Day Two: To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything Julie Newmar

To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar:

Starring:
-Patrick Swayze
-Wesley Snipes
-John Leguizamo

Directed by: Beeban Kidron

Screenwriting Credits: Douglas Beane

MPAA Rating: PG-13 – subject matter involving men living in drag, a brief scene of spousal abuse, and some language

The first shot is one of hunky, naked Patrick Swayze stepping his sinewy self out of the shower with only a tiny towel that makes me want to scream, “WHY GOD?!” Wesley Snipes is rocking those fake eyelashes like whoa and the look on Swayze’s face when he first puts on the wig is priceless. He is definitely one fine looking drag queen.

We learn that these “ladies” have been preparing for New York City’s Drag Queen of the Year Competition and a spot at the Drag Queen of America Contest in Hollywood, CA. The winners are Noxeema Jackson (Snipes) and Vida Boheme (Swayze). A distraught Leguizamo (henceforth known as Chi Chi) runs offstage as Noxeema and Vida revel in glory. The gals run up on tear-streaked Chi Chi in the stairwell. Imagine a soft-voiced Swayze purring, “Oh, look. That little Latin boy in drag is crying. Find out why that little Latin boy in drag is crying.”

One thing leads to another and Vida convinces Noxeema that they should sell their plane tickets and take Chi Chi to Hollywood to teach her the ins and outs of drag queen artistry.

Robin Williams busts in as John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt (no, seriously), takes the plane tickets off their hands, and hooks them up with alternate transportation.

“You obviously have me mistaken as Ms. Rosa Parks.” – Noxeema

As John Jacob leaves, Vida catches a glimpse of a framed portrait of Julie Newmar in the compact mirror. It’s hanging on the wall sandwiched between Ethel Merman and Vida’s head. The portrait is signed, “To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar.”

“No one say anything frivolous for the next few moments, I am having a significant experience. Look! Miss Julie Newmar has been watching silently over this entire conversation!” - Vida

Vida decides that this message from Julie Newmar is their “sovereign token” and must accompany them on their journey across America. She steals the picture, very discreetly of course.

The girls choose a classy Cadillac convertible over a Toyota Corolla (“Style over substance? Hmmm…”) and strike out.

“Ooh, Jayne Mansfield. Not a good auto reference.” – Noxeema

Emboldened after quickly driving through her old home place, Vida rips up the map and throws it out, assuring a frantic Chi Chi that real drag queens use their “instincts.” Noxeema launches into a tirade of how Chi Chi hasn’t reached full drag queen status and is simply “a boy in a dress.” Offended, Chi Chi tries to jump ship, but Vida convinces her that she is a “drag princess” and promises “Auntie Vida and Auntie Noxie” are going to help her. Chi Chi accepts this and offers up the drag queen’s serenity prayer, prompting Noxeema to proclaim that she’s mastered Step 1 of her drag queen training.

Afraid of how “middle America” hotel managers will treat them, Vida drives for hours. Chi Chi is unafraid and marches into the building with Vida and Noxeema right behind her. The hotel manager happily welcomes them, mistaking them for members of a girl’s basketball team who have come to join their teammates. Noxeema promotes Chi Chi to Step 2: Ignore Adversity.

The trio cruise along to “Brick House,” inexplicably inciting a train car full of well-dressed business people to hang out of the train windows and dance.

The good times come to an end when Vida gets pulled over in some backwoods state – apparently they are missing a taillight- and the officer is none other than that guy from Reservoir Dogs! Not Michael Madsen, the other one. The one with the dad.

“Oh, what in gay hell? This could prove problematic. The first name on my driver’s license is Eugene.” - Vida

Anyway, the cop turns out to be racist swine and scolds Vida for driving around with “nigger” and a “spic.” He asks her to step out of the vehicle, but he isn’t interested in her license, he just wants to play slap, pinch, and tickle.

Cop: You know what you career girls want?
Vida: … Careers?

Things get out of hand and Sheriff Dullard (“That’s Dollard!”) hoists Vida onto the hood of his car to “cop” a feel. Pun intended. Hee hee. Vida shoves him backwards and he lies in the street, apparently dead. Noxeema and Chi chi come running and Chi Chi feels for a pulse.

“Mommies… don’t quote me, but I think this one is ‘dis-sea-sed’ (deceased).” – Chi Chi

Noxeema and Vida freak out (“A dead, white policeman? A DEAD, WHITE POLICEMAN!?!?!”) and the girls bolt. Chi Chi accidentally loses a shoe in the scramble.

The women are dejected, driving along to morose music and looking like… well, like they just killed a man. Vida pulls over and the girls slowly enter the restroom. They emerge moments later in fresh outfits and much brighter spirits. Carefree music plays as Vida exclaims, “Lovely night. Look at those stars!”

Naturally, their car won’t start and the ladies have a mini-meltdown, made better by Vida’s stylish pantsuit and Chi Chi’s “Marilyn Monroe Legs.” Chi Chi flags down an unsuspecting good ole boy. The hick drives them into Snydersville, a one-horse town where Stockard Channing puts them up for the night.

“I think tomorrow is a “say something” hat day.” – Vida

The next morning Stockard’s husband, the town mechanic, tells them he’ll have to order a part, which won’t be in until Monday. With no other options, the girls retreat to the boring room for “Operation Decorator Storm.” They throw some scarves around and are suddenly living in Jeannie’s bottle.

Friendly neighbor Blythe Danner (otherwise known as Gwyneth Paltrow’s mom) comes over to gossip about the town’s other inhabitants, wistfully noting Jimmy Joe, the “nicest colored man you’d ever wanna meet.” In the meantime, “Sheriff Dullard” has been rescued and is frantically trying to convince his laughing cop friends that he was not beat up by a girl, but assaulted by three men dressed as girls “and one of them was black!” Dollard grabs Chi Chi’s shoe and vows to return with “three corpses.”

Back in Podunk, Chi Chi has been cornered by four greasy rednecks looking to get their freak on with a “career girl” that probably have about 15 teeth between them. Lucky for her, her knight in shining pickup swoops in and saves the day. We then discover that Stockard Channing is being abused by her husband Virgil, who does NOT like paprika in his stew.

“As a matter of fact, I can’t help but notice that… there are no chopped onions anywhere in this room.” – Vida

Chi Chi and Bobby Ray continue to woo one another: “Look at your eyes! They’re as blue as window cleaner, Bobby Lee.”

“Miss Chi Chi, if you were my girl, you’d never cry for anything. Except…. Maybe happiness.” – Bobby Ray

While the ladies are making friends in town, Sheriff Dollard has returned to the scene of the crime with Chi Chi’s shoe to make a list of “Places for Homos.” He’s thought of five locations:

1.) Flower shops
2.) Ballet Schools
3.) Flight Attendants Lounges
4.) Restaurants for Brunch
5.) Antique Stores

Vida tears Virgil a new one and Stockard breaks open a bottle of wine to fantasize about a world where the only men allowed are Mister Rogers, Mel Gibson, Keanu Reeves, and Denzel Washington.

“Hon, you do like, EVER not cry in this room?” – Vida

The town is transformed for the Annual Strawberry Social and Bobbies Ray and Lee finally discover one another.

“If you want to let him know that there is steak for dinner, you got to let him hear it sizzle!” – Chi Chi

As predicted, Jimmy Joe and Blythe Danner dance together and it’s all very sweet, but there is still the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Suddenly, Sheriff Dollard appears to be having a gay fantasy and launches into a loud monologue about “manly hands”, “chest hair,” and “baritone grunts.”

Of course, Stockard’s abusive hillbilly trash husband rolls in, takes one look at Chi Chi’s shoe and points Dollard in the direction of Snydersville. Back in town, Stockard manages to fix the Cadillac all by herself (woman power!) and Vida tries to confess her true identity. Much to her surprise, Stockard’s no fool: “I know that I am very fortunate to have a lady friend… who just happens to have an Adam’s apple.”

The town is a vision in red for the day’s Strawberry Social when “Dead Sherriff Dollard” rolls in with a shotgun.

Chi Chi: How do I look?
Noxeema: Like the Miami Sound Machine just exploded all over you.

I won’t spoil the ending, but I will say that it made me want to dance. It also made me want to go out and find some motherly drag queen types to be my new best friends.

One thing that’s really interesting about this movie is that the more you watch, the more you forget that Vida is actually… you know… a hot stud. It’s funny because all you can think about in the opening scene is his overwhelming maleness. And (for me, anyway) seeing his bare hips reminds me of how much I love to watch them wiggle in Dirty Dancing, and how badly we need to find a cure for friggin’ cancer. Geez!

The point I’m trying to make here is that even though you watch the transformation from male to female, eventually you forget all about that male part. There were a few moments where Wesley Snipes’ spandex jumpsuits made it hard to miss said male parts, but you catch my drift.

Long story short, this movie is great fun. It was my first time watching it, and I am positive that it won’t be my last. It seems to me that the language was fairly mild, but it’s possible that I was so engrossed in the story that I let a few f-bombs slip by unnoticed.

So, the verdict?

GREAT cast
GREAT performances
GREAT message
SUPER GREAT costumes
GREAT title

To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar is top notch in my book. I recommend it to anyone with a good sense of humor who doesn’t get all bent out of shape about men in hosiery.

A+!

CHRIS PENN! That’s his name.