Day Fifteen: L.A. Story

L.A. STORY

Starring:
-Steve Martin
-Victoria Tennant
-Marilu Henner

Directed by: Mick Jackson

Screenplay Credits: Steve Martin

MPAA Rating: PG-13


Okay, so I’m a little biased. THE JERK is one of my favorite movies, and I just know that no matter how many stops L.A. STORY pulls out, it simply isn’t going to be as good. I guess it’s wrong to shoot this one down before I even sit down to watch it, but I can’t help myself. Put down your pitchforks, people. Not everything Steve Martin touches is solid gold. Remember ROXANNE? Of course you don’t.

Okay. Pressing the play button now.

It’s a beautiful day in Los Angeles. Gorgeous women lounge by the pool. Suburban neighbors clad in bathrobes waltz out their front doors to fetch their morning papers. Limos full of important people cruise up and down the strip. You get the idea. Life is good here.

Harris Telemacher (Martin) is enjoying his morning workout at the stationary bike-riding park (no running allowed). Harris isn’t one to wait for traffic, so he takes his regular shortcut to work, driving across neighbors’ yards and driveways, through sewers, even down several flights of cement stairs in order to arrive in time. As soon as he swings into his designated parking space, he is ambushed by his costumers and makeup crew, who prepare him for the camera.

Harris is a “wacky weekend weatherman” for the local television station. His weather report is… interesting, to say the least. It’s certainly more of a comedy bit that a useful, informative segment, and the desk anchors’ disdain for him is obvious.

Harris heads back to his apartment to fiddle with a Newton’s Cradle, which makes me feel rather churlish because I always thought they were cool and bought one for myself with my babysitting money when I was in the fifth grade and my mom’s horrible cat knocked it off my desk and broke it into about twelve tiny pieces and I was never reimbursed for that even though it was her stupid cat that broke it and I purchased it with my very own hard-earned money and am still very bitter about it.

Marilu Henner is wearing a very bright pink blazer and messing with her lips. Steve Martin harangues her about how long it takes her to get ready. The couple is headed out to have lunch with “friends and friends of friends.” Exasperated, Steve goes to wait for her in the car. When she finally leaves the apartment, she’s now in yellow and wondering whether or not she should head back in to change. They make it to the freeway, where Steve has a shootout with a truck driver and an old lady. At last they make it to the café. Marilu shrieks obnoxiously as all of her friends arrive. She clamors to hug and kiss them. They all look like incredibly fake jerks. Some of them even have bandages from recent plastic surgeries.

Marilu: Sheila has been studying the art of conversation.
Harris: Oh, you’re taking a course in conversation?
Sheila: …yes.
*silence*

Suddenly a charmingly offbeat woman arrives, fresh off a plane from London, joins her friends and takes a seat at the table, and starts pulling boomerangs out of her bag. Her name is Sarah and she’s here to write an article on L.A. for the London Times. An earthquake hits. Glasses start clinking and tables start shifting around. The Californians don’t bat an eye. They all order irritatingly fancy coffees and bid each other adieu.

Harris is clearly charmed by Sarah’s goofiness and goes to a trendy fashion boutique to try on a pair of freakishly white pants. A young, spunky looking salesgirl (Sarah Jessica Parker) lies between his legs to measure his inseam. Harris decides to buy the pants and SJP tells him he can come back for them Wednesday.

On the way home from the shop, the car breaks down on the side of the freeway, directly in front of a signpost. Harris pops the hood and is looking around inside the car when the signpost starts to write messages for him. It says “HIYA” and “R. U. OK?” before asking Harris to hug it. Although he feels silly, Harris hugs the signpost. The signpost is pleased. It tells Harris that it sees people in trouble and stops them. According to the sign, L.A. wants to help Harris. It then gives Harris a riddle to solve, “U Will know what 2 do when u unscramble how daddy is doing.”

Marilu drops Harris off at his place. The next morning shows both Harris and Sarah waking up in their respective beds. Sarah takes a shower… Harris takes his blood pressure. Harris decides to take a shower too, and turns the shower knob from “ON” to “SLO MO” so he can move in slow motion to match the dreamy background music. The mail arrives while Harris is munching a bowl of cereal. He slides the wastebasket over to the mail slot to catch all the junk. Sarah sits serenely on her patio, wearing nothing but a soft white bathrobe and practicing her tuba.

Harris goes to pick up his friend Ariel at her apartment.

“I could never be a woman. I would just stay home and play with my breasts all day.” – Harris

They go to the county art museum armed with only a video camera and a pair of sneakers with wheels that pop out, turning them into roller skates. Ariel films him skating wildly through each wing of the museum.

“I call it performance art, but my friend Ariel calls it wasting time. History will decide.” – Harris

Sarah shows up, ready for her tour of the city. They cruise around looking at fancy houses and museums before winding up in the cemetery. Rick Moranis is hard at work digging a grave, but stops the pair to crack a few jokes.

“Finally. A funny gravedigger.” - Harris

Gravedigger Rick offers up a skull, and Sarah makes the obvious Shakespeare reference. They flirt a bit before both leaving for work. At the studio, Harris pre-tapes the weekend weather report, loudly declaring that L.A. will have sun, sun, and more sun. Of course, the weekend brings buckets of rain. Harris finally heads down to the trendy fashion place to pick up his pants where he bumps into SJP again. She’s dancing in the rain and tells him his pants aren’t ready before having him write his number on her palm. On the drive home, Harris passes the signpost, which now reads, “U SHOULD HAVE GOT HER NUMBER.”

The phone rings in Harris’ apartment and it’s SJP inviting him to Hard Rock Café. He goes and learns that her name is SanDeE*.

“Big ‘s’, small ‘a’, small ‘n’, big ‘d’, small ‘e’ big ‘e’. With a little star at the end.” – SanDeE

That’s too much trouble to type, so I’m just going to call her SJP still. SJP tells him she’s studying to be a spokesmodel, and she’s trying a new open relationship with her geeky looking boyfriend.

Harris: What made you want to be a spokesmodel?
SJP: Well, I always liked pointing.

SJP asks him if he’s ever had a high colonic before smooching him wildly and saying goodnight. The next day, Marilu Henner confesses that she’s been sleeping with his agent… for three years.

“This has been going on since the 80s!?!?!” – Harris

Harris is thrilled to be out of his relationship and his partnership with his crummy agent. He celebrates with a crazy dance before going to have a chat with the signpost. The signpost informs Harris that the weather is going to change his life…twice.

Harris is then fired from the station. That’s one. Harris goes to see Ariel to vent about his relationship woes.

“If confusion about your love life is ruining your day, I think it’s good to go over to your best friend’s house and ruin her day, too.” – Harris

“I hate to tell you this, Harris, but if you can find somebody you can have sex with AND lie in bed and watch TV with, you’ve really got something.” - Ariel

SJP takes Harris out for a lunch, then an enema at the California Colonic Institute. Patrick Stewart gives Harris a hard time about getting a reservation at a swank new restaurant, so he and SJP decided to go to Santa Barbara for the weekend.

He goes off skating through another museum with Ariel, but slips in a wet spot on the floor and ends up crashing into Sarah, of all people, and one of their mutual pals. The foursome ends up walking around together analyzing works. They stop at one and Harris goes into great detail describing the torrid scene, but when the camera shoots it, it’s only a huge canvas of red splotches.

They decide to go to dinner together and wind up at the fancy place Harris couldn’t get in before. The waiter even offers them dental floss: “diet or regular?” After the meal, Sarah drives Harris home. They’re standing outside the car when it begins to roll away. The keys are locked inside. Sarah and Harris try to stop the car until the lights pop on and the doors magically open. Harris realizes that this must be a sign and tells Sarah to hurry and get in the car. The car coasts them straight to the signpost off the freeway, which reads: KISS HER, YOU FOOL. He does, but he doesn’t really manage to get her attention. The sign says: KISS HER AGAIN. He does. They stare at each other a moment before she drives him home.

Later that night, Sarah calls her mom and the two of them play “Doo Wah Diddy” over the speakerphone. Harris dreams about the signpost’s mysterious riddle: How Daddy Is Doing.

Harris and Sarah go to a fancy little dinner party and sneak out to the garden for a few moments to watch a baby deer. When they return to the table, their hair is mussed and the top three buttons on her dress are undone. Ahem. They go for a walk in the city and Harris tells her that he’s got his job back, only now he’s going to be a serious weatherman. They turn into kids, which I assume is metaphorical for how young they feel together, blah, blah, blah.

I’ll skip to the good stuff. Turns out Harris and SJP and Sarah and her ex are all staying at the same hotel in Santa Barbara.

Harris: Sandee, your breasts feel weird.
SJP: Oh, that’s because they’re real.
*they tumble into bed*
Harris: All right now, I should warn you that I’m old and it might take a little while to… OH MY ---, I’M YOUNG AGAIN!”

Harris and Sarah bump into each other and have it out (“marriage, kids, old age, and death”). Sarah tells him it’s no use, she’s going back to London.
Cut to the airport. Sarah boards the plane…fastens her seatbelt… it looks like she’s really going. Harris sits in his darkened apartment, breathing deeply and looking glum. Suddenly, a storm rolls in. A BIG ONE! With crazy wind and rain and dark rolling clouds! Sarah’s plane can’t take off. The weather has changed Harris’ life yet again. Sarah takes a taxi to his house and the two kiss in the rain.

“A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.” – Harris

Harris and Sarah go to the sign to thank it for bringing them together. Sarah finally unscrambles the “daddy” riddle to say: SING DOO WAH DIDDY.

This is a clever movie. I do like it, but it can’t do what THE JERK does to me. Then again, few things can. I need to take a moment to mention how jealous I am that SJP got to roll around with Steve Martin. I mean, sure he’s 43 years my senior… age is just a number. Especially when we’re talking about Steve Martin.

I’ll give this one an A.


Off in search of popcorn,

M.