Day Twenty-Seven: Stomp Out Loud

STOMP OUT LOUD


Created & Directed by: Luke Cresswell & Steve McNicholas

MPAA Rating: Not Rated


If you've seen the stage show STOMP in theaters, then you'll know pretty much what to expect out of this DVD. It is slightly more thrilling to see the percussionists performing right in front of you. Another plus of seeing the show live is feeling your heart threatening to thud out of your chest. So, yes, I'm a STOMP advocate for sure. You can bet the next time their tour swings by my neck of the woods, I'll be there.

Here's the basic gist: STOMP OUT LOUD is 50 minutes of talented percussionists making intricate rhythms out of found objects like brooms, buckets, playing cards, dumpsters, basketballs, kitchen tools and appliances, even an old truck. Intercut are famous scenes from the stage show, including the broom dance (which is one of my favorites) and the epic trash can battle finale. The only thing that's more fun than seeing this show (or this DVD) would be actually performing the numbers on stage. You can tell it's a party and a half.

A word of warning: be prepared to feel drummy after you watch this one. You'll be tempted to grab a pair of drumsticks and walk around looking for stuff to beat on.

FINAL GRADE: A

Off in search of an energetic percussionist,

M.

Day Twenty-Six: Stranger Than Fiction

STRANGER THAN FICTION

Starring:
-Will Ferrel
-Maggie Gyllenhaal
-Dustin Hoffman
-Queen Latifah
-Emma Thompson

Directed by: Marc Forster

Written by: Zach Helm

MPAA Rating: PG-13 - some disturbing images, sexuality, brief language, and nudity


Those of you who tend to avoid the usual frat-boy antics of Will Ferrell spouting bathroom humor in his underpants, rejoice. Here is a Ferrell film you might actually enjoy.

Will stars as Harold Crick, a boring IRS auditor whose life is one big, endless routine. His latest case involves Ana Pascal, a tattooed bake shop owner who refuses to give Caesar what is Caesar's. Ana is an anti-establishment, down with the man, free love and cupcakes kinda gal, and she's determined to make "Tax Man" Harold miserable as he slogs through piles of her paperwork. Harold starts to hear an omniscient voice narrating his life and discovers that he is unable to communicate with it.

While waiting at the bus stop, Harold discovers that his watch has stopped. He asks the time of someone on the street, then resets his watch. The Voice says, "Little did he know that this simple, seemingly innocuous act would result in him imminent death."

Harold freaks and hurries to a psychiatrist, who incorrectly diagnoses him with schizophrenia. Harold asks the woman if she'll take schizophrenia off the table and suggest something else. She proposes that since he has a narrator, he should consult someone who knows about books. This brings Harold to university professor Jules Hilbert (Hoffman), who agrees that he sounds pretty crazy until he learns that the Harold last said "little did he know." According to Hilbert, this is a literary device used to demonstrate that there is something the character does not know. Hilbert encourages Harold to try and find out who the author of his story is, and whether or not he's living in a comedy or a tragedy.

Harold continues to go to the bake shop to sort through Ana's garbled files. Ana has warmed slightly, and brings him a plate of fresh-baked cookies. Harold insists that he cannot accept them, as they could be considered a bribe.

"I'll purchase them!" - Harold

This pisses Ana off and orders him to leave, which leads Harold to conclude that he is definitely living in a tragedy. Harold takes Hilbert's advice and tries to do nothing the next day. The idea of this exercise is to see whether or not a plot will find him, as a story cannot be told with characters who never do anything. Harold lounges on the couch watching television in his sweat pants when suddenly a huge wrecking ball comes crashing into his living room. Hilbert concludes that Harold is powerless in the situation and will certainly die, but he encourages him to make the most of what's left of his life.

Hilbert: Hell Harold, you could just eat nothing but pancakes if you wanted.
Harold: What is wrong with you? Hey, I don't want to eat nothing but pancakes, I want to live! I mean, who in their right mind in a choice between pancakes and living chooses pancakes?
Hilbert: Harold, if you pause to think, you'd realize that that answer is inextricably contingent upon the type of life being led... and, of course, the quality of the pancakes.

Harold grows closer to work buddy Dave, learns to play the guitar, and resolves Ana's tax issues by discovering that she gives away lots of food to those in need.

At last Harold discovers the name of his author, Karen Eiffel, a novelist who is infamous for always killing off the main character in her books. Harold goes through tax records to finds her address and hurries over to convince her that he is real. Karen has finally come up with an ending to her book and gives it to Harold to read, but he is too nervous and passes it to Hilbert instead. Hilbert concludes that this is Eiffel's greatest work, but its genius is largely due to Harold's death. Harold accepts this as his fate and spends one final night with Ana. The next morning....well, just watch it.


I love this movie because it's about realizing your mortality and doing something about it. No, you can't add days or hours, or even minutes to your lifespan, but you do have the ability to squeeze every last drop of life out of each day you have.

This is a brilliant, eloquent film that never ceases to inspire and amaze me. I seem to pick up on something new with each subsequent watching, which is high praise to first time screenwriter Zach Helms. There are lots of great moments in this one, but one of my favorites is when Harold goes to make up with Ana. Does he bring her flowers? Oh, no. He brings her flours. She's a baker, get it? I know. I laughed for a long time, too.


FINAL GRADE: A+

Awesome.

Off in search of a wristwatch,

M.

Day Twenty-Five: Hercules

HERCULES

Starring:
-Tate Donovan
-Danny DeVito
-James Woods
-Susan Egan
-Rip Torn

Directed by: Ron Clements & John Musker

Screenplay Credits: Ron Clements, John Musker, & Barry Johnson

MPAA Rating: G


Zeus is all happy because he’s the proud papa of a bouncing baby boy. All the Gods are assembled on Mount Olympus to welcome Hercules to their fold. The evil Hades arrives to check things out and make snide remarks before returning to Hell to ask the Fates whether or not Hercules will ruin his plan to release the Titans and dethrone Zeus. The Fates tell him that in twenty-odd years the planets will align, giving him the perfect opportunity to take down Zeus. But they warn him that if Hercules fights, Hades will fall.

Hades doesn’t mess around with the fates, so he sends his two comic relief devil henchmen (Pain and Panic) to sneak up to Mount Olympus and steal the child. Since Gods are immortals, Pain and Panic have to force the baby to drink every drop of a special potion to turn him mortal. Hercules starts chugging away and it looks like he’s going to drink it up, but a farmer and his wife come around the corner and spot the baby. This spooks the devils, who flee and let the bottle break. Baby Hercules did not drink the last drop, so he retained his godlike strength.

The farmer and his wife had no children, so they raised Hercules on their own. Fast-forward about fifteen years where Herc is ostracized by his peers because of his inability to control his freakish strength. Herc dreams of becoming a hero and getting a real hero’s welcome to a place where he belongs. He travels to Zeus’ temple, where the giant statue of his true father comes to life and tells him to go find Philoctetes – henceforth known as Phil-, a satyr who trained some of the world’s greatest heroes. Statue Zeus gives Hercules something to help him along his journey, a flying horse called Pegasus.

So Herc and Peg go find Phil, who gripes about having to train all these losers who couldn’t cut it as heroes like Jason and Achilles. But Herc is different, so Phil finally agrees to train him.

In a few years, Hercules is a buff, tough fighting machine and he’s ready to rescue some damsels and open up a can of hurt on mythical beasties. Herc, Phil and Pegasus head to Thebes, where Hercules saves Megara from the river guardian, an enormous centaur called Nessus. Their attraction is instant, but Meg brushes him off and leaves. Meg returns to her master, Hades, and tells him all about “wonderboy.” We learn that Meg sold her soul to Hades to save her former boyfriend’s life, but once she did the dude abandoned her for another woman.

Hades is furious that Hercules still lives, so he sets up a trap for him just outside the city limits. Hercules goes to battle the Hydra, eventually winning and gaining notoriety in Thebes as a hero. Although he’s now a celebrity and the spokesperson for numerous merchandising ventures, Zeus informs him that there is more to being a hero than simply being famous.

Hades sends Meg to learn Hercules’ weakness, but he has none for her to report. The two fall desperately in love, but Phil has discovered Meg’s secret and tries to warn Hercules. Herc and Phil fight before Phil gets upset and leaves. Hades now sees that Meg is Hercules’ one true weakness, so he uses her to trick Hercules into giving up his strength for one day to ensure her safety. Now completely mortal, Hercules can do nothing to stop Hades from releasing the Titans, who quickly take over Mount Olympus. Hades sends a Cyclops to kill Hercules once and for all. Meg escapes and runs to get Phil. She convinces him that Hercules is in trouble and the two run to his aid. At the last minute, Hercules defeats the Cyclops and a giant column falls on Meg, crushing her. Hades’ deal was that if Hercules gave up his powers, Meg wouldn’t get hurt. Since Meg has now been crushed to death, Herc gets his full strength back. He hurries to Mount Olympus to release the gods, crush the titans, and save the day.

Hercules heads to the underworld and offers to give his life in order to save Meg’s. Because of this willingness, he becomes a true hero and is given full-god status. Despite this, he chooses to remain a mortal on earth with Meg. Phil’s dream comes true when Zeus arranges a constellation of Hercules in the night sky and everyone looks up to exclaim, “Hey, look! That’s Phil’s boy!”

So it’s a happy ending all around -except for Satan, which is as it should be.

This movie came out in 1997, and I’ve always liked it. As far as Disney animation goes, this one deserves to be right there in the canon alongside such classics as SLEEPING BEAUTY and CINDERELLA.

Now, Meg is not a Disney princess. She’s actually about as far away from it as she could possibly be, considering she works for the devil, and all. Still, I always liked her better than most of Disney’s leading ladies because she actually has a lot of spunk. She has a great personality and a lot of passion, and she’s not the type to sit around waiting to be saved by some overgrown narcissist with too many muscles.

I’m going to give this one an A-, with the understanding that to me it’s in comparison with other kids movies, not necessarily films for grown people (I caught myself typing ‘adult movies,’ so I giggled, deleted it, and chose a better phrase).

Of in search of a narcissist with too many muscles,

M.

Day Twenty-Four: Mary Poppins

MARY POPPINS

Starring:
-Julie Andrews
-Dick van Dyke

Directed by: Robert Stevenson

Screenplay Credits: Bill Walsh & Don DaGradi

MPAA Rating: G


There’s a strange wind blowing at Number 17, Cherry Tree Lane. Jane and Michael Banks have run off from their latest nanny, and she’s not putting up with that crap anymore. Mrs. Banks returns home from her suffragette meeting to find the nanny leaving and begs her to stay in song. The nanny leaves right as George Banks arrives home from a long, rewarding day at the creepy bank where he works.

George isn’t happy to learn that the new nanny has abandoned them again, so the children toddle in to see him –in their adorable bathrobes- with an advertisement they’ve written to help him find a suitable nanny for them. Rosy cheeks, no warts, play games (all sorts), that kind of thing. George thinks this is absolute drivel and sends the children to bed before ripping up their advertisement and tossing it into the fireplace. As George and his wife continue to discuss the situation, the torn pieces mysteriously float up into the chimney.

The next day there is a long line of severe looking British nannies lined up along the sidewalk outside the Banks home. All are here to interview for the position. Suddenly, a strong wind comes up and blows them all away. Mary Poppins arrives and rings the bell. She’s a force to be reckoned with, and George has no clue how to handle her. She ends up interviewing him, basically, before giving herself the job and every second Tuesday off. Then she slides up the banister to see the children.

Jane and Michael are in awe of Mary, who pulls extraordinary things out of her bottomless carpetbag and can make the nursery clean itself simply by snapping her fingers. Mary sticks them in their cute little coats and hats (Why can’t children still dress like that? Especially American kids; they wear tee shirts that say ‘Pull My Finger.’ Sheesh.) and takes them on a fabulous outing to the park where they bump into Bert, who’s sort of a jack of all trades and Mary’s boyfriend.

Okay, they aren’t officially an item, but you can tell by the way they grin sneakily at each other when the children aren’t looking that they’ve got a history together. I bet they text all the time. Anyway, Bert has been making sidewalk drawings, so Mary takes them all inside one of the paintings to ride a magical carousel and rescue a fox and win a horse race before carrying them home again.

Mary’s put a song in the hearts of everyone in the house – except grumpy George, of course- and they all march around singing “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.” You may not believe this, but my spell check automatically recognized that as a word. Weird.

Mary takes Bert and the kids to see her Uncle Albert, who floats whenever he laughs and invites them all to join him for a tea party in mid-air. “I Love To Laugh” is actually one of my favorite songs in the entire movie, because you can’t listen to it without laughing along with it. Well, you probably can if you have no soul.

Speaking of the soulless, Mr. Banks is concerned that Mary is engaging the children in too much frivolity and unneeded tomfoolery. He starts complaining to her and tries to dismiss her, but she ignores him completely and manages to convince him he should take the kids on a tour of the bank. He does, and his boss Mr. Dawes (also played by Dick van Dyke) tries to force Michael into investing his tuppence before actually snatching it out of his hand. Michael pitches a fit, which leads the other customers to panic and start a run on the bank. Frightened, the children escape in the crowd. They run through the creepy streets where dogs bark at them and scary urchins lunge at them. At last they bump into Bert. They don’t recognize him at first, because he’s covered in soot.

“It just so happens that today I’m a chimneysweep.” – Bert

The children tell Bert about what happened at the bank. Bert sits them down and explains that their father doesn’t hate them.

“Look at it this way. You’ve got your mother to look after you. And Mary Poppins. And Constable Jones. And me. Who looks after your father? Tell me that. When something terrible happens, what does he do?” – Bert

You will notice that I skipped over the entire “Feed the Birds” sequence. I had too. It makes me cry.

Bert takes the children home and sings his chimneysweep song. Since it’s Mary Poppins’ day off, Mrs. Banks has Bert stay to clean the chimney and look after the kids. Naturally, the fireplace is situated before a pristine white area rug. Heeheehee.

Mary Poppins arrives just in time to see Jane and Michael get sucked up the chimney.

Mary: There goes the other one.
Bert: Shall I go after them?
Mary: Well we can’t have them gallivanting around up there like kangaroos, can we?

So they all go up and bump into Bert’s chimneysweep pals, who do one of the coolest dances I’ve ever seen across the rooftops and chimneys of London. I remember dancing from couch to couch pretending to be a chimney sweep, but I was always a little scared for the guys because I didn’t want to them to slip and fall.

One thing I really like about this is Mary’s ability to fit in with anyone she’s around, whether they be cartoon people, or covered in soot. She treats everybody equally, and she doesn’t take any guff.

Anyway, the crazy neighbor whose house is a ship thinks the Hottentots are attacking London and fires off a bunch of fireworks to scare them away. The sweeps scatter for a few minutes before diving down the chimneys for cover. Naturally, they all tumble their sooty selves into the Banks living room (all across that pretty white rug) and continue to dance and sing. Mr. Banks arrives home to see these dirty men dancing with his wife and servants. The sweeps dance away happily into the streets after thanking Mr. Banks for a lovely time.

“Oh father! Every one of those sweeps shook your hand! You’re going to be the luckiest person in the world.” – Jane

Mr. Banks demands an explanation from Mary Poppins.

“First of all, I would like to make one thing quite clear…I never explain anything.” – Mary

She takes the children upstairs and the telephone rings. It’s the boss, who wants Banks to return at nine, presumably to be fired. Mr. Banks wanders into the living room to bemoan his lot in song and blame Mary Poppins for all the chaos in his life. Bert gently counsels him in his terrible Cockney accent and dang, Dick van Dyke is a handsome fellow.

The children enter in their adorable pajamas to apologize. They give their father the tuppence.

“Will that make everything all right?” – Jane

Mr. Banks heads down to the creepy bank to face his superiors. After a brief discussion of the Boston Tea Party, the elderly banker’s son rips up Banks’ carnation, breaks his umbrella, and punches a hole in his hat. Banks takes this in stride, saying “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” and telling the bankers a joke before dancing away.

The punch line of the joke finally hits the oldest banker, who starts to laugh before floating up into the air.

A change in the wind means that it’s time for Mary Poppins to go. The children tearfully beg her to stay. George, who has been gone all night, returns home singing with a homemade kite. Oh-oh-oh everybody goes to fly the kite.

The family holds hands and skips down the street together. Mary Poppins smiles at them from the nursery window. George runs into the bankers, who are also flying kites in the park. The son tells George that his father died laughing, so there’s room for a new partner.

Mary Poppins opens her umbrella and flies off into the sky. Bert spots her and says, “Goodbye, Mary Poppins. Don’t stay away too long.”

Stick around for the credits, where the role of “Mr. Dawes, Senior” is credited to “Navckid Keyd.” These letters magically rearrange themselves to spell “Dick van Dyke.” I love that.


This is one of the most imaginative movies I have ever seen. I do think it’s the kind of movie you have to grow up loving. It means a lot to me now because it meant a lot to me when I was little. I’m a sucker for the magic of soaring music and lyrical words.

This is generally my “I’m sick and I need to feel better” movie, but strangely I always cry when it watch it…most of the way through it, actually. I cry because the dad’s so mean, I cry when Bert’s sidewalk paintings get destroyed in the rain, I cry when it’s time to feed the birds, I cry when the elderly banker takes their tuppence and the dad lets him, I cry because the children get lost and the scary dogs and homeless women chase them, I cry when they all go fly kites, and I cry when Mary Poppins goes away, etc. I’m sure you catch my drift.

So, yes. I’m a college student who loves Mary Poppins, and I make no apologizes for that. After all, I never explain anything.

FINAL GRADE: A+

Off in search of a spoonful of sugar,

M.

Day Twenty-Three: The Women

THE WOMEN

Starring:
-Meg Ryan
-Annette Bening
-Eva Mendes
-Debra Messing
-Jada Pinkett Smith
-Candice Bergen

Directed by: Diane English

Screenplay Credits: Diane English

MPAA Rating: PG-13


If you like movies where Jada Pinkett Smith is a lesbian and women beat themselves up over their cheating dog husbands, then by all means, Netflix this one. If you have a brain in your head, say “thanks but no thanks” and don’t waste your time.

THE WOMEN is a remake of the 1939 film of the same name, which was directed by George Cukor. If you simply must watch a movie entitled THE WOMEN, go straight for the ’39 version… there’s far less bitch slapping.

Anyway, the 2008 version is about Mary Haines, who lives in a fancy house out in Connecticut with her cheating dog husband Steven, their eleven year old daughter Molly, and a couple of women staff members. Mary has just discovered that her husband is cheating on her with some slutty young tramp he met in the city. She bumps into the slutty young tramp time and time again, and they battle, but she never seems to manage to come out on top. Mary whines to her friends about this before finally going to her mother, Candace Bergen, who is this film’s only redeeming quality. Bergen is in sole possession of the only even remotely clever, interesting lines. Still, she isn’t entirely perfect, as she encourages her daughter to keep quiet about Steven’s indiscretion and silently hope he sees the light and comes back to her.

This is bullcrap. This whole movie is bullcrap. Now, I’m extremely biased, because I am a strong woman with a strict no-tolerance policy. One strike and you are out, buddy. I say this with confidence, knowing that I am not (and never plan to be) a cheating dog, so naturally I expect the same from anybody I’m seeing. The fact that this woman lets this horrible man string her along, and make her feel like a worthless sack of crap is totally disgusting to me. Yes, they’ve been married several years. Yes, they have a child together. Betrayal is betrayal. And it's interesting to me that throughout the course of the film, Mary is so desperate to win back her husband that she neglects their daughter. Call me crazy, but that's just plain lousy parenting.

Being all about women, the film naturally addresses pettiness, along with other sources of betrayal, and at one point the main BFFs are in a pretty bad tiff themselves.

In short, imagine everything that women ever complain about or struggle with… now add opening and closing credits. Congratulations. You have just summed up this movie.

This is an all female cast, which is a gimmick that gets really, really old in the first act. THE WOMEN is 114 minutes of self-absorbed whining. In its quest to empower women, it fails horribly. Need to feel good about yourself, ladies? Watch WAITRESS, or 9 TO 5. If you want to watch an ensemble of catty women with decadent plot twists and hilarious dialogue, watch reruns of SEX AND THE CITY. But please, never, ever, ever watch this movie. Just don’t.

FINAL GRADE: D

Frankly, the only reason I didn’t flunk it out completely is, this one is slightly better than SUPER FUZZ. But only slightly.

Off in search of something better,

M.

Day Twenty-Two: The Bourne Ultimatum

THE BOURNE ULTIMATIUM

Starring:
-Matt Damon as Jason Bourne
-Julia Stiles as Nicky Parsons
-David Strathairn as Noah Vosen
-Joan Allen as Pamela Landy
-Albert Finney as Dr. Albert Hirsch

Directed by: Paul Greengrass

Screenplay Credits: Tony Gilroy, Scott Z. Burns, & George Nolfi

MPAA Rating: PG-13 – violence and intense sequences of action


British reporter Simon Ross is doing a series of articles on the mysterious Jason Bourne and he’s just gotten the scoop on Operation Blackbriar from a source who refuses to go on record. Ross calls his editor and makes a single mention of Operation BlackBriar and the CIA instantly begins tracking him.

Jason meets up with Ross at the Waterloo Station, where Ross tells him that Blackbriar is a Treadstone upgrade, and that his source knows everything about Bourne, including who he was.

Noah Vosen, the (extremely attractive) CIA honcho in charge of running BlackBriar recognizes Jason helping Ross and assumes that he is the source. Vosen spots Bourne and gives the asset the green light to take both of them out. But Ross is stupid and thinks he knows how to take care of himself, so he makes a run for it and the CIA asset shoots him square in the head. Idiot. ALWAYS LISTEN TO JASON BOURNE, PEOPLE!

Bourne gets away, but not before emptying Ross’ pockets.

CIA director Ezra Kramer sends Landy in to Vosen’s operation, as she was the agent who was tracking Bourne six weeks earlier. It takes Landy all of five minutes to figure out that Ross’ contact is Neal Daniels, formerly involved in Treadstone and currently heading up the Blackbriar Operations in North Africa and Southern Europe.

Bourne also figures the source is Daniels after going through the information Ross was carrying when he was gunned down. He hurries to Daniels’ office in Madrid where he spots a photograph of two men, both of whom he recognizes as being present at his induction to the Treadstone program. He then takes out two of Vosen’s operatives and runs smack dab into Nicky Parsons. He got a gun on her when Vosen calls the office. Nicky answers and assures him that his men are alive. She lies and tells him she is not under duress, which gives Bourne the chance to hear a little insider information. Vosen urges Nicky to stay put, telling her that backup will arrive in one hour. He terminates the call and Nicky warns Bourne that backup will be there in three minutes. She tells him that she knows where Daniels is, and that her car is out back. As they exit the building, Nicky tells him that Daniels wired $100,000 to an account in Tangier earlier in the day.

They end up at a diner where Nicky tells Jason what she knows about Daniels. She then hints around that they once had a relationship, which doesn’t surprise me, as she seems better suited for him than Marie.

The CIA has tracked Daniels’ passport to a hotel in Tangier, rightly assuming that’s where Bourne is also headed.

Nicky learns that the asset sent for Daniels is Desh. Jason has her message him with instructions to pick up a new phone. He does, which allows Jason the opportunity to follow him to Daniels. The CIA folks are on to him, and Vosen orders the asset to take out Jason and Nicky once he’s finished with Daniels. Desh manages to kill Daniels with a well-placed bomb, and although the blast knocks Jason down, he pops right back up and heads out after Desh like James Bond shaking off a heart attack. Bourne eventually catches up with Desh, who has been chasing Nicky. They wrestle around a while, occasionally hitting each other with books and candlesticks before Bourne finally takes him out. Bourne then swipes his phone and tosses it to Nicky.

“Code it in. We need to be dead.” – Jason

Vosen calls Ezra to tell him that Nicky and Jason are dead. We learn that the only reason Ezra sent Landy to work with the team was so she could be the scapegoat if anything went wrong with the mission.

Jason tells Nicky a little about Marie before telling her she has to run. Later he comes up on her dying her hair in the sink and chopping it off. He looks at her a moment, obviously thinking about Marie. With a wistful look and her new, unflattering haircut, she goes into hiding.

Jason pays a guy off to get a look at Daniels’ charred briefcase and finds the address of the secret CIA hidey-hole in New York City, where Vosen heads Blackbriar. Vosen discovers that Desh is dead. Separately, Landy discovers that Jason is alive and is using one of his early Treadstone identities. Landy thinks he’s trying to communicate with her, so she communicates back.

The next scene is exactly like the final one in the second movie. Jason is camped out in a building across the street from Vosen’s office. He calls Landy’s cell phone and Vosen hears the call. Landy does her apology thing, then thanks him for the incriminating tape against Abbott. She then tells him his real name – David Webb- and his birth date, 4-15-71. He tells her, once again, to get some rest because she looks tired.

Landy exits the building and goes to meet Bourne. Vosen and his men are on her. Jason uses this opportunity to break into Vosen’s office and steal the classified Blackbriar documents from his safe. Vosen sends an asset after Bourne, who is headed to meet Landy at 415 East 71st street (recognize Webb’s “birth date”?). This is the address of the training facility where Dr. Albert Hirsch was in charge of breaking and preparing the Treadstone operatives. Vosen calls Hirsch to warn him that Bourne is coming.

There’s another huge car chase and too many crunches to count, but when the asset crashes – alive but immobilized- Bourne walks away without killing him. Bourne meets Landy at the address she gave him and hands her a bag with all the documents he swiped inside. She warns him that Vosen is already on the way, then quickly goes to fax all the documents. Luckily, she gets them all done before Vosen finds her.

Jason finds Hirsch, who fills in the details. Bourne was Captain David Webb and he volunteered to be the first person in the program, believing that he would be saving American lives.

“You chose right here to become Jason Bourne.” – Hirsch

Bourne remembers being forced to kill a man in the training room before finally being admitted into the Treadstone program.

“I remember everything. I’m no longer Jason Bourne.” – Jason

Vosen’s agents arrive and Jason evades them by racing to the roof. He hears a gun click and looks up to see the asset whose life he spared earlier.

“Do you even know why you’re supposed to kill me? Look at us. Look at what they make you give.” – Jason

See what he did there? He quoted the asset from the first movie’s dying words. Agents, including Vosen, burst onto the roof, guns drawn. Jason jumps off into the East River and Vosen’s gun goes off. It’s difficult to tell whether or not Bourne has been hit, but we do see him floating lifelessly in the water, which is reminiscent of how we first found him in THE BOURNE INDENTITY.

Time passes.

We learn that Ezra Kramer is under investigation, and that Vosen and Hirsch have already been arrested. Nicky is watching this news story on TV, and she really perks up when they mention David Webb. According to the news program, Webb was shot and fell ten stories into the river, but wasn’t found after a ten-day search. Nicky grins really creepily and we see David Jason Bourne Webb or
whoever he is now swimming away. Hooray!


I knew in the first ten minutes of the movie that I was going to like this one better than the second film. This one is awesome straight out of the gate. Now after finishing the entire series, I’m fairly certain that this one is my favorite. The camerawork has been criticized before as being too shaky, or distracting to the viewer, but I didn’t find this to be the case. If anything, the camerawork really draws your attention to what you need to be seeing at any given moment. The landscape shots are incredible, but my favorites are those really interesting ones, like when a character is filmed from afar and framed by something unusual in the scene.

There is speculation that a fourth Bourne movie will be filmed this summer for a 2011 release, but I will be a little sad if that is the case. I think the trilogy has worked itself to a natural conclusion. Why mess with a good thing? Jason Bourne or David Webb or whoever he is, is free now. That’s what’s really fun about the end of this movie; it came full circle. He started out floating around in the water with no identity, and that’s how he ended it. Personally, I’d rather not know anything more about Bourne’s whereabouts. I want to be surprised if I come home to my apartment one day and find him sitting in my living room. He seems to do that to every person he comes in contact with. Why not me? And while he’s here, I’ll get him to beat up on my rude upstairs neighbors and play spy games with me. I don’t want to be involved in the actual spy games, mind you. But we could pretend. What’s that called? Role playing?

Ohhh, yeah.


FINAL GRADE: A


Off in search of fuzzy handcuffs,

M.


P.S. Thanks to MSJ -the phantom wood worker- for supplying the last several movies. If anybody deserves a Catherine, it's you. Now get back to work!

Day Twenty-One: The Bourne Supremacy

THE BOURNE SUPREMACY

Starring:
-Matt Damon as Jason Bourne
-Franka Potente as Marie
- Brian Cox as Ward Abbott
-Joan Allen as Pamela Landy
-Julia Stiles as Nicolette Parsons

Directed by: Paul Greengrass

Screenplay Credits: Tony Gilroy & Brian Helgeland

MPAA Rating: PG-13 – violence, intense action, and brief language


A couple of years have passed since Jason Bourne learned he was a CIA assassin, and he continues to regain his memory through occasionally violent flashbacks and dreams. Jason and Marie are living together in Goa, India. Marie is blonde now, so she doesn’t look as severe as she did in the first film.

In Virginia’s big CIA office, Director Pamela Landy is overseeing one of her agents paying $3 million for the Neski Files, documents about $20 million that was stolen from the CIA seven years earlier.

Cut to a basement in Berlin were the million-dollar Neski swap is going down. A Russian assassin named Kirill has planted two bombs, one on the mainline and one on the subline. He rigs the second bomb to malfunction. When the first bomb goes off, Kirill kills both men and swipes the Neski documents. He then delivers them to his boss, Russian oil tycoon Yuri Gretkov.

Back in India, Jason spots a suspicious looking man in town and, sure enough, the man is asking around for him. Jason grabs Marie and they start careening through town trying to get away. The bad guy stays right behind them, eventually managing to shoot and kill Marie. The car flies off the bridge and Jason struggles to get Marie’s body out. He tries to do underwater CPR, which is weird, and of course he is unsuccessful. She floats away all creepy looking and the bad guy thinks he’s killed Bourne and leaves.

I was never overly attached to Marie, so I’m not torn up that they decided to kill her. This makes Bourne a little more like Bond… he can’t hold on to the same woman for very long.

A fingerprint is found on the bomb that failed to detonate, and that print belongs to none other than Jason Bourne. There’s something rotten in the state of Denmark…

Jason burns all of Marie’s passports and pictures and things, then travels to Naples, Italy. Landy receives clearance to pilfer through the Treadstone files, and she discovers that Jason is suffering from amnesia, and that Conklin was killed for letting Treadstone get out of hand.

Pam thinks that Conklin and Jason were in cahoots together and are somehow connected to the Neski documents. Oh, Pam. You’ve got it all wrong.

Fun fact: Most people named Pam are trashy. I speak from personal experience.

Landy and Ward interrogate Nicky Parsons. They realize that she knows more about the whole business than they do, so they drag her off to Berlin with them. Gee, I hope she didn’t have dinner plans.

Jason thinks the Treadstone folks are still after him and goes to interrogate the last remaining member of the team at his house. They get into a big, bloody fight and Bourne strangles the guy to death. Jason rigs the place to explode and gets the heck out of dodge.

Jason manages to track Landy to the Berlin Westin Hotel. He follows her to the local CIA station and hides a safe distance away before telephoning her and agreeing to meet … but only with an agent he trusts. Landy agrees to this and Bourne chooses Nicky. Ward warns Landy not to let Nicky go, but she ignores him and sends her out anyway. Bourne snatches Nicky and evades the surrounding agents.

Bourne questions Nicky about what’s going on and learns that Abbott was Conklin’s boss. Since she’s wearing a bug, Landy hears their whole conversation. Landy makes the decision to release Bourne’s photo to the local police. Boy, this is all just one big misunderstanding.

Bourne starts looking up stuff about Neski online. Supposedly, Neski was murdered by his wife, who then committed suicide.

CIA boy Danny has returned to the site of the bombing. He’s figured out that the second bomb was unnecessary, and he thinks that Bourne didn’t have anything to do with the murders. Abbott surprises everybody by knifing the kid to death.

Meanwhile, Bourne has broken into the hotel room where the Neskis were murdered. Vivid flashbacks confirm it was he who killed them. Back at the front desk, the hotel clerk recognizes Bourne’s photograph on a wanted poster and telephones the police. They arrive quickly, but Bourne evades them. Obviously. Is there anyone he can’t evade? No.

Landy and two of her guys make it to the Neski hotel room and look around for a few minutes before receiving word that Danny’s body has been found. Landy instantly suspects Abbott and gets to his hotel to confront him.

Abbott calls Gretkov to tell him that Bourne is still alive. He says the plan can still be salvaged, but Bourne has to be taken out. He believes that Bourne can finger them as coconspirators in the $20 million theft. Gretkov tells Abbott to buzz off and hangs up.

“I’m afraid, Ward, the time has come for us to part company.” – Gretkov

Suddenly, Jason comes creeping out of the shadows. He refuses to kill Abbott out of respect for Marie. Jason leaves and Landy arrives. She enters the room to find Abbott holding a gun. Abbott tells Landy that Danny was collateral damage, and that he isn’t sorry. Then he shoots himself. Good. I never liked him, anyway.

Bourne’s a smart cookie and he taped his last exchange with Abbott and mailed it to Landy. Then he boards a train to Moscow to try and find Neski’s daughter. Russian police start after him, then Kirill joins the party and once again it seems like everybody on the planet wants to kill Jason Bourne. Can’t this guy catch a break?

Kirill shoots Bourne, so he ducks into a dollar store to swipe some stuff, hops into a random cab and doctors his wound as he drives away. There are maybe ten police cars and Kirill chasing him, and this might be one of the longest car chases I have ever seen. Anyway, here’s the reader’s digest version: Bourne forces Kirill’s car into a concrete median, then watches him wheeze his last few breaths before walking away.

Gretkov is arrested by the Russian police after Landy gives them the tape that Bourne sent her, implicating him in the robbery and the Neskis’ murder. Neski’s daughter returns to her apartment to find Bourne sitting there. He tells her that he was the man who killed her parents. He apologizes and leaves.

“When what you love gets taken from you, you want to know the truth.” – Jason

Cut to New York City, where Bourne calls Landy on her cell. Landy wanted to thank him for supplying the tape. She apologizes for everything before telling him his real name, David Webb, his birth date, 4-15-71, and his home state, Missouri.

“Get some rest, Pam. You look tired.” - Jason


Again we end with a perfect setup to a follow-up movie, which is- of course- exactly what the filmmakers wanted. This one just didn’t do it for me and I’m not sure why. I do love all the times when Bourne is watching people and they have no idea, then he clues them in and they look around all alarmed and confused. That’s just funny to me.

I could be mistaken, but it seems like this one jumped around a lot more than the first one did. It was a little harder to follow, and it took me longer to get into. I would like to have seen more of Nicky Parsons, mainly because she strikes me as an interesting character, and I don’t think she’s been explored fully enough.

I guess I liked it, but certainly not as well as I liked the first one. At this point I do feel kind of bad for Marie, but more than that I’m still torn up about the dog murder in the first film. What can I say? Women hold grudges.

FINAL GRADE: B

Off in search of David Webb,

M.

Day Twenty: The Bourne Identity

THE BOURNE IDENTITY

Starring:
-Matt Damon… and other people

Directed by: Doug Liman

Screenplay Credits: Tony Gilroy & William Blake Herron

MPAA Rating: PG-13 – violence and some language


A crew of fishermen is out in a storm when they spot something bobbing around in the ocean. They haul it in and it’s Matt Damon. They think he’s dead, so they start crossing themselves, but then he moves his hand and spooks them. Since he’s still kicking, they take him in to work on him. He’s got two bullets in his back, so they carve them out with X-Acto knives and tweezers. Then they discover a small metal chip in his hip with a big long number and some address in Zurich. Matt comes to and starts flailing around, but the fisherman calms him down and asks his name. Matt doesn’t know.

Back at the CIA offices in Virginia, a nerdy looking dude goes in to see the boss, Conklin, to tell him that the mission has failed.

Still on the boat, Matt learns that he is fluent in several languages, very physical, and capable of tying complicated sailor knots. He’s been there two weeks, but he hasn’t remembered anything about himself or where he came from. The fisherman hands Matt some money as he leaves the boat, as well as the chip that came out of his hip. Matt heads to Zurich and finds his safety deposit box. Inside the box are a handful of passports, a couple of contact cases, thousands of dollars, a mean looking gun, and a few other odds and ends. He cleans out the box, but leaves the gun. Matt is seen by a bank employee, who quickly reports this to the CIA.

Matt ducks into the U.S. Consulate and is spotted. He discovers that he can get out of sticky situations easily and instinctively.

The CIA dispatches all their agents. Conklin wants Bourne in a body bag by sundown. Apparently, Bourne is one of their agents who failed his mission to assassination former dictator Nykwana Wombosi and never reported back to them.

Bourne hitches a ride to Paris with Marie, a girl he noticed in the Consulate. On the way, she asks him what kind of music he likes and he can’t answer. He confesses that he is an amnesiac. Jason shows Marie his stack of passports and talks about all the weird stuff he knows, like all six license plate numbers for the cars outside the diner, etc. Still, he has no clue who he is.

“How could I forget about you? You’re the only person I know.” – Jason

Jason and Marie find his Paris apartment. Jason hits the redial button on his phone and is connected to a Paris hotel. He then discovers that John Michael Kane – one of his aliases- was killed two weeks prior in an automobile accident. Moments later, an agent comes flying into the apartment and tries to kill him. Jason takes him out and breaks like, every other bone in his body. The man manages to hop up and runs out the window, where he falls to his death on the street below. Marie freaks, which proves that women have no business in the spy business. She’s in shock, so he drags her out onto the street and BOY this is an awesome movie.

The police see the couple in Marie’s rusty old Mini Cooper and start to chase them. Unfortunately for the long arm of the law, Jason is an expert getaway driver and he manages to elude them.

“So…uh, we got a bump coming up.” Jason

If he knows how to bake muffins and can give a good massage, he might just be the perfect man. Of course, he is blond, but that can’t be helped.

Jason slips the Coop into a parking garage and instructs Marie that she must never return to it. He says they will have to clean it out and wipe it down before mentioning that she will need to change her hair. Marie is still a little dazed, but she agrees with Jason anyway. Meanwhile, Wombosi shows up at the morgue in Paris to identify “Kane”, the man who he thinks tried to kill him. He looks at the body, but doesn’t recognize it. We learn that the agents planted this body, pretending it was “Kane” in hopes of fooling Wombosi.

Jason’s got Marie bent over the sink to dye her hair. Then he goes after it with a pair of scissors. Now this is where I would have to draw the line. Anyway, this has been a real turn-on for Marie, and she doesn’t waste time in letting Jason know she’d like to jump his bones.

The next morning, a sniper on the roof shoots Wombosi in the neck. Ouch. Jason and Marie have gone to the Hotel Regina – Kane’s last place of residence- to get his hotel bill. Jason can’t go in because he’s supposed to be dead, so he comes up with an elaborate plan to get the records. Marie surprises him by simply walking in and asking for them.

Back at CIA headquarters, the boss is blaming Wombosi’s assassination on Bourne. Jason determines that he is definitely Kane, and that the morgue has a body they’re keeping as Kane. Bourne pays off a morgue worker to show him the body, but the locker is empty. He rips a page out of the morgue’s sign in book and makes the connection between Kane and Wombosi. Finally they discover Wombosi had told the police that a man had come onto his yacht and tried to kill him three weeks earlier. Jason determines that he is that man, an assassin whom Wombosi chased off the boat and shot twice in the back.

The cops have discovered their hotel location, so Jason decides that he and Marie are no longer safe in Paris. Marie’s ex-boyfriend Eamon has a house in the country. He isn’t supposed to be there, so Marie and Jason decide that’s where they’ll go. Of course, Eamon shows up with two cute little kids in tow, not to mention the family dog. Eamon lets Jason and Marie spend the night anyway, and they’re all set to leave the next morning when the kids come running in to tell Eamon that the dog is missing. Jason is instantly suspicious and tells Eamon to get the kids into the basement immediately, they aren’t safe. Eamon and his family do as they are told, and Marie discovers that the phone is dead.

Jason figures out the location of Eamon’s double-barrel shotgun- way up out of the children’s reach- and blows something up (I can’t really tell what), creating a huge explosion and a cloud of black smoke he can move around in unnoticed. The sniper still spots Jason running into the woods and takes off after him. Jason manages to shoot the sniper twice, then interrogates him. The sniper reveals that both men work for Operation Treadstone, and says a few more cryptic things, including mention of the same headaches Jason describes in the first of the movie.

“Look at us…look at what they make you give.” – Sniper’s dying words

Bourne takes $30,000 out of his bank bag and sends the rest with Marie. He forces her to go away with Eamon and his kids for her own safety. Jason promises Marie that he is going to end this, and she goes.

Jason heads back into Eamon’s house with the dead sniper’s bag. He finds the man’s phone and ends up dialing Conklin, the CIA boss who has been after him all along. Jason tells Conklin that he has killed Marie to stop them from looking for her. He makes plans to meet Conklin alone on a bridge.

Jason heads to the designated bridge, but spots numerous CIA agents and refuses to meet. He does, however, manage to place a tracking device on Conklin’s car, which leads him to the Treadstone safe house in Paris. Jason figures out a way to set all the car alarms on the street off, effectively distracting the guards so that he can gain entry to the safe house. Jason kills the phones, and the building’s power. He gets both Conklin and Julia Stiles held at gunpoint. Conklin starts filling in some of Jason’s blanks. Jason has flashbacks to being on the boat with Wombosi. He remembers sneaking onto the yacht and putting a gun to Wombosi’s head, but he couldn’t go through with the assassination when he discovered the target’s small children there. Jason tells Conklin that he’s quitting, ordering him to report that Jason Bourne drowned two weeks ago. Suddenly he spots the bug in Conklin’s clothes and knocks the man unconscious right before engaging in a shootout with the agents who have arrived to take him out.

Bourne gets away and Conklin is shot to death by one of the agents from Hamburg. The order came from Conklin’s boss Abbott, who terminates the program. Abbott goes before a government committee to discuss the dissolution of Treadstone, claiming that it was an ineffective training program. After Abbott assures the committee that Treadstone is no more, he begins briefing them on the new project, codenamed Blackbriar, effectively setting things up for a sequel.

Marie has started a new life for herself by opening a store in Greece. Jason finds her and they hug.

It’s always interesting to watch a movie where you know a lot more than the main character. I couldn’t help but put myself in his shoes. What would I do if I woke up and didn’t know who or where I was? And then there’s Marie, who has got to be a little crazy for letting this strange man into her car.

However, my biggest concern with this movie is…what happened to the dog? Eamon’s dog, you know? I assume the agent killed him, but why? What was the point of killing an innocent dog? I know he probably did it so that he could sneak up to the house to kill the phones without being barked at or bitten, but still. He couldn’t have shot the dog with a tranquilizer gun? You know, something mild that would have worn off in an hour or two. In other movies people will sometimes bring raw steaks to distract the dogs with. I know it’s not a big deal, and no dogs were actually harmed in the making of this movie, but still. I’m a girl. When girls watch action movies, we think more about things like biceps and harmless animals getting killed than we do gun models or escape plans.

So even though I am greatly troubled by the disappearing dog, I still think this is a terrific movie. That’s why I’m giving it an A.

Off in search of who I am,

M. Bourne

Day Nineteen: The Mask of Zorro

THE MASK OF ZORRO

Starring:
-Antonio Banderas
-Catherine Zeta Jones
-Anthony Hopkins

Directed by: Martin Campbell

Screenplay Credits: John Eskow, Ted Elliott, & Terry Rossio

MPAA Rating: PG-13 – some intense action and violence


Pray for mercy from…. PUSS in boots!

Okay, sorry. Wrong movie. For those of you who don’t know, Antonio Banderas absolutely stole my heart several years ago via an adorable little computerized kitty cat swordfighter on SHREK 2. Don’t judge me. I like kid movies. It all goes back to the fact that I am a well-rounded and discerning individual. Despite often being categorized as an “old soul”, I am decidedly young at heart. Therefore, I can appreciate Antonio Banderas in any form he chooses to present himself in: either as hunky Latin swordfighter Zorro, or as adorable kitty in wee little boots with over-large eyes Puss.

I’ll admit there may be something wrong with me though, as I would much rather snuggle up with cuddly Puss than sweaty showoff Zorro.

BUT! That is beside the point. Today’s story, boys and girls, is aaaaaaaaall about ZORRO! PRAY FOR MERCY! AHA!

We start out with a bad guy, Montero, who has chosen three random townsfolk to be executed. This isn’t just because he’s mean as a snake; rather, he wants to lure Zorro into the center of town to capture him. But Zorro swoops in right on schedule and rescues the captives before tossing some forget-me-not jewelry to a couple of young brothers, Joaquin and Alejandro (henceforth known as Jo and Alex). After saving another day, Zorro rides home to his secret Batcave underneath the waterfall.

Here are two reasons to like Zorro right off the bat: his horse has a perm and he’s got a wicked cool fireplace. Anyway, he goes into the nursery to smooch on the cutest darn baby you’ve ever seen. This is his little girl Elena. In comes his wife, Esperanza. It should be noted that she’s obviously several years his junior; yeah, Zorro’s cool like that.

So anyway, Zorro’s all, “Whoa, let’s have five kids.”

And Esperanza’s all, “Sure, let’s do it.”

And they suck face. But UH-OH, there are some uniformed bullies in the foyer with Montero and they’re pretty determined to arrest Zorro. Zorro’s not having any of that though and he fights back. But Esperanza sees one of them coming after her hubby and she flings herself in the blade’s path. She dies. Duh.

Montero is not happy about this, because he loved Esperanza too. He tells Zorro that he never wanted any harm to come to her.

“She was never yours to protect.” – Zorro

Zing!

The baby is crying and Zorro makes for her, but Montero slams him down and makes off with Elena. See, that pisses me off right there. It’s a good thing this is a revenge picture. Gosh, I love revenge pictures.

It’s twenty years later, and Jo and Alex (the Murrieta brothers) are bandits. Is anybody surprised? Didn’t think so. The Brothers are working with Three-Fingered Jack. They’re a kinky gang, and after they rob you they tie you naked to cacti. As they ride off from their latest victory, they are met by some white soldiers. Three-Fingered Jack is shot down instantly and captured. Jo is wounded, but Alex runs and hides among the cacti. Rather than be killed by white folk, Jo shoots himself. Crazy white guy isn’t bothered. He just dismounts and lops off poor Jo’s head. Old Zorro’s fancy medallion goes flying. They carry the head off in a bag and Alex scoops up the medallion and cries a little, poor guy.

Cut to the nasty old jail. It’s Montero, and he’s got a few years on him. He’s come to look at the prisoners in hopes of finding old Zorro. But when the prisoners find out that’s who Montero wants, they all start claiming to be the masked man in black. But Sir Anthony’s eyes are instantly recognizable, and the audience can plainly see that he’s the quiet old dude who blows off his leg shackles and plays dead so that he can get hauled out.

Old Zorro is buried in a shallow grave and boy howdy, is it creepy when he comes busting out. Anyway, we see that Montero and creepy white soldier who beheaded Jo are in cahoots.

The town has assembled to greet Montero on his return. Old Zorro is there to kill him, but then he spots Elena (who grew up to be Catherine Zeta Jones) and exercises a little something I like to call “self control”, which is something a lot of men have trouble with when exposed to a beautiful woman (although if you ask me, her eyes are too squinty).

One of the locals presents Elena with some native flowers. Although she believes this to be her first visit to California, Elena thinks she recognizes their scent.

Cut to Alex, drunk and dirty in the bar. He slurs around drinking whiskey, but when he runs out of money he tries to pawn off his brother’s Zorro medallion for more booze. It is then that I began to realize that with a little more pot smoking, this would be an awesome Cheech and Chong movie.

Old Zorro creeps up and demands to know where the necklace came from. Alex tells him it was his dead brother's, then just happens to look up and spot the crazy white guy who killed him. It is then that Alex must utter the line that I’m sure is found in every spaghetti western ever made ever: “Thas tha man who keeled my brother.”

What follows is my favorite scene so far: drunken Alex tries to fight Zorro. He fails miserably.

“Would you care to try again?” – Old Zorro

Alex realizes that this is Zorro. Z takes Al back to his cave for a chat. Old Zorro signs Alex up for the Young Zorro training program; they talk about circles, and get to work. After they fight for a little while, Old Z takes the newbie to have a bath and a haircut.

At last Alex slips the mask on over those sexy milk chocolate eyes of his and runs smack dab into Elena on her horse. Her accent is horrible, but her hair is fabulous.

Alex has decided to steal the black horse he saw in town earlier. He sneaks into the stable and tries to reason with the animal.

“Listen… I’m going to give you the great honor… of being my horse.” – Alex

I know women who would like it if Antonio Banderas said that to them, but this Black Beauty is less than impressed and tries to throw him off.

Banderas runs into a church to hide and bumps into Father Felipe, Original Zorro’s good buddy from the old days. The priest sticks Alex into the confessional, not knowing that Elena was waiting to speak with him on the other side. Alex spots her and pretends to be the priest.

Elena: I have broken the fourth commandment, Padre.
Alex: You keeled somebody?
Elena: No! That is not the fourth commandment.
Alex: Of course not…In what way did you break THE MOST SACRED of commandments.
Elena: I dishonored my father.
Alex: That ees not so bad. Maybe your father deserved it.

Elena admits that she’s feeling a little lusty towards a bandit she saw. Alex tells her that’s cool and sends her on her way before cutting a hole in the top of the confessional and escaping.

Alex returns to Zorro to brag about his new horsy, but Diego is not impressed. Alex is getting antsy. He wants to do things his way and tries to storm off, but Diego stops him and knocks the sword out of his hand with a spoon. He then tells Alex that his next assignment will be going to a fancy dinner party dressed as a nobleman.

Somehow I feel it would make a bolder statement (and be far more entertaining) if he went to the party in a red dress and heels, but even Zorro isn’t man enough to pull that off.

Alex attends the dinner and manages to impress Montero and leap around doing a sexy dance with Elena. I can’t help but think that this part would have been much sexier if choreographed by Quentin Tarantino… but, I digress.

Alex is invited to the meeting of the Dons where Montero reveals his master plan to create The Independent Republic of California. The next day, Montero takes Alex and the Dons to El Dorado, a secret gold mine where criminals and poor folks are slaves, forced to work the mines. Montero’s evil master plan is to buy California from Santa Anna with this gold… of course, Santa Anna will have no idea the land was bought with his own money. Alex spots dirty, sad looking children working and is sad.

Suddenly Three-Fingered Jack appears. The old coot is still alive and working in the mines. He insults White Guy Solider, who shoots him again. The Dons laugh because someone said a funny word (“Peckerwood?”) and wander off, leaving Alex to go over and share a knowing smile with Three Fingered Jack before he shuffles off his mortal coil…this time for good.

As the men take to their coaches, White Guy tells Alex he wants to have a word with him in private, presumably because he is suspicious.

Meanwhile back at the stables, Elena has come to talk to Old Zorro about Alex.

Alex goes to see White Guy, who offers him a drink as he presents a jar with his brother’s head floating in it. He then produces a similar jar with Three-Fingered Jack’s crippled hand bobbing around. Besides the initial shock, Alex handles this well and manages to get out of there.

Elena is wandering around in the market when an older lady comes up and gives her a scarf. The woman claims she was Elena’s nanny, who hung flowers on her crib when she was little. Elena looks sick and refuses to accept the scarf.

Back in the Batcave, Diego convinces Alex that he has to steal the map to the mine from Montero’s house. Diego warns the men that Zorro is on to them by burning a huge Z into the field. White Guy Captain’s solution to the problem is to blow the mine – and all the people working there- to smithereens. Zorro manages to snatch the map right out from under their noses. At last, Alex comes face to face with White Guy. Some guards run up, and Alex has a very creative way of getting rid of them. He then returns White Guy’s sword so that they can fight fair, but I’m here to tell you that if that would have been me, I would have run that sucker through without a second thought, only stopping to utter the ominous whisper, “Dat was for my broder, you bastert.”

White Guy and Alex fight a while before the other soldiers show up. Alex escapes them, but Elena witnesses this. She follows Alex to the stables and demands the map that he stole from Montero. She pulls a sword on him. She really means business when she comes out of her robe.

Somehow Alex and Elena manage to make out and sword-fight at the same time. I truly feel that if more couples found a way to incorporate this particular kind of foreplay/jousting, the divorce rates would plummet. Subsequently, the birth rates would probably sky rocket, but who cares? Every baby could be great. Let’s ban abortions and mandate constant sex.

What was I saying? Oh yeah. Alex makes a few improvements to Elena’s wardrobe before smooching her hard and dashing away. Montero and Captain Crazy White Guy come running in, just missing the masked man. Montero asks Elena if she could recognize the man.

Elena: No…but he was young and vigorous. He was very vigorous, father.
Montero: Vigorous.
Elena: YES!

At this moment I must decree that “He was very vigorous, father” is the greatest line in this entire film. Also, the face Elena makes when she breathlessly and enthusiastically says “Yes!” even gets me a little excited.

Unfortunately, I’ve never had the good fortune to have my clothes shredded by a handsome, mocha-skinned bandito…but I’m still young.

I’ll cut to the chase. The Bad guys are all set to blow up the mine and all the workers, but Old Zorro sends Alex to release them on his own so that he can see to defeating Montero. He comes to Montero and forces him to tell Elena the truth. Diego doesn’t want Elena to see him killed, so he allows himself to be captured.

Diego – or rather, his stunt double- is thrown into prison, but Elena comes to rescue him. They head for the mine, where Alex is busy playing keep away with the gold bars. Diego and Montero fight while Alex and Captain Crazy have a showdown of their own. Elena begs her father to spare Montero’s miserable little life. Stupidly, he obliges and Montero holds a gun to Elena’s throat before shooting Diego.

Alex manages to avenge both his brother Jo and Three-Finger Jack and the wounded Diego hitches Montero to the wagon full of gold and sends it flying through the air, finally crushing Captain Dirtbag. Alex runs back to Elena. He isn’t wearing his mask anymore, so she sees his true idendity, but there’s no time to mack because they’ve got all these criminals and poor people to save.

Of course they set the people free and come walking triumphantly through the smoke with a couple of dirty waifs clinging to them. They come up on Diego, who is breathing his last. Diego finally passes the official Zorro title on to Alex and gooshes over Elena one last time. He gives the happy couple his blessings and croaks. Bummer for Elena, who had to lose two dads in one day, but only one of them was actually worth something.

Cut to Alex telling infamous Zorro stories to a cute baby boy, appropriately named Joaquin after Alex’s fallen brother.

Elena tells Alex she plans on dreaming about Zorro – join the club, sister- and wonders what face she should give him.

“He has been many different men, but he has loved you as all of them.” – Alex

They make out a bit more before the man in black –Zorro, not Johnny Cash- enters the frame to slash his fiery signature at us.

Believe it or not, this movie is really, really funny. Many times it’s paced more like a broad comedy than an adventure film. I liked this choice, as it adds to the whole grand Zorro legend that’s been built up over the years. Banderas is just as cute as he can be and I loved his antics with the horse. If for any reason I become a horse one day, that’s the kind I want to be. Saucy.

One last totally unrelated comment before I give my final ruling: Lately I have been getting flack from some of my comrades about the length of my hair. Some feel it is too long, adding to the illusion that I’m about 12 years old. Now, after seeing this movie, I feel I am finally prepared to defend myself against their accusations. From now on I will simply tell them that I keep my long hair for one reason and one reason only… to cover my Zetas when I’m playing Zorro.

FINAL GRADE: A+

Off in search of a mask,

M.

Day Eighteen: Entrapment

ENTRAPMENT

Starring:
-Sean Connery
-Catherine Zeta Jones

Directed by: Jon Amiel

Screenplay Credits: Ron Bass & William Broyles

MPAA Rating: PG-13


Gin Baker (CZJ) is an investigator at Waverly Insurance. She has a bit of a fixation on Robert “Mac” MacDougal, a sixty year-old thief with immaculately groomed facial hair. She suspects Mac of stealing a priceless Rembrandt from an office and decides to go after him. She starts tailing him, only to return to her hotel room and find all of her clothes missing. Later that night she hears a strange noise in the room and looks up to find Mac lurking in the darkness. Any other man would be ogling her lecherously, but not Sean Connery. He’s too cool for that.

“Rule number two: Never trust a naked woman.” - Mac

This is very sound advice.

Gin has Mac think she’s a thief who’s interested in stealing this fancy Chinese mask. First Mac wants her to steal a vase from a smarmy art dealer. She tries, but botches the exchange and the pair ends up getting shot at as they hurry off. Luckily, she managed to make off with what was concealed inside the vase, a little black thing that looks like an ordinary film canister. This, we learn, contains the complete plans for the Bedford Palace security system. Bedford Palace is the known location of the target, that weird Chinese mask he’s so hot for.

Mac reveals that he can easily blackmail Gin at any point, so she better tow the line. They board a chopper to a remote Scottish castle – Mac’s beautiful home. Mac shows Gin to her room and lays down the law: in order to have complete trust between thieves, there can be nothing personal. Something tells me that this is one of those rules that was made to be broken.

The next morning they start going over the plans and Gin tells Mac that she was the one who stole the Rembrandt, and demonstrates her flexibility by climbing all over the walls and ceiling like a spider monkey. She boasts about her brilliant plan to steal the Rembrandt and sneak it into the mailroom where it would be mailed to the buyer. Mac gets the last laugh by returning to the room with the Rembrandt she stole. He had taken it from the mailroom. You barely notice Mac returning to the room with the painting because you're busy staring at Gin's rear end. Admit it.

Ving Rhames arrives at the castle with all of the supplies Mac will need to pull off the job. Gin has been swimming in the ocean for two hours, yet she emerges with perfect hair and makeup. Okay. Yeah.

Mac creates obstacle courses for her and they train together. Mac sniffs her hair. Uh oh. He blindfolds her and watches her slink through the laser course like a cat. She breaths deeply, he watches her. You get the idea.

Mac gives her a fancy dress. She says she’d like to get him something and heads toward town. Once she gets to a phone booth she stops and makes a call to her boss at the insurance place. Little does she know, Mac has the island bugged and hears every word she says. When Gin returns to the castle she finds a note from Mac that simply says, “UPSTAIRS.” She meets him there and he says ominous things. Finally he tells her they’ll be leaving in two hours for the Mask Ball at the Bedford Palace.

They get dressed and ready and I’ve never seen anybody who can fill a tux better than Sean Connery. Have mercy.

While at the ball they work the room, plant a few special spy devices here and there, and Mac synchronizes his watch with the grand clock.

The thieves break into the secret underwater entrance and up through the showroom floor with a series of perfectly time blasts. Gin hops up and starts maneuvering her way through the series of lasers beams. She makes it to the mask and switches it with one of a monkey. The two of them go back the way they came and she hands off the mask. They play truth or dare. I’ve never played it with the possibility of drowning the loser, but they do things a little differently in Scotland. Gin convinces Mac that her job at the insurance firm is just a cover and that the job she needs help with is even bigger than she originally promised it would be.

Mac heads off with her to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, where she plans to lift $8 billion from the International Clearance Bank in Petronas Towers. The theft has to take place in the final seconds of the Millennium countdown; this will be there only chance.

“It’s impossible…but doable.” - Mac

Mac goes on a tour to investigate the towers and takes pictures of their connecting bridge, which is currently being covered in Christmas lights. His feelings have grown for Gin, but this doesn’t stop him from swiping the Chinese mask and giving it to Ving Rhames, so she beats him with a chair.

He drags her to the floor and they struggle a little while until he finally grabs her hands and holds her still. At this moment, I was forced to pause the DVD and step away from the television for a few moments. Whew.

When I managed to cool down enough to return to the movie, Mac and Gin finally smooch a little.

“I hate alone. Alone sucks.” - Gin

He stops things in their tracks and they cuddle some, which is disappointing for me, as I have really been enjoying living vicariously through their little flirtation thing.

Gin gets pulled off the street by the insurance boss Hector and his goons. Ving has been spying on Gin and Mac and feeding information to Hector, so naturally he’s become suspicious.

I don’t want to spoil everything for you, but I will say thank goodness for festive Christmas lights, parachutes, and train stations.

This is a very cool movie. Like any good caper, you’re never totally sure what’s truth and what’s bull, but the crooks get away in the end, which is what everybody wants. There’s tons of neat gadgetry and cool thief moves and it really makes you want to do something covert and mysterious that you’re bound to feel guilty about later.

Fun fact: Sean Connery is 79 years old. And bald. And there isn’t a woman in the world who cares about either of those things.

Also, I love the way Connery says, “girrrrrlfriend.”

I reserve the grade of A+ for those films that leave me with a certain happy, buzzy feeling. It’s that feeling where there are no unanswered questions and everything has worked out perfectly, though maybe not in the way you expected. Not only does this movie have all of those characteristics, it leaves you wanting to see more of Mac and Gin’s adventures, which is something I wish more screenwriters would strive for. Happy endings are good, but after a movie like this, everybody wants part two of the story.

FINAL GRADE: A+

Day Seventeen: Public Enemies

PUBLIC ENEMIES

Starring:
-Johnny Depp
-Christian Bale

Directed by: Michael Mann

Screenplay Credits: Ronan Bennett, Ann Biderman, & Michael Mann

MPAA Rating: R – gangster violence and some language


In retrospect, I really should have known that this movie was not going to end happily. Heck, it wasn’t even going to end pleasantly. I’m a smart woman. I should have been able to call that one right off the bat. Sadly, I got a little too invested in the whole doomed romance thing (so sue me, I’m a chick) and ended the movie wanting some chocolate ice cream and a good cuddle. Deep down, I suppose I knew that a love story with that many machine guns would be ill fated, but I’m always on board for seeing a happy couple ride off into the sunset.

I’m not giving this one the standard review because, frankly, this movie was so all over the place that even I’m not entirely certain how everything went down. I know I wasn’t firing on all cylinders when I watched it, so that may have added to the confusion also.

Here is the basic gist. Grumpy FBI agent Melvin Purvis really has his panties in a wad because nobody can catch John Dillinger. Everybody gets really P.O.’ed when Dillinger and a few of his buddies pull off a snazzy jailbreak to free some of their gang. They go on a crime spree robbing banks like nobody’s business and wind up in a hotel where Dillinger meets homely, bug-eyed coat check girl Billie Frenchette. Billie takes up with John and they’ve almost got a Bonnie and Clyde thing going on, but not quite.

Things are looking good for John. He’s got oodles of money and Billie is spread-eagled in the bathtub. Sadly, before we get into any sudsy Johnny Depp action, the feds bust in and start arresting everything with a pulse.

John gets in, breaks out, gets in, breaks out, you know the drill. Finally Billie gets arrested for helping John, and he’s pretty bummed. While the cops are all out investigating a tip, John just walks right into the Dillinger Squad Headquarters and goes around looking at all their surveillance pictures and case information. This is my favorite scene in the movie, and if I ever become a ruthless bank robber, I sincerely hope I have the guts (and the luck!) to go waltzing around unnoticed in plain view.

Inevitably, some Romanian madam sells Dillinger out because the Feds threaten to have her deported. So here comes Johnny out of the movie theatre and wham bam, thank you ma’am, he gets shot in the back of the head. He goes down hard, spurting blood from a tiny hole in his cheek. My pal Orry agrees with me that said goopy blood looked more like KC Masterpiece Barbeque Sauce, but whatever.

On the technical side of things, this film is really dark. I know you’re thinking, “Duh, it’s a gangster movie,” but I‘m not talking about tone, I’m talking lighting. Some scenes actually made me squint.

I couldn’t always understand what was being said, but Depp could have been saying, “Watermelon, watermelon,” over and over again and I wouldn’t have cared because homebody is straight up fine.

It’s also a little confusing because not only does everybody drive the same car, everybody (with the exception of Bale and Depp) actually looks like a roughhousing gangster, and in some scenes it’s nearly impossible to tell the crooks from the cops.

This is more of a personal thing, but I hate films where big hateful men tie women to chairs and slap them around. I know it’s just a movie, but scenes like that upset me in strange ways. I can’t really explain it. I just want to transport myself into the film and go all Lorena Bobbitt on the creep.

I was similarly unimpressed with the big finish. It was sort of… anticlimactic. Here these poor schmucks have been chasing this narcissistic psycho all over the country - he’s outfoxing them at every turn and working that trigger finger like it’s nothing – and when they finally shoot him they just stand around looking at each other going “Now what?”

I did really enjoy the nicknames. Pretty Boy Floyd and Baby Face Nelson were among the coolest I remember hearing. Since seeing this one, I’ve decided that I too need a gangster nickname. I’m open to suggestions, but for now I’ve decided to call myself Legs McCullough.

My enemies better take heed and stay away from dark alleys; Legs is liable to go all Dillinger on them at any moment.

In closing, if I was Johnny Depp, I think I’d just make another pirate movie and see that my freakishly thin French girlfriend gets a bath and a juicy cheeseburger… in that order.

FINAL GRADE: B –

Off in search of cuddly ice cream,

M.

Day Sixteen: Julie & Julia

JULIE & JULIA

Starring:
-Meryl Streep
-Amy Adams
-Stanley Tucci

Directed By: Nora Ephron

Screenplay Credits: Nora Ephron

MPAA Rating: PG-13 – Brief strong language and some sensuality


First of all, let me go on record as saying that Meryl Streep does the infamous Julia Child voice insanely well. This is a big admittance for me, as I have never been a big Streep fan. Kramer vs. Kramer is annoying, that one film she made with Anne Hathaway was just pointless, and Mamma Mia made me want to drown puppies (not really, I’m actually a hardcore fan of puppies). Anyway, I enjoyed her performance in this film.

Julie Powell is nearly thirty and all bummed because she talks to the families of 9/11 victims all day and is an unsuccessful writer. Her husband Eric – whom she calls a saint and let me tell you, he would have to be in order to put up with all her psycho mood swings, just saying – encourages her to start a blog to give her a hobby and help her find herself. He signs her up and she begins an impossible challenge: cooking her way through all the recipes in Julia Child’s “Mastering the Art of French Cooking.”

Meanwhile, many, many years ago, Julia and her husband Paul have moved to France because he works for the government and is bald, but we’re not going to hold either of those things against him. Julia loves France, but she’s not like all the other wives. She needs something to do besides stand around and be tall. She considered hat making classes and bridge lessons before finally settling on attending cooking school.

The film flips back and forth between Julie and Julia’s stories, and is far more interesting and effective than Powell’s book – and possibly even her blog- could have ever been. I think that when Powell got her book deal, she wanted to throw in everything but the kitchen sink to impress everybody with her mad Harper Lee skills. She failed. Instead of focusing strictly on the blog and how it impacted her life, she went off chasing all kinds of non-food related rabbits, detailing her best friend’s infidelity, and whining about her health problems. Boo hoo lady, tell us about the food.

Okay, okay, back to the movie review.

Thanks to her special Hermann Munster shoes, Streep towers head and shoulders over the rest of the cast, repeatedly threatening to squash the life right out of poor Stanely Tucci should she fall. For those of us cynical people who enjoy poking fun at any and everyone, there’s a brief shout-out to Dan Ackroyd’s Saturday Night Live version of Julia, “Damn! I just cut the hell out of my finger!”

And, maybe it’s just me, but I can’t decide whether Adams’ haircut makes her look more like a lesbian or a pixie. Either way, it isn’t very flattering.

You know, I remember watching The French Chef on TV when I was a kid. It used to come on Public Television right before Bob Ross and his “happy little clouds.” Julia Child was unpredictable and hilarious in her kitchen. Not in a Three Stooges kind of way, but still really funny. So I went into this film with fairly high standards and, for the most part, they were met.

One last thing, I had totally forgotten about pop beads until seeing this movie. I used to have a big bag of them. Wonder where they are?

FINAL GRADE: B+

Off in search of pop beads,

M.

Day Fifteen: L.A. Story

L.A. STORY

Starring:
-Steve Martin
-Victoria Tennant
-Marilu Henner

Directed by: Mick Jackson

Screenplay Credits: Steve Martin

MPAA Rating: PG-13


Okay, so I’m a little biased. THE JERK is one of my favorite movies, and I just know that no matter how many stops L.A. STORY pulls out, it simply isn’t going to be as good. I guess it’s wrong to shoot this one down before I even sit down to watch it, but I can’t help myself. Put down your pitchforks, people. Not everything Steve Martin touches is solid gold. Remember ROXANNE? Of course you don’t.

Okay. Pressing the play button now.

It’s a beautiful day in Los Angeles. Gorgeous women lounge by the pool. Suburban neighbors clad in bathrobes waltz out their front doors to fetch their morning papers. Limos full of important people cruise up and down the strip. You get the idea. Life is good here.

Harris Telemacher (Martin) is enjoying his morning workout at the stationary bike-riding park (no running allowed). Harris isn’t one to wait for traffic, so he takes his regular shortcut to work, driving across neighbors’ yards and driveways, through sewers, even down several flights of cement stairs in order to arrive in time. As soon as he swings into his designated parking space, he is ambushed by his costumers and makeup crew, who prepare him for the camera.

Harris is a “wacky weekend weatherman” for the local television station. His weather report is… interesting, to say the least. It’s certainly more of a comedy bit that a useful, informative segment, and the desk anchors’ disdain for him is obvious.

Harris heads back to his apartment to fiddle with a Newton’s Cradle, which makes me feel rather churlish because I always thought they were cool and bought one for myself with my babysitting money when I was in the fifth grade and my mom’s horrible cat knocked it off my desk and broke it into about twelve tiny pieces and I was never reimbursed for that even though it was her stupid cat that broke it and I purchased it with my very own hard-earned money and am still very bitter about it.

Marilu Henner is wearing a very bright pink blazer and messing with her lips. Steve Martin harangues her about how long it takes her to get ready. The couple is headed out to have lunch with “friends and friends of friends.” Exasperated, Steve goes to wait for her in the car. When she finally leaves the apartment, she’s now in yellow and wondering whether or not she should head back in to change. They make it to the freeway, where Steve has a shootout with a truck driver and an old lady. At last they make it to the café. Marilu shrieks obnoxiously as all of her friends arrive. She clamors to hug and kiss them. They all look like incredibly fake jerks. Some of them even have bandages from recent plastic surgeries.

Marilu: Sheila has been studying the art of conversation.
Harris: Oh, you’re taking a course in conversation?
Sheila: …yes.
*silence*

Suddenly a charmingly offbeat woman arrives, fresh off a plane from London, joins her friends and takes a seat at the table, and starts pulling boomerangs out of her bag. Her name is Sarah and she’s here to write an article on L.A. for the London Times. An earthquake hits. Glasses start clinking and tables start shifting around. The Californians don’t bat an eye. They all order irritatingly fancy coffees and bid each other adieu.

Harris is clearly charmed by Sarah’s goofiness and goes to a trendy fashion boutique to try on a pair of freakishly white pants. A young, spunky looking salesgirl (Sarah Jessica Parker) lies between his legs to measure his inseam. Harris decides to buy the pants and SJP tells him he can come back for them Wednesday.

On the way home from the shop, the car breaks down on the side of the freeway, directly in front of a signpost. Harris pops the hood and is looking around inside the car when the signpost starts to write messages for him. It says “HIYA” and “R. U. OK?” before asking Harris to hug it. Although he feels silly, Harris hugs the signpost. The signpost is pleased. It tells Harris that it sees people in trouble and stops them. According to the sign, L.A. wants to help Harris. It then gives Harris a riddle to solve, “U Will know what 2 do when u unscramble how daddy is doing.”

Marilu drops Harris off at his place. The next morning shows both Harris and Sarah waking up in their respective beds. Sarah takes a shower… Harris takes his blood pressure. Harris decides to take a shower too, and turns the shower knob from “ON” to “SLO MO” so he can move in slow motion to match the dreamy background music. The mail arrives while Harris is munching a bowl of cereal. He slides the wastebasket over to the mail slot to catch all the junk. Sarah sits serenely on her patio, wearing nothing but a soft white bathrobe and practicing her tuba.

Harris goes to pick up his friend Ariel at her apartment.

“I could never be a woman. I would just stay home and play with my breasts all day.” – Harris

They go to the county art museum armed with only a video camera and a pair of sneakers with wheels that pop out, turning them into roller skates. Ariel films him skating wildly through each wing of the museum.

“I call it performance art, but my friend Ariel calls it wasting time. History will decide.” – Harris

Sarah shows up, ready for her tour of the city. They cruise around looking at fancy houses and museums before winding up in the cemetery. Rick Moranis is hard at work digging a grave, but stops the pair to crack a few jokes.

“Finally. A funny gravedigger.” - Harris

Gravedigger Rick offers up a skull, and Sarah makes the obvious Shakespeare reference. They flirt a bit before both leaving for work. At the studio, Harris pre-tapes the weekend weather report, loudly declaring that L.A. will have sun, sun, and more sun. Of course, the weekend brings buckets of rain. Harris finally heads down to the trendy fashion place to pick up his pants where he bumps into SJP again. She’s dancing in the rain and tells him his pants aren’t ready before having him write his number on her palm. On the drive home, Harris passes the signpost, which now reads, “U SHOULD HAVE GOT HER NUMBER.”

The phone rings in Harris’ apartment and it’s SJP inviting him to Hard Rock Café. He goes and learns that her name is SanDeE*.

“Big ‘s’, small ‘a’, small ‘n’, big ‘d’, small ‘e’ big ‘e’. With a little star at the end.” – SanDeE

That’s too much trouble to type, so I’m just going to call her SJP still. SJP tells him she’s studying to be a spokesmodel, and she’s trying a new open relationship with her geeky looking boyfriend.

Harris: What made you want to be a spokesmodel?
SJP: Well, I always liked pointing.

SJP asks him if he’s ever had a high colonic before smooching him wildly and saying goodnight. The next day, Marilu Henner confesses that she’s been sleeping with his agent… for three years.

“This has been going on since the 80s!?!?!” – Harris

Harris is thrilled to be out of his relationship and his partnership with his crummy agent. He celebrates with a crazy dance before going to have a chat with the signpost. The signpost informs Harris that the weather is going to change his life…twice.

Harris is then fired from the station. That’s one. Harris goes to see Ariel to vent about his relationship woes.

“If confusion about your love life is ruining your day, I think it’s good to go over to your best friend’s house and ruin her day, too.” – Harris

“I hate to tell you this, Harris, but if you can find somebody you can have sex with AND lie in bed and watch TV with, you’ve really got something.” - Ariel

SJP takes Harris out for a lunch, then an enema at the California Colonic Institute. Patrick Stewart gives Harris a hard time about getting a reservation at a swank new restaurant, so he and SJP decided to go to Santa Barbara for the weekend.

He goes off skating through another museum with Ariel, but slips in a wet spot on the floor and ends up crashing into Sarah, of all people, and one of their mutual pals. The foursome ends up walking around together analyzing works. They stop at one and Harris goes into great detail describing the torrid scene, but when the camera shoots it, it’s only a huge canvas of red splotches.

They decide to go to dinner together and wind up at the fancy place Harris couldn’t get in before. The waiter even offers them dental floss: “diet or regular?” After the meal, Sarah drives Harris home. They’re standing outside the car when it begins to roll away. The keys are locked inside. Sarah and Harris try to stop the car until the lights pop on and the doors magically open. Harris realizes that this must be a sign and tells Sarah to hurry and get in the car. The car coasts them straight to the signpost off the freeway, which reads: KISS HER, YOU FOOL. He does, but he doesn’t really manage to get her attention. The sign says: KISS HER AGAIN. He does. They stare at each other a moment before she drives him home.

Later that night, Sarah calls her mom and the two of them play “Doo Wah Diddy” over the speakerphone. Harris dreams about the signpost’s mysterious riddle: How Daddy Is Doing.

Harris and Sarah go to a fancy little dinner party and sneak out to the garden for a few moments to watch a baby deer. When they return to the table, their hair is mussed and the top three buttons on her dress are undone. Ahem. They go for a walk in the city and Harris tells her that he’s got his job back, only now he’s going to be a serious weatherman. They turn into kids, which I assume is metaphorical for how young they feel together, blah, blah, blah.

I’ll skip to the good stuff. Turns out Harris and SJP and Sarah and her ex are all staying at the same hotel in Santa Barbara.

Harris: Sandee, your breasts feel weird.
SJP: Oh, that’s because they’re real.
*they tumble into bed*
Harris: All right now, I should warn you that I’m old and it might take a little while to… OH MY ---, I’M YOUNG AGAIN!”

Harris and Sarah bump into each other and have it out (“marriage, kids, old age, and death”). Sarah tells him it’s no use, she’s going back to London.
Cut to the airport. Sarah boards the plane…fastens her seatbelt… it looks like she’s really going. Harris sits in his darkened apartment, breathing deeply and looking glum. Suddenly, a storm rolls in. A BIG ONE! With crazy wind and rain and dark rolling clouds! Sarah’s plane can’t take off. The weather has changed Harris’ life yet again. Sarah takes a taxi to his house and the two kiss in the rain.

“A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.” – Harris

Harris and Sarah go to the sign to thank it for bringing them together. Sarah finally unscrambles the “daddy” riddle to say: SING DOO WAH DIDDY.

This is a clever movie. I do like it, but it can’t do what THE JERK does to me. Then again, few things can. I need to take a moment to mention how jealous I am that SJP got to roll around with Steve Martin. I mean, sure he’s 43 years my senior… age is just a number. Especially when we’re talking about Steve Martin.

I’ll give this one an A.


Off in search of popcorn,

M.

Day Fifteen: Beowulf & Grendel

BEOWULF & GRENDEL

Starring:
-Gerard Butler
-Stellan Skarsgard
-Sarah Polley
-Ingvar Sigurdsson

Directed by: Sturla Gunnarsson

Screenplay Credits: Andrew Rai Berzins

MPAA Rating: R – violence, language, and some sexuality



I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “The only reason she’s doing this movie is so she can stare at dirty, long-haired Gerard Butler in various stages of undress.”

And you would be right.

I see no reason to be ashamed of my feelings.

The year is 500 A.D. We’re watching a little baby toddler troll frolic and play with his big daddy troll in a pretty meadow. But uh-oh. Mean human soldiers on horseback are riding hard and heading straight for the troll family, determined to put a stop to all this frivolity. Big daddy troll grabs up little troll (How freaky is it to see a toddler with facial hair? Very.) and makes a run for it. They come up on a cliff, so Big Daddy hides little toddler on a little shelf on the side of the cliff and turns to face the approaching soldiers.

The soldiers aren’t happy, obviously. Soldiers rarely are in movies, unless they’ve got a weekend pass and are hitting up a bordello in Shanghai. They kill poor Mr. Troll and, although the main soldier man spots little baby toddler, he is silent and has his men ride on.

Toddler baby goes wandering off down the beach to find his Troll Daddy. When he finds his ole pappy’s lifeless body, he pokes at it a few minutes before finally deciding he’s dead and whacking his head off. Weird, I know, but just go with it. He cuddles the head a few moments, then carries it home, sets it up on a shelf, and stares at it for the next twenty or so years until he himself becomes a full grown troll with incredibly hairy legs.

He’s still really upset about the whole murder thing. You can tell by how he sits there rocking in the fetal position and moaning. So he goes up on a mountaintop to scream and beat himself in the head with a rock. You think I’m kidding, but I’m not.

So the troll waits until nightfall to come skulking down out of the mountains. He hits the night watchman on the head, then creeps into the great hall where all the soldiers are sleeping and tears them apart. Most of them have had their heads torn off, but some of them are hanging decoratively from hooks in the ceiling. Needless to say, the King of Danes isn’t happy to find all his men dead, but he really shouldn’t have killed that poor troll’s daddy. Hindsight really is 20/20.

Cut to Geatland, where Gerard Butler comes slogging his fine self out from the ocean. He comes up on a greasy old man and tells him that his name is Beowulf and that he was out hunting walrus when “a storm came up and ate our boat.” The man – who is largely unintelligible- gives Beowulf a bowl of grub and lets him sit by his fire.

You can’t always tell what Gerard is saying either, but he’s drop dead gorgeous, so it doesn’t matter much. Anyway, Beowulf vows to avenge the Danes. So he and his buddies load up on a boat (he’s got his swim trunks, and his flippy floppies) and head out. Beowulf is leaning on the side of the boat looking all pensive when a hand reaches out of the ocean and makes a grab for him. Everybody nods thoughtfully like this means something, but I have no idea what.

Cut back to the King, who has his remaining men out and about with torches, calling for the troll and demanding a rematch. The troll creeps up on one of the soldiers, clocks him so hard his head twists around backwards, then launches the corpse at the king. The King and the Troll lock eyes. It’s all very dramatic until the troll scampers off and the King stands there screaming, “TROOOOLLLLLLL!” for a while.

A mangled ship washes up on the shore and the King has the fallen soldier’s body burned. The Queen goes to see her witch friend Selma to make sure that the troll isn’t going to squash her husband. Selma assures her that her husband will die happily in his sleep.

Beowulf and his homies roll up on the shore and are met by one of the King’s men. They timidly approach each other, being all respectful and stuff, and I can’t help but think about how different the world would be if women had been running things. Beowulf’s men are lead into the village, and Big B is instantly captivated with Selma, probably because she’s all sexy and windblown. The King comes running out of the hall in his nightshirt to greet the newcomers.

KING: Beowulf! Somehow I think of you smaller…
BEOWULF: I was eight when I left.

Beowulf comes in for a beer and checks out all the women. Then he gets up and makes a big speech about how he’s gonna beat the crap outta that darn troll and kill him until he’s dead.

That very night the troll comes to their front porch, pees all over the door and groans really inappropriately then vanishes. What’s next, a flaming bag of dog poop? Is he going to roll their yard?

So the next day the soldiers set out on a quest to climb the troll’s mountain and pay him a little visit. They travel on horseback as long as they can, but eventually they must continue up the steep and rocky cliff on foot.

“I tell ya, this troll must be one tough prick. Do this climb every night after supper?” – Soldier

The troll’s a sharp fella, so he’s got his hillside outfitted with a few booby-traps to slow the soldiers up. I know Gerard needs his goofy helmet for cranial protection and all, but I do wish he’d take it off once and awhile to let me ogle him. Don’t judge me too harshly, because this is very light ogling. It’s more like a quick glance, then my imagination fills in the rest. See, when men ogle, they’re creepy and lecherous about it. Women ogling take one look at the guy, then close their eyes and try to imagine him smoking a pipe by the fire and reading “Twas the Night Before Christmas” to their three beautiful children. That’s how women ogle.

Anyway, with the soldiers busy climbing, troll man is playing bowling with a bunch of decomposing severed heads. When he pegs one, he skips around and prances, tumbling and giggling like a little girl at a gymnastics meet.

The soldiers take a break by a beautiful waterfall and the priest takes the opportunity to baptize any soldiers who are antsy about meeting their maker sooner than previously anticipated. But Beowulf has no time for the healing waters, as he must rush off and flirt with crazy haired sexy witch lady. She is cold as ice, let me tell you, and she warns Beowulf that the troll’s death will be bad for both the Geats and the Danes. She leaves him with one parting admonition to be careful with the things he doesn’t understand.

Beowulf comes to the King and asks him if there is maybe some reason that the troll is all hell bent on killing soldiers. At nightfall the men hear strange sounds and come running out of their hidey-hole. Boy howdy, Gerard has his action movie hero face down pat.

The next day, Beowulf is chilling in Selma’s hut when he hears a noise. He races outside and spots Grendel lumbering off. Beowulf chases after him, but Grendel refuses to fight.

“Why should he? You’ve done nothing to him.” – Selma

Beowulf asks Selma why Grendel was hanging out around her hut, but she puts him off. Then he goes to the King and asks if he has an opinion as to why Mr. Troll is only after the Danes. The King pulls a Selma and skirts the issue. Beowulf and his buds roll up on a village crazy (and terrible over-actor) who knows where Grendel’s cave is. The man leads them there, but the cliff is so high they don’t have rope to get down to it. One of the men pees off the side of the cliff and they leave. On the boat ride home, Beowulf spots a little redheaded boy leaping around the rocks. That weird sea creature hand comes up from the water and tries to grab one of the men off the boat, but the others pull him back.

The next morning, the village crazy is found dead and beaten to a bloody pulp outside the hall. Beowulf’s all like “bummer,” but I’m happy about it because it means there’ll be no more watching him try to act.

At last they get a long enough rope and sneak into Grendel’s cave. Grendel is a very messy housekeeper, or maybe he just wasn’t expecting guests. Either way, one of Beowulf’s men discovers the shrine to Grendel’s daddy and crushes the nasty old skull. He’s looking really happy with himself, but the other soldiers just stand there with their jaws hanging open in disbelief. None of them say anything, but I’m pretty sure they’re all thinking something along the lines of: “Duuuude.”

When Grendel comes home to find the smashed skull he’s pretty upset, but looks to me like it could be fixed with some Krazy Glue. Grendel sniffs the skull, then goes out on the cliff to clap and moan and throw rocks and smear blood all over his face.

Again, may I point out, if these were women, they’d all get together for lunch, vent out their frustrations, have a good cry, and become BFFs. Not so with the men.

Naturally, Grendel impales the night guard and then runs into the hall to snap necks and stuff. Gerard thinks he’s pretty slick, so he tackles Grendel and tries to tie him up. Obviously this doesn’t work. Grendel shakes him off and runs free. But he does leap off the roof of the hall and get his arm caught in one of Beowulf’s traps. Rather than be a prisoner, Grendel hacks his own arm off at the shoulder and goes running off. It’s gross.

He runs down to the beach and into the water, where he finally sinks down and dies. That creepy hand comes up to grab him and drag him off and he back-floats out of the frame. The King admits to Beowulf that he killed Grendel’s father. Beowulf asks why the king killed the troll.

“He took a fish.” – King

Seriously? A fish? This whole movie has been about fish theft? Geez.

The men are celebrating and passing Grendel’s arm around like a trophy. They toast to the end of gloom and grab up some wenches to paw on. Beowulf and the King talk about bestiality, but it’s okay because when Gerard Butler laughs, even the angels weep with joy.

Gerry goes to see Selma. She finally tells him that Grendel burst in one night and had his creepy troll way with her (for about two seconds). This gets Gerry all hot and bothered and he makes a move, but Selma slaps him. Then she thinks better of it and jumps his bones.

A big creepy sea hag rolls into the hall, sees her baby’s arm nailed to a post and screeches like a banshee. She snatches the arm and takes off. The soldiers hurry down to the sea caves and Gerry swims down further to investigate. He finds Grendel’s body lying under a waterfall. The sea hag shrieks again and tries to choke Beowulf. He brains her with a rock, finds a sword, and kills her. Out from behind the rocks comes the little red-headed boy, also brandishing a sword. Gerry makes the connection that this is Grendel and Selma’s creepy love child.

Beowulf warns Selma that the Danes will kill the kid if they find out about him. Then he buries Grendel on the beach and builds a stone memorial honoring him. The kid watches from the rocks and cries a little, and Beowulf and his remaining men sail home.

This is an interesting one, but not necessarily in a good way. The language is terrible – seriously people, if you’re going to curse, do it well- and the dialogue is, at times, painfully bad. The scenery and the leading actor are both gorgeous, but that’s really all this movie has going for it. Don’t waste your time.

D-

Off in search of popcorn,

M.