Day Eight: Kind Hearts and Coronets

KIND HEARTS AND CORONETS

Starring:
-Dennis Price
-Valerie Hobson
-Joan Greenwood
-Alec Guinness

Directed by: Robert Hamer

Screenplay Credits: Robert Hamer & John Dighton

MPAA Rating: Not Rated

A suave young man, Louis, sits calmly in a jail cell. He is to be executed at eight o’clock the following morning, so he takes the opportunity to compose his memoirs. We flashback as Louis narrates.

A healthy baby, Louis was born to an English mother and an Italian father. His father succumbed to a heart attack upon first laying eyes on the child.

“In the circumstances, it would be understood that I have but slight memory of him.” – Louis

Louis’ mother tells him that his father was a handsome opera singer with whom she fell deeply in love. Her aristocratic family disapproved, but she eloped with him anyway. The two lived quite happily for five years until Louis was born and his father was “off to join the heavenly choir.” Plunged into even deeper poverty, Louis’ mother – dressed head to toe in mourning clothes and wheeling his pram down the street- sends a letter to her family, hoping to be reconciled with them. They never responded. Louis’ mother was forced to take in a lodger. So bitter was she that her son had been denied his fancy schmancy birthright, she schooled him on the history of their family genealogy. Louis’ mother dreams that one day her son will inherit the dukedom.

“In those days, I never had any trouble with the sixth commandment.” – Louis remembers his boyhood

Louis briefly mentions his best friend Sibella before skipping ahead several years. He spends two humiliating years working in a dress shop until one fateful day when his mother – who had broken her glasses and hadn’t the money to have them repaired- was run over by a tram and fatally injured. Her dying wish is to be buried in the family tomb at Chalfont, but her relatives are still pretty P.O.’ed about the whole Italian opera singer business, and they refuse her. Louis vows to avenge her and inherit the dukedom.

“Standing by Mama’s poor little grave in that hideous suburban cemetery, I made an oath that I would revenge the wrongs her family had done her.” – Louis

Louis goes back to study the family tree, and “prunes” it to include only living members. He contemplates a quiet way to do them in all at once, but puts these thoughts to the back of his mind. He is forced to move in with Sibella and her wealthy father and receives several promotions at the dress shop before moving to a larger, “modern store.” Every afternoon during his lunch break, Louis goes in to check the day’s death records to “see how [his] inheritance was proceeding.” When the death column brings good news, he hurries home at the end of the day and crosses people off. But new births in the family equate bad news for Louis.

“The birth of twin sons to the Duke was a terrible blow.” – Louis

Louis finally gets up the courage to propose to Sibella. She tells him he looks silly and they kiss a little. She still refuses to marry him, as she’s just agreed to marry Louis’ childhood rival Lionel. Louis pays for a tour of Chalfont on visiting day and managed to catch a glimpse of the Duke himself. Later on, Ascoyne D’Ascoyne arrives at Louis’ shop counter with a beautiful, much younger woman. Louis hears them making plans to meet in secret and mouths off to them. Louis is fired, and determines to kill this man first. He follows the man and his galpal out in their little watercraft. While they park the boat and nuzzle, Louis swims over and unties them. They begin to drift, then tumble over the waterfall.

Louis goes to the man’s father, Ascoyne D’Ascoyne the elder, to ask for a job at his private banking house. The old timer takes the bait. Louis decides to go after Henry D’Ascoyne, a photographer. Louis poses as a photographer himself in order to catch Henry’s attention. The plan works, and Henry takes Louis to see his darkroom. Louis then meets Henry’s beautiful wife Edith and is instantly attracted to her. He is unable to lie to her, and confesses that he is the son of a D’Ascoyne woman. She is impressed with his honesty and asks him to stay to lunch.

Back in the old nursery, Sibella breaks down and tells Louis that she doesn’t want to marry Lionel. She does anyway, but she doesn’t look too happy about it. The following Saturday, Louis sneaks into Henry’s darkroom and replaces the paraffin in his lamp with petrol. He then naps in the hay for a couple hours until he’s due to visit the couple. Henry takes several pictures, then heads to develop them. A small explosion is heard. Edith doesn’t seem to notice it, preferring to confide that she wishes Henry would find other hobbies besides photography.

“I could hardly point out that Henry now had no time left for any kind of activity, so I continued to discuss his future.” – Louis

The two of them realize that there is an enormous cloud of smoke in the distance. Henry D’Ascoyne is dead. Distraught, Edith asks Louis to accompany her to the funeral. It is here that Louis gets his first glimpse of the remaining family members, all played by Alec Guinness. In drag, Sir Guinness looks a little like Margaret Hamilton.

“I could gladly have struck him.” – Louis

Louis is promoted to the banker’s personal assistant and manages to score a sweet new apartment. Sibella drops in to complain about how dull Lionel is.

“I shall go mad. Already when he touches me, I want to scream.” – Sibella

Louis decides his next victim will be the elderly Reverend D’Ascoyne. The Reverend invites Louis to dinner. After learning that the Reverend has a heart condition, Louis poisons his drink and sets the scene to give the impression that the man had been drinking in excess.

The next victim is definitely my favorite. This is suffragette Lady Agatha D’Ascoyne, yet another character played to perfection by Alec Guinness. Our first shot is one of her walking down the sidewalk, serenely smashing store windows with the handle of her umbrella. Killing Lady Agatha may prove to be difficult, as when she isn’t causing a scene in the name of women’s rights, she is being held in prison. At last she is released, and celebrates her renewed freedom by riding over London in a hot air balloon, dispensing a shower of leaflets as she flies.

Louis is waiting sniper style at the window with a bow and arrow to take her down.

“I shot an arrow in the air, she fell to earth in Berkeley Square.” – Louis

Admiral Lord Horatio D’Ascoyne “scarcely ever set foot to shore,” leaving Louis to wonder how on earth he could be eradicated. Lucky for him, the Admiral has a boat wreck and both ships sink. Because of his stubborn nature and the belief that he should go down with his ship, he is the only causality.

General Lord Rufus D’Ascoyne meets his maker after Louis conceals a simple, yet powerful homemade bomb in a can of caviar. The moment he submerges his knife, BOOM.

“Not an edible thing was left.” – Louis

Louis lucks out and receives another promotion, this time to partner. Lionel comes to him to ask for leniency concerning his loan. Under normal circumstances, he would have been out of luck. But Louis doesn’t want to hurt Sibella, so he cuts Lionel a break. Louis then decides that a respectable amount of time has passed since Henry’s death, so he moves in on the widow Edith D’Ascoyne. He proposes, but she turns him down.

Louis’ employer/partner/relative dude has a stroke. The doctor informs him he’ll have a month or less to live.

“I was glad, after all his kindness to me, that I should not have to kill the old man.”

Meanwhile, Edith has reconsidered Louis’ offer of marriage and has come to accept it. She leaves and Lionel stumbles in drunk whining about money troubles and talking about killing himself.

“I refuse to demean myself by fighting with a drunken elf.” – Louis

Sibella drops in and tries to blackmail Louis into marrying her so that she can divorce her husband instead of him leaving her. Louis calls her bluff and tells her that he’s preparing to announce his engagement to Edith.

Louis goes hunting with the 8th Duke, and stages a hunting accident. After hearing that he had succeeded to the dukedom, Louis employer dies of shock, leaving Louis his half of the business. After announcing his engagement, an inspector from Scotland Yard comes to arrest him for murder…. The murder of Sibella’s husband Lionel. Lionel, as you know, is one of the few people in this movie that Louis didn’t kill.

The case goes to trial in the House of Lords, and Louis is convicted.

Cut back to Louis in his cell. It is a few minutes to eight. Sibella arrives just in the nick of time with the “recently discovered” suicide note. Louis is released and he is greeted at the prison gates by a cheering crowd and two carriages – Edith’s and Sibella’s. A reporter who has been asked to receive publication rights for his memoir approaches him.

Louis suddenly realizes that he has left his incriminating document lying in his cell… oops.

THE END

This is a great movie if you like British humor. It’s a black comedy, and there are dozens of terrific little lines here. I loved seeing Alec Guinness in eight – count them, eight- different roles. It should also be noted that this film demonstrates the proper use of voiceovers, a powerful element that can greatly add to the enjoyment of a picture, provided they are done well.

This one’s a keeper for sure.

Final grade? A-