Day Thirteen: The Big Lebowski

THE BIG LEBOWSKI

Starring:
-Jeff Bridges
-John Goodman
-Julianne Moore
-Steve Buscemi
-John Turturro

Directed by: Joel Coen

Screenplay Credits: Ethan Coen & Joel Coen

MPAA Rating: R – for language and nudity

Jeff “THE DUDE” Lebowski is the kind of man who wears his bathrobe to the grocery store, man. He’s a lot like my former philosophy teacher, so if you know Kippy, just take away the doctorate degree and picture him with long hair, a goatee, and a bowling ball.

Anyway, Jeff comes home from the store and there are a couple of grumpy looking thugs waiting for him. One of them is Asian, but we won’t hold that against him. The white guy grabs Jeff from behind, forces him into the john and starts giving him some major swirlies. He’s yelling something about money, which seems odd because from the look of Jeff’s apartment, he doesn’t have any. The thugs finally realize that they have the wrong Jeffrey Lebowski and they leave, but not before the Asian piddles on the carpet. Bad Asian! Bad!

Cut to the bowling alley, where I start having terrible flashbacks about breaking my toe last summer… That’s not in the movie, but guess what? Steve Buscemi is!
Donnie (Steve), Walter (John) and the Dude are bowling buddies. The Dude is pretty upset about his rug being ruined because it made the whole room “hang together.” The Dude decides that the rich “Big” Lebowski should pay him for the carpet, so he goes to see him.

Philip Seymour Hoffman shows The Dude around the office, pointing out all of Lebowski’s civic achievements. Lebowski rolls in on his scooter chair and boy, is he a jerk. Rich Baldy tells him to shove off. On the way out the door, The Dude grabs a random rug to take home with him. He meets Lebowski’s trophy wife Bunny, who offers him a blowjob for $1000 bucks. In other words, this is a classy lady.

Walter brings his ex-wife’s Pomeranian to bowling practice. Apparently he’s a stickler for the rules, and when an Indian guy does something he doesn’t like, he pulls a gun on him.

The Dude receives a call from the Lebowski mansion asking him to come over. Dude does and learns that Bunny has been kidnapped. Big Lebowski is devastated, and wants Dude to courier the money to the kidnappers.

“He thinks the carpet-pissers did this?” – Dude

Back at the alley, Turturro is a vision in purple. He goes around touching everything before licking his bowling ball and throwing a strike. He dances around a little and blows a kiss to Donnie. This man is Jesus Quintana, a foul-mouthed, perverted bowling champion who is determined to beat the Dude’s team in the league semifinals. One more thing: he polishes his ball really, um, interestingly.

The Dude is chillaxing on his new rug listening to his Walkman when suddenly he looks up to find three new crooks standing above him, one of whom is Julianne Moore. The crook on the left punches him, and he embarks on a musical dream sequence journey. When he comes to, his new rug has been stolen out from under him. Bummer, Dude.

The Dude goes to collect the ransom money from the Big Lebowski. He heads out to make the drop, but Walter hops into the car with a plan to keep the money. Dude can’t stop Walter from going through with his plan, and Walter throws out a suitcase of dirty underwear in place of the money. The kidnappers drive away with the underwear and The Dude starts freaking out. Walter is unfazed and takes the Dude bowling. As they leave the alley, Dude discovers that his car has been stolen, along with the ransom money. Dude gets a call from the Big Lebowski’s daughter Maude. She confesses that she’s the one who took the rug, and asks Dude to come see her.

Maude (Moore) comes flying in on some kind of harness slinging paint everywhere. She’s an artist, apparently, and she and her father don’t get along. She tells Dude that she had to steal the rug back because it has sentimental value. She also confides that Bunny is a nymphomaniac porn actress who is sleeping with pornographer Jackie Treehorn. She claims that Bunny kidnapped herself for money, and that her father embezzled the money from a family charity benefitting orphans.

“This compulsive fornicator is taking my father for the proverbial ride.” – Maude

The Dude is driven home, where he is grabbed and forced into The Big Lebowski’s limo.

“Hey, hey, hey, careful, man! There’s a beverage here!” – Dude

Lebowski has found out that the Dude did not make the payoff, as the kidnappers mailed him one of Bunny’s toes. Walter does not believe that’s really her toe, and insists that the crooks are just messing with them.

“Hell, I can get you a toe by three o’clock this afternoon. With polish.” – Walter

Dude is in the tub when three German bullies bust in with a ferret on a leash. They drop the ferret into the tub and tell Dude if he doesn’t get the money, they’ll come back for his Johnson. Jeepers!

Dude heads back to Maude’s studio, where she tells him that the Germans who threatened his genitals were actually Bunny’s friends from the porn industry. Dude gets thrown out of a cab because he hates the Eagles, and Bunny comes cruising down the freeway with all of her toes intact. Maude seduces Dude and tells him she wants to have his child, but she doesn’t actually want him, you know, involved with it.

Long story short, the kidnapping was a ruse. Bunny neglected to mention that she was going on a trip, and her friends saw this as the perfect opportunity to squeeze some money out of her rich old husband. The Big Lebowski was broke, and didn’t really care whether Bunny lived or died. So he embezzled the million out of the charity fund and kept it for himself, giving Lebowski an empty briefcase to give to the kidnappers. Everything works out in a very bizarre way, but Donny has a fatal heart attack and dies.

Walter and Dude can’t afford an urn, so they have Donny’s ashes put in a Folgers coffee can before shaking them off a cliff overlooking the beach. Walter and the Dude go bowling, and we learn that a little Lebowski is on the way.

The best thing about this movie is the dialogue… sometimes. The language is incredibly foul, but there are some lines that are absolutely hilarious. Having said that, this is not one of my new favorites. It’s really, really weird. The Coens are smoking something, that’s all I’ve got to say.

I think I’ll stick with Raising Arizona…

Grade: B-