Day Nineteen: The Mask of Zorro

THE MASK OF ZORRO

Starring:
-Antonio Banderas
-Catherine Zeta Jones
-Anthony Hopkins

Directed by: Martin Campbell

Screenplay Credits: John Eskow, Ted Elliott, & Terry Rossio

MPAA Rating: PG-13 – some intense action and violence


Pray for mercy from…. PUSS in boots!

Okay, sorry. Wrong movie. For those of you who don’t know, Antonio Banderas absolutely stole my heart several years ago via an adorable little computerized kitty cat swordfighter on SHREK 2. Don’t judge me. I like kid movies. It all goes back to the fact that I am a well-rounded and discerning individual. Despite often being categorized as an “old soul”, I am decidedly young at heart. Therefore, I can appreciate Antonio Banderas in any form he chooses to present himself in: either as hunky Latin swordfighter Zorro, or as adorable kitty in wee little boots with over-large eyes Puss.

I’ll admit there may be something wrong with me though, as I would much rather snuggle up with cuddly Puss than sweaty showoff Zorro.

BUT! That is beside the point. Today’s story, boys and girls, is aaaaaaaaall about ZORRO! PRAY FOR MERCY! AHA!

We start out with a bad guy, Montero, who has chosen three random townsfolk to be executed. This isn’t just because he’s mean as a snake; rather, he wants to lure Zorro into the center of town to capture him. But Zorro swoops in right on schedule and rescues the captives before tossing some forget-me-not jewelry to a couple of young brothers, Joaquin and Alejandro (henceforth known as Jo and Alex). After saving another day, Zorro rides home to his secret Batcave underneath the waterfall.

Here are two reasons to like Zorro right off the bat: his horse has a perm and he’s got a wicked cool fireplace. Anyway, he goes into the nursery to smooch on the cutest darn baby you’ve ever seen. This is his little girl Elena. In comes his wife, Esperanza. It should be noted that she’s obviously several years his junior; yeah, Zorro’s cool like that.

So anyway, Zorro’s all, “Whoa, let’s have five kids.”

And Esperanza’s all, “Sure, let’s do it.”

And they suck face. But UH-OH, there are some uniformed bullies in the foyer with Montero and they’re pretty determined to arrest Zorro. Zorro’s not having any of that though and he fights back. But Esperanza sees one of them coming after her hubby and she flings herself in the blade’s path. She dies. Duh.

Montero is not happy about this, because he loved Esperanza too. He tells Zorro that he never wanted any harm to come to her.

“She was never yours to protect.” – Zorro

Zing!

The baby is crying and Zorro makes for her, but Montero slams him down and makes off with Elena. See, that pisses me off right there. It’s a good thing this is a revenge picture. Gosh, I love revenge pictures.

It’s twenty years later, and Jo and Alex (the Murrieta brothers) are bandits. Is anybody surprised? Didn’t think so. The Brothers are working with Three-Fingered Jack. They’re a kinky gang, and after they rob you they tie you naked to cacti. As they ride off from their latest victory, they are met by some white soldiers. Three-Fingered Jack is shot down instantly and captured. Jo is wounded, but Alex runs and hides among the cacti. Rather than be killed by white folk, Jo shoots himself. Crazy white guy isn’t bothered. He just dismounts and lops off poor Jo’s head. Old Zorro’s fancy medallion goes flying. They carry the head off in a bag and Alex scoops up the medallion and cries a little, poor guy.

Cut to the nasty old jail. It’s Montero, and he’s got a few years on him. He’s come to look at the prisoners in hopes of finding old Zorro. But when the prisoners find out that’s who Montero wants, they all start claiming to be the masked man in black. But Sir Anthony’s eyes are instantly recognizable, and the audience can plainly see that he’s the quiet old dude who blows off his leg shackles and plays dead so that he can get hauled out.

Old Zorro is buried in a shallow grave and boy howdy, is it creepy when he comes busting out. Anyway, we see that Montero and creepy white soldier who beheaded Jo are in cahoots.

The town has assembled to greet Montero on his return. Old Zorro is there to kill him, but then he spots Elena (who grew up to be Catherine Zeta Jones) and exercises a little something I like to call “self control”, which is something a lot of men have trouble with when exposed to a beautiful woman (although if you ask me, her eyes are too squinty).

One of the locals presents Elena with some native flowers. Although she believes this to be her first visit to California, Elena thinks she recognizes their scent.

Cut to Alex, drunk and dirty in the bar. He slurs around drinking whiskey, but when he runs out of money he tries to pawn off his brother’s Zorro medallion for more booze. It is then that I began to realize that with a little more pot smoking, this would be an awesome Cheech and Chong movie.

Old Zorro creeps up and demands to know where the necklace came from. Alex tells him it was his dead brother's, then just happens to look up and spot the crazy white guy who killed him. It is then that Alex must utter the line that I’m sure is found in every spaghetti western ever made ever: “Thas tha man who keeled my brother.”

What follows is my favorite scene so far: drunken Alex tries to fight Zorro. He fails miserably.

“Would you care to try again?” – Old Zorro

Alex realizes that this is Zorro. Z takes Al back to his cave for a chat. Old Zorro signs Alex up for the Young Zorro training program; they talk about circles, and get to work. After they fight for a little while, Old Z takes the newbie to have a bath and a haircut.

At last Alex slips the mask on over those sexy milk chocolate eyes of his and runs smack dab into Elena on her horse. Her accent is horrible, but her hair is fabulous.

Alex has decided to steal the black horse he saw in town earlier. He sneaks into the stable and tries to reason with the animal.

“Listen… I’m going to give you the great honor… of being my horse.” – Alex

I know women who would like it if Antonio Banderas said that to them, but this Black Beauty is less than impressed and tries to throw him off.

Banderas runs into a church to hide and bumps into Father Felipe, Original Zorro’s good buddy from the old days. The priest sticks Alex into the confessional, not knowing that Elena was waiting to speak with him on the other side. Alex spots her and pretends to be the priest.

Elena: I have broken the fourth commandment, Padre.
Alex: You keeled somebody?
Elena: No! That is not the fourth commandment.
Alex: Of course not…In what way did you break THE MOST SACRED of commandments.
Elena: I dishonored my father.
Alex: That ees not so bad. Maybe your father deserved it.

Elena admits that she’s feeling a little lusty towards a bandit she saw. Alex tells her that’s cool and sends her on her way before cutting a hole in the top of the confessional and escaping.

Alex returns to Zorro to brag about his new horsy, but Diego is not impressed. Alex is getting antsy. He wants to do things his way and tries to storm off, but Diego stops him and knocks the sword out of his hand with a spoon. He then tells Alex that his next assignment will be going to a fancy dinner party dressed as a nobleman.

Somehow I feel it would make a bolder statement (and be far more entertaining) if he went to the party in a red dress and heels, but even Zorro isn’t man enough to pull that off.

Alex attends the dinner and manages to impress Montero and leap around doing a sexy dance with Elena. I can’t help but think that this part would have been much sexier if choreographed by Quentin Tarantino… but, I digress.

Alex is invited to the meeting of the Dons where Montero reveals his master plan to create The Independent Republic of California. The next day, Montero takes Alex and the Dons to El Dorado, a secret gold mine where criminals and poor folks are slaves, forced to work the mines. Montero’s evil master plan is to buy California from Santa Anna with this gold… of course, Santa Anna will have no idea the land was bought with his own money. Alex spots dirty, sad looking children working and is sad.

Suddenly Three-Fingered Jack appears. The old coot is still alive and working in the mines. He insults White Guy Solider, who shoots him again. The Dons laugh because someone said a funny word (“Peckerwood?”) and wander off, leaving Alex to go over and share a knowing smile with Three Fingered Jack before he shuffles off his mortal coil…this time for good.

As the men take to their coaches, White Guy tells Alex he wants to have a word with him in private, presumably because he is suspicious.

Meanwhile back at the stables, Elena has come to talk to Old Zorro about Alex.

Alex goes to see White Guy, who offers him a drink as he presents a jar with his brother’s head floating in it. He then produces a similar jar with Three-Fingered Jack’s crippled hand bobbing around. Besides the initial shock, Alex handles this well and manages to get out of there.

Elena is wandering around in the market when an older lady comes up and gives her a scarf. The woman claims she was Elena’s nanny, who hung flowers on her crib when she was little. Elena looks sick and refuses to accept the scarf.

Back in the Batcave, Diego convinces Alex that he has to steal the map to the mine from Montero’s house. Diego warns the men that Zorro is on to them by burning a huge Z into the field. White Guy Captain’s solution to the problem is to blow the mine – and all the people working there- to smithereens. Zorro manages to snatch the map right out from under their noses. At last, Alex comes face to face with White Guy. Some guards run up, and Alex has a very creative way of getting rid of them. He then returns White Guy’s sword so that they can fight fair, but I’m here to tell you that if that would have been me, I would have run that sucker through without a second thought, only stopping to utter the ominous whisper, “Dat was for my broder, you bastert.”

White Guy and Alex fight a while before the other soldiers show up. Alex escapes them, but Elena witnesses this. She follows Alex to the stables and demands the map that he stole from Montero. She pulls a sword on him. She really means business when she comes out of her robe.

Somehow Alex and Elena manage to make out and sword-fight at the same time. I truly feel that if more couples found a way to incorporate this particular kind of foreplay/jousting, the divorce rates would plummet. Subsequently, the birth rates would probably sky rocket, but who cares? Every baby could be great. Let’s ban abortions and mandate constant sex.

What was I saying? Oh yeah. Alex makes a few improvements to Elena’s wardrobe before smooching her hard and dashing away. Montero and Captain Crazy White Guy come running in, just missing the masked man. Montero asks Elena if she could recognize the man.

Elena: No…but he was young and vigorous. He was very vigorous, father.
Montero: Vigorous.
Elena: YES!

At this moment I must decree that “He was very vigorous, father” is the greatest line in this entire film. Also, the face Elena makes when she breathlessly and enthusiastically says “Yes!” even gets me a little excited.

Unfortunately, I’ve never had the good fortune to have my clothes shredded by a handsome, mocha-skinned bandito…but I’m still young.

I’ll cut to the chase. The Bad guys are all set to blow up the mine and all the workers, but Old Zorro sends Alex to release them on his own so that he can see to defeating Montero. He comes to Montero and forces him to tell Elena the truth. Diego doesn’t want Elena to see him killed, so he allows himself to be captured.

Diego – or rather, his stunt double- is thrown into prison, but Elena comes to rescue him. They head for the mine, where Alex is busy playing keep away with the gold bars. Diego and Montero fight while Alex and Captain Crazy have a showdown of their own. Elena begs her father to spare Montero’s miserable little life. Stupidly, he obliges and Montero holds a gun to Elena’s throat before shooting Diego.

Alex manages to avenge both his brother Jo and Three-Finger Jack and the wounded Diego hitches Montero to the wagon full of gold and sends it flying through the air, finally crushing Captain Dirtbag. Alex runs back to Elena. He isn’t wearing his mask anymore, so she sees his true idendity, but there’s no time to mack because they’ve got all these criminals and poor people to save.

Of course they set the people free and come walking triumphantly through the smoke with a couple of dirty waifs clinging to them. They come up on Diego, who is breathing his last. Diego finally passes the official Zorro title on to Alex and gooshes over Elena one last time. He gives the happy couple his blessings and croaks. Bummer for Elena, who had to lose two dads in one day, but only one of them was actually worth something.

Cut to Alex telling infamous Zorro stories to a cute baby boy, appropriately named Joaquin after Alex’s fallen brother.

Elena tells Alex she plans on dreaming about Zorro – join the club, sister- and wonders what face she should give him.

“He has been many different men, but he has loved you as all of them.” – Alex

They make out a bit more before the man in black –Zorro, not Johnny Cash- enters the frame to slash his fiery signature at us.

Believe it or not, this movie is really, really funny. Many times it’s paced more like a broad comedy than an adventure film. I liked this choice, as it adds to the whole grand Zorro legend that’s been built up over the years. Banderas is just as cute as he can be and I loved his antics with the horse. If for any reason I become a horse one day, that’s the kind I want to be. Saucy.

One last totally unrelated comment before I give my final ruling: Lately I have been getting flack from some of my comrades about the length of my hair. Some feel it is too long, adding to the illusion that I’m about 12 years old. Now, after seeing this movie, I feel I am finally prepared to defend myself against their accusations. From now on I will simply tell them that I keep my long hair for one reason and one reason only… to cover my Zetas when I’m playing Zorro.

FINAL GRADE: A+

Off in search of a mask,

M.