Day Fifteen: Beowulf & Grendel

BEOWULF & GRENDEL

Starring:
-Gerard Butler
-Stellan Skarsgard
-Sarah Polley
-Ingvar Sigurdsson

Directed by: Sturla Gunnarsson

Screenplay Credits: Andrew Rai Berzins

MPAA Rating: R – violence, language, and some sexuality



I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “The only reason she’s doing this movie is so she can stare at dirty, long-haired Gerard Butler in various stages of undress.”

And you would be right.

I see no reason to be ashamed of my feelings.

The year is 500 A.D. We’re watching a little baby toddler troll frolic and play with his big daddy troll in a pretty meadow. But uh-oh. Mean human soldiers on horseback are riding hard and heading straight for the troll family, determined to put a stop to all this frivolity. Big daddy troll grabs up little troll (How freaky is it to see a toddler with facial hair? Very.) and makes a run for it. They come up on a cliff, so Big Daddy hides little toddler on a little shelf on the side of the cliff and turns to face the approaching soldiers.

The soldiers aren’t happy, obviously. Soldiers rarely are in movies, unless they’ve got a weekend pass and are hitting up a bordello in Shanghai. They kill poor Mr. Troll and, although the main soldier man spots little baby toddler, he is silent and has his men ride on.

Toddler baby goes wandering off down the beach to find his Troll Daddy. When he finds his ole pappy’s lifeless body, he pokes at it a few minutes before finally deciding he’s dead and whacking his head off. Weird, I know, but just go with it. He cuddles the head a few moments, then carries it home, sets it up on a shelf, and stares at it for the next twenty or so years until he himself becomes a full grown troll with incredibly hairy legs.

He’s still really upset about the whole murder thing. You can tell by how he sits there rocking in the fetal position and moaning. So he goes up on a mountaintop to scream and beat himself in the head with a rock. You think I’m kidding, but I’m not.

So the troll waits until nightfall to come skulking down out of the mountains. He hits the night watchman on the head, then creeps into the great hall where all the soldiers are sleeping and tears them apart. Most of them have had their heads torn off, but some of them are hanging decoratively from hooks in the ceiling. Needless to say, the King of Danes isn’t happy to find all his men dead, but he really shouldn’t have killed that poor troll’s daddy. Hindsight really is 20/20.

Cut to Geatland, where Gerard Butler comes slogging his fine self out from the ocean. He comes up on a greasy old man and tells him that his name is Beowulf and that he was out hunting walrus when “a storm came up and ate our boat.” The man – who is largely unintelligible- gives Beowulf a bowl of grub and lets him sit by his fire.

You can’t always tell what Gerard is saying either, but he’s drop dead gorgeous, so it doesn’t matter much. Anyway, Beowulf vows to avenge the Danes. So he and his buddies load up on a boat (he’s got his swim trunks, and his flippy floppies) and head out. Beowulf is leaning on the side of the boat looking all pensive when a hand reaches out of the ocean and makes a grab for him. Everybody nods thoughtfully like this means something, but I have no idea what.

Cut back to the King, who has his remaining men out and about with torches, calling for the troll and demanding a rematch. The troll creeps up on one of the soldiers, clocks him so hard his head twists around backwards, then launches the corpse at the king. The King and the Troll lock eyes. It’s all very dramatic until the troll scampers off and the King stands there screaming, “TROOOOLLLLLLL!” for a while.

A mangled ship washes up on the shore and the King has the fallen soldier’s body burned. The Queen goes to see her witch friend Selma to make sure that the troll isn’t going to squash her husband. Selma assures her that her husband will die happily in his sleep.

Beowulf and his homies roll up on the shore and are met by one of the King’s men. They timidly approach each other, being all respectful and stuff, and I can’t help but think about how different the world would be if women had been running things. Beowulf’s men are lead into the village, and Big B is instantly captivated with Selma, probably because she’s all sexy and windblown. The King comes running out of the hall in his nightshirt to greet the newcomers.

KING: Beowulf! Somehow I think of you smaller…
BEOWULF: I was eight when I left.

Beowulf comes in for a beer and checks out all the women. Then he gets up and makes a big speech about how he’s gonna beat the crap outta that darn troll and kill him until he’s dead.

That very night the troll comes to their front porch, pees all over the door and groans really inappropriately then vanishes. What’s next, a flaming bag of dog poop? Is he going to roll their yard?

So the next day the soldiers set out on a quest to climb the troll’s mountain and pay him a little visit. They travel on horseback as long as they can, but eventually they must continue up the steep and rocky cliff on foot.

“I tell ya, this troll must be one tough prick. Do this climb every night after supper?” – Soldier

The troll’s a sharp fella, so he’s got his hillside outfitted with a few booby-traps to slow the soldiers up. I know Gerard needs his goofy helmet for cranial protection and all, but I do wish he’d take it off once and awhile to let me ogle him. Don’t judge me too harshly, because this is very light ogling. It’s more like a quick glance, then my imagination fills in the rest. See, when men ogle, they’re creepy and lecherous about it. Women ogling take one look at the guy, then close their eyes and try to imagine him smoking a pipe by the fire and reading “Twas the Night Before Christmas” to their three beautiful children. That’s how women ogle.

Anyway, with the soldiers busy climbing, troll man is playing bowling with a bunch of decomposing severed heads. When he pegs one, he skips around and prances, tumbling and giggling like a little girl at a gymnastics meet.

The soldiers take a break by a beautiful waterfall and the priest takes the opportunity to baptize any soldiers who are antsy about meeting their maker sooner than previously anticipated. But Beowulf has no time for the healing waters, as he must rush off and flirt with crazy haired sexy witch lady. She is cold as ice, let me tell you, and she warns Beowulf that the troll’s death will be bad for both the Geats and the Danes. She leaves him with one parting admonition to be careful with the things he doesn’t understand.

Beowulf comes to the King and asks him if there is maybe some reason that the troll is all hell bent on killing soldiers. At nightfall the men hear strange sounds and come running out of their hidey-hole. Boy howdy, Gerard has his action movie hero face down pat.

The next day, Beowulf is chilling in Selma’s hut when he hears a noise. He races outside and spots Grendel lumbering off. Beowulf chases after him, but Grendel refuses to fight.

“Why should he? You’ve done nothing to him.” – Selma

Beowulf asks Selma why Grendel was hanging out around her hut, but she puts him off. Then he goes to the King and asks if he has an opinion as to why Mr. Troll is only after the Danes. The King pulls a Selma and skirts the issue. Beowulf and his buds roll up on a village crazy (and terrible over-actor) who knows where Grendel’s cave is. The man leads them there, but the cliff is so high they don’t have rope to get down to it. One of the men pees off the side of the cliff and they leave. On the boat ride home, Beowulf spots a little redheaded boy leaping around the rocks. That weird sea creature hand comes up from the water and tries to grab one of the men off the boat, but the others pull him back.

The next morning, the village crazy is found dead and beaten to a bloody pulp outside the hall. Beowulf’s all like “bummer,” but I’m happy about it because it means there’ll be no more watching him try to act.

At last they get a long enough rope and sneak into Grendel’s cave. Grendel is a very messy housekeeper, or maybe he just wasn’t expecting guests. Either way, one of Beowulf’s men discovers the shrine to Grendel’s daddy and crushes the nasty old skull. He’s looking really happy with himself, but the other soldiers just stand there with their jaws hanging open in disbelief. None of them say anything, but I’m pretty sure they’re all thinking something along the lines of: “Duuuude.”

When Grendel comes home to find the smashed skull he’s pretty upset, but looks to me like it could be fixed with some Krazy Glue. Grendel sniffs the skull, then goes out on the cliff to clap and moan and throw rocks and smear blood all over his face.

Again, may I point out, if these were women, they’d all get together for lunch, vent out their frustrations, have a good cry, and become BFFs. Not so with the men.

Naturally, Grendel impales the night guard and then runs into the hall to snap necks and stuff. Gerard thinks he’s pretty slick, so he tackles Grendel and tries to tie him up. Obviously this doesn’t work. Grendel shakes him off and runs free. But he does leap off the roof of the hall and get his arm caught in one of Beowulf’s traps. Rather than be a prisoner, Grendel hacks his own arm off at the shoulder and goes running off. It’s gross.

He runs down to the beach and into the water, where he finally sinks down and dies. That creepy hand comes up to grab him and drag him off and he back-floats out of the frame. The King admits to Beowulf that he killed Grendel’s father. Beowulf asks why the king killed the troll.

“He took a fish.” – King

Seriously? A fish? This whole movie has been about fish theft? Geez.

The men are celebrating and passing Grendel’s arm around like a trophy. They toast to the end of gloom and grab up some wenches to paw on. Beowulf and the King talk about bestiality, but it’s okay because when Gerard Butler laughs, even the angels weep with joy.

Gerry goes to see Selma. She finally tells him that Grendel burst in one night and had his creepy troll way with her (for about two seconds). This gets Gerry all hot and bothered and he makes a move, but Selma slaps him. Then she thinks better of it and jumps his bones.

A big creepy sea hag rolls into the hall, sees her baby’s arm nailed to a post and screeches like a banshee. She snatches the arm and takes off. The soldiers hurry down to the sea caves and Gerry swims down further to investigate. He finds Grendel’s body lying under a waterfall. The sea hag shrieks again and tries to choke Beowulf. He brains her with a rock, finds a sword, and kills her. Out from behind the rocks comes the little red-headed boy, also brandishing a sword. Gerry makes the connection that this is Grendel and Selma’s creepy love child.

Beowulf warns Selma that the Danes will kill the kid if they find out about him. Then he buries Grendel on the beach and builds a stone memorial honoring him. The kid watches from the rocks and cries a little, and Beowulf and his remaining men sail home.

This is an interesting one, but not necessarily in a good way. The language is terrible – seriously people, if you’re going to curse, do it well- and the dialogue is, at times, painfully bad. The scenery and the leading actor are both gorgeous, but that’s really all this movie has going for it. Don’t waste your time.

D-

Off in search of popcorn,

M.