football movie, and elements of the vomit-inducing “Christian values,” but it can be categorized by neither of them.
It’s interesting to me that while we see this family pray and make moral choices, we never see them in a church service. I think this is because we don’t have to. We don’t have to know which affiliation or denomination this family considers itself. We don’t have to know because we can see Christ through their example. Because of their lives, we know they share His love.
Morality aside, the film is extremely well made. The screenwriter made good use of the repeating device, in which a line from the beginning of the film is mirrored toward the end, spoken by a different character or delivered in a slightly different context.
Scenes were fluid and transitioned seamlessly from the school, to the field, to the Tuohy’s home, to the scary streets of Memphis’ Hurt Village.
I must admit I was somewhat drawn out of the film when Michael’s tutor Miss Sue (Bates) uttered the line, “Do you trust me, Michael?”
Immediately and without thinking I blurted out, “Not after I saw what you did to James Caan’s feet.”
The people I was watching the movie with all laughed, but I was being totally serious. Kathy Bates is a scary lady.
Despite this, I enjoyed the movie and plan on watching it again in the very near future, just because it made me feel so darn good to be a member of the human race.
There are good people out there who want to do the right thing, and love others, and live for Christ. They are strong in their faith, but they don’t shove belief down your throat. Instead they lead by their lives and the Christian example they set. It is my firm belief that God has worked and continues to work through the Tuohy family to give us all an example of pure, self-sacrificing love.
It’s clear to me why Sandra Bullock received her Academy award. In closing, I hope she whacks her philandering husband over the head with it two or three times. And I say that in Christian love.
FINAL GRADE: A+
Off in search of a Taco Bell,
M.
Day Seventy-Eight: A Boy and His Dog
A BOY AND HIS DOG
Starring:
-Don Johnson
-Susanne Benton
-Jason Robards
Directed by: LQ Jones
MPAA Rating: R
Between the tagline, “a rather kinky tale of survival” and the eerie, grinning mushroom cloud on the case cover, one should be able to surmise that this is a very strange film.
Originally released in 1975, this freaky little movie has achieved cult status in the science fiction world, and it’s easy to see why. This is one of the most culty movies I have ever seen. Don Johnson stars as Vic, a handsome young guy who is just trying to make ends meet and find women to sleep with. The year is 2024, and WWIV has turned the entire world into an endless wasteland. Survivors battle for food, shelter, and hookers in the post-apocalyptic landscape. Vic is slightly better off than the other survivors, because he has a snarky, shaggy dog named Blood with whom he can communicate telepathically.
I know it’s weird, but just stay with me here.
The lingering affects of the radiation have destroyed Blood’s power to scavenge for food, but he has retained him ability to sniff out women. This is important to Vic, because he’s a pretty nasty guy. So the arrangement is, Vic finds Blood food, Blood finds Vic chicks. That has to be one of the weirdest sentences I have ever typed in my entire life. Spellcheck is going crazy with that one.
One such woman that Blood sniffs out is a shady character who convinces Vic to return to her creepy underground town. This is where survivors with creepy clown makeup have lived for years. But lack of exposure to the sun has rendered the men impotent (tough break, fellas), and all the townsfolk are dying out and a dismally slow pace.
Long story short, the woman’s job was to lure Vic down there so he could serve as baby daddy for the dying community. He thinks this is a pretty fair idea until he realizes that not only will he be forced to marry all of these creepy women, he doesn’t actually get to get jiggy with any of them. Instead he is hooked up to a machine and…well, you get the idea. It’s pretty gross. This is definitely a man movie.
Anyway, the gal decides to rescue Vic and take him away from this terrible place, so she helps him to the exit and he helps her destroy the creepy town. Back up top, Vic discovers that Blood has been badly injured and is almost starved to death (can’t hunt, remember?).
This is where the film is really warped. In one frame, there is the woman standing next to Vic. The next frame shows Vic and Blood walking off into the sunset together, their conversation blatantly implying that Vic killed the woman and cooked her over an open fire to nourish Blood.
I know, right?!?!
This movie is downright terrible, but it is almost criminally weird. I can think of maybe three or four people I might recommend this to, but only because I know they appreciate freaky little things like this a lot more than the average bear.
To me, the single redeeming quality of this film is that Blood is hilarious, with a delightfully dry wit, and he is played by Tiger from THE BRADY BUNCH. No kidding, people. It really is him and he’s just as cute has he can be.
Fun fact for you folks: plans were made to make a sequel (and odds are it would have been even more horrific than its predecessor), but the project was canned when Tiger died. Sad day. Anway, since he was a mutt (and not a designer dog like Rin Tin Tin or Lassie), a replacement Blood could not be found.
But I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it, if I were you.
FINAL GRADE: C-
Off in search of women and food,
M.
Starring:
-Don Johnson
-Susanne Benton
-Jason Robards
Directed by: LQ Jones
MPAA Rating: R
Between the tagline, “a rather kinky tale of survival” and the eerie, grinning mushroom cloud on the case cover, one should be able to surmise that this is a very strange film.
Originally released in 1975, this freaky little movie has achieved cult status in the science fiction world, and it’s easy to see why. This is one of the most culty movies I have ever seen. Don Johnson stars as Vic, a handsome young guy who is just trying to make ends meet and find women to sleep with. The year is 2024, and WWIV has turned the entire world into an endless wasteland. Survivors battle for food, shelter, and hookers in the post-apocalyptic landscape. Vic is slightly better off than the other survivors, because he has a snarky, shaggy dog named Blood with whom he can communicate telepathically.
I know it’s weird, but just stay with me here.
The lingering affects of the radiation have destroyed Blood’s power to scavenge for food, but he has retained him ability to sniff out women. This is important to Vic, because he’s a pretty nasty guy. So the arrangement is, Vic finds Blood food, Blood finds Vic chicks. That has to be one of the weirdest sentences I have ever typed in my entire life. Spellcheck is going crazy with that one.
One such woman that Blood sniffs out is a shady character who convinces Vic to return to her creepy underground town. This is where survivors with creepy clown makeup have lived for years. But lack of exposure to the sun has rendered the men impotent (tough break, fellas), and all the townsfolk are dying out and a dismally slow pace.
Long story short, the woman’s job was to lure Vic down there so he could serve as baby daddy for the dying community. He thinks this is a pretty fair idea until he realizes that not only will he be forced to marry all of these creepy women, he doesn’t actually get to get jiggy with any of them. Instead he is hooked up to a machine and…well, you get the idea. It’s pretty gross. This is definitely a man movie.
Anyway, the gal decides to rescue Vic and take him away from this terrible place, so she helps him to the exit and he helps her destroy the creepy town. Back up top, Vic discovers that Blood has been badly injured and is almost starved to death (can’t hunt, remember?).
This is where the film is really warped. In one frame, there is the woman standing next to Vic. The next frame shows Vic and Blood walking off into the sunset together, their conversation blatantly implying that Vic killed the woman and cooked her over an open fire to nourish Blood.
I know, right?!?!
This movie is downright terrible, but it is almost criminally weird. I can think of maybe three or four people I might recommend this to, but only because I know they appreciate freaky little things like this a lot more than the average bear.
To me, the single redeeming quality of this film is that Blood is hilarious, with a delightfully dry wit, and he is played by Tiger from THE BRADY BUNCH. No kidding, people. It really is him and he’s just as cute has he can be.
Fun fact for you folks: plans were made to make a sequel (and odds are it would have been even more horrific than its predecessor), but the project was canned when Tiger died. Sad day. Anway, since he was a mutt (and not a designer dog like Rin Tin Tin or Lassie), a replacement Blood could not be found.
But I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it, if I were you.
FINAL GRADE: C-
Off in search of women and food,
M.
Day Seventy-Six: Cabaret
CABARET
Starring:
-Liza Minnelli
-Michael York
-Joel Grey
Directed by: Bob Fosse
Screenplay Credits: Jay Allen
MPAA Rating: PG
Liza Minnelli stars as American cabaret dancer Sally Bowles who is working in Berlin at the KitKat Klub. When handsome young brit Brian Roberts (York) moves into the flat across the hall, Sally makes it her mission to befriend and seduce him. She convinces him to move into her large apartment and share the cost of rent. The two eventually become lovers, although it is made clear the Brian is bisexual. Eventually we discover that both Brian and Sally are “screwing” the same man, and we reach the disturbing conclusion that Sally is pregnant and cannot possibly determine which man is the father.
Brian tells Sally that paternity doesn’t matter, and the two discuss marriage and raising the child together in a little apartment somewhere in the country. If at this point in the film you are starting to think that all will end well for the pair, then you need to press STOP on your DVD player and go watch THE SOUND OF MUSIC immediately.
On “one of [her] whims,” Sally gets an abortion. In the end, Michael boards a train and Sally returns to the cabaret.
This is a dark, energetic musical that reflects the decadent life of a showgirl in 1940s Berlin, and the Nazis rise to violence and power. While the players are dancing and singing with wild abandon inside the theatre, Jews are being beaten and tormented on the outside streets.
One scene that is especially powerful takes place in a beer garden in the German countryside. A young Aryan boy in full Hitler Youth regalia stands and enthusiastically belts the beautiful, slightly chilling Nazi anthem, “Tomorrow Belongs to Me.” The other German citizens in the garden swell with patriotism and stand to join in the song, but they sing with great force and anger, so that the song becomes less of a lullaby and more of an angry shoutfest.
Legendary choreography Bob Fosse chose to direct in Germany, slightly altering the plot, main characters, and story arc of the hit Broadway play. Despite this, most of the show’s beloved songs are included and masterfully staged. Some of my favorites are “Mein Herr,” “Two Ladies,” and “Maybe This Time.”
Minnelli’s delivery of the song “Maybe This Time” is so touching; you see she really wants to believe that this time will be different, and you want to believe it right along with her.
Of course, no review of the film CABARET could possibly be made without mentioning the bizarre machinations of Joel Grey’s Master of Ceremonies.
He’s always scurrying around onstage and off in his bizarre makeup and strange little outfits. One reason I think the character is so interesting is because he was originated and perfected on Broadway by the soft-spoken Grey. Originally, Fosse was reluctant to cast Grey in his created role, but the producers informed him that if he wouldn’t work with Grey, he wouldn’t work at all.
In conclusion, I always enjoy watching this film. It has its light, comedic moments, but it definitely isn’t a picker-upper like HAIRSPRAY or SINGING IN THE RAIN. I would definitely put in on the darker level with hits like THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA or SWEENY TODD.
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of an oncoming train,
M.
Starring:
-Liza Minnelli
-Michael York
-Joel Grey
Directed by: Bob Fosse
Screenplay Credits: Jay Allen
MPAA Rating: PG
Liza Minnelli stars as American cabaret dancer Sally Bowles who is working in Berlin at the KitKat Klub. When handsome young brit Brian Roberts (York) moves into the flat across the hall, Sally makes it her mission to befriend and seduce him. She convinces him to move into her large apartment and share the cost of rent. The two eventually become lovers, although it is made clear the Brian is bisexual. Eventually we discover that both Brian and Sally are “screwing” the same man, and we reach the disturbing conclusion that Sally is pregnant and cannot possibly determine which man is the father.
Brian tells Sally that paternity doesn’t matter, and the two discuss marriage and raising the child together in a little apartment somewhere in the country. If at this point in the film you are starting to think that all will end well for the pair, then you need to press STOP on your DVD player and go watch THE SOUND OF MUSIC immediately.
On “one of [her] whims,” Sally gets an abortion. In the end, Michael boards a train and Sally returns to the cabaret.
This is a dark, energetic musical that reflects the decadent life of a showgirl in 1940s Berlin, and the Nazis rise to violence and power. While the players are dancing and singing with wild abandon inside the theatre, Jews are being beaten and tormented on the outside streets.
One scene that is especially powerful takes place in a beer garden in the German countryside. A young Aryan boy in full Hitler Youth regalia stands and enthusiastically belts the beautiful, slightly chilling Nazi anthem, “Tomorrow Belongs to Me.” The other German citizens in the garden swell with patriotism and stand to join in the song, but they sing with great force and anger, so that the song becomes less of a lullaby and more of an angry shoutfest.
Legendary choreography Bob Fosse chose to direct in Germany, slightly altering the plot, main characters, and story arc of the hit Broadway play. Despite this, most of the show’s beloved songs are included and masterfully staged. Some of my favorites are “Mein Herr,” “Two Ladies,” and “Maybe This Time.”
Minnelli’s delivery of the song “Maybe This Time” is so touching; you see she really wants to believe that this time will be different, and you want to believe it right along with her.
Of course, no review of the film CABARET could possibly be made without mentioning the bizarre machinations of Joel Grey’s Master of Ceremonies.
He’s always scurrying around onstage and off in his bizarre makeup and strange little outfits. One reason I think the character is so interesting is because he was originated and perfected on Broadway by the soft-spoken Grey. Originally, Fosse was reluctant to cast Grey in his created role, but the producers informed him that if he wouldn’t work with Grey, he wouldn’t work at all.
In conclusion, I always enjoy watching this film. It has its light, comedic moments, but it definitely isn’t a picker-upper like HAIRSPRAY or SINGING IN THE RAIN. I would definitely put in on the darker level with hits like THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA or SWEENY TODD.
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of an oncoming train,
M.
Day Seventy-Five: ANIMANIACS VOL. 1
STEVEN SPIELBERG PRESENTS: ANIMANIACS VOL. 1
Starring:
-Yakko
-Wakko
-Dot
Helloooo, Nurse!
If you ever find yourself in a conversation about shows that were ahead of their time, it’s almost inevitable that some cartoon-literate weirdo will mention Steven Spielberg’s ANIMANIACS. And with good reason! These kooky little cat/dog/rabbit looking creatures will worm their way into your heart the second they burst out of their prison/home in the Warner Movie Lot’s infamous water tower.
The cast is truly an ensemble; while the Warner children’s antics make up the majority of the series, their cartoons are punctuated with the stories of Slappy the Slaphappy Squirrel, Pinky & the Brain, The Goodfeathers, and (my personal favorites) Rita and Runt.
The songs are often educational and always entertaining. The dialogue crackles along rapidly, but is delivered so skillfully that you shouldn’t miss out on a single thing. With parodies so sophisticated, it’s impossible to believe that any child could actually understand them (Les Miseranimals being a prime example), but these cartoons are balanced with enough visual gags and comedic hijinks that the kids won’t mind missing a few of the more deliberate adult references. This show is without a doubt one of the finest “kid shows” any pop culture loving adult could find. And if you had to pick one DVD collection to take with you and your children to a desert island, this one is going to be your best bet, I guarantee it.
Or you could just sit around and play with your coconuts.
Goodnight, everybody!
FINAL GRADE: A+
Off in search of the Warner brothers (and sister!),
M.
Starring:
-Yakko
-Wakko
-Dot
Helloooo, Nurse!
If you ever find yourself in a conversation about shows that were ahead of their time, it’s almost inevitable that some cartoon-literate weirdo will mention Steven Spielberg’s ANIMANIACS. And with good reason! These kooky little cat/dog/rabbit looking creatures will worm their way into your heart the second they burst out of their prison/home in the Warner Movie Lot’s infamous water tower.
The cast is truly an ensemble; while the Warner children’s antics make up the majority of the series, their cartoons are punctuated with the stories of Slappy the Slaphappy Squirrel, Pinky & the Brain, The Goodfeathers, and (my personal favorites) Rita and Runt.
The songs are often educational and always entertaining. The dialogue crackles along rapidly, but is delivered so skillfully that you shouldn’t miss out on a single thing. With parodies so sophisticated, it’s impossible to believe that any child could actually understand them (Les Miseranimals being a prime example), but these cartoons are balanced with enough visual gags and comedic hijinks that the kids won’t mind missing a few of the more deliberate adult references. This show is without a doubt one of the finest “kid shows” any pop culture loving adult could find. And if you had to pick one DVD collection to take with you and your children to a desert island, this one is going to be your best bet, I guarantee it.
Or you could just sit around and play with your coconuts.
Goodnight, everybody!
FINAL GRADE: A+
Off in search of the Warner brothers (and sister!),
M.
Day Seventy-Four: The Little Rascals
THE LITTLE RASCALS
Starring:
- Travis Tedford
- Bug Hall
- Kevin Jamal Woods
- Courtland Mead
Directed by: Penelope Spheeris
Screenplay Credits: Paul Guay, Stephen Mazur, & Penelope Spheeris
MPAA Rating: PG
Here’s what I love about THE LITTLE RASCALS… everything except the kid with the mullet’s voice. I know, I know, he’s cute like a little John Denver, and I can respect that. But his character voice is like the sound make when you squash a toad with your Converse. I guess that’s why his name is Froggy.
Anyway, I went to college with a guy who looks just like Spanky, so this movie has a special, deep significance for me (he even talks like him, except not as high pitched).
The Rascals are gathered at the clubhouse to discuss the upcoming go cart race, but first they have to utter one of my favorite quotes:
“I, Stymie, member in good standing of the He-Man Woman-Haters Club do solemnly swear to be a He-Man and hate women, and not play with them or talk to them, unless I have to, and especially never fall in love. And if I do, may I die slowly and painfully and suffer for hours, or until I scream bloody murder.”
One reason Alfalfa is one of my favorite Rascals is because he is exactly what I imagine young Groucho Marx looked like.
Quick fun fact: THE LITTLE RASCALS has lots of good celebrity cameos, including Mel Brooks, Donald Trump, Whoopi Goldberg, Raven Simone, and Reba McIntire. The Olsen twins are also in the movie, but don’t let that ruin your enjoyment of the film.
Remember the infamous Buckwheat song? “We got a dolla! We got a dolla! We got a dolla, hey, hey, hey, hey!”
Here’s another quotable quote: “And then the clouds opened up and God said, “I hate you, Alfalfa.”
The movie is pretty much a long string of kid shenanigans, with some pretty hilarious one-liners along the way. In my opinion, it’s an excellent homage to The Little Rascals of old, successfully bringing a new generation of Rascals into the modern era.
One question though…how do these kids have a monkey?
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of somebody who won’t whip out their lizard,
M.
Starring:
- Travis Tedford
- Bug Hall
- Kevin Jamal Woods
- Courtland Mead
Directed by: Penelope Spheeris
Screenplay Credits: Paul Guay, Stephen Mazur, & Penelope Spheeris
MPAA Rating: PG
Here’s what I love about THE LITTLE RASCALS… everything except the kid with the mullet’s voice. I know, I know, he’s cute like a little John Denver, and I can respect that. But his character voice is like the sound make when you squash a toad with your Converse. I guess that’s why his name is Froggy.
Anyway, I went to college with a guy who looks just like Spanky, so this movie has a special, deep significance for me (he even talks like him, except not as high pitched).
The Rascals are gathered at the clubhouse to discuss the upcoming go cart race, but first they have to utter one of my favorite quotes:
“I, Stymie, member in good standing of the He-Man Woman-Haters Club do solemnly swear to be a He-Man and hate women, and not play with them or talk to them, unless I have to, and especially never fall in love. And if I do, may I die slowly and painfully and suffer for hours, or until I scream bloody murder.”
One reason Alfalfa is one of my favorite Rascals is because he is exactly what I imagine young Groucho Marx looked like.
Quick fun fact: THE LITTLE RASCALS has lots of good celebrity cameos, including Mel Brooks, Donald Trump, Whoopi Goldberg, Raven Simone, and Reba McIntire. The Olsen twins are also in the movie, but don’t let that ruin your enjoyment of the film.
Remember the infamous Buckwheat song? “We got a dolla! We got a dolla! We got a dolla, hey, hey, hey, hey!”
Here’s another quotable quote: “And then the clouds opened up and God said, “I hate you, Alfalfa.”
The movie is pretty much a long string of kid shenanigans, with some pretty hilarious one-liners along the way. In my opinion, it’s an excellent homage to The Little Rascals of old, successfully bringing a new generation of Rascals into the modern era.
One question though…how do these kids have a monkey?
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of somebody who won’t whip out their lizard,
M.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Day Seventy-Three: Paper Moon
PAPER MOON
Starring:
-Ryan O’Neal
-Tatum O’Neal
-Madeleine Kahn
Directed by: Peter Bogdanovich
Screenplay Credits: Alvin Sargent
MPAA Rating: PG -horror of horrors! A nine year old smokes!
“It’s only a paper moon, sailing over a cardboard sea...”
Oh, hello!
I didn’t see you there.
I was just singing that song PAPER MOON, which just so happens to be the name of today’s film. Of course, if you’re anything like me, you can’t hear that song without thinking about Blanche DuBois and wanting to take a shower to get the “creepy” off of you.
Or maybe you just want to get into the shower with Vivian Leigh.
At any rate, this movie has very little to do with Blanche DuBois, except I can picture Miss Trixie Delight getting involved with a Neanderthal Marlon Brando type, but I’m getting ahead of myself here.
PAPER MOON starts off at a pathetic little funeral for a dead prostitute. Her little girl Addie (Tatum) stands adorably by in one of those little Tabitha dresses (so called because they’re the outfits that Tabitha always wore on BEWITCHED). She’s pretty bummed now that her mom is dead because she doesn’t seem to have a father, either.
Cue Moses Pray, a Bible salesman and, ironically, Tatum O’Neal’s father. Moses knew Addie’s mother (in the biblical sense, more than likely) and came to pay his respects. Somehow he gets roped into taking Little Orphan Addie (sorry… I couldn’t resist) to her aunt’s house in Missouri.
Along the way, we learn that Moses is a conman. Addie proves to be as asset to his business, so he keeps her around. The pair is really raking in the dough when Moses falls head over naughty parts in lust with Miss Trixie Delight, a stripper who is traveling around with her expressionless black maid.
Addie becomes jealous of Trixie and tricks her into getting into bed with the desk clerk at the hotel they’re staying at (who also happens to be that skinny, brown-haired, moron cowboy from BLAZING SADDLES). Addie makes sure that Moses sees them together. He gets mad, and they’re off like a jug handle.
Moses has a hard time bouncing back after Miss Delight broke his heart (“broke his ego” is probably more accurate), but Addie convinces him to take a stab at cheating a greasy old bootlegger. Moses gives it a whirl and sells the crooked man his own liquor. Moses and Addie are barely out of town with their $600+ bucks when the sheriff (who just happens to be the bootlegger’s brother) stops them and throws them in the clink.
It’s good to have family in high places, especially if you’re going to bootleg in the Depression.
Addie hides their money and manages to steal the keys to their car. She and Moses escape and hurry to Missouri, where the bootlegger’s brother can’t catch them. Unfortunately for Moses, the long arm of the law still extends to con men, and the local sheriff robs him and beats the crap out of him.
This is the last straw for the battered Moses, who sends Addie to be with her Aunt. Addie is miserable, so she runs back to Moses and they hit the road together once more to con the crap out of honest, hard-working people.
I love a happy ending, don’t you?
This film was originally slated to star Paul Newman and his daughter Nell, and I honestly think that would have made a far superior film, at least where the character Moses is concerned. This role earned Tatum a Best Supporting Actress Oscar, and I believe she still holds the record for youngest Oscar winner ever. Naturally, the Academy was dumber than dumb to give the award to the kid over Madeleine Kahn, who is clearly far superior to Tatum O’Neal, even in death.
PAPER MOON is shot in black and white, which I think was a very wise decision. The picture is very crisp looking, and the color choice makes the Depression-era story come to life in really interesting ways.
FINAL GRADE: B+
Off in search of some rich sucker,
M.
Starring:
-Ryan O’Neal
-Tatum O’Neal
-Madeleine Kahn
Directed by: Peter Bogdanovich
Screenplay Credits: Alvin Sargent
MPAA Rating: PG -horror of horrors! A nine year old smokes!
“It’s only a paper moon, sailing over a cardboard sea...”
Oh, hello!
I didn’t see you there.
I was just singing that song PAPER MOON, which just so happens to be the name of today’s film. Of course, if you’re anything like me, you can’t hear that song without thinking about Blanche DuBois and wanting to take a shower to get the “creepy” off of you.
Or maybe you just want to get into the shower with Vivian Leigh.
At any rate, this movie has very little to do with Blanche DuBois, except I can picture Miss Trixie Delight getting involved with a Neanderthal Marlon Brando type, but I’m getting ahead of myself here.
PAPER MOON starts off at a pathetic little funeral for a dead prostitute. Her little girl Addie (Tatum) stands adorably by in one of those little Tabitha dresses (so called because they’re the outfits that Tabitha always wore on BEWITCHED). She’s pretty bummed now that her mom is dead because she doesn’t seem to have a father, either.
Cue Moses Pray, a Bible salesman and, ironically, Tatum O’Neal’s father. Moses knew Addie’s mother (in the biblical sense, more than likely) and came to pay his respects. Somehow he gets roped into taking Little Orphan Addie (sorry… I couldn’t resist) to her aunt’s house in Missouri.
Along the way, we learn that Moses is a conman. Addie proves to be as asset to his business, so he keeps her around. The pair is really raking in the dough when Moses falls head over naughty parts in lust with Miss Trixie Delight, a stripper who is traveling around with her expressionless black maid.
Addie becomes jealous of Trixie and tricks her into getting into bed with the desk clerk at the hotel they’re staying at (who also happens to be that skinny, brown-haired, moron cowboy from BLAZING SADDLES). Addie makes sure that Moses sees them together. He gets mad, and they’re off like a jug handle.
Moses has a hard time bouncing back after Miss Delight broke his heart (“broke his ego” is probably more accurate), but Addie convinces him to take a stab at cheating a greasy old bootlegger. Moses gives it a whirl and sells the crooked man his own liquor. Moses and Addie are barely out of town with their $600+ bucks when the sheriff (who just happens to be the bootlegger’s brother) stops them and throws them in the clink.
It’s good to have family in high places, especially if you’re going to bootleg in the Depression.
Addie hides their money and manages to steal the keys to their car. She and Moses escape and hurry to Missouri, where the bootlegger’s brother can’t catch them. Unfortunately for Moses, the long arm of the law still extends to con men, and the local sheriff robs him and beats the crap out of him.
This is the last straw for the battered Moses, who sends Addie to be with her Aunt. Addie is miserable, so she runs back to Moses and they hit the road together once more to con the crap out of honest, hard-working people.
I love a happy ending, don’t you?
This film was originally slated to star Paul Newman and his daughter Nell, and I honestly think that would have made a far superior film, at least where the character Moses is concerned. This role earned Tatum a Best Supporting Actress Oscar, and I believe she still holds the record for youngest Oscar winner ever. Naturally, the Academy was dumber than dumb to give the award to the kid over Madeleine Kahn, who is clearly far superior to Tatum O’Neal, even in death.
PAPER MOON is shot in black and white, which I think was a very wise decision. The picture is very crisp looking, and the color choice makes the Depression-era story come to life in really interesting ways.
FINAL GRADE: B+
Off in search of some rich sucker,
M.
Day Seventy-Two: The Sixth Sense
THE SIXTH SENSE
Starring:
-Bruce Willis
-Haley Joel Osment
-Toni Collette
Written & Directed by: M. Night Shyamalan
MPAA Rating: PG-13 - for some mild/moderate grossness
Remember back in the nineties when M. Night was the shizz? Yeah, me too. THE SIXTH SENSE, SIGNS, and THE VILLAGE are the only ones I’ve actually seen, and according to movie reviewers I both trust and admire, his other films aren’t quite up to snuff.
Turns out THE HAPPENING was about plants. PLANTS, people! ANGRY PLANTS!
But, I digress.
Anyway, Haley Joel plays Cole Sear, a little boy who doesn’t like it when people look at him like that, so stop it. Cole is a very sensitive child, probably because he spends most of his days looking at gruesome spirits wandering around trapped in our world. Seriously, it’s bad. Mischa Barton ruins his fort and pukes all over the place.
Cole’s mother is at her wits end with the strange circumstances surrounding her child. Although she notices strange things, she cannot see the big picture and she doesn’t know how to ask for help. But she’s a good Mama who feeds her baby Cocoa Puffs and she got him a beautiful dog.
Although he’s smart, Cole struggles at school. He’s compassionate and interesting, yet he has no friends. Cole starts seeing child psychologist Malcolm Crowe, who is interested in Cole because of the similarities he shares with a former, ill-fated patient.
Eventually, Cole confesses his terrible secret to Malcolm. The secret is this: he sees dead people.
I didn’t feel the need to go all ****SPOILER ALERT***** on you there, because I’m pretty sure that anybody who is reading this blog at least knows the basic premise of this huge beast of a movie.
But if you’ve never seen this one, I won’t be the one to ruin it for you. I will say, be wary of the color red. In fact, I probably wouldn’t rent the DVD from Redbox. Nor would I wear or eat anything red while watching the movie. But that’s just me.
Just a few observations I’ve made concerning Shyamalan films (once you know how to spell his last name, you’ll never forget it. Much like ‘Mississippi’ or ‘Wednesday.’):
M. Night likes to shoot his stars in reflections, presumably just because he can. Shyamalan thinks he’s Alfred Hitchcock, and more often than not he will cast himself in one of his movies. I wish I could cup his face tenderly in my palms and whisper in the kindest way possible, “M. sweetie, you need to stop this. Because you suck.”
Quentin Tarantino, I am also looking at you.
Shyamalan also seems to have a thing for struggling marriages and abandoned spouses, as evidenced by several of his other films. Of course the biggest Shyamalan-ism is the “what a twist!” ending he seems so fond of.
A few thoughts on the acting: Bruce Willis does very well in this picture, but the star of the show is, of course, wee Haley Joel Osment. H.J. tears it up, let me tell you. This kid could do anything! The sad but true fact is, I haven’t been impressed with him in anything sense SENSE. But maybe he’s through with acting and he’s working on getting his real estate license or something.
Wouldn’t that be cool?
“It’s a buyers market….they’re everywhere….all the time…walking around like regular people….you won’t tell them my secret, right?”
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of something blue for a change,
M. (not Night)
Starring:
-Bruce Willis
-Haley Joel Osment
-Toni Collette
Written & Directed by: M. Night Shyamalan
MPAA Rating: PG-13 - for some mild/moderate grossness
Remember back in the nineties when M. Night was the shizz? Yeah, me too. THE SIXTH SENSE, SIGNS, and THE VILLAGE are the only ones I’ve actually seen, and according to movie reviewers I both trust and admire, his other films aren’t quite up to snuff.
Turns out THE HAPPENING was about plants. PLANTS, people! ANGRY PLANTS!
But, I digress.
Anyway, Haley Joel plays Cole Sear, a little boy who doesn’t like it when people look at him like that, so stop it. Cole is a very sensitive child, probably because he spends most of his days looking at gruesome spirits wandering around trapped in our world. Seriously, it’s bad. Mischa Barton ruins his fort and pukes all over the place.
Cole’s mother is at her wits end with the strange circumstances surrounding her child. Although she notices strange things, she cannot see the big picture and she doesn’t know how to ask for help. But she’s a good Mama who feeds her baby Cocoa Puffs and she got him a beautiful dog.
Although he’s smart, Cole struggles at school. He’s compassionate and interesting, yet he has no friends. Cole starts seeing child psychologist Malcolm Crowe, who is interested in Cole because of the similarities he shares with a former, ill-fated patient.
Eventually, Cole confesses his terrible secret to Malcolm. The secret is this: he sees dead people.
I didn’t feel the need to go all ****SPOILER ALERT***** on you there, because I’m pretty sure that anybody who is reading this blog at least knows the basic premise of this huge beast of a movie.
But if you’ve never seen this one, I won’t be the one to ruin it for you. I will say, be wary of the color red. In fact, I probably wouldn’t rent the DVD from Redbox. Nor would I wear or eat anything red while watching the movie. But that’s just me.
Just a few observations I’ve made concerning Shyamalan films (once you know how to spell his last name, you’ll never forget it. Much like ‘Mississippi’ or ‘Wednesday.’):
M. Night likes to shoot his stars in reflections, presumably just because he can. Shyamalan thinks he’s Alfred Hitchcock, and more often than not he will cast himself in one of his movies. I wish I could cup his face tenderly in my palms and whisper in the kindest way possible, “M. sweetie, you need to stop this. Because you suck.”
Quentin Tarantino, I am also looking at you.
Shyamalan also seems to have a thing for struggling marriages and abandoned spouses, as evidenced by several of his other films. Of course the biggest Shyamalan-ism is the “what a twist!” ending he seems so fond of.
A few thoughts on the acting: Bruce Willis does very well in this picture, but the star of the show is, of course, wee Haley Joel Osment. H.J. tears it up, let me tell you. This kid could do anything! The sad but true fact is, I haven’t been impressed with him in anything sense SENSE. But maybe he’s through with acting and he’s working on getting his real estate license or something.
Wouldn’t that be cool?
“It’s a buyers market….they’re everywhere….all the time…walking around like regular people….you won’t tell them my secret, right?”
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of something blue for a change,
M. (not Night)
Day Seventy-One: Kinsey
KINSEY
Starring:
-Liam Neeson
-Laura Linney
-Peter Sarsgaard
-Timothy Hutton
Written & Directed by: Bill Condon
MPAA Rating: R -don’t ever bring the kiddies to this one
I wouldn’t say that this is a strange film, but it certainly is a very strange story. KINSEY is based on the real life professor Alfred Kinsey, who infamously conducted highly personal sex surveys across the United States. Professor Kinsey surveyed any and all who would allow him, including sex criminals and pedophiles. He made no attempts to judge people, wanting only to document their responses for the sake of his research.
I would say on the whole that his motives were right. There is no excuse for people to be uneducated. Still, the no consequences, free love, why don’t we get drunk and screw, flippant attitude he develops over the course of the film is equal parts disturbing and disgusting.
Still, I am here to review the movie, not the man.
While Laura Linney gives a good performance, Liam Neeson failed to impress. He’s still a charming performer, and parts of his characterization were spot on (like the scenes where he’s giving lectures or meeting with students), but other moments felt disingenuous to me, and pulled me out of the film.
This has precious little to do with the quality of the movie, but Peter Sarsgaard always looks sleepy to me. It’s like he needs somebody to poke him. Plus he always makes me think of that SNL skit with the pirates: “Peter Saaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrsgaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard!”
Another side note – Timothy Hutton is absolutely perfect with the slimeball roles. It makes me think that he may be a bit of a creeper in real life. I mean, nobody’s THAT convincingly creepy, right?
FINAL GRADE: B-
Off in search of the episode of I LOVE LUCY that briefly alludes to the Kinsey Report,
M.
Starring:
-Liam Neeson
-Laura Linney
-Peter Sarsgaard
-Timothy Hutton
Written & Directed by: Bill Condon
MPAA Rating: R -don’t ever bring the kiddies to this one
I wouldn’t say that this is a strange film, but it certainly is a very strange story. KINSEY is based on the real life professor Alfred Kinsey, who infamously conducted highly personal sex surveys across the United States. Professor Kinsey surveyed any and all who would allow him, including sex criminals and pedophiles. He made no attempts to judge people, wanting only to document their responses for the sake of his research.
I would say on the whole that his motives were right. There is no excuse for people to be uneducated. Still, the no consequences, free love, why don’t we get drunk and screw, flippant attitude he develops over the course of the film is equal parts disturbing and disgusting.
Still, I am here to review the movie, not the man.
While Laura Linney gives a good performance, Liam Neeson failed to impress. He’s still a charming performer, and parts of his characterization were spot on (like the scenes where he’s giving lectures or meeting with students), but other moments felt disingenuous to me, and pulled me out of the film.
This has precious little to do with the quality of the movie, but Peter Sarsgaard always looks sleepy to me. It’s like he needs somebody to poke him. Plus he always makes me think of that SNL skit with the pirates: “Peter Saaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrsgaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard!”
Another side note – Timothy Hutton is absolutely perfect with the slimeball roles. It makes me think that he may be a bit of a creeper in real life. I mean, nobody’s THAT convincingly creepy, right?
FINAL GRADE: B-
Off in search of the episode of I LOVE LUCY that briefly alludes to the Kinsey Report,
M.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Day Seventy: Batman Returns
BATMAN RETURNS
Starring:
-Michael Keaton
-Michelle Pfeiffer
-Danny DeVito
-Christopher Walken
Directed by: Tim Burton
Screenplay Credits: Daniel Waters
MPAA Rating: PG- 13 - brooding, dark violence
The first thing you'll notice about this movie is that the cast is absolutely huge. We're following a ton of stories here, most notably the ones related to animal people: Batman, Catwoman, and the Penguin.
And although I love cats, Danny DeVito, and Michelle Pfeiffer (in that order) I wasn't feeling my movie. Not only is this my least favorite of the older Batman films, it's my least favorite Tim Burton work. His influence is certainly everywhere, but it isn't as polished as most of his other films.
When the Penguin emerges from the sewers to seek vengeance on the parents who abandoned him, he learns that they've already bit the big one. Lucky for him, Mack Shreck (Christopher Walken, not to be confused with Shrek Shrek) is easily coerced into helping him find fame and fortune in Gotham City, and Shreck helps Penguin run for Mayor.
Meanwhile, lonely loser Selina Kyle has discovered her bosses' secret plans to drain Gotham City's energy (comic book plotline, much?). Shreck doesn't want to take a chance with Selina, so he throws her out the window of the tall office building. She looks pretty dead when she lands, but all these cats come running out of the alley to lick around on her and SUDDENLY she wakes up with a personality disorder.
The Batman/Catwoman feud and the Bruce Wayne/Selina Kyle love story make for interested contrasts, but they certainly don't live up to their full potentials. The best scene in my humble opinion is the one where Bruce and Selina are making out and they keep accidentally bumping up against the war wounds they themselves gave each other. AND YET THEY DON'T FIGURE IT OUT RIGHT THEN AND THERE!
Hilarious.
I'm convinced that the people of Gotham City are all mindless idiots and Bruce Wayne is a man of normal intelligence who just happens to have a butler and gobs of money. Everybody in the city is an idiot buffoon except for the outlandish villains and the original emo kid - Batman.
All in all, it isn't a terrible movie, but it will give you one of those Saturday morning cartoon-type feelings. It does reinforce my belief that Superman is the far superior super hero.
Sorry, Chris Pate.
FINAL GRADE: C-
Off in search of my parents,
M. Penguin
Starring:
-Michael Keaton
-Michelle Pfeiffer
-Danny DeVito
-Christopher Walken
Directed by: Tim Burton
Screenplay Credits: Daniel Waters
MPAA Rating: PG- 13 - brooding, dark violence
The first thing you'll notice about this movie is that the cast is absolutely huge. We're following a ton of stories here, most notably the ones related to animal people: Batman, Catwoman, and the Penguin.
And although I love cats, Danny DeVito, and Michelle Pfeiffer (in that order) I wasn't feeling my movie. Not only is this my least favorite of the older Batman films, it's my least favorite Tim Burton work. His influence is certainly everywhere, but it isn't as polished as most of his other films.
When the Penguin emerges from the sewers to seek vengeance on the parents who abandoned him, he learns that they've already bit the big one. Lucky for him, Mack Shreck (Christopher Walken, not to be confused with Shrek Shrek) is easily coerced into helping him find fame and fortune in Gotham City, and Shreck helps Penguin run for Mayor.
Meanwhile, lonely loser Selina Kyle has discovered her bosses' secret plans to drain Gotham City's energy (comic book plotline, much?). Shreck doesn't want to take a chance with Selina, so he throws her out the window of the tall office building. She looks pretty dead when she lands, but all these cats come running out of the alley to lick around on her and SUDDENLY she wakes up with a personality disorder.
The Batman/Catwoman feud and the Bruce Wayne/Selina Kyle love story make for interested contrasts, but they certainly don't live up to their full potentials. The best scene in my humble opinion is the one where Bruce and Selina are making out and they keep accidentally bumping up against the war wounds they themselves gave each other. AND YET THEY DON'T FIGURE IT OUT RIGHT THEN AND THERE!
Hilarious.
I'm convinced that the people of Gotham City are all mindless idiots and Bruce Wayne is a man of normal intelligence who just happens to have a butler and gobs of money. Everybody in the city is an idiot buffoon except for the outlandish villains and the original emo kid - Batman.
All in all, it isn't a terrible movie, but it will give you one of those Saturday morning cartoon-type feelings. It does reinforce my belief that Superman is the far superior super hero.
Sorry, Chris Pate.
FINAL GRADE: C-
Off in search of my parents,
M. Penguin
Day Sixty-Nine: Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland
ALICE IN WONDERLAND
Starring:
-Johnny Depp
-Helena Bonham Carter
-Mia Wasikowska
-Anne Hathaway
Directed by: Tim Burton
Screenplay Credits:Linda Woolverton
MPAA Rating: PG -because the caterpillar smokes
When the promos first appeared, the last thing I wanted to do was go see this movie. The characters looked too freaky, and I was concerned that it was going to be a full blown remake of the Disney animated feature.
Happily, I was coerced into going with a dear friend and her family and I was able to enjoy the experience in 3D.
First of all (if there is anybody left in the world who hasn't seen this movie, besides my mother), this is not a remake of the original. It is a continuation of the story, although it does provide brief, occasional frames based on the previous story.
Alice, now 19, has just arrived to her engagement party. This is news to her, and she has absolutely no desire to be roped into a marriage of convenience with a strange-nosed redhead with no personality. Dude proposes, but Alice runs away after the White Rabbit in the waistcoat and she ends up falling down the rabbit hole again.
Here is where the fun really begins.
Burton has created such a dazzling, vibrant, whimsical world that you absolutely cannot believe that Alice would ever want to return home.
The basic gist of the film on focused on girl power, and the slaying of the fearsome Jabberwocky with the Vorpal Sword. I don't want to give anything away, because this movie is such a joy to experience the first time.
Helena Bonham Carter is absolutely hilarious as the Red Queen. I think this is my favorite role of hers. Every line is delivered perfectly and the choice to warp her physically was absolutely inspired. The contrast between the Red and White Queens is both strong and compelling, and each Queen made excellent choices as far as characterization and style.
Overall, I'm giving this one an A+. I can't wait to add it to my collection.
Off in search of the frumious bandersnatch,
M.
Starring:
-Johnny Depp
-Helena Bonham Carter
-Mia Wasikowska
-Anne Hathaway
Directed by: Tim Burton
Screenplay Credits:Linda Woolverton
MPAA Rating: PG -because the caterpillar smokes
When the promos first appeared, the last thing I wanted to do was go see this movie. The characters looked too freaky, and I was concerned that it was going to be a full blown remake of the Disney animated feature.
Happily, I was coerced into going with a dear friend and her family and I was able to enjoy the experience in 3D.
First of all (if there is anybody left in the world who hasn't seen this movie, besides my mother), this is not a remake of the original. It is a continuation of the story, although it does provide brief, occasional frames based on the previous story.
Alice, now 19, has just arrived to her engagement party. This is news to her, and she has absolutely no desire to be roped into a marriage of convenience with a strange-nosed redhead with no personality. Dude proposes, but Alice runs away after the White Rabbit in the waistcoat and she ends up falling down the rabbit hole again.
Here is where the fun really begins.
Burton has created such a dazzling, vibrant, whimsical world that you absolutely cannot believe that Alice would ever want to return home.
The basic gist of the film on focused on girl power, and the slaying of the fearsome Jabberwocky with the Vorpal Sword. I don't want to give anything away, because this movie is such a joy to experience the first time.
Helena Bonham Carter is absolutely hilarious as the Red Queen. I think this is my favorite role of hers. Every line is delivered perfectly and the choice to warp her physically was absolutely inspired. The contrast between the Red and White Queens is both strong and compelling, and each Queen made excellent choices as far as characterization and style.
Overall, I'm giving this one an A+. I can't wait to add it to my collection.
Off in search of the frumious bandersnatch,
M.
Day Sixty-Eight: The Time Traveler's Wife
THE TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE
Starring:
-Eric Bana
-Rachel McAdams
Directed by: Robert Schwentke
Screenplay Credits: Bruce Joel Rubin
MPAA Rating: PG-13 - because Eric Bana cannot keep his clothes on
Some movies just need to have happy endings. I feel like this was one of those movies. Sadly, the screenwriter, director, and producer (and, coincidentally, the woman who wrote the novel originally) disagreed with me.
This movie was a head trip from the very beginning. You cannot afford to make a run for the potty without pausing because it's almost a guarantee that you will miss something vital to understanding what the heck is going on. My movie watching buddy and I compared it to THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT in that a single viewing is not going to answer all your questions, or leave you satisifed.
The prolbem with both of these movies is that neither one was compelling enough for me to ever desire a second viewing.
The movie is about a man named Henry who, for whatever reason, time travels. We has no control over when or where he goes, and the real kicker is, he always goes naked. So he's pretty much a criminal in all the other times because he has to break into people's homes and steal clothes.
The real victim here is his poor wife, Rachel McAdams, who loves him so much she wouldn't dream of leaving him, even though he time travels away from her- sometimes for weeks at a time. So even though the main character is Henry, the story is all about how his traveling influenced and affected his wife. I guess that's the point of the story really, given the title.
Henry and his long-suffering wife eventually have a kid (one who does not time travel out of the womb...yeah, you heard me) whom they name Alba. Like Jessica Alba, who I used to get confused with Rachel AcAdams. Anyway, the kid has the time traveling gene, but it's mutated a little. This means that she can occasionally control when, and where she goes, and how long she is gone. What she fails to report is what everybody wants to know: CAN YOU KEEP YOUR CLOTHES?!?!?!
Maybe I'm biased, but I think it would be infinitely worse to be a woman turning up naked somewhere than a man.
There were good performances by the adorable McAdams and (beautiful, simply beautiful) Bana, but as a whole, I wouldn't recommend THE TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE to anybody, unless they were interested in the phenomenon of time travel, or they just wanted to stare at Bana's butt.
You know what? On second thought, everybody go look at Eric Bana's butt!
FINAL GRADE: C+
Off in search of clothing,
M.
Starring:
-Eric Bana
-Rachel McAdams
Directed by: Robert Schwentke
Screenplay Credits: Bruce Joel Rubin
MPAA Rating: PG-13 - because Eric Bana cannot keep his clothes on
Some movies just need to have happy endings. I feel like this was one of those movies. Sadly, the screenwriter, director, and producer (and, coincidentally, the woman who wrote the novel originally) disagreed with me.
This movie was a head trip from the very beginning. You cannot afford to make a run for the potty without pausing because it's almost a guarantee that you will miss something vital to understanding what the heck is going on. My movie watching buddy and I compared it to THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT in that a single viewing is not going to answer all your questions, or leave you satisifed.
The prolbem with both of these movies is that neither one was compelling enough for me to ever desire a second viewing.
The movie is about a man named Henry who, for whatever reason, time travels. We has no control over when or where he goes, and the real kicker is, he always goes naked. So he's pretty much a criminal in all the other times because he has to break into people's homes and steal clothes.
The real victim here is his poor wife, Rachel McAdams, who loves him so much she wouldn't dream of leaving him, even though he time travels away from her- sometimes for weeks at a time. So even though the main character is Henry, the story is all about how his traveling influenced and affected his wife. I guess that's the point of the story really, given the title.
Henry and his long-suffering wife eventually have a kid (one who does not time travel out of the womb...yeah, you heard me) whom they name Alba. Like Jessica Alba, who I used to get confused with Rachel AcAdams. Anyway, the kid has the time traveling gene, but it's mutated a little. This means that she can occasionally control when, and where she goes, and how long she is gone. What she fails to report is what everybody wants to know: CAN YOU KEEP YOUR CLOTHES?!?!?!
Maybe I'm biased, but I think it would be infinitely worse to be a woman turning up naked somewhere than a man.
There were good performances by the adorable McAdams and (beautiful, simply beautiful) Bana, but as a whole, I wouldn't recommend THE TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE to anybody, unless they were interested in the phenomenon of time travel, or they just wanted to stare at Bana's butt.
You know what? On second thought, everybody go look at Eric Bana's butt!
FINAL GRADE: C+
Off in search of clothing,
M.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Day Sixty-Seven: The Witches of Eastwick
THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK
Starring:
-Jack Nicholson
-Cher
-Susan Sarandon
-Michelle Pfeiffer
Directed by: George Miller
Screenplay Credits: Michael Cristofer
MPAA Rating: R
Alex (Cher), Sukie (Pfieffer), and Jane (Sarandon) are BFFs in the tiny town of Eastwick. Alex’s husband is dead and she has one daughter, whom we rarely (if ever) see. Alex is an artist who makes strange looking pottery women. Sukie has like six kids. This is the reason her husband left her. She works as a columnist for the local newspaper. Jane gives music lessons, plays with a small symphony, and is a total nerd. We learn that her husband left her for several reasons, one of which is that they had no children.
Jane’s divorce has been finalized and the three friends gather to drink and chat about their lives. The women briefly discuss the fact that strange things happen to them when they are all together and thinking similar thoughts. One woman suspects that they somehow caused a huge thunderstorm to appear so they could leave a boring speech. Eventually, the women begin to dream up the perfect man, agreeing that he should be a stranger who, while not necessarily handsome, is incredibly charismatic.
Soon after, one such stranger (Nicholson) moves to town. I don’t want to alarm anybody, but he’s the Devil and he’s looking for some women to iron his shirts and have his babies. He knows he’s found them in Jane, Sukie, and Alex.
The gals start spending a lot of time with Daryl van Horne in his enormous mansion. Daryl subtly helps them fine-tune their powers. Small town politics threaten their idyllic new family life as the women are called out for tramping around in the mansion. Daryl casts a spell on local busybody Felicia, causing her to spit up cherry pits until she becomes totally possessed. Felicia’s husband freaks out and beats her to death with a poker.
When the women learn that their romantic entanglements with Daryl have a very serious dark side, they all agree to cut him off immediately. Daryl is furious and takes it out on each of them by plaguing them with their worst fears. The women give in to Daryl to make him reverse his spells on them. He does and they all spend the night together.
The next day they create a voodoo doll in Daryl’s image and torture him as he runs errands in town with his butler. He returns to the mansion to stop them, but Jane drops the doll and it breaks into three pieces. The doll bursts into flames and so does Daryl.
We fast-forward eighteen months later to find three babies (one with blond hair, another with red, and yet another darker-skinned “gypsies, tramps, and thieves” style baby we can only assume came from Cher) toddling around together. The three women and their combined brood of children has moved into Daryl’s mansion and are living happily ever after.
There is entirely too much vomiting in this movie. This is probably an exaggeration, but it feels like one you get about twenty minutes into the film, everybody starts gagging and vomiting ALL THE TIME. You can come at me with your intestines hanging out of your body and I’ll be okay; but throw up in front of me, and I’m a goner. I’m a sympathy vomiter. If I see you puke, my first response is to join right in and I absolutely hate it.
If the worst thing in this film is the vomiting, then surely the best thing is Nicholson’s performance. It’s always bizarre, occasionally hilarious, and consistently interesting. He’s so charming that you want to be his buddy, too. Then again he’s got an unnerving sadistic streak that makes you shudder.
At the end of the day, I think I prefer the movie to the novel, even though this has never been my favorite supernatural story.
FINAL GRADE: B
Off in search of Daryl,
M.
Starring:
-Jack Nicholson
-Cher
-Susan Sarandon
-Michelle Pfeiffer
Directed by: George Miller
Screenplay Credits: Michael Cristofer
MPAA Rating: R
Alex (Cher), Sukie (Pfieffer), and Jane (Sarandon) are BFFs in the tiny town of Eastwick. Alex’s husband is dead and she has one daughter, whom we rarely (if ever) see. Alex is an artist who makes strange looking pottery women. Sukie has like six kids. This is the reason her husband left her. She works as a columnist for the local newspaper. Jane gives music lessons, plays with a small symphony, and is a total nerd. We learn that her husband left her for several reasons, one of which is that they had no children.
Jane’s divorce has been finalized and the three friends gather to drink and chat about their lives. The women briefly discuss the fact that strange things happen to them when they are all together and thinking similar thoughts. One woman suspects that they somehow caused a huge thunderstorm to appear so they could leave a boring speech. Eventually, the women begin to dream up the perfect man, agreeing that he should be a stranger who, while not necessarily handsome, is incredibly charismatic.
Soon after, one such stranger (Nicholson) moves to town. I don’t want to alarm anybody, but he’s the Devil and he’s looking for some women to iron his shirts and have his babies. He knows he’s found them in Jane, Sukie, and Alex.
The gals start spending a lot of time with Daryl van Horne in his enormous mansion. Daryl subtly helps them fine-tune their powers. Small town politics threaten their idyllic new family life as the women are called out for tramping around in the mansion. Daryl casts a spell on local busybody Felicia, causing her to spit up cherry pits until she becomes totally possessed. Felicia’s husband freaks out and beats her to death with a poker.
When the women learn that their romantic entanglements with Daryl have a very serious dark side, they all agree to cut him off immediately. Daryl is furious and takes it out on each of them by plaguing them with their worst fears. The women give in to Daryl to make him reverse his spells on them. He does and they all spend the night together.
The next day they create a voodoo doll in Daryl’s image and torture him as he runs errands in town with his butler. He returns to the mansion to stop them, but Jane drops the doll and it breaks into three pieces. The doll bursts into flames and so does Daryl.
We fast-forward eighteen months later to find three babies (one with blond hair, another with red, and yet another darker-skinned “gypsies, tramps, and thieves” style baby we can only assume came from Cher) toddling around together. The three women and their combined brood of children has moved into Daryl’s mansion and are living happily ever after.
There is entirely too much vomiting in this movie. This is probably an exaggeration, but it feels like one you get about twenty minutes into the film, everybody starts gagging and vomiting ALL THE TIME. You can come at me with your intestines hanging out of your body and I’ll be okay; but throw up in front of me, and I’m a goner. I’m a sympathy vomiter. If I see you puke, my first response is to join right in and I absolutely hate it.
If the worst thing in this film is the vomiting, then surely the best thing is Nicholson’s performance. It’s always bizarre, occasionally hilarious, and consistently interesting. He’s so charming that you want to be his buddy, too. Then again he’s got an unnerving sadistic streak that makes you shudder.
At the end of the day, I think I prefer the movie to the novel, even though this has never been my favorite supernatural story.
FINAL GRADE: B
Off in search of Daryl,
M.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Day Sixty-Six: Snow White
SNOW WHITE
As most of you already know, the Wicked Queen is Snow White’s stepmother. She’s obsessed with her appearance, and her Magic Mirror constantly reminds her that she’s the fairest of them all. The Queen and her mirror were terrifying to me when I was a kid. She turns into a crone and she’s got that creepy black bird, remember? Ooooh. Gives me shudders just thinking about it.
Anyway, one day the mirror tells her that Snow White is the fairest. She’s not having any of that, so she sends her Huntsman to kill Snow White and demands that he bring her heart in a box as proof of her death. The Huntsman can’t bring himself to kill Snow, so he tells her to run deep into the forest and hide from the Queen. Snow does, and the woodland creatures lead her to a small cottage. Snow busts in to make herself at home. She rightly assumes that people already live there, even though the place is a hovel. She gets to work moving everything around.
No, Snow White, you’ve got this all wrong. Seven tiny men might let you stay because you’re hot and you don’t mind cleaning, but they don’t want you rifling through their stuff. I can guarantee that. And I get that the woodland creatures are supposed to be helping her clean, but if you really look at them all they’re doing is rubbing their furry little bottoms all over everything. Watch the scene if you don’t believe me.
I love just about any scene with the dwarfs in it. I especially love the first song they have when they’re working with all the sparkling gems in the mine. They’re just so cute marching single file, singing “Heigh-Ho” with their little pickaxes! I remember that Doc was my favorite when I was a kid, but these days I’m kind of partial to Bashful. Dopey’s a fan favorite, of course, with his galloping dances and skipping around.
One thing I’ve always wanted to know…are the dwarfs brothers? Cousins? They must be related. Either that or all dwarfs look alike, which seems very racist. Dwarfist?
At any rate, when Snow White first sees them, she exclaims, “Why…why you’re little men!”
Way to rub it in, Snow.
Grumpy soon reveals himself to be ornery, suspicious, and resistant to all feelings of charity and goodwill. In other words, he’s a liberal. But seriously, folks, he has to be coerced into washing up for supper, a sure sign that he’s going to be trouble. Meanwhile, Dopey pounces after the soap like a little kitty. Eventually he swallows it and starts hiccupping bubbles.
Meanwhile, the Queen learns from that tattletale mirror of hers that Snow White is still alive and she’s shaking up with all those kinky dwarfs. They spend their nights dancing and yodeling by the fire; it’s positively salacious. The Queen drinks a potion to disguise herself (what happened to wigs?) and concocts the infamous poisoned apple to make Snow White fall into the sleeping death. The logic here seems off; one would think she’d want to make Snow ugly, not doze off. If she’s sleeping, she’s still going to lie there beautiful. She might require occasional dusting, but she won’t be any less attractive.
Back in the cottage, Snow White tells all the dwarfs about her charming Prince. Naturally, she does it in song. Cue “Someday my prince will come.”
It is here I must pause, take a page from Grumpy’s book, and snort with derision. I am one of Disney’s many victims. Thanks to these cuddly, sentimental movies, I have unrealistic expectations about love.
Before bed, Snow White kneels to offer up the Lord’s Prayer: “Bless the seven little men who have been so kind to me…and may my dreams come true.”
The Queen/Crone reads the antidote for reviving a victim of sleeping death. According to her potion book, it is love’s first kiss. Sappy. Anyway, the Queen cackles like mad, because she knows the dwarfs will think Snow White is dead and “BURY HER ALIVE! BURY! HER! ALIVE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHAH!”
Seriously, even the crow is scared of her.
The dwarfs head off to work. Snow White kisses each one of them on their bald little heads and sends them off to the mine. Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it’s off to work they go.
The Queen manages to get Snow to take a bite of the poison apple. The critters run off the warn the dwarfs that something is afoot, but by the time they make it to the cottage, Snow is collapsed on the floor and the Queen has stolen away in a storm. The dwarfs chase her up a mountain. She reaches the end of the cliff and tumbles off. Several rocks follow her down, crushing her, and the grossest animation of the film shows the cartoon vultures starting to circle her carcass. Ew.
Text on the screen informs is that the dwarfs thought Snow was so beautiful they couldn’t stand to bury her, so they made a coffin of class and gold. She’s all stretched out there and creepy looking and the dwarfs are bringing her flowers when the Prince rides up singing their song. The Prince kisses her, but this is Disney, so there’s no tongue involved. Snow’s eyes start to flutter and she wakes! Hoorah!
The Prince loads her up on his horse and rides her off to his castle. She finds time to kiss all the little men goodbye, and I like to think that they emptied the mine and relocated somewhere nearby Snow and the Prince.
Leave me my dreams.
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of “…and they lived happily ever after”,
M.
As most of you already know, the Wicked Queen is Snow White’s stepmother. She’s obsessed with her appearance, and her Magic Mirror constantly reminds her that she’s the fairest of them all. The Queen and her mirror were terrifying to me when I was a kid. She turns into a crone and she’s got that creepy black bird, remember? Ooooh. Gives me shudders just thinking about it.
Anyway, one day the mirror tells her that Snow White is the fairest. She’s not having any of that, so she sends her Huntsman to kill Snow White and demands that he bring her heart in a box as proof of her death. The Huntsman can’t bring himself to kill Snow, so he tells her to run deep into the forest and hide from the Queen. Snow does, and the woodland creatures lead her to a small cottage. Snow busts in to make herself at home. She rightly assumes that people already live there, even though the place is a hovel. She gets to work moving everything around.
No, Snow White, you’ve got this all wrong. Seven tiny men might let you stay because you’re hot and you don’t mind cleaning, but they don’t want you rifling through their stuff. I can guarantee that. And I get that the woodland creatures are supposed to be helping her clean, but if you really look at them all they’re doing is rubbing their furry little bottoms all over everything. Watch the scene if you don’t believe me.
I love just about any scene with the dwarfs in it. I especially love the first song they have when they’re working with all the sparkling gems in the mine. They’re just so cute marching single file, singing “Heigh-Ho” with their little pickaxes! I remember that Doc was my favorite when I was a kid, but these days I’m kind of partial to Bashful. Dopey’s a fan favorite, of course, with his galloping dances and skipping around.
One thing I’ve always wanted to know…are the dwarfs brothers? Cousins? They must be related. Either that or all dwarfs look alike, which seems very racist. Dwarfist?
At any rate, when Snow White first sees them, she exclaims, “Why…why you’re little men!”
Way to rub it in, Snow.
Grumpy soon reveals himself to be ornery, suspicious, and resistant to all feelings of charity and goodwill. In other words, he’s a liberal. But seriously, folks, he has to be coerced into washing up for supper, a sure sign that he’s going to be trouble. Meanwhile, Dopey pounces after the soap like a little kitty. Eventually he swallows it and starts hiccupping bubbles.
Meanwhile, the Queen learns from that tattletale mirror of hers that Snow White is still alive and she’s shaking up with all those kinky dwarfs. They spend their nights dancing and yodeling by the fire; it’s positively salacious. The Queen drinks a potion to disguise herself (what happened to wigs?) and concocts the infamous poisoned apple to make Snow White fall into the sleeping death. The logic here seems off; one would think she’d want to make Snow ugly, not doze off. If she’s sleeping, she’s still going to lie there beautiful. She might require occasional dusting, but she won’t be any less attractive.
Back in the cottage, Snow White tells all the dwarfs about her charming Prince. Naturally, she does it in song. Cue “Someday my prince will come.”
It is here I must pause, take a page from Grumpy’s book, and snort with derision. I am one of Disney’s many victims. Thanks to these cuddly, sentimental movies, I have unrealistic expectations about love.
Before bed, Snow White kneels to offer up the Lord’s Prayer: “Bless the seven little men who have been so kind to me…and may my dreams come true.”
The Queen/Crone reads the antidote for reviving a victim of sleeping death. According to her potion book, it is love’s first kiss. Sappy. Anyway, the Queen cackles like mad, because she knows the dwarfs will think Snow White is dead and “BURY HER ALIVE! BURY! HER! ALIVE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHAH!”
Seriously, even the crow is scared of her.
The dwarfs head off to work. Snow White kisses each one of them on their bald little heads and sends them off to the mine. Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it’s off to work they go.
The Queen manages to get Snow to take a bite of the poison apple. The critters run off the warn the dwarfs that something is afoot, but by the time they make it to the cottage, Snow is collapsed on the floor and the Queen has stolen away in a storm. The dwarfs chase her up a mountain. She reaches the end of the cliff and tumbles off. Several rocks follow her down, crushing her, and the grossest animation of the film shows the cartoon vultures starting to circle her carcass. Ew.
Text on the screen informs is that the dwarfs thought Snow was so beautiful they couldn’t stand to bury her, so they made a coffin of class and gold. She’s all stretched out there and creepy looking and the dwarfs are bringing her flowers when the Prince rides up singing their song. The Prince kisses her, but this is Disney, so there’s no tongue involved. Snow’s eyes start to flutter and she wakes! Hoorah!
The Prince loads her up on his horse and rides her off to his castle. She finds time to kiss all the little men goodbye, and I like to think that they emptied the mine and relocated somewhere nearby Snow and the Prince.
Leave me my dreams.
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of “…and they lived happily ever after”,
M.
Day Sixty-Five: Black Dog
BLACK DOG
Starring:
-Patrick Swayze
-Randy Travis
-Meat Loaf
-Stephen “Oh Gah, Don’t You Love A Good Monkey” Toblowsky
Directed by: Kevin Hooks
Screenplay Credits: William Mickelberry & Dan Vining
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Car chase! Explosions! Agrument between FBI and ATF agents!
And so begins another exciting trucker movie.
Patrick is working as a mechanic. We learn that he was arrested for something and lost his CDL, but he was one of those legendary Bandit-style truckers. His boss pulls him aside and lays down the law: complete this off the books run for me (even though you are not longer licensed to drive a big truck) or I’ll fire you.
Patrick’s wife is the lady who killed herself on Wisteria Lane. She’s a pretty lady, but she doesn’t look right next to Patrick. She’s very pale, and she’s almost too tall for him. Also on her list of faults is the bank foreclosure letter she’s keeping hidden away from in the kitchen. This is the deciding factor for Patrick, who agrees to make the 15-hour Atlanta run.
Patrick dreams he’s cruising along in his rig, half-asleep, and he hits a creepy looking black dog.
This does not deter him from reporting to Meat Loaf in Atlanta. He meets Earl (Randy Travis), another driver. Meat Loaf likes coupons, and the Bible. Patrick hops into his BEAUTIFUL old Peterbilt along with Earl, who’ll bring the rig back from New Jersey. Wes and Sonny will be riding behind them running blocker for “protection.”
At this point, you’ll find yourself thinking, “Well, this is all well and good, but when is Randy Travis going to SING?!?”
The answer is: SOON. But be prepared, it won’t be pretty.
Also somebody who is NOT Eddie Rabbit sings “Driving My Life Away.”
Anyway, a car with only one headlight drives up and starts blasting away at them. They realize that the bad guys are working for Meat Loaf, who is trying to hijack the load. Thanks to some fancy driving, Patrick gets away.
Patrick asks what exactly he’s carrying, so they all pile into the back to see crates full of AK-47s. The bad guys go after Patrick’s wife and kid, Meat Loaf’s still chasing them, you know the story. Randy Travis tells the cryptic story of The Black Dog. It comes when you get greedy; it comes to take everything away from you…spoooooky.
I wish they’d done a little more with the black dog legend, because that part is actually a whole lot more interesting than the other plot they’ve come up with.
Patrick bargains with the bad guys to get his wife and daughter. The FBI rolls in just in time and a dramatic shootout occurs. Patrick gets a bloody lip but his wife kisses him anyway because hey, he’s Patrick Swayze.
The FBI was so thankful that they give Patrick his license back, and they save their house. Ain’t life grand?
This is a pretty stupid movie. It’s certainly not Patrick’s best work, but he makes up for it by breathily repeating a name that may or may not be mine again, and again, and again…
Just prepare to hear Swayze say the phrase, “I’m gonna get us out of this” about every twenty minutes. And, just in case you’re wondering, Randy does get to sing over the closing credits. Perhaps this is our reward for sitting through the whole movie…well, this and watching Meat Loaf meet Jesus in a fiery train explosion.
FINAL GRADE: C
Off in search of the dog,
M.
Starring:
-Patrick Swayze
-Randy Travis
-Meat Loaf
-Stephen “Oh Gah, Don’t You Love A Good Monkey” Toblowsky
Directed by: Kevin Hooks
Screenplay Credits: William Mickelberry & Dan Vining
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Car chase! Explosions! Agrument between FBI and ATF agents!
And so begins another exciting trucker movie.
Patrick is working as a mechanic. We learn that he was arrested for something and lost his CDL, but he was one of those legendary Bandit-style truckers. His boss pulls him aside and lays down the law: complete this off the books run for me (even though you are not longer licensed to drive a big truck) or I’ll fire you.
Patrick’s wife is the lady who killed herself on Wisteria Lane. She’s a pretty lady, but she doesn’t look right next to Patrick. She’s very pale, and she’s almost too tall for him. Also on her list of faults is the bank foreclosure letter she’s keeping hidden away from in the kitchen. This is the deciding factor for Patrick, who agrees to make the 15-hour Atlanta run.
Patrick dreams he’s cruising along in his rig, half-asleep, and he hits a creepy looking black dog.
This does not deter him from reporting to Meat Loaf in Atlanta. He meets Earl (Randy Travis), another driver. Meat Loaf likes coupons, and the Bible. Patrick hops into his BEAUTIFUL old Peterbilt along with Earl, who’ll bring the rig back from New Jersey. Wes and Sonny will be riding behind them running blocker for “protection.”
At this point, you’ll find yourself thinking, “Well, this is all well and good, but when is Randy Travis going to SING?!?”
The answer is: SOON. But be prepared, it won’t be pretty.
Also somebody who is NOT Eddie Rabbit sings “Driving My Life Away.”
Anyway, a car with only one headlight drives up and starts blasting away at them. They realize that the bad guys are working for Meat Loaf, who is trying to hijack the load. Thanks to some fancy driving, Patrick gets away.
Patrick asks what exactly he’s carrying, so they all pile into the back to see crates full of AK-47s. The bad guys go after Patrick’s wife and kid, Meat Loaf’s still chasing them, you know the story. Randy Travis tells the cryptic story of The Black Dog. It comes when you get greedy; it comes to take everything away from you…spoooooky.
I wish they’d done a little more with the black dog legend, because that part is actually a whole lot more interesting than the other plot they’ve come up with.
Patrick bargains with the bad guys to get his wife and daughter. The FBI rolls in just in time and a dramatic shootout occurs. Patrick gets a bloody lip but his wife kisses him anyway because hey, he’s Patrick Swayze.
The FBI was so thankful that they give Patrick his license back, and they save their house. Ain’t life grand?
This is a pretty stupid movie. It’s certainly not Patrick’s best work, but he makes up for it by breathily repeating a name that may or may not be mine again, and again, and again…
Just prepare to hear Swayze say the phrase, “I’m gonna get us out of this” about every twenty minutes. And, just in case you’re wondering, Randy does get to sing over the closing credits. Perhaps this is our reward for sitting through the whole movie…well, this and watching Meat Loaf meet Jesus in a fiery train explosion.
FINAL GRADE: C
Off in search of the dog,
M.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Day Sixty-Four: Hannibal
HANNIBAL
Starring:
-Anthony Hopkins
-Julianne Moore
-Ray Liotta
-Gary Oldham (Sirius Black, although he’s totally unrecognizable)
Directed by: Ridley Scott
Screenplay Credits: David Mamet & Steve Zaillian
MPAA Rating: R
I had bad dreams last night about Ray Liotta and brains. Any guesses as to what movie I watched before tucking myself in?
Yup, HANNIBAL.
I had seen a teenie it of the baseball cap/brain part on television many, many years ago. I stared in horror with my mouth hanging open, then immediately shut the television off, left my bedroom, and tried to decide whether or not I wanted to puke.
Watching the movie in its entirety, even all these years later, had precisely the same effect on me.
Ray Liotta eating his own brain. SERIOUSLY?!?! Who comes up with this crap?
I guess the writers have to throw in stuff like that to keep you from liking Hannibal so much. Because really, he’s a likeable guy.
I never really liked Jodie Foster all that well (in any movie); but if anything can make me miss Jodie, it’s Julianne Moore. Something about her just annoys the ever-loving stew out of me. Rarely have I seen a Julianne Moore movie that didn’t make me want to slap her around a little.
I can’t explain it, I simply have taken a wild dislike to her. It’s funny too, she tried to make her voice sound huskier in this film.
Gosh, I hate it when movies switch actors on you. I know they asked Jodie to reprise her role and, like a simpleton, she refused. But the film would have been so much better had she returned. It’s like Samantha Stevens on BEWITCHED. She goes to sleep with a York and wakes up with a Sergeant and the world’s not supposed to notice?
Believe me… we notice. And we hate it! That is, everybody but Julianne Moore’s (and, coincidentally, Dick Sergeant’s) mom hates it.
Nevertheless, Sir Anthony carried the film, no matter what the fiendishly sadistic writers threw his way (dogs eating faces? Wild pigs attacking people? WTF, writers?)
I think I enjoyed the first film a bit more, but I also liked that this film focused more on Hannibal than another serial killer dude - except for the shoutout to Osama bin Laden.
FINAL GRADE: B-
Off in search of Dr. Lector,
M.
Starring:
-Anthony Hopkins
-Julianne Moore
-Ray Liotta
-Gary Oldham (Sirius Black, although he’s totally unrecognizable)
Directed by: Ridley Scott
Screenplay Credits: David Mamet & Steve Zaillian
MPAA Rating: R
I had bad dreams last night about Ray Liotta and brains. Any guesses as to what movie I watched before tucking myself in?
Yup, HANNIBAL.
I had seen a teenie it of the baseball cap/brain part on television many, many years ago. I stared in horror with my mouth hanging open, then immediately shut the television off, left my bedroom, and tried to decide whether or not I wanted to puke.
Watching the movie in its entirety, even all these years later, had precisely the same effect on me.
Ray Liotta eating his own brain. SERIOUSLY?!?! Who comes up with this crap?
I guess the writers have to throw in stuff like that to keep you from liking Hannibal so much. Because really, he’s a likeable guy.
I never really liked Jodie Foster all that well (in any movie); but if anything can make me miss Jodie, it’s Julianne Moore. Something about her just annoys the ever-loving stew out of me. Rarely have I seen a Julianne Moore movie that didn’t make me want to slap her around a little.
I can’t explain it, I simply have taken a wild dislike to her. It’s funny too, she tried to make her voice sound huskier in this film.
Gosh, I hate it when movies switch actors on you. I know they asked Jodie to reprise her role and, like a simpleton, she refused. But the film would have been so much better had she returned. It’s like Samantha Stevens on BEWITCHED. She goes to sleep with a York and wakes up with a Sergeant and the world’s not supposed to notice?
Believe me… we notice. And we hate it! That is, everybody but Julianne Moore’s (and, coincidentally, Dick Sergeant’s) mom hates it.
Nevertheless, Sir Anthony carried the film, no matter what the fiendishly sadistic writers threw his way (dogs eating faces? Wild pigs attacking people? WTF, writers?)
I think I enjoyed the first film a bit more, but I also liked that this film focused more on Hannibal than another serial killer dude - except for the shoutout to Osama bin Laden.
FINAL GRADE: B-
Off in search of Dr. Lector,
M.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Day Sixty-Three: Silence of the Lambs
SILENCE OF THE LAMBS
Starring:
-Anthony Hopkins
-Jodie Foster
-Ted Levine
Directed by: Jonathan Demme
Screenplay Credits: Ted Tally
MPAA Rating: R
“It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.”
If that doesn’t make your skin crawl, you must be weirdly inhuman.
This was my first time watching SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. I’m not sure how I avoided it all these years; it just never came up. I haven’t been hiding from it, though, and finding it in the five dollar bin at Wal-Mart couple with the sequel, HANNIBAL, reinforced my belief that 2010 is the year of trying new things.
I cuddled up in my bed with a bottle of water and a bowl of celery sticks (don’t judge me, they make a very satisfying crunch) and tried to prepare myself for whatever freaky crap this movie was going to throw at me.
It really wasn’t that bad. Hannibal the Cannibal is a brilliant but deadly doctor who has been locked away for several years. FBI trainee Claries Starling interests him, and he agrees to talk with her about the world’s latest serial madman “Buffalo Bill.” Starling has reason to believe that Lector knows the bad guy’s true identity. Claries figures it out and shoots him to death. Hannibal eats some people and breaks free.
The story you know; that’s not what I’m interesting in reporting. What interesting me is the little tidbit that BLEW MY MIND about this movie.
I don’t normally pay close attention to actor names in the beginning credits. I’d rather be thinking “Hey, it’s Agent Starling!” instead of “Hey, Jodie Foster has such a mannish voice!” So I ignored the name “Ted Levine” but believe you me, I know who that is.
It took me an embarrassingly long time to put it together though. Every time Buffalo Bill came on the screen, I actually averted my eyes. That is how creepy looking I found him. It wasn’t until the movie was approaching its final climactic scenes that I realized, “This guy sounds just like Captain Leland Stottlemeyer on MONK.”
And then I gasped the world’s hardest gasp and shook my head in disbelief for the duration of the film. It’s him! It really is him!
Now I’m almost desperate to watch an episode of MONK so I care stare at him (his creepy face and pasty serial killer body obscured by a tasteful suit and bushy mustache) and murmur “goodbye hoooooorseeeeeees” quietly to myself until my mother shuts off the television and tells me I’m adopted.
The movie? Not as freaky (or as good) as I thought it would be. Hannibal Lecotr is DEFINITELY a compelling character though. Sir Anthony gives a perfect, bone-chilling portrayal. I like Hannibal so well that I actually wanted him to go free, despite the fact that the mere thought of cannibalism makes me want to heave and gag my guts up. This is excellent writing, and superb delivery. I feel confident enough in my belief to say that Hannibal the Cannibal is one of the most interesting characters the screen may ever know.
And he has excellent taste in wine.
FINAL GRADE: B
Off in search of Miss Mofet,
M.
Starring:
-Anthony Hopkins
-Jodie Foster
-Ted Levine
Directed by: Jonathan Demme
Screenplay Credits: Ted Tally
MPAA Rating: R
“It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.”
If that doesn’t make your skin crawl, you must be weirdly inhuman.
This was my first time watching SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. I’m not sure how I avoided it all these years; it just never came up. I haven’t been hiding from it, though, and finding it in the five dollar bin at Wal-Mart couple with the sequel, HANNIBAL, reinforced my belief that 2010 is the year of trying new things.
I cuddled up in my bed with a bottle of water and a bowl of celery sticks (don’t judge me, they make a very satisfying crunch) and tried to prepare myself for whatever freaky crap this movie was going to throw at me.
It really wasn’t that bad. Hannibal the Cannibal is a brilliant but deadly doctor who has been locked away for several years. FBI trainee Claries Starling interests him, and he agrees to talk with her about the world’s latest serial madman “Buffalo Bill.” Starling has reason to believe that Lector knows the bad guy’s true identity. Claries figures it out and shoots him to death. Hannibal eats some people and breaks free.
The story you know; that’s not what I’m interesting in reporting. What interesting me is the little tidbit that BLEW MY MIND about this movie.
I don’t normally pay close attention to actor names in the beginning credits. I’d rather be thinking “Hey, it’s Agent Starling!” instead of “Hey, Jodie Foster has such a mannish voice!” So I ignored the name “Ted Levine” but believe you me, I know who that is.
It took me an embarrassingly long time to put it together though. Every time Buffalo Bill came on the screen, I actually averted my eyes. That is how creepy looking I found him. It wasn’t until the movie was approaching its final climactic scenes that I realized, “This guy sounds just like Captain Leland Stottlemeyer on MONK.”
And then I gasped the world’s hardest gasp and shook my head in disbelief for the duration of the film. It’s him! It really is him!
Now I’m almost desperate to watch an episode of MONK so I care stare at him (his creepy face and pasty serial killer body obscured by a tasteful suit and bushy mustache) and murmur “goodbye hoooooorseeeeeees” quietly to myself until my mother shuts off the television and tells me I’m adopted.
The movie? Not as freaky (or as good) as I thought it would be. Hannibal Lecotr is DEFINITELY a compelling character though. Sir Anthony gives a perfect, bone-chilling portrayal. I like Hannibal so well that I actually wanted him to go free, despite the fact that the mere thought of cannibalism makes me want to heave and gag my guts up. This is excellent writing, and superb delivery. I feel confident enough in my belief to say that Hannibal the Cannibal is one of the most interesting characters the screen may ever know.
And he has excellent taste in wine.
FINAL GRADE: B
Off in search of Miss Mofet,
M.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Day Sixty-One: Click
CLICK
Starring:
-Adam Sandler
-Kate Beckinsale
-Christopher Walken
Directed by: Frank Coraci
Screenplay Credits: Steve Koren & Mark O’Keefe
MPAA Rating: PG-13
The premise is a simple one. What if you had a universal remote that controlled your universe? It’s an idea I’ve certainly considered, even long before this movie was released. I’m sure you’ve had similar thoughts, especially when doing something hard or boring, like a math test or something similarly horrible. Add to that all the good things that could happen, like pausing something you liked the looks of, or muting the dog’s obnoxious barking.
Michael Newman enjoys both the blessings and the curses of the universal remote that he receives from Bed, Bath, & Beyond employee (and angel of death) Morty (Walken). When the remote starts controlling his entire life, Michael practically fast forwards to his death and winds up missing his entire life. His children grow up, his father passes, his wife marries someone else, and he even loses his beloved duck-humping golden retriever Sundance.
Eventually Michael experiences his own death and makes the amazing revelation that “family comes first.” Morty cuts him some slack and lets him get back to where he started. Only this time, Michael is kinda like an Aerosmith song. He doesn’t want to miss a thing.
While this starts out as a kind of raunchy comedy, it has an amazing message that actually made me tear up. I love the part when he bursts in on his parents in the middle of the night to hug and kiss them. If I could go back to another time and burst in on my parents or grandparents, I would hug and kiss them for hours.
This movie will mean more to you if you understand what it’s like to want to fast forward to the good parts of your life. If I ever have that temptation again, I will remember this movie and I will be smarter.
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of Way, Way Beyond,
M.
Starring:
-Adam Sandler
-Kate Beckinsale
-Christopher Walken
Directed by: Frank Coraci
Screenplay Credits: Steve Koren & Mark O’Keefe
MPAA Rating: PG-13
The premise is a simple one. What if you had a universal remote that controlled your universe? It’s an idea I’ve certainly considered, even long before this movie was released. I’m sure you’ve had similar thoughts, especially when doing something hard or boring, like a math test or something similarly horrible. Add to that all the good things that could happen, like pausing something you liked the looks of, or muting the dog’s obnoxious barking.
Michael Newman enjoys both the blessings and the curses of the universal remote that he receives from Bed, Bath, & Beyond employee (and angel of death) Morty (Walken). When the remote starts controlling his entire life, Michael practically fast forwards to his death and winds up missing his entire life. His children grow up, his father passes, his wife marries someone else, and he even loses his beloved duck-humping golden retriever Sundance.
Eventually Michael experiences his own death and makes the amazing revelation that “family comes first.” Morty cuts him some slack and lets him get back to where he started. Only this time, Michael is kinda like an Aerosmith song. He doesn’t want to miss a thing.
While this starts out as a kind of raunchy comedy, it has an amazing message that actually made me tear up. I love the part when he bursts in on his parents in the middle of the night to hug and kiss them. If I could go back to another time and burst in on my parents or grandparents, I would hug and kiss them for hours.
This movie will mean more to you if you understand what it’s like to want to fast forward to the good parts of your life. If I ever have that temptation again, I will remember this movie and I will be smarter.
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of Way, Way Beyond,
M.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Day Fifty-Nine: French Kiss
FRENCH KISS
Starring:
-Kevin Kline
-Meg Ryan
Directed by: Lawrence Kasdan
Screenplay Credits: Adam Brooks
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Kate (Ryan) has just been overseas dumped by her philandering slimeball fiancé (Timothy Hutton) who’s not ready to commit to her but is more that happy to settle down with a French “god-dess”. Despite her intense phobia of flying, Kate boards a plane to France to find her fiancé and force him to love her again. Beside her on the plane is Kevin Kline, a French con artist who is smuggling a vine (and an expensive diamond necklace) out of Canada in hopes of starting his own vineyard.
Through a series of comical mishaps, both characters are repeatedly thrown together until they realize they’re madly in love. Ah, romance.
I love this movie, mostly because of Kevin Kline. He’s a fascinating guy who always makes really interesting film choices. He’s the perfect charming “good guy” con man and he’s got just the right amount of danger to him with the stealing cars and pocket picking. I love the scene where his character first meets Kate. He realizes that she’s having a freak attack about flying, so he insults her during take off so that she doesn’t even notice until they’re already in the air. Then he gets her a little drunk.
Another element I liked about this film was the good ole standard “cop protects good hearted con man because good hearted con man once saved cop’s life” device. It’s been done to death, but it manages to be fresh and interesting within this world.
This movie also features my favorite version of Meg Ryan. She was still going through her “America’s Sweetheart” phase and she hadn’t yet done that weird plastic surgery thing to her lips that made her look like the Jack Nicholson Joker. She’s so good at playing needy neurotics that it makes you wonder how much of that is drawn from personal experience. Considering past events (Russell Crowe, you cad!), she probably isn’t so needy and neurotic. Just trampy and irresponsible. Which blew the door wide open for Julia Roberts to make her Pretty Woman self right at home.
This is one of the few romantic comedies that isn’t so treacly sweet it makes you want to vomit until you die. So watch it sometime.
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of my philandering fiancé,
M.
Starring:
-Kevin Kline
-Meg Ryan
Directed by: Lawrence Kasdan
Screenplay Credits: Adam Brooks
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Kate (Ryan) has just been overseas dumped by her philandering slimeball fiancé (Timothy Hutton) who’s not ready to commit to her but is more that happy to settle down with a French “god-dess”. Despite her intense phobia of flying, Kate boards a plane to France to find her fiancé and force him to love her again. Beside her on the plane is Kevin Kline, a French con artist who is smuggling a vine (and an expensive diamond necklace) out of Canada in hopes of starting his own vineyard.
Through a series of comical mishaps, both characters are repeatedly thrown together until they realize they’re madly in love. Ah, romance.
I love this movie, mostly because of Kevin Kline. He’s a fascinating guy who always makes really interesting film choices. He’s the perfect charming “good guy” con man and he’s got just the right amount of danger to him with the stealing cars and pocket picking. I love the scene where his character first meets Kate. He realizes that she’s having a freak attack about flying, so he insults her during take off so that she doesn’t even notice until they’re already in the air. Then he gets her a little drunk.
Another element I liked about this film was the good ole standard “cop protects good hearted con man because good hearted con man once saved cop’s life” device. It’s been done to death, but it manages to be fresh and interesting within this world.
This movie also features my favorite version of Meg Ryan. She was still going through her “America’s Sweetheart” phase and she hadn’t yet done that weird plastic surgery thing to her lips that made her look like the Jack Nicholson Joker. She’s so good at playing needy neurotics that it makes you wonder how much of that is drawn from personal experience. Considering past events (Russell Crowe, you cad!), she probably isn’t so needy and neurotic. Just trampy and irresponsible. Which blew the door wide open for Julia Roberts to make her Pretty Woman self right at home.
This is one of the few romantic comedies that isn’t so treacly sweet it makes you want to vomit until you die. So watch it sometime.
FINAL GRADE: A
Off in search of my philandering fiancé,
M.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Day Fifty-Eight: Superman- The Movie
SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE
Starring:
-Marlon Brando
-Gene Hackman
-Christopher Reeve
-Margot Kidder
Directed by: Richard Donner
Screenplay Credits: Mario Puzo, David Newman, Leslie Newman, & Robert Benton
MPAA Rating: PG-13 – for peril, some mild sensuality, and language (trust me, your kids can watch it)
Marlon Brando is one of Planet Krypton’s leading scientists. He also wears far too much eye makeup and is convinced that everyone needs to evacuate the planet. The Council thinks this is hogwash and warns Marlon that they’re gonna shoot him into the phantom zone and he’s all, “I don’t care what you do, just let me and my dog-faced wife and my little pudgy baby leave the planet.”
And the Council’s all like, “No.”
Jerks.
Anyway, Marlon explains to the audience that they’re shipping the kid to Earth so he won’t die when the planet is destroyed. He also clues us in that “because of his dense molecular structure, he will defy their gravity,” and he learn that he’ll be super freaky strong, but he’ll look just like those moron earthlings. All of this is good information.
I forgot to mention that Marlon and all the other Krypton people wear fancy white jumpsuits. They must go through Clorox like nobody’s business.
Back to the story. Baby Brando gets shipped away to Earth in his little pod just as the planet starts falling apart. How’s that for good timing? I don’t know why they didn’t just go with him. That seems like one of those questions that the screenwriters didn’t want us to ask.
So here goes the baby, falling to Earth in his little sky pod. It takes him a couple of years to get here, though, because he’s pretty much a toddler when he lands. A couple of simple country folk are happening by and they spot the little naked fellow. The woman decides that this is God finally givin’ them a little ‘un. We determine that the man has a heart condition, and that the toddler can lift the tail end of the car off the ground all by himself.
The Kents adopt the squirt and he grows up to be a strapping young yuppie that gets picked on by the jocks. He’ll show you, jocks! You just wait till you see his tights!
Clark kicks a football out of the atmosphere and runs faster than a speeding train. The effect here is so bad you might actually groan, so you should probably just close your eyes and imagine young Clark outrunning the train.
Boy that red shirt sure looks good with his jet-black hair and sexy skin tone. What can I say? Doesn’t hurt to look.
Anyway, Clark goes home and his dad shares some meaningful words of wisdom. Then Clark utters those fateful words, “Race ya!”
Needless to say, Clark’s pop keels over dead. Remember that heart device they so subtly told you about in the character introduction? That’s called, foreshadowing.
After the funeral, Clark gets out of bed in the wee hours to look at the green crystal thing his dad sent with him. Then he runs off across the amber waves of grain to stare pensively at the horizon and contemplate things of importance. His mom treks out to talk to him – seriously, it’s like five miles. And he tells her he’s headed north, which would piss me off if I were his mama. I mean here she took him naked off the side of the road and fed him and raised him all these years and the SECOND, I mean the VERY SECOND her husband kicks, ole Clark decides he’s heading out, too.
Now, when Clark said north I was thinking New York. Chicago maybe. But no, he goes to the frozen tundra. He’s hopping around on floating icebergs and stuff and he’s really underdressed for the climate. No mittens or anything.
Anyhow, somehow he knows that he must hurl this green glowing crystal stick thing out into the snow. Maybe there were instructions written on the side in tiny print, I don’t know. At any rate, he pitches it out and all this stuff starts coming up out of the water to make a fancy winter wonderland-ish crystal land. A ball of light appears and we see Marlon Brando again. Well, his head.
We figure out that this is like a time warp voicemail message. Sort of like afterlife skype-ing. Marlon gives Clark “the talk.” They probably talk about the birds and the bees, but the screenwriters didn’t feel it was important to add that scene. This scene is basically a chance for Marlon Brando to get in one last monologue and earn his millions.
All of a sudden, Clark becomes Christopher Reeve, which makes me think of horses, which makes sad for him.
Clark is a nerd who has started work at the Daily Planet. The chief asks terrible speller Lois Lane to show Clark the ropes.
“How do you spell massacre?” – Lois Lane
It’s hard for me to look at Lois, because I find Margot Kidder so dreadful. Why did they have to pick her? I mean, were there no other brunette actresses in Hollywood? Christopher Reeve was attractive enough that they could have gotten a Lois. I mean, if Seth Rogen were playing Superman, you’d want to make Lois a real dog so he would look better by comparison. I digress.
There are a couple of undercover cops sneaking around following a suspicious looking character. This is when we start hearing the name “Lex Luthor” getting bandied around.
Luthor (Hackman) is the “fiendishly gifted” criminal mastermind who’s got a swank underground lair that’s chock full of technology and books. We learn that Lex is preparing to pull off the crime of the century in mere days.
“Why is the most brilliantly diabolical leader of our time surrounding himself with total nincompoops?” Lex
Next we learn that Lois is one of these needy chicks who needs to have her life saved all the time. Lucky for her, Superman has been crushing on her pretty hard.
Watching Superman fly reminds me of how badly I wanted to ride the Superman ride in whatever theme park we were at. But I was too chicken to go by myself. Maybe one day I will get over my fear off falling out of a roller coaster and feel the breeze on my belly Clark Kent style.
Oh, right. The movie. I almost forgot. The following scenes are of Superman thwarting evildoers and saving kitties from tall trees.
Clark chats with his real dad some more. Marlon Brando Head has more advice for the young whippersnapper before fading out. He really needs a snappy fade out catchphrase if he’s gonna keep doing that. You know, like Ryan Seacrest does.
Jor-El, out!
I’m not crazy about Hackman as Luthor. He just isn’t dangerous. He’s too much of a buffoon. Interestingly, he does have most of the good lines.
“Next time, put my robe on after I’m out of the pool.” – Lex
Superman meets Lois on the roof. She’s all slutted up to see him, but he really is the all-American superstud. No drinking, no smoking, etc. Also, he never lies. The playful interview scene between Superman and Lois is really cute and adorably tense. This is probably my favorite scene so far.
As always, I need to take a minute to discuss the overall attractiveness of the male lead. Christopher Reeve is one of those good-looking people who seem to have been carved out of stone. And yet he has a boyish charm that’s almost catches you off guard.
If I were Lois, I would have to suggest that we join the Mile High Club. We wouldn’t need the airplane.
I’m sure it won’t surprise you to know that Lex is planning Superman’s demise with his moronic henchmen.
There’s a car wreck, and Larry Hagman gets to give a buxom beauty a “chest massage” followed by a little “mouth to mouth.”
Larry, you dog.
The is all part of Lex’s plan to contact Superman via dog frequency and get him into a trap. Superman walks right into Lex’s lair. Lex fills him in on the plan to destroy California.
“Otisburg? OTISBURG?!?!?!” – Lex
Lew whoops out the Kryptonite and Superman goes all diabetic coma. The buxom henchwoman decides to release Superman so that he can go save California and Lois Lane. He takes care of California but WHOOPS, Lois dies.
Sorry.
Unfortunately for all the innocent movie-watchers at home, Superman is grief-stricken that his unattractive, terrible actress girlfriend has been crushed in a rockslide, so he screams in fury before zooming backwards around the planet. Obviously, this turns back time and Superman manages to save her.
I always thought that was a kind of stupid device, but what can you do?
Superman is totally charming. He’s the perfect man, but he lets all those mere mortals off the hook since he’s from another planet. Lex Luthor has all of the fun lines in this film, and the opening sequences with Brando and the Council could have been greatly improved, but overall this is the granddaddy of superhero movies. John Williams’ Superman theme sounds just as thrilling today as it did all those years ago. Superman mania has been successful in every conceivable media: comic books, radio, stage, and both big and little screens.
Fun fact that most people my age don’t know, the black and white TV show THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN starred another superhunk, George Reeves. No relation to the Greek God featured in SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE. I just always thought it was neat their names were so similar. Plus he’s on an episode of I LOVE LUCY that is really, really funny.
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of Truth, Justice, and the American Way,
M.
Starring:
-Marlon Brando
-Gene Hackman
-Christopher Reeve
-Margot Kidder
Directed by: Richard Donner
Screenplay Credits: Mario Puzo, David Newman, Leslie Newman, & Robert Benton
MPAA Rating: PG-13 – for peril, some mild sensuality, and language (trust me, your kids can watch it)
Marlon Brando is one of Planet Krypton’s leading scientists. He also wears far too much eye makeup and is convinced that everyone needs to evacuate the planet. The Council thinks this is hogwash and warns Marlon that they’re gonna shoot him into the phantom zone and he’s all, “I don’t care what you do, just let me and my dog-faced wife and my little pudgy baby leave the planet.”
And the Council’s all like, “No.”
Jerks.
Anyway, Marlon explains to the audience that they’re shipping the kid to Earth so he won’t die when the planet is destroyed. He also clues us in that “because of his dense molecular structure, he will defy their gravity,” and he learn that he’ll be super freaky strong, but he’ll look just like those moron earthlings. All of this is good information.
I forgot to mention that Marlon and all the other Krypton people wear fancy white jumpsuits. They must go through Clorox like nobody’s business.
Back to the story. Baby Brando gets shipped away to Earth in his little pod just as the planet starts falling apart. How’s that for good timing? I don’t know why they didn’t just go with him. That seems like one of those questions that the screenwriters didn’t want us to ask.
So here goes the baby, falling to Earth in his little sky pod. It takes him a couple of years to get here, though, because he’s pretty much a toddler when he lands. A couple of simple country folk are happening by and they spot the little naked fellow. The woman decides that this is God finally givin’ them a little ‘un. We determine that the man has a heart condition, and that the toddler can lift the tail end of the car off the ground all by himself.
The Kents adopt the squirt and he grows up to be a strapping young yuppie that gets picked on by the jocks. He’ll show you, jocks! You just wait till you see his tights!
Clark kicks a football out of the atmosphere and runs faster than a speeding train. The effect here is so bad you might actually groan, so you should probably just close your eyes and imagine young Clark outrunning the train.
Boy that red shirt sure looks good with his jet-black hair and sexy skin tone. What can I say? Doesn’t hurt to look.
Anyway, Clark goes home and his dad shares some meaningful words of wisdom. Then Clark utters those fateful words, “Race ya!”
Needless to say, Clark’s pop keels over dead. Remember that heart device they so subtly told you about in the character introduction? That’s called, foreshadowing.
After the funeral, Clark gets out of bed in the wee hours to look at the green crystal thing his dad sent with him. Then he runs off across the amber waves of grain to stare pensively at the horizon and contemplate things of importance. His mom treks out to talk to him – seriously, it’s like five miles. And he tells her he’s headed north, which would piss me off if I were his mama. I mean here she took him naked off the side of the road and fed him and raised him all these years and the SECOND, I mean the VERY SECOND her husband kicks, ole Clark decides he’s heading out, too.
Now, when Clark said north I was thinking New York. Chicago maybe. But no, he goes to the frozen tundra. He’s hopping around on floating icebergs and stuff and he’s really underdressed for the climate. No mittens or anything.
Anyhow, somehow he knows that he must hurl this green glowing crystal stick thing out into the snow. Maybe there were instructions written on the side in tiny print, I don’t know. At any rate, he pitches it out and all this stuff starts coming up out of the water to make a fancy winter wonderland-ish crystal land. A ball of light appears and we see Marlon Brando again. Well, his head.
We figure out that this is like a time warp voicemail message. Sort of like afterlife skype-ing. Marlon gives Clark “the talk.” They probably talk about the birds and the bees, but the screenwriters didn’t feel it was important to add that scene. This scene is basically a chance for Marlon Brando to get in one last monologue and earn his millions.
All of a sudden, Clark becomes Christopher Reeve, which makes me think of horses, which makes sad for him.
Clark is a nerd who has started work at the Daily Planet. The chief asks terrible speller Lois Lane to show Clark the ropes.
“How do you spell massacre?” – Lois Lane
It’s hard for me to look at Lois, because I find Margot Kidder so dreadful. Why did they have to pick her? I mean, were there no other brunette actresses in Hollywood? Christopher Reeve was attractive enough that they could have gotten a Lois. I mean, if Seth Rogen were playing Superman, you’d want to make Lois a real dog so he would look better by comparison. I digress.
There are a couple of undercover cops sneaking around following a suspicious looking character. This is when we start hearing the name “Lex Luthor” getting bandied around.
Luthor (Hackman) is the “fiendishly gifted” criminal mastermind who’s got a swank underground lair that’s chock full of technology and books. We learn that Lex is preparing to pull off the crime of the century in mere days.
“Why is the most brilliantly diabolical leader of our time surrounding himself with total nincompoops?” Lex
Next we learn that Lois is one of these needy chicks who needs to have her life saved all the time. Lucky for her, Superman has been crushing on her pretty hard.
Watching Superman fly reminds me of how badly I wanted to ride the Superman ride in whatever theme park we were at. But I was too chicken to go by myself. Maybe one day I will get over my fear off falling out of a roller coaster and feel the breeze on my belly Clark Kent style.
Oh, right. The movie. I almost forgot. The following scenes are of Superman thwarting evildoers and saving kitties from tall trees.
Clark chats with his real dad some more. Marlon Brando Head has more advice for the young whippersnapper before fading out. He really needs a snappy fade out catchphrase if he’s gonna keep doing that. You know, like Ryan Seacrest does.
Jor-El, out!
I’m not crazy about Hackman as Luthor. He just isn’t dangerous. He’s too much of a buffoon. Interestingly, he does have most of the good lines.
“Next time, put my robe on after I’m out of the pool.” – Lex
Superman meets Lois on the roof. She’s all slutted up to see him, but he really is the all-American superstud. No drinking, no smoking, etc. Also, he never lies. The playful interview scene between Superman and Lois is really cute and adorably tense. This is probably my favorite scene so far.
As always, I need to take a minute to discuss the overall attractiveness of the male lead. Christopher Reeve is one of those good-looking people who seem to have been carved out of stone. And yet he has a boyish charm that’s almost catches you off guard.
If I were Lois, I would have to suggest that we join the Mile High Club. We wouldn’t need the airplane.
I’m sure it won’t surprise you to know that Lex is planning Superman’s demise with his moronic henchmen.
There’s a car wreck, and Larry Hagman gets to give a buxom beauty a “chest massage” followed by a little “mouth to mouth.”
Larry, you dog.
The is all part of Lex’s plan to contact Superman via dog frequency and get him into a trap. Superman walks right into Lex’s lair. Lex fills him in on the plan to destroy California.
“Otisburg? OTISBURG?!?!?!” – Lex
Lew whoops out the Kryptonite and Superman goes all diabetic coma. The buxom henchwoman decides to release Superman so that he can go save California and Lois Lane. He takes care of California but WHOOPS, Lois dies.
Sorry.
Unfortunately for all the innocent movie-watchers at home, Superman is grief-stricken that his unattractive, terrible actress girlfriend has been crushed in a rockslide, so he screams in fury before zooming backwards around the planet. Obviously, this turns back time and Superman manages to save her.
I always thought that was a kind of stupid device, but what can you do?
Superman is totally charming. He’s the perfect man, but he lets all those mere mortals off the hook since he’s from another planet. Lex Luthor has all of the fun lines in this film, and the opening sequences with Brando and the Council could have been greatly improved, but overall this is the granddaddy of superhero movies. John Williams’ Superman theme sounds just as thrilling today as it did all those years ago. Superman mania has been successful in every conceivable media: comic books, radio, stage, and both big and little screens.
Fun fact that most people my age don’t know, the black and white TV show THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN starred another superhunk, George Reeves. No relation to the Greek God featured in SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE. I just always thought it was neat their names were so similar. Plus he’s on an episode of I LOVE LUCY that is really, really funny.
FINAL GRADE: A-
Off in search of Truth, Justice, and the American Way,
M.
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