Day Fourteen: That's Entertainment

THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT

Written, Produced, & Directed by: Jack Haley, Jr.

When this film hit theatres in 1974, it was preceded with a publicity reel with the tagline, “Boy, do we need it now.” This musical documentary was pulled together to help celebrate the 50th anniversary of MGM Studios. Haley cut together some of the greatest moments of MGM musicals, presented by some of the stars of those movies. This movie really does have nearly every MGM great you could ever think of, including Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire, Bing Crosby, the love of my life Jimmy Stewart, Esther Williams, Elizabeth Taylor, Jimmy Durante, Debbie Reynolds, Peter Lawford, Liza Minnelli, Donald O’Conner, Mickey Rooney, and Frank Sinatra.

After the overture, the film’s dedication reads:

“Over the years, under the leadership of Louis B. Mayer and others, MGM produced a series of musical films whose success and artistic merit remain unsurpassed in motion picture history. There were literally thousands of people…artists, craftsmen, and technicians…who poured their talents into the creation of the great MGM musicals. This film is dedicated to them.”

Frank Sinatra comes waltzing out of an MGM office building to set the mood of the film and introduces scenes from some of the earliest musicals of the 1930s, 40s, and 50s.

One scene in particular is “A Pretty Girl is Like a Melody.” It’s outstandingly extravagant. Imagine a backdrop of twinkling stars, hundreds of tuxedo-clad men and women wearing nothing but ruffles on an ENORMOUS revolving staircase. Seriously, this thing is huge. There’s no telling how long it took to build, or how much money it cost. If they wanted to film a number like that these days, they’d just CGI the staircase and call it a day.

In another clip, Jimmy Durante tells a young, young, YOUNG Frank Sinatra, “Why, you could be as big as Bing!” haha

Elizabeth Taylor glides down a staircase in a blue and silver muumuu to talk about coming to MGM at the tender age of 10. She does have beautiful eyes, but I don’t think they’re violet like people say. I think they’re just plain old blue. Anyway, Liz talks briefly about Lena Horne, one of the whitest black women (with the biggest mouth) I’ve ever seen. I’m sorry to say that most of you will only remember Lena as that lady who sang “How Do You Do?” with Grover on Sesame Street.

We then spend entirely too much time on June Allyson, whom I’ve never cared for. She’s too…smiley. But her frequent co-star Peter Lawford is pretty darn cute in a lanky, British Jew sort of way.

Lawford himself strolls out of one of the sets looking like a Carradine brother with shaggy silver hair and a cowboy jacket to present more clips. He hands the mic to Jimmy Stewart, who discusses the change over from silent films to talkies, and the problem of finding musical talent. A young Joan Crawford –who was a total slut, rest her soul- and Jean Harlow were both dramatic actresses who tried to be musical stars. Neither found success in this endeavor. One film, a musical called “Susie” cast the biggest love of my life, Cary Grant, opposite Harlow. Grant talk/sings his way through his big musical number. Apparently he thinks he’s Maurice Chevalier, because he’s got a crazy lot of vibrato going on there. Stewart himself and Clark Gable are other actors the studio tried unsuccessfully to force into the musical mold. While Gable was a surprisingly good dancer, his singing is about what you’d expect it to be. Imagine him with straw hat and cane singing “Puttin’ on the Ritz.” Go ahead. Laugh. You know you want to.

At last we get to Judy Garland, and all the homosexuals in the audience breathe a sigh of relief. Mickey Rooney comes toddling down the Andy Hardy set to talk about being raised in the studio. Mickey’s all well and good, but all people really want to talk to him about is his pal Judy. I don’t think the two of them ever made a picture together that didn’t feature the line, “How ‘bout it, kids?!” enthusiastically delivered. Poor Mickey. Judy’s talent wasn’t the only thing that eclipsed him.

We move on to Gene Kelly, another man whom I will love until I draw my dying breath. He’s incredibly comical and effortless all at the once. He talks about tappers, namely Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. It is important to note that Ginger Rogers did absolutely everything Fred did… only she did it backwards and in heels. Up hill! Both ways! In the snow!

Remember that scene in “Royal Wedding” where Fred Astaire dances all over the walls and the ceiling, seemingly all in one continuous shot? Yeah, if anybody has any insights on how the heck they did that, I’ve wanted to know my entire life.

Donald O’Conner comes out to talk about Esther Williams and all the leading men she swam with. Esther was pretty amazing. I can’t open my eyes underwater, and she’s down there whooping out all those mermaid moves, holding her breath, and smiling. With her eyes open and everything.

Donald switches things to Debbie Reynolds, who talks about the meal MGM once gathered all its heavy-hitters to enjoy. The camera pans across people like Gene Kelly, Ann Miller, Sinatra, Gable, Hepburn, Tracy, Angela Lansbury, young Howard Keel and countless others gabbing and stuffing their faces. It’s so strange to see all of them sitting beside one another just like… well, like they’re normal people.

We briefly mention Ann Miller before switching over to look at Kathryn Grayson a moment. Donald O’Conner makes ‘em laugh before the Show Boat full of garishly dressed thespians rolls in and I’m reminded of what a terrible father Howard Keel is. In the movie, I mean. Still, he was a sexy, sexy terrible father. A lot of people forget that this movie has Agnes Moorehead in it – Endora from Bewitched- but she’s there in all her harping, shrewish glory. It also has Ava Gardener, and Marge and Gower Champion, the coolest married couple dance team just ever. And, I’m gonna go ahead and admit this, every time a big black man sings “Old Man River” I have a hard time keeping it together. For some reason, that song cracks me up. I know it’s really inappropriate, because it’s about the pain of black people, but I can’t help it. That’s just how I feel.

Ooooooooold maaaan riiiiiveeeerrrrrr, he jusssssssssssss’ keeeeeeps rollin’, aaaaaaaaaaalooooooooooooooooong!

Come on. That’s funny.

Fred Astaire comes walking past the dilapidated train station set to talk about Gene Kelly’s “rough and tumble kind of acrobatic dancing” and BOY has he got some muscular legs. I mean, Astaire doesn’t actually say that, but he’s probably thought it before.

“Seven Brides for Seven Brothers” has long been one of my favorites, and not just because barrel-chested Howard Keel manhandles a bevy of beautiful women, tickling them all with his fake facial hair. Okay, that’s actually the main reason.

Leslie Caron isn’t one of my favorites, nor is GIGI, but I do love the aforementioned Chevalier in a top hat singing “Thank Heaven for Little Girls.” Of course, Leslie Caron also co-starred in AN AMERICAN IN PARIS with Gene Kelly, a film that both Sinatra and I consider to be MGM’s masterpiece. I will never forget the first time I saw this one. I remember being absolutely captivated.

This is going to make me sound like an old person, but I’m going to say it anyway. They don’t make them like they used to. It seems to me that gone are the days of watching big stars play all over sweeping sets, dancing in fountains and leaping off the walls. You won’t see spectacle and magic like this in films anymore, only naked woman and explosions. Don’t get me wrong, I love explosions as well as the next guy, but there’s nothing in the world like seeing huuuuge musical numbers with hundreds of extras and chorus girls.

In those days, MGM truly did have more stars than the heavens, and that’s why THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT still shines so brightly today.

A++

Off in search of more old Hollywood magic as well as popcorn,

M.